Episode 1 No Such Thing as the News

A chicken has been arrested attempting to cross

Tayside Police are appealing for information as to why

A Massachusetts man, who spent 26 years growing the largest pumpkin

much as a walrus, but probably tastes like cardboard.

Two under-11 football teams in China have been

The side that was losing 2-1 at half time scored 24 goals

in the second-half, including a suspicious number of own goals.

And the headline of the week from the Wilts

79 Cirencester man grows pineapple at his home

All of which can mean only one thing, there's No Such

Hello and welcome to a brand new series of No Such Thing

as the News, coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.

My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with Anna Ptaszynski,

Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin.

Over the next eight weeks, we're here to present to you the most

interesting stories we found in the news of the last seven days.

And, in no particular order, here we go.

My fact this week is that three days before his second debate

with Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump announced

He announced this at a town hall event where there was a moderator,

all the questions were submitted by the audience and his answers

were timed to be no longer than two minutes.

But I can see why he was saying that this wasn't preparation

at the same time because in a way he kind of just...

It was moderated by someone who was a fan of his.

The questions weren't exactly what he might expect in the actual

Because questions were like, "what would you say to convince

to convince Hispanics - who are deceived by Obama,

Clinton and the biased media - to vote for you?"

And, "what's you're favourite childhood memory?"

The moderator read that and it ends with "go, Donald!

Donald Trump didn't have a childhood.

So Jane Goodall said this week the primatoligt, anthropologist

that the way he's risen to the top is exactly like how chimps rise

As in, they impress each other by doing lots of stamping around

on the ground, lots of throwing rocks about,

That convinces people around them that they're the dominant one

and that means they rise to the top of the hierarchy the fastest

That's really interesting because didn't Nigel Farage also say

say that he was like a male silverback gorilla?

An animal with a three centimetre penis.

But with hands that small, it looks fine.

So during the debate, according to Merriam-Webster,

the dictionary company, the top searched for word

Also, bigley, demagogic and pettual lent.

So the Wall Street Journal looked at the response around the world.

Them looked at the response from China online an what people

It was, basically, a lot of people saying -

I'm glad that we don't have this kind of democracy where

One person commenting saying "the choice was like that

between that of mouldy bread and expired sausage."

So there was a lot of coverage this week about the handshakegate

At the start of the first debate him and Hillary shook hands

and at the start of this debate they didn't, although

But I didn't realise that that might be because Donald Trump has a more

Donald Trump has a more -- morbid fear of shaking hands.

So he thinks it's completely barbaric.

He's written in books that he's written that it's one of the curses

of American society, a terrible practice and one

of the worst disadvantages of being famous because you have

to do it so often because he's a germaphobe

Although he has said on tape that you get to do other

I was looking into handshakes I thought, again, if Trump makes it

in and he hates handshakes, it's a big part of the

I discovered that once you become president

What it is, is that all presidents have a thing

It's a little coin, lots of people in the military have it as well,

when they decide that they're going to give someone that coin,

they put it in the palm of their hand, very secretively,

and then they shake the hand and they hand over a free coin.

Obama keeps them in his pocket and that's to people...

That guy behind him has no idea, has he?

He must be coming in at that with such speed that the G-force

Well, the first time Obama did it he actually dropped

Photographers desperately try to capture a challenge

coin being handed over, military do it.

It's kind of like collecting Pokemon.

If you get the President one, that's getting the ultimate.

So before the debate happened this week, there had to be a practice

debate to make sure that all the text stuff was working OK.

So this happened at Washington University and stand-ins

were recruited from the university to come and be Trump and Clinton

and they were selected because they were the same

And they had to come up with what topics they were going

to debate because they had to be on stage for hours.

So the topics they went for to debate were subjects

So they debated Snap Chat versus Instagram.

They debated who likes Dora the Explorer more

and they debated who is going to end up on the Iron Throne at the end

This is nicer than a lot of the stuff we actually saw.

But these guys, what is on their chairs?

It must be to keep the germs off for when Donald comes.

So if it's just for Donald, why is it not just

It's also inaccurate because if they were doing this

like the proper debate, the guy playing Donald would be

standing about two feet behind Clinton.

Well, they did say on their website, on the Washington University these

two people who took part said that all the tech guys say -

can you please pace up-and-down a lot, and you, the Donald

character, can you interrupt her quite loudly because we need it

to be a realistic representation of what's going to happen, so we can

So between the first and the second debate the amount that Trump

interrupted Clinton dropped by 72% because he interrupted her only 15

Although, it's really interesting, the figures, loads of people have

It's very hard to measure what's an interuption - I don't

You must have known that was going to happen.

OK, we should move on to our next fact.

It's time for fact number two and that

My fact this week is that the hip-hop duo

Insane Clown Posse has just issued a statement to say

there's no such thing as an insane clown.

So this is about all those insane clowns walking the streets

So this is a report on their Facebook page that said one

reporter had asked them if all these crazy clowns that have been going

going around in this last week were a promotional thing

They said, "needless to say we shut him down we shut his

There are no killer clowns, it's just jackasses being jacskasses,

And then, one of their members, Violent J...

He wrote an article for Times saying that the real clowns are the police,

the racists, big governments, like the NSA and all those people.

Professional clowns are suffering hugely.

They've made a lot of statements about this.

For example, Randy Christenssen, who is the...

He's the President of the World Clown Association.

But he said, he pointed out, "if someone dresses like a doctor

and is in a doctor's smock and is wearing a stethoscope

and is in a haunted house and comes as at you with a chainsaw,

So obviously it's surprisingly it's been front page news on so many

newspapers and so many sightings are happening where we're seeing

Dan, reads a particular kind of newspaper.

So they are being spotted everywhere.

Actually, there's now even an app that you can get.

It's a clown tracker, where you're able...

You can spot where all the clowns have been.

As of me taking that screen grab there was just over

They are just weirdeoes who have got a bit of slap or put

Also, they're not necessarily sightings.

I think in the US more people are being aest ared for reporting

fake clown sightings than fake clowns being arrested.

It's a complete hoax most of the time most of the calls made.

It's really irritating on the police.

This fact was about a band who dress as clowns doing

I thought - what other bands do I know where there are people

One of the members of Slipknot is a guy called Clown,

or they call him Clown, and he has a really,

So I emailed Corey Taylor, who is the lead singer of Slipknot

and he gave me a statement on this.

He said, "the affects have been such that even our dear Clown has

downgraded himself to Mime in order to distance himself from these

hedonistic doppelgangers until

Remember, a real clown doesn't need a knife to intimidate,

There I found a website called, ihateclowns.com.

They've been going since 1996 and the whole website is just

In fact, there's an article on it that lists 34

A clown wrote the original music and lyrics to, you

They have big feet and then way down on the list,

but I think most important - a clown stole my dad's job.

So another clown job out there is being an evil

So I don't think this is helping their PR

You can hire evil clowns to stalk your children.

There is someone called Winkles who did an interview

with the Independent a short while ago who said...

"When I was a kid it was OK to scare children and now they're

One mother hired him to stand at a bus stop and stare

at her 12-year-old son until he started crying in front

So that child who got chased, who saw Wrinkles on the other side

of the bus stop and ran home, his mother had a quote saying

something along the lines of - "it's really great, any time he's

really naughty, I say, OK, Wrinkles is coming" and then he does

There is one bit of good news if you are one of the people

who are freaking out about the clowns everywhere right

now and you suffer generally from the fear of clowns.

You can actually have that solved by a particular circus in the UK.

They offer clowncilling, where they get you through your

So clowncilling is out there if you need it.

OK, so we are halfway through the show.

It's time to look at the stories that you sent in to us

We start with James. I was sent this. That isn't depression, it is

throwing a strop, and she can go to her room for the rest of the

evening. I got this, the news that Australia's only flamingo...

Australia has one flamingo? One flamingo, and it's a pensioner! And

lastly, Andy. And continue to send us more

of your tweets and Facebook messages OK, we should move on to our third

fact of the show and that is, My fact is that this week,

four separate pumpkin This is the real story

of this week's news, guys! So it's October, which means that

now is when we have pumpkins. And one thing that goes

with that is, you have a load of competitions happening

all around the world. And the records are tumbling

like ninepins at the moment. So we've had, in the last week

alone, several records broken for biggest outdoors

grown pumpkin in the UK, biggest pumpkin ever in America,

biggest pumpkin ever in the world, and the furthest someone's

travelled in a boat made out Why do they turn these

pumpkins into boats? Erm, often, they taste quite bland

because they've grown so huge. What's amazing about them is, yes,

they may not taste good, so that's not the reason for making

them, it's the fact that as they get bigger, more and more people

want to make it bigger pumpkin. And so the seeds of the pumpkin

are worth huge amounts of money. So the one that grew,

the outdoor British one, that was grown from a seed

that cost ?1,250. But the seeds from this

pumpkin that he's grown, you'll be able to get

two for a tenner! Because I thought the pound had

plummeted, so that seems reasonable! Like, these are massive,

these pumpkins. And no-one thought we'd get to a ton

and that was achieved only I never dared

to dream! They did work out the

maximum that a pumpkin They put a pumpkin into a vice

and they kind of squeezed its work out how much water

you can get into it. And they reckon the maximum

you can get is about I actually read a different report,

which is they've worked Because they're trying

to find out what maximum The problem with growing pumpkins

on Earth is gravity. And gravity is what stops it

from being able to go In theory, and this

is my own deduction... ..you could grow a pumpkin

the size of a planet. We could be living in a pumpkin

universe, that's what I'm saying. How's that blinded

by science condition Just quickly deal with

the pumpkin as canoe record So this was in Washington State

and it was a woman called Charity Marshall, who went 15 miles

in a boat made out of a pumpkin. The previous record was eight

miles, so this is, again, It's only, what, 23 miles from Dover

to Calais, how long until we can What I'm saying is, by the time

Brexit happens, can I get out I think we've got one more picture,

actually, which is of the pumpkin grown by a pair of twins,

Ian and Stuart Paton. Stuart said, "Some days,

we'll spend five hours We never get bored

or fed up with them, Can I tell you something

about the Paton brothers? They've been growing pumpkins

since they were 11 and in 2004, Ian Paton won the

30-year-old pumpkin contest between Everton and Milford

on Sea, and he broke the British record and he required the Army

to come and deliver And Everton got very angry

about that and used him of cheating Which he totally denies,

by the way. So in the end, everyone

pulled out on the whole Who turns up with a pumpkin

on an army truck? You would think the Army had better

things to do in 2004! Looking into how people grow these

pumpkins, it's amazing because they So I've seen lots of photos

of these massive pumpkins. So they just make sure

that they are nice and warm. So not only do they put water

on them, they put milk Sorry, pumpkins can't milk

creatures in the wild, so it feels like they don't

naturally want milk. You don't get Viagra

in the wild either! Can I show you my record-breaking

big thing of the week? So this is the world's biggest

swing. And this was swung on this week

and this was created by Red Bull and I think we've got video

footage of it. Sky divers jumped from a hot

air balloon. And there was a swing

attached to it. The two balloons had to be exactly

the right distance apart, or otherwise, they would have

broken their bodies. But yes, they created

the biggest swing ever They were 1800 metres

above the ground. And then they hurled themselves

of the swing at the last minute. OK, let's move on to our final fact

of the show, and that is, Anna? My fact is that no one will be

allowed to wear a smartwatch at Theresa May's Cabinet meeting

this week for fear the Russians So this week is her first Cabinet

meeting following Conference season, and she said no

Apple watches allowed. And smartphones have been banned

in Cabinet meetings In fact, people in Parliament

who are going to sensitive meetings were certain things might be

discussed have been given lead-lined, soundproofed boxes

that they have to put their phones Didn't Edward Snowden,

whenever he had a meeting where he was discussing the leaks,

he would make everyone But Edward Snowden is pro-leaking,

right? It was said David Cameron

banned mobile phones But then he relented in 2015

and they were about have a really important, sensitive briefing

about cyber security and he said, OK, I know I've banned phones,

but if anyone here did by mistake bring a phone into the room,

can you please get up and it outside because we are going

to have this briefing? 12 ministers around

the table got up. Potentially allowing the Russians

and the Chinese to spy on us! Didn't he also have a situation

where with smart watches, it was a smartwatch,

Michael Gove during a meeting... He accidentally pressed the wrong

button on his watch. She does say a lot about

betrayal, doesn't she? She actually, that was quite funny,

that incident, because that happened in this Cabinet meeting and Cameron

was apparently really angry with Michael Gove

that this had happened. Imagine if he had known

what was going to happen He would have been so much calmer

about the whole thing! Didn't they ban Furbies

for a while back in the time I think they banned them

from Government offices and stuff because they

could record things. And also because it is

a Government office But David Cameron had

an amnesty on Furbies. So on the hacking thing,

so this week, Yahoo have patented a smart billboard

which they want to collect people's information on and use it

to broadcast adverts to them in real-time which are targeted

as they for example they are That can't possibly go wrong

from a company that has had a billion

e-mails hacked! But also, you might not want

or your adverts targeted There was a thing in Jakarta this

week where someone was arrested for hacking a billboard

and putting He said, I was bored,

I wanted to watch porn! And they had on the billboard,

it wasn't a proper hack, This week, they have

permanently discontinued And there was a Guardian Q

and the question is, do I need to hand

back my Samsung phone? And the answer is,

only if it is a Galaxy Note 7. You can tell if it is a Galaxy Note

7 because it says on the back Did the person reply,

what if I can't read the back So New Scientist did a piece this

week on hacking and it was warning about the dangers of toy hacking

because Christmas toys have started being advertised and

smart toys are a thing. I didn't know about them

because I am 30 and I don't Apparently last year,

Barbie released a toy that had a thing where a child would press it

and talk into it and a microphone would pick it up and transmitted

to Mattel, who run Barbie. And then they would recognise

the speech and they had an algorithm which worked out the appropriate

response to whatever And the warning by New Scientist

is that this could be hacked The warning for me would be,

that is creepy as hell! I don't know how high

on the hacker's priority list the whinings of

a five-year-old are! A whole generation of children

will grow up. It is about listening in,

I do not think they are going to be saying anything

particularly revealing. But you say things back

out of the Barbie like, And also, can you blackmail

them when they are older and say, you shat yourself

when you were four? I don't think they have that kind

of advanced sand recognition. There was actually a 5-star

review of one of these toys which defended it,

saying, "Hello Barbie..." Which is what it was called,

"..is just as risky as Siri and I've told Siri some

pretty odd things!" OK, that's it, that's

all of our facts. Just time to share with you some

of the stories that we didn't have And we are going to start with

James. OK, an emergency vehicle in Sweden

sent to deal with a cow killed in a collision with a car failed

to reach its destination after colliding

with another 37 cows! This is from the BBC and it's that

an Italian Mafia boss who was on the run from police

for five years was finally caught after 50 police searched his home

and found him hiding between his bedroom

and his bathroom. A secret compartment

between the two. This is from the Danish edition

of the local newspaper. It is that Danish medical experts

have confirmed that grunting while you defecates

doesn't help the process. OK, that's all from me,

Andy, James and Anna. We've been No Such Thing

As The News, goodbye!