Episode 1 Old Jews Telling Jokes

This programme contains some strong language

There is an old rabbi who wants to try eating pork before he dies.

Being an Orthodox rabbi, he can't go ahead

and eat pork in his community, so he decides to travel about 50 miles.

On the restaurant menu there's a dish called suckling pig.

So he orders the suckling pig, and they bring it out on a beautiful tray, with an apple in his mouth.

Just as he's about to take his first bite, in walks Goldberg, the president of his congregation.

Goldberg says "Rabbi, what are you eating?!"

He says "Goldberg, can you believe this place?

"I ordered a baked apple, and this is how they serve it to me!"

LAUGHTER

A guy goes to his doctor, who says "Look, I don't know

"how to tell you this, but you just have to stop masturbating."

The guy says "why?"

He says "so I can examine you!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew are walking through the desert,

and it is so hot in this desert.

And they are schlepping along, and trudging and trudging.

And the Frenchman says "I am so tired, and I am thirsty and tired.

"I must have some French wine."

So the German's trudging,

and he says "I am hot, I am tired, and I am thirsty.

"I must have some good German beer."

They walk a little further, and the Jewish guy says "Oy, am I tired, am I thirsty?

"I must, I must...

"I must have diabetes!"

LAUGHTER

So, Schmudel goes to the doctor, and he says "Doc, I got a problem.

"I got seven kids, I don't want any more kids.

"And I'd like to have a vasectomy.

So the doctor says "You know how much it costs?" He says "No."

He says "10,000."

"10,000?! I can't afford that."

"Here's what you do.

"Go get yourself a can of soda. Drink the soda,

"go buy a firecracker.

"You like the firecracker, you put it in the can,

"and you put it to your ear and you count to 10."

So Shmudel says "That's going to help me?" He says "Yeah."

So he goes out and buys a can of soda, and drinks the soda,

lights the firecracker, puts the firecracker in the can,

puts the can to his ear, and he says "One, two, three, four, five..."

.."Six, seven..."

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Sam Mandelbaum came home from work, and he finds his wife

scantily dressed in front of the mirror, preening herself.

When she sees him, she says

"Oh, Sammy, I had the most wonderful report from Dr Goldstein today.

"He said I had the body of a 35-year-old,

"I had the face of a 30-year-old, the hair of a 25-year-old."

And Sam says "Yeah? What did he say about your big fat ass?"

"Sam, we didn't talk about you, darling, at all!"

LAUGHTER

Another couple, but they're friendly, is in a supermarket.

She has a problem though - she steals. She's a kleptomaniac.

She steals a can of fruit.

She's taken before the magistrate.

The magistrate says

"Sarah, how could you do something like that. What did you take?"

She says "Well, I just took one can of peaches."

"Peaches you took. How many peaches?"

She said "I think there were six peaches in the can."

He says "Sarah, you are going to go to jail for six nights.

"That's it, it's final."

She said, "Oh my God."

Her husband stands up and says -

"Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas..."

APPLAUSE

Sybie, who is almost 90 years old,

weighs maybe 100 pounds soaking wet,

walks up behind the head lumberjack, taps him on the shoulder,

and says "excuse me, but I'd like a job chopping down trees."

The lumberjack, 6 foot 4, 275 pounds of muscle,

turns around and looks at the skinny little old Sybie,

and says "You've got to be kidding.

"This is a tough job, not for little old men like you,

"and besides, when did you ever work before chopping down trees?"

"Well I'll have you know I used to work at the Sahara Forest."

The lumberjack looks and says "You mean the Sahara Desert?"

He says "Oh - now!"

LAUGHTER

Jake and Becky are an old couple dating. They decide tonight's the night.

In her apartment, Jake says "I've got to go to the bathroom."

He goes to the bathroom, comes back out,

and there's Becky standing on her head, legs akimbo,

pants down, dress over her head. "Becky, what are you doing?"

She says "I figured if you can't get it up, you could drop it in!"

LAUGHTER

So these three old Jews are sitting on an island,

traffic going down Broadway, as they do on most Sunday mornings.

One of them says "Getting old, oh, I hate it, I just can't stand it."

The other one says "Max, what's wrong with you?"

He says "Being 85 years old, it's just every morning I get up,

"it's seven o'clock, I go to pee,

"I stand, I push, I squeeze, nothing comes out,

"it's a little dribble, dribble, dribble,

"if I'm lucky. It's terrible!"

He says "I know what you mean."

He says "What's your problem?"

He says "Every morning, I try and move my bowels.

"I push, I squeeze, I grunt. Maybe raisins, if I'm lucky. It's terrible."

The third guy says "I know what you mean. It's just awful."

"What's your problem, Saul?"

"Well, every morning, seven o'clock, I pee like a golden fountain.

"Eight o'clock, I have a nice bowel movement, nice juicy plums."

"What's wrong with that?"

He says "I don't get out of bed until nine!"

LAUGHTER

Four yentas are having lunch in a restaurant.

The waiter comes up to their table, and says "Good afternoon, ladies!

"Is anything all right?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So this 98-year-old man goes into a sperm bank.

And he says "Excuse me, I would like to make a deposit."

And the nurse behind the counter says "OK, how old are you?"

"I'm 98, and if by that question, you are questioning

"whether I am capable of making a deposit, you are certainly mistaken.

"You see, all my parts are in perfect working order.

"As my wife, Sadie, would attest.

"But she can't come here today because my parts are in such working order.

"She can't come here today because she is so tired, you understand?

"I want to make a deposit, and I want to make it right now."

She says "All right, all right. Here's a jar, you go in that room.

"Do you need a magazine?"

"I don't need no magazines."

All right, he goes in the room, about 30 seconds go by,

and the nurse hears "Huuueewwee."

"Hooooooeeee."

"Hooooeeeee huuuuuooooo."

"Wahhhhhh Oooohhhhhh."

And she knocks on the door, and she says "Are you all right?"

And he says "I'm having trouble opening the jar!"

LAUGHTER

A woman went into the greengrocer,

and asked the clerk for a pound of broccoli.

"Oh man, I'm so sorry, we just don't have any broccoli today.

"How about a pound of spinach?"

"Oh, OK, I'll have a pound a broccoli."

"But we don't have broccoli. How about a pound of string beans?"

"Ermmmm, all right, I'll have a pound of broccoli."

"Ma'am, we just don't have any broccoli. How about some asparagus?"

"No, I'll have a pound of broccoli."

Exasperated, he said to her "Ma'am, can you spell cat,

"as in catastrophic?"

"Of course, C-A-T."

"Can you spell dog, as in dogmatic?"

She says "Of course, D-O-G."

"Can you spell fuck, as in broccoli?"

"There's no fuck in broccoli!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"That's what I was trying to tell you..."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Three guys are going to be executed. A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew.

They each get a chance to pick their last meal.

They ask the Italian "What do you want?"

He said "Pasta primavera.

"I love pasta primavera."

So they bring him the pasta, he eats it, they shoot him.

They say to the Frenchman, "What would you like?"

The Frenchman said "Filet mignon. Bring me a huge filet mignon."

He eats it, they shoot him.

They say to the Jew, "What would you like?"

And the Jew goes "Strawberries."

They say "Strawberries?!

"We don't have any strawberries, they're out of season!"

The Jew goes "I'll wait!"

LAUGHTER

There's a very wealthy man who likes exotic pets.

He goes into a pet store and he says

"I would like the most exotic pet that you have in the store."

The pet store owner says "I happen to have something.

"It's a centipede that talks, and sings opera."

He says "It talks and sings?"

He says "Yeah, come."

So they get the centipede out. He actually carries on a conversation with the centipede.

The centipede start singing, he says "I'll take it," and pays.

He gets this little house that the centipede lives in.

He brings it home, he's having a great time. The centipede sings for him, he carries on conversations.

He says "I have to share this with my friends." He says to him "Come on, we'll go down to the bar,

"we'll have a drink, I'll show you off to my friends, we'll have a great time."

No response.

"Come on! We'll go down to the bar, we'll have a drink, and have a good time."

Still no response.

He goes and starts banging on this little house where the centipede is.

"Come on, come on, come on! "We're going to go down."

The centipede sticks its head out and says

"I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my shoes!"

LAUGHTER

Mr Robinowitz hires a little girl to work in his office,

and she's a beauty.

And he's got the hots for her.

He tries to make talk with her, and she ignores him.

One day he says "Let me take you out to dinner.

"You can have anything you want."

She says "OK."

So he takes to this high-class restaurant,

and they sit down, and she sits, and she orders a double lobster cocktail,

and a big bowl of soup, and a gorgeous salad,

and a big steak with all the trimmings,

crepes Suzette for dessert.

And she orders a bottle of champagne. He's looking at her.

He says "Tell me, darling,

"your mother cooks for you like this?"

She says "My mother is not looking to fuck me!"

LAUGHTER

Man goes into a Jewish food store,

and he tells the clerk

"Mister, do you have dates?"

He says "Dates? I don't have dates."

He said "OK, do you have nuts?"

"Why would I have nuts?

"I would have dates."

LAUGHTER

So Jake and Becky are married for 50 years.

It is their 50th anniversary.

Becky asks Jake, "Jake, all these years,

"have you been faithful to me?"

"Of course. Never have I strayed in 50 years. And you, Becky?"

"Well..." "Becky, did you hear me?

She says "Yeah, I heard you, Jake."

He says "You're not answering."

She says "Well, I'm telling you - three times."

"Three times?! Tell me!"

"Don't worry, Jake. The first time, remember, you opened up that little dry goods store on Main Street,

"you had trouble getting a favourable lease

"because of that momzer landlord?

"I went to see the landlord. You got the favourable lease, didn't you?"

He says "You're right." "Second time Jake, you remember you were having financial difficulties,

"and you wanted to get a loan at the bank?

"The loan officer wouldn't lend you a nickel. You got your loan, didn't you, Jake?"

He says "That's true. What was the third time?"

She says "Remember a couple of years ago,

"you ran for president at the Temple, and you were 15 votes shy?"

LAUGHTER

This old Jewish man is walking in the Sinai Desert

and he kicks something hard.

He bends down and it's an urn.

He picks up the urn and a genie comes out of the urn and says,

"I will grant you two wishes."

And the old Jewish man says,

"OK, here's my first wish."

He gets down on one knee and with his finger, he makes a map in the sand.

And he says, "Look, here's Israel, here's Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Yemen, Saudi Arabia."

He says, "My first wish is... I want to make it all Israel."

The genie says, "Not going to happen. It's absolutely impossible."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, why?"

He says, "We've got thousands and thousands of years of culture

"and language and boundaries and territories.

"It's impossible, I cannot do it."

So the old Jewish man says, "All right, well,

"for my second wish, I wish my wife Becky will perform oral sex on me."

And the genie says, "Let me take a look at that map one more time."

LAUGHTER

These two ladies meet and she says, "Hi, how are you doing?

"I haven't seen you for a while,

"how's your husband?"

"Oh, my husband, he's such a wonderful man. He's a doll.

"Every Shabbos, he brings home a bouquet of flowers for me."

She said, "Flowers, I hate flowers. I can't stand flowers." "Why?"

"Because you know what I have to do when he comes home with flowers?"

"What?"

"I have to lie down and spread my legs."

"Oh, my, don't you have a vase?!"

LAUGHTER

Two Hasidic Jews...

Sam and Abe, own a garment business. They strike it rich, they really are making a lot of money.

They go to the tailor, Pincus, to get new suits.

They say, "Pincus, we want new suits, but this time, we want them to be black."

"It's got to be black black." And the guy they go to is Marcus Pincus, the tailor and they say,

"Marcus Pincus, we want black suits."

"Last time, the suits were a dark grey, or something."

"Not red black, not green black, not a purple black, it's got to be black."

"We want them to be black."

Pincus says, "OK, I guarantee they'll be black.

"In fact, I'm going to use the same cloth I use to make habits for nuns."

"I'm going to make you suits like... You're going to love it."

They come back in two weeks, put the suits on, they fit beautifully.

The Jews are walking down the street in their new suits

and they see two nuns walking towards them.

They look at each other and say, "You know, it doesn't look black."

And they walk over to the nuns

and one of them grabs one of the nuns' sleeves and holds it up next to his suit.

And they're like this, it's like this.

So one nun says to the other, "Did you see, they were touching us! No respect, it was awful."

"What did they say?" The nun says, "Well, I think they said something in Latin."

"What do you mean, Latin?" "One said to the other..."

"Pincus fucked us."

LAUGHTER

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because no Jewish woman will touch anything

that's not 20% off.

LAUGHTER

A man is driving down the highway one day.

He sees a sign by the side of the road. It says, "Talking dog inside."

Doesn't have very much to do that day, so figures he'll check it out.

So he goes inside, man behind the counter.

He says, "I understand that you have a talking dog."

He says, "Yes, I do." He says, "Can I see it?"

He says, "Sure, go round the back, you'll see the talking dog."

So he goes round to the back of the store and, sure enough,

there's an old mangy dog, lying there in the corner.

He goes up to the dog and says, "Excuse me, are you the talking dog?"

And the dog looks up and says, "Yes, I am."

He says, "Well, that's amazing! How did you learn how to talk?"

"Really, there's not much I can tell you.

"When I was growing up, all my other litter mates, they would bark,

"they would howl, but I would talk. It just came naturally."

"He says, "That's an amazing thing.

"Did you ever do anything to capitalise on this amazing talent of yours?"

He said, "Oh, yes, shortly after I reached adulthood,

"I was a young dog, I joined the CIA.

"They assigned me to go behind the Iron Curtain.

"I went to Warsaw, I went to Prague, I spent some time in Moscow.

"People would talk freely in front of me, because I'm a dog,

"and then I would report back to my case officer.

"We had many intelligence coups that way."

He says, "That's really sensational! Did you do anything after the CIA?"

He says, "Yeah, I went to work for the State Department,

"I was at the Court of St James, I was at the American Embassy in London,

"I went to Paris, I served several years there.

"Frankly, I got tired of being away from home.

"I came back here and met a beautiful female dog, we got married

"and we have a beautiful litter and I'm settled down now. This is what I'm doing."

He says, "That's sensational. Wait a minute, I'll be right back."

He goes around to the front of the store and he says,

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to sell this dog?"

He says, "Sure, I'd be willing to sell him."

"How much would you want for this dog?"

He says, "10."

"10?! For a dog that's so fantastic?!"

He says, "Ah, he's full of shit, he never did any of those things."

Fella from the golf course, just before he hits the ball,

a ball comes down and hits him and, "Oh, oh, oh!"

Terrible pain, terrible pain.

Cart comes up, young lady jumps out. She says, "Oh, sir, I'm terribly sorry you're in such pain."

"It's OK, it's OK."

She says, "I'm a nurse, I wonder if I can help relieve the pain?"

He says, "OK, OK, go ahead."

She goes over, she unzips his fly, reaches in and starts to massage him.

About a minute later, she says, "How's it feel?"

"Oh, it feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken."

LAUGHTER

There's a rabbis' convention in Las Vegas.

And Rabbi Schwarz goes up to his room

and he's unpacking

and there's a knock at the door. He goes to the door, opens it,

and there's a beautiful blonde standing there, in a mink coat.

She steps in the room and she opens up the mink coat

and she's totally naked.

He says, "What's this?"

"She says, "I'm a gift from Rabbi Goldberg."

"Rabbi Goldberg?! How dare he do this?

"I'm a religious man, he's a religious man,

"we are here on a religious convention!"

And he picks up the phone, dials and says,

"Give me Rabbi Goldberg's room! Hello, Rabbi Goldberg.

"How dare you do such a thing? This is a terrible thing,

"I'm reporting you to the Rabbinical Society!"

Just as he's talking, the girl starts to walk away.

He says, "Where are you going? I'm mad at him, not you!"

This couple is in divorce court and they're before the judge and the judge grants them a divorce.

And the woman says, "Wait a minute, I want a get."

And the judge says, "What's a get?"

"It's a Jewish divorce." "Well, what is a get?"

"It's a kind of ceremony, a Jewish ceremony."

And the judge says, "You mean a ceremony like a bris?"

And she says, "Yes, except you get rid of the whole prick."

LAUGHTER

A flea goes to a travel agent and says,

"I've worked really hard, I'd like to take a vacation."

The travel agent says, "Where would you like to go?"

The flea says, "I have no real preference.

"Just some place nice and warm."

So the travel agent looks in different books and he says,

"I've got just the place for you."

"I can book seven days in Ringo Starr's hair.

"Ringo Starr is in Nice, France.

"It's nice and warm, you should have a great time."

So the flea says, "OK."

Four days later, the flea comes back to the travel agent.

The travel agent says, "What's the matter?"

He said, "That was terrible!

"Ringo Starr stays in his room all the time, plays the drums.

"I got a headache, it was terrible."

Travel agent says, "Well, let's see.

"We can book seven days in Omar Sharif's moustache.

"Omar Sharif's going to be in Monte Carlo.

"You'll have a great time there."

So, the flea says, "Great." He goes there.

Four days later, he's back.

The travel agent says, "What's the matter?"

"Omar Sharif, he plays bridge all the time,

"he's in the casino, I never saw sunlight.

"It was a horrible vacation."

The travel agent says, "Man, you're difficult.

"Let's see what we can do for you."

He looks and he says, "This one, you'll love.

"I can book seven days for you in Brigitte Bardot's muff."

He says, "Brigitte Bardot's muff? That sounds great!

"Where's she going to be?" He says, "San Tropez. Nice and warm, sunny."

The flea says, "I'll go." Four days later, the flea's back.

The travel agent says, "I don't believe it! What happened?"

He says, "Well, every day, she was out in the sun by the pool,

"she was listening to great music,

"people were waiting on us hand and foot."

The travel agent says, "What was wrong?"

He says, "Four days later, I was in Omar Sharif's moustache again."

LAUGHTER

Mr Ginsberg is a resident of Rossmore.

He's ready to go to Florida for the winter,

and he goes to see Dr Schwarz, an internist.

The doctor says, "What's the problem?"

He says, "Well, I've been having these silent gas emissions

"and I just don't know what to do with it.

"It's causing a lot of embarrassment."

The doctor says, "Tell me about it."

"The other night, we were playing bridge, my wife and I were at the Grossmans', and during the evening,

"I probably had six or eight of these silent gas emissions

"and created a bit of a noxious odour, but they were all silent,

"so they were really no problem.

"We went home, and it happened the other night at dinner,

"so I decided to come and see you.

"As a matter of fact,

"I've had eight or ten of these incidents as I sit here today. What can you do for me, doctor?"

"The first thing I'll do is send you to a hearing specialist."

LAUGHTER

Fella named Joe is at the barber shop. Dominic is his barber.

He says, "Dominic, I won't be here in three weeks for my usual haircut.

"My wife and I are taking a trip with her friends."

"Where are you going?" "We're going to Italy, planning to go to Rome."

"Rome? Terrible, terrible place.

"Why don't you go to Palermo, where I'm from?

"How are you getting there?" "We're flying Alitalia."

"Alitalia? Terrible airline, why did you choose it?"

"Where are you staying in Rome?" "The Hassler." "The Hassler?!

"For tourists, a horrible place. What do you expect to do in Rome?"

He said, "Well, the primary thing was get to the Vatican, have an audience, see the Pope."

"Looking at the Pope will be like looking at my thumb from two football fields away, you'll see.

"Should've checked with me before you spent the money."

Sure enough, about four weeks later, Joe is back in the barber shop.

Dominic says, "Well, I was right, wasn't I?"

"Boy, were you wrong, Rome was a beautiful place,

"couldn't have been nicer.

"Alitalia is perfect. I can't imagine what anyone could've done better."

"How about The Hassler?" "The Hassler was a wonderful hotel.

"It might not compare with the hotels in the Persian Gulf,

"but it was spectacular."

He said, "You'll grant me that I was right about the Pope?" He said, "I was getting to that.

"My wife and I were in the Vatican, we went to the Sistine Chapel with our friends.

"We were leaning against the wall in the chapel,

"looking at the wonderful ceiling, when suddenly the wall moves.

"It's a secret door. There were two priests.

"They beckoned to the four of us and led us into this tiny chapel

"that was absolutely spectacular, very small, absolutely gorgeous.

"Not ten feet away, the holy father himself, the Pope, is sitting there.

"He beckons the four of us come closer

"and puts his arm to my shoulder and looks right into my eyes.

"He said, "Son, I want to bless you and your family and your friends.

"But I have to tell you, I've been Pope now for ten years.

"In every one of those years, perhaps 320, 330 days,

"I give an audience to the faithful, here in St Peter's Square.

"Perhaps there are between 300,000, 500,000 people at each of those audiences.

"About half of them are men. A little simple arithmetic,

"you can figure out how many men I've seen in those days.

"In all that time, I have never seen a worse haircut."

LAUGHTER

This man goes to see his rabbi.

He says, "Rabbi, my wife is poisoning me. I know she's poisoning me!"

And the rabbi says, "Calm down!"

"No, I know, but I need your advice.

"I don't know what to do."

The rabbi says, "Well, give me a chance to talk with her, then I'll get back to you."

So, about three days later, the rabbi calls the guy and he says,

"I had a long talk with your wife. I talked to her for three hours."

And he says, "Yes, so what's your advice?"

"Take the poison."

LAUGHTER

Mr Rabinowitz is suffering from a malady that nobody can diagnose.

They've gone up to Mass General,

Mount Sinai, University of California, University of Chicago.

Nobody can tell them what's happening.

They finally go to a famous physician. "Mr Rabinowitz, what's bothering you?"

He runs him through a battery of tests.

Lo and behold, they discover what's wrong.

"Mr Rabinowitz, is your wife here?" "Yes, in the waiting room."

She says, "Doctor, what's the matter with my Irving?"

"Mr Rabinowitz has a very, very rare disease.

"It's almost invariably fatal. There's only one cure for that."

"Yes, anything!" "The only thing that will help him is oral sex."

"What?!" "Oral sex, do you know what that means?" "Oh, yeah, oral sex, I know."

She goes out and he says, "Sadie, Sadie, what's the doctor said?"

"You're going to die!"

LAUGHTER

These two couples get married.

They went for dinner at one of the houses and afterwards,

the husbands are talking in the living room

and the women in the kitchen.

And one man said, "I was at this restaurant yesterday.

"For 12, you can eat five meals. It's unbelievable, fantastic and the food was delicious."

He said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

He said, "Er, the name of the restaurant? I forgot the name of the restaurant.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's that flower?

It's a red flower... It smells good, it's got thorns on it..."

He said, "You mean a rose?" He said, "Yeah, that's it!

"Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant?"

LAUGHTER

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