Escape Room Not Going Out

# We're not going out

# We're not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #

WATER DRIPS

Is this because of what I suggested after we watched

Fifty Shades Of Grey?

Happy birthday!

Can you put it back on again?

It's an escape room.

-A what?

-Well, you must have heard of them.

-It's basically a room...

-And you have to escape.

-So you do know!

-No, I just understand words.

They're like a big interactive puzzle.

The challenge is you're trapped somewhere

and you have to try and find your way out.

Right, well, call me Harry Houdini,

but my instincts are pointing that way.

We haven't started yet.

The idea is that you're faced with problems

that make the situation more difficult.

-What sort of problems?

-How do, son?

-Where's the bar?

-There's no bar, Frank.

Like I told you on the phone, it's an escape room.

When I was married to Lee's mum,

an escape room was what we called the bar.

HE LAUGHS

It must have been a very difficult one, Dad,

because you were in there for days.

-Happy birthday, Lee!

-Happy birthday!

Well, what do you think, Mum?

Oh, it's so exciting! Who knows what might happen!

Yeah, what is going to happen?

I've no idea. When you book online, they tell you nothing.

I hope you're not going to make the same mistake as last year, Lucy.

Ah, yes, the notorious Thorpe Park outing.

I don't know why everyone keeps banging on about that.

Those rides are supposed to make you scream.

When you're on them, yes, but not while you're in the queue.

Oh, this is...lovely.

Sorry we're late.

Yeah, God knows how we're going to cope with an escape room.

It took Anna three hours to get out of the bathroom.

Let's crack on and try to get this solved,

then we can get to Wetherspoons.

It's Free-Pie-With-Every-Fourth-Pint Day today.

How lovely, Frank. You can't buy class.

True, but you've certainly tried.

Look, there's an envelope on the table!

You're the birthday boy, Lee, you should open it.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah. What's the scariest thing it could be?

Tickets for Thorpe Park.

"You will see a padlock on the door.

"Use it to lock the door from the inside."

So...the adventure begins!

Oh, hang on, don't do that. We'll be locked in!

Yeah, maybe I should grab my phone from the car first

-in case of an emergency.

-Oh, for God's sake, Toby, relax!

Sorry, my husband does have an irritating tendency

to be overly cautious.

I don't know, I did say, "Until death do us part."

No, the rules are, no phones.

They were very specific about that on the e-mail.

Wendy Adams doesn't cheat.

Well done.

I hope there's someone close by in case we need to open this door.

Well, I assume you were greeted by the organisers.

No, we followed the sign that said, "Go straight to the cellar".

-Well, that's what we did.

-And us.

Look, it's all perfectly safe.

They'll be monitoring us...somehow.

Lee, they'll open the door in an emergency.

-You mean, if we want to go and buy...

-Not for drinks, Frank.

This is the worst lock-in ever.

So, now what?

When my friend Pippa did a zombie escape room, they told her nothing.

She just had to start looking for clues.

I say we begin by examining the room.

Ask yourself, what would Holmes do?

-Sherlock?

-No, Eamonn.

Presumably we should start by taking this cover off the table.

Hm! It appears to be some kind of bomb.

How exciting! Let's press the button!

Don't do that!

It's not going to kill you, Lee.

These places work on repeat business.

I know it's not going to kill us, I'm not an idiot.

But it might, you know, shoot out sparks and make a loud noise.

You mean like the ghost train?

If anyone else mentions what I was like

at Thorpe Park last year, I'll...

Scream?

Fine!

Oh, my goodness, Lee, what have you done?

-We've only got 60 minutes to live!

-You what?

Don't worry, you were obviously supposed to press the button.

There's no game without the bomb.

So we clearly need to defuse it.

There's something else written on the back of this note.

"Look inside the cupboard door."

Well, I've already looked, it's empty.

No, you looked behind the door.

You didn't look inside the door.

Ah, well done, Frank! Very clever.

Yes, well done, Frank.

All those years of hiding things

from prison wardens not completely wasted.

It's a videotape.

Oh, it's bang up to date, this experience, isn't it?

What else is in there, a ZX Spectrum and the cast of Byker Grove?

Greetings, my new friends, and welcome to my humble abode.

It may not look like much but, believe me,

it has everything you need to make your day go with a bang.

I recognise that actor. Was he in Doctor Who?

-He's not an actor.

-MAN LAUGHS EVILLY

Yeah, you can say that again.

He's a deranged madman, remember?

So, can we all get into the swing of the game, please?

Well, I'm sure I've seen him before somewhere.

MAN LAUGHS EVILLY

Yeah, well, it wasn't the BAFTAs, I'm telling you that.

By now, you're probably all wondering, "Why am I here?"

Yep.

Allow me to explain.

Life, as I see it, is one big test.

And I failed, or so society told me.

This handsome fellow was me a year ago, with my wife Penny.

This was before I was sacked from my job -

or streamlining, as they called it.

Three months after this photo was taken, she left me.

She took the kids with her.

All because I failed to make the grade.

Well, now, I'm putting you to the test.

Pass and you leave in one piece.

Fail...

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

..and you leave in hundreds of pieces.

You probably think I've got a screw loose,

but don't keep yourselves in the dark for too long.

I reckon that last bit was a clue.

Oh, well done, Toby. Nothing gets past you.

Hard to believe this is my husband's first escape room.

Did you not do the zombie escape room, Toby?

No. But I do share a bedroom with Anna.

Maybe we have to search for something.

Let's think outside the box.

He said his wife's name was Penny, short for Penelope,

who, as Homer tells us, was the wife of Odysseus.

I suspect that is the key to solving this challenge.

Found it!

Well, where did that come from?

Well, as he said, there was a screw loose, and there was,

on the back of this unit.

So I took off a panel and I found this.

-He beat you to it again, Dad.

-Hm.

Yes, or as Homer tells us, "D'oh"!

Well done, Frank, you're clearly ahead of the rest of us.

Yes, well done, Frank.

Somehow managing to get inside the mind of a bitter,

delusional alcoholic better than anyone else.

-Well, open it, then.

-How? It's a lock with numbers on.

-I think I've got it.

-Go on!

Was he the coroner in Midsomer Murders?

It's Lee's birthday, try putting in his age.

It's a three-digit padlock.

All right, try putting in Geoffrey's age.

It's quite clear to me how we should work this out.

He said we wouldn't be in the dark for long.

Now, if that's as literal as his previous clue,

all we have to do is switch the lights off, thus revealing...

Oh, yeah, it's gone dark, Geoffrey.

Who'd have guessed that's what a light switch did?

I assumed there'd be

glow-in-the-dark numbers painted on the wall.

Can someone just turn the lights on, please?!

Good God, switch them off again.

Frank, what are you doing?

You see, there's two bulbs here.

One's normal, one's ultraviolet.

If I take out the normal one...

-..it just leaves...

-Look! Frank, that's brilliant!

How do you know about UV lights?

They've got them in strip clubs.

How intriguing!

Ever worn handcuffs, Wendy?

No, Frank, but I'm sure you've had to wear a few in your time.

-What's happening?!

-Maybe they've turned them off because

someone's about to get murdered!

-I nominate Frank.

-Will someone find the bloody switch?!

-Found it!

-Argh! That's not the switch!

Sorry.

-Argh!

-What's the matter?

-Somebody just grabbed my arm!

Calm down, it's just a game!

They've put something on me! Get it off!

Right, come on, who did this?

It's probably part of the game.

Not everything that happens is part of the game, Dad.

If I suddenly kick you in the bollocks, is that part of the game?

I'd say it's worth a try.

That door is padlocked from the inside,

which means one of you lot must have done it.

So whoever it was, get them off right now!

Oh, calm down, Lee, it's not a real bomb!

It probably just shoots out confetti.

Yes, in my face!

Yeah, it could go in his eye and cause an ocular trauma.

Oh, for God's sake, Toby,

no-one ever had a traumatic experience triggered by confetti!

There's something engraved on these.

"Find the enemy within."

If that message was on the handcuffs from the start,

it means that whichever one of us did this to Lee

is in cahoots with the organisers!

How exciting! We've got a dirty rat!

And it's obvious who - Lucy. She's the one that did the booking

and the only one that's been in contact with them.

Not necessarily.

When I booked, they asked me

to provide the e-mail addresses of everyone in the group.

Seemed odd at the time, but now I know why.

-So, it's not you?

-No.

-Anna?

-It's not me.

-Toby?

-Not me either.

-Dad?

-It's not me.

Well, it's a brilliant system, Lee.

It's only a matter of time before one of them cracks.

This is pointless. It could be any one of us!

Well, except Lee. It was a surprise, so I didn't give his e-mail.

So how are we going to find out?

I say the good, old-fashioned way, let's beat it out of them.

Yes, good idea. I say we start with Frank.

There must be a logical way of working out this.

We need to examine all the clues in the room.

And I say we start...with that swan over there.

Hang on, why is he in charge?

Because in any hostage situation,

a natural order begins to take place.

One person becomes the leader,

others decide to stand on a table and become a stripper.

This is how the Nazis started.

All locked in an underground bunker with their husbands and wives?

Actually, I think that's how the Nazis ended.

Well, I'm not happy him taking the lead.

All right, Frank, if you feel so strongly,

-why don't you examine the clues?

-I will.

What's the least humiliating for you -

if I take it down, or I lift you up?

-Taking it down would be better.

-I'll lift you up, then.

How do you reach those magazines on the top shelf?

So, how could this swan tell us who the secret agent is?

Well, what do we know about swans?

Well, a female swan is called a pen.

Perhaps we could use a feather as a clue.

A young swan is a signet, also a type of ring,

which might relate to the handcuffs.

-A mute swan...

-It was Wendy.

-What?

-My dead swan.

Swap the letters around and you get -

Wendy Adams.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Well, it's either that or someone called Demys Wanda did it.

It can't be her! Tell them, Wendy!

Frank's right, it was me!

I hate this bloody game.

I got a mysterious e-mail a few days ago saying,

"Your secret mission is to handcuff someone to the bomb.

"If you succeed, your team will be rewarded with an extra clue."

-Well, what clue?

-Once you worked out it was me, I'm supposed to say,

"You need to look where I made my deal".

-Well, what does that mean?

-I've no idea.

Where did you make your deal? That's clearly where the next clue is.

Please say a Threshers.

Let's think about this.

If Wendy's agreement was made by e-mail,

well, one might say, on the web. Hm!

Whereabouts is there a web? Well, spiders have webs, and...

-Found it!

-Oh, for God's sake!

She made the deal in secret,

which some might say is under the table.

This was stuck under the table.

-Bravo!

-Very good!

Ah, please, come on, this is getting embarrassing.

I'm sure you can handle it.

No, I meant embarrassing for you.

Well, well, well!

If you're watching this, it means you've passed the first test.

Unlike me, thrown on the scrapheap at 45.

But you've got more important things to worry about,

like being handcuffed to a bomb.

BEEPING

Believe me, you don't want to be

within half a mile when that thing goes off.

-See!

-But guess what?

I'm going to be helpful and give you the key to defuse the bomb.

Oh, how wonderfully generous of the mentally unhinged gobshite!

Just pause this tape and break away the plaster

on the left-hand side of the TV

and there you'll find the key.

-Stand back.

-Seriously, stand back.

Toby is useless at DIY.

He once put up some shelves

and accidentally injured me two rooms away.

Accidentally.

Two dolls.

But each of them has got a key.

Which key do we use?

"Which key do we use?" I hear you ask.

Well, that would be telling.

One key defuses the bomb, the other one...detonates it!

Well, which key is which?

"Yeah, but which key is which?" I hear you ask.

Well, that would be telling.

"Oh, just tell us, you irritating twat!"

I hear me ask.

"Can we have another clue?" I hear you ask.

Well, look a little deeper to see the bigger picture

to find which key gives the best result.

-Well, what kind of clue is that?

-Why don't we just guess which key?

What's the worst that can happen?

Er...the bomb could explode in my face and disfigure me for life.

Why don't we just guess which key? What's the worst that can happen?

Let's think rationally.

He said to look at the bigger picture.

But there aren't any pictures.

Hang on, yes, there is.

-Where?

-On that first tape.

Remember? Earlier, he held up a picture of his wife.

-Clever!

-Well, Dad has a keen eye for other people's wives.

He told us to look closer, so let's do that.

Oh, my God! Look!

-That's weird!

-What is?

Lee, you're in the photograph.

No, I'm not. It's probably someone who just looks like me!

I wish I could tell you it was a Chuckle Brother,

but it's definitely you.

-What's going on?

-Probably just a coincidence.

A coincidence?!

I'm in that photo and I'm trapped in here, strapped to a ticking bomb!

-Is it a wind-up?

-Probably, if it's ticking.

Oh! I get it.

-What?

-You lot, you're all in on this, to freak me out.

-No, we're not.

-If we wanted to scare you,

we wouldn't need to do anything so elaborate.

We'd just take you on the log flume again.

I was the only one without a plastic poncho!

Hang on, this is even odder than we thought.

-Why?

-Because it's not just you in the photo. Toby's in it, too!

What?

That man chatting to Lee, it's you.

-Oh, yeah.

-When was this picture taken?!

Judging by Toby's jeans, I'd say 1983.

Snow-wash will have a revival.

I know exactly where that photograph was taken.

That is my department's Christmas party last year.

Do you remember, Lee, you tagged along for the free food and drink?

Right, this is getting seriously creepy now.

And I know why I recognise that guy now.

I worked with him at the hospital.

-You knew him?

-Well, hardly.

He was in IT, in the department that I joined,

but he left shortly after I'd started.

Left? He said on that tape he was sacked.

What exactly was your job in this new department?

-Doctor, of course.

-Anything else?

Well, I was brought in to implement some sort of efficiency programmes.

Which meant a bit of...streamlining.

-You got him the sack?

-Well, I could be mistaken,

it's difficult to remember, with all the staff that come and go.

So all this could be real!

That certainly explains the lack of drink.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me. If you can all rejoin me on planet Earth for a moment?

May I remind you that Lucy chose this experience, not vice versa.

Actually...that's not exactly how it happened.

-What do you mean?

-I didn't contact them, they contacted me.

I got a random e-mail.

It said, "Escape rooms - prices so cheap, we must be mad."

Ooo! Please keep talking, this just gets better and better!

I assume you checked out the company.

They must have had a website or something?

In the e-mail, he said he hadn't had a chance to set one up yet.

Said it was a brand-new experience and that we'd be the first.

He didn't say anything about us being the last, did he?

Look, he's not a maniac, this is all part of the game!

I think.

Of course, it's clearly part of the game, and Lucy's in on it.

-No, I'm not.

-How on earth would this man have got your e-mail address?

He was an IT expert, he could easily have hacked into my work e-mail.

And Lucy's copied in on various group e-mails I receive.

You know, Lee, important ones, like video clips of a drunk man

showing his arse crack at a family barbecue.

That was a very funny clip, actually.

-You didn't send it to me.

-Whose arse do you think it was?

So the man acquired Lucy's address somehow,

but if he wanted to harm Toby, why punish the rest of us?

You heard him on that tape, he's lost everything!

And now he wants Toby to lose everything, too!

Including his close friends!

But me and Geoffrey aren't his close friends!

-No offence, Toby.

-None taken.

-I'm not a close friend either.

-Still no offence.

I wouldn't even say we were particularly close.

Little bit of offence taken there, though.

All that maniac cares about

is that Toby is in here with some of his friends.

He doesn't care about the specifics!

-We're going to die!

-As I recall, you said the same thing last year

on the waltzers at Thorpe Park.

The waltzers were not being operated

by a man with a homicidal grudge against Toby!

It didn't stop you shouting hysterically

at the man spinning you around.

I was just trying to make the point

that "scream if you want to go faster"

is a system that is inherently flawed!

Tell me this, then - if the grudge is against Toby,

why did they not handcuff him to the bomb?

That is a good point.

-Actually...

-I am starting to hate the word "actually"!

I was suppose to handcuff Toby,

that's what it really said in the e-mail.

But in the darkness, I got Lee by mistake.

Well, why didn't you tell us this before?

I was worried I'd got it wrong. I thought they'd stop the game!

Well, why did he let us carry on if you'd broken the rules?

Well, he didn't let us carry on, did he? He's not here!

He's probably 50 miles away, waiting for this bomb to explode!

Don't be stupid. He's upstairs with the rest of the game's organisers,

listening in and laughing at your ridiculous rantings!

-Actually...

-Don't you start!

He's not. There's nobody upstairs.

When I turned up, I was desperate for the bog,

so I went searching.

Trust me, we're in a derelict old building in the middle of nowhere.

And you tell us this now?

Well, I don't know how this works, do I?!

I've never done it before!

Normal people celebrate their birthday

by opening a can of Special Brew

and sticking a candle in a Mr Kipling!

There's a poetry to the sadness of your life, isn't there, Frank?

Right, enough is enough!

If this is somebody's idea of an elaborate joke, it's not funny!

So this is your last chance to tell me...right now!

-Well, it's not us.

-Look, I really did work with him at the hospital

and I really could have got him the sack.

And he really did e-mail me out of the blue, I swear to God!

-Dad?

-Me?

My idea of an elaborate wind-up

is breaking wind when you pull my finger!

-It's not us.

-Wendy and I wouldn't do anything like this.

Seeing you teary last year on Billy Badger's Big Bumpy Boat...

..that was embarrassing enough, Lee.

I wouldn't want to go through all that again.

-Oh, my God, it is real!

-No, it isn't!

Nobody puts a digital timer on a bomb!

Look, it's even got a switch on the back to turn the bloody thing off!

RAPID BEEPING

Oh!

Funny how time seems to go faster when you're enjoying yourself.

DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL

Oh, good! He's included some dramatic music

because this isn't quite tense enough!

-Geoffrey, what have you done?

-Nothing! It isn't real!

-Is it?

-Yes, it is! We're going to die!

-And it's all my fault!

-None of us are dead yet!

We've still got a chance of solving the puzzles and getting out of here!

Frank, you're the problem-solving genius, which is the right key?

Oh! Er... I don't know!

Oh, you see, when we really need him, he's got nothing!

You're just jealous because I'm better than you at doing mammograms!

The word is anagrams, you imbecile!

Stop it, the pair of you! Now think, and quickly.

The man said, "Look back at the old clues."

Yes, and we did that, and we made the connection to Toby.

But how does that help us now?

Well, last time, when we worked out that Wendy was the secret agent,

it was linked to the swan.

This time, it might link Toby to the dolls.

Yeah, but we don't have an anagram this time,

we only have the letters A and B.

All right, all right, all right, let's think about this.

Two Victorian dolls, each with a key,

both made of fine biscuit porcelain.

What do we know about fine biscuit porcelain?!

-Got it!

-You can't have!

-I have! It's, er...

-Don't!

Don't...don't say it, just give me a minute!

You what?! RAPID BEEPING

You'll be kicking yourselves.

I'll be bloody kicking you if you don't say it!

Oh, for God's sake, just spit it out!

It's an anagram of Toby - Toy B.

Goddamn it!

RAPID BEEPING

Wait! What are you doing?!

It's the key from Toy B.

The man said, "Choose the key which gives the best result,"

but the best result for who?!

The best result for him is if we blow ourselves up!

-So, do you think I should use the other key?

-I don't know!

Quickly! RAPID BEEPING

RELIEVED SIGHS

Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I thoroughly enjoyed that.

Perhaps you're all now willing to accept that this was just a game.

Bit of a coincidence, that man being a colleague of Toby's,

whether Toby got him the sack or not.

Well, flukes happen all the time.

I mean, look at Frank, solving all those clues.

Now, can we go to the pub, please?

Well, not quite. We still have to find a way to uncuff me.

And open the door.

Oh, well, the door's an easy one,

that's obviously what Key B is for. Toby?

It fits.

RAPID BEEPING

TIMER BEEPS

SIREN WAILS

What's going on?!

-Oh, my God!

-Open the door!

I can't! It won't open!

THEY YELL

Looks like you passed the test, Toby, but who cares?

I hate tests, and I hate you!

You know, most people

would just have stopped sending Christmas cards!

RAPID BEEPING

You're going to regret getting me sacked, Toby.

We're all going to die!

For once in your life, Toby, do something!

Oh, don't you worry - if I get out of here alive,

I'm going to have some pretty harsh things to say

about all of this on TripAdvisor!

RAPID BEEPING

It's going to blow!

THEY SHRIEK

RAPID BEEPING

SIREN WAILS

Prepare to die!

THEY SCREAM

RAPID BEEPING

BEEP!

BEEPING TO THE TUNE OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

# Happy birthday to me

# It was hilarious to see

# You all hide from a pretend bomb

# That was put there by me. #

Hip-hip!

No?

So, are you saying you arranged all this, Lee?

Yep!

With more than a little help from Greg.

Who the hell's Greg?

The IT bloke from Toby's work.

I got chatting to him at that Christmas party last year.

Told me that he'd handed his notice in.

-So, Toby didn't get him sacked?

-Nope!

He was leaving anyway, to start his own business -

-escape rooms.

-You got him to e-mail Lucy.

See, Geoffrey, you can get the clues when they're a little bit easier.

So, how did you know I'd sign up for it?

Because, Lucy, I knew, like every year,

that you would leave my birthday arrangements until the last minute

and sign up to anything.

I was just a bit surprised you did it without a Wowcher being involved.

-They're in my pocket, by the way.

-What are?

The keys. They've been there the whole time.

Big one opens the padlock on the door,

little one opens the handcuffs.

Why? Why go to all this effort?

Because, Geoffrey, perhaps now

we've got a different topic of conversation

other than how scared I was last year at Thorpe Park.

You scared us all senseless for that?

Here's us thinking we've been lured here by a madman

hell-bent on revenge.

When all along, we've been lured here

by a madman hell-bent on revenge.

Come on, everyone, pub.

Er...aren't you forgetting something?

Aren't you going to unlock me?

See if you can solve this riddle -

My first is in "never" and "no chance" and "no".

The second is in "bollocks to you".

Hang on! You can't just leave me here!

Come on, Lucy, it was only a bit of fun!

Oh, well, lucky you! You get to enjoy it for several more hours.

Are you winding me up?

Ha!

No!

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Well, some people can't take a joke.

# We're not going out

# We're not staying in

# Just hanging around with my head in a spin

# But there is no need to scream and shout

# We're not going out

# We are not going out. #