2012 Only an Excuse?

-COMMENTATOR:

-So, there she is, Jessica Ennis, what an Olympic Games this has been for her.

A great Olympic Games, indeed.

Well, now it's time to leave athletics

and join the women's weightlifting.

First up, it's Estonia's Verna Halk.

She approaches the bar... and there's the snatch!

Been there, done that, got the simmit.

Aye, it'd be an honour for them to ask me.

I think you'll find that I'm already the Scotland boss.

Yeah, I can do that, no problem.

Are you aff your heid?

No, thanks.

Come and get me, Scotland.

Leave him where he is, Scotland.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

for today's half-time 50/50 draw we have a very special guest with us,

someone that you'll know from the telly and in the papers and that.

Please put your hands together for The Naked Rambler.

A WOMAN SCREAMS

OK, folks, get yer tickets ready, here we go.

Ooooh!

-Sorry, sorry. Are you OK there?

-It's all right. It's fine.

RAPID SLAPPING

So Charlie, 2012 - what a year!

How would you sum it all up, mate?

James, I think I can say, without fear of contraception,

the last twelve months to a year has been truly pneumatic for our game.

2012 is going to go down in the canals of history

as the most significant year in the

sporting life of our footballery.

Financial wise, we were looking at a domino effect

that could have meant checkmate

and the final nail in our coffee,

but thankfully, someone grabbed the bull by the china shop

and we ended up back at square leg.

Now, OK, the Doomsday Scenario never

maternalised and we have a second chalice so, from now on, please,

no more prefabricating, or believe me, the fans might still come,

but only under Durex.

Charlie, mate, that says it all!

-ANNOUNCER:

-Now on BBC Alba, live football, as Rangers travel

to somewhere desolate, to take on some team we wouldn't be remotely

interested in otherwise. Here is your host, Chick Young.

SINGS IN GAELIC

SPEAKS GAELIC

I have with me fans of... erm... the team that Rangers are playing.

Tell me, lads, did you ever think that the mighty Rangers would ever

be playing in - well, with the greatest respect - a dump like this

against a team as utterly crap as yours?

I think you're well out of order there, Chick. Nae need for that.

Aye, it's no' our fault Rangers are where they are, they got what they deserved.

No, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm not having that.

No, no, no, I patronised you in good faith,

I gave you a platform to express your views and you abused it,

so go on...get tae Fochabers!

Of course, no Gaelic channel television presentation

would be complete without the

presence of the very gorgeous, the very lovely, the very gorgeous,

Cathy MacDonald.

Ah, Cathy...

SPEAKING PIGEON GAELIC

Well, yes, of course.

Thank you so much, Cathy.

You're looking as gorgeous as ever. Go please and enjoy the game.

I understand, however, that the game's been delayed cos somebody has

kicked the match ball into some old punter's garden.

He says it's damaged his rhubarb and he'll no' give them the ball back.

However, in the meantime...

SINGS IN GAELIC

Glasgow Celtic are 125 years old this year.

It all began with the founding principles of Brother Walfrid.

Speak, Brother Walfrid, what is your vision?

Celtic Football and Athletic Club

will exist as a charitable institution.

From our first day forward, we will focus our community,

support families and help the poor.

And over time, we'll be associated with smoke bombs

and big banners showing folk shooting zombies.

We'll play our first refereed match on Saturday at three.

On Saturday at five, we'll make our first complaint about that referee.

And if we don't win it,

on Sunday we will blame the whole thing on a conspiracy.

Cos our dream is that, one day, Celtic will be the crowned

the best football club in all Europe.

Just the once, mind.

And then we will blab on about it for all eternity.

These are the founding principles of Celtic Football Club.

Hail! Hail!

-ALL:

-Hail! Hail!

The Order is often criticised for living in the past

and not embracing the modern world.

This is very hurtful to us, which is why this marching season

we've made some big changes.

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by PSY

I'm Jim Spence and I've travelled

the roads and miles from bonny Dundee

to BBC Scotland's Headquarters, here in Glasgow,

to hook up live, by digital satellite cable,

with a very special Scotsman, Sir Chris Hoy.

Lord Jim Spence here.

First off, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

It's a pleasure, Jim.

So, Sir Chris, your Hoyness, what a year. Twa gold medals!

Yin in the track cycling sprint. I mean you wheech roond that track

quicker than Oor Wullie's cartie doon Stoorie Brae.

Congratulations, that must have been the berries.

Eh, yes, it was the berries. I think.

-And the other one was for the kei... key..?

-The keirin.

Keirin. Yes, that is my favourite Japanese beer.

Now, over your career,

you've won four unforgettable Olympic gold medals...

Erm, six, Jim, six.

As I said, six unforgettable gold medals,

so let me ask you a serious technical question - before

going into a race, have you ever thought of sticking a playing card

in your spokes?

I think that would be braw. I mean, if you're spinning roond

the track, you know, making that cracking wee noise,

you know, the tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt, tutt...

What do you reckon, Sir Chris, eh? A winner?

I'll think about it, I don't know if it'd be very aerodynamic, though.

No, no, you're right. But, hey, it would sure sound magic.

You think about that, Sir Big Man, eh?

Noo, history is littered with great cyclists - Bradley Wiggins,

the laddie with the trendy sideboxers - the sort of futuristic

hairdo Dundee men can only fantasise about.

There's Graeme Obree, who built a bike out of a washing machine.

And there's ET, who, quite literally, pedalled over the moon.

But for me, there is only one

Sir Chris Hoy - you are an inspiration.

Thank you very much, Jim, cheers.

Thank you.

What do I think of Sevco? Well, you

know, I think he did a great job of organising the Olympics. Marvellous.

Hearts are in a bad way, ken, that's why all true Jambo gadgies,

even our Olympic heroes, would agree that

we have to do all we can to get money to help the club.

Oh, ha-ha. You've just caught me having a snack.

Is there anything finer than a square sausage?

I believe there is -

Scottish independence.

That is why, today, I'm introducing a totally new voting system

for the Independence Referendum. And it's the simplest yet.

You'll enter the polling booth and make a simple choice.

Centuries of English oppression

or...

a prosperous future. Voting has never been easier.

This revolutionary method

of voting has been endorsed by business leaders across the country.

I endorse this method.

If you cut me open, you wouldn't see blood, guts, bone and gristle.

You'd see square sausage.

So, when you cast your independence vote,

I want you to remember one thing -

choose a squarer sausage for a fairer Scotland.

-NARRATOR:

-Craig Brown reads extracts from the steamy novel

that's got readers in the North gripped.

Fraser was smooth, yet firm, like a well-fired buttery roll.

Morag's enflamed passion burned red -

as red as Aberdeen's socks.

Breathlessly she whispered, "Foo's yer doos?"

Fraser said, "Aye, peckin'".

Morag crumpled, like Scott Vernon in the box.

Her inner goddess danced the Dashing White Sergeant of desire.

Fraser fumbled at the quine's bodice.

Her skin was white, white. White, like a white pudding supper.

The whiff of canoodling filled the air with an aroma as pungent

as the Harbour Fish Market.

Both loon and quine fell to nookie,

stripped as naked and bare...

..as the Aberdeen trophy cabinet.

50 Shades of Brown.

Scotland might surprise you.

Our sights are stunning, and thanks to all the windfarms covering them,

it's gey blawy, which makes my hair

look great... when I'm posing for the camera.

The natives are friendly, all right, and their welcome is always warm...

..and will leave you with memories you will never forget.

Be part of it - visit Scotland, before Donald Trump

turns it into a golf course.

OK, guys, keep your eyes on the ball.

The first drive on the best golf course in the world -

the Trump International Links.

'Well, people say that I'm ruining the environment,'

but I love nature. I mean, if I didn't, then why would

I let a Mallard duck nest in my head?

It's not a journey. Shockerooni.

Every trembler ends, but we go on.

The milk turns, as we turns up the heat on the electric blanket.

Scants disappear over my shoulder.

But, doll, wherever you go, there I mur.

My stoater...

my gimp...

my burd.

Macca 69...

Incomprehensible.

You've been in more than your fair share of exciting games

this season, Danny. What do you put that down to?

Well, the way Danny Lennon sees it, y'know, if they get one,

then we'll try to get two. If they get two, we'll try and get three.

But if they get three, we'll, you know, we'll try and get four.

And if they get four, we'll, you know, we'll

try to get five, you know, but not necessarily in that order.

I mean, you know, if we get one and then they get two, we'll maybe

get another one, you know, and then they'll sneak another one, but then,

then hopefully, you know, we can nick another two, but then, you know, if

they get another one, well, then it's fingers crossed and, you know, we'll

maybe create maybe one or two half chances, because, well, two halfs

make a "hole" we might want to crawl into.

But if we take one, then, who knows,

you know, we could steal it right at the death of the end, but,

above all, I'd say Danny Lennon's philosophy is -

always keep things simple, y'know?

-NARRATOR:

-Roberto Mancini, the Italian boss of Manchester City

has his own unique theories on how to succeed in football.

The best ingredients, hand-picked from all over the world,

and zi perfect manager mixes it perfectly, to achieve a coffee

of football perfection. Grazie.

You also need a shedload of cash to pay for it!

-VOICE-OVER:

-Meanwhile, across Manchester...

Well, you know, a successful fitba team is like a right good cup of tea,

you know. It's well brewed.

Right stewed. Steeshed. Stooshied. And sugary,

but with just enough bitterness, you know?

And above a', a fitba team, like a cup of tea,

should be hot. And if it isnae,

you use the hairdryer to heat it up.

Ho! Call yourself a cup of tea!!

How long have you been brewing!!?

You're a disgrace!!

Right, serious coupon time, because this is about Rangers.

Charlie, mate, what's happening,

I mean it's shocking stuff, right, mate?

Indeedly so, James, it looks to me like Rangers have sold

the wind and now must reap the whirlpool.

Speak comfort to me, Charlie.

James, if I could I would, but, to play devil's anorak,

all I would say is, collective-wise, this is all down

to the individual - your Blue Knights, your Brian Kennedys,

your no' walking aways. Your Charlie Greens, your Craig Whytes, your

David Murrays, your Ticketusisses.

Trust me, Rangers need to get their thinking skates on,

because right now, they're taking a nut to crack a drainpipe.

Charlie, I mean how will this end?

How will it end, Jim? The jewellery is out on this one, but, I do know,

it all started when Rangers went

into menstruation, as a direct result of using PMTs,

paradoxically, now been proved to be fair, legal and immoral.

That appeal decision is final,

pending appeal, pending a counter appeal, but, see once the

genie is out, you can't put the toothpaste back into the cap.

And just when you think things can't get any worse, this news just in,

and get this - TV bosses have admitted they have finally run

out of ways to film the gates at Ibrox stadium.

Straight on, sidey-ways, jaunty angle this way, jaunty angle that

way, reflected in a puddle, even in

black and white. Charlie, mate, what's happening?

James, for me, it's obvious, that picture-wise, there is a severe

lacking in the aesthetical.

Well, you're absolutely spot on, Charlie, mate,

and we'll have more coming up when we get that later on,

on Rangers Gate-gate.

-HOVIS ADVERT MUSIC PLAYS

-Ay up! I'm Charles Green

and I were brought up to believe in

black puddin', whippets and good, honest broadband from Yorkshire.

What do I say to those people who accuse me of playing t'gallery,

tapping int' mind set and whipping up hysteria?

I say - nowt surrender.

Well, now, I resent the suggestion that my players have lost

their edge just because Rangers aren't in the league.

Let me tell you that we're totally professional at this club

and our training sessions here at Lennoxtown are every bit

as intense as they have always been.

C'mon boys!

SIMPLE MINDS PLAYING

Celtic fans are the greatest fans in the world.

The noise they make is the greatest noise in the world.

The songs they sing are the greatest songs in the world.

When they moan and whinge at their own manager,

they're the greatest moaners and whingers in the world.

And when they can't be arsed turning up and leave their seats empty,

then these are the greatest empty seats in the world.

Hey...it's a Cellic thing.

Welcome to the final of the Great Scottish Bake-Off,

the show that's just like The Great British Bake-Off, only in this

version, the contestants don't pass out from hysterical grief

if their scones don't rise.

Well, the finalists are ready so, Jimmy Calderwood, Kenny Dalglish,

Frank McAvennie - on your marks, get set, bake.

So, Jimmy, are you an experienced baker?

Oh, yes, Sue, yes indeed, aye, when I was manager at Kilmarnock, I was

well known for my selection of puddins, you know?

But baking is special, because it talks to me, you know?

Really? And what do you think this is saying?

It's saying, "Jimmy, get back into football management", you know.

"Win the leagues, a' the cups, conquer Europe and win the World Cup

"for Scotland."

And why is it telling you that?

This is a recipe I got in my playing days in Holland.

It's called a space cake.

OK, Jimmy, we'll leave you to get baked.

Now, let's have a chat with King Kenny Dalglish.

So, Kenny Dal, tell me which celebrity chefs do you admire?

I'd love to have the fashion sense of Jamie Oliver and the cookery

skills of Fanny Cradock, but standing here the now,

I know I don't look like Jamie, but I sure feel like a Fanny.

And what are you cooking up for us?

Well, I'm mixing butter, milk, castor sugar and condensed milk.

It's a favourite of myself, Owen

Coyle, Alex McLeish, Roberto Di Matteo and any sacked manager that's

trousered a Premiership pay-off.

It's millionaire's shortbread.

Thank you, Kenny.

So now we move on to Frank McAvennie. Frank, are you looking

forward to following in the footsteps of Mr Kipling?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm a big fan of The Jungle Book.

What's your speciality?

Putting buns in the oven.

And what are your plans for tonight?

Tonight, tonight the Frankie Boy

is thinking about a couple of tarts and maybe a bit of muffin.

But none of your ovens are switched on,

when are you going to start baking?

Who said anything about baking?

-ANDY MURRAY'S VOICE:

-It's the brand new Andy Murray computer game.

All the emotion of losing tournaments.

All the emotion of winning tournaments.

Winning gold medals.

Losing finals.

And all the emotion of finally winning a Grand Slam.

Andy Murray's Tennis Tears 2013 -

especially for the Nintendo Wiip!

Now I'm just going to try my first tweet.

Right, OK, "To whom it may concern,

"I have just enjoyed a scone.

"Yours faithfully, Craig Brown."

Full stop. There, that's marvellous.

So, do I just take this to the Post Office?

Well, right now, some of the Tartan Army are so desperate

that they've written to Switzerland.

-INTERVIEWER:

-UEFA?

No, Dignitas.

The Board of the Scottish FA

announces that Craig Levein has been

relieved of his duties as Scottish national coach.

Erm, the decision was taken because he was rubbish.

We waited just the three weeks to decide what to do, erm,

decided to have a meeting, erm, had the meeting

and decided, at that meeting, to hold another meeting,

to decide not to make a decision until the following week.

And trust me, for the SFA, that is being decisive.

Can I help you?

Good afternoon, yes, I'm looking for a new pair of spectacles,

something that'll maybe go with, erm, my good suit.

I've got a meeting with, erm, my compensation lawyers.

-Certainly, let's try a few styles.

-OK, yes.

Ah, yes, these are just the job.

After all, I don't want to look ridiculous.

Absolutely not, but I think before you go, we should run a couple

-of tests, make sure your eyesight's fine.

-Sure, yeah.

What can you see here?

A good result.

Can you see anyone here?

No. Nobody at all.

What is this?

I have no idea.

Biggest result of the year?

Has to be Celtic 2, Barcelona 1.

Rod Stewart was crying that night

and let me tell you, mates, so was I.

-ANNOUNCER:

-From the makers of Downtown Abbey, a new costume drama

created especially to appeal to viewers in Scotland.

MUSIC AND ROWDY BANTER

When I first came here, I promised to make Rangers history, and I did.

They are.

Sir Alex, at the end of last season you thought you'd won the league,

only for it to be snatched away dramatically in the last

few seconds of the match. What did that feel like?

Oh, what did that feel like? You know, well, to be honest with you,

you know, it felt like this.

Your majesty, Mr James Bond.

Good evening, Mr Bond.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

Have you got news for me?

Yes ma'am.

Rangers won the big tax case.

Yeessssss!!

Frank McAvennie, your Sports Personality of the Year?

Well, if you were to ask the Frankie Boy, I would have to say,

Victoria Pendleton, because she's got the lot, you know -

style, grace, good looks and, on the bike, I mean,

she's such a good cycle-smith.

I mean, pedalist... I mean...

Rider?

Well, if, you know, if you were to ask me -

yes.

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by PSY

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd