Episode 1 No Such Thing as the News

Episode 1

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A chicken has been arrested attempting to cross


Tayside Police are appealing for information as to why


A Massachusetts man, who spent 26 years growing the largest pumpkin


much as a walrus, but probably tastes like cardboard.


Two under-11 football teams in China have been


The side that was losing 2-1 at half time scored 24 goals


in the second-half, including a suspicious number of own goals.


And the headline of the week from the Wilts


79 Cirencester man grows pineapple at his home


All of which can mean only one thing, there's No Such


Hello and welcome to a brand new series of No Such Thing


as the News, coming to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London.


My name is Dan Schreiber and I'm sitting here with Anna Ptaszynski,


Andrew Hunter Murray and James Harkin.


Over the next eight weeks, we're here to present to you the most


interesting stories we found in the news of the last seven days.


And, in no particular order, here we go.


My fact this week is that three days before his second debate


with Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump announced


He announced this at a town hall event where there was a moderator,


all the questions were submitted by the audience and his answers


were timed to be no longer than two minutes.


But I can see why he was saying that this wasn't preparation


at the same time because in a way he kind of just...


It was moderated by someone who was a fan of his.


The questions weren't exactly what he might expect in the actual


Because questions were like, "what would you say to convince


to convince Hispanics - who are deceived by Obama,


Clinton and the biased media - to vote for you?"


And, "what's you're favourite childhood memory?"


The moderator read that and it ends with "go, Donald!


Donald Trump didn't have a childhood.


So Jane Goodall said this week the primatoligt, anthropologist


that the way he's risen to the top is exactly like how chimps rise


As in, they impress each other by doing lots of stamping around


on the ground, lots of throwing rocks about,


That convinces people around them that they're the dominant one


and that means they rise to the top of the hierarchy the fastest


That's really interesting because didn't Nigel Farage also say


say that he was like a male silverback gorilla?


An animal with a three centimetre penis.


But with hands that small, it looks fine.


So during the debate, according to Merriam-Webster,


the dictionary company, the top searched for word


Also, bigley, demagogic and pettual lent.


So the Wall Street Journal looked at the response around the world.


Them looked at the response from China online an what people


It was, basically, a lot of people saying -


I'm glad that we don't have this kind of democracy where


One person commenting saying "the choice was like that


between that of mouldy bread and expired sausage."


So there was a lot of coverage this week about the handshakegate


At the start of the first debate him and Hillary shook hands


and at the start of this debate they didn't, although


But I didn't realise that that might be because Donald Trump has a more


Donald Trump has a more -- morbid fear of shaking hands.


So he thinks it's completely barbaric.


He's written in books that he's written that it's one of the curses


of American society, a terrible practice and one


of the worst disadvantages of being famous because you have


to do it so often because he's a germaphobe


Although he has said on tape that you get to do other


I was looking into handshakes I thought, again, if Trump makes it


in and he hates handshakes, it's a big part of the


I discovered that once you become president


What it is, is that all presidents have a thing


It's a little coin, lots of people in the military have it as well,


when they decide that they're going to give someone that coin,


they put it in the palm of their hand, very secretively,


and then they shake the hand and they hand over a free coin.


Obama keeps them in his pocket and that's to people...


That guy behind him has no idea, has he?


He must be coming in at that with such speed that the G-force


Well, the first time Obama did it he actually dropped


Photographers desperately try to capture a challenge


coin being handed over, military do it.


It's kind of like collecting Pokemon.


If you get the President one, that's getting the ultimate.


So before the debate happened this week, there had to be a practice


debate to make sure that all the text stuff was working OK.


So this happened at Washington University and stand-ins


were recruited from the university to come and be Trump and Clinton


and they were selected because they were the same


And they had to come up with what topics they were going


to debate because they had to be on stage for hours.


So the topics they went for to debate were subjects


So they debated Snap Chat versus Instagram.


They debated who likes Dora the Explorer more


and they debated who is going to end up on the Iron Throne at the end


This is nicer than a lot of the stuff we actually saw.


But these guys, what is on their chairs?


It must be to keep the germs off for when Donald comes.


So if it's just for Donald, why is it not just


It's also inaccurate because if they were doing this


like the proper debate, the guy playing Donald would be


standing about two feet behind Clinton.


Well, they did say on their website, on the Washington University these


two people who took part said that all the tech guys say -


can you please pace up-and-down a lot, and you, the Donald


character, can you interrupt her quite loudly because we need it


to be a realistic representation of what's going to happen, so we can


So between the first and the second debate the amount that Trump


interrupted Clinton dropped by 72% because he interrupted her only 15


Although, it's really interesting, the figures, loads of people have


It's very hard to measure what's an interuption - I don't


You must have known that was going to happen.


OK, we should move on to our next fact.


It's time for fact number two and that


My fact this week is that the hip-hop duo


Insane Clown Posse has just issued a statement to say


there's no such thing as an insane clown.


So this is about all those insane clowns walking the streets


So this is a report on their Facebook page that said one


reporter had asked them if all these crazy clowns that have been going


going around in this last week were a promotional thing


They said, "needless to say we shut him down we shut his


There are no killer clowns, it's just jackasses being jacskasses,


And then, one of their members, Violent J...


He wrote an article for Times saying that the real clowns are the police,


the racists, big governments, like the NSA and all those people.


Professional clowns are suffering hugely.


They've made a lot of statements about this.


For example, Randy Christenssen, who is the...


He's the President of the World Clown Association.


But he said, he pointed out, "if someone dresses like a doctor


and is in a doctor's smock and is wearing a stethoscope


and is in a haunted house and comes as at you with a chainsaw,


So obviously it's surprisingly it's been front page news on so many


newspapers and so many sightings are happening where we're seeing


Dan, reads a particular kind of newspaper.


So they are being spotted everywhere.


Actually, there's now even an app that you can get.


It's a clown tracker, where you're able...


You can spot where all the clowns have been.


As of me taking that screen grab there was just over


They are just weirdeoes who have got a bit of slap or put


Also, they're not necessarily sightings.


I think in the US more people are being aest ared for reporting


fake clown sightings than fake clowns being arrested.


It's a complete hoax most of the time most of the calls made.


It's really irritating on the police.


This fact was about a band who dress as clowns doing


I thought - what other bands do I know where there are people


One of the members of Slipknot is a guy called Clown,


or they call him Clown, and he has a really,


So I emailed Corey Taylor, who is the lead singer of Slipknot


and he gave me a statement on this.


He said, "the affects have been such that even our dear Clown has


downgraded himself to Mime in order to distance himself from these


hedonistic doppelgangers until


Remember, a real clown doesn't need a knife to intimidate,


There I found a website called, ihateclowns.com.


They've been going since 1996 and the whole website is just


In fact, there's an article on it that lists 34


A clown wrote the original music and lyrics to, you


They have big feet and then way down on the list,


but I think most important - a clown stole my dad's job.


So another clown job out there is being an evil


So I don't think this is helping their PR


You can hire evil clowns to stalk your children.


There is someone called Winkles who did an interview


with the Independent a short while ago who said...


"When I was a kid it was OK to scare children and now they're


One mother hired him to stand at a bus stop and stare


at her 12-year-old son until he started crying in front


So that child who got chased, who saw Wrinkles on the other side


of the bus stop and ran home, his mother had a quote saying


something along the lines of - "it's really great, any time he's


really naughty, I say, OK, Wrinkles is coming" and then he does


There is one bit of good news if you are one of the people


who are freaking out about the clowns everywhere right


now and you suffer generally from the fear of clowns.


You can actually have that solved by a particular circus in the UK.


They offer clowncilling, where they get you through your


So clowncilling is out there if you need it.


OK, so we are halfway through the show.


It's time to look at the stories that you sent in to us


We start with James. I was sent this. That isn't depression, it is


throwing a strop, and she can go to her room for the rest of the


evening. I got this, the news that Australia's only flamingo...


Australia has one flamingo? One flamingo, and it's a pensioner! And


lastly, Andy. And continue to send us more


of your tweets and Facebook messages OK, we should move on to our third


fact of the show and that is, My fact is that this week,


four separate pumpkin This is the real story


of this week's news, guys! So it's October, which means that


now is when we have pumpkins. And one thing that goes


with that is, you have a load of competitions happening


all around the world. And the records are tumbling


like ninepins at the moment. So we've had, in the last week


alone, several records broken for biggest outdoors


grown pumpkin in the UK, biggest pumpkin ever in America,


biggest pumpkin ever in the world, and the furthest someone's


travelled in a boat made out Why do they turn these


pumpkins into boats? Erm, often, they taste quite bland


because they've grown so huge. What's amazing about them is, yes,


they may not taste good, so that's not the reason for making


them, it's the fact that as they get bigger, more and more people


want to make it bigger pumpkin. And so the seeds of the pumpkin


are worth huge amounts of money. So the one that grew,


the outdoor British one, that was grown from a seed


that cost ?1,250. But the seeds from this


pumpkin that he's grown, you'll be able to get


two for a tenner! Because I thought the pound had


plummeted, so that seems reasonable! Like, these are massive,


these pumpkins. And no-one thought we'd get to a ton


and that was achieved only I never dared


to dream! They did work out the


maximum that a pumpkin They put a pumpkin into a vice


and they kind of squeezed its work out how much water


you can get into it. And they reckon the maximum


you can get is about I actually read a different report,


which is they've worked Because they're trying


to find out what maximum The problem with growing pumpkins


on Earth is gravity. And gravity is what stops it


from being able to go In theory, and this


is my own deduction... ..you could grow a pumpkin


the size of a planet. We could be living in a pumpkin


universe, that's what I'm saying. How's that blinded


by science condition Just quickly deal with


the pumpkin as canoe record So this was in Washington State


and it was a woman called Charity Marshall, who went 15 miles


in a boat made out of a pumpkin. The previous record was eight


miles, so this is, again, It's only, what, 23 miles from Dover


to Calais, how long until we can What I'm saying is, by the time


Brexit happens, can I get out I think we've got one more picture,


actually, which is of the pumpkin grown by a pair of twins,


Ian and Stuart Paton. Stuart said, "Some days,


we'll spend five hours We never get bored


or fed up with them, Can I tell you something


about the Paton brothers? They've been growing pumpkins


since they were 11 and in 2004, Ian Paton won the


30-year-old pumpkin contest between Everton and Milford


on Sea, and he broke the British record and he required the Army


to come and deliver And Everton got very angry


about that and used him of cheating Which he totally denies,


by the way. So in the end, everyone


pulled out on the whole Who turns up with a pumpkin


on an army truck? You would think the Army had better


things to do in 2004! Looking into how people grow these


pumpkins, it's amazing because they So I've seen lots of photos


of these massive pumpkins. So they just make sure


that they are nice and warm. So not only do they put water


on them, they put milk Sorry, pumpkins can't milk


creatures in the wild, so it feels like they don't


naturally want milk. You don't get Viagra


in the wild either! Can I show you my record-breaking


big thing of the week? So this is the world's biggest


swing. And this was swung on this week


and this was created by Red Bull and I think we've got video


footage of it. Sky divers jumped from a hot


air balloon. And there was a swing


attached to it. The two balloons had to be exactly


the right distance apart, or otherwise, they would have


broken their bodies. But yes, they created


the biggest swing ever They were 1800 metres


above the ground. And then they hurled themselves


of the swing at the last minute. OK, let's move on to our final fact


of the show, and that is, Anna? My fact is that no one will be


allowed to wear a smartwatch at Theresa May's Cabinet meeting


this week for fear the Russians So this week is her first Cabinet


meeting following Conference season, and she said no


Apple watches allowed. And smartphones have been banned


in Cabinet meetings In fact, people in Parliament


who are going to sensitive meetings were certain things might be


discussed have been given lead-lined, soundproofed boxes


that they have to put their phones Didn't Edward Snowden,


whenever he had a meeting where he was discussing the leaks,


he would make everyone But Edward Snowden is pro-leaking,


right? It was said David Cameron


banned mobile phones But then he relented in 2015


and they were about have a really important, sensitive briefing


about cyber security and he said, OK, I know I've banned phones,


but if anyone here did by mistake bring a phone into the room,


can you please get up and it outside because we are going


to have this briefing? 12 ministers around


the table got up. Potentially allowing the Russians


and the Chinese to spy on us! Didn't he also have a situation


where with smart watches, it was a smartwatch,


Michael Gove during a meeting... He accidentally pressed the wrong


button on his watch. She does say a lot about


betrayal, doesn't she? She actually, that was quite funny,


that incident, because that happened in this Cabinet meeting and Cameron


was apparently really angry with Michael Gove


that this had happened. Imagine if he had known


what was going to happen He would have been so much calmer


about the whole thing! Didn't they ban Furbies


for a while back in the time I think they banned them


from Government offices and stuff because they


could record things. And also because it is


a Government office But David Cameron had


an amnesty on Furbies. So on the hacking thing,


so this week, Yahoo have patented a smart billboard


which they want to collect people's information on and use it


to broadcast adverts to them in real-time which are targeted


as they for example they are That can't possibly go wrong


from a company that has had a billion


e-mails hacked! But also, you might not want


or your adverts targeted There was a thing in Jakarta this


week where someone was arrested for hacking a billboard


and putting He said, I was bored,


I wanted to watch porn! And they had on the billboard,


it wasn't a proper hack, This week, they have


permanently discontinued And there was a Guardian Q


and the question is, do I need to hand


back my Samsung phone? And the answer is,


only if it is a Galaxy Note 7. You can tell if it is a Galaxy Note


7 because it says on the back Did the person reply,


what if I can't read the back So New Scientist did a piece this


week on hacking and it was warning about the dangers of toy hacking


because Christmas toys have started being advertised and


smart toys are a thing. I didn't know about them


because I am 30 and I don't Apparently last year,


Barbie released a toy that had a thing where a child would press it


and talk into it and a microphone would pick it up and transmitted


to Mattel, who run Barbie. And then they would recognise


the speech and they had an algorithm which worked out the appropriate


response to whatever And the warning by New Scientist


is that this could be hacked The warning for me would be,


that is creepy as hell! I don't know how high


on the hacker's priority list the whinings of


a five-year-old are! A whole generation of children


will grow up. It is about listening in,


I do not think they are going to be saying anything


particularly revealing. But you say things back


out of the Barbie like, And also, can you blackmail


them when they are older and say, you shat yourself


when you were four? I don't think they have that kind


of advanced sand recognition. There was actually a 5-star


review of one of these toys which defended it,


saying, "Hello Barbie..." Which is what it was called,


"..is just as risky as Siri and I've told Siri some


pretty odd things!" OK, that's it, that's


all of our facts. Just time to share with you some


of the stories that we didn't have And we are going to start with


James. OK, an emergency vehicle in Sweden


sent to deal with a cow killed in a collision with a car failed


to reach its destination after colliding


with another 37 cows! This is from the BBC and it's that


an Italian Mafia boss who was on the run from police


for five years was finally caught after 50 police searched his home


and found him hiding between his bedroom


and his bathroom. A secret compartment


between the two. This is from the Danish edition


of the local newspaper. It is that Danish medical experts


have confirmed that grunting while you defecates


doesn't help the process. OK, that's all from me,


Andy, James and Anna. We've been No Such Thing


As The News, goodbye!


An interesting, impish angle on the events of the week from the QI Elves, with James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.

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