Episode 1 Old Jews Telling Jokes


Episode 1

In the fine tradition of American Jewish humour, a group of pensioners from all walks of life gather together to tell their favourite jokes.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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There is an old rabbi who wants to try eating pork before he dies.

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Being an Orthodox rabbi, he can't go ahead

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and eat pork in his community, so he decides to travel about 50 miles.

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On the restaurant menu there's a dish called suckling pig.

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So he orders the suckling pig, and they bring it out on a beautiful tray, with an apple in his mouth.

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Just as he's about to take his first bite, in walks Goldberg, the president of his congregation.

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Goldberg says "Rabbi, what are you eating?!"

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He says "Goldberg, can you believe this place?

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"I ordered a baked apple, and this is how they serve it to me!"

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LAUGHTER

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A guy goes to his doctor, who says "Look, I don't know

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"how to tell you this, but you just have to stop masturbating."

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The guy says "why?"

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He says "so I can examine you!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew are walking through the desert,

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and it is so hot in this desert.

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And they are schlepping along, and trudging and trudging.

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And the Frenchman says "I am so tired, and I am thirsty and tired.

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"I must have some French wine."

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So the German's trudging,

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and he says "I am hot, I am tired, and I am thirsty.

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"I must have some good German beer."

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They walk a little further, and the Jewish guy says "Oy, am I tired, am I thirsty?

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"I must, I must...

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"I must have diabetes!"

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LAUGHTER

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So, Schmudel goes to the doctor, and he says "Doc, I got a problem.

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"I got seven kids, I don't want any more kids.

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"And I'd like to have a vasectomy.

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So the doctor says "You know how much it costs?" He says "No."

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He says "10,000."

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"10,000?! I can't afford that."

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"Here's what you do.

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"Go get yourself a can of soda. Drink the soda,

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"go buy a firecracker.

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"You like the firecracker, you put it in the can,

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"and you put it to your ear and you count to 10."

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So Shmudel says "That's going to help me?" He says "Yeah."

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So he goes out and buys a can of soda, and drinks the soda,

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lights the firecracker, puts the firecracker in the can,

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puts the can to his ear, and he says "One, two, three, four, five..."

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.."Six, seven..."

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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Sam Mandelbaum came home from work, and he finds his wife

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scantily dressed in front of the mirror, preening herself.

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When she sees him, she says

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"Oh, Sammy, I had the most wonderful report from Dr Goldstein today.

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"He said I had the body of a 35-year-old,

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"I had the face of a 30-year-old, the hair of a 25-year-old."

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And Sam says "Yeah? What did he say about your big fat ass?"

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"Sam, we didn't talk about you, darling, at all!"

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LAUGHTER

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Another couple, but they're friendly, is in a supermarket.

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She has a problem though - she steals. She's a kleptomaniac.

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She steals a can of fruit.

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She's taken before the magistrate.

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The magistrate says

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"Sarah, how could you do something like that. What did you take?"

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She says "Well, I just took one can of peaches."

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"Peaches you took. How many peaches?"

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She said "I think there were six peaches in the can."

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He says "Sarah, you are going to go to jail for six nights.

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"That's it, it's final."

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She said, "Oh my God."

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Her husband stands up and says -

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"Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas..."

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APPLAUSE

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Sybie, who is almost 90 years old,

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weighs maybe 100 pounds soaking wet,

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walks up behind the head lumberjack, taps him on the shoulder,

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and says "excuse me, but I'd like a job chopping down trees."

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The lumberjack, 6 foot 4, 275 pounds of muscle,

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turns around and looks at the skinny little old Sybie,

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and says "You've got to be kidding.

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"This is a tough job, not for little old men like you,

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"and besides, when did you ever work before chopping down trees?"

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"Well I'll have you know I used to work at the Sahara Forest."

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The lumberjack looks and says "You mean the Sahara Desert?"

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He says "Oh - now!"

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LAUGHTER

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Jake and Becky are an old couple dating. They decide tonight's the night.

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In her apartment, Jake says "I've got to go to the bathroom."

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He goes to the bathroom, comes back out,

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and there's Becky standing on her head, legs akimbo,

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pants down, dress over her head. "Becky, what are you doing?"

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She says "I figured if you can't get it up, you could drop it in!"

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LAUGHTER

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So these three old Jews are sitting on an island,

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traffic going down Broadway, as they do on most Sunday mornings.

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One of them says "Getting old, oh, I hate it, I just can't stand it."

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The other one says "Max, what's wrong with you?"

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He says "Being 85 years old, it's just every morning I get up,

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"it's seven o'clock, I go to pee,

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"I stand, I push, I squeeze, nothing comes out,

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"it's a little dribble, dribble, dribble,

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"if I'm lucky. It's terrible!"

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He says "I know what you mean."

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He says "What's your problem?"

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He says "Every morning, I try and move my bowels.

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"I push, I squeeze, I grunt. Maybe raisins, if I'm lucky. It's terrible."

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The third guy says "I know what you mean. It's just awful."

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"What's your problem, Saul?"

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"Well, every morning, seven o'clock, I pee like a golden fountain.

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"Eight o'clock, I have a nice bowel movement, nice juicy plums."

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"What's wrong with that?"

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He says "I don't get out of bed until nine!"

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LAUGHTER

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Four yentas are having lunch in a restaurant.

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The waiter comes up to their table, and says "Good afternoon, ladies!

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"Is anything all right?"

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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So this 98-year-old man goes into a sperm bank.

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And he says "Excuse me, I would like to make a deposit."

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And the nurse behind the counter says "OK, how old are you?"

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"I'm 98, and if by that question, you are questioning

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"whether I am capable of making a deposit, you are certainly mistaken.

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"You see, all my parts are in perfect working order.

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"As my wife, Sadie, would attest.

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"But she can't come here today because my parts are in such working order.

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"She can't come here today because she is so tired, you understand?

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"I want to make a deposit, and I want to make it right now."

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She says "All right, all right. Here's a jar, you go in that room.

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"Do you need a magazine?"

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"I don't need no magazines."

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All right, he goes in the room, about 30 seconds go by,

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and the nurse hears "Huuueewwee."

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"Hooooooeeee."

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"Hooooeeeee huuuuuooooo."

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"Wahhhhhh Oooohhhhhh."

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And she knocks on the door, and she says "Are you all right?"

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And he says "I'm having trouble opening the jar!"

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LAUGHTER

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A woman went into the greengrocer,

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and asked the clerk for a pound of broccoli.

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"Oh man, I'm so sorry, we just don't have any broccoli today.

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"How about a pound of spinach?"

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"Oh, OK, I'll have a pound a broccoli."

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"But we don't have broccoli. How about a pound of string beans?"

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"Ermmmm, all right, I'll have a pound of broccoli."

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"Ma'am, we just don't have any broccoli. How about some asparagus?"

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"No, I'll have a pound of broccoli."

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Exasperated, he said to her "Ma'am, can you spell cat,

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"as in catastrophic?"

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"Of course, C-A-T."

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"Can you spell dog, as in dogmatic?"

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She says "Of course, D-O-G."

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"Can you spell fuck, as in broccoli?"

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"There's no fuck in broccoli!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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"That's what I was trying to tell you..."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Three guys are going to be executed. A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew.

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They each get a chance to pick their last meal.

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They ask the Italian "What do you want?"

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He said "Pasta primavera.

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"I love pasta primavera."

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So they bring him the pasta, he eats it, they shoot him.

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They say to the Frenchman, "What would you like?"

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The Frenchman said "Filet mignon. Bring me a huge filet mignon."

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He eats it, they shoot him.

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They say to the Jew, "What would you like?"

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And the Jew goes "Strawberries."

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They say "Strawberries?!

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"We don't have any strawberries, they're out of season!"

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The Jew goes "I'll wait!"

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LAUGHTER

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There's a very wealthy man who likes exotic pets.

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He goes into a pet store and he says

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"I would like the most exotic pet that you have in the store."

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The pet store owner says "I happen to have something.

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"It's a centipede that talks, and sings opera."

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He says "It talks and sings?"

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He says "Yeah, come."

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So they get the centipede out. He actually carries on a conversation with the centipede.

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The centipede start singing, he says "I'll take it," and pays.

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He gets this little house that the centipede lives in.

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He brings it home, he's having a great time. The centipede sings for him, he carries on conversations.

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He says "I have to share this with my friends." He says to him "Come on, we'll go down to the bar,

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"we'll have a drink, I'll show you off to my friends, we'll have a great time."

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No response.

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"Come on! We'll go down to the bar, we'll have a drink, and have a good time."

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Still no response.

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He goes and starts banging on this little house where the centipede is.

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"Come on, come on, come on! "We're going to go down."

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The centipede sticks its head out and says

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"I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my shoes!"

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LAUGHTER

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Mr Robinowitz hires a little girl to work in his office,

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and she's a beauty.

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And he's got the hots for her.

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He tries to make talk with her, and she ignores him.

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One day he says "Let me take you out to dinner.

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"You can have anything you want."

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She says "OK."

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So he takes to this high-class restaurant,

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and they sit down, and she sits, and she orders a double lobster cocktail,

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and a big bowl of soup, and a gorgeous salad,

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and a big steak with all the trimmings,

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crepes Suzette for dessert.

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And she orders a bottle of champagne. He's looking at her.

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He says "Tell me, darling,

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"your mother cooks for you like this?"

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She says "My mother is not looking to fuck me!"

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LAUGHTER

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Man goes into a Jewish food store,

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and he tells the clerk

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"Mister, do you have dates?"

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He says "Dates? I don't have dates."

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He said "OK, do you have nuts?"

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"Why would I have nuts?

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"I would have dates."

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LAUGHTER

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So Jake and Becky are married for 50 years.

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It is their 50th anniversary.

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Becky asks Jake, "Jake, all these years,

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"have you been faithful to me?"

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"Of course. Never have I strayed in 50 years. And you, Becky?"

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"Well..." "Becky, did you hear me?

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She says "Yeah, I heard you, Jake."

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He says "You're not answering."

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She says "Well, I'm telling you - three times."

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"Three times?! Tell me!"

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"Don't worry, Jake. The first time, remember, you opened up that little dry goods store on Main Street,

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"you had trouble getting a favourable lease

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"because of that momzer landlord?

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"I went to see the landlord. You got the favourable lease, didn't you?"

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He says "You're right." "Second time Jake, you remember you were having financial difficulties,

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"and you wanted to get a loan at the bank?

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"The loan officer wouldn't lend you a nickel. You got your loan, didn't you, Jake?"

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He says "That's true. What was the third time?"

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She says "Remember a couple of years ago,

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"you ran for president at the Temple, and you were 15 votes shy?"

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LAUGHTER

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This old Jewish man is walking in the Sinai Desert

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and he kicks something hard.

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He bends down and it's an urn.

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He picks up the urn and a genie comes out of the urn and says,

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"I will grant you two wishes."

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And the old Jewish man says,

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"OK, here's my first wish."

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He gets down on one knee and with his finger, he makes a map in the sand.

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And he says, "Look, here's Israel, here's Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Yemen, Saudi Arabia."

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He says, "My first wish is... I want to make it all Israel."

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The genie says, "Not going to happen. It's absolutely impossible."

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The old Jewish man says, "Well, why?"

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He says, "We've got thousands and thousands of years of culture

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"and language and boundaries and territories.

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"It's impossible, I cannot do it."

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So the old Jewish man says, "All right, well,

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"for my second wish, I wish my wife Becky will perform oral sex on me."

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And the genie says, "Let me take a look at that map one more time."

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LAUGHTER

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These two ladies meet and she says, "Hi, how are you doing?

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"I haven't seen you for a while,

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"how's your husband?"

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"Oh, my husband, he's such a wonderful man. He's a doll.

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"Every Shabbos, he brings home a bouquet of flowers for me."

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She said, "Flowers, I hate flowers. I can't stand flowers." "Why?"

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"Because you know what I have to do when he comes home with flowers?"

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"What?"

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"I have to lie down and spread my legs."

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"Oh, my, don't you have a vase?!"

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LAUGHTER

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Two Hasidic Jews...

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Sam and Abe, own a garment business. They strike it rich, they really are making a lot of money.

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They go to the tailor, Pincus, to get new suits.

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They say, "Pincus, we want new suits, but this time, we want them to be black."

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"It's got to be black black." And the guy they go to is Marcus Pincus, the tailor and they say,

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"Marcus Pincus, we want black suits."

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"Last time, the suits were a dark grey, or something."

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"Not red black, not green black, not a purple black, it's got to be black."

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"We want them to be black."

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Pincus says, "OK, I guarantee they'll be black.

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"In fact, I'm going to use the same cloth I use to make habits for nuns."

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"I'm going to make you suits like... You're going to love it."

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They come back in two weeks, put the suits on, they fit beautifully.

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The Jews are walking down the street in their new suits

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and they see two nuns walking towards them.

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They look at each other and say, "You know, it doesn't look black."

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And they walk over to the nuns

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and one of them grabs one of the nuns' sleeves and holds it up next to his suit.

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And they're like this, it's like this.

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So one nun says to the other, "Did you see, they were touching us! No respect, it was awful."

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"What did they say?" The nun says, "Well, I think they said something in Latin."

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"What do you mean, Latin?" "One said to the other..."

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"Pincus fucked us."

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LAUGHTER

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Why are Jewish men circumcised?

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Because no Jewish woman will touch anything

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that's not 20% off.

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LAUGHTER

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A man is driving down the highway one day.

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He sees a sign by the side of the road. It says, "Talking dog inside."

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Doesn't have very much to do that day, so figures he'll check it out.

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So he goes inside, man behind the counter.

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He says, "I understand that you have a talking dog."

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He says, "Yes, I do." He says, "Can I see it?"

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He says, "Sure, go round the back, you'll see the talking dog."

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So he goes round to the back of the store and, sure enough,

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there's an old mangy dog, lying there in the corner.

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He goes up to the dog and says, "Excuse me, are you the talking dog?"

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And the dog looks up and says, "Yes, I am."

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He says, "Well, that's amazing! How did you learn how to talk?"

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"Really, there's not much I can tell you.

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"When I was growing up, all my other litter mates, they would bark,

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"they would howl, but I would talk. It just came naturally."

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"He says, "That's an amazing thing.

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"Did you ever do anything to capitalise on this amazing talent of yours?"

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He said, "Oh, yes, shortly after I reached adulthood,

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"I was a young dog, I joined the CIA.

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"They assigned me to go behind the Iron Curtain.

0:17:310:17:34

"I went to Warsaw, I went to Prague, I spent some time in Moscow.

0:17:340:17:39

"People would talk freely in front of me, because I'm a dog,

0:17:390:17:42

"and then I would report back to my case officer.

0:17:420:17:45

"We had many intelligence coups that way."

0:17:450:17:47

He says, "That's really sensational! Did you do anything after the CIA?"

0:17:470:17:53

He says, "Yeah, I went to work for the State Department,

0:17:530:17:56

"I was at the Court of St James, I was at the American Embassy in London,

0:17:560:18:00

"I went to Paris, I served several years there.

0:18:000:18:03

"Frankly, I got tired of being away from home.

0:18:030:18:06

"I came back here and met a beautiful female dog, we got married

0:18:060:18:09

"and we have a beautiful litter and I'm settled down now. This is what I'm doing."

0:18:090:18:14

He says, "That's sensational. Wait a minute, I'll be right back."

0:18:140:18:18

He goes around to the front of the store and he says,

0:18:180:18:21

"I don't suppose you'd be willing to sell this dog?"

0:18:210:18:24

He says, "Sure, I'd be willing to sell him."

0:18:240:18:27

"How much would you want for this dog?"

0:18:270:18:29

He says, "10."

0:18:290:18:30

"10?! For a dog that's so fantastic?!"

0:18:300:18:34

He says, "Ah, he's full of shit, he never did any of those things."

0:18:340:18:39

Fella from the golf course, just before he hits the ball,

0:18:390:18:42

a ball comes down and hits him and, "Oh, oh, oh!"

0:18:420:18:45

Terrible pain, terrible pain.

0:18:450:18:47

Cart comes up, young lady jumps out. She says, "Oh, sir, I'm terribly sorry you're in such pain."

0:18:470:18:52

"It's OK, it's OK."

0:18:520:18:54

She says, "I'm a nurse, I wonder if I can help relieve the pain?"

0:18:540:18:57

He says, "OK, OK, go ahead."

0:18:570:19:00

She goes over, she unzips his fly, reaches in and starts to massage him.

0:19:000:19:04

About a minute later, she says, "How's it feel?"

0:19:040:19:06

"Oh, it feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken."

0:19:060:19:10

LAUGHTER

0:19:100:19:13

There's a rabbis' convention in Las Vegas.

0:19:130:19:15

And Rabbi Schwarz goes up to his room

0:19:150:19:18

and he's unpacking

0:19:180:19:20

and there's a knock at the door. He goes to the door, opens it,

0:19:200:19:24

and there's a beautiful blonde standing there, in a mink coat.

0:19:240:19:28

She steps in the room and she opens up the mink coat

0:19:280:19:31

and she's totally naked.

0:19:310:19:34

He says, "What's this?"

0:19:340:19:35

"She says, "I'm a gift from Rabbi Goldberg."

0:19:350:19:40

"Rabbi Goldberg?! How dare he do this?

0:19:400:19:44

"I'm a religious man, he's a religious man,

0:19:440:19:46

"we are here on a religious convention!"

0:19:460:19:49

And he picks up the phone, dials and says,

0:19:490:19:52

"Give me Rabbi Goldberg's room! Hello, Rabbi Goldberg.

0:19:520:19:55

"How dare you do such a thing? This is a terrible thing,

0:19:550:19:58

"I'm reporting you to the Rabbinical Society!"

0:19:580:20:01

Just as he's talking, the girl starts to walk away.

0:20:010:20:04

He says, "Where are you going? I'm mad at him, not you!"

0:20:040:20:08

This couple is in divorce court and they're before the judge and the judge grants them a divorce.

0:20:080:20:14

And the woman says, "Wait a minute, I want a get."

0:20:140:20:17

And the judge says, "What's a get?"

0:20:170:20:19

"It's a Jewish divorce." "Well, what is a get?"

0:20:190:20:21

"It's a kind of ceremony, a Jewish ceremony."

0:20:210:20:24

And the judge says, "You mean a ceremony like a bris?"

0:20:240:20:28

And she says, "Yes, except you get rid of the whole prick."

0:20:280:20:31

LAUGHTER

0:20:310:20:34

A flea goes to a travel agent and says,

0:20:410:20:43

"I've worked really hard, I'd like to take a vacation."

0:20:430:20:46

The travel agent says, "Where would you like to go?"

0:20:460:20:48

The flea says, "I have no real preference.

0:20:480:20:51

"Just some place nice and warm."

0:20:510:20:53

So the travel agent looks in different books and he says,

0:20:530:20:57

"I've got just the place for you."

0:20:570:20:59

"I can book seven days in Ringo Starr's hair.

0:20:590:21:03

"Ringo Starr is in Nice, France.

0:21:030:21:05

"It's nice and warm, you should have a great time."

0:21:050:21:08

So the flea says, "OK."

0:21:080:21:10

Four days later, the flea comes back to the travel agent.

0:21:100:21:13

The travel agent says, "What's the matter?"

0:21:130:21:15

He said, "That was terrible!

0:21:150:21:17

"Ringo Starr stays in his room all the time, plays the drums.

0:21:170:21:21

"I got a headache, it was terrible."

0:21:210:21:24

Travel agent says, "Well, let's see.

0:21:240:21:26

"We can book seven days in Omar Sharif's moustache.

0:21:260:21:30

"Omar Sharif's going to be in Monte Carlo.

0:21:300:21:33

"You'll have a great time there."

0:21:330:21:36

So, the flea says, "Great." He goes there.

0:21:360:21:39

Four days later, he's back.

0:21:390:21:41

The travel agent says, "What's the matter?"

0:21:410:21:43

"Omar Sharif, he plays bridge all the time,

0:21:430:21:45

"he's in the casino, I never saw sunlight.

0:21:450:21:48

"It was a horrible vacation."

0:21:480:21:49

The travel agent says, "Man, you're difficult.

0:21:490:21:52

"Let's see what we can do for you."

0:21:520:21:54

He looks and he says, "This one, you'll love.

0:21:540:21:57

"I can book seven days for you in Brigitte Bardot's muff."

0:21:570:22:00

He says, "Brigitte Bardot's muff? That sounds great!

0:22:000:22:03

"Where's she going to be?" He says, "San Tropez. Nice and warm, sunny."

0:22:030:22:08

The flea says, "I'll go." Four days later, the flea's back.

0:22:080:22:11

The travel agent says, "I don't believe it! What happened?"

0:22:110:22:14

He says, "Well, every day, she was out in the sun by the pool,

0:22:140:22:18

"she was listening to great music,

0:22:180:22:20

"people were waiting on us hand and foot."

0:22:200:22:23

The travel agent says, "What was wrong?"

0:22:230:22:25

He says, "Four days later, I was in Omar Sharif's moustache again."

0:22:250:22:29

LAUGHTER

0:22:290:22:31

Mr Ginsberg is a resident of Rossmore.

0:22:310:22:34

He's ready to go to Florida for the winter,

0:22:340:22:36

and he goes to see Dr Schwarz, an internist.

0:22:360:22:38

The doctor says, "What's the problem?"

0:22:380:22:40

He says, "Well, I've been having these silent gas emissions

0:22:400:22:44

"and I just don't know what to do with it.

0:22:440:22:46

"It's causing a lot of embarrassment."

0:22:460:22:48

The doctor says, "Tell me about it."

0:22:480:22:50

"The other night, we were playing bridge, my wife and I were at the Grossmans', and during the evening,

0:22:500:22:55

"I probably had six or eight of these silent gas emissions

0:22:550:22:58

"and created a bit of a noxious odour, but they were all silent,

0:22:580:23:02

"so they were really no problem.

0:23:020:23:03

"We went home, and it happened the other night at dinner,

0:23:030:23:06

"so I decided to come and see you.

0:23:060:23:08

"As a matter of fact,

0:23:080:23:09

"I've had eight or ten of these incidents as I sit here today. What can you do for me, doctor?"

0:23:090:23:14

"The first thing I'll do is send you to a hearing specialist."

0:23:140:23:17

LAUGHTER

0:23:170:23:21

Fella named Joe is at the barber shop. Dominic is his barber.

0:23:210:23:25

He says, "Dominic, I won't be here in three weeks for my usual haircut.

0:23:250:23:29

"My wife and I are taking a trip with her friends."

0:23:290:23:32

"Where are you going?" "We're going to Italy, planning to go to Rome."

0:23:320:23:35

"Rome? Terrible, terrible place.

0:23:350:23:37

"Why don't you go to Palermo, where I'm from?

0:23:370:23:40

"How are you getting there?" "We're flying Alitalia."

0:23:400:23:43

"Alitalia? Terrible airline, why did you choose it?"

0:23:430:23:47

"Where are you staying in Rome?" "The Hassler." "The Hassler?!

0:23:470:23:50

"For tourists, a horrible place. What do you expect to do in Rome?"

0:23:500:23:54

He said, "Well, the primary thing was get to the Vatican, have an audience, see the Pope."

0:23:540:23:59

"Looking at the Pope will be like looking at my thumb from two football fields away, you'll see.

0:23:590:24:04

"Should've checked with me before you spent the money."

0:24:040:24:06

Sure enough, about four weeks later, Joe is back in the barber shop.

0:24:060:24:11

Dominic says, "Well, I was right, wasn't I?"

0:24:110:24:13

"Boy, were you wrong, Rome was a beautiful place,

0:24:130:24:16

"couldn't have been nicer.

0:24:160:24:18

"Alitalia is perfect. I can't imagine what anyone could've done better."

0:24:180:24:23

"How about The Hassler?" "The Hassler was a wonderful hotel.

0:24:230:24:27

"It might not compare with the hotels in the Persian Gulf,

0:24:270:24:30

"but it was spectacular."

0:24:300:24:31

He said, "You'll grant me that I was right about the Pope?" He said, "I was getting to that.

0:24:310:24:36

"My wife and I were in the Vatican, we went to the Sistine Chapel with our friends.

0:24:360:24:40

"We were leaning against the wall in the chapel,

0:24:400:24:43

"looking at the wonderful ceiling, when suddenly the wall moves.

0:24:430:24:47

"It's a secret door. There were two priests.

0:24:470:24:50

"They beckoned to the four of us and led us into this tiny chapel

0:24:500:24:53

"that was absolutely spectacular, very small, absolutely gorgeous.

0:24:530:24:58

"Not ten feet away, the holy father himself, the Pope, is sitting there.

0:24:580:25:02

"He beckons the four of us come closer

0:25:020:25:04

"and puts his arm to my shoulder and looks right into my eyes.

0:25:040:25:07

"He said, "Son, I want to bless you and your family and your friends.

0:25:070:25:11

"But I have to tell you, I've been Pope now for ten years.

0:25:110:25:14

"In every one of those years, perhaps 320, 330 days,

0:25:140:25:17

"I give an audience to the faithful, here in St Peter's Square.

0:25:170:25:21

"Perhaps there are between 300,000, 500,000 people at each of those audiences.

0:25:210:25:27

"About half of them are men. A little simple arithmetic,

0:25:270:25:30

"you can figure out how many men I've seen in those days.

0:25:300:25:33

"In all that time, I have never seen a worse haircut."

0:25:330:25:36

LAUGHTER

0:25:360:25:38

This man goes to see his rabbi.

0:25:420:25:44

He says, "Rabbi, my wife is poisoning me. I know she's poisoning me!"

0:25:440:25:49

And the rabbi says, "Calm down!"

0:25:490:25:51

"No, I know, but I need your advice.

0:25:510:25:53

"I don't know what to do."

0:25:530:25:54

The rabbi says, "Well, give me a chance to talk with her, then I'll get back to you."

0:25:540:25:58

So, about three days later, the rabbi calls the guy and he says,

0:25:580:26:05

"I had a long talk with your wife. I talked to her for three hours."

0:26:050:26:11

And he says, "Yes, so what's your advice?"

0:26:110:26:14

"Take the poison."

0:26:140:26:16

LAUGHTER

0:26:160:26:19

Mr Rabinowitz is suffering from a malady that nobody can diagnose.

0:26:210:26:25

They've gone up to Mass General,

0:26:250:26:27

Mount Sinai, University of California, University of Chicago.

0:26:270:26:30

Nobody can tell them what's happening.

0:26:300:26:33

They finally go to a famous physician. "Mr Rabinowitz, what's bothering you?"

0:26:330:26:38

He runs him through a battery of tests.

0:26:380:26:40

Lo and behold, they discover what's wrong.

0:26:400:26:42

"Mr Rabinowitz, is your wife here?" "Yes, in the waiting room."

0:26:420:26:46

She says, "Doctor, what's the matter with my Irving?"

0:26:460:26:48

"Mr Rabinowitz has a very, very rare disease.

0:26:480:26:51

"It's almost invariably fatal. There's only one cure for that."

0:26:510:26:55

"Yes, anything!" "The only thing that will help him is oral sex."

0:26:550:26:58

"What?!" "Oral sex, do you know what that means?" "Oh, yeah, oral sex, I know."

0:26:580:27:02

She goes out and he says, "Sadie, Sadie, what's the doctor said?"

0:27:020:27:06

"You're going to die!"

0:27:060:27:08

LAUGHTER

0:27:080:27:10

These two couples get married.

0:27:100:27:14

They went for dinner at one of the houses and afterwards,

0:27:140:27:19

the husbands are talking in the living room

0:27:190:27:21

and the women in the kitchen.

0:27:210:27:23

And one man said, "I was at this restaurant yesterday.

0:27:230:27:30

"For 12, you can eat five meals. It's unbelievable, fantastic and the food was delicious."

0:27:300:27:37

He said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

0:27:370:27:40

He said, "Er, the name of the restaurant? I forgot the name of the restaurant.

0:27:400:27:45

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. What's that flower?

0:27:450:27:49

It's a red flower... It smells good, it's got thorns on it..."

0:27:490:27:55

He said, "You mean a rose?" He said, "Yeah, that's it!

0:27:550:27:58

"Hey, Rose, what's the name of that restaurant?"

0:27:580:28:02

LAUGHTER

0:28:020:28:04

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:170:28:21

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:210:28:25

In the fine tradition of American Jewish humour, a group of pensioners from all walks of life gather together to tell their favourite jokes. Remember, laugh loud - they don't hear so good.


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