Rachel Not Going Out

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need To scream and shout

# Yeah

# Not going out

# We are not going out. #

GLASS SMASHING

Lucy?

CLATTERING

Hello?

CLATTERING

If you're a burglar I've got... a really nice urn you can have.

Aaah!

Don't worry about me grandad, he was already dead.

What are you doing, Daisy? Creeping round like a gimp in a bin bag?

I'm going on a hen night next week.

And the theme is superheroes and supervillains.

So I've just borrowed this off Lucy. It's Catwoman.

-Catwoman didn't have whiskers.

-Course she did, she was Catwoman.

So? Batman didn't sleep upside down

and Robin didn't go bob-bob-bobbing along.

Oh, you are here.

I've been up in the loft to lend Daisy that costume.

I've got loads of them up there, didn't I ever tell you?

You never told me we had a loft.

-There's a hatch through there. Next to the bathroom.

-What's in there?

A bath, a sink - you should pop your head in there one day.

-In the loft.

-Just things from a misspent youth.

Costumes, records. And...

this!

I'm glad you bought that. Cos I've been wanting to put up some shelves

and I could only find those two-foot sponge nails.

I didn't buy it.

On my very first ever date with my first ever boyfriend, he won it.

Why, did he go out with you for a bet?

Well I suppose you could say it was a gamble for both of us.

-But it paid off.

-Why? Did you take it each way?

Because we fell in love.

Our first date was at a fun fair. Scott was amazing.

He kept winning all the games.

You know, "Whack A Mole", "Hook A Duck".

And, um, what's that one called where you throw the darts?

Darts.

Eventually he won this on one of the stalls

and we became like a little family, just the three of us.

Me, Scott and little MC Hammer.

Ahh, the three of you sound absolutely bloody unbearable.

It's called being in a loving relationship.

You wouldn't understand.

So why have you kept it?

Because a first love is special.

Why?

Because it's the first.

So? My first love was Wagon Wheels but then I got older,

as I matured, I discovered a man called Mr Kipling.

Anyway, it was a long time ago, it's all in the past.

Exactly. I'll chuck it away for you then, shall I?

No. You can't touch this.

Was that you or MC Hammer?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm meeting the hen night girls to plan next week.

I took the costume off though, obviously.

Don't want to give away who I'm coming as.

-Do you want a drink?

-Yes, please.

Pint of lager and a saucer of milk, please.

Well, I notice that once again you are showing a little too much

interest in Lucy's personal life.

I overheard your little discussion while I was in the bathroom.

-Do you know what I think you need?

-Thicker walls?

Some womanly advice.

I just don't think it would do any harm

if you were to make her a little bit jealous for a change.

What, you mean get a girlfriend?

I know. It seems unlikely, but it's not going to happen

if you don't open yourself up to opportunity every now and again.

I do open myself up to opportunity, I'm always...

Excuse me, I'm using that stool for me coat.

Hi, Rachel.

Oh, hi, Daisy. Didn't recognise you for a second.

What's with the whiskers?

How do you know about that?

It was just a small tin, to get into character.

This is my friend Lee. My single friend.

What time's Cilla getting here?

I'm just getting the drinks in for the girls.

Well, I'll go and join them, and leave you two to chat.

Will it be number one who says he's thinking of having his cat put down?

-Do you want a drink?

-It's OK. We've got a kitty.

I know. But she can get her own.

Why does everyone assume if you're single you have to be looking for a relationship?

Exactly. You might just be looking for some casual sex.

-Sorry, that was a joke.

-I know.

-Unless you are just looking for some casual...

-No.

-Me neither.

Another round of shots, please. I'm drinking them under the table.

Why, are you not allowed on the furniture?

Right, well, I should probably get back to the girls.

Erm, Rachel, do you fancy going out some time?

Chinese? Mexican?

Ooh, go as a Mexican!

-Er... Yeah, OK, why not?

-Great.

-What are you doing tomorrow night?

-I'll take it from here, Daisy.

Erm, actually I am free tomorrow night, if you fancy it.

-Brilliant.

-I know a really nice restaurant in the West End.

We could meet there at eight if you like.

Actually, why don't you come round to mine first

and I can introduce you to my landlady.

Oh, that's a good idea.

OK, well, why don't I just come round before breakfast.

That way I could meet your milkman, too.

Oh, no, no, they don't have a milkman, they get it from a shop.

-That's considerate of you.

-What is?

Spraying Mace on yourself.

Right, have I got everything? Keys, phone...

Biscuit for the guide dog.

She's not blind, actually.

-Elderly?

-No.

-Hunchback?

-No.

-Lesbian?

-No.

That last one turned out to be a lesbian.

Yeah, but only AFTER she went out with me.

Prostitute?

If she was a prostitute, why would I be taking her out for dinner?

I don't know. Maybe you've finally found one who'll work for food.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, I tell you what, why don't you meet the blind, lesbian,

hunchback tart for yourself?

What about this for the hen night? It's The Thing.

Nah, it's not right, is it?

Plus, the husband-to-be has got eczema,

so it might look like I'm mocking him.

Just dropping Rachel off.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

What, like moisturise?

Rachel, you look beautiful.

You scrub up well yourself.

Oh, it took more than a scrub. Chisels were involved.

This is my landlady, Lucy.

Hi.

Lucy's staying in on her own tonight. Getting hammered.

Ah, he's sweet. Was it from your boyfriend?

No. Just someone special.

Sorry, look... I'm not treading on anyone's toes here, am I?

No, course not.

I'm not the "someone special".

I dunno, she hasn't seen you eating yet.

No, I'm definitely in the "available" category.

That's good, you're like me. Young, free and single.

Free - see? Not a prostitute.

Sorry, private joke.

Shall we go?

Oh, actually, Rachel, I've left my keys, I'll you see at the lift.

What do you reckon, eh? She's all right, isn't she?

-What does it matter what I think?

-It doesn't.

By the way, at this restaurant you might find there's

lots of different cutlery on the table.

Don't let it confuse you. Just remember the simple rule:

use the cutlery.

18 quid for cheese?

-Where's it from the, moon?

-CORK POPS FROM BOTTLE

I hope you're not one of these people that assumes the man has to pay for dinner.

I hope you're not one of these women who assumes I can.

Same again.

Have you decided what you're having yet?

Yes. I'll have the confit de canard, please.

-Sir?

-Do you sell duck?

That's what madam just ordered.

Where I'm from, "canard" is the answer to the question

"How was your day at work?"

-All right, I'll have the same.

-Entrees?

It's up to you how you carry them, mate.

You don't come to places like this much, do you?

To be honest, I'm more of a pie and chips man.

Well, they do say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Well, I think it's nice that you don't do this a lot.

It makes me feel special.

And this way I get to train you up.

Even if does take a few sessions.

-Sounds like you want to see me again.

-Why not?

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Blimey, and I thought this dating malarkey was going to be...canard.

Well, I don't believe in wasting time when it comes to relationships.

Relationships?

Have you got one of those really awful surnames

you've been trying to get rid of since you were a kid?

Talking of which, do you like children?

-Yeah, they're OK.

-Me, too.

But I like elephants as well. Doesn't mean I want one of me own.

What if you met the right person?

Yeah, but you've still got to smuggle it out of the zoo, haven't you?

So what do you reckon? Tomorrow night?

Well, shall we see how this date goes first?

We haven't even ordered pudding yet.

Talking of which, I'm going to have the fruits de mer.

-It's...

-FRENCH PRONUNCIATION:

-"Fruits."

Is it? Good. Makes up for that expensive cheese then, doesn't it?

9.30. You obviously didn't get lucky.

I might have.

Actually, 9.32 - maybe you did.

So why are you back so early?

I just fancied getting back, that's all.

Come on, what went wrong?

Nothing. She was just a bit...odd, that's all.

Which is your way of saying she never wants to see you again.

-Oh, she wants to see me all right.

-Yeah, sure.

You're not by any chance jealous, are you, Lucy?

I'm not jealous. I just want to know what went wrong, that's all.

Nothing went wrong. I just said she was a bit odd.

But that's fine. Odd things can be good.

For example?

Bill Oddie.

He was a Goodie.

And like you, he has to hide in a hedge to get close to a bird.

Well, that's where you're wrong actually.

Because I'm going to be seeing Rachel again.

-Oh.

-In fact, I think Rachel's really nice. She might be a keeper.

Well, she did have fairly big hands.

So, when's this next date?

Actually I'm going to ask her out again tomorrow night.

You're asking her out again tomorrow?

-She's going to think you're weird.

-No, she won't.

Trust me. Only a complete freak would ask someone out two nights in a row.

So...you went for the same restaurant. The same table.

Well, I think when you find something you like,

you should hold on to it. Why change?

Yeah, I have the same approach to underwear.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

No, but I believe in slightly intimidated at first sight.

HE SQUEAKS

I do!

-What? I haven't asked you anything.

-Believe in love at first sight.

Oh.

What you doing?

Oh, nothing. You'll think I'm a bit eccentric.

Oh, of course not. A bit eccentric?

You must be mental.

It's just a little scrapbook I've been keeping of our relationship.

There's a hair from your jacket from the first night we met.

And that's one of your eyelashes from last night.

Great. All you need now is a bit of wax from my ear and a couple

of toenail clippings and you'll have a fully working voodoo doll.

And this is a picture I drew of the two of us together.

-Are you OK, Lee?

-Listen, Rachel.

Erm... I think you might have been getting hold of the wrong end of the stick.

In fact you might be better off not touching the stick at all.

Are you trying to tell me something, Lee?

I just think we should have a... different sort of relationship.

What kind of relationship?

Pen pals?

-Are you breaking up with me?

-No. Yes.

Well, we weren't really together, were we?

I mean, we haven't even, you know...

Oh, thank God we didn't.

I know what this is about. It's your landlady, Lucy.

There's something going on between you two, isn't there?

No, there isn't.

That's why you took me round there to meet her on our first date.

You were just using me to get Lucy jealous, weren't you?

Well...

Well, maybe I should make a little telephone call to Lucy.

What?

Maybe she deserves to know all about these secret strong feelings.

And what kind of manipulative man you really are.

Will you be requiring the cheeseboard later?

Or is sir getting "just desserts"?

LOUD KNOCKS AT DOOR

Open this door now!

Are you looking for a tin of sweetcorn?

I'm the Incredible Hulk. What do you think?

I thought you were Catwoman? Why do you keep changing your mind?

Well, Fiona Watts is going as Catwoman.

I was a little bit angry about that, actually.

Yeah, so I can see.

So, erm, how's it going with Rachel?

I hear you've been getting quite close.

You could say that.

Yeah? How close? Wedding-bells close?

More like Glenn Close. She's a loony.

She's threatening to say some nonsense about me liking Lucy.

Why did you let me go out with her?

Did you not notice any small signs that she might just be a little bit unhinged?

No.

I mean, there was one thing she said,

but I thought nothing of it at the time.

What?

She said, "I'm a very emotional woman.

"When I love, I love with all my heart,

"but when I hate, woe betide anyone who stands in my way."

And you didn't think anything of it?

No. I'd have forgotten all about it

if it wasn't for something else that she said.

She said that her last boyfriend turned out to be a total bastard

and he betrayed her, and now she will never ever forgive him,

not until he has rotted away in his grave.

Well, I can see why you didn't bother to mention it.

Exactly. I mean, I wouldn't even mention it now...

if it wasn't for something else that she said.

Oh, good God.

She said, "Your friend Lee, I think he might be the one.

"And if he isn't and if he ever does anything to hurt me,

"I will make sure that his life is not worth an old cigarette stub.

"Not worth an old cigarette stub."

It's funny, isn't it, how these things turn out to be significant.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, I'll get that.

Probably just one of those automated sales calls,

not worth bothering with.

Salesperson. Have I been involved in an accident recently?

No, but if you phone back in a couple of days...

Nothing to worry about... Argh!

-Look who's dropped in.

-Hello, Lee.

Hello, Rachel. What are you doing here?

Just popped by to say hello.

Hello.

Oh, yes - and there was something I wanted to tell Lucy.

-Remember?

-What's that?

-I don't know.

Yes, you do - we talked about it just before I left the restaurant.

In fact, I was in such a rush I can't even remember

when we arranged our next date?

We didn't.

Sorry, Rachel, what is it you wanted to tell me?

That Lee has very strong feelings...

Hang on, I remember now. Our next date is next week.

Lee has very strong...

I mean the day after tomorrow.

-Lee has very...

-Tomorrow!

-Lee has...

-The day before tomorrow.

Which is today.

Our next date is today.

Blimey! Careful, Lee, you don't want to seem desperate!

Oh, but I am. Very desperate.

Come on, Rachel, what is it you wanted to say to me?

I just wanted to say that Lee has very strong feelings about...

me. And was worried about telling you

because he thought you might think he was rushing in to things.

-Doesn't affect me.

-That's what I said you'd say.

I'll see you later, my little chimpanzee.

Mmm....

Haven't you got a name for me yet?

Oh, loads.

My little...hamster.

Aw, that's so sweet!

Well, you're cute and fluffy

and you should be in a cage.

You've hardly eaten a thing.

You've got to keep your strength up, Lee.

You know what they say about third dates, don't you?

Of course I do. That's the one they say traditionally

is where you find out your girlfriend's a psychopath.

No, they say that's the one where most dates finally

consummate their relationship.

Ooh! Awkward fumblings as I try and undo the straitjacket.

Why won't you just listen to your heart, Lee?

I can't hear it, me brain's doing too much screaming.

We're in love. Stop fighting it.

Rachel, I hardly know you. And I don't want to get to know you.

I am only here because you threatened to tell Lucy I like her.

What part of that makes you think that I love you?

I think you should move in with me.

Oh, what a great idea.

Unfortunately it's against my religion to move in with someone outside marriage.

Oh, my God! I can't believe what you're asking me!

What?

The answer's yes.

I haven't asked you anything yet.

The answer's still yes.

Oh, good, cos the question was, are you a completely mental bitch?

That's no way to speak to someone

you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you, Rachel.

I'm not here to make plans,

I'm here to tell you that this has got to stop.

It is like living through Fatal Attraction.

In fact it is worse than Fatal Attraction -

at least Michael Douglas got a blowjob in the lift first.

I don't know what your problem is, Lee.

We love each other. You're free.

I'm free.

Actually, I'm not free.

What?

You were right. I was doing all this just to get Lucy jealous.

And guess what? It worked.

What are you talking about?

Me and Lucy. We're a couple now.

It happened this afternoon after you left.

And she knows everything, so you may as well leave me alone.

You're lying.

OK.

Phone her.

Will you be needing the high chair?

Well?

Why would I want to phone your precious girlfriend?

You will be sorry for this.

Oi! You have just ruined the two most expensive things I've ever bought!

I still don't see what visiting Rachel's ex-boyfriend will achieve.

I just want to know what I'm up against, that's all.

Who is it?

Hello, Paul. My name's Lee.

I want to talk to you about your ex-girlfriend Rachel.

BOLTS UNLOCKING

MORE BOLTS UNLOCKING

ALARM KEYPAD BEEPING

LOCKS TURNING

Do you know what? I think you've answered my question.

ALARM KEYPAD BEEPING

Oi!

Where's MC Hammer?

Have you tried the staff room at Argos?

What have you done with my toy hammer?

I haven't done anything with him.

Well, he was in my bed when I woke up this morning and now he's gone.

Well, once these types get what they want.

-Are you cooking?

-What do you mean?

Something we do in the south before eating.

-Have you been in all night?

-Yeah.

Apart from when I went to one of the neighbours' to pick up a parcel that had been delivered.

Did you lock the door?

No.

I only thought I was going to be gone for a minute

but we got chatting about the parcel because it was so heavy.

Why did you order so many door chains?

How could you do this?

What? You want the recipe?

I didn't do it.

-It was Rachel.

-Rachel?

I found out she was a bit bonkers, so I finished with her

and now she wants revenge on me.

Well, us.

I kind of pretended me and you had got together.

You dumped a dangerous lunatic by telling her it was all my fault?

Yes.

Go to the police, now.

I don't think I can until an explicit threat's been made.

OK. Lee, go to the police or I'll punch you in the bollocks.

GLASS SMASHING

(I think she's behind the walk-in wardrobe.)

(That's a shower.)

BOTH: Ahh!

Get her out of my bathroom.

-How?

-I don't know.

I could use the toilet, that usually shifts you.

Is that your weapon?

Would you want to be touched by it?

What are you doing in here, Rachel?

I've decided if I can't have you, Lee, then no-one can.

There's a solution - no-one has him. Well done.

Good stalking.

I'm not a stalker.

Come on. You did a Fatal Attraction job on the toy hammer.

A Single White Female by turning up in the flat.

What are you going to do next?

Tie him to the bed and break his ankles with a lump hammer?

-What?

-Kathy Bates in Misery.

Oh, yeah, I've seen that film.

Would you mind not chipping in with suggestions, please?

You made a big mistake, choosing Lucy over me.

I told you you'd regret it.

And don't bother screaming for help. No-one can save you now.

This isn't how you treat the people you love, Lee.

I'm not your little plaything.

You can't just decide you want to have a relationship with me

and then whenever you feel like it

just knock the whole thing on the head!

Ta-da! It's me, it's Daisy!

Now, be honest. Does my bum look big in this?

Well, it's been a pretty traumatic week,

but at least it proves when it comes to women, I've still got it.

You heard what the policeman said.

Rachel could have just as easily formed that attachment

to a mannequin in a shop window or a filthy, diseased tramp.

It's got nothing to do with you that she chose the latter.

Thanks, Lucy, for letting me get ready in your bedroom.

I really hate rushing. It always make me feel like I've forgotten something.

-Where are you going?

-On the hen night.

I thought you were going as Wonder Woman.

Oh, yeah. I changed my mind again.

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

No, it's Superman!

I knew I'd forgotten something.

# Yeah, not going out

# Not staying in

# Just hanging around With my head in a spin

# But there is no need To scream and shout

# Yeah, not going out

# We are not going out. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd