Episode 2 Old Jews Telling Jokes

This programme contains some strong language.

JAUNTY MUSIC

A long time ago, I was in basic training in the army.

I had the day off and I went into Kansas City and I saw a sign.

The sign said, "Tonight at 8 o'clock at the Parkway Theatre,

"come see Herschel the Magnificent Jew."

Of course, I was curious and I went. It was a good-sized crowd.

At 8 o'clock, they introduced him, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Herschel."

He came out, he was wearing a bathrobe.

He removed his bathrobe and he was perfectly naked. Completely naked.

Now imagine, if you will,

the largest masculine equipment you can think of,

Herschel was four times bigger.

And he had a bench in front of him and he put three walnuts on the bench.

And he took his masculinity in his hand and he went, "Whap! Whap! Whap!"

and he smashed them to smithereens.

The audience applauded. When they were leaving the theatre, they were still applauding.

20 years later, 20 years later!, I was again in Kansas City

and I saw the same sign.

"Tonight at 8 o'clock, Parkway Theatre,

"see Herschel the Magnificent Jew."

Well, of course, I went! It was the same thing.

They introduced him, he came out, took off his robe,

he looked exactly the same, hadn't changed an iota!

And he put on the bench three coconuts, one, two, three,

took his masculinity in his hands and he went, "Whap! Whap! Whap!"

smashed them to smithereens!

Naturally, I went backstage, I was curious.

I said, "Mr Herschel,

"why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

He said, "Well, my eyesight ain't what it used to be."

LAUGHTER

This woman has a dog and the dog keeps scratching his ear.

She decides to take him to the vet.

The vet takes a look inside the dog's ear and says,

"He's got a really bad infection.

"I'm going to put some drops in there for now.

"You might want to consider clearing the hair out of his ear

"so it doesn't recur."

And she said, "The hair?"

He said, "You have to get a depilatory, something like Nair.

"Just put it into his ear. It will take care of the hair."

She said, "Thank you."

She takes the dog home and she goes to the pharmacy.

She walks up to the pharmacist and says,

"I'd like to buy some Nair."

He says, "Great. You know, if you're going to put it on your legs,

"don't shave for a week."

She goes, "I'm not putting it on my legs."

He says, "OK, if you're going to put it under your arm,

"don't shave for a week."

She goes, "No! It's not for my arm. It's for my schnauzer."

And he says, "Well, then, don't ride a bicycle for a week."

LAUGHTER

A woman calls her friend. She says, "Becky, I understand you've got a new apartment."

She says, "I do. Why don't you come visit?"

She says, "I'd love to visit, but you've got to give me directions."

She says, "I live at 1486, 86th Street."

"Take the train. Get off at 86th St to see a big apartment house, 1486."

"Outside's a double door.

"With the right elbow, press down the handle from the door,

"push open the door, you'll be in what we call a vestibule.

"In the vestibule's a list of bells. I'm apartment 4B.

"With the left elbow, press 4B,

"it'll ring upstairs, as soon as I hear the ring, I'll buzz you."

"When you hear the buzz, with the right elbow, press open the handle for the inside door,

"push open the door, walk straight ahead to the elevator, with the left elbow, press up."

"Get in the elevator, with the right elbow, press 4 for the 4th floor.

"The door will open, you'll walk straight to my apartment, 4B.

"You'll ring the bell with the right elbow, give a couple of knocks with the left,

"I'll answer the door, we'll have coffee -"

She said, "Just a second! What kind of directions is this with the elbow?"

"The left elbow, the right elbow! What's with the elbows?"

She says, "What, you're coming empty-handed?!"

LAUGHTER

On the same subject, in an apartment house,

a husband comes home from work and he's really very angry and upset.

The wife says, "What's the matter?"

He says, "The super in this building, I can't stand him!

"He's so conceited!" "What now? What did he do?"

"He came up with me in the elevator

"and tells me every woman in this building has given him a blowjob except one."

She thinks for a minute and says, "It must be that snotty Mrs Cunningham!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

A man walks into the doctor's office.

And the patient, in his left ear has a cucumber.

In his right ear, he has a banana.

And in each nostril, he has a carrot.

He says to the doctor, "Doctor, what's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "I don't think you're eating properly."

SHE GUFFAWS WITH LAUGHTER

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

SHE SCREECHES WITH LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, because of the miracles of modern medicine,

an 80-year-old woman is able to conceive,

carry a child for nine months and give birth to a healthy baby boy.

She brings him home and a friend comes over and says,

"Becky, I came to see the new baby boy. Show me the boychik."

She says, "You'll have to wait."

"What do you mean?

"I took two trains and a bus to get here. Show me the baby!"

She says, "No. Sit down and have rugelach and coffee. I'll show him to you later."

"I don't want to see him later! I want to see him now! Show me the baby now!"

"I'll show him to you when he starts crying."

"What?" "When he starts crying, I'll show you the baby."

She says, "What the hell do I have to wait...?!"

She says, "OK! I forgot where I put him, OK?"

LAUGHTER

This gentleman owns a piano bar not far from the studio

and he's auditioning for a piano player.

So this gentleman comes in and the owner says,

"How many years you been playing the piano?"

He said, "I've been playing 15 years and I write my own songs."

He said, "Really? Let me hear you play a song that you wrote."

He plays a song and it's really good. The owner is impressed.

He says to him, "What's the name of this song?"

He said, "The name of this song is Kiss My Ass In Macy's Window."

The owner looks a little chagrined, but he says,

"Let me hear you play another song you wrote."

So he plays another song and this is even greater.

It brings tears to the owner's eyes.

He says, "What's the name of this song?"

He says, "The name of this song is Big Titty Mama."

The owner says, "Look, you're a very talented guy.

"I'm going to give you the job on one condition.

"You come here, play your set, you go to the bar, you don't talk to anybody."

He said, "OK!"

The next night, he shows up for work, plays his first set,

he gets finished, he goes to the bar, he sits down.

Just before he's supposed to come back for his second set, he goes to the men's room.

When he comes out of the men's room, a woman walks up to him.

She says, "Do you know your fly is open and your shvantz is out?"

He says, "Know it? I wrote it!"

LAUGHTER

This fella goes to the doctor. He gets his test results and says to the doctor,

"Tell me about my test results." He says, "I have bad news and good news."

He says, "What's the bad news?" He says, "You have a serious illness

"and you maybe have three months to live."

He says, "What's the good news?" "You see that good-looking nurse out there with the big boobs?

"I'm fucking her."

LAUGHTER

The desperados in the Old West commandeer Wells Fargo,

they shoot everybody, they got the strongbox.

The only survivor is this little old Jewish man.

They say to him, "Look, buddy, we're not gonna kill you

"because we need you to be our lookout." "What are you talking...?"

He says, "There are Indians in the hills.

"You're going to ride shotgun with this gun and tell us if you see an Indian.

"If you see an Indian and we tell you to shoot, shoot the Indian!"

This little guy's scared. They put this rifle in his hands

and they start to ride and the horses are going...

Every once in a while, they nudge the guy and go, "Jew, do you see the Indian?"

"No. There's no Indian." 20 more minutes, another hour...

"Do you see an Indian?" "No, there are no Indians."

Another hour. "Oh, yeah, there's an Indian high on that ridge. He's about this big."

He says, "Keep your eye on him. You watch and if we tell you to shoot the Indian, you shoot."

They go on for another hour. "Do you see the Indian now?" He says, "Yes. He's about this big."

"Keep an eye on him. When we tell you to shoot, shoot."

Clop, clop, clop. Another three hours. "Do you see the Indian?"

"I see the Indian. He's this big." "OK, keep an eye on him. When we tell you to shoot, shoot."

They come around the curve and there's this Indian.

"He's huge! Didn't you see him? Shoot the Indian! Shoot the Indian!"

He says, "How can I? I've known him since he was this big."

LAUGHTER

Thank you! Thank you! JANUTY MUSIC

Mrs Stein goes shopping to her local kosher butcher.

She picks up a chicken. She smells it here and there.

She picks up this, and every angle for ten minutes.

She says, "I don't like this chicken."

The butcher says, "Lady, do you think you could pass a test like that?"

A fella driving down Long Island Expressway sees flashing lights, pulls the car over.

The officer motions him to roll down his window and he says,

"Sir, do you realise that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"

He says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I was going deaf!"

LAUGHTER

So Max and Sadie are at home watching TV.

She goes to the bathroom and about a minute later

he hears her screaming, "Max! Max! Come quick! It's terrible!"

He goes to the bathroom

and he looks at her and she's sitting on the toilet,

her legs are spread apart, her support hose down by her ankles,

and she says, "Max, it was terrible.

"A mouse came, ran up my leg and he went inside. What am I going to do?"

He says, "I don't know. Sit there, I'll call the doctor."

He goes to the phone, calls the doctor and the doctor says,

"Just relax, don't get nervous, I can be there in about 20 minutes.

"But until I get there, why don't you go to the refrigerator

"and get a piece of cheese and see if you could coax him out."

He says, "OK." 20 minutes later, the doctor shows up.

He walks back to the bathroom and sees Max leaning over Sadie's thighs,

waving a pickled herring back and forth.

He says, "I said cheese!"

He said, "I know, but I had to try and get the cat out first."

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

LIGHT GROANING

-MAN GROANS

-WOMAN: What? It's great!

These two old Jews were sat on a traffic island in Broadway, like they do on sunny days.

One says, "What's up with you?"

He says, "Not so good." "What's wrong?"

He says, "You know I got married again?"

"I thought it was time to get married again, but it's not good."

He says, "What's wrong? What's she like?"

He says, "Well, she's 20 years old, she's gorgeous, she's got great tits,

"and all she likes to do is screw and suck all day long!"

His friend says, "What's wrong with that?" He says, "I forgot where I live!"

LAUGHTER

Saul and Bessie have been madly in love for many years...

Saul and Bessie, an elderly Jewish couple, they go to sleep at night...

..and they still sleep naked.

The husband wakes up in the middle of the night, goes to the bathroom, leaves the seat up.

Becky goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

-Saul says, "Where are you going?" "The bathroom."

-Doesn't turn the light on. Sits down.

Bingo! Falls in!

"Saul, I'm in the toilet! I fell in! I can't get out!"

The suction is too much. She can't lift herself out of the toilet.

He jerks her right arm, then her left arm. No help.

He says, "I can't get you loose."

Saul called the plumber. "You gotta get me out of here."

It's 2am. He calls the plumber.

The plumber rings the bell. Saul says, "Let me get it."

-She says, "I got nothing to wear."

-"He'll see me!"

She says, "I'm exposed and you're bringing a plumber in. Give me some cover!"

"At least give me a yarmulke."

He says, "Hold on." Takes off his yarmulke and puts it over her private parts.

-So she does that...

-He brings in the plumber. The plumber surveys the situation.

And he looks to the right, looks to the left.

Scratches you-know-where and he says, um, "Hmm."

-Saul says "What do you think?"

-"Saul..."

-"I can get her off the bowl."

-"I can save your wife."

-"Your wife is going to be fine."

-"But the rabbi, he's a goner."

-"But the rabbi's a goner."

-"But the rabbi's a goner!"

"But we couldn't save the rabbi."

A small man walks into a psychiatrist's office.

He says to the psychiatrist, "By any chance, do you treat dwarves?"

The psychiatrist says, "Yes, I do.

"You'll just have to be a little patient!"

-That's so stupid!

-SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

This man is in the recovery room, he's just had surgery.

His eyes flutter and they open and he sees the nurse standing there,

and he says, "Nurse!" She says, "Yes, sir?"

He says, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?"

She says, "Sir, I'm just a trainee!"

He says, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?"

She says, "Sir, I'm not authorised."

He says, "Nurse! Are my testicles black?!"

She says to herself, "He's getting so upset. He may do himself some injury. "I better... OK."

And she removes the blanket

and examines him very carefully.

Puts the blanket back and says,

"Sir, they are perfectly fine."

He says, "Oh, thank you. That was very nice.

"Um, now, listen carefully.

HE ENUNCIATES "Are my test results back?"

LAUGHTER

This little Jewish man gets on a plane.

He's sitting next to two Arabs, going from New York to California.

The Arabs are in their full regalia and he's wearing his yarmulke.

They're sitting there and sort of...

..politely nodding to each other, a little conversation.

Finally, about an hour out on the flight,

he says to them, "Excuse me, I'm going to get a Coke. Could I get you something?"

The two Arabs say, "That would be very nice of you. We'd like a Coke, too."

He comes back with three Cokes and he gives one to one Arab, one to the other

and takes his and they toast and they start drinking.

The little Jewish guy says, "This is so wonderful for us to be together."

He says, "Why must we continue, why must we have all the bombings,

"all the fightings,

"all the peeing in the Cokes?"

LAUGHTER

This guy tells his mother he's finally going to get married.

The mother is thrilled. "When am I going to meet her?"

He said, "Well, Ma, I'd like to play a little game with you.

"You have a good sense of what's going on.

"I'd like to bring three women in and have you tell me who's going to be my wife."

The woman agrees.

The next day, he brings in three beautiful ladies, sits down on the couch by Mom.

Mom talks to them for two minutes and she goes,

"The redhead in the middle!"

The guy goes, "Ma, that's amazing. How did you do it?"

She said, "Because I don't like her!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What is the difference between a Jewish mother and a Rottweiler?

Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Alice and Sidney are neighbours and they each grow vegetables in their backyard.

And one day, they're both out together

and Sidney is picking up tomatoes,

beautiful, ripe, huge red tomatoes.

Alice says to him, "Sidney, how do you get the tomatoes so red and ripe?

"Look at mine! They're pink! They never turn any colour."

He says, "I'll tell you my secret, Alice.

"Twice a day, every single day, I take off my clothes,

"I put on my raincoat, I go outside

"and I flash the tomatoes."

"They're so embarrassed, they turn this gorgeous, gorgeous red."

She says, "Hm, not a bad idea."

So she tries the same thing. Every day for two weeks, she's flashing out in her garden.

Finally, they're both out there at the same time again

and Sidney says, "Well, Alice, did you try my idea?"

She said, "Yeah, I did." He said, "So, how are your tomatoes?"

She said, "They're just as pink as ever.

"But you should take a look at my cucumbers!"

LAUGHTER

There's a world-famous specialist in a highly specialised field of cardiology,

he got his undergraduate and his medical degree

and his PhD in his hometown.

He was then practicing as a research doctor

at the highest level in New York.

He wrote a significant paper and was invited to deliver the paper at a meeting,

which, by coincidence, is in his hometown.

He's called to the dais. This room is full of men and women,

the men wearing tuxedos, the women properly attired for an august event.

Dr Dropkin approaches the dais, puts his papers on the lectern,

as he's about to give the talk.

Suddenly, the papers slide to the floor.

He bends over to pick them up.

As he does, his tuckus is against the microphone,

and at the very wrong moment,

lets one ride that reverberates throughout the room, magnified by the microphone.

Somehow he gains his composure, delivers his paper.

No sooner is he done, he grabs everything up,

makes a quick exit through a rear door, never comes back to the town again.

Many years pass. His mother is on in years

and he has to go back to the town to care for his mother.

He does so under the name of Dr Cohen,

makes a reservation at the local Hyatt under that name

and gets there under a cover of darkness, checks in to the hotel.

A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed room clerk says,

"Good evening, Dr Cohen. Have you been in our town before?"

The doctor says, "As a matter of fact, I grew up here, got my education here,

"got my doctorate and PhD here at the university and I moved away."

The man says, "Why haven't you been here?"

"A number of years ago, an embarrassing thing happened here

"and I didn't feel that I could come back and face the people."

The young man says, "Doctor, far be it from me, a young stripling,

"to advise a distinguished older gentleman such as you,

"but if I can give you anything from my experience,

"things that I thought were embarrassing and that people noticed,

"I later found out that no-one knew that they happened.

"I'm sure that's true of the thing that you think is so embarrassing."

The doctor says, "No, I doubt anyone has forgotten this."

The young man says, "Well, was it a long time ago? "Yes, it was a very long time ago.

The young man says, "Was it before the Dropkin fart or after?"

LAUGHTER

Morris is about to turn 95. He's already resident in a very elegant nursing home.

His sons want to give him a present, but don't know what to give him.

They talk. "Maybe we'll take him to Israel."

"No, no. Let's go to Poppa and ask him what he wants."

They go to Morris and say, "It's going to be your 95th birthday.

"What would you like as a present?"

He said, "Well, fellas, I'm getting a little lonely here.

"Maybe you'll bring me a nice young woman,

"put her in my bed with me and I'll have an afternoon with her."

The boys are shocked. "We can't! It's a nursing home. They'll throw him out."

One son says to the other, "Listen, I've got an idea.

"They're making inflatable dolls now that are so fantastic that you can't you can't tell.

"Poppa doesn't see so well, hear so well. It'll be fine."

They go and they spend a fortune on this blonde blow-up doll.

They put it in the bed, they bring the father in,

they leave the father alone, go outside and wait.

They hear a little noise. Then all of a sudden, they hear an explosion and the father screams.

They run in and say, "Poppa, what happened?"

"Well," he said, "this girl doesn't talk very much.

"We're lying in bed, making out a little bit,

"I started to nibble a little bit on her breast,

"all of a sudden, she farts and flies out the window!"

LAUGHTER

Old man walks into church and goes into the confessional.

He says, "My name is Sam Cohen.

"I want you should hear mine confession."

The priest goes, "We can't do that!"

He says, "My name is Sam Cohen!

"I want you should hear mine confession!"

They go back and forth,

the priest sees he's not going to talk the man out of it, so he says,

"OK, fine. Let me hear your confession."

He says, "Well, my name is Sam Cohen, I'm 85 years old.

"Yesterday, my wife and I went by the grandchildren

"and they all went to the zoo.

"I'm tired, I stay back home with the babysitter, 18 years old."

"And what do you know?

"Next thing, I'm on top of the babysitter

"and we're making moofki-poofki.

"I'm 85. She's 18.

"We do it once, twice, three,

"four times we make moofki-poofki!

"85. She's 18. What do you think of that?"

The priest says, "Er, well, sir, I don't quite understand.

"I'm a Catholic priest. You're obviously a Jewish man. Why are you telling this to me?"

The guy says, "I'm telling everybody!"

Becky and Molly are sitting in their condo in Fort Lauderdale.

Becky says, "You're not going to believe this,

"but there is a good-looking guy that just moved in.

"He's a widower and he's looking for a good woman."

Her friend says, "Really? I'd like to go out with him."

She said, "Wait. I went out with him last night. Let me tell you all about it.

"I got a new gorgeous dress,

"he came on time, he brought me flowers,

"we walked downstairs, there was a limo,

"we went to the finest restaurant."

"I looked beautiful in my new dress,

"he bought the best champagne, the best dinner,

"so I invited him to come back to the apartment.

"We get back into the apartment and he becomes an animal.

"He tears off my new dress and he has his way with me twice."

Her friend says, "Oh, my God! You're telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

She said, "No, go. Just wear an old dress."

LAUGHTER

Sam goes into Macy's to the lingerie department

and he says to the salesgirl,

"My wife has sent me in for a Jewish bra, size 34B,

"and she said that you'd know what I meant."

The saleslady says,

"Boy, it's been a long time since anybody asked me for a Jewish bra.

"They usually ask me for a Catholic bra or a Salvation Army bra or a Presbyterian bra."

He said, "What's the difference?"

She said, "The Catholic bra supports the masses,

"The Salvation Army uplifts the downfallen

"and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He said, "Well, what's a Jewish bra?"

"Oh, a Jewish bra makes mountains out of molehills."

LAUGHTER

This young woman is walking home to her home on Madison Avenue in New York

and she passes this pet store.

She looks in the window and sees a lot of cute puppies and a frog.

The frog has a sign on his neck saying, "10,000."

She can't believe it.

She goes inside, she says to the owner,

"Why is this frog worth £10,000?"

He says, "This is a very special frog.

"This is Pierre, a frog who does oral sex."

She said, "Really?" He said, "Yes. We'll give you a free sample."

So she comes in and he says, "Sit down in this chair."

He takes this frog, Pierre, and he puts the frog on the floor

and says, "Go ahead, Pierre, go do her."

The frog doesn't move.

He says, "Can you open your legs a little bit more

"so the frog would know what to do?"

Opens her legs. The frog doesn't move.

He says, "I hate to say this, but you should take your underwear off."

She takes her underwear off, sitting there, and he says, "Go ahead, Pierre, go do her."

The frog doesn't move. The owner goes,

"This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!"

It was during the horrible time in the 1940s,

and two Jewish agents were assigned to assassinate Hitler.

They had great intelligence that Hitler was going to be

at a certain intersection at three o'clock in the afternoon.

They got their weapons together, they made their plan of how to kill him.

The positioned themselves on the day in question.

Three o'clock comes. No Hitler.

3.30 comes. No Hitler.

Four o'clock comes. No Hitler.

One turns to the other and says,

"He's always on time. I can't understand it.

"I hope he's OK!"

LAUGHTER

You've got to be Jewish to like that one!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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