Episode 4 No Such Thing as the News

Episode 4

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The Civic Hall in current fourth Lancashire is to get a new vacuum


cleaner. A man in Ohio has been jailed for public indecency after


having sex with a van. A wrapper in New Orleans has cancelled his


appearance at a music festival due to an unforeseen incarceration. Andy


Mitchell can woman has been arrested for choosing a husband around the


kitchen with a pair of scissors in a disagreement over a potato.


Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The News. Coming


to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London. My name is Dan


Schreiber and I am sitting here with ten CNET, Anna Hunter-Reay and James


Harden. -- Anna Ptaszynski. Once again, we will be presenting to you


only the most interesting stories that we have found in the news over


the last seven days and in no particular order, here we go.


Starting with James Harden. My factor this week is that sales of


Halloween masks have rightly predicted the winner of the US


election every year since 1980. This year, Donald Trump masks are


outselling Hillary masks by 10%. Whoever sells more masks wins? That


is what has happened. So shouldn't Hillary's team just be out there


buying masks? If that is the official way. It is not a causation


thing. The thing about them is that most of these masks are made in


China and we have a picture of one of them being made. Especially as


Trump wants to stop all imports from China... One interesting thing about


that, if you look at the colour of those masks, there is a website that


invited a lady called Laurie Pressman, the vice president of And


told to look at pictures of Donald Trump and see what colour he was.


Apparently he goes from things like burnt orange, desert sun, golden


orange, Autumn blaze, orange rust... Nuclear winter? But overall, it is a


called flamer. And that is what that looks like. That is his face. That


is very cool. I know that if you were dressing up as Donald Trump


this Halloween, there was one option for clothing which is a wig called


the Donald. And it was invented by a Japanese inventor. Here he is there,


wearing the weight he has invented. A sickly it is like your regular


low-end wig, it is quite normal, quite cheap but it contains chunks


of iron inside, possibly with spikes if you want them, and a coiled


strap. He invented this for Donald Trump to wear, so that if anyone


attacked in the could take it off and throw it at the person attacking


him. And the spikes would attack them, and Emma Coyle would bring it


back to them. You we go. That is his actual patented. When it hits the


target, he can bring it back and put it on his head. So you can get masks


of Hillary and strong but you can also get a mask of Mitt Romney. --


Hillary and Trump. There is a mask of someone dressed as Mitt Romney.


That is Mitt Romney dressed as Mitt Romney. This Halloween his family


decided to go as their alter egos and his is himself. There are few


other predictors of American elections, weird ones. But the one


that is possibly the most persuasive is the Olympics one. Whenever the


Olympics is hosted by a country that has not won the bid to host the over


mix before, there is a change of office, from Democrats to


Republicans, and one of the Olympics is hosted by country that has hosted


before, the incumbent stays in. 13 out of 14 times it has been true.


This time Brazil hosted the Olympics and they have not posted before so


according to this reliable method, Trump is winning. The Washington


Redskins prediction, this is a theory that when the Washington


Redskins, the American football team, play their final home game, if


they win, the party currently in the White House will win. And their last


home game was against Philadelphia Eagles. They won 27-20 so according


to the theory, the Democrats should stay in. But then the other thing is


that the Redskins played a game in London this weekend, neutral


territory, and it was a tie. In normal time and in overtime, and if


you watch American football that is extremely rare. It seems to me that


something weird is going to happen. It is going to be a tie. Will they


have a coalition? Check this out. Western Illinois University has a


mock election every time that is going to be an election. Since 1975,


when they have started doing the mock elections, they have had 100%


accuracy. And so I have done this year's mock election and they have


concluded that the winner of this presidential election is going to be


Bernie Sanders. Who will win in a landslide. He beat Hillary in the


primaries 2-1. He then faces the Republican nominee, Jeb Bush. Who he


beats at a margin of 4-1. So there we go. There was a recent poll done


for the link leadership initiative in September and it found out that


one in five Donald Trump supporters thought that he would start a


nuclear war during his leadership period. That is his own supporters,


one in five. 36% of his own supporters said there would be race


riots, 33% said the government would default on debt and one poster said,


the polls show that Trump is getting his methods cross because he has --


getting his message across because he has promised most of this. It was


a recent poll in Florida where 2% of people who vote for Hillary Clinton


also say that they believe that she is literally a demon. That is people


who would like to vote for her. So mad. We will have to move on shortly


to our next fact. Anyone got anything else? If you turn up to


vote in one of the Donald Trump masks, it would be an odd thing to


do, then there is a chance you will not be allowed to vote because it


counts as electioneering. If you turn up in a Trump T-shirt Olly


Or -- or a Hillary Clinton T-shirt, they were asking to turn it


inside out so you do not influence anyone else. I thought it was


encased Donald Trump had already voted today. You have already been


here, voter fraud. Our second fact. Time for my fact. The keys to the


church that contains Jesus's tomb are looked after by a Muslim family


because the Christians cannot be trusted with them. It is so amazing.


This is the reason -- the reason that I saw this is that Jesus's tomb


has been opened for the first time today in 500 years. It sits in this


church, the church of the holy sepulchre. The church is looked


after by three denominations but because they do not believe in


exactly the same things, it takes forever for them to negotiate how to


make even the simplest of decisions and so they decided to actually open


the tomb of Jesus over 50 years ago but have spent the last 50-something


years trying to work out how they should raise the money and they have


not agreed on anyway. Even as tiny a thing is that they cannot agree


upon. The reason that there is a Muslim family looking after the


keys, over 800 years ago they thought, there was no way we will


give the keys to you guys because you will just bicker over it. We


will give to this family. And it has been the same family looking after


its generation after generation, the keys to the most say sacred side in


Christianity. -- the most sacred. It is like getting the keys to the


garage. It is the most amazing story. They have been fighting for


centuries and there are all these examples of these tests that the


church has. The church is shared by six denominations, the Greek


Orthodox, Armenian, Ethiopian orthodox and Syrian orthodox. One


example of a fight that was had, the Ethiopians and the Cox, rather than


accessing the main church, they have a spot on the roof where they can


worship. There is an area that is disputed and during prayers in 1970,


the Coptic monks briefly left the roof top and Ethiopian monks changed


the locks and claim it for themselves and since then the Coptic


seven not been able to get back to it. They have erected a chair next


to it to show they protest the move and there was one incident in 2002


were a Coptic monk, it was extremely hot and he moved his chair to get


some shade from the sun, and this was interpreted as an act of


aggression. There was a massive fight and 11 monks were


hospitalised. It is mad! It is what Jesus would have wanted. They have a


thing that is very famously known as the immovable ladder. It is a ladder


sitting against a windowsill and because none of them can agree with


Richard go, it has sat there since 1752. -- agree where it should go.


In 2008 the Armenians had a procession and the Greek Orthodox


blocked the procession and it turned into a massive scrap. The police


came in and they got a video of it. These are all priests and monks. I


have a slow motion that guy coming in, like a WWF wrestler. While. It


is basically the Ukip party Conference. The fact that they have


now agreed to refund of the opening of Jesus's tomb, it has given them a


good feeling about getting on together. It was written not by the


National Geographic, who had to correspond and observing. There is a


church and inside there is a little house, you can see that in the


middle, surrounded by scaffolding. In the middle of that is a cave with


a tomb in it. And they removed the marble slab of very carefully. This


is from the writer of what happened. Revealing something expected.


Another marble slab. I like the story in eternity news... Eternity


news?! It is a publication by the Bible Society of Australia. Good


news, no body found in Jesus's tomb. Of course, Jesus was buried but rose


again and went to heaven so you would expect for there to be no body


there. And they went there and there was nobody. That is good news,


right? It is a beautiful find. And they are going to close it for a


couple of months and nobody will see it for another hundred years. It


could be thousands of years, they are saying, because they will


restore it to an extent where they can leave it for millennia. But they


are astonished, because there is nothing in it. For the sake of


balance, we should say that, you say the Muslim family look after the


keys but there are in fact two Muslim families. There are two guys


who share the responsibilities, and they have tensions between them,


too. Do they?! They do. There is this guy, Mr Judah and he says he is


the person who originally got the keys in it 1187. Not him literally.


He must love Eternity News. One of his distant relations, and


another man, his job is to unlock the door and the job of Judah is to


bring the key to him and he unlocks the door and they have these fights,


he believes his family was the first to hold the key but Judah says that


is not true, my family is very high up, highly respected, so after


Saladin gave us the keys, it was clear we were superior and we find


this inferior family and told them to do the unlocking. They feel


ashamed of just being doorkeepers. So they have some nice tension


between them as well! Anything else? Other Jesus news this week. Happy


news, in Canada, Jesus has been reunited with his head, a statue of


Mary and baby Jesus in Canada and vandals kept stealing the head of


Jesus so it was replaced by something sculpted by a local


artist, it is terracotta... We have a picture. Is that not a Donald


Trump Halloween mask? She promised she would make a stone version soon


and within moments of this, somebody rushed back with the original head.


Back on the statue! Halfway through. Time to look at the stories you have


sent to us through e-mails and social media. We will start with


James. Mine came from Dane Stringfellow on Twitter, this week


at Barnsley supporter took his pet hamster to watch Barnsley play


Walsall. The RSPCA said it would have been an extremely stressful


experience. As a Sheffield Wednesday fan! Good football knowledge! Just a


place and a day. Nottingham Thursday. You got very lucky there!


What have you got, and I? An e-mail from Joe, the Guardian, a woman in


Oregon left a note of apology and $30 of petrol money on a car after


accidentally stealing a car and returning it. The friend she asked


to collect the car picked up the wrong one. Andy? Clive from CNN, a


police officer in Phoenix, Arizona has been charged with assault after


stripping naked, breaking into a YMCA anti-masturbation meeting as


trying to tackle the mascot, a man dressed as a dolphin, saying he was


saving it from a nonexistent fire! He told detectives he had been under


the influence of LSD, cough medicine and antifreeze! It is time for us to


move on to fax number three. Anna? By fact is that in the elections on


Saturday in Iceland the second-biggest party fielded a


candidate who died the previous week. How did he get on? He is the


President! Sadly, he died on October 18. He is called Jonsteinn


Haraldsson and it was the wishes of his family that he remains on the


ballot and he was running for the left Green Party and they came


second in that area but he will not hold a political position. I don't


think... The big news was everybody that the Pirate party would do very


well. They did kind of well. They tripled their seats, in April they


had 43% support in Iceland, the biggest party and in the end they


only got 15% and this meant that in Iceland they have a pot of money


which you can use for campaigning and it is 290 million kroner, about


?1.6 million, and what they do is they put this to the different


parties and it depends on polling how much you get and this time the


Pirates were on 35% so they got 35% of the money. Because they're


pirates... Well... Be buried at? The campaign could have been X marks the


spot! Because their antiestablishment and they don't


really want all of this money, the spokesperson said that we funded the


last campaign at a flea market so all we need is the money to pay the


salary of our employees, anything more is too much. I bet they are


regretting that now! They were formed four years ago after the


financial crash, not of antiestablishment party is getting


more popular so from four years ago they have one one seat in six in


Parliament and that was replicated here that would be equivalent to


Ukip winning 72 seats in an election but that was founded in 1991 and


because of our first-past-the-post system it took them 23 years to get


the first MP so I worked out how long it would take them under our


system if they go at that rate. At this rate they will not have


replicated the success of the Pirate party until the year 3647. The man


who died was from the left Green Party who came second in this


election and they had one of their political adverts pulled from


YouTube in this campaign and we can see it's... This is a naked lady


with horses head. She is yelling and this is the artist. He is telling


everyone how it is great to have a strong, healthy, creative scene.


That is a party political broadcast on behalf of the left Green Party!


That is what that man is saying. It looks like he was apologising! I am


so sorry about my sister! She is really unwell. We need to move on.


We should quickly talk about how it was a great collection for women in


Iceland. They won 30 of the 63 seats. In fact, the World Economic


Forum released its gender gap a report last week and Iceland top


date for the seventh year in a row. This is one of my favourite things


about this country. The top five countries in the world and the


economic forum tend to be these 5- Iceland, Finland, Norway, Sweden and


the last one? Denmark? Rwanda. It is so fascinating. More than half of


its parliamentarians are women, 64%, because after the genocide they were


a 70% female population and admit women had a chance to take social


control and quotas were introduced and it led to this equal society and


at this point it means most of Parliament is populated by women.


Another thing they did in Iceland last week was all of the women


walked off their job at 2:38pm on one day. Because you pay inequality


in Iceland is about 70% so after 70% of the work day they said no, that


is it. -- 70%. Such a good idea! APPLAUSE


Right! Echoes back to 1975, known as the women's day off. When 90% of the


woman working went on strike on that day and all of the men basically had


to take their kids to work because they had no one to look after them,


the schools closed and they sold out of sausages... Because... That is


all they could cook! We will move on to the final fact. And that is


Andrew. More than one third of men who took the new male contraceptive


jab reported increased sex drive and one and 20 reported swelling of the


breasts. This is a new study, the new contraceptive for men and you


can either get an injection of hormones or you can have this as a


gel that you run into your shoulder and it is a huge development in


contraception. 96% effective. Which is very good, better than condom is,


which are 98% normally but in real life conditions they are 82%. What


does that mean? It is where you have put it on first! They have been


trialling this and this. This trial because a lot of men reported


side-effects. Whereas as we know the male contraceptive pills have no


side effects at all! Please don't write in, that is a joke! 38%


reported increased libido, which is a strange side-effect, but it is


very cool, it works by dramatically lowering the concentration of sperm


so it lowered this to 1 million for every millilitre, normal


concentrations are between 15 and 300 million sperm cells per


millilitre. I saw that statistic, I had never seen that before, if some


reason you decided to fill a pint glass with Seaman... It would


contain more sperm than people on earth. There you go! Very exciting!


Never open his fridge! They stopped the study because I think 20 other


subjects decided they didn't want to do that any more, 14 stopped because


of mood swings. And the other six had acne, pain or panic at the first


injection, palpitations, hypertension and erectile


dysfunction. But that at least would work as a contraceptive. The one


article I read properly was the fact that side-effects were that men were


feeling moody and the body feels wrong and the article should have


had two words- boo hoo! Tried being a woman for one second! I don't feel


so good! And they will potentially stop something that could mean men


could be using this very soon. They will carry on with the trials? More


men will say, oh, no! Danny, are you taking this thing at the moment?


APPLAUSE To be fair, 75% on the trial said


they would take this as a contraceptive and that is given that


half of them had acne, which is a high proportion of side-effects. And


four got pregnant. Very big side-effect. Another big story in


the news is that Britain's first ever national sperm bank has closed


down. Which is a disaster, they only managed to get $7 in the number two


years they were running. Which is 3.5 every year. You only get around


four or five donating because it is very rigorous, sperm have to survive


the freezing and thawing and regained motility. I heard one of


the problems was it was in Birmingham. The idea being that


people could not be bothered going to Birmingham. There are people in


Birmingham. They are rigorous, you need to have good quality sperm and


do various things, you cannot have sex for 48 hours before donation and


you must donate at least once every week and the sperm have to meet a


certain standard, they must be healthy, you must eat the right


things, don't drink too much alcohol, get good sleep and where


they are going wrong is sperm banks deliberately placed themselves the


universities because that is where you get the row of young men. But


also that is why you get sperm that are completely useless! -- Viral.


Lots of sleep deprived drunks. Pasty sandwiches for the last three years!


Another thing hopefully on the market soon is a procedure relating


to contraception and this is another male contraceptive, designed by a


German carpenter this year. It is not promising!, I know! We have a


picture of this valve. It is two little violence and on those tubes


you can see those two little ducts transferring sperm and once you turn


those off, it is not on either sperm to get past that. It goes back into


the testicles. That is the switch. Once you have these inserted, you


have this little switch, or and on. Where does that go? You hold it?


That is inside your testicles. You must flick the switch in your


urethra. You have the switch in your testicles. You decide no kids and


you just flick that. It is like a light switch, and you don't know


whether it is on or off. Once or twice, I hear. You would need to


attach some kind of light on the outside!


APPLAUSE OK, that is it, all of our facts,


timed race shares some of the stories that we did not have time to


get to. We will start with you, James. This is from the Palm Beach


Post, a Florida woman was arrested this week for breaking into an


apartment and attacking the residents with her pet macaw. Her


name was Mary Peck. Anna? This is from The Times, it covered the fact


that the Colombian president is visiting our Royal Family and


reminded us that when Prince Charles last went to Colombia he was given


as a gift several sets of maracas, as some narrow and some books


lovingly inscribed to Camilla Parker Bowels. Andy? Study by Glasgow


Caledonian University of music choices and desert island discs


which reveals that lawyers and vets tend to like heavy metal, nurses and


clergy like funk music and entrepreneurs like punk music. Not


enough engineers and accountants have been invited onto the show to


determine they like! OK, that is all from me, and the team. We will be


back next week, we have been No Such Thing as the News. Goodbye!


He's a scientist. Brilliant, apparently.


But I know things few other people do.


I will not work for the British government.


No Such Thing As The News is a current events programme you can watch with pleasure rather than anxiety. With James Harkin, Andrew Hunter Murray, Anna Ptaszynski and Dan Schreiber.

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