Episode 2 No Such Thing as the News

439 items of lost property at a Staffordshire theme park include a

spring onion. Police in Newfoundland have arrested a man for trying to

break into prison. 1,300 Swiss carpenters have set a new world

record clapping record. Headline of the week from the talking herald

painterman offers reward after speed bump stolen. That's the world this

evening from No Such Thing As The News.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The News. Coming

to you from up the creek in Greenwich London. I'm Dan Schreiber

I'm sitting here with Anna Ptaszynski, Andrew Hunter Murray and

James Harkin. CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE. Each week we will be presenting to

you the most interesting stories we found in the news in the last seven

days. No particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Andrew Hunter

Murray. My fact is, that the first time the British Cabinet approved

plans for a third runway at Heathrow the check-in desk was still a row of

tents. There it is. When was that? 1946. It was as it

opened as a civilian airfield. 46, two runways. They said - we need a

third one at some point. That's a good idea, let's do that. They have

kind of been having that discussion since then. The The decision was

meant to happen this week. It has been put off for one week. 0 years

so far, one more week won't make that much difference. There is

another sub-committee who look into it next week. Within a week of that

they hold the Commons vote. That vote is only to see what the Commons

thinks of it. Then they have to have a public consultation. Then they

have to something called a National Policy Statement. The whole thing

could take up top two years. If Trump gets in we will all be living

in tents anyway. They are nice tents. Like clamping. They are nice

on the inside. Sofas and bowls of flowers. It sounds significantly

better than check-in now. Yes. So, Vote Trump.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. The third busiest airport in the

world. It makes sense that would happen. I was reading that basically

they have four invisible roundabouts above the airport. What? So many

planes are landing, they don't have time to facilitate landing them all

on a direct route. They have four spaces in the world, called stats.

It's basically just a giant invisible roundabout. You spend 20

minutes circling around for round it abouts. Is it give way to the left?

You said moving to the left. Scientists in Queensland, at the

University of Queens lance land are using budgies to stop plane crashes?

I giant? They are normal size. Are he this using them as those bats to

wave. What they've done, they noticed if you get a load of budgies

in a small area they don't fly into each other that much. They filmed a

group of them. When they come near each other they always turn right.

If each one is turning right they always miss each other. Hold on. Can

I check. We hadn't worked out that in order to not crash into each

other we had to have a system where by we knew which way to turn when we

saw an oncoming plane we had to wait for the budgies to tell us. A plane

had to land on three wheels this week. It was a British Airways

plane. It was leaving London to go to Chicago and then I think the

pilots realised that their wheel under carriage was locked am they

wouldn't be able to get the wheels out properly and land properly. They

turned around. It landed on three wheels rather than five. It's

common. It's called a belly landing if there is a malfunction with the

plane. It's called a gear uplanding if the pilot forgets to put the

wheels down. Is it that he forgets or something goes wrong? It's always

human errorsor. When they don't go down it's human error. No. There is

a book called Aviation Management, there is an old flying adadge, there

are two types of pilot, those who have landed gear up and those that

will. Wow! They have noticed that budgies always put their feet down

when they land. That's really interesting.

APPLAUSE. Heathrow was almost called Swintonfield after the Air Minister.

People worried people from other countries couldn't pronounced

Heathrow. The first ever take off and landing at Heathrow was in 1925,

way before the airport was actually there. It was a pilot called Norm

app Mak Milan am he needed somewhere to land because his plane was in

trouble. . He saw this patch in Hounslow. He went down, he landed.

Later on he took off and he thought - this is a nice flat bit. That is

how Heathrow became Heathrow. Before they used its a an airport it was

used for ploughing competitions. I was following a ploughing

competition in America, just recently... What do you mean

following? Like, in the news. I read it was happening. Very exciting. Is

it. Great ploughers out there. It's a worldwide thing. Did it make you

wonder why they ever made an airport when ploughing... Why do you needed

to go anywhere. Some people have to get to the ploughing competition.

Another bit of news about airports that appeared in the last couple of

weeks. It's worth everyone knowing. It's that in Iraq the Transport

Minister recently did a conference in which to announce the fact they

were constructing a new airport. During the conference he announced a

very important historical fact, which is that Iraq actually had the

oldest airport ever in the world. This is during his actual

presentation. Perhaps many do not know that the first airport to be

built on planet earth, 5,000 years ago, was built here. When they

settled here they knew well that atmosphere was suitable for flying

to Uter space. It was from here that the spaceships took off towards the

other planets. That is the Iraqi Transport Minister. We need to move

on very shortly. Does anyone have anything before we do? This is

another thing from earlier on this year about aeroplanes. Iron Maiden,

the band, heavy metal band they got a new aeroplane this year. In fact,

their lead singer is also a pilot. He flies all their planes when they

go places. They had to alter their travel plans this year because they

were supposed to touch down in tort Monday, it turned out that the metal

out of which their plane was built was too heavy and had to reconnect

their flight and get a connecting bus. Amazing. Fantastic. OK. We will

have to move on to our second fact of the show. That is, James Harkin.

This week's leaked Hillary Clinton speeches only exist because her

staff were sending them to each other saying, "what are we going to

do if these get leaked?" That's in an actual email that they... Yes.

Basically, she did these speeches to Wall Street. It's a bit

controversial because a lot of Democrats don't think she should be

close to Wall Street. It's embarrassing for her. They didn't

want anyone to see these things. People were sending them to each

other saying, "what are we going to do?" Her campaign Chairman had his

emails leaked which meant we saw all the conversations about these

speeches. Right. That is how we get to know about them. The Clinton team

haven't confirmed or denied that these leaks are real. Hillary's

running mate doesn't give any creedance to the documents because

he doesn't know if they are accurate. There has been polling out

today shows that one in four 18-35-year-olds would prefer a giant

meet other to hit either of the candidates. Not one, either. It's a

weird election where you could put Nick Clegg against these two and he

would win, right? There is only one way that I can see that Donald Trump

could win this election, and that is if they hold it in Russia. Because,

Wayne Gallop did a poll of 45 countries in the world, which

represents 75% of the world's population and asked, would you vote

for Hillary or Trump. In Russia Trump has a 23% lead. In America

Hillary has a 7% lead. Everywhere else in the world she has a higher

lead than she does in America. She has 9% lead in China, 49% lead in

the UK, 80% lead in Portugal. 80%. Trump gets 5%ed in Portugal against

her 85 and some don't knows. They all went for the meet other. --

meter. Tior. He has a lead against robots. An academic story of the

first first debate and reaction online. Trump got four times as many

tweets from bots than Clinton. If you fweet more than 50 times a day

you are probably a robot, that is how they measure it. Bots tend to

follow many more accounts than they are followed by in turn. A sign that

they do not have real friends. All these really depressed people

listening to this. On Clinton, there is this scandal about the fact she

helicopter emails on a private server. An article this week said

Clinton was unaware of the requirement in 2012 to turn over her

emails when she left office that may be due to to a concussion in 2012.

She fainted aed at home, hit her head and was sick for a while and

had trouble remembering stuff said in meetings. She had to wear a

special pair of glasses for a while and I didn't know these were a

thing. They are called frenal glasses. On her left eye, that is

not normal glasses. That is a frenal lens. She's a Trump voting robot!

They are in lighthouses? That is the original frenal lens. That causes a

lighthouse to be able to project light much further it corrects

double vision, which is what she had. Who the hell is that? That was

the poster girl for the lens in the 1930s. Maybe she's born with it,

maybe it's the frenal. Isn't that cool. She had the glasses to correct

her double vision for ages. This This is about WikiLeaks. Julian much

Assange has been in the news because Pamela Anderson visited him. There

was a tweet from WikiLeaks saying that the internet link has been

intentionally severed by a state party. We have activated the

appropriate contingency plans. It sounds like they are having a party

and they are like, what should we do... The conspiracy is that Pamela

Anderson went in as a government agent and poisoned him. You would

pick someone inconspicuous. The most famous woman in the world... In the

90s! What! I was reading into his Assange's time at the Ecuadorian

embassy. He is in a small section of the building. He runs two accounts.

The Wikileak account. This is his other account. It's called Embassy

Cat. It was a Cat that was given to him. It's interested in counter

purrvelance and supposedly he tweets daily from this account. You say he

lives in a small room. The ladies toilet. He had a room which was

bigger. He couldn't really sleep because it was near Harrods loading

bay. When the police change shifts it always woke him up. He found the

quietest place in the building it was the ladies toilets. They ripped

out the toilets and sinks and put a bed in there. He has a treadmill

which was donated to him by Ken Loach the director who wanted to

make sure he got exercise. He says he does four to five miles a day on

that treadmill. He got it in December 2012. I calculated how many

miles he's actually run inside the Ecuadorian embassy. He's run by

5,600 miles and 7,000 miles, right. I thought, OK. How far is that

actually if you were running in a straight line? What I worked out...

The same distance. Oh, right. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.

It is incredibly far to run. That would mean he has run the equivalent

miles if he started at the London Embassy he could have run all the

way by now to Equador! .

That's how far he has run in theory in that one room in the Equadorian

embassy! We are half-way through the show and

it is time to look at the stories that you sent in via e-mails and

social media. We're going to start with you Andy. This was sent in by

Laura. It is that police are looking for two female pensioners suspected

of stealing a six foot high portrait of Steve McQueen from an Irish hotel

with the aid of a zimmer frame! LAUGHTER

Sadly, sadly, they found it was too big to fit into their car and it was

discovered with slight damage outside a nearby restaurant.

LAUGHTER James, what have you got? Mine came

from Matthew Lowe on Twitter. It is that a group of crows in Hull have

turned violent and started attacking pigeons! Due to the closure of their

favourite branch of McDonald's! LAUGHTER

Anna? This is from a viewer. Leicester man has admitted stealing

13 blocks of cheese worth ?39 from a supermarket. He said he was not sure

at the time how much cheese he had taken or what he would have done

with it! LAUGHTER

OK. It is time to move on to fact number three and that is my fact. My

fact this week is that this week's scientists have announced that they

have finally worked out why the sky goes dark at night.

Is it because the sun's not there? LAUGHTER

You would think that, right? That's why it goes dark. But it is not.

Well, test me theory. So... 200 years ago there was a German

astronomer and he had this thought which is that if we live in a

universe with an infinite number of stars how come at night if it is

completely coated with light from the stars, are we not just in

permanent daylight? So many theories were put forward about this. A lot

of people thought that one of the reasons that he might have got it

wrong about the infin it star idea is that actually we're not coated as

it is with stars at the moment. But very recently a research team in

Nottingham has found a whole new batch of galaxies. I spoke to the

guy who was part of the research team. We spoke on Skype. Here is a

picture of him. Professor Christopher. This is a by-product of

a major, major discovery which is there are way more gal agosies in

the universe than we thought and they plug the houles holes in the

night sky therefore we are completely covered in light. It

reverts to another theory, the gas in the universe absorbs light, but

that's the reason we have dark skies at night. That's true. It is partly

the light could be absorbed by the gas or by dust. It is partly by

something called red shift which means as they go further away, they

appear more red and they go into the infa red part of the spectrum we

can't see and because the universe is expanding, some of the stars are

further away, but basically, it is because the sun's not there.

APPLAUSE We do get sometimes quite

interesting light at night. There was a photo taken this week and I

have not heard of this before, but it is a moonbow. It is a rainbow at

night. That's night-time. How cool? You get fogbows as well. The same as

rain really, it is just a different kind of...

LAUGHTER. There is one more development in

space this week which is isn't really in space. But it is... It is

a new theoretical entity in space. It is a new nation which has been

founded. There is a Russian scientist launched this as a

theoretical nation that's meant to cause peace and stop conflict

spreading to earth. You can sign up via the website and I'm a citizen

and it is pretty easy! They just need your e-mail and aning bank

details for some reason! I did this as well. Anna? I haven't done it.

I'm a foreigner. LAUGHTER

Less than a week after this thing launched, it has more citizens than

Barbados, it is pretty good. Over 400,000 people signed up. One thing

in space this week they have tikanaughts. I saw a great video of

the launch they did and the Chinese do something fantastic just on the

count of two before they go up. I'm going to show you a video and this

is of the astronauts as they are sitting inside with a five countdown

going on within the shuttle. Here we go. It is, four, three, hello!

LAUGHTER Just a little salute. Keep your

hands on the wheels at two! Sadly, it is like no hands!

So they're going up to the Chinese space station. They are going to

have another space station, it will be ten times better because it is

newer. There will have a robotic grappling arm, but the Pentagon have

voiced concerns that China maybe testing these technologies so they

might reach out and touch another country's satellite!

LAUGHTER Space pervert!

You would expect such a thing from the Trump administration. Just grab

them by the satellite! OK, we need to move on to our final

fact of the show and that is Anna. My fact, there is a four meter wide

hole in Sir David Attenborough's bottom! It must be lovely having a

series. Thank you for watching. This is the news this week that the RRS,

Sir David Attenborough which is the ship better known as Boaty Mc Boat

Face it has a four meter wide hole in the bottom. It will be a research

ship that will go to the Poles, the Arctic and Antarctic and do research

there over the next few years and they have built it a wet porch...

That sounds disgusting! I didn't want to say David Attenborough has a

wet porch! I don't know why! So this is a hole that runs from the

deck right to the bottom of the ship and it means that you can conduct

experiments more easily so if you need to drop equipment into the

water it is a steadier environment in which to do it rather than

dropping it over the sides because the water will be calmer and because

it will be ploughing through ice, a lot, it will be able to cut through

one meter thick ice, you can drop equipment in because all around the

boat will be ice. It has a huge hole in the bottom of the boat. That's

very cool. It is the big news this week that David Attenborough went

down to see the ship being fitted with its keel and they do an

interesting thing with the coin. They press a coin into the bottom of

it. So the coin they put in was a newly be minted coin from the

British Antarctic area. They are minted to be used in the Antarctic!

I'm not really sure what people can buy there because they are not legal

tender in the UK either. They can only be used there. Not only that,

it is part of the Antarctic which we claim, but no one else in the world

believes that we own! LAUGHTER

Well, I think when they see this, they'll change their mind! So we

should say that Boaty Mc Face has a role to play, quite an important

role and David Attenborough was sweet on the Today programme, Boaty

Mc Boat Face is the little submarine that they are going to allow to

descend, but it is very Independent. It can go 6,000 meters down below

sea level to explore the sea and it will be able to remain at sea for

many months at a time and we have got a picture of the sign that was

at the opening ceremony. So they are trying to get people to take it more

seriously and that was the sign they put up of Boaty Mc Boat Face. They

invited David Attenborough, I wonder if they invited the man who

suggested Boaty Mc Boat Face. I found him on Twitter and he was

invited. So that's really nice, but he said he was too busy! I think he

kind of regretted it instantly because so much flak came towards

him even in his bio he suggests regret because his bio line reads,

"The reason we can't have nice things, hashtag boaty McBoat face."

A really cool thing about the people who are building this boat. They are

called Cammell Laird. They are a famous boat building company. They

invented the mechanism on the London Underground that doesn't crush you

as you try to walk through the doorsment they had a contract to

build London Underground trains in the 1920s and they came up with

recycling doors which if they touched anything they'd re-open so

they wouldn't crush you and it was a complete disaster at first! Fingers

everywhere! No, they longed for the injuries of the past because what

was happening, I read this in a book called London Underground electric

train and passengers discovered its major weakness, they could use it to

wait for late comers especially if the late comer happened to be an

attractive lady. It caused massive delays. So people would just stand

there and wait for an attractive lady. We're going to have to wrap up

soon. Does anyone have anything before we do? Just one more thing

about that vote. So David Attenborough came fourth in that

vote, but they went for it anyway, but that's not what it is called, it

is called Sir David Attenborough and Sir David Attenborough came 57th.

Boats and names that beat him were, names that beat that name include I

Like Big Boats Sca and I Can Not Lie. Boats scabbing back Mountain

and I have collected a few of these. Usain Boat. And Ice, Ice Baby and

Clifford The Big Red Boat. That's all of our facts. Just time to share

with you the stories we didn't have time to get to and we'll start with

James. My fact is about this billboard. It has been erected in

Michigan and it is a message for Donald Trump that you can't read

this, but you're scared of it! LAUGHTER

Adam, what Scan a that BBC Breakfast apologised for showing a picture of

an escaped gorilla instead of Nicola Sturgeon. We have got a video of it

here. Coming up in the programme, we're going to be joined by Scottish

First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon. We'll talk to her about plans for a

second referendum on independence. LAUGHTER

Andy, what have you got? The Vladimir Putin calendar 2017 has

been published and it shows him respectively in a tree!

LAUGHTER In a wetsuit!

With a kitten. And getting into a combine harvester!

APPLAUSE OK, that's it. That's all from me

Annie, James and Anna will be back next week. We have been No Such

Thing As The News. Goodbye. Dan has escaped from a zoo. No Such

Thing As The News will be back next week at the same time. Bye-bye. Good

night. It says here that you're taking over

as the new host of QI. Oh, for goodness' sake!

Celebrity tittle-tattle.