Episode 4 No Such Thing as the News


Episode 4

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The Civic Hall in current fourth Lancashire is to get a new vacuum

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cleaner. A man in Ohio has been jailed for public indecency after

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having sex with a van. A wrapper in New Orleans has cancelled his

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appearance at a music festival due to an unforeseen incarceration. Andy

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Mitchell can woman has been arrested for choosing a husband around the

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kitchen with a pair of scissors in a disagreement over a potato.

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Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The News. Coming

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to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London. My name is Dan

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Schreiber and I am sitting here with ten CNET, Anna Hunter-Reay and James

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Harden. -- Anna Ptaszynski. Once again, we will be presenting to you

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only the most interesting stories that we have found in the news over

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the last seven days and in no particular order, here we go.

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Starting with James Harden. My factor this week is that sales of

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Halloween masks have rightly predicted the winner of the US

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election every year since 1980. This year, Donald Trump masks are

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outselling Hillary masks by 10%. Whoever sells more masks wins? That

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is what has happened. So shouldn't Hillary's team just be out there

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buying masks? If that is the official way. It is not a causation

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thing. The thing about them is that most of these masks are made in

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China and we have a picture of one of them being made. Especially as

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Trump wants to stop all imports from China... One interesting thing about

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that, if you look at the colour of those masks, there is a website that

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invited a lady called Laurie Pressman, the vice president of And

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told to look at pictures of Donald Trump and see what colour he was.

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Apparently he goes from things like burnt orange, desert sun, golden

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orange, Autumn blaze, orange rust... Nuclear winter? But overall, it is a

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called flamer. And that is what that looks like. That is his face. That

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is very cool. I know that if you were dressing up as Donald Trump

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this Halloween, there was one option for clothing which is a wig called

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the Donald. And it was invented by a Japanese inventor. Here he is there,

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wearing the weight he has invented. A sickly it is like your regular

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low-end wig, it is quite normal, quite cheap but it contains chunks

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of iron inside, possibly with spikes if you want them, and a coiled

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strap. He invented this for Donald Trump to wear, so that if anyone

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attacked in the could take it off and throw it at the person attacking

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him. And the spikes would attack them, and Emma Coyle would bring it

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back to them. You we go. That is his actual patented. When it hits the

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target, he can bring it back and put it on his head. So you can get masks

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of Hillary and strong but you can also get a mask of Mitt Romney. --

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Hillary and Trump. There is a mask of someone dressed as Mitt Romney.

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That is Mitt Romney dressed as Mitt Romney. This Halloween his family

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decided to go as their alter egos and his is himself. There are few

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other predictors of American elections, weird ones. But the one

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that is possibly the most persuasive is the Olympics one. Whenever the

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Olympics is hosted by a country that has not won the bid to host the over

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mix before, there is a change of office, from Democrats to

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Republicans, and one of the Olympics is hosted by country that has hosted

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before, the incumbent stays in. 13 out of 14 times it has been true.

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This time Brazil hosted the Olympics and they have not posted before so

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according to this reliable method, Trump is winning. The Washington

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Redskins prediction, this is a theory that when the Washington

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Redskins, the American football team, play their final home game, if

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they win, the party currently in the White House will win. And their last

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home game was against Philadelphia Eagles. They won 27-20 so according

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to the theory, the Democrats should stay in. But then the other thing is

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that the Redskins played a game in London this weekend, neutral

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territory, and it was a tie. In normal time and in overtime, and if

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you watch American football that is extremely rare. It seems to me that

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something weird is going to happen. It is going to be a tie. Will they

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have a coalition? Check this out. Western Illinois University has a

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mock election every time that is going to be an election. Since 1975,

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when they have started doing the mock elections, they have had 100%

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accuracy. And so I have done this year's mock election and they have

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concluded that the winner of this presidential election is going to be

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Bernie Sanders. Who will win in a landslide. He beat Hillary in the

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primaries 2-1. He then faces the Republican nominee, Jeb Bush. Who he

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beats at a margin of 4-1. So there we go. There was a recent poll done

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for the link leadership initiative in September and it found out that

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one in five Donald Trump supporters thought that he would start a

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nuclear war during his leadership period. That is his own supporters,

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one in five. 36% of his own supporters said there would be race

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riots, 33% said the government would default on debt and one poster said,

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the polls show that Trump is getting his methods cross because he has --

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getting his message across because he has promised most of this. It was

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a recent poll in Florida where 2% of people who vote for Hillary Clinton

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also say that they believe that she is literally a demon. That is people

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who would like to vote for her. So mad. We will have to move on shortly

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to our next fact. Anyone got anything else? If you turn up to

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vote in one of the Donald Trump masks, it would be an odd thing to

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do, then there is a chance you will not be allowed to vote because it

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counts as electioneering. If you turn up in a Trump T-shirt Olly

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Or -- or a Hillary Clinton T-shirt, they were asking to turn it

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inside out so you do not influence anyone else. I thought it was

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encased Donald Trump had already voted today. You have already been

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here, voter fraud. Our second fact. Time for my fact. The keys to the

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church that contains Jesus's tomb are looked after by a Muslim family

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because the Christians cannot be trusted with them. It is so amazing.

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This is the reason -- the reason that I saw this is that Jesus's tomb

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has been opened for the first time today in 500 years. It sits in this

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church, the church of the holy sepulchre. The church is looked

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after by three denominations but because they do not believe in

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exactly the same things, it takes forever for them to negotiate how to

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make even the simplest of decisions and so they decided to actually open

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the tomb of Jesus over 50 years ago but have spent the last 50-something

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years trying to work out how they should raise the money and they have

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not agreed on anyway. Even as tiny a thing is that they cannot agree

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upon. The reason that there is a Muslim family looking after the

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keys, over 800 years ago they thought, there was no way we will

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give the keys to you guys because you will just bicker over it. We

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will give to this family. And it has been the same family looking after

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its generation after generation, the keys to the most say sacred side in

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Christianity. -- the most sacred. It is like getting the keys to the

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garage. It is the most amazing story. They have been fighting for

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centuries and there are all these examples of these tests that the

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church has. The church is shared by six denominations, the Greek

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Orthodox, Armenian, Ethiopian orthodox and Syrian orthodox. One

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example of a fight that was had, the Ethiopians and the Cox, rather than

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accessing the main church, they have a spot on the roof where they can

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worship. There is an area that is disputed and during prayers in 1970,

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the Coptic monks briefly left the roof top and Ethiopian monks changed

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the locks and claim it for themselves and since then the Coptic

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seven not been able to get back to it. They have erected a chair next

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to it to show they protest the move and there was one incident in 2002

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were a Coptic monk, it was extremely hot and he moved his chair to get

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some shade from the sun, and this was interpreted as an act of

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aggression. There was a massive fight and 11 monks were

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hospitalised. It is mad! It is what Jesus would have wanted. They have a

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thing that is very famously known as the immovable ladder. It is a ladder

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sitting against a windowsill and because none of them can agree with

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Richard go, it has sat there since 1752. -- agree where it should go.

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In 2008 the Armenians had a procession and the Greek Orthodox

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blocked the procession and it turned into a massive scrap. The police

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came in and they got a video of it. These are all priests and monks. I

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have a slow motion that guy coming in, like a WWF wrestler. While. It

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is basically the Ukip party Conference. The fact that they have

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now agreed to refund of the opening of Jesus's tomb, it has given them a

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good feeling about getting on together. It was written not by the

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National Geographic, who had to correspond and observing. There is a

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church and inside there is a little house, you can see that in the

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middle, surrounded by scaffolding. In the middle of that is a cave with

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a tomb in it. And they removed the marble slab of very carefully. This

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is from the writer of what happened. Revealing something expected.

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Another marble slab. I like the story in eternity news... Eternity

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news?! It is a publication by the Bible Society of Australia. Good

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news, no body found in Jesus's tomb. Of course, Jesus was buried but rose

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again and went to heaven so you would expect for there to be no body

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there. And they went there and there was nobody. That is good news,

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right? It is a beautiful find. And they are going to close it for a

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couple of months and nobody will see it for another hundred years. It

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could be thousands of years, they are saying, because they will

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restore it to an extent where they can leave it for millennia. But they

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are astonished, because there is nothing in it. For the sake of

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balance, we should say that, you say the Muslim family look after the

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keys but there are in fact two Muslim families. There are two guys

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who share the responsibilities, and they have tensions between them,

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too. Do they?! They do. There is this guy, Mr Judah and he says he is

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the person who originally got the keys in it 1187. Not him literally.

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He must love Eternity News. One of his distant relations, and

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another man, his job is to unlock the door and the job of Judah is to

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bring the key to him and he unlocks the door and they have these fights,

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he believes his family was the first to hold the key but Judah says that

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is not true, my family is very high up, highly respected, so after

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Saladin gave us the keys, it was clear we were superior and we find

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this inferior family and told them to do the unlocking. They feel

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ashamed of just being doorkeepers. So they have some nice tension

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between them as well! Anything else? Other Jesus news this week. Happy

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news, in Canada, Jesus has been reunited with his head, a statue of

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Mary and baby Jesus in Canada and vandals kept stealing the head of

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Jesus so it was replaced by something sculpted by a local

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artist, it is terracotta... We have a picture. Is that not a Donald

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Trump Halloween mask? She promised she would make a stone version soon

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and within moments of this, somebody rushed back with the original head.

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Back on the statue! Halfway through. Time to look at the stories you have

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sent to us through e-mails and social media. We will start with

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James. Mine came from Dane Stringfellow on Twitter, this week

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at Barnsley supporter took his pet hamster to watch Barnsley play

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Walsall. The RSPCA said it would have been an extremely stressful

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experience. As a Sheffield Wednesday fan! Good football knowledge! Just a

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place and a day. Nottingham Thursday. You got very lucky there!

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What have you got, and I? An e-mail from Joe, the Guardian, a woman in

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Oregon left a note of apology and $30 of petrol money on a car after

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accidentally stealing a car and returning it. The friend she asked

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to collect the car picked up the wrong one. Andy? Clive from CNN, a

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police officer in Phoenix, Arizona has been charged with assault after

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stripping naked, breaking into a YMCA anti-masturbation meeting as

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trying to tackle the mascot, a man dressed as a dolphin, saying he was

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saving it from a nonexistent fire! He told detectives he had been under

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the influence of LSD, cough medicine and antifreeze! It is time for us to

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move on to fax number three. Anna? By fact is that in the elections on

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Saturday in Iceland the second-biggest party fielded a

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candidate who died the previous week. How did he get on? He is the

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President! Sadly, he died on October 18. He is called Jonsteinn

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Haraldsson and it was the wishes of his family that he remains on the

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ballot and he was running for the left Green Party and they came

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second in that area but he will not hold a political position. I don't

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think... The big news was everybody that the Pirate party would do very

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well. They did kind of well. They tripled their seats, in April they

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had 43% support in Iceland, the biggest party and in the end they

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only got 15% and this meant that in Iceland they have a pot of money

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which you can use for campaigning and it is 290 million kroner, about

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?1.6 million, and what they do is they put this to the different

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parties and it depends on polling how much you get and this time the

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Pirates were on 35% so they got 35% of the money. Because they're

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pirates... Well... Be buried at? The campaign could have been X marks the

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spot! Because their antiestablishment and they don't

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really want all of this money, the spokesperson said that we funded the

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last campaign at a flea market so all we need is the money to pay the

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salary of our employees, anything more is too much. I bet they are

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regretting that now! They were formed four years ago after the

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financial crash, not of antiestablishment party is getting

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more popular so from four years ago they have one one seat in six in

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Parliament and that was replicated here that would be equivalent to

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Ukip winning 72 seats in an election but that was founded in 1991 and

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because of our first-past-the-post system it took them 23 years to get

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the first MP so I worked out how long it would take them under our

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system if they go at that rate. At this rate they will not have

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replicated the success of the Pirate party until the year 3647. The man

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who died was from the left Green Party who came second in this

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election and they had one of their political adverts pulled from

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YouTube in this campaign and we can see it's... This is a naked lady

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with horses head. She is yelling and this is the artist. He is telling

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everyone how it is great to have a strong, healthy, creative scene.

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That is a party political broadcast on behalf of the left Green Party!

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That is what that man is saying. It looks like he was apologising! I am

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so sorry about my sister! She is really unwell. We need to move on.

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We should quickly talk about how it was a great collection for women in

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Iceland. They won 30 of the 63 seats. In fact, the World Economic

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Forum released its gender gap a report last week and Iceland top

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date for the seventh year in a row. This is one of my favourite things

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about this country. The top five countries in the world and the

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economic forum tend to be these 5- Iceland, Finland, Norway, Sweden and

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the last one? Denmark? Rwanda. It is so fascinating. More than half of

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its parliamentarians are women, 64%, because after the genocide they were

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a 70% female population and admit women had a chance to take social

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control and quotas were introduced and it led to this equal society and

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at this point it means most of Parliament is populated by women.

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Another thing they did in Iceland last week was all of the women

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walked off their job at 2:38pm on one day. Because you pay inequality

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in Iceland is about 70% so after 70% of the work day they said no, that

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is it. -- 70%. Such a good idea! APPLAUSE

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Right! Echoes back to 1975, known as the women's day off. When 90% of the

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woman working went on strike on that day and all of the men basically had

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to take their kids to work because they had no one to look after them,

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the schools closed and they sold out of sausages... Because... That is

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all they could cook! We will move on to the final fact. And that is

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Andrew. More than one third of men who took the new male contraceptive

:21:34.:21:38.

jab reported increased sex drive and one and 20 reported swelling of the

:21:39.:21:45.

breasts. This is a new study, the new contraceptive for men and you

:21:46.:21:50.

can either get an injection of hormones or you can have this as a

:21:51.:21:55.

gel that you run into your shoulder and it is a huge development in

:21:56.:22:00.

contraception. 96% effective. Which is very good, better than condom is,

:22:01.:22:06.

which are 98% normally but in real life conditions they are 82%. What

:22:07.:22:13.

does that mean? It is where you have put it on first! They have been

:22:14.:22:19.

trialling this and this. This trial because a lot of men reported

:22:20.:22:25.

side-effects. Whereas as we know the male contraceptive pills have no

:22:26.:22:30.

side effects at all! Please don't write in, that is a joke! 38%

:22:31.:22:36.

reported increased libido, which is a strange side-effect, but it is

:22:37.:22:40.

very cool, it works by dramatically lowering the concentration of sperm

:22:41.:22:46.

so it lowered this to 1 million for every millilitre, normal

:22:47.:22:50.

concentrations are between 15 and 300 million sperm cells per

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millilitre. I saw that statistic, I had never seen that before, if some

:22:57.:23:00.

reason you decided to fill a pint glass with Seaman... It would

:23:01.:23:06.

contain more sperm than people on earth. There you go! Very exciting!

:23:07.:23:17.

Never open his fridge! They stopped the study because I think 20 other

:23:18.:23:23.

subjects decided they didn't want to do that any more, 14 stopped because

:23:24.:23:28.

of mood swings. And the other six had acne, pain or panic at the first

:23:29.:23:34.

injection, palpitations, hypertension and erectile

:23:35.:23:38.

dysfunction. But that at least would work as a contraceptive. The one

:23:39.:23:47.

article I read properly was the fact that side-effects were that men were

:23:48.:23:52.

feeling moody and the body feels wrong and the article should have

:23:53.:24:00.

had two words- boo hoo! Tried being a woman for one second! I don't feel

:24:01.:24:06.

so good! And they will potentially stop something that could mean men

:24:07.:24:11.

could be using this very soon. They will carry on with the trials? More

:24:12.:24:20.

men will say, oh, no! Danny, are you taking this thing at the moment?

:24:21.:24:24.

APPLAUSE To be fair, 75% on the trial said

:24:25.:24:28.

they would take this as a contraceptive and that is given that

:24:29.:24:32.

half of them had acne, which is a high proportion of side-effects. And

:24:33.:24:38.

four got pregnant. Very big side-effect. Another big story in

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the news is that Britain's first ever national sperm bank has closed

:24:45.:24:49.

down. Which is a disaster, they only managed to get $7 in the number two

:24:50.:24:53.

years they were running. Which is 3.5 every year. You only get around

:24:54.:25:05.

four or five donating because it is very rigorous, sperm have to survive

:25:06.:25:08.

the freezing and thawing and regained motility. I heard one of

:25:09.:25:12.

the problems was it was in Birmingham. The idea being that

:25:13.:25:21.

people could not be bothered going to Birmingham. There are people in

:25:22.:25:29.

Birmingham. They are rigorous, you need to have good quality sperm and

:25:30.:25:34.

do various things, you cannot have sex for 48 hours before donation and

:25:35.:25:38.

you must donate at least once every week and the sperm have to meet a

:25:39.:25:41.

certain standard, they must be healthy, you must eat the right

:25:42.:25:45.

things, don't drink too much alcohol, get good sleep and where

:25:46.:25:49.

they are going wrong is sperm banks deliberately placed themselves the

:25:50.:25:51.

universities because that is where you get the row of young men. But

:25:52.:26:00.

also that is why you get sperm that are completely useless! -- Viral.

:26:01.:26:05.

Lots of sleep deprived drunks. Pasty sandwiches for the last three years!

:26:06.:26:10.

Another thing hopefully on the market soon is a procedure relating

:26:11.:26:14.

to contraception and this is another male contraceptive, designed by a

:26:15.:26:19.

German carpenter this year. It is not promising!, I know! We have a

:26:20.:26:29.

picture of this valve. It is two little violence and on those tubes

:26:30.:26:37.

you can see those two little ducts transferring sperm and once you turn

:26:38.:26:41.

those off, it is not on either sperm to get past that. It goes back into

:26:42.:26:46.

the testicles. That is the switch. Once you have these inserted, you

:26:47.:26:50.

have this little switch, or and on. Where does that go? You hold it?

:26:51.:26:57.

That is inside your testicles. You must flick the switch in your

:26:58.:27:01.

urethra. You have the switch in your testicles. You decide no kids and

:27:02.:27:08.

you just flick that. It is like a light switch, and you don't know

:27:09.:27:13.

whether it is on or off. Once or twice, I hear. You would need to

:27:14.:27:19.

attach some kind of light on the outside!

:27:20.:27:26.

APPLAUSE OK, that is it, all of our facts,

:27:27.:27:29.

timed race shares some of the stories that we did not have time to

:27:30.:27:33.

get to. We will start with you, James. This is from the Palm Beach

:27:34.:27:39.

Post, a Florida woman was arrested this week for breaking into an

:27:40.:27:42.

apartment and attacking the residents with her pet macaw. Her

:27:43.:27:52.

name was Mary Peck. Anna? This is from The Times, it covered the fact

:27:53.:27:56.

that the Colombian president is visiting our Royal Family and

:27:57.:27:59.

reminded us that when Prince Charles last went to Colombia he was given

:28:00.:28:03.

as a gift several sets of maracas, as some narrow and some books

:28:04.:28:08.

lovingly inscribed to Camilla Parker Bowels. Andy? Study by Glasgow

:28:09.:28:17.

Caledonian University of music choices and desert island discs

:28:18.:28:20.

which reveals that lawyers and vets tend to like heavy metal, nurses and

:28:21.:28:24.

clergy like funk music and entrepreneurs like punk music. Not

:28:25.:28:28.

enough engineers and accountants have been invited onto the show to

:28:29.:28:34.

determine they like! OK, that is all from me, and the team. We will be

:28:35.:28:39.

back next week, we have been No Such Thing as the News. Goodbye!

:28:40.:29:04.

He's a scientist. Brilliant, apparently.

:29:05.:29:05.

But I know things few other people do.

:29:06.:29:24.

I will not work for the British government.

:29:25.:29:26.

No Such Thing As The News is a current events programme you can watch with pleasure rather than anxiety. With James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.


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