Episode 3 No Such Thing as the News


Episode 3

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This programme contains some strong language.

:00:00.:00:00.

Another broom has been mysteriously snapped in half

:00:07.:00:08.

An escaped emu has been recaptured at an Irish

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pub in Cape Canaveral, Florida.

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Airport security police on the Greek island of Paphos have

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And Headline of the Week from the Vancouver Daily Hive:

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Man Breaks Into Vancouver Home, Strips Naked, Makes Eggs.

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Which can mean only one thing. No Such Thing As The News

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to another episode

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of No Such Thing As The News coming to you from up the creek in London.

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I'm sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski, James

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Harkin and this week we will be presenting to you the most

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interesting stories we found in the news over the last seven days, and

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in no particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Anna Ptaszynski.

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This week the Belgian foreign minister's Twitter account tweeted

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This is what they call you U-turn in diplomacy! This is the Foreign

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Minister and the story that Belgium has stepped all over a trade deal

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Canada was trying to draw up with the EU. Somebody hacked into the

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minister's Twitter account and tweeted this message. Not for a

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well-informed politically. The Twitter account was down for three

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hours. Were there any consequences? A war! Wouldn't it be amazing if

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Belgium and Canada started... It is will only that started the trade

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deal. I have to apologise, I hadn't heard of them. Well, I have to say,

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lock new! 35 billion Canadians, say there are 250 people in this room,

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if we all decided we wanted to go out for waffles but 1.5 people said

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no, and then none of us got any waffles... It is pretty much that. I

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have been looking into it a bit and it turns out there is one cow for

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every three people there, and the average weight of a cow and the

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Belgian... It turns out that for every three Belgians, 218.5 kg,

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there are 28 kilograms of cow, so the biomass is only 75% of cow. The

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biggest city there was voted the ugliest city in the world recently.

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Locals have taken advantage of this by offering an urban safari, which

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takes in Belgium's most depressing street, the home of a serial killer,

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a trip to an abandoned metal factory and the chance to climb a waste coal

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pile. Good, isn't it? So this whole spat thing is in gas territory and

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there was another thing this week that happened in French politics.

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The common question, how much is a pint of milk? To see how in touch

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politicians are with people. The French equivalent is how much is a

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pain au chocolat. A minister were -- was asked that this week and he said

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10 euros cents. It is the equivalent of saying a pint of milk costs 4p.

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One of the press officers at Ukip used to answer the phone saying,

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what have we done now? So... In the programme, he said this sentence,

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the fact is, I'm not a politician. So he is running for the leadership

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over the last week... And Donald Trump keeps saying, I'm not a

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politician. So we keep hearing the same sentence. The Governor of New

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York also said, my father was not a politician, I'm not a politician. He

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is the Governor of New York. A position his dad held! Back in the

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1980s! Nobody seems to be admitting to being a politician these days! It

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would be great if a politician turned up and started fixing

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something else. 200 quid! I'm not a doctor! I really like this one from

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a few weeks ago. It was when the iPhone macro 7 came out in China and

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the slogan is, this is seven. An inspirational slogan, I think you

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will agree! Seven is pronounced "Sacked" in Cantonese. -- sat. Well

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done, you! Grew up in Hong Kong! Seven is also slang for penis in

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Cantonese, so the slogan translated as "This is a penis"! And earlier

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this year... They should have learned because Samsung, when they

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released their Galaxy Note 7, which has had enough problems, the slogan

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translated as a stick of penis! And people are going, locking hell, my

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penis is on fire! We will have to move on. This is from a critic in

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the New York Times and he was reviewing the first two episodes of

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the series Goliath. He said it had a weird split personality and the

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first episode leaves so much unanswered and then it jumps all the

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way back and gives a history of the case, and when the second one ends,

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it hasn't caught up to where it started. The next day they issued a

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correction saying, the critic watched the first two episodes in

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the wrong order! That is so good! We need to move on. It is time for fact

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two. It is my fact. This is a snail and its genitals are

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the wrong way round. Scientists are looking for a partner for Jeremy

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because he is a one in a million left-handed snail and he cannot mate

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with right-handed snails. One thing I notice is that they don't seem to

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have hands! From this picture. LAUGHTER

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What they mean is the direction that the shell spirals. Yes. It either

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grows clockwise or anticlockwise, so anticlockwise snails cannot mate

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with a snail whose genitals have grown in a clockwise direction. I

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was just going to say that! There is serious science behind this and

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there are huge implications. This is a similar thing to what can happen

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in humans where all your organs are on the other side, and if you are

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conscious and they try to find your heart on the wrong side, it is a

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real problem. In weekly Iglesias has it. Normally it is OK but it can be

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other problems associated with it so they are going to try to mate two

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lefty snails because they might have the same genes as humans and that

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might give us an idea of how to deal with this in humans. And are they

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looking for a mate for end weekly Iglesias? So, just very quickly, I

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want to say we actually have a celebrity in the audience tonight.

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Is it Iglesias? Even better! Jeremy Ball snail is with us tonight. He

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might be sat right next to you. -- Jeromy the snail. Angus, who did the

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study, is here, and Jeromy is sitting right here. My God! He's

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handling him! He is going, put me down! Thank you for being here.

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Thank you for bringing Jeromy. We're not allowed to touch him because

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insurers why's he is priceless! His shell has just come off. Oh, no,

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that's two snails... I was like, there goes the series! Ah! Jeromy is

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on the right and Theresa is on the left. You have had this calling out

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for a mate to be found for Jeromy for about a week. Anyone sending

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anything in? Nothing so far... What should people do if they find a

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left-handed snail? To send me a photo. He will be very, very slowly

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swiping left! I was looking into how we could get him laid! Because I

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don't know much about snail sex. But I was hungry to know more! What I

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discovered is they do amazing things. They will caught each other

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and then the male snail will shoot a dart from its body, it is called a

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love dart and is a picture here, and that gets lobbed into the female and

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that can impregnate her. It's hard to tell how big that is.

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Proportionately, James, you can only... Come on, guys, this is

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locker room talk! Sorry, Angus has just put Jeromy in his pocket! You

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put to reason aim in? Yes. You wouldn't treat him like that! Snails

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shove their faces up against each other. They both end up impregnated,

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which is also quite nice. It is a very gender equal society, partly

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because they are all hermaphrodites. So everybody goes away pregnant. An

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interesting point to add and how important he is to scientists who

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are studying him. If they don't find a mate for him soon, they will put

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him into hibernation... Like Austin Powers? Exactly! Yes! But he will

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come back and not understanding any of the cultural norms. He will be

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like, why am I called Jeromy? It will be like a cryogenic chamber

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where he is frozen... They just pop them in a fridge. We need to move on

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very shortly. Do you guys have anything? Every year there is a

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world snail racing championship in Norfolk and they put them on a

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window at 45 degrees and make them go up and then they tie a bit of

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Lego to them for weight resistance! That is how they train them. There

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was a report on this year's competition and the defending

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champion George had died a day before the competition and his owner

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said, he died yesterday. We left my mum and dad looking after George

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when we went on holiday. When we came back, he was dead. I don't

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blame mum and dad. Not really! I need to move us on. Angus and Jeromy

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have a train to get back to Nottingham, so, ladies and

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gentlemen, Angus and Jeromy! We are halfway through the show, and

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it is time to look at the stories you sent us by e-mail and social

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media, starting with Andy. The fact is that the German city of Ulm is

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desperate to stop men year and eating on its church because they

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are eroding the sandstone base. James Watt have you got? Nicola on

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Twitter says that Bristol Zoo's psychic raccoon has predict the

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winner of the Great British Bake Off. Rocky the raccoon went against

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what the bookies say, and he said Candice would win. At early in the

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summer, he predict -- correctly predicted the winner of the European

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Championships. This is about how Donald Trump has a record of filing

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lawsuits to punish and silence his critics, and that is the fact that a

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amity of media lawyers at the American bar Association has

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commissioned a report on his litigation history.

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Time to move on our third fact of the show: If you have $7,500 to

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spend and you want to attack a country, it you can buy cyber army

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of fridges, or a single Tornado jet fighter for eight minutes. Explained

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fridges? This week, the Internet went down for a lot of sites, they

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were taken down by an army of digital video recorders and CCTV

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cameras and also fridges and loads of things that were attached to the

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Internet that you wouldn't think would be able to do this kind of

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thing. What has happened is there was a virus on the Internet which

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got into all of these objects and sent a massive amount of traffic to

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a certain website and it just took down all of the Internet, and if you

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go online, you can buy a load of these pop for 7500 owners -- bots.

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Tabak two, distributed denial of service, is where you fire a load of

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information into a website, and it destroys it, eat it is kind of like

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when everyone is trying to get Glastonbury tickets. The record was

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set for the most questions to take down a site, and it was a terabyte

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of information every second. So imagine you were watching question

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Time, 16 billion questions being asked every second. Can you imagine

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David Dimbleby trying to shush 16 billion people? I went to the site

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where they tell you about buying the bots, and you can get 50,004 $4600.

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Did you decide to take down the Mock the week website? Hewlett Packard

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looked at this, the security is ropey these smart apps, things like

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cat flaps that text you when your cat comes in, smart toothbrushes,

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but the passwords are all built on automatically, and they are really

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easy to get into, so you can then get this army of fridges and

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toothbrushes and cat flap. Your fridge can attack your phone. And so

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Hewlett Packard found that 60% of these Internet devices are

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vulnerable in some way. A couple of guys recently had a big Las Vegas

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conference on hacking. They showed that you could use someone's

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thermostat, so they could lock onto 99 degrees in the only way you could

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unlock it was to pay them $300 in bitcoin, so you could be held to

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ransom to buy your own thermostat. Would you like to see an early

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Internet of things? This is a technology guy, so that the toaster

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treats you. This is an early example of household objects with Internet

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connectivity, but at the moment, Mark Durkan Berg is trying to train

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his toaster to work out when he will want toast. So rather than just put

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the toast in the toaster like the rest of us, he says the real

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question, the challenging problem is when to make me toast, so he built

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this whole thing which figures out where he is, when is the right time

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to make toast, and call me. I wonder if mark Zuckerberg's career is going

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as well as it used to! There is another cool artificial

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intelligence thing, a Donald Trump website, a chat bot which is

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learning from Donald Trump how to get along with people. It writes

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these incredible sentences, which actually don't sound very far from

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him: I want to thank the volunteers. They

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have been unbelievable. They worked endlessly. They don't want to die.

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My plan for the GDP is number one, believe me, but Isis wants to kill

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us over our trade deals. It has got the idea! My favourite Arnold Trump

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Internet find of the week. He has been suggesting he might not accept

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the presidential election vote when it finally comes out, and a lot of

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people have been suggesting that he has in the back rant that if he does

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lose, he will launch Trump TV, a big new channel he will launch, so

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everyone has been trying to sniff around to see if there is any truth

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to Trump TV, so everyone heads to Trump dot TV, the obvious domain

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name, but if you go there, you are met by this.

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He wasn't even organised to purchase this domain at public auction, and

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he wants to run the USA! Isn't that wonderful?

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We are going to move on now to our final fact of the show, and that is:

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Three quarters of people in this room are criminals.

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We got you! We have got the place surrounded. This is a new poll by

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your YouGov which says that 74% of people have done at least one of

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these things: Paying someone cash in hand even though you think they

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probably won't pay tax on it. Illegally streaming TV show. Telling

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people your food order is to take away and then eating it in. But

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don't you live in constant fear that the waiter will come over and say

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you order the takeaway, go away. I feel like James Bond every time!

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Some people have taken a plastic bag at a supermarket without paying for

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it, some have taken a piece of loose fruit or pick and mix without

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paying. It could be 74% of people are criminals, or 26% are liars!

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What are the consequences of... Admitting to what you just openly

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admitted to an television? Sevilla! Does it accumulate to being a bigger

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crime if you did it lots? Yes, they would get you. One of the things is

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that putting stuff through a self-service scanner as something

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else. So you scan something cheap and put in the vodka or whatever.

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Yes, and in 2013, a community worker was given community service for

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scanning loose groceries and putting them through as onions. It is weird,

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he buys lots but his breath smells fine! He finally got caught where he

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went to one shop and put everything through as loose onions, and they

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didn't sell loose onions. Did you see the person recently who got

:24:17.:24:21.

caught shoplifting by someone on Google Street view? This was earlier

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this month, and there was an IT worker called Peter Darby who was

:24:29.:24:33.

browsing Google Street view, and we have the picture. This is what he

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saw when he was browsing, and then he wandered down the street, as you

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do, and he saw this next picture, and then this next one, and when he

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saw her running further and further away, and she didn't get caught,

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which implies it was a half-hearted attempt by that guy, and he called

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the police and reported it. She was caught and prosecuted for stealing

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?60 worth of... Onions! Loose onions. So, this was based on a

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YouGov server, wasn't it? And I was looking at surveys that have been

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done, and a few of them I really liked, one is that most people think

:25:24.:25:28.

that none of 2016's Turner prize entries are actually art, and the

:25:29.:25:34.

most Brexit of the supermarkets is Iceland. It is a very particular

:25:35.:25:42.

branch of Iceland, isn't it? They realise that of all the

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supermarkets, if you vote Brexit, you're more likely to go to Iceland,

:25:46.:25:49.

and they also that against where people mostly vote, and they found

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the particular one in Boston in Lincolnshire. That is it. That is

:25:53.:25:58.

the most Brexit supermarket in Britain. I have one more survey

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about what British people do. This was a survey by Enterprise

:26:04.:26:07.

Rent-A-Car which said that 15% of people admitted they had eaten a

:26:08.:26:12.

meal behind the wheel of a car, a moving car, and 4% said they got

:26:13.:26:16.

amorous while cruising along in the car. But in France, 46% of drivers

:26:17.:26:22.

said they ate behind the wheel of a car, and five times more Spanish

:26:23.:26:24.

people than British people were getting amorous. Moving car? Moving

:26:25.:26:32.

car. The car move for you? We need to wrap up shortly. You have

:26:33.:26:37.

nothing before we do? If you want to keep the law, a recycling company

:26:38.:26:41.

did do a survey of things you can use instead of buying a plastic bag

:26:42.:26:45.

at the supermarket, and the interviewed people who gave their

:26:46.:26:48.

suggestions of what you can use instead, so here are a few. A pair

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of trousers tied up at the ankles. They were in the back of the car,

:26:54.:26:57.

they saved me 20p on bags, and hardly anybody laughed at me.

:26:58.:27:01.

Dog poo bag. I always have a few in my pocket, and they hold more than

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you expect. Your children's arms. I have got

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four, and they have two good are the beach. They are not keen on the

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frozen stuff. That's it, that's all of our fact! Just time for us to

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share with you some of the stories that we didn't have time to get to

:27:30.:27:32.

during our show, and we will start with James. After seven months of

:27:33.:27:38.

travel, the European Space Agency's Mars Lander crashed into the surface

:27:39.:27:43.

of Mars at over 300 kilometres per hour, exploding an impact. The ESA

:27:44.:27:51.

have declared the mission a success. Anna? This is from the Independent,

:27:52.:27:58.

and this is that this week, during a debate in Kurdistan's Parliament, it

:27:59.:28:05.

emerged that nobly in the country knows where the Constitution is.

:28:06.:28:12.

This is from the Palm Beach Post, and it is but a drunken Wisconsin

:28:13.:28:17.

woman has been freed on bail after using peanut butter to smear 30 cars

:28:18.:28:24.

with obscene graffiti and phallic symbols at a conservation group

:28:25.:28:27.

meeting she mistook for a Donald Trump rally.

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APPLAUSE OK, that's all from me, Andy, James

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and Anna. We will be back again next week. We

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have been No Such Thing As The News, goodbye!

:28:45.:28:53.

And if you are a left-handed mollusc looking for love, please contact Dan

:28:54.:29:00.

Schreiber by snail mail. Good night! Bye-bye.

:29:01.:29:03.

It's the news as you've never seen it before - a fascinating, funny look at the last seven days from the team behind QI. With James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.


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