The House Not Going Out

# Yeah, not going out not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

SLEIGH BELLS

WIND WHISTLES

Are you sure we're going the right way?

How many times have you actually been to this house?

Don't worry, I'm like a homing pigeon, me. I go somewhere once...

Eat everything you can find, spread disease

and leave the place covered in crap.

I can't believe you're still annoyed with me.

Lee, I agreed to spend Christmas with you for one simple reason.

So I could get away from my mum and dad.

And what do you do? Invite them along too.

They invited themselves. What could I say?

You could've said, "No." You could've said, "Sorry, you aren't invited."

I could've said, "Geoffrey, could you get your hands off my throat and stop gripping my testicles?"

He wants to make sure I keep my hands off his grubby daughter.

I might have said that wrong, but you know what I mean.

No, he doesn't. He knows you're just the paying lodger.

Auntie Maureen's been asking me to visit again for years,

but I've never been that keen on her so I kept putting her off,

-but now I feel the time's finally right.

-Why?

Because she's dead.

The place has just been standing empty for years,

and my cousin said it's the last chance to use it before it gets sold off, so I thought why not?

-Well, I notice you didn't invite your dad.

-I did, actually.

But I think the way I pronounced "Yorkshire Dales" put him off joining us.

How did you pronounce it?

"Angola".

Well, you know what he's like.

If he knew we were coming, he'd turn up.

The last thing we need is any more unwanted baggage.

SHE YAWNS

Are we close?

We'll be there soon. We just have to stop for provisions first.

Are you sure this shop will have everything we need?

Dad is very particular about his Christmas dinner.

Trust me. It's a proper, old-fashioned country store.

All traditional stuff that your dad is going to love.

Just watch, Lucy. Christmas starts here.

WIND WHISTLES

I think they've downsized since my last visit.

Which was when?

1976.

Cashier number one, please.

What can I get you?

Don't worry, love, we'll use the self-scanning facilities.

Actually, I've brought a list.

Bechamel sauce. Pancetta. Cinnamon.

Grated nutmeg.

Probably just skip to the bit where it says "potatoes".

Preferably very misshapen ones with all the green roots sticking out.

Sorry to be so specific it's just that...

Oh, you have got some. Fantastic.

We only stock the essentials. This is a traditional country shop.

What country, North Korea?

Well, there were a time I had a real shop.

But you know how it goes.

They built the bypass, Tesco Express opened 35 miles away

and I was buggered.

Well, they do say these things come in threes.

SWING CREAKS

OWL HOOTS

WIND WHISTLES

CHAIR CREAKS

Ta-da!

So, what do you think?

I think I'm going back to that potato van,

ask her if she's got any rooms to let.

Well, I think it's charming.

Charming? What kind of idiot would think this was charming?

Oh, wow! This is charming!

Look, that chair over there is rocking on its own.

It's not doing it on its own.

It's probably a gust of wind coming through the door.

WIND CONTINUES

All right, through the window.

Well, I think it might be something a little more supernatural.

Yeah, course it is, Daisy. That's the thing about ghosts.

They've got no earthly form, apart from massive arse cheeks.

I've been told I have a sixth sense.

Yeah, right.

My grandma once appeared at the end of my bed.

She told me I had a gift.

Was your grandma alive at the time?

Yes.

Was it your birthday?

Whoa! This is freaky.

CHAIR CREAKS

-It won't stop rocking, Lee.

-I know.

It's like the Status Quo of chairs.

There you go, sorted.

-Right, I'm going upstairs.

-Good idea.

I'll straighten this place up ready for your mum and dad. You two go and freshen up.

Yeah, all you'll need is a duster, some soapy water

and a bulldozer and this old wreck might start to look half decent.

Oh, don't be hard on yourself - just have a bath and put some make-up on.

RECORD CRACKLES

MUSIC: "Last Christmas" by Wham!

Oh, wow! Good job.

Well, all this cottage needed was a bit of a clean and some George Michael.

Blimey, I must be feeling festive -

I just said the words "cottage" and "George Michael" and didn't do the obvious gag.

You mean the one about the dog with no nose?

Well, I see somebody's been busy with the old spit and polish.

Well, that's another version of the George Michael gag, I suppose.

This is for you, from Lucy. I wonder what it is?

-I hope it's what I think it is. I dropped enough hints.

-What?

-A PlayStation Portable.

-Shouldn't you have outgrown that by now?

I would've done if she'd bought it me last year like I asked.

-I got this for Lucy.

-What is it?

-Oh, just something small.

You know what they say, "It's not the size of your package that counts,

"it's how big your penis is."

-So, er, what is it?

-Oh, isn't it obvious?

Well, you must have heard her dropping all those hints about how much she loves silk.

And how her neck gets cold in bad weather.

Oh, great, we've got her the same thing!

What, you got her a Spider-Man balaclava as well?

Blimey! Am I in a different house?

Yes, we're on holiday remember?

Oh, wow! This looks great. Well done!

Dad might not mind this place after all.

Right. Time to siphon the python. Anyone?

Oh, no, no. Wrong phrase. That's not the cup of tea one, is it?

So, erm, you've not been here since you were a little boy?

No. Auntie Maureen was away for Christmas

so me and my dad came up here on our own. Just the two of us.

Although I didn't see much of him. He left me to entertain myself in front of the box.

I wouldn't have minded if we'd had a television,

but there's only so much entertainment you can get from 26 Shredded Wheat.

-I was glad when Ralph turned up.

-Ralph?

Yeah. He was the son of some woman my dad was seeing.

We used to play down in that cellar over there.

Used to play a great game called coalface.

Basically I used to throw loads of coal at his face. Happy days.

Is that where you got the kindling for the fire?

No, I can't open it. Door's locked. No key.

So what did you use?

-I chopped up that old rocking chair and used that instead.

-Lee!

What? It was freaking you out, and I needed the wood.

That chair looked really old. You shouldn't have burnt it.

Lucy's right. Guess what I've just discovered?

How to count to 20 with your socks on?

No.

The fridge light only comes on when you open the door.

Does it?!

So, what have you discovered?

This - a photograph. A very old photograph

-Oh, my God, Lee.

-What?

If it's that one of me dressed as a Chinese boy, it's not racist.

I was about to sneeze.

It's a picture of a boy in a rocking chair.

It says on the back "Christmas Eve, 1893".

I hate to tell you this, but I'm getting a strong feeling

that the child in that photograph...

is dead.

Maybe it was the ghost of this boy

that was making that chair rock earlier. Until you burnt it.

Look, there's nothing spooky about this house.

I've been here before remember?

So, can you stop acting like terrified little children?

Don't hurt me!

It's just Dad.

I know. Why do you think I said, "Don't hurt me"?

So, you got here all right then, Geoffrey?

No, we died halfway here in a car accident.

Ah... The plot thickens.

-So, what's in the box?

-A turkey.

There's also several bags of food and drink in the back of the car.

Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Dad!

That's very generous of you, Geoffrey.

But I did make it clear that I was arranging all the supplies this week.

Yes, you did.

That's why we brought a turkey and several bags of food and drink.

But I can leave it all in the car if you don't need it.

Do you need it?

-Yes.

-Good.

It's all in the boot, Lee. Car keys in the bowl.

Maybe we should unpack the car before we get on to the wife-swapping.

Sorry about Geoffrey. He does like things done in a certain way.

All right, we'll do the wife-swapping first.

Well, this all looks very...cosy. Not really what I was expecting.

No. I must admit, I arrived here expecting a dump.

No need to ask, Geoffrey, just go and have one.

I'll... I'll go and get the rest of the food.

By the way, who was that child we passed on the way in?

WIND WHISTLES

What child?

There was a young boy standing at the gatepost as we drove in.

Did he look like this?

I couldn't really see. His face was shrouded with a hood.

Did he look...

like this?

I told you, Wendy, there was no boy.

It must have been a sheep.

There you go. A sheep. That explains everything.

-It wasn't a sheep.

-It's quite possible to mistake a sheep for a young man on a dark night,

especially when you're going at speed.

..Your Honour.

So, now we have a rocking chair, a photograph

and a boy with the power to turn into a sheep.

Daisy thinks the house is haunted.

How exciting! Who by?

Hard to say, but I think probably...

a ghost.

A ghost that Lee has awoken from its slumber.

It's been here for 120 years and it's very unhappy with him.

I've only been here five minutes and I know how it feels.

There's no such thing as ghosts, Daisy.

There you go - a sensible voice at last.

So, are you going to bring the rest of that food in then, Lee?

WIND WHISTLES

Actually, I'll do it in the morning.

Right! Who fancies a small glass of brandy to start the Christmas week?

-Or a large glass?

-I think I'll have a bath.

Oh, thirsty.

I know you're going to say I'm paranoid, but I don't think your dad likes me.

Oh, don't be silly.

Of course you're not paranoid.

Trust me, I can tell he's happy by looking at his hands.

-What about his hands?

-They're not around your neck.

Thanks again, Lee, for inviting us here, it's very kind of you, isn't it, Geoffrey?

-MUTTERING:

-Yes, yes. Very good of you.

I hope we're not spoiling any plans you might have had by joining you for Christmas, Lee.

No, no plans. Just a good old traditional Christmas,

staring at stockings, wondering what's inside them,

wanting to...rip them open.

Your chestnuts...roasting on an open fire.

Hey, look what else I've found!

Some old sheet music for the penny whistle.

Just like the boy's playing in the photograph. Silent Night.

Where do you keep finding this stuff?

Just lying around in the kitchen.

Almost as if someone wanted us to find it.

-Maybe we're being sent a message.

-Yeah, course we are, Daisy.

"You burned my rocking chair, and despite the fact that I'm dead,

"I'm going to seek revenge by turning into a sheep

"and leaving music of Christmas songs lying around."

All makes complete sense to me.

Did this ghost used to write the clues on 3-2-1?

GLASS SHATTERS

-What was that?

-MORE GLASS SHATTERS

It's coming from the cellar.

But it's locked. Who could have got down there?

Who do you think?

Who knows this old house better than anyone?

Shakin' Stevens?

I should have known. It's coming from behind a green door.

-CRASHING

-Oh, God!

It's OK. There's nothing to be scared of.

He's right, Lucy. It's probably just rats.

Yeah, course it is. There's nothing to fear down there.

But just to put her mind at rest, Lee,

wrench that cellar door open and go down there and check.

What?

Stop Lucy's mind racing. And Daisy's.

Although I suspect that's more of a three-legged race.

-Hang on. Listen.

-What?

I think it's stopped.

Are you sure? I can't hear anything.

Geoffrey's right. Must be rats. But they've obviously gone away.

I think we're all letting our imaginations run a little wild, don't you?

Maybe we should all just go to bed.

Good idea.

Geoffrey, Wendy, you're in the room just next to Daisy and Lucy,

and I'm right on the other side of the house, all on my little ownsome.

Don't worry, Lee, the rats can't get you up there.

Just the ghost of the disgruntled, dead child that you want to watch out for.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

FOOTSTEPS CREAK ON FLOORBOARDS

HE YELLS

-What the hell are you doing?!

-I heard a noise downstairs.

Well, I'm not apologising for that, I was terrified.

It sounded like a musical instrument being played.

Like the one that boy was holding in that picture.

Oh, not this again.

Ghosts don't exist, Lucy. There are no ghosts.

I do not want to hear the word "ghosts" mentioned again.

PENNY WHISTLE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

Oh, Christ, it's a ghost!

Lucy, what are you doing?

If your dad comes in here, he'll have my bollocks as baubles.

I mean it, Lucy. Get out!

No chance. There's a dead thing down there blowing a penny whistle.

If your dad walks in here, he'll think you're blowing MY penny whistle!

PENNY WHISTLE CONTINUES

What do you think it wants?

I dunno. I only know about ghosts from that Patrick Swayze film.

I don't know if he wants to kill me or sit at a potter's wheel and do me from behind.

That's not what happened in that film.

You didn't see the version I saw.

It's stopped.

Maybe he's gone away.

DOOR BANGS OPEN

BOTH SCREAM

She's scared of ghosts. Nothing I'm doing.

-What the hell's going on?

-Nothing.

Nothing? You're in bed with my daughter.

How could you lower yourself like this?

Oh, don't be like that, she's not a bad-looking girl.

Honestly, Dad, there's nothing going on. I promise.

I heard creepy noises and I was scared.

Hmm, well, any strange noise in this house is probably

caused by Lee pretending to be a ghost.

-I'm not doing anything.

-Course you are.

You're playing tricks on Lucy because you want to put the willies up her.

Can someone say something before my gum starts bleeding?

PENNY WHISTLE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

Be careful, Dad.

You be careful too, Lucy.

BOTH SCREAM

What's going on?

We are running away to join the circus,

but we are short of a clown. Do you fancy making up the numbers?

We heard someone playing the penny whistle

I can't hear anything.

Me neither.

PENNY WHISTLE STARTS AGAIN

I don't know what it is exactly, but it's in the toilet.

Sounds like you telling me off at home.

Daisy? Daisy, is that you?

-Yes. Hello!

-ALL YELP

So, the undead has finally awoken.

What are you doing?

In films, it's always the one at the back that gets it first.

Well, the ghost won't get you, he'll probably just ask you out.

What is it?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

ALL YELP

PENNY WHISTLE STOPS ABRUPTLY

I'd give it five minutes if I were you.

-Dad, what are you doing?

-I've got a lizard that lives up me bum and it's dead thirsty.

What do you think I'm doing?

So, you're Frank. I'm Wendy, very nice to meet you.

Um, I would offer to shake...

Oh, that's generous but I'll do that myself when I'm finished.

I don't know what he's doing here, but at least that explains everything.

Let's just brick up the doorway and forget this ever happened.

I can hear you through this door, you know.

So can we. Can you run a tap or something?

-That was quick.

-Well, when Geoffrey came at me with that poker

it sort of speeded things up, if you know what I mean.

No, we don't, Dad. Could you be a bit more graphic, please?

I don't understand.

I thought Lee invited you for Christmas but you couldn't make it.

Invited me? Did he balls invite me.

I had no idea anyone else was here till 30 seconds ago.

So, what are you doing here, Frank?

Well, this place has got some very happy memories for me.

Remember '76, Lee? Decorating the tree, going to Carol's at midnight.

I didn't know you were religious.

We're not. And neither was Carol.

That's the woman I was telling you about that Dad was seeing.

I got here this afternoon. I've been out all day looking for provisions.

All I could find in that drawer was a little music book and a penny whistle.

That explains why everything was lying around.

Well, it doesn't explain everything, though, does it?

What about that noise in the cellar?

I told you. Rats.

All right but what about the boy at the gate?

Well, Dad's quite small.

You wouldn't mistake him for a little boy, though.

No, but you might mistake him for a sheep.

Especially that particular breed that's always drunk and after money.

I'm not after anything. I just had nowhere to go this Christmas.

I'm sorry if I scared you and I certainly don't want to intrude

on your festivities, so I'll be on my way first thing in the morning.

Don't be silly, Dad,

it'll take you ages to get back home in this weather.

Best you set off now and make a head start.

Lee's joking of course. We wouldn't hear of you leaving.

You must spend Christmas with us.

Well, erm, let's not be too hasty. Where would he sleep?

I could share a bed with our Lee.

Actually, that's an excellent idea.

After all, Lee, it is Christmas.

Don't worry, Lee. You can still sneak Lucy into the bed.

We can go top to tail and I'll keep my eyes closed.

Please stop talking.

Well, I don't know about everybody else,

-but I feel a bit stupid this morning.

-Don't worry.

Things look very different in the middle of the night.

You know, I think I'd prefer you were a ghost.

They might carry their heads under their arms,

but at least they manage to tuck their balls in.

Remind me again why I didn't invite him.

You know, to be honest with you, Lucy, love,

I'm quite surprised a sensible girl like you ever believed

the legend of the ghost in the first place.

Except it's not a legend, is it?

It's just a silly theory Daisy came up with.

Yes, well, they laughed at Isaac Newton's theories.

But if he hadn't have invented gravity, we'd all still be

floating around looking for heavy shoes.

You mean you've not heard the legend of the ghost of the little boy?

I think we've all heard enough talk about ghosts, thank you very much.

Of course. And you're absolutely right, Geoffrey.

My lips are sealed.

No, come on Frank. What legend?

It was Christmas Eve, 1893.

The little boy in the picture lived here then, just him and his dad.

And every day the dad would go off to work,

while the little lad played.

And every night he'd wait for his father to come home,

just sitting, waiting, in his rocking chair.

Every night, just rocking, back and forth. Back and forth.

All alone in this big house.

The lucky bastard.

One Christmas Eve after they'd built a snowman together

the dad went off, promising to return with a special Christmas present.

The little boy waited, excited.

Rocking, back and forth, back and forth.

But the snow came down, thick and cold. Like today.

And, well, the dad...never came home.

What happened to him?

No-one really knows. Some say he might have killed himself.

How could someone in such a beautiful place like this ever want to kill themselves?

I buy it.

All Christmas the boy waited for his father.

Until eventually he died too, from a broken heart, they say.

The legend is he still waits for his father to return with the presents.

Rocking back and forth, back and forth in his rocking chair.

Until Lee chucked it on the fire.

Well, like I say, it's probably a load of bollocks.

Talking of which, the Mitchell Brothers have popped out again.

Right, I'm off to that caravan shop.

I've got a sudden urge for a couple of King Edwards.

Yes, well, we must make a move too before this snow gets any worse.

-Where are you going?

-Our traditional Christmas Eve family walk.

Good idea. I like a nice long stroll.

How does 300 miles one way grab you?

Give us a minute, Geoffrey, we'll just get dressed.

Well, I don't wish to be rude, but these walks are a family tradition.

Wendy and I use them to catch up with Lucy.

Fast walker is she?

MUSIC: "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

You know, this reminds me of 1976.

You, as a little boy, hanging your stocking up,

waiting for your presents.

Yeah. You telling me leave a glass of whisky out for Santa.

Not forgetting Rudolph.

One for him, too.

And for Donner, and Dancer and Blitzen.

And the others.

I never even knew there was a reindeer called Steve.

Talking of presents, what have you done with them?

-How do you mean?

-The presents, from under the tree.

-I haven't touched them.

-Well, they were there when everyone left for that walk,

and there's been no-one here except me and you.

DOOR CREAKS

How come haunted houses never have any WD-40?

When did you unlock that cellar door?

I didn't.

I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this.

Yes, of course there is.

Although it would fit the legend, wouldn't it?

How do you mean?

That Christmas when the dad didn't come home,

the little boy didn't get his presents.

Maybe he's making up for it now.

Well, he's going to be disappointed when he opens a fondue set and a biography of Tom Hanks.

BANG

We'd better check down there. So, off you go.

HE CLICKS LIGHT

The bulb's gone.

Don't worry, your Auntie Maureen always kept a box of spares.

Good. Where are they?

Right down there at the back of the cellar.

Hello?

Is there anyone in here?

Hello?

By the way, can I just say I felt the film The Exorcist

painted you lot in a very bad light.

BANGING

WARDROBE DOOR RATTLES

Well, it's either a lion or a witch,

but either way, it's not looking good.

RATTLING CONTINUES

HISSING

LEE SCREAMS

What are you doing down here, you mangy little git?

HE YELPS

What are you doing down here, you mangy little git?

-I heard you scream.

-It's just the cat from the caravan.

There must be an open window and he's got trapped down here or something.

Well, at least that explains the noises from down here.

But it doesn't explain the cellar door being open, does it? Or the missing presents.

No. But maybe that does.

Maybe it doesn't mean us.

Well, that's all right,

cos we are leaving. In a day or two.

Oh, yeah? Or else what?

None of this makes sense.

If there is a ghost in this house, which there isn't,

how come I didn't see it when I was down here with Ralph?

Who?

Ralph. That kid I used to play with.

What kid?

The son of Carol, the woman you were knocking off.

Ralph. Sort of miserable, pale-looking.

What?

Lee, she didn't have a son.

You used to play down here on your own.

Well, who was that boy?

Oh, the little bastard! He could have told me he was a ghost!

No wonder he never agreed to an arm wrestle.

You're telling me you've seen this ghost before?

Seen it? I used to throw coal at his face.

No wonder he doesn't like you.

And now you've burnt his rocking chair.

Ralph, Ralph, whatever Lee did to you, it was nothing to do with me.

So if you're looking for revenge, please remember that!

I'm getting out of here.

Oh, God, he's locked us in!

He's going to throw coal in my face then kill me! HELP!

Try pushing.

You shouldn't have burnt his chair.

It's not my fault the kid's got an unhealthy interest in antique pine.

When I was his age I used to be into normal childhood things like KerPlunk and shoplifting.

Look, try not to be too scared.

Scared? I'm not scared.

There's nothing a ghost can do to hurt me. I'm not afraid.

HE YELPS

I wish people would stop doing that.

Hail, fellows, well met!

The weary travellers are returned to the warm hearth!

Oh, God, Geoffrey's been possessed.

Festive spirit, Lee, that's the only thing that's possessing me.

Once Geoffrey has had his Christmas Eve walk, he's a new man.

What would you say to a spirit, Lee?

"Please don't kill me."

I wouldn't bother taking your coats off. We are not staying.

Why? What's happened?

I saw the ghost of the child.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, for pity's sake.

-It was in the '70s.

-I thought you said it was a child.

The 1970s.

-It was my old mate Ralph.

-What are you talking about?

-Well, you know friends aren't supposed to keep secrets?

-Yeah.

Yes, well, he'd inadvertently forgot to tell me something quite important.

Like he'd been dead for the last seven decades.

Well, it's an easy mistake to make.

I once forgot to tell my best friend I'd snogged her brother.

Anyway, he's back. And he's taken the presents.

And what's worse is he's written a note on the wall threatening to kill me.

Oh, my God! That's what my friend did, too!

Well, on a park bench.

Did the ghost call you a slag as well?

Right! That's it, we're leaving right now!

For God's sake, Lee!

Are you going to be a coward for the rest of your life? Show some bloody backbone, man!

You're right.

Up yours, Geoffrey, we're bloody leaving!

Well, I don't think we should leave either.

A sensible voice at last.

If there's one thing life has taught me,

it's to always try and communicate with the dead.

Well, that didn't last long.

That way Lee can apologise for all the things that he's done.

Well, how do we talk to a ghost?

Three words - Ouija board.

First we must all place our fingers on the glass.

Which finger?

Oh, I don't know. Er, middle finger?

You can't give the middle finger to a ghost.

He's already annoyed at us.

Use your index finger.

Next we must empty our minds of all thoughts.

How come you always get a head start?

Is anybody there?

Is anybody there?

-BRUSQUE:

-Is anybody there?!

This is a complete waste of time.

Geoffrey's right. Maybe we should stop.

-What happened?

-Lee pushed it.

-I did not, I swear.

-Frank?

He's never pushed a whisky glass away in his life.

Ralph? Is that you, or someone else?

Sorry, was that yes, it is you, or yes, it's someone else?

No, it is someone else, or no, it isn't?

Can someone else be Michael Parkinson, please?

Lucy, you do it. Ask him what he wants.

What do you want, Ralph?

You want to know what happened to your dad?

You already know what happened to your dad?

Was it an accident?

Was he killed?

Who by?

So now we know.

His father died of ME.

Ralph, do you mean to cause us harm?

All of us?

Then who?

L. Not looking good for you, Lucy.

Ask him if he's got a problem with the golfer Lee Trevino.

C-U. What does that mean?

C-U. Don't you get it? He's a kid.

That's how they talk.

SEE YOU.

Oh, right. So now you're telling us the ghost of a Victorian orphan...

..is texting us?

-Oh, my God!

-SHE SCREAMS

What the hell's going on? Who are you?

Don't you come any closer, young man.

You don't frighten me.

I was in the Third Battalion, the Welsh Guards.

Oh, yeah, not so brave now, are we?!

Go on, Dad, show him how it's done.

DOOR SLAMS

Ralph, can I just say,

I would love the opportunity to buy you a nice new chair.

DFS have got a lovely sale on at the moment.

It's buy now, pay September, with further discounts on selected goods.

There's a range of fabrics to choose from

and I don't want to die!!

Hello!

Where's Frank?

How do you know Frank?

He invited us to spend Christmas with him.

Us? Me and my nana.

He said he'd ring when it was safe to come round,

but it's getting late. We haven't heard from him yet.

PENNY WHISTLE PLAYS

FRANK: You must leave this place, now!

PENNY WHISTLE PLAYS

Just playing my favourite tune.

-What's going on?

-Hiya, Frank.

Hiya, love. Everybody, this is Molly.

She lives with her grandma, down at that place you bought those spuds.

What? You mean the old biddy in the caravan?

-You've met her before actually, Lee. She's called Carol.

-Carol?

You mean that bit of strumpet you were knocking off in the '70s?

-Oi, that's my nan!

-Sorry.

Nana Strumpet.

We've kept in touch over the years.

I was hoping to rekindle a bit of the old romance.

I mean, her exterior's a bit rusty

but I bet her goods are as ripe as ever.

I feel sick.

You feel sick?

It wasn't just carnal desire.

I mean, I felt sorry for them stuck in that old caravan at Christmas,

so I invited the two of them to stay here.

And then you lot turned up, and I had to go for Plan B

Oh, is he coming, as well?

And when I heard you were all scared of ghosts,

I sort of played up to it a bit, hoping it would make you leave.

So that story that you told at breakfast was all a lie?

Well, no, there was some truth to it.

There was a boy, who lived here many, many years ago.

Yeah?

That's about it.

What about the glass moving, the cellar door opening,

the writing on the wall?

That were all me.

-I wish this was the end bit of Scooby Doo.

-Why?

Cos then I'd get to rip your face off.

So, that kid Ralph in the '70s wasn't a ghost?

Carol really did have a son?

Yeah. He grew up to be the father of Molly.

But he soon buggered off. Apparently he had psychological issues.

When he were a kid someone locked him in a cellar

and threw coal in his face.

-Can I go and get Nana now?

-I'm afraid not, Molly.

We're going to have to spend Christmas in that cold caravan.

I'll tell you what, because it's Christmas tomorrow,

as a special treat for our dinner we'll have some beans with our potatoes.

Hot beans?

Don't be ridiculous.

MUSIC: "Let It Snow" by Perry Como

Lovely spread, ladies.

Wendy and Carol have certainly made that turkey go a long way.

On the other hand, no-one's seen that cat since yesterday.

Molly's having fun.

That was very nice of you to give her your present.

It was very nice of you to give her yours.

Who's the extra chair for, Lee?

Well, I know we've finally proved there's no ghost,

but I still felt bad about burning that boy's rocking chair.

So I made a new one.

Oh, that's sweet. Where did you get the wood?

I chopped up an old crucifix I found hanging upside down in the attic.

What?

Do you know what?

This hasn't been such a bad Christmas after all. Well done!

Perhaps I deserve another Christmas present.

-Like what?

-Where's the mistletoe?

I'll see you at the car.

Well, it looks like this old place will be sold off very soon.

Probably the last chance we'll get to see it.

Bit of me will always be here.

That chain still not flushing, then?

One thing I don't get, Dad.

I know all these ghostly goings on were you,

but we were together almost all Christmas Eve.

When did you get chance to build that snowman?

I didn't, you daft bugger. It was Molly that built that.

-Isn't that right Molly, love?

-What?

You built that scary snowman with the creepy face.

I didn't build any snowman.

Well then, who did?

WIND WHISTLES

CHAIR CREAKS

PENNY WHISTLE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT

Merry Christmas.

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #