Episode 4 No Such Thing as the News

The Civic Hall in current fourth Lancashire is to get a new vacuum

cleaner. A man in Ohio has been jailed for public indecency after

having sex with a van. A wrapper in New Orleans has cancelled his

appearance at a music festival due to an unforeseen incarceration. Andy

Mitchell can woman has been arrested for choosing a husband around the

kitchen with a pair of scissors in a disagreement over a potato.

Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing As The News. Coming

to you from up the creek in Greenwich, London. My name is Dan

Schreiber and I am sitting here with ten CNET, Anna Hunter-Reay and James

Harden. -- Anna Ptaszynski. Once again, we will be presenting to you

only the most interesting stories that we have found in the news over

the last seven days and in no particular order, here we go.

Starting with James Harden. My factor this week is that sales of

Halloween masks have rightly predicted the winner of the US

election every year since 1980. This year, Donald Trump masks are

outselling Hillary masks by 10%. Whoever sells more masks wins? That

is what has happened. So shouldn't Hillary's team just be out there

buying masks? If that is the official way. It is not a causation

thing. The thing about them is that most of these masks are made in

China and we have a picture of one of them being made. Especially as

Trump wants to stop all imports from China... One interesting thing about

that, if you look at the colour of those masks, there is a website that

invited a lady called Laurie Pressman, the vice president of And

told to look at pictures of Donald Trump and see what colour he was.

Apparently he goes from things like burnt orange, desert sun, golden

orange, Autumn blaze, orange rust... Nuclear winter? But overall, it is a

called flamer. And that is what that looks like. That is his face. That

is very cool. I know that if you were dressing up as Donald Trump

this Halloween, there was one option for clothing which is a wig called

the Donald. And it was invented by a Japanese inventor. Here he is there,

wearing the weight he has invented. A sickly it is like your regular

low-end wig, it is quite normal, quite cheap but it contains chunks

of iron inside, possibly with spikes if you want them, and a coiled

strap. He invented this for Donald Trump to wear, so that if anyone

attacked in the could take it off and throw it at the person attacking

him. And the spikes would attack them, and Emma Coyle would bring it

back to them. You we go. That is his actual patented. When it hits the

target, he can bring it back and put it on his head. So you can get masks

of Hillary and strong but you can also get a mask of Mitt Romney. --

Hillary and Trump. There is a mask of someone dressed as Mitt Romney.

That is Mitt Romney dressed as Mitt Romney. This Halloween his family

decided to go as their alter egos and his is himself. There are few

other predictors of American elections, weird ones. But the one

that is possibly the most persuasive is the Olympics one. Whenever the

Olympics is hosted by a country that has not won the bid to host the over

mix before, there is a change of office, from Democrats to

Republicans, and one of the Olympics is hosted by country that has hosted

before, the incumbent stays in. 13 out of 14 times it has been true.

This time Brazil hosted the Olympics and they have not posted before so

according to this reliable method, Trump is winning. The Washington

Redskins prediction, this is a theory that when the Washington

Redskins, the American football team, play their final home game, if

they win, the party currently in the White House will win. And their last

home game was against Philadelphia Eagles. They won 27-20 so according

to the theory, the Democrats should stay in. But then the other thing is

that the Redskins played a game in London this weekend, neutral

territory, and it was a tie. In normal time and in overtime, and if

you watch American football that is extremely rare. It seems to me that

something weird is going to happen. It is going to be a tie. Will they

have a coalition? Check this out. Western Illinois University has a

mock election every time that is going to be an election. Since 1975,

when they have started doing the mock elections, they have had 100%

accuracy. And so I have done this year's mock election and they have

concluded that the winner of this presidential election is going to be

Bernie Sanders. Who will win in a landslide. He beat Hillary in the

primaries 2-1. He then faces the Republican nominee, Jeb Bush. Who he

beats at a margin of 4-1. So there we go. There was a recent poll done

for the link leadership initiative in September and it found out that

one in five Donald Trump supporters thought that he would start a

nuclear war during his leadership period. That is his own supporters,

one in five. 36% of his own supporters said there would be race

riots, 33% said the government would default on debt and one poster said,

the polls show that Trump is getting his methods cross because he has --

getting his message across because he has promised most of this. It was

a recent poll in Florida where 2% of people who vote for Hillary Clinton

also say that they believe that she is literally a demon. That is people

who would like to vote for her. So mad. We will have to move on shortly

to our next fact. Anyone got anything else? If you turn up to

vote in one of the Donald Trump masks, it would be an odd thing to

do, then there is a chance you will not be allowed to vote because it

counts as electioneering. If you turn up in a Trump T-shirt Olly

Or -- or a Hillary Clinton T-shirt, they were asking to turn it

inside out so you do not influence anyone else. I thought it was

encased Donald Trump had already voted today. You have already been

here, voter fraud. Our second fact. Time for my fact. The keys to the

church that contains Jesus's tomb are looked after by a Muslim family

because the Christians cannot be trusted with them. It is so amazing.

This is the reason -- the reason that I saw this is that Jesus's tomb

has been opened for the first time today in 500 years. It sits in this

church, the church of the holy sepulchre. The church is looked

after by three denominations but because they do not believe in

exactly the same things, it takes forever for them to negotiate how to

make even the simplest of decisions and so they decided to actually open

the tomb of Jesus over 50 years ago but have spent the last 50-something

years trying to work out how they should raise the money and they have

not agreed on anyway. Even as tiny a thing is that they cannot agree

upon. The reason that there is a Muslim family looking after the

keys, over 800 years ago they thought, there was no way we will

give the keys to you guys because you will just bicker over it. We

will give to this family. And it has been the same family looking after

its generation after generation, the keys to the most say sacred side in

Christianity. -- the most sacred. It is like getting the keys to the

garage. It is the most amazing story. They have been fighting for

centuries and there are all these examples of these tests that the

church has. The church is shared by six denominations, the Greek

Orthodox, Armenian, Ethiopian orthodox and Syrian orthodox. One

example of a fight that was had, the Ethiopians and the Cox, rather than

accessing the main church, they have a spot on the roof where they can

worship. There is an area that is disputed and during prayers in 1970,

the Coptic monks briefly left the roof top and Ethiopian monks changed

the locks and claim it for themselves and since then the Coptic

seven not been able to get back to it. They have erected a chair next

to it to show they protest the move and there was one incident in 2002

were a Coptic monk, it was extremely hot and he moved his chair to get

some shade from the sun, and this was interpreted as an act of

aggression. There was a massive fight and 11 monks were

hospitalised. It is mad! It is what Jesus would have wanted. They have a

thing that is very famously known as the immovable ladder. It is a ladder

sitting against a windowsill and because none of them can agree with

Richard go, it has sat there since 1752. -- agree where it should go.

In 2008 the Armenians had a procession and the Greek Orthodox

blocked the procession and it turned into a massive scrap. The police

came in and they got a video of it. These are all priests and monks. I

have a slow motion that guy coming in, like a WWF wrestler. While. It

is basically the Ukip party Conference. The fact that they have

now agreed to refund of the opening of Jesus's tomb, it has given them a

good feeling about getting on together. It was written not by the

National Geographic, who had to correspond and observing. There is a

church and inside there is a little house, you can see that in the

middle, surrounded by scaffolding. In the middle of that is a cave with

a tomb in it. And they removed the marble slab of very carefully. This

is from the writer of what happened. Revealing something expected.

Another marble slab. I like the story in eternity news... Eternity

news?! It is a publication by the Bible Society of Australia. Good

news, no body found in Jesus's tomb. Of course, Jesus was buried but rose

again and went to heaven so you would expect for there to be no body

there. And they went there and there was nobody. That is good news,

right? It is a beautiful find. And they are going to close it for a

couple of months and nobody will see it for another hundred years. It

could be thousands of years, they are saying, because they will

restore it to an extent where they can leave it for millennia. But they

are astonished, because there is nothing in it. For the sake of

balance, we should say that, you say the Muslim family look after the

keys but there are in fact two Muslim families. There are two guys

who share the responsibilities, and they have tensions between them,

too. Do they?! They do. There is this guy, Mr Judah and he says he is

the person who originally got the keys in it 1187. Not him literally.

He must love Eternity News. One of his distant relations, and

another man, his job is to unlock the door and the job of Judah is to

bring the key to him and he unlocks the door and they have these fights,

he believes his family was the first to hold the key but Judah says that

is not true, my family is very high up, highly respected, so after

Saladin gave us the keys, it was clear we were superior and we find

this inferior family and told them to do the unlocking. They feel

ashamed of just being doorkeepers. So they have some nice tension

between them as well! Anything else? Other Jesus news this week. Happy

news, in Canada, Jesus has been reunited with his head, a statue of

Mary and baby Jesus in Canada and vandals kept stealing the head of

Jesus so it was replaced by something sculpted by a local

artist, it is terracotta... We have a picture. Is that not a Donald

Trump Halloween mask? She promised she would make a stone version soon

and within moments of this, somebody rushed back with the original head.

Back on the statue! Halfway through. Time to look at the stories you have

sent to us through e-mails and social media. We will start with

James. Mine came from Dane Stringfellow on Twitter, this week

at Barnsley supporter took his pet hamster to watch Barnsley play

Walsall. The RSPCA said it would have been an extremely stressful

experience. As a Sheffield Wednesday fan! Good football knowledge! Just a

place and a day. Nottingham Thursday. You got very lucky there!

What have you got, and I? An e-mail from Joe, the Guardian, a woman in

Oregon left a note of apology and $30 of petrol money on a car after

accidentally stealing a car and returning it. The friend she asked

to collect the car picked up the wrong one. Andy? Clive from CNN, a

police officer in Phoenix, Arizona has been charged with assault after

stripping naked, breaking into a YMCA anti-masturbation meeting as

trying to tackle the mascot, a man dressed as a dolphin, saying he was

saving it from a nonexistent fire! He told detectives he had been under

the influence of LSD, cough medicine and antifreeze! It is time for us to

move on to fax number three. Anna? By fact is that in the elections on

Saturday in Iceland the second-biggest party fielded a

candidate who died the previous week. How did he get on? He is the

President! Sadly, he died on October 18. He is called Jonsteinn

Haraldsson and it was the wishes of his family that he remains on the

ballot and he was running for the left Green Party and they came

second in that area but he will not hold a political position. I don't

think... The big news was everybody that the Pirate party would do very

well. They did kind of well. They tripled their seats, in April they

had 43% support in Iceland, the biggest party and in the end they

only got 15% and this meant that in Iceland they have a pot of money

which you can use for campaigning and it is 290 million kroner, about

?1.6 million, and what they do is they put this to the different

parties and it depends on polling how much you get and this time the

Pirates were on 35% so they got 35% of the money. Because they're

pirates... Well... Be buried at? The campaign could have been X marks the

spot! Because their antiestablishment and they don't

really want all of this money, the spokesperson said that we funded the

last campaign at a flea market so all we need is the money to pay the

salary of our employees, anything more is too much. I bet they are

regretting that now! They were formed four years ago after the

financial crash, not of antiestablishment party is getting

more popular so from four years ago they have one one seat in six in

Parliament and that was replicated here that would be equivalent to

Ukip winning 72 seats in an election but that was founded in 1991 and

because of our first-past-the-post system it took them 23 years to get

the first MP so I worked out how long it would take them under our

system if they go at that rate. At this rate they will not have

replicated the success of the Pirate party until the year 3647. The man

who died was from the left Green Party who came second in this

election and they had one of their political adverts pulled from

YouTube in this campaign and we can see it's... This is a naked lady

with horses head. She is yelling and this is the artist. He is telling

everyone how it is great to have a strong, healthy, creative scene.

That is a party political broadcast on behalf of the left Green Party!

That is what that man is saying. It looks like he was apologising! I am

so sorry about my sister! She is really unwell. We need to move on.

We should quickly talk about how it was a great collection for women in

Iceland. They won 30 of the 63 seats. In fact, the World Economic

Forum released its gender gap a report last week and Iceland top

date for the seventh year in a row. This is one of my favourite things

about this country. The top five countries in the world and the

economic forum tend to be these 5- Iceland, Finland, Norway, Sweden and

the last one? Denmark? Rwanda. It is so fascinating. More than half of

its parliamentarians are women, 64%, because after the genocide they were

a 70% female population and admit women had a chance to take social

control and quotas were introduced and it led to this equal society and

at this point it means most of Parliament is populated by women.

Another thing they did in Iceland last week was all of the women

walked off their job at 2:38pm on one day. Because you pay inequality

in Iceland is about 70% so after 70% of the work day they said no, that

is it. -- 70%. Such a good idea! APPLAUSE

Right! Echoes back to 1975, known as the women's day off. When 90% of the

woman working went on strike on that day and all of the men basically had

to take their kids to work because they had no one to look after them,

the schools closed and they sold out of sausages... Because... That is

all they could cook! We will move on to the final fact. And that is

Andrew. More than one third of men who took the new male contraceptive

jab reported increased sex drive and one and 20 reported swelling of the

breasts. This is a new study, the new contraceptive for men and you

can either get an injection of hormones or you can have this as a

gel that you run into your shoulder and it is a huge development in

contraception. 96% effective. Which is very good, better than condom is,

which are 98% normally but in real life conditions they are 82%. What

does that mean? It is where you have put it on first! They have been

trialling this and this. This trial because a lot of men reported

side-effects. Whereas as we know the male contraceptive pills have no

side effects at all! Please don't write in, that is a joke! 38%

reported increased libido, which is a strange side-effect, but it is

very cool, it works by dramatically lowering the concentration of sperm

so it lowered this to 1 million for every millilitre, normal

concentrations are between 15 and 300 million sperm cells per

millilitre. I saw that statistic, I had never seen that before, if some

reason you decided to fill a pint glass with Seaman... It would

contain more sperm than people on earth. There you go! Very exciting!

Never open his fridge! They stopped the study because I think 20 other

subjects decided they didn't want to do that any more, 14 stopped because

of mood swings. And the other six had acne, pain or panic at the first

injection, palpitations, hypertension and erectile

dysfunction. But that at least would work as a contraceptive. The one

article I read properly was the fact that side-effects were that men were

feeling moody and the body feels wrong and the article should have

had two words- boo hoo! Tried being a woman for one second! I don't feel

so good! And they will potentially stop something that could mean men

could be using this very soon. They will carry on with the trials? More

men will say, oh, no! Danny, are you taking this thing at the moment?

APPLAUSE To be fair, 75% on the trial said

they would take this as a contraceptive and that is given that

half of them had acne, which is a high proportion of side-effects. And

four got pregnant. Very big side-effect. Another big story in

the news is that Britain's first ever national sperm bank has closed

down. Which is a disaster, they only managed to get $7 in the number two

years they were running. Which is 3.5 every year. You only get around

four or five donating because it is very rigorous, sperm have to survive

the freezing and thawing and regained motility. I heard one of

the problems was it was in Birmingham. The idea being that

people could not be bothered going to Birmingham. There are people in

Birmingham. They are rigorous, you need to have good quality sperm and

do various things, you cannot have sex for 48 hours before donation and

you must donate at least once every week and the sperm have to meet a

certain standard, they must be healthy, you must eat the right

things, don't drink too much alcohol, get good sleep and where

they are going wrong is sperm banks deliberately placed themselves the

universities because that is where you get the row of young men. But

also that is why you get sperm that are completely useless! -- Viral.

Lots of sleep deprived drunks. Pasty sandwiches for the last three years!

Another thing hopefully on the market soon is a procedure relating

to contraception and this is another male contraceptive, designed by a

German carpenter this year. It is not promising!, I know! We have a

picture of this valve. It is two little violence and on those tubes

you can see those two little ducts transferring sperm and once you turn

those off, it is not on either sperm to get past that. It goes back into

the testicles. That is the switch. Once you have these inserted, you

have this little switch, or and on. Where does that go? You hold it?

That is inside your testicles. You must flick the switch in your

urethra. You have the switch in your testicles. You decide no kids and

you just flick that. It is like a light switch, and you don't know

whether it is on or off. Once or twice, I hear. You would need to

attach some kind of light on the outside!

APPLAUSE OK, that is it, all of our facts,

timed race shares some of the stories that we did not have time to

get to. We will start with you, James. This is from the Palm Beach

Post, a Florida woman was arrested this week for breaking into an

apartment and attacking the residents with her pet macaw. Her

name was Mary Peck. Anna? This is from The Times, it covered the fact

that the Colombian president is visiting our Royal Family and

reminded us that when Prince Charles last went to Colombia he was given

as a gift several sets of maracas, as some narrow and some books

lovingly inscribed to Camilla Parker Bowels. Andy? Study by Glasgow

Caledonian University of music choices and desert island discs

which reveals that lawyers and vets tend to like heavy metal, nurses and

clergy like funk music and entrepreneurs like punk music. Not

enough engineers and accountants have been invited onto the show to

determine they like! OK, that is all from me, and the team. We will be

back next week, we have been No Such Thing as the News. Goodbye!

He's a scientist. Brilliant, apparently.

But I know things few other people do.

I will not work for the British government.