Episode 3 No Such Thing as the News

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This programme contains some strong language.


Another broom has been mysteriously snapped in half


An escaped emu has been recaptured at an Irish


pub in Cape Canaveral, Florida.


Airport security police on the Greek island of Paphos have


And Headline of the Week from the Vancouver Daily Hive:


Man Breaks Into Vancouver Home, Strips Naked, Makes Eggs.


Which can mean only one thing. No Such Thing As The News


CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to another episode


of No Such Thing As The News coming to you from up the creek in London.


I'm sitting here with Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski, James


Harkin and this week we will be presenting to you the most


interesting stories we found in the news over the last seven days, and


in no particular order, here we go. Starting with you, Anna Ptaszynski.


This week the Belgian foreign minister's Twitter account tweeted


This is what they call you U-turn in diplomacy! This is the Foreign


Minister and the story that Belgium has stepped all over a trade deal


Canada was trying to draw up with the EU. Somebody hacked into the


minister's Twitter account and tweeted this message. Not for a


well-informed politically. The Twitter account was down for three


hours. Were there any consequences? A war! Wouldn't it be amazing if


Belgium and Canada started... It is will only that started the trade


deal. I have to apologise, I hadn't heard of them. Well, I have to say,


lock new! 35 billion Canadians, say there are 250 people in this room,


if we all decided we wanted to go out for waffles but 1.5 people said


no, and then none of us got any waffles... It is pretty much that. I


have been looking into it a bit and it turns out there is one cow for


every three people there, and the average weight of a cow and the


Belgian... It turns out that for every three Belgians, 218.5 kg,


there are 28 kilograms of cow, so the biomass is only 75% of cow. The


biggest city there was voted the ugliest city in the world recently.


Locals have taken advantage of this by offering an urban safari, which


takes in Belgium's most depressing street, the home of a serial killer,


a trip to an abandoned metal factory and the chance to climb a waste coal


pile. Good, isn't it? So this whole spat thing is in gas territory and


there was another thing this week that happened in French politics.


The common question, how much is a pint of milk? To see how in touch


politicians are with people. The French equivalent is how much is a


pain au chocolat. A minister were -- was asked that this week and he said


10 euros cents. It is the equivalent of saying a pint of milk costs 4p.


One of the press officers at Ukip used to answer the phone saying,


what have we done now? So... In the programme, he said this sentence,


the fact is, I'm not a politician. So he is running for the leadership


over the last week... And Donald Trump keeps saying, I'm not a


politician. So we keep hearing the same sentence. The Governor of New


York also said, my father was not a politician, I'm not a politician. He


is the Governor of New York. A position his dad held! Back in the


1980s! Nobody seems to be admitting to being a politician these days! It


would be great if a politician turned up and started fixing


something else. 200 quid! I'm not a doctor! I really like this one from


a few weeks ago. It was when the iPhone macro 7 came out in China and


the slogan is, this is seven. An inspirational slogan, I think you


will agree! Seven is pronounced "Sacked" in Cantonese. -- sat. Well


done, you! Grew up in Hong Kong! Seven is also slang for penis in


Cantonese, so the slogan translated as "This is a penis"! And earlier


this year... They should have learned because Samsung, when they


released their Galaxy Note 7, which has had enough problems, the slogan


translated as a stick of penis! And people are going, locking hell, my


penis is on fire! We will have to move on. This is from a critic in


the New York Times and he was reviewing the first two episodes of


the series Goliath. He said it had a weird split personality and the


first episode leaves so much unanswered and then it jumps all the


way back and gives a history of the case, and when the second one ends,


it hasn't caught up to where it started. The next day they issued a


correction saying, the critic watched the first two episodes in


the wrong order! That is so good! We need to move on. It is time for fact


two. It is my fact. This is a snail and its genitals are


the wrong way round. Scientists are looking for a partner for Jeremy


because he is a one in a million left-handed snail and he cannot mate


with right-handed snails. One thing I notice is that they don't seem to


have hands! From this picture. LAUGHTER


What they mean is the direction that the shell spirals. Yes. It either


grows clockwise or anticlockwise, so anticlockwise snails cannot mate


with a snail whose genitals have grown in a clockwise direction. I


was just going to say that! There is serious science behind this and


there are huge implications. This is a similar thing to what can happen


in humans where all your organs are on the other side, and if you are


conscious and they try to find your heart on the wrong side, it is a


real problem. In weekly Iglesias has it. Normally it is OK but it can be


other problems associated with it so they are going to try to mate two


lefty snails because they might have the same genes as humans and that


might give us an idea of how to deal with this in humans. And are they


looking for a mate for end weekly Iglesias? So, just very quickly, I


want to say we actually have a celebrity in the audience tonight.


Is it Iglesias? Even better! Jeremy Ball snail is with us tonight. He


might be sat right next to you. -- Jeromy the snail. Angus, who did the


study, is here, and Jeromy is sitting right here. My God! He's


handling him! He is going, put me down! Thank you for being here.


Thank you for bringing Jeromy. We're not allowed to touch him because


insurers why's he is priceless! His shell has just come off. Oh, no,


that's two snails... I was like, there goes the series! Ah! Jeromy is


on the right and Theresa is on the left. You have had this calling out


for a mate to be found for Jeromy for about a week. Anyone sending


anything in? Nothing so far... What should people do if they find a


left-handed snail? To send me a photo. He will be very, very slowly


swiping left! I was looking into how we could get him laid! Because I


don't know much about snail sex. But I was hungry to know more! What I


discovered is they do amazing things. They will caught each other


and then the male snail will shoot a dart from its body, it is called a


love dart and is a picture here, and that gets lobbed into the female and


that can impregnate her. It's hard to tell how big that is.


Proportionately, James, you can only... Come on, guys, this is


locker room talk! Sorry, Angus has just put Jeromy in his pocket! You


put to reason aim in? Yes. You wouldn't treat him like that! Snails


shove their faces up against each other. They both end up impregnated,


which is also quite nice. It is a very gender equal society, partly


because they are all hermaphrodites. So everybody goes away pregnant. An


interesting point to add and how important he is to scientists who


are studying him. If they don't find a mate for him soon, they will put


him into hibernation... Like Austin Powers? Exactly! Yes! But he will


come back and not understanding any of the cultural norms. He will be


like, why am I called Jeromy? It will be like a cryogenic chamber


where he is frozen... They just pop them in a fridge. We need to move on


very shortly. Do you guys have anything? Every year there is a


world snail racing championship in Norfolk and they put them on a


window at 45 degrees and make them go up and then they tie a bit of


Lego to them for weight resistance! That is how they train them. There


was a report on this year's competition and the defending


champion George had died a day before the competition and his owner


said, he died yesterday. We left my mum and dad looking after George


when we went on holiday. When we came back, he was dead. I don't


blame mum and dad. Not really! I need to move us on. Angus and Jeromy


have a train to get back to Nottingham, so, ladies and


gentlemen, Angus and Jeromy! We are halfway through the show, and


it is time to look at the stories you sent us by e-mail and social


media, starting with Andy. The fact is that the German city of Ulm is


desperate to stop men year and eating on its church because they


are eroding the sandstone base. James Watt have you got? Nicola on


Twitter says that Bristol Zoo's psychic raccoon has predict the


winner of the Great British Bake Off. Rocky the raccoon went against


what the bookies say, and he said Candice would win. At early in the


summer, he predict -- correctly predicted the winner of the European


Championships. This is about how Donald Trump has a record of filing


lawsuits to punish and silence his critics, and that is the fact that a


amity of media lawyers at the American bar Association has


commissioned a report on his litigation history.


Time to move on our third fact of the show: If you have $7,500 to


spend and you want to attack a country, it you can buy cyber army


of fridges, or a single Tornado jet fighter for eight minutes. Explained


fridges? This week, the Internet went down for a lot of sites, they


were taken down by an army of digital video recorders and CCTV


cameras and also fridges and loads of things that were attached to the


Internet that you wouldn't think would be able to do this kind of


thing. What has happened is there was a virus on the Internet which


got into all of these objects and sent a massive amount of traffic to


a certain website and it just took down all of the Internet, and if you


go online, you can buy a load of these pop for 7500 owners -- bots.


Tabak two, distributed denial of service, is where you fire a load of


information into a website, and it destroys it, eat it is kind of like


when everyone is trying to get Glastonbury tickets. The record was


set for the most questions to take down a site, and it was a terabyte


of information every second. So imagine you were watching question


Time, 16 billion questions being asked every second. Can you imagine


David Dimbleby trying to shush 16 billion people? I went to the site


where they tell you about buying the bots, and you can get 50,004 $4600.


Did you decide to take down the Mock the week website? Hewlett Packard


looked at this, the security is ropey these smart apps, things like


cat flaps that text you when your cat comes in, smart toothbrushes,


but the passwords are all built on automatically, and they are really


easy to get into, so you can then get this army of fridges and


toothbrushes and cat flap. Your fridge can attack your phone. And so


Hewlett Packard found that 60% of these Internet devices are


vulnerable in some way. A couple of guys recently had a big Las Vegas


conference on hacking. They showed that you could use someone's


thermostat, so they could lock onto 99 degrees in the only way you could


unlock it was to pay them $300 in bitcoin, so you could be held to


ransom to buy your own thermostat. Would you like to see an early


Internet of things? This is a technology guy, so that the toaster


treats you. This is an early example of household objects with Internet


connectivity, but at the moment, Mark Durkan Berg is trying to train


his toaster to work out when he will want toast. So rather than just put


the toast in the toaster like the rest of us, he says the real


question, the challenging problem is when to make me toast, so he built


this whole thing which figures out where he is, when is the right time


to make toast, and call me. I wonder if mark Zuckerberg's career is going


as well as it used to! There is another cool artificial


intelligence thing, a Donald Trump website, a chat bot which is


learning from Donald Trump how to get along with people. It writes


these incredible sentences, which actually don't sound very far from


him: I want to thank the volunteers. They


have been unbelievable. They worked endlessly. They don't want to die.


My plan for the GDP is number one, believe me, but Isis wants to kill


us over our trade deals. It has got the idea! My favourite Arnold Trump


Internet find of the week. He has been suggesting he might not accept


the presidential election vote when it finally comes out, and a lot of


people have been suggesting that he has in the back rant that if he does


lose, he will launch Trump TV, a big new channel he will launch, so


everyone has been trying to sniff around to see if there is any truth


to Trump TV, so everyone heads to Trump dot TV, the obvious domain


name, but if you go there, you are met by this.


He wasn't even organised to purchase this domain at public auction, and


he wants to run the USA! Isn't that wonderful?


We are going to move on now to our final fact of the show, and that is:


Three quarters of people in this room are criminals.


We got you! We have got the place surrounded. This is a new poll by


your YouGov which says that 74% of people have done at least one of


these things: Paying someone cash in hand even though you think they


probably won't pay tax on it. Illegally streaming TV show. Telling


people your food order is to take away and then eating it in. But


don't you live in constant fear that the waiter will come over and say


you order the takeaway, go away. I feel like James Bond every time!


Some people have taken a plastic bag at a supermarket without paying for


it, some have taken a piece of loose fruit or pick and mix without


paying. It could be 74% of people are criminals, or 26% are liars!


What are the consequences of... Admitting to what you just openly


admitted to an television? Sevilla! Does it accumulate to being a bigger


crime if you did it lots? Yes, they would get you. One of the things is


that putting stuff through a self-service scanner as something


else. So you scan something cheap and put in the vodka or whatever.


Yes, and in 2013, a community worker was given community service for


scanning loose groceries and putting them through as onions. It is weird,


he buys lots but his breath smells fine! He finally got caught where he


went to one shop and put everything through as loose onions, and they


didn't sell loose onions. Did you see the person recently who got


caught shoplifting by someone on Google Street view? This was earlier


this month, and there was an IT worker called Peter Darby who was


browsing Google Street view, and we have the picture. This is what he


saw when he was browsing, and then he wandered down the street, as you


do, and he saw this next picture, and then this next one, and when he


saw her running further and further away, and she didn't get caught,


which implies it was a half-hearted attempt by that guy, and he called


the police and reported it. She was caught and prosecuted for stealing


?60 worth of... Onions! Loose onions. So, this was based on a


YouGov server, wasn't it? And I was looking at surveys that have been


done, and a few of them I really liked, one is that most people think


that none of 2016's Turner prize entries are actually art, and the


most Brexit of the supermarkets is Iceland. It is a very particular


branch of Iceland, isn't it? They realise that of all the


supermarkets, if you vote Brexit, you're more likely to go to Iceland,


and they also that against where people mostly vote, and they found


the particular one in Boston in Lincolnshire. That is it. That is


the most Brexit supermarket in Britain. I have one more survey


about what British people do. This was a survey by Enterprise


Rent-A-Car which said that 15% of people admitted they had eaten a


meal behind the wheel of a car, a moving car, and 4% said they got


amorous while cruising along in the car. But in France, 46% of drivers


said they ate behind the wheel of a car, and five times more Spanish


people than British people were getting amorous. Moving car? Moving


car. The car move for you? We need to wrap up shortly. You have


nothing before we do? If you want to keep the law, a recycling company


did do a survey of things you can use instead of buying a plastic bag


at the supermarket, and the interviewed people who gave their


suggestions of what you can use instead, so here are a few. A pair


of trousers tied up at the ankles. They were in the back of the car,


they saved me 20p on bags, and hardly anybody laughed at me.


Dog poo bag. I always have a few in my pocket, and they hold more than


you expect. Your children's arms. I have got


four, and they have two good are the beach. They are not keen on the


frozen stuff. That's it, that's all of our fact! Just time for us to


share with you some of the stories that we didn't have time to get to


during our show, and we will start with James. After seven months of


travel, the European Space Agency's Mars Lander crashed into the surface


of Mars at over 300 kilometres per hour, exploding an impact. The ESA


have declared the mission a success. Anna? This is from the Independent,


and this is that this week, during a debate in Kurdistan's Parliament, it


emerged that nobly in the country knows where the Constitution is.


This is from the Palm Beach Post, and it is but a drunken Wisconsin


woman has been freed on bail after using peanut butter to smear 30 cars


with obscene graffiti and phallic symbols at a conservation group


meeting she mistook for a Donald Trump rally.


APPLAUSE OK, that's all from me, Andy, James


and Anna. We will be back again next week. We


have been No Such Thing As The News, goodbye!


And if you are a left-handed mollusc looking for love, please contact Dan


Schreiber by snail mail. Good night! Bye-bye.


It's the news as you've never seen it before - a fascinating, funny look at the last seven days from the team behind QI. With James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.

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