Episode 2 No Such Thing as the News

Episode 2

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439 items of lost property at a Staffordshire theme park include a


spring onion. Police in Newfoundland have arrested a man for trying to


break into prison. 1,300 Swiss carpenters have set a new world


record clapping record. Headline of the week from the talking herald


painterman offers reward after speed bump stolen. That's the world this


evening from No Such Thing As The News.




Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The News. Coming


to you from up the creek in Greenwich London. I'm Dan Schreiber


I'm sitting here with Anna Ptaszynski, Andrew Hunter Murray and


James Harkin. CHEERING AND


APPLAUSE. Each week we will be presenting to


you the most interesting stories we found in the news in the last seven


days. No particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Andrew Hunter


Murray. My fact is, that the first time the British Cabinet approved


plans for a third runway at Heathrow the check-in desk was still a row of


tents. There it is. When was that? 1946. It was as it


opened as a civilian airfield. 46, two runways. They said - we need a


third one at some point. That's a good idea, let's do that. They have


kind of been having that discussion since then. The The decision was


meant to happen this week. It has been put off for one week. 0 years


so far, one more week won't make that much difference. There is


another sub-committee who look into it next week. Within a week of that


they hold the Commons vote. That vote is only to see what the Commons


thinks of it. Then they have to have a public consultation. Then they


have to something called a National Policy Statement. The whole thing


could take up top two years. If Trump gets in we will all be living


in tents anyway. They are nice tents. Like clamping. They are nice


on the inside. Sofas and bowls of flowers. It sounds significantly


better than check-in now. Yes. So, Vote Trump.


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. The third busiest airport in the


world. It makes sense that would happen. I was reading that basically


they have four invisible roundabouts above the airport. What? So many


planes are landing, they don't have time to facilitate landing them all


on a direct route. They have four spaces in the world, called stats.


It's basically just a giant invisible roundabout. You spend 20


minutes circling around for round it abouts. Is it give way to the left?


You said moving to the left. Scientists in Queensland, at the


University of Queens lance land are using budgies to stop plane crashes?


I giant? They are normal size. Are he this using them as those bats to


wave. What they've done, they noticed if you get a load of budgies


in a small area they don't fly into each other that much. They filmed a


group of them. When they come near each other they always turn right.


If each one is turning right they always miss each other. Hold on. Can


I check. We hadn't worked out that in order to not crash into each


other we had to have a system where by we knew which way to turn when we


saw an oncoming plane we had to wait for the budgies to tell us. A plane


had to land on three wheels this week. It was a British Airways


plane. It was leaving London to go to Chicago and then I think the


pilots realised that their wheel under carriage was locked am they


wouldn't be able to get the wheels out properly and land properly. They


turned around. It landed on three wheels rather than five. It's


common. It's called a belly landing if there is a malfunction with the


plane. It's called a gear uplanding if the pilot forgets to put the


wheels down. Is it that he forgets or something goes wrong? It's always


human errorsor. When they don't go down it's human error. No. There is


a book called Aviation Management, there is an old flying adadge, there


are two types of pilot, those who have landed gear up and those that


will. Wow! They have noticed that budgies always put their feet down


when they land. That's really interesting.


APPLAUSE. Heathrow was almost called Swintonfield after the Air Minister.


People worried people from other countries couldn't pronounced


Heathrow. The first ever take off and landing at Heathrow was in 1925,


way before the airport was actually there. It was a pilot called Norm


app Mak Milan am he needed somewhere to land because his plane was in


trouble. . He saw this patch in Hounslow. He went down, he landed.


Later on he took off and he thought - this is a nice flat bit. That is


how Heathrow became Heathrow. Before they used its a an airport it was


used for ploughing competitions. I was following a ploughing


competition in America, just recently... What do you mean


following? Like, in the news. I read it was happening. Very exciting. Is


it. Great ploughers out there. It's a worldwide thing. Did it make you


wonder why they ever made an airport when ploughing... Why do you needed


to go anywhere. Some people have to get to the ploughing competition.


Another bit of news about airports that appeared in the last couple of


weeks. It's worth everyone knowing. It's that in Iraq the Transport


Minister recently did a conference in which to announce the fact they


were constructing a new airport. During the conference he announced a


very important historical fact, which is that Iraq actually had the


oldest airport ever in the world. This is during his actual


presentation. Perhaps many do not know that the first airport to be


built on planet earth, 5,000 years ago, was built here. When they


settled here they knew well that atmosphere was suitable for flying


to Uter space. It was from here that the spaceships took off towards the


other planets. That is the Iraqi Transport Minister. We need to move


on very shortly. Does anyone have anything before we do? This is


another thing from earlier on this year about aeroplanes. Iron Maiden,


the band, heavy metal band they got a new aeroplane this year. In fact,


their lead singer is also a pilot. He flies all their planes when they


go places. They had to alter their travel plans this year because they


were supposed to touch down in tort Monday, it turned out that the metal


out of which their plane was built was too heavy and had to reconnect


their flight and get a connecting bus. Amazing. Fantastic. OK. We will


have to move on to our second fact of the show. That is, James Harkin.


This week's leaked Hillary Clinton speeches only exist because her


staff were sending them to each other saying, "what are we going to


do if these get leaked?" That's in an actual email that they... Yes.


Basically, she did these speeches to Wall Street. It's a bit


controversial because a lot of Democrats don't think she should be


close to Wall Street. It's embarrassing for her. They didn't


want anyone to see these things. People were sending them to each


other saying, "what are we going to do?" Her campaign Chairman had his


emails leaked which meant we saw all the conversations about these


speeches. Right. That is how we get to know about them. The Clinton team


haven't confirmed or denied that these leaks are real. Hillary's


running mate doesn't give any creedance to the documents because


he doesn't know if they are accurate. There has been polling out


today shows that one in four 18-35-year-olds would prefer a giant


meet other to hit either of the candidates. Not one, either. It's a


weird election where you could put Nick Clegg against these two and he


would win, right? There is only one way that I can see that Donald Trump


could win this election, and that is if they hold it in Russia. Because,


Wayne Gallop did a poll of 45 countries in the world, which


represents 75% of the world's population and asked, would you vote


for Hillary or Trump. In Russia Trump has a 23% lead. In America


Hillary has a 7% lead. Everywhere else in the world she has a higher


lead than she does in America. She has 9% lead in China, 49% lead in


the UK, 80% lead in Portugal. 80%. Trump gets 5%ed in Portugal against


her 85 and some don't knows. They all went for the meet other. --


meter. Tior. He has a lead against robots. An academic story of the


first first debate and reaction online. Trump got four times as many


tweets from bots than Clinton. If you fweet more than 50 times a day


you are probably a robot, that is how they measure it. Bots tend to


follow many more accounts than they are followed by in turn. A sign that


they do not have real friends. All these really depressed people


listening to this. On Clinton, there is this scandal about the fact she


helicopter emails on a private server. An article this week said


Clinton was unaware of the requirement in 2012 to turn over her


emails when she left office that may be due to to a concussion in 2012.


She fainted aed at home, hit her head and was sick for a while and


had trouble remembering stuff said in meetings. She had to wear a


special pair of glasses for a while and I didn't know these were a


thing. They are called frenal glasses. On her left eye, that is


not normal glasses. That is a frenal lens. She's a Trump voting robot!


They are in lighthouses? That is the original frenal lens. That causes a


lighthouse to be able to project light much further it corrects


double vision, which is what she had. Who the hell is that? That was


the poster girl for the lens in the 1930s. Maybe she's born with it,


maybe it's the frenal. Isn't that cool. She had the glasses to correct


her double vision for ages. This This is about WikiLeaks. Julian much


Assange has been in the news because Pamela Anderson visited him. There


was a tweet from WikiLeaks saying that the internet link has been


intentionally severed by a state party. We have activated the


appropriate contingency plans. It sounds like they are having a party


and they are like, what should we do... The conspiracy is that Pamela


Anderson went in as a government agent and poisoned him. You would


pick someone inconspicuous. The most famous woman in the world... In the


90s! What! I was reading into his Assange's time at the Ecuadorian


embassy. He is in a small section of the building. He runs two accounts.


The Wikileak account. This is his other account. It's called Embassy


Cat. It was a Cat that was given to him. It's interested in counter


purrvelance and supposedly he tweets daily from this account. You say he


lives in a small room. The ladies toilet. He had a room which was


bigger. He couldn't really sleep because it was near Harrods loading


bay. When the police change shifts it always woke him up. He found the


quietest place in the building it was the ladies toilets. They ripped


out the toilets and sinks and put a bed in there. He has a treadmill


which was donated to him by Ken Loach the director who wanted to


make sure he got exercise. He says he does four to five miles a day on


that treadmill. He got it in December 2012. I calculated how many


miles he's actually run inside the Ecuadorian embassy. He's run by


5,600 miles and 7,000 miles, right. I thought, OK. How far is that


actually if you were running in a straight line? What I worked out...


The same distance. Oh, right. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.


It is incredibly far to run. That would mean he has run the equivalent


miles if he started at the London Embassy he could have run all the


way by now to Equador! .


That's how far he has run in theory in that one room in the Equadorian


embassy! We are half-way through the show and


it is time to look at the stories that you sent in via e-mails and


social media. We're going to start with you Andy. This was sent in by


Laura. It is that police are looking for two female pensioners suspected


of stealing a six foot high portrait of Steve McQueen from an Irish hotel


with the aid of a zimmer frame! LAUGHTER


Sadly, sadly, they found it was too big to fit into their car and it was


discovered with slight damage outside a nearby restaurant.


LAUGHTER James, what have you got? Mine came


from Matthew Lowe on Twitter. It is that a group of crows in Hull have


turned violent and started attacking pigeons! Due to the closure of their


favourite branch of McDonald's! LAUGHTER


Anna? This is from a viewer. Leicester man has admitted stealing


13 blocks of cheese worth ?39 from a supermarket. He said he was not sure


at the time how much cheese he had taken or what he would have done


with it! LAUGHTER


OK. It is time to move on to fact number three and that is my fact. My


fact this week is that this week's scientists have announced that they


have finally worked out why the sky goes dark at night.


Is it because the sun's not there? LAUGHTER


You would think that, right? That's why it goes dark. But it is not.


Well, test me theory. So... 200 years ago there was a German


astronomer and he had this thought which is that if we live in a


universe with an infinite number of stars how come at night if it is


completely coated with light from the stars, are we not just in


permanent daylight? So many theories were put forward about this. A lot


of people thought that one of the reasons that he might have got it


wrong about the infin it star idea is that actually we're not coated as


it is with stars at the moment. But very recently a research team in


Nottingham has found a whole new batch of galaxies. I spoke to the


guy who was part of the research team. We spoke on Skype. Here is a


picture of him. Professor Christopher. This is a by-product of


a major, major discovery which is there are way more gal agosies in


the universe than we thought and they plug the houles holes in the


night sky therefore we are completely covered in light. It


reverts to another theory, the gas in the universe absorbs light, but


that's the reason we have dark skies at night. That's true. It is partly


the light could be absorbed by the gas or by dust. It is partly by


something called red shift which means as they go further away, they


appear more red and they go into the infa red part of the spectrum we


can't see and because the universe is expanding, some of the stars are


further away, but basically, it is because the sun's not there.


APPLAUSE We do get sometimes quite


interesting light at night. There was a photo taken this week and I


have not heard of this before, but it is a moonbow. It is a rainbow at


night. That's night-time. How cool? You get fogbows as well. The same as


rain really, it is just a different kind of...


LAUGHTER. There is one more development in


space this week which is isn't really in space. But it is... It is


a new theoretical entity in space. It is a new nation which has been


founded. There is a Russian scientist launched this as a


theoretical nation that's meant to cause peace and stop conflict


spreading to earth. You can sign up via the website and I'm a citizen


and it is pretty easy! They just need your e-mail and aning bank


details for some reason! I did this as well. Anna? I haven't done it.


I'm a foreigner. LAUGHTER


Less than a week after this thing launched, it has more citizens than


Barbados, it is pretty good. Over 400,000 people signed up. One thing


in space this week they have tikanaughts. I saw a great video of


the launch they did and the Chinese do something fantastic just on the


count of two before they go up. I'm going to show you a video and this


is of the astronauts as they are sitting inside with a five countdown


going on within the shuttle. Here we go. It is, four, three, hello!


LAUGHTER Just a little salute. Keep your


hands on the wheels at two! Sadly, it is like no hands!


So they're going up to the Chinese space station. They are going to


have another space station, it will be ten times better because it is


newer. There will have a robotic grappling arm, but the Pentagon have


voiced concerns that China maybe testing these technologies so they


might reach out and touch another country's satellite!


LAUGHTER Space pervert!


You would expect such a thing from the Trump administration. Just grab


them by the satellite! OK, we need to move on to our final


fact of the show and that is Anna. My fact, there is a four meter wide


hole in Sir David Attenborough's bottom! It must be lovely having a


series. Thank you for watching. This is the news this week that the RRS,


Sir David Attenborough which is the ship better known as Boaty Mc Boat


Face it has a four meter wide hole in the bottom. It will be a research


ship that will go to the Poles, the Arctic and Antarctic and do research


there over the next few years and they have built it a wet porch...


That sounds disgusting! I didn't want to say David Attenborough has a


wet porch! I don't know why! So this is a hole that runs from the


deck right to the bottom of the ship and it means that you can conduct


experiments more easily so if you need to drop equipment into the


water it is a steadier environment in which to do it rather than


dropping it over the sides because the water will be calmer and because


it will be ploughing through ice, a lot, it will be able to cut through


one meter thick ice, you can drop equipment in because all around the


boat will be ice. It has a huge hole in the bottom of the boat. That's


very cool. It is the big news this week that David Attenborough went


down to see the ship being fitted with its keel and they do an


interesting thing with the coin. They press a coin into the bottom of


it. So the coin they put in was a newly be minted coin from the


British Antarctic area. They are minted to be used in the Antarctic!


I'm not really sure what people can buy there because they are not legal


tender in the UK either. They can only be used there. Not only that,


it is part of the Antarctic which we claim, but no one else in the world


believes that we own! LAUGHTER


Well, I think when they see this, they'll change their mind! So we


should say that Boaty Mc Face has a role to play, quite an important


role and David Attenborough was sweet on the Today programme, Boaty


Mc Boat Face is the little submarine that they are going to allow to


descend, but it is very Independent. It can go 6,000 meters down below


sea level to explore the sea and it will be able to remain at sea for


many months at a time and we have got a picture of the sign that was


at the opening ceremony. So they are trying to get people to take it more


seriously and that was the sign they put up of Boaty Mc Boat Face. They


invited David Attenborough, I wonder if they invited the man who


suggested Boaty Mc Boat Face. I found him on Twitter and he was


invited. So that's really nice, but he said he was too busy! I think he


kind of regretted it instantly because so much flak came towards


him even in his bio he suggests regret because his bio line reads,


"The reason we can't have nice things, hashtag boaty McBoat face."


A really cool thing about the people who are building this boat. They are


called Cammell Laird. They are a famous boat building company. They


invented the mechanism on the London Underground that doesn't crush you


as you try to walk through the doorsment they had a contract to


build London Underground trains in the 1920s and they came up with


recycling doors which if they touched anything they'd re-open so


they wouldn't crush you and it was a complete disaster at first! Fingers


everywhere! No, they longed for the injuries of the past because what


was happening, I read this in a book called London Underground electric


train and passengers discovered its major weakness, they could use it to


wait for late comers especially if the late comer happened to be an


attractive lady. It caused massive delays. So people would just stand


there and wait for an attractive lady. We're going to have to wrap up


soon. Does anyone have anything before we do? Just one more thing


about that vote. So David Attenborough came fourth in that


vote, but they went for it anyway, but that's not what it is called, it


is called Sir David Attenborough and Sir David Attenborough came 57th.


Boats and names that beat him were, names that beat that name include I


Like Big Boats Sca and I Can Not Lie. Boats scabbing back Mountain


and I have collected a few of these. Usain Boat. And Ice, Ice Baby and


Clifford The Big Red Boat. That's all of our facts. Just time to share


with you the stories we didn't have time to get to and we'll start with


James. My fact is about this billboard. It has been erected in


Michigan and it is a message for Donald Trump that you can't read


this, but you're scared of it! LAUGHTER


Adam, what Scan a that BBC Breakfast apologised for showing a picture of


an escaped gorilla instead of Nicola Sturgeon. We have got a video of it


here. Coming up in the programme, we're going to be joined by Scottish


First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon. We'll talk to her about plans for a


second referendum on independence. LAUGHTER


Andy, what have you got? The Vladimir Putin calendar 2017 has


been published and it shows him respectively in a tree!


LAUGHTER In a wetsuit!


With a kitten. And getting into a combine harvester!


APPLAUSE OK, that's it. That's all from me


Annie, James and Anna will be back next week. We have been No Such


Thing As The News. Goodbye. Dan has escaped from a zoo. No Such


Thing As The News will be back next week at the same time. Bye-bye. Good


night. It says here that you're taking over


as the new host of QI. Oh, for goodness' sake!


Celebrity tittle-tattle.


Current affairs made interesting and funny by some cheerful people. A welcome tonic! With James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.

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