Skiing Not Going Out

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Excuse me.

Do you know if this one goes up

AND down the mountain?

Daisy, would you stop asking people that when we get on cable cars?

It's the first time I've said it.

No, it's not. You said it when we went on the London Eye.

Are you coming, or what, Lucy?

I'm sorry, I stopped to give you a round of applause for booking

such a great holiday(!)

And then remembered I couldn't.

How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

Um...once would be a start.

OK.

I'm very sorry for crashing into you and breaking your arms.

It was a freak accident.

You mean it was an accident caused by a freak.

I misjudged my speed at that first corner and just careered off.

You shouldn't have been riding that luggage carousel in the first place!

I don't want to sound like I'm defending Lee here,

but if they don't want people to ride it,

they shouldn't really be calling it a "carousel."

JINGLE

Well, I'm having a great time.

I always thought skiing was for the middle classes,

but I'm really enjoying it.

Perhaps one day you can try some other middle class activities,

like brushing your teeth. Or hoovering.

Oh, hoovering. That's a good idea.

You know, instead of flossing them.

Ooh, look.

Someone's come to sing us a song.

-What are you talking about?

-Hello!

Who is it, Lionel Ritchie?

What are you doing up there?

Dancing on the ceiling?

It's a little bird on the roof.

He looks hungry, I think I'm going to give him a biscuit.

SHE SPEAKS HARSHLY IN OWN LANGUAGE

Daisy, I don't think you're allowed to open that.

Of course you're allowed. Otherwise why would they have a sunroof?

I don't think that's a sunroof, Daisy.

My mistake. They've actually now got a bloody enormous sunroof.

I've been on some terrible holidays in my time, but this?

I don't think there are words to describe it.

-It's taking the biscuit!

-That's it.

Look, I know how to cheer you up.

Why don't I take you out for dinner tonight, just the two of us?

Is that what you think will count as an apology?

-A three-course dinner?

-Hang on, I never said three courses.

I broke your arms, I didn't reverse over your gran.

Um, thanks for the offer, but the answer's no.

Oh, he's eating it.

I'll bring you a chocolate one tomorrow.

How about a Penguin?

Oh, no, that would be a sort of be cannibalism, wouldn't it?

SHE REMONSTRATES IN OWN LANGUAGE

I think she wants a bite of your biscuit.

SHE PROTESTS

Oh, Daisy, I don't think you're supposed to feed the birds.

-Why not?

-I dunno.

I suppose in case they fly into the mechanism and die.

Oh, my God! Of course. I'm such an idiot.

That's why the bird's having its head cut off in the picture!

Oh, that's good.

I threw the biscuit over the side and he went after it.

Shame we don't have any Pot Noodle,

we could've tried the same with Lee.

SHE MOUTHS: What?

Well done, Lee.

It's just as well only English people speak mime(!)

I didn't know she was going to look round.

Not as round as that anyway!

Why is a pregnant woman going up a mountain in a cable car?

It'd be too far to walk in her condition.

Well, she can't be going to sit in that filthy,

unhygienic cafe all day.

I'm the only one stupid enough to be doing that.

Maybe she's just fat.

You know, like beer-belly fat, like men get.

Maybe she used to be a man.

Maybe she still is.

You speak fluent English, don't you?

Your boorish manner brings disgrace to both you and your country.

You could have told me you spoke English.

It's actually quite rude, what you just did.

Yes. Please forgive extreme rudeness I just showed you(!)

Yeah. The sarcasm's not very attractive either.

I am very sorry about my companion's insensitive comments.

British people aren't all like that.

So, um, why are you going up the mountain?

To be with my family.

They own the filthy, unhygienic cafe at the top of the mountain.

I'm very sorry about my companion's insensitive comments.

British people aren't all like that.

I am so sorry.

Please, feel free to insult me in return.

-Be as rude as you like.

-No, thank you.

I don't wish to sink to level of you and your husband.

When I said "as rude as you like"...

So, how long to go?

Two weeks.

Blimey, how big is this mountain?!

-BIRD TWITTERS

-Oh, no, the bird's back again.

Oh, I've got to get him away from the mechanism.

I know what will get rid of him.

That's very considerate of you,

but I think he's going to need one for each foot!

Shoo. Shoo!

It's sort of like I'm teaching him English now.

Because it is a kind of shoe.

CLANKING

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

What is happening?

Well, the good news is, the noise has scared the bird away.

So, no danger of him jamming the mechanism.

The less good news is...

..I've jammed the mechanism.

FRANTIC MUTTERING IN OWN LANGUAGE

What's she doing?

-She's getting stressed. We mustn't get her stressed.

-OK.

Just out of interest, what kind of things get you stressed?

I am very afraid of small, crowded places.

-Of course you are!

-And of heights.

Yeah. Anything else? Fear of woolly hats?

Fear of waterproof jackets?

Is that what anoraknophobia is?

Ooh... Ooh.... Ooh...

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

That's the noise that people make on films just before they have a baby.

Oooh.... Oooh... Oooh...

Actually, about nine months before.

Why don't you sit down and relax?

I'm sure we'll be moving again in a minute and everything will be fine.

CREAKING

We can't just sit here. We've got to do something.

-Maybe I should press that red button.

-I don't know, Lee.

It might be the cable car emergency release switch, for all we know.

We might go hurtling back down the mountain

and crash in to the cable car behind us.

-Ooh!

-Oh, Daisy, you silly billy!

You forgot to mention the blood-curdling screams.

INTERCOM CRACKLES

'Da?'

Hello, it's Lee.

We're on a cable car

and it's broken down and we've got a pregnant woman on board.

Broken down,

cable car,

pregnant woman, have we.

That's right, Lee. If you're stuck, think, "What would Yoda say?"

MAN ON INTERCOM SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

I'll deal with this.

Computer...

We want to go back down the mountain.

Make it so.

You talk to him. Tell him we're stuck.

SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

MAN SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

He says he knows we are stuck. Of course he knows we are stuck.

The entire system is now stuck, obviously,

you total bunch of morons!

-Was the morons bit you or him?

-Him.

You moron.

-Did you tell him you're pregnant?

-Yes.

He said there's nothing we can do but wait for maintenance people to come and fix.

He's bloody useless this guy, isn't he?

Wait till we're down, I'll have a word with him!

He'll soon know who he's dealing with then.

-SHE BEGINS TRANSLATING

-Don't tell him that bit!

So, seems like there's nothing to do but wait.

SHE MUTTERS IN OWN LANGUAGE

No chance.

I am not just sitting here whilst a pregnant woman gets stressed.

HE STRAINS

It's no good. I need something to dislodge it.

Daisy, get me the other ski.

SHE EXCLAIMS

Hey, wouldn't it be amazing if you fell from this height,

but then you landed in a really small tub? You know, like Mousetrap.

Men and their tools, eh? Always getting us into trouble.

CLANKING

I think we're getting somewhere.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Oops.

Right, just a few more to go, then we can start that giant game

of KerPlunk!

I've got an idea. This might sound crazy, but trust me.

That's the exact phrase you used when I asked, "How come

"a skiing holiday only costs £199?"

Daisy, if you help me get my boots into those skis,

and then grab hold of me, the combined weight will pull

the skis loose and then we'll be on our way again.

Are you a crazy person?

That is rich coming from a woman who decided to climb up

a mountain doing an impression of a Russian doll.

I am not Russian.

Yeah, you're no doll, either.

HE STRAINS

Oh!

Right, Daisy, grab the top of my thighs and get a solid grip.

Any other northern chat-up lines?

Right, push! Push!

-WOMAN GROANS

-Not you.

How's it looking?

Like we're being carjacked by Eddie the Eagle.

Did it!

You watch, any minute now we'll be moving again.

THEY ALL SCREAM

RUMBLING

It's OK! We've stopped.

We're going to be OK. Everyone relax.

SHE REMONSTRATES IN OWN LANGUAGE

You need to keep her calm, Lee.

SHE CONTINUES TO SCOLD

Shall I slap her?

SHE SHOUTS

For God's sake, Lee, you're scaring the hell out of the poor woman.

I know, she must be terrified.

Look. There's a puddle of water on the floor.

Oh, God. Her waters have broken!

Help! Somebody help!

She's having a baby!

For the love of God, somebody help!

Oh!

Thanks, I needed that.

Get us down from here, now!

MAN SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

-Get him to send a helicopter.

-I don't want to get into helicopter.

It's not for you, love, it's for me!

SHE ASKS FOR HELICOPTER

MAN REPLIES CALMLY IN OWN LANGUAGE

He says don't worry. This sort of thing happen all the time.

They can scramble military helicopter from local airbase,

will be here in two minutes.

Oh, that's fantastic. That's exactly what we need.

Tell him that's brilliant.

He's taking the piss, isn't he?

Yes.

DERISIVE LAUGHTER FROM INTERCOM

This is about that bad score we gave you lot

in the Eurovision Song Contest, isn't it?

MAN ON INTERCOM MUTTERS IN OWN LANGUAGE

He says hopefully we'll have it fixed soon

and when they do, they will have doctor waiting for us.

Oh, right. It's "us" now, is it?

A few minutes ago I didn't know this woman,

-now we're having a baby together.

-SHE MOANS

I have got to get out of here!

And how do you plan to do that?

I saw a film recently called Frozen where these people get stuck

in a ski lift.

The resort closes and everyone's left dangling all night.

After a while, one of them decides there's no choice and jumps out.

-Does he survive?

-No, he breaks both his legs and a wolf eats him.

Go for it.

It will bring your whole life full circle,

to be raised AND eaten by wolves.

Look, we've just got to hang on in here for a short while.

-Just sit down on the bench and breathe deeply.

-OK.

Not you, her!

Look, I don't want to worry anyone, but we've got another problem here.

Oh, good. When it comes to problems, I felt we were running short(!)

You see that sign up there?

Maximum Occupancy: 4.

The moment that baby arrives, this car's going to be overloaded.

-We'll be no worse off, Daisy.

-Oh, is that right?

Well, explain that to me then, Mr Clever Potatoes.

You know what? I'll wait and explain it to the baby -

that way I might have a fighting chance!

Oh, God!

Just because her water's are broken, it doesn't necessarily mean

she's immediately going to have her baby.

It could be hours away yet.

The thing to do is to reduce the levels of stress in here.

SHE SCREAMS

Yes, good idea, did you hear that? Reduce stress. Relax! Relax!

Relax!

Doing an impression of Brian Blessed sings

Frankie Goes To Hollywood is not going to help things, Lee!

Well, what does reduce stress, then?

I don't know! General relaxation techniques.

Calming music, that sort of thing.

Oh, good idea! Have you got 50 pence for the jukebox(?)

All right then, massage.

Massage a strange woman?

Yes! One of you needs to do it.

Daisy, warm your hands up, I'll check if Clannad

are hiding under the bench.

Not her belly!

We're trying to hold it in, not squeeze it out.

-Do her shoulders.

-Well, that's quite difficult, Lee,

it's hard to tell which bit of the baby I'm massaging as it is!

The WOMAN'S shoulders.

SHE MOANS

It's not working, we need something else. I know.

The sound of waves on a sandy beach.

HE MIMICS WAVES

I thought you said the sound of waves on a sandy beach,

not a baboon blowing out the candles on his birthday cake.

Actually, this is nice.

It's making me feeling relaxed.

HE CONTINUES RASPING

# Rock-a-bye-baby on the tree top

# When the wind blows the cradle will rock

# When the bow breaks the cradle will fall... #

CREAKING

-# And down will come... #

-Shush!

This does make me feeling little better.

It is like the techniques I have been taught at antenatal group.

Why do they teach you that? Is it to slow down the labour?

Actually, it is the opposite.

They teach us this techniques to speed up the labour,

to make it happen quicker.

SHE SCREAMS

Stop relaxing! Clench that cervix! Clench!

It is happening! Baby is on its way!

It might feel like that, but these things can take a long time,

especially if it's your first.

It is your first, right?

It is number six!

Six!

It's going to come out like it's on an Olympic bobsleigh run.

SHE SCREAMS

Right. There's only one thing for it.

You and Daisy will have to deliver it.

-What?

-Well, I can't do it. I can't move my arms.

You've still got feet and teeth.

Look, it'll be fine. I can direct you.

-My cousin's a midwife.

-So? My cousin's a fishmonger.

It doesn't mean I know how to de-scale a halibut!

-SHE CRIES OUT

-Oh, bloody hell!

Don't panic, Lee. It's very, very simple.

-Really? Do you know what to do?

-Of course I do.

-Oh, thank God.

-You use a slightly blunt knife

and you scrape from the tail towards the gills.

And what about delivering a baby?

Oh. Oh, not a clue.

Right. Looks like it's down to you, then.

I can't do it. She's not going to want a man down there.

Bit late for that.

You know what I mean.

You don't want me delivering it, do you, love?

I don't care who does it!

Look, Lee, I don't mind doing my share.

You can impersonate whatever pop star you like,

but you are delivering this baby!

-I'm not doing it, Lee.

-Oh, look, please, Daisy.

I'll do everything else if you just deal with the business end.

What? You think we have to get some sort of payment from her first?

I mean, if you do the actual removal of the baby,

-I will do everything else.

-SHE CRIES OUT IN OWN LANGUAGE

Please, Daisy, I'm begging.

OK. I'll grab it when he comes out, but you're doing everything else.

Deal.

That's not the way they sterilise in Holby City.

SHE SCREAMS

Quick, remove her knickers.

Oh, no. I said nothing down the business end.

No, you said anything but the actual delivery.

Well, go on, away you go.

For God's sake, be quick,

whoever is doing it. Argh!

Do it, now!

Oh, God...

-Have you done this before?

-I don't know.

Do you drink at Wetherspoon's on Burnley High Street?

SHE MOANS

-Right. Now you need to make her feel comfortable.

-Oh!

Well, at this point, I usually pour two glasses of Asti Spumante,

what d'you reckon?

Right. Are you feeling up to this, Daisy?

Well, I'm not sure. I've only ever witnessed one birth.

-Whose?

-My own.

It went very well and I seemed to enjoy it.

You can't remember your own birth, Daisy.

No, I know that, but we've got it on video and we used to watch it

every year with the family, you know, before my birthday cake.

WOMAN CONTINUES TO MOAN

Really? Didn't it put you off eating?

You'd think so, wouldn't you? Especially as I was a caesarean.

It was a sort of family tradition.

And then Alien came out on video so we watched that instead.

WOMAN SCREAMS

What the hell are you doing?!

I am preparing for the women's 1,500 metres downhill.

What does it look like?

I am helping to ease the passage.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Yes, now you must shave me.

-Sorry, I misheard that one.

-You must shave me.

-No, I misheard it again.

-Shave me!

-It's still sounds like you're saying "shave me".

-Yes!

And that sounded like "yes".

There is towels, razor blade and cream in the bag.

You have got to be kidding me.

Lee, if she wants to be shaved, then shave her.

Some people consider it hygienic.

Not for me, it isn't. Tell her I'm not doing it.

What is problem?!

It's just, that's not the really the way we do things.

In Britain, that hasn't been done since the 1960s.

I bet THAT hasn't been done since the 1960s, either.

Sorry, Lee. When in Rome...

We're not in Rome.

We're not in Britain!

Knowing my luck, I bet we're not in Brazil either.

SHE SCREAMS

-Just do it!

-Oh... And what would you like, madam?

Leave a bit of length on top, short at the sides?

It's too late for shave! I think baby is coming now.

Oh, thank God. Daisy, you're on.

-Daisy?

-BIRD TWEETS

On, no, the bird's back, it's going near the mechanism again!

Daisy, forget about the bird! It's not important!

Oh, tell that to the bird's mother.

We will tell her later, in fact, we'll tweet her!

Just get down here and deliver the bloody baby!

I'm sorry, I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to it.

-I'm going to bring it back inside where it's safe.

-Daisy!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Be quick! Baby is coming!

Oh. Lee, check her dilation.

Do what?

See how wide she is.

How wide she is? Look at her, she's massive.

She's having a baby!

That's not what dilation means. It means down there.

I have already removed the knickers.

Never go back to a lit firework!

SHE SCREAMS

Do it!

Surely this is Daisy's job.

Daisy's got a bird in her hand.

-Well, a bird in the hand's worth two hands in the...

-Arrgghhh!

Do you know how to check for dilation?

I don't need to. I can see.

It's about 15 inches.

It's not 15 inches, Lee.

If she was dilated 15 inches, her pelvis would fall out!

Oh, I am sorry,

I appear to have come on this skiing holiday without my tape measure.

I was going to pack it, just on the off chance I had to measure the width

of a stranger's fanny in a cable car!

But no, I seem to have left it at home!

How wide?

SHE MOANS

Does that mean the baby's coming out?

Coming out? I'm surprised you haven't fallen in.

-I've got him!

-BIRD TWEETS

Thank God. Right, it's half-time.

This is where we change ends, Daisy.

No way!

The insane woman with dirty bird feathers all over her fingers

is coming nowhere near my baby!

-But that was the agreement.

-This was your agreement.

I would not trust this woman to deliver a pizza, never mind a baby.

Oh, please. If it's late, you'll get free garlic bread.

-You will have to do it.

-SHE SCREAMS

LEE SCREAMS

CABLE CAR STARTS UP

Oh, thank God, we're moving!

We're moving back down to the bottom!

Which means I don't have to... move back down to the bottom.

You hear that, little fella?

There's a light at the end... AGHHH!

-What is it?

-There's something down there, sticking out.

It's called a baby, you moron!

It wasn't a baby. It was purple.

Oh, that's its head.

Oh, my God!

No, that's a good thing. It means it's coming head first.

Are you sure?

Either that or he's got extremely big testicles.

-Right, get down here and deliver it.

-I can't do it.

Yes, you can. We can do this together.

Together? Me as the midwife and you as the airing cupboard?

She needs you for this.

We're still 300 yards away from the station.

Good, I'll get out and walk. I could do with the exercise.

You have to do this, Lee!

SHE MOANS

She might be a ski-jumper, quick, open the door!

That baby will fall to the ground if you don't catch it.

It's got that thing, the umbilical cord.

It'll be like a bungee.

How do you want to remember this trip, Lee?

Do you want to be the hero,

the man who delivered a child in perilous circumstances?

Or do you want to be the man who almost shaved a stranger's vagina

in a cable car?

Oh, it's that age-old question(!)

WOMAN'S MOANING INCREASES

-Oh, bloody hell!

-Do it! Now!

-TEARFULLY:

-I just wanted a skiing holiday.

SHE CRIES OUT

-Lee?

-What?

What can you see?

Nothing, I've got me eyes closed!

Open them.

OK.

LEE SCREAMS

THEY SCREAM IN UNISON

THEY SILENCE, BABY CRIES

LEE RESUMES SCREAMING

You've done it! Congratulations!

BABY CRIES

It's a girl.

If it had been boy, I would have named him after you.

Well, Lee can be a girl's name, too.

Oh, OK, you got me there. I was lying.

Maybe you could give her a name to fit our surroundings, like...

Snowdrop.

Yeah, or Rocky.

Or Vince.

You know, Vince Cable.

Oh...

I tell you what, never again.

Oh, you say this now.

Trust me, I mean it.

No, there is something that I have not told you.

I saw how you panicked earlier

so I decide not to tell you to keep you calmer.

Twins?

SHE SCREAMS

-LEE SCREAMS

-Cover me! I'm going in!

Don't arrest me, she gave me permission!

Now you are safe, my precious.

Fly free and be happy!

TRUCK SIREN BLARES

SPLAT!

How long were we in here?

Wasn't I wearing a watch earlier?

So, er, are you getting out or staying on

and going back up the mountain?

I should go up to the cafe and tell them the good news.

I'm supposed to have a day's skiing, but she's gone off with me skis.

Come up to the cafe if you like.

Maybe you could take me for that dinner after all.

I thought you said it was hopeless and rundown.

Well, you've shown that hopeless and rundown can still deliver.

Oh...

You all right, mate?

Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine.

It's just I keep getting these chest pains...

Don't worry. I'll be fine. Agh!

God, that was a bad one!

JINGLE

-Stop!

-Let us out!

-We want to get off!

-Help!

# We're not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd