Episode 1 No Such Thing as the News


Episode 1

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A chicken has been arrested attempting to cross

:00:00.:00:00.

Tayside Police are appealing for information as to why

:00:00.:00:09.

A Massachusetts man, who spent 26 years growing the largest pumpkin

:00:10.:00:16.

much as a walrus, but probably tastes like cardboard.

:00:17.:00:23.

Two under-11 football teams in China have been

:00:24.:00:25.

The side that was losing 2-1 at half time scored 24 goals

:00:26.:00:33.

in the second-half, including a suspicious number of own goals.

:00:34.:00:36.

And the headline of the week from the Wilts

:00:37.:00:39.

79 Cirencester man grows pineapple at his home

:00:40.:00:44.

All of which can mean only one thing, there's No Such

:00:45.:00:50.

Hello and welcome to a brand new series of No Such Thing

:00:51.:01:12.

as the News, coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.

:01:13.:01:15.

My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with Anna Ptaszynski,

:01:16.:01:18.

Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin.

:01:19.:01:22.

Over the next eight weeks, we're here to present to you the most

:01:23.:01:30.

interesting stories we found in the news of the last seven days.

:01:31.:01:33.

And, in no particular order, here we go.

:01:34.:01:35.

My fact this week is that three days before his second debate

:01:36.:01:39.

with Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump announced

:01:40.:01:41.

He announced this at a town hall event where there was a moderator,

:01:42.:01:53.

all the questions were submitted by the audience and his answers

:01:54.:01:55.

were timed to be no longer than two minutes.

:01:56.:01:57.

But I can see why he was saying that this wasn't preparation

:01:58.:02:05.

at the same time because in a way he kind of just...

:02:06.:02:07.

It was moderated by someone who was a fan of his.

:02:08.:02:12.

The questions weren't exactly what he might expect in the actual

:02:13.:02:16.

Because questions were like, "what would you say to convince

:02:17.:02:25.

to convince Hispanics - who are deceived by Obama,

:02:26.:02:29.

Clinton and the biased media - to vote for you?"

:02:30.:02:31.

And, "what's you're favourite childhood memory?"

:02:32.:02:37.

The moderator read that and it ends with "go, Donald!

:02:38.:02:46.

Donald Trump didn't have a childhood.

:02:47.:02:48.

So Jane Goodall said this week the primatoligt, anthropologist

:02:49.:02:52.

that the way he's risen to the top is exactly like how chimps rise

:02:53.:02:56.

As in, they impress each other by doing lots of stamping around

:02:57.:03:00.

on the ground, lots of throwing rocks about,

:03:01.:03:02.

That convinces people around them that they're the dominant one

:03:03.:03:06.

and that means they rise to the top of the hierarchy the fastest

:03:07.:03:09.

That's really interesting because didn't Nigel Farage also say

:03:10.:03:14.

say that he was like a male silverback gorilla?

:03:15.:03:16.

An animal with a three centimetre penis.

:03:17.:03:23.

But with hands that small, it looks fine.

:03:24.:03:25.

So during the debate, according to Merriam-Webster,

:03:26.:03:33.

the dictionary company, the top searched for word

:03:34.:03:39.

Also, bigley, demagogic and pettual lent.

:03:40.:03:51.

So the Wall Street Journal looked at the response around the world.

:03:52.:03:55.

Them looked at the response from China online an what people

:03:56.:03:57.

It was, basically, a lot of people saying -

:03:58.:04:01.

I'm glad that we don't have this kind of democracy where

:04:02.:04:04.

One person commenting saying "the choice was like that

:04:05.:04:12.

between that of mouldy bread and expired sausage."

:04:13.:04:14.

So there was a lot of coverage this week about the handshakegate

:04:15.:04:17.

At the start of the first debate him and Hillary shook hands

:04:18.:04:22.

and at the start of this debate they didn't, although

:04:23.:04:25.

But I didn't realise that that might be because Donald Trump has a more

:04:26.:04:34.

Donald Trump has a more -- morbid fear of shaking hands.

:04:35.:04:37.

So he thinks it's completely barbaric.

:04:38.:04:38.

He's written in books that he's written that it's one of the curses

:04:39.:04:41.

of American society, a terrible practice and one

:04:42.:04:43.

of the worst disadvantages of being famous because you have

:04:44.:04:46.

to do it so often because he's a germaphobe

:04:47.:04:48.

Although he has said on tape that you get to do other

:04:49.:04:53.

I was looking into handshakes I thought, again, if Trump makes it

:04:54.:05:02.

in and he hates handshakes, it's a big part of the

:05:03.:05:04.

I discovered that once you become president

:05:05.:05:08.

What it is, is that all presidents have a thing

:05:09.:05:16.

It's a little coin, lots of people in the military have it as well,

:05:17.:05:20.

when they decide that they're going to give someone that coin,

:05:21.:05:23.

they put it in the palm of their hand, very secretively,

:05:24.:05:25.

and then they shake the hand and they hand over a free coin.

:05:26.:05:29.

Obama keeps them in his pocket and that's to people...

:05:30.:05:33.

That guy behind him has no idea, has he?

:05:34.:05:35.

He must be coming in at that with such speed that the G-force

:05:36.:05:42.

Well, the first time Obama did it he actually dropped

:05:43.:05:48.

Photographers desperately try to capture a challenge

:05:49.:05:52.

coin being handed over, military do it.

:05:53.:05:53.

It's kind of like collecting Pokemon.

:05:54.:06:01.

If you get the President one, that's getting the ultimate.

:06:02.:06:05.

So before the debate happened this week, there had to be a practice

:06:06.:06:09.

debate to make sure that all the text stuff was working OK.

:06:10.:06:12.

So this happened at Washington University and stand-ins

:06:13.:06:14.

were recruited from the university to come and be Trump and Clinton

:06:15.:06:17.

and they were selected because they were the same

:06:18.:06:19.

And they had to come up with what topics they were going

:06:20.:06:25.

to debate because they had to be on stage for hours.

:06:26.:06:27.

So the topics they went for to debate were subjects

:06:28.:06:30.

So they debated Snap Chat versus Instagram.

:06:31.:06:46.

They debated who likes Dora the Explorer more

:06:47.:06:48.

and they debated who is going to end up on the Iron Throne at the end

:06:49.:06:52.

This is nicer than a lot of the stuff we actually saw.

:06:53.:06:56.

But these guys, what is on their chairs?

:06:57.:07:08.

It must be to keep the germs off for when Donald comes.

:07:09.:07:11.

So if it's just for Donald, why is it not just

:07:12.:07:14.

It's also inaccurate because if they were doing this

:07:15.:07:17.

like the proper debate, the guy playing Donald would be

:07:18.:07:19.

standing about two feet behind Clinton.

:07:20.:07:21.

Well, they did say on their website, on the Washington University these

:07:22.:07:25.

two people who took part said that all the tech guys say -

:07:26.:07:28.

can you please pace up-and-down a lot, and you, the Donald

:07:29.:07:31.

character, can you interrupt her quite loudly because we need it

:07:32.:07:33.

to be a realistic representation of what's going to happen, so we can

:07:34.:07:36.

So between the first and the second debate the amount that Trump

:07:37.:07:42.

interrupted Clinton dropped by 72% because he interrupted her only 15

:07:43.:07:45.

Although, it's really interesting, the figures, loads of people have

:07:46.:07:50.

It's very hard to measure what's an interuption - I don't

:07:51.:07:54.

You must have known that was going to happen.

:07:55.:07:57.

OK, we should move on to our next fact.

:07:58.:08:06.

It's time for fact number two and that

:08:07.:08:08.

My fact this week is that the hip-hop duo

:08:09.:08:12.

Insane Clown Posse has just issued a statement to say

:08:13.:08:14.

there's no such thing as an insane clown.

:08:15.:08:16.

So this is about all those insane clowns walking the streets

:08:17.:08:20.

So this is a report on their Facebook page that said one

:08:21.:08:26.

reporter had asked them if all these crazy clowns that have been going

:08:27.:08:34.

going around in this last week were a promotional thing

:08:35.:08:36.

They said, "needless to say we shut him down we shut his

:08:37.:08:40.

There are no killer clowns, it's just jackasses being jacskasses,

:08:41.:08:44.

And then, one of their members, Violent J...

:08:45.:08:57.

He wrote an article for Times saying that the real clowns are the police,

:08:58.:09:02.

the racists, big governments, like the NSA and all those people.

:09:03.:09:05.

Professional clowns are suffering hugely.

:09:06.:09:11.

They've made a lot of statements about this.

:09:12.:09:22.

For example, Randy Christenssen, who is the...

:09:23.:09:23.

He's the President of the World Clown Association.

:09:24.:09:25.

But he said, he pointed out, "if someone dresses like a doctor

:09:26.:09:28.

and is in a doctor's smock and is wearing a stethoscope

:09:29.:09:31.

and is in a haunted house and comes as at you with a chainsaw,

:09:32.:09:34.

So obviously it's surprisingly it's been front page news on so many

:09:35.:09:41.

newspapers and so many sightings are happening where we're seeing

:09:42.:09:44.

Dan, reads a particular kind of newspaper.

:09:45.:09:54.

So they are being spotted everywhere.

:09:55.:09:57.

Actually, there's now even an app that you can get.

:09:58.:09:59.

It's a clown tracker, where you're able...

:10:00.:10:06.

You can spot where all the clowns have been.

:10:07.:10:11.

As of me taking that screen grab there was just over

:10:12.:10:13.

They are just weirdeoes who have got a bit of slap or put

:10:14.:10:34.

Also, they're not necessarily sightings.

:10:35.:10:36.

I think in the US more people are being aest ared for reporting

:10:37.:10:39.

fake clown sightings than fake clowns being arrested.

:10:40.:10:41.

It's a complete hoax most of the time most of the calls made.

:10:42.:10:45.

It's really irritating on the police.

:10:46.:10:47.

This fact was about a band who dress as clowns doing

:10:48.:10:50.

I thought - what other bands do I know where there are people

:10:51.:10:54.

One of the members of Slipknot is a guy called Clown,

:10:55.:10:57.

or they call him Clown, and he has a really,

:10:58.:11:00.

So I emailed Corey Taylor, who is the lead singer of Slipknot

:11:01.:11:03.

and he gave me a statement on this.

:11:04.:11:05.

He said, "the affects have been such that even our dear Clown has

:11:06.:11:15.

downgraded himself to Mime in order to distance himself from these

:11:16.:11:23.

hedonistic doppelgangers until

:11:24.:11:24.

Remember, a real clown doesn't need a knife to intimidate,

:11:25.:11:27.

There I found a website called, ihateclowns.com.

:11:28.:11:42.

They've been going since 1996 and the whole website is just

:11:43.:11:45.

In fact, there's an article on it that lists 34

:11:46.:11:49.

A clown wrote the original music and lyrics to, you

:11:50.:11:54.

They have big feet and then way down on the list,

:11:55.:12:11.

but I think most important - a clown stole my dad's job.

:12:12.:12:13.

So another clown job out there is being an evil

:12:14.:12:16.

So I don't think this is helping their PR

:12:17.:12:19.

You can hire evil clowns to stalk your children.

:12:20.:12:22.

There is someone called Winkles who did an interview

:12:23.:12:33.

with the Independent a short while ago who said...

:12:34.:12:35.

"When I was a kid it was OK to scare children and now they're

:12:36.:12:39.

One mother hired him to stand at a bus stop and stare

:12:40.:12:42.

at her 12-year-old son until he started crying in front

:12:43.:12:45.

So that child who got chased, who saw Wrinkles on the other side

:12:46.:12:55.

of the bus stop and ran home, his mother had a quote saying

:12:56.:13:05.

something along the lines of - "it's really great, any time he's

:13:06.:13:08.

really naughty, I say, OK, Wrinkles is coming" and then he does

:13:09.:13:11.

There is one bit of good news if you are one of the people

:13:12.:13:15.

who are freaking out about the clowns everywhere right

:13:16.:13:17.

now and you suffer generally from the fear of clowns.

:13:18.:13:20.

You can actually have that solved by a particular circus in the UK.

:13:21.:13:23.

They offer clowncilling, where they get you through your

:13:24.:13:25.

So clowncilling is out there if you need it.

:13:26.:13:34.

OK, so we are halfway through the show.

:13:35.:13:36.

It's time to look at the stories that you sent in to us

:13:37.:13:39.

We start with James. I was sent this. That isn't depression, it is

:13:40.:14:18.

throwing a strop, and she can go to her room for the rest of the

:14:19.:14:28.

evening. I got this, the news that Australia's only flamingo...

:14:29.:14:51.

Australia has one flamingo? One flamingo, and it's a pensioner! And

:14:52.:14:58.

lastly, Andy. And continue to send us more

:14:59.:15:00.

of your tweets and Facebook messages OK, we should move on to our third

:15:01.:15:21.

fact of the show and that is, My fact is that this week,

:15:22.:15:27.

four separate pumpkin This is the real story

:15:28.:15:32.

of this week's news, guys! So it's October, which means that

:15:33.:15:40.

now is when we have pumpkins. And one thing that goes

:15:41.:15:44.

with that is, you have a load of competitions happening

:15:45.:15:52.

all around the world. And the records are tumbling

:15:53.:15:54.

like ninepins at the moment. So we've had, in the last week

:15:55.:15:56.

alone, several records broken for biggest outdoors

:15:57.:16:02.

grown pumpkin in the UK, biggest pumpkin ever in America,

:16:03.:16:04.

biggest pumpkin ever in the world, and the furthest someone's

:16:05.:16:07.

travelled in a boat made out Why do they turn these

:16:08.:16:09.

pumpkins into boats? Erm, often, they taste quite bland

:16:10.:16:21.

because they've grown so huge. What's amazing about them is, yes,

:16:22.:16:32.

they may not taste good, so that's not the reason for making

:16:33.:16:35.

them, it's the fact that as they get bigger, more and more people

:16:36.:16:39.

want to make it bigger pumpkin. And so the seeds of the pumpkin

:16:40.:16:44.

are worth huge amounts of money. So the one that grew,

:16:45.:16:47.

the outdoor British one, that was grown from a seed

:16:48.:16:51.

that cost ?1,250. But the seeds from this

:16:52.:16:54.

pumpkin that he's grown, you'll be able to get

:16:55.:16:58.

two for a tenner! Because I thought the pound had

:16:59.:17:00.

plummeted, so that seems reasonable! Like, these are massive,

:17:01.:17:04.

these pumpkins. And no-one thought we'd get to a ton

:17:05.:17:10.

and that was achieved only I never dared

:17:11.:17:13.

to dream! They did work out the

:17:14.:17:15.

maximum that a pumpkin They put a pumpkin into a vice

:17:16.:17:20.

and they kind of squeezed its work out how much water

:17:21.:17:27.

you can get into it. And they reckon the maximum

:17:28.:17:29.

you can get is about I actually read a different report,

:17:30.:17:32.

which is they've worked Because they're trying

:17:33.:17:35.

to find out what maximum The problem with growing pumpkins

:17:36.:17:39.

on Earth is gravity. And gravity is what stops it

:17:40.:17:50.

from being able to go In theory, and this

:17:51.:17:52.

is my own deduction... ..you could grow a pumpkin

:17:53.:17:57.

the size of a planet. We could be living in a pumpkin

:17:58.:18:04.

universe, that's what I'm saying. How's that blinded

:18:05.:18:12.

by science condition Just quickly deal with

:18:13.:18:13.

the pumpkin as canoe record So this was in Washington State

:18:14.:18:28.

and it was a woman called Charity Marshall, who went 15 miles

:18:29.:18:32.

in a boat made out of a pumpkin. The previous record was eight

:18:33.:18:35.

miles, so this is, again, It's only, what, 23 miles from Dover

:18:36.:18:38.

to Calais, how long until we can What I'm saying is, by the time

:18:39.:18:44.

Brexit happens, can I get out I think we've got one more picture,

:18:45.:18:48.

actually, which is of the pumpkin grown by a pair of twins,

:18:49.:19:02.

Ian and Stuart Paton. Stuart said, "Some days,

:19:03.:19:04.

we'll spend five hours We never get bored

:19:05.:19:06.

or fed up with them, Can I tell you something

:19:07.:19:09.

about the Paton brothers? They've been growing pumpkins

:19:10.:19:14.

since they were 11 and in 2004, Ian Paton won the

:19:15.:19:23.

30-year-old pumpkin contest between Everton and Milford

:19:24.:19:24.

on Sea, and he broke the British record and he required the Army

:19:25.:19:27.

to come and deliver And Everton got very angry

:19:28.:19:30.

about that and used him of cheating Which he totally denies,

:19:31.:19:34.

by the way. So in the end, everyone

:19:35.:19:38.

pulled out on the whole Who turns up with a pumpkin

:19:39.:19:40.

on an army truck? You would think the Army had better

:19:41.:19:44.

things to do in 2004! Looking into how people grow these

:19:45.:19:48.

pumpkins, it's amazing because they So I've seen lots of photos

:19:49.:19:56.

of these massive pumpkins. So they just make sure

:19:57.:20:01.

that they are nice and warm. So not only do they put water

:20:02.:20:04.

on them, they put milk Sorry, pumpkins can't milk

:20:05.:20:08.

creatures in the wild, so it feels like they don't

:20:09.:20:18.

naturally want milk. You don't get Viagra

:20:19.:20:21.

in the wild either! Can I show you my record-breaking

:20:22.:20:23.

big thing of the week? So this is the world's biggest

:20:24.:20:42.

swing. And this was swung on this week

:20:43.:20:49.

and this was created by Red Bull and I think we've got video

:20:50.:20:52.

footage of it. Sky divers jumped from a hot

:20:53.:20:54.

air balloon. And there was a swing

:20:55.:20:56.

attached to it. The two balloons had to be exactly

:20:57.:20:59.

the right distance apart, or otherwise, they would have

:21:00.:21:11.

broken their bodies. But yes, they created

:21:12.:21:13.

the biggest swing ever They were 1800 metres

:21:14.:21:15.

above the ground. And then they hurled themselves

:21:16.:21:24.

of the swing at the last minute. OK, let's move on to our final fact

:21:25.:21:26.

of the show, and that is, Anna? My fact is that no one will be

:21:27.:21:32.

allowed to wear a smartwatch at Theresa May's Cabinet meeting

:21:33.:21:35.

this week for fear the Russians So this week is her first Cabinet

:21:36.:21:38.

meeting following Conference season, and she said no

:21:39.:21:51.

Apple watches allowed. And smartphones have been banned

:21:52.:21:56.

in Cabinet meetings In fact, people in Parliament

:21:57.:21:59.

who are going to sensitive meetings were certain things might be

:22:00.:22:06.

discussed have been given lead-lined, soundproofed boxes

:22:07.:22:08.

that they have to put their phones Didn't Edward Snowden,

:22:09.:22:10.

whenever he had a meeting where he was discussing the leaks,

:22:11.:22:17.

he would make everyone But Edward Snowden is pro-leaking,

:22:18.:22:19.

right? It was said David Cameron

:22:20.:22:27.

banned mobile phones But then he relented in 2015

:22:28.:22:29.

and they were about have a really important, sensitive briefing

:22:30.:22:37.

about cyber security and he said, OK, I know I've banned phones,

:22:38.:22:40.

but if anyone here did by mistake bring a phone into the room,

:22:41.:22:44.

can you please get up and it outside because we are going

:22:45.:22:48.

to have this briefing? 12 ministers around

:22:49.:22:50.

the table got up. Potentially allowing the Russians

:22:51.:22:51.

and the Chinese to spy on us! Didn't he also have a situation

:22:52.:22:59.

where with smart watches, it was a smartwatch,

:23:00.:23:04.

Michael Gove during a meeting... He accidentally pressed the wrong

:23:05.:23:07.

button on his watch. She does say a lot about

:23:08.:23:10.

betrayal, doesn't she? She actually, that was quite funny,

:23:11.:23:19.

that incident, because that happened in this Cabinet meeting and Cameron

:23:20.:23:27.

was apparently really angry with Michael Gove

:23:28.:23:29.

that this had happened. Imagine if he had known

:23:30.:23:32.

what was going to happen He would have been so much calmer

:23:33.:23:34.

about the whole thing! Didn't they ban Furbies

:23:35.:23:42.

for a while back in the time I think they banned them

:23:43.:23:44.

from Government offices and stuff because they

:23:45.:23:49.

could record things. And also because it is

:23:50.:23:51.

a Government office But David Cameron had

:23:52.:23:54.

an amnesty on Furbies. So on the hacking thing,

:23:55.:24:00.

so this week, Yahoo have patented a smart billboard

:24:01.:24:11.

which they want to collect people's information on and use it

:24:12.:24:15.

to broadcast adverts to them in real-time which are targeted

:24:16.:24:24.

as they for example they are That can't possibly go wrong

:24:25.:24:27.

from a company that has had a billion

:24:28.:24:30.

e-mails hacked! But also, you might not want

:24:31.:24:31.

or your adverts targeted There was a thing in Jakarta this

:24:32.:24:34.

week where someone was arrested for hacking a billboard

:24:35.:24:48.

and putting He said, I was bored,

:24:49.:24:50.

I wanted to watch porn! And they had on the billboard,

:24:51.:24:56.

it wasn't a proper hack, This week, they have

:24:57.:24:59.

permanently discontinued And there was a Guardian Q

:25:00.:25:12.

and the question is, do I need to hand

:25:13.:25:17.

back my Samsung phone? And the answer is,

:25:18.:25:21.

only if it is a Galaxy Note 7. You can tell if it is a Galaxy Note

:25:22.:25:25.

7 because it says on the back Did the person reply,

:25:26.:25:29.

what if I can't read the back So New Scientist did a piece this

:25:30.:25:33.

week on hacking and it was warning about the dangers of toy hacking

:25:34.:25:39.

because Christmas toys have started being advertised and

:25:40.:25:41.

smart toys are a thing. I didn't know about them

:25:42.:25:43.

because I am 30 and I don't Apparently last year,

:25:44.:25:46.

Barbie released a toy that had a thing where a child would press it

:25:47.:26:00.

and talk into it and a microphone would pick it up and transmitted

:26:01.:26:03.

to Mattel, who run Barbie. And then they would recognise

:26:04.:26:06.

the speech and they had an algorithm which worked out the appropriate

:26:07.:26:09.

response to whatever And the warning by New Scientist

:26:10.:26:11.

is that this could be hacked The warning for me would be,

:26:12.:26:15.

that is creepy as hell! I don't know how high

:26:16.:26:19.

on the hacker's priority list the whinings of

:26:20.:26:26.

a five-year-old are! A whole generation of children

:26:27.:26:27.

will grow up. It is about listening in,

:26:28.:26:33.

I do not think they are going to be saying anything

:26:34.:26:36.

particularly revealing. But you say things back

:26:37.:26:37.

out of the Barbie like, And also, can you blackmail

:26:38.:26:40.

them when they are older and say, you shat yourself

:26:41.:26:48.

when you were four? I don't think they have that kind

:26:49.:26:55.

of advanced sand recognition. There was actually a 5-star

:26:56.:27:01.

review of one of these toys which defended it,

:27:02.:27:03.

saying, "Hello Barbie..." Which is what it was called,

:27:04.:27:05.

"..is just as risky as Siri and I've told Siri some

:27:06.:27:08.

pretty odd things!" OK, that's it, that's

:27:09.:27:10.

all of our facts. Just time to share with you some

:27:11.:27:21.

of the stories that we didn't have And we are going to start with

:27:22.:27:25.

James. OK, an emergency vehicle in Sweden

:27:26.:27:29.

sent to deal with a cow killed in a collision with a car failed

:27:30.:27:33.

to reach its destination after colliding

:27:34.:27:37.

with another 37 cows! This is from the BBC and it's that

:27:38.:27:42.

an Italian Mafia boss who was on the run from police

:27:43.:27:46.

for five years was finally caught after 50 police searched his home

:27:47.:27:49.

and found him hiding between his bedroom

:27:50.:27:54.

and his bathroom. A secret compartment

:27:55.:27:56.

between the two. This is from the Danish edition

:27:57.:28:00.

of the local newspaper. It is that Danish medical experts

:28:01.:28:09.

have confirmed that grunting while you defecates

:28:10.:28:11.

doesn't help the process. OK, that's all from me,

:28:12.:28:15.

Andy, James and Anna. We've been No Such Thing

:28:16.:28:21.

As The News, goodbye!

:28:22.:28:26.

An interesting, impish angle on the events of the week from the QI Elves, with James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.


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