2011 Only an Excuse?

As the manager of Scotland, one of the things that really pleases me

is how desperate the players are to be involved

and how they'll bust a gut to get here.

Barry Robson and Gary Caldwell drove up earlier and...

ENGINE APPROACHES

Oh, I think this is Barry Bannan now.

TYRES SCREECH

HORN BLARES

As the current manager of...

..Aberdeen Football Club, it is my honour to turn the first sod

on this site of the club's magnificent new stadium,

which will acknowledge the club's history in its construction

with the Big Eck Enclosure,

the Strachan Stand

and the Dougie Bell End.

Over now to Craig Whyte.

Good evening.

Let me assure you, Rangers will not go to the wall.

Everything is fine. It's business as usual.

Securing your stuff, mate. Judge's orders. Take that.

I'm not saying there aren't problems,

but they're problems that CAN be and WILL be dealt with.

Rangers are absolutely on top of it all.

We are going firmly in the right direction.

Rangers will be around for a long, long, long time to come.

Light bulbs too, there, mate.

Just to reiterate, uh, Rangers have a bright future.

RUMBLE OF CROWD

He is genius.

Oh, yes. I'd agree with that.

Fergie is Fergie.

Which is just as well,

because, if he wasnae Fergie,

he'd be somebody else.

He is born of football, by football, for football.

Well, now, I think he's from Govan.

Ruthless, uncompromising, vindictive, bullying, vicious,

but, to be fair, he has his bad points, too.

Now, see nowadays,

the players' jerseys are emblazoned with their nicknames.

Now, this one here, this is worn by Javier Hernandez Balcazar, right?

Whereas, this one here,

this one's worn by Luis Carlos Almeida da Cunha, right?

This one here, this one's Ryan Giggs.

I've had my run-ins wi' Fergie, who hasnae?

But at the end of the day, we respect each other.

Me him, and him me.

But if, for any reason, we didnae respect each other,

him me, or me him,

then I still think we would respect our lack of respect for each other.

And if that's no respect, then I don't know what is.

Arguments?

Aye, quite often we didnae see eye to eye.

Unless I stood on a box.

You know, at, at Old Trafford, there are certain odours

you don't get a whiff of at some other grounds.

Like this. It's Duraglit silver polish, right?

You know, Arsene Wenger will be watching this,

and he'll no have a scooby what this is.

Ah, si, is possible. I work in Manchester for over a year now.

Top one, sound, mad for it.

Well, it can be scary place.

So I ask my friend Sir Alex for advice

on how to avoid the drugs, the alcohol and the violence.

And he just say, "Give up the nights out with Liam Gallagher."

Now, preparation is everything in this game, right?

So before I enter the dugouts, I like to prepare properly, you know?

So I'll have a few packets of them.

Cos they're my favourite. I like them.

I'll have a few, I'll have a few juicy ones, that's marvellous,

Yes. That'll keep me going.

There's nae jub-jubs. Och, well, I'll take some of them.

They're good. They'll keep my breath fresh.

That's it. Well, that'll do me at half-time.

Mind games? Oh, aye.

Like, getting you to eat an onion,

after telling you it was an apple.

Well, if you were to put him toe to toe

with the late, great, Smokin' Joe Frazier,

Frazier would have destroyed him.

But not before Alex had skelped his dish with a football boot.

Retirement? Christ, no.

Why would I want to retire when I still love the game?

Still have the taste for victory

and the big purple nose for a good player?

Sir Alex retiring would be such a loss to football.

I don't want him to retire.

I cannae wait.

Only An Excuse - the real Scottish football.

I'm Gerard Butler,

and I've been in more rotten films than any living actor.

After a brilliant run-out with the Celtic lads for charity,

I like nothing better than to splash my big, smug coupon

with L'Oreal Poncey Face Lotion For Men.

Replenishes the moisture in your face

by moisturising it with moisturiser.

L'Oreal Poncey Face Lotion For Men, because I'm mur worth it.

It'll change your fizzog quicker than I change my Paisley accent.

So, why do the Green Brigade use so much Che Guevara iconography?

But we don't.

What about your t-shirt?

What, that's Che Guevara?

I thought it was Danny McGrain.

Right, mates, it's serious coupon time

because the football world has been rocked tonight

by allegations of unusual betting patterns.

It's been claimed that - get this - players are deliberately

trying to get themselves sent off to cash in on bets.

The allegations come after police noted something odd

in this piece of footage.

Have a look. See what you think.

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

-What do you make of that, mates?

-Still looks inconclusive to me.

As economic uncertainty continues throughout the country,

nowhere is the pressure being felt more

than within our treasured football clubs.

Even the capital is feeling the pinch,

with two Edinburgh giants now beginning to experience pressure.

Our special correspondent, Jamie McIvor, sends us this report.

Thanks, Auntie Jackie.

As far as commitment to tackling social issues goes,

Edinburgh is leading the way

by providing more guests for the Jeremy Kyle Show

than any other region in Britain.

However, as far as football goes, the city is a capital in crisis.

As far as Hearts go, the stark facts couldn't be more starkers.

There will be no foreign white knight willing to invest in them

or any other Scottish club.

The club is facing a drastic cull as unsustainable wages need slashed,

whilst putting the club into administration has been threatened

by owner Vladimir Romanov.

But what do the fans think?

Em, excuse me, kind sir,

would you like to say a few words about your team?

Oh, aye, I'm just a Jambo, eh, ken?

Like, eh, wee Robbo and Big Elvis. Ken? Know what I mean?

Billy Brown, whit? Know what I mean?

I'm just a Gorgie Gadge, eh? Ken?

Thank you, kind sir. Er, now, be off with you.

But what about the other half of the city, the Hibernians half?

They haven't had their problems to seek either.

Eight managers in ten years, a new empty stand,

and now Pat Nevin claiming to be a fan.

So what do genuine supporters think about all that?

I say, good man, pray tell me what thoughts you're currently thinking.

Eh, cabs and rips, ken? Eh, Proclaimers, ken?

Eh, Mickey Weir, Franck Sauzee, Choose Life, ken?

-Aye, mm.

-Are you taking the piss?

With the future looking dreich and drizzly

for the capital's giant mediocrities,

just what will it take for the sunshine to return,

not just to Leith, but to Gornagie, too, and get the fans excited?

This is Jamie McIvor, Reporting Scotland.

Help! Help! Auntie Jackie?

This is my branch.

This is my branch.

THIS is my branch.

The improvements are there for all to see.

Back in 2004, in the bad old Berti Vogts days,

we played eight, got 14 points and finished second.

Now, we can play eight games, get 11 points and finish third.

It's all about progress.

OK, we've missed on qualification for a major tournament again,

seven in a row.

But I'm confident we'll get to the World Cup in Brazil.

So, join me and start learning the lingo!

Ola.

Hello.

Meu nome e Craig.

My name is Craig.

SHE SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE

I'm picking the one lone striker.

SHE SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE

I've no idea what that means.

Mambo, salsa, samba.

Heel, toe and away we go! One, two, three, together.

SHE SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE

If Steven Fletcher phones, I'm no in.

Ate logo.

Cheery-bye the noo!

If you'd like to see that STV programme again on the STV Player,

simply click the STV Player at

STV slash player dot STVplayer slash dot player dot

slash dot STV dot player dot slash dot STV.

And to win tonight's competition,

simply answer the following question:

-You could win a cash prize of £1.25.

-All calls cost £1.30.

Italy, Greece, Ireland, and, finally, Rangers.

Ladies and gentlemen, that completes the draw for the European bail-out.

Well, for Rangers, it's the perfect combination.

We play in blue, I'm Whyte, and we're in the red.

Scotland has a proud history of pioneering explorers.

And to truly appreciate the trailblazing spirit

of these bold men, we need a pioneering TV presenter

not afraid to stick with a Bon Jovi hairstyle.

A man who can talk while walking up stairs,

and while walking down them as well.

When these brave missionaries

took their first tentative steps into worlds unknown,

not only did they take with them Christianity and disease,

they also took with them football.

And no-one carried forth the torch

that illuminated the beautiful game more so

than the only Scotsman to be named European Footballer of the Year.

The King, The Lawman, Denis Law.

Well, you know, I was born in Aberdeen, you know?

But I overcame that hurdle and I ended up in Italy, you know?

Playing for Torino.

Now, if Edinburgh is Scotland's Roma,

then Torino is Italy's Cumbernauld.

It really... Aw, I tell you, it's a toilet, you know?

"Il Bagno."

But that's where I mastered football, you know?

Calcio, you know?

Me, the Lawman. "Il Legge Homo."

And let me tell you, no, really, I loved the good life.

I really did, you know?

La Dolce Vita, The Good Life.

Oh yeah, I mean, what a sitcom that was, you know?

Margo in her wellies, oh, it's hilarious.

In post-Renaissance Italy, Law was a sensation.

When I went to Italy, I was on a mission to...

To explore strange new worlds, you know?

To seek out new life forms and civilisations,

to boldly go where no man had gone before.

And I tell you, Captain Kirk, what a player he was.

He was marvellous.

You know, the Italians, they love their heroes.

They really do. Whether it's me, or Zeus,

or Berlusconi or the Fuzzy Felt pasta chef, eh?

Eh? When's your Dolmio Day?

These days of glory were all too brief for The Mongoose,

who eventually returned, not to his native Scotia,

but to the land of the English and other trails yet to be blazed.

But, for that one fleeting age,

he shone like the Sun King and ruled the game like a colossal Caesar.

I came, I saw, I conked out.

Next week on The Football Explorers,

we look at this - the world's oldest surviving football,

found inside a wall in Stirling Castle

and believed to date back to 1540,

the last time local team Stirling Albion got a decent result.

Only An Excuse - the real Scottish football.

Heh, heh, heh!

Yes, this is me, Chick Young, saying I am totally, definitely,

absolutely, 100% against fielding a British team at the Olympics.

The whole thing threatens our independence as a football nation

and it... What? What?

Have I seen the strip?

Well, no, actually, I haven't. But what's that got to do wae it?

As I was saying, Team GB, what a magnificent idea!

I'm definitely behind it!

Welcome to the draw for the first round of the Scottish Communities League Cup semi-final.

A competition, let me remind you, funded by the seized assets of major criminals.

Gentlemen, if you'd like to begin.

I cannae get in here.

Speaking as a prominent media figure,

I, too, was hounded by journalists and hacks.

Which was daft, really, cos if they wanted to know what I was up to,

all they needed tae dae was ask.

However, there was one time that the antics of the press sickened me.

One night, I was engaged in a three-in-a-bed romp

of the sexual variety, wae a pair of dirty big darlin's, you know?

Oh, honeys.

Pure Joe McBrides, by the way.

And then this tabloid rag published all the lurid, sleazy details

of the coital naughtiness on page seven!

And I was pure beelin' at that

because it should have been on page one!

Thank yous.

Thank you, your lordships.

Oh, and your ladyships, too.

Gies a wee tinkle, eh?

See that bumble bee yella-black-third-away-strip thing?

See when the Cel'ic wear that?

They just look stupit!

And that's no on.

It's no the job of Cel'ic players to look stupit.

No, no, it's the job of Cel'ic fans to look stupit.

That's why I'm 58-year-old and dressed like a leprechaun.

Neil, can you explain the loss of form with some players?

No, I can't. I mean, take Kris Commons.

All I know is that, over the close season,

Kris went from being a player we couldn't afford to lose,

to a player we couldn't afford to feed.

You're watching Sky Sports News.

Carling Cup latest,

as Northampton Town get set to take on AFC Bournemouth.

There's a big night of action for The Cherries...

who are unbeaten in four.

So, the League One outfit

are brimming with confidence

for the visit of the Cobblers.

What about that, mates? Eh?

And not forgetting the big Scottish Communities Cup tie in...

Sorry, mates. It's too much.

A dark, Ibrox Stadium-shaped cloud is hanging over me,

because of one wee documentary concerning Rangers supremo

Mr Craig Whyte.

A documentary which has resulted in a bitter divorce

between the totally sensational, utterly astonishing,

monumentally magnificent, righteously dignified

Glasgow Rangers Football Club FC and the so-called BBC.

And, as an employee of said organisation,

I, Charles Young, am forbidden from talking to Rangers.

And so, it seemed, would end a glorious era

of dispassionate, neutral reportage.

I had two choices. One, accept the current situation,

or, two, rebuild BBC Scotland's relationship

with the country's greatest institution.

Denied of my right to slabber over the mighty Rangers,

it was a no-brainer.

I started my own personal sooking up,

with a measured apology to Craig Whyte.

"Dear Mr Whyte, please, please, PLEASE do not do this to me.

"A BBC bias against Rangers?! How can you say that?

"Given the 150 ex-Rangers players employed on Sportsound alone,

"I beg you, see reason.

"Yours loyally, Chico."

I realised I couldn't just sit by and wait for a response.

I had to take assertive action.

You're daeing a great job, Ally. Keep it up.

Aye, shooperb.

Hey, Ally, four in a row?

Yeah, shenshational.

Alistair, a quick word?

Ah, sorry, Chick, most un-shooperb.

That was shoddy and shady. Shtay away from my players.

'A super snub from Super Ally.

'And other interviewees were even less forthcoming.'

Why are you victimising Rangers?

I was still having no joy getting inside the club,

although representatives from the old guard agreed to speak to me.

Former Chief Executive Martin Bain.

Well, we tried every feasible source to raise income for the club.

Guising, collecting ginger bottles, we even sent a begging letter

to that couple from Largs who won the lottery.

No-one wants to know.

So what could Rangers be looking at?

Administration, liquidation, sequestration?

Well, it certainly isn't constipation.

Aw, that's no funny.

This was a far cry from the grand old days of yore.

The days of King Walter, the days of nine in a row.

And, let me tell you, the ordinary fan was not happy.

If the unthinkable happens, and the Rangers do go to the wall,

then I and my associates will guard that wall.

You know what I'm saying?

It was starting to seem that I'd run out of aces.

I'd rolled the dice and landed on a busted flush.

I tried to establish contact between his people and my people,

via The People, but to no avail.

Then, out of the true blue, I received a summons.

Craig Whyte has agreed to see me, but there are to be no cameras,

no recording devices, no pens and no notepads.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Cheers, brother.

I've just spent three hours with the man himself.

And in that three hours, he spoke to me of his dreams, his hopes,

his desires for the club that is the glorious Glasgow Rangers.

And of his visionary business plan

that he believes will make this club even stronger than it is now.

And having now met the man and listened to him,

all I can say is...

..we're (BLEEP)ed.

Only An Excuse - the real Scottish football.

Whit? As far as our singing goes?

Listen, some people say we are intransigent and refuse to change.

But I tell you, that's no true.

There are many songs we don't sing at Celtic Park anymair,

like We've Won the League Again, Easy! Easy!

and We Are The Champions.

When I hear the name, I think he is legend,

especially when working with hot young talent.

So I salute you, Silvio Berlusconi.

The chaos caused by the mass strike has affected Scottish football.

The Aberdeen first team were forced to take their children

to training with them.

Get this - the kids won 4-1.

And there was some good-natured micky-taking

at Celtic's training ground today,

when Kris Commons responded to rumours

of a fall-out between himself and his manager Neil Lennon.

Hey, Figo! Looking good!

I am Luis Figo and my hair looks great, thanks to Just For Men!

Hey, Spencey! Looking braw!

I am Jim Spence and my hair looks great,

thanks to Just For Scotsmen.

See this "vajazzling"?

Best job I've ever had.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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