Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
A chicken has been arrested attempting to cross
Tayside Police are appealing for information as to why
A Massachusetts man, who spent 26 years growing the largest pumpkin
much as a walrus, but probably tastes like cardboard.
Two under-11 football teams in China have been
The side that was losing 2-1 at half time scored 24 goals
in the second-half, including a suspicious number of own goals.
And the headline of the week from the Wilts
79 Cirencester man grows pineapple at his home
All of which can mean only one thing, there's No Such
Hello and welcome to a brand new series of No Such Thing
as the News, coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.
My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with Anna Ptaszynski,
Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin.
Over the next eight weeks, we're here to present to you the most
interesting stories we found in the news of the last seven days.
And, in no particular order, here we go.
My fact this week is that three days before his second debate
with Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump announced
He announced this at a town hall event where there was a moderator,
all the questions were submitted by the audience and his answers
were timed to be no longer than two minutes.
But I can see why he was saying that this wasn't preparation
at the same time because in a way he kind of just...
It was moderated by someone who was a fan of his.
The questions weren't exactly what he might expect in the actual
Because questions were like, "what would you say to convince
to convince Hispanics - who are deceived by Obama,
Clinton and the biased media - to vote for you?"
And, "what's you're favourite childhood memory?"
The moderator read that and it ends with "go, Donald!
Donald Trump didn't have a childhood.
So Jane Goodall said this week the primatoligt, anthropologist
that the way he's risen to the top is exactly like how chimps rise
As in, they impress each other by doing lots of stamping around
on the ground, lots of throwing rocks about,
That convinces people around them that they're the dominant one
and that means they rise to the top of the hierarchy the fastest
That's really interesting because didn't Nigel Farage also say
say that he was like a male silverback gorilla?
An animal with a three centimetre penis.
But with hands that small, it looks fine.
So during the debate, according to Merriam-Webster,
the dictionary company, the top searched for word
Also, bigley, demagogic and pettual lent.
So the Wall Street Journal looked at the response around the world.
Them looked at the response from China online an what people
It was, basically, a lot of people saying -
I'm glad that we don't have this kind of democracy where
One person commenting saying "the choice was like that
between that of mouldy bread and expired sausage."
So there was a lot of coverage this week about the handshakegate
At the start of the first debate him and Hillary shook hands
and at the start of this debate they didn't, although
But I didn't realise that that might be because Donald Trump has a more
Donald Trump has a more -- morbid fear of shaking hands.
So he thinks it's completely barbaric.
He's written in books that he's written that it's one of the curses
of American society, a terrible practice and one
of the worst disadvantages of being famous because you have
to do it so often because he's a germaphobe
Although he has said on tape that you get to do other
I was looking into handshakes I thought, again, if Trump makes it
in and he hates handshakes, it's a big part of the
I discovered that once you become president
What it is, is that all presidents have a thing
It's a little coin, lots of people in the military have it as well,
when they decide that they're going to give someone that coin,
they put it in the palm of their hand, very secretively,
and then they shake the hand and they hand over a free coin.
Obama keeps them in his pocket and that's to people...
That guy behind him has no idea, has he?
He must be coming in at that with such speed that the G-force
Well, the first time Obama did it he actually dropped
Photographers desperately try to capture a challenge
coin being handed over, military do it.
It's kind of like collecting Pokemon.
If you get the President one, that's getting the ultimate.
So before the debate happened this week, there had to be a practice
debate to make sure that all the text stuff was working OK.
So this happened at Washington University and stand-ins
were recruited from the university to come and be Trump and Clinton
and they were selected because they were the same
And they had to come up with what topics they were going
to debate because they had to be on stage for hours.
So the topics they went for to debate were subjects
So they debated Snap Chat versus Instagram.
They debated who likes Dora the Explorer more
and they debated who is going to end up on the Iron Throne at the end
This is nicer than a lot of the stuff we actually saw.
But these guys, what is on their chairs?
It must be to keep the germs off for when Donald comes.
So if it's just for Donald, why is it not just
It's also inaccurate because if they were doing this
like the proper debate, the guy playing Donald would be
standing about two feet behind Clinton.
Well, they did say on their website, on the Washington University these
two people who took part said that all the tech guys say -
can you please pace up-and-down a lot, and you, the Donald
character, can you interrupt her quite loudly because we need it
to be a realistic representation of what's going to happen, so we can
So between the first and the second debate the amount that Trump
interrupted Clinton dropped by 72% because he interrupted her only 15
Although, it's really interesting, the figures, loads of people have
It's very hard to measure what's an interuption - I don't
You must have known that was going to happen.
OK, we should move on to our next fact.
It's time for fact number two and that
My fact this week is that the hip-hop duo
Insane Clown Posse has just issued a statement to say
there's no such thing as an insane clown.
So this is about all those insane clowns walking the streets
So this is a report on their Facebook page that said one
reporter had asked them if all these crazy clowns that have been going
going around in this last week were a promotional thing
They said, "needless to say we shut him down we shut his
There are no killer clowns, it's just jackasses being jacskasses,
And then, one of their members, Violent J...
He wrote an article for Times saying that the real clowns are the police,
the racists, big governments, like the NSA and all those people.
Professional clowns are suffering hugely.
They've made a lot of statements about this.
For example, Randy Christenssen, who is the...
He's the President of the World Clown Association.
But he said, he pointed out, "if someone dresses like a doctor
and is in a doctor's smock and is wearing a stethoscope
and is in a haunted house and comes as at you with a chainsaw,
So obviously it's surprisingly it's been front page news on so many
newspapers and so many sightings are happening where we're seeing
Dan, reads a particular kind of newspaper.
So they are being spotted everywhere.
Actually, there's now even an app that you can get.
It's a clown tracker, where you're able...
You can spot where all the clowns have been.
As of me taking that screen grab there was just over
They are just weirdeoes who have got a bit of slap or put
Also, they're not necessarily sightings.
I think in the US more people are being aest ared for reporting
fake clown sightings than fake clowns being arrested.
It's a complete hoax most of the time most of the calls made.
It's really irritating on the police.
This fact was about a band who dress as clowns doing
I thought - what other bands do I know where there are people
One of the members of Slipknot is a guy called Clown,
or they call him Clown, and he has a really,
So I emailed Corey Taylor, who is the lead singer of Slipknot
and he gave me a statement on this.
He said, "the affects have been such that even our dear Clown has
downgraded himself to Mime in order to distance himself from these
hedonistic doppelgangers until
Remember, a real clown doesn't need a knife to intimidate,
There I found a website called, ihateclowns.com.
They've been going since 1996 and the whole website is just
In fact, there's an article on it that lists 34
A clown wrote the original music and lyrics to, you
They have big feet and then way down on the list,
but I think most important - a clown stole my dad's job.
So another clown job out there is being an evil
So I don't think this is helping their PR
You can hire evil clowns to stalk your children.
There is someone called Winkles who did an interview
with the Independent a short while ago who said...
"When I was a kid it was OK to scare children and now they're
One mother hired him to stand at a bus stop and stare
at her 12-year-old son until he started crying in front
So that child who got chased, who saw Wrinkles on the other side
of the bus stop and ran home, his mother had a quote saying
something along the lines of - "it's really great, any time he's
really naughty, I say, OK, Wrinkles is coming" and then he does
There is one bit of good news if you are one of the people
who are freaking out about the clowns everywhere right
now and you suffer generally from the fear of clowns.
You can actually have that solved by a particular circus in the UK.
They offer clowncilling, where they get you through your
So clowncilling is out there if you need it.
OK, so we are halfway through the show.
It's time to look at the stories that you sent in to us
We start with James. I was sent this. That isn't depression, it is
throwing a strop, and she can go to her room for the rest of the
evening. I got this, the news that Australia's only flamingo...
Australia has one flamingo? One flamingo, and it's a pensioner! And
lastly, Andy. And continue to send us more
of your tweets and Facebook messages OK, we should move on to our third
fact of the show and that is, My fact is that this week,
four separate pumpkin This is the real story
of this week's news, guys! So it's October, which means that
now is when we have pumpkins. And one thing that goes
with that is, you have a load of competitions happening
all around the world. And the records are tumbling
like ninepins at the moment. So we've had, in the last week
alone, several records broken for biggest outdoors
grown pumpkin in the UK, biggest pumpkin ever in America,
biggest pumpkin ever in the world, and the furthest someone's
travelled in a boat made out Why do they turn these
pumpkins into boats? Erm, often, they taste quite bland
because they've grown so huge. What's amazing about them is, yes,
they may not taste good, so that's not the reason for making
them, it's the fact that as they get bigger, more and more people
want to make it bigger pumpkin. And so the seeds of the pumpkin
are worth huge amounts of money. So the one that grew,
the outdoor British one, that was grown from a seed
that cost ?1,250. But the seeds from this
pumpkin that he's grown, you'll be able to get
two for a tenner! Because I thought the pound had
plummeted, so that seems reasonable! Like, these are massive,
these pumpkins. And no-one thought we'd get to a ton
and that was achieved only I never dared
to dream! They did work out the
maximum that a pumpkin They put a pumpkin into a vice
and they kind of squeezed its work out how much water
you can get into it. And they reckon the maximum
you can get is about I actually read a different report,
which is they've worked Because they're trying
to find out what maximum The problem with growing pumpkins
on Earth is gravity. And gravity is what stops it
from being able to go In theory, and this
is my own deduction... ..you could grow a pumpkin
the size of a planet. We could be living in a pumpkin
universe, that's what I'm saying. How's that blinded
by science condition Just quickly deal with
the pumpkin as canoe record So this was in Washington State
and it was a woman called Charity Marshall, who went 15 miles
in a boat made out of a pumpkin. The previous record was eight
miles, so this is, again, It's only, what, 23 miles from Dover
to Calais, how long until we can What I'm saying is, by the time
Brexit happens, can I get out I think we've got one more picture,
actually, which is of the pumpkin grown by a pair of twins,
Ian and Stuart Paton. Stuart said, "Some days,
we'll spend five hours We never get bored
or fed up with them, Can I tell you something
about the Paton brothers? They've been growing pumpkins
since they were 11 and in 2004, Ian Paton won the
30-year-old pumpkin contest between Everton and Milford
on Sea, and he broke the British record and he required the Army
to come and deliver And Everton got very angry
about that and used him of cheating Which he totally denies,
by the way. So in the end, everyone
pulled out on the whole Who turns up with a pumpkin
on an army truck? You would think the Army had better
things to do in 2004! Looking into how people grow these
pumpkins, it's amazing because they So I've seen lots of photos
of these massive pumpkins. So they just make sure
that they are nice and warm. So not only do they put water
on them, they put milk Sorry, pumpkins can't milk
creatures in the wild, so it feels like they don't
naturally want milk. You don't get Viagra
in the wild either! Can I show you my record-breaking
big thing of the week? So this is the world's biggest
swing. And this was swung on this week
and this was created by Red Bull and I think we've got video
footage of it. Sky divers jumped from a hot
air balloon. And there was a swing
attached to it. The two balloons had to be exactly
the right distance apart, or otherwise, they would have
broken their bodies. But yes, they created
the biggest swing ever They were 1800 metres
above the ground. And then they hurled themselves
of the swing at the last minute. OK, let's move on to our final fact
of the show, and that is, Anna? My fact is that no one will be
allowed to wear a smartwatch at Theresa May's Cabinet meeting
this week for fear the Russians So this week is her first Cabinet
meeting following Conference season, and she said no
Apple watches allowed. And smartphones have been banned
in Cabinet meetings In fact, people in Parliament
who are going to sensitive meetings were certain things might be
discussed have been given lead-lined, soundproofed boxes
that they have to put their phones Didn't Edward Snowden,
whenever he had a meeting where he was discussing the leaks,
he would make everyone But Edward Snowden is pro-leaking,
right? It was said David Cameron
banned mobile phones But then he relented in 2015
and they were about have a really important, sensitive briefing
about cyber security and he said, OK, I know I've banned phones,
but if anyone here did by mistake bring a phone into the room,
can you please get up and it outside because we are going
to have this briefing? 12 ministers around
the table got up. Potentially allowing the Russians
and the Chinese to spy on us! Didn't he also have a situation
where with smart watches, it was a smartwatch,
Michael Gove during a meeting... He accidentally pressed the wrong
button on his watch. She does say a lot about
betrayal, doesn't she? She actually, that was quite funny,
that incident, because that happened in this Cabinet meeting and Cameron
was apparently really angry with Michael Gove
that this had happened. Imagine if he had known
what was going to happen He would have been so much calmer
about the whole thing! Didn't they ban Furbies
for a while back in the time I think they banned them
from Government offices and stuff because they
could record things. And also because it is
a Government office But David Cameron had
an amnesty on Furbies. So on the hacking thing,
so this week, Yahoo have patented a smart billboard
which they want to collect people's information on and use it
to broadcast adverts to them in real-time which are targeted
as they for example they are That can't possibly go wrong
from a company that has had a billion
e-mails hacked! But also, you might not want
or your adverts targeted There was a thing in Jakarta this
week where someone was arrested for hacking a billboard
and putting He said, I was bored,
I wanted to watch porn! And they had on the billboard,
it wasn't a proper hack, This week, they have
permanently discontinued And there was a Guardian Q
and the question is, do I need to hand
back my Samsung phone? And the answer is,
only if it is a Galaxy Note 7. You can tell if it is a Galaxy Note
7 because it says on the back Did the person reply,
what if I can't read the back So New Scientist did a piece this
week on hacking and it was warning about the dangers of toy hacking
because Christmas toys have started being advertised and
smart toys are a thing. I didn't know about them
because I am 30 and I don't Apparently last year,
Barbie released a toy that had a thing where a child would press it
and talk into it and a microphone would pick it up and transmitted
to Mattel, who run Barbie. And then they would recognise
the speech and they had an algorithm which worked out the appropriate
response to whatever And the warning by New Scientist
is that this could be hacked The warning for me would be,
that is creepy as hell! I don't know how high
on the hacker's priority list the whinings of
a five-year-old are! A whole generation of children
will grow up. It is about listening in,
I do not think they are going to be saying anything
particularly revealing. But you say things back
out of the Barbie like, And also, can you blackmail
them when they are older and say, you shat yourself
when you were four? I don't think they have that kind
of advanced sand recognition. There was actually a 5-star
review of one of these toys which defended it,
saying, "Hello Barbie..." Which is what it was called,
"..is just as risky as Siri and I've told Siri some
pretty odd things!" OK, that's it, that's
all of our facts. Just time to share with you some
of the stories that we didn't have And we are going to start with
James. OK, an emergency vehicle in Sweden
sent to deal with a cow killed in a collision with a car failed
to reach its destination after colliding
with another 37 cows! This is from the BBC and it's that
an Italian Mafia boss who was on the run from police
for five years was finally caught after 50 police searched his home
and found him hiding between his bedroom
and his bathroom. A secret compartment
between the two. This is from the Danish edition
of the local newspaper. It is that Danish medical experts
have confirmed that grunting while you defecates
doesn't help the process. OK, that's all from me,
Andy, James and Anna. We've been No Such Thing
As The News, goodbye!
An interesting, impish angle on the events of the week from the QI Elves, with James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.