2013 Only an Excuse?

But now, it's also the time to get your affairs in order.

The old year has but minutes to go,

the new one is fast approaching.

A time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future.

2014 is a big year for Scotland and I,

Charles Young, firmly believe that Scotland's future

is "better together".

That's why, in 2014, I'll be voting

for Rangers to get back into the Premier League!

He-he!

And here we are outside the panda enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo,

where the world waits to discover if Tian Tian is pregnant

and the authorities, trying to help matters along,

have sent in their own expert on impregnation.

Job done.

I'll tell you,

it's no' the worst night I've ever spent.

So, gentlemen, it's time, once again,

to select the new chairman of Rangers.

Are you ready?

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Isn't retirement wonderful?

You have time for yourself to relax and reflect on all your personal

and professional achievements

or the number of times

you got it right up Liverpool.

But now, it's also the time to get your affairs in order.

Think about how much you're going to leave your loved ones.

Perhaps hee-haw. Or perhaps you want to bump it on to a lump sum,

for your spouse. She can spend it on your funeral purvey

or just treat herself to a cruise,

now she's finally got shot of you.

Invest

in Fergie's Over-50s Cover Plan.

Now's the time to do it,

while you've still got all your marbles, you're not wearing a nappy

and you can eat your dinner without sookin' it through a straw.

Do it today and receive

this free, complimentary pen set.

It's perfect for sudoku, picking the wax out your ears

or simply writing letters of complaint to national newspapers.

Once you receive your form, you'll enter our free prize draw,

to win this exclusive retirement stairlift.

Reminds me of Wayne Rooney's coupon -

it's big, it's ugly

and grannies like to sit on it.

You're watching Pointless.

Now, the answer to the question was Heart of Midlothian FC.

Now, does that get no points? Are Hearts pointless?

Let's find out.

"POINTLESS" JINGLE

Wow, never seen that on Pointless before.

Heart of Midlothian drop to minus 15 points. Wow.

Neil Lennon, how do you react to reports that two Celtic fans

climbed the Duke of Wellington

and placed a traffic cone on the statue's head?

I think the statue must have provoked them.

Word up, Charlie, dude,

Celtic made the group section of the Champions League.

I hate to say it, mate,

the bile is, literally, bubbling in my gullet,

but well done to The Hoops.

Whenever I hear that Champions League music, James,

my arms are covered in goose fat.

Celtic done it roundabout-ways - viz-a-viz

your Belfasts, your Elfsborgs

and your Sharktail Parahandys -

places where sheeps were having their throats slit.

But fair play, they got to Europe's creme de la crepe.

Now, Charlie, C-Dog, onto the group itself, Group H -

H for "Ha-ha! You're humped!" -

in fairness to folk who like slagging Celtic,

their results were pure stinking. Right, mate?

James, there's nae point crying over split milk.

The Champions League is yesterday's chips.

Domestically, Celtic need to put their chin back on the horse.

And when you compare Celtic with the rest,

there is a major MILF between them.

Profound stuff, C-Bomb.

Profound stuff.

Am I aware of the big vote for independence?

Aye.

Is it important for Scotland's future?

Aye.

Will I be voting?

Aye.

Will I vote "aye"?

Don't know.

The leader of the opposition,

Mrs Johann...Lamont.

Right, thanks.

Haw, yous SNPs!

What it is is this, so it is.

Does your leader, the First Minister,

think he is the pure gemme,

stoatin' about, whilst gi'ing it laldy with the referenduming?

"Vote for the independence".

What IS the independence? What will it mean? Naebody knows.

APPLAUSE

How comes this? Shouldn't the First Minister

be telling us what we is actually voting fur,

instead of us having to dae the vote,

then us finding oot what we've actually voted fur,

efter we has voted?

APPLAUSE

Damn right, I'm right. No danger.

Eh, that is just scaremongering.

MUTTERS TO HERSELF

The superb White Paper has been published

and I'm here to answer questions. So, please, can I have some?

APPLAUSE

Right, then, I will ask the questions, so I will,

and I will start by asking the First Minister,

in this new independent Scotland, what will the currency be -

the euro, the pound?

Neither. Our currency will be what has sustained the Scottish economy

for years -

the ginger bottle.

APPLAUSE

What aboot the defence an' that?

What aboot the nations united and the NATOs and that?

In the event of any global soapy bubble, will we still be

looking to them for hauners?

We will be going it alone and scrapping Trident.

The people of Scotland don't need nuclear weapons to defend themselves

when we have the traditional hauf brick and the Stanley knife.

OK, right, OK. Wan last question...

What are you going to do when the oil runs oot?

I'll just switch to oven chips.

APPLAUSE

How will I be voting in the independence referendum?

Guilty.

The day after Andy Murray won the Wimbledon,

I went out and bought a tennis racquet. Six months on,

are you still using it?

Oh, aye, cos it's great for making chips.

See to be the St Mirren manager when the St Mirren team

win a major 'hing, it's like a dream come true for Danny Lennon.

In fact, it's even better than that. It's like something you'd only

imagine in a dream when you're sleeping actually happening

in real life, when you're no'.

FOOTBALL MATCH ON TV

Och, I might have known - the Rangers game. Turn it aff.

No...turn it up.

More.

Hear that?

I'm sure I can hear sectarian singing.

Me, too. I'm offended.

I'm shocked. I'm switching that aff.

No, no, keep it on. That's scandalous! Shocking!

It's outrageous!

"MASTERMIND" THEME

Can we have our next contestant, please?

Can I have your name, please?

Hunter Crawford III. And your specialist subject?

The glory that is the mighty Glasgow Rangers -

1872, now, then, for ever. # We are the pee-pell. #

Hunter Crawford III,

on the subject of the glory that is the mighty Glasgow Rangers -

1872, now, then, for ever, we are the people, your time starts now.

What is generally recognised

as the greatest club football competition in the world?

The Ramsden's Cup. Correct.

What was the name of the ship that Deacon Blue sang about that sums up Rangers?

Dignity. Correct. Complete the sequence -

administration, liquidation... Still the same club.

Correct. Who said, "The club I sweated blood,

"sweat and tears for is dead"?

Big Goughy, Richard Gough. Some man.

Who said, "I wish the new Rangers Football Club every good fortune"?

Walter Smith. Who said

"John McClelland, who was chairman of the old club,

"some people will tell you, the club that died"?

Jim Spence - an absolute disgrace!

"The Rangers Football Club" was launched as a business in 2012.

When did they win their first trophy?

1891. Correct. Which Rangers chairman did Ally McCoist

describe as, "He's a great guy. I get on brilliant with him?"

All of them. Correct.

Name a so-called comedian with minging patter and rotten jokes...

Peter Lawwell.

END-OF`ROUND`BLEEP

I've started, so I'll finish.

Finished? Whoa! We were never finished!

We go on!

Rangers now,

Rangers then,

Rangers for ever!

Your time is up.

You cut me off, that's censorship against Rangers! Boycott Mastermind!

# We don't do walking away! #

I'm out of here.

So, Charlie, the Scottish government have published their White Paper

outlining what an independent Scotland could look like.

Has it convinced you? Well, Jim, whether or not you agree

with what they're trying to do,

I think it is our constipational duty to read it.

The first thing that caught my eye was that if we became independent,

Scotland is going to keep the pound.

Now, I'm nae economist, but surely we're going to need

a lot more money than that.

I've been living down here in London for ten years now,

but I'm as patriotic as the next guy. I love Scotland.

OK, I know it's a dump, but it's a great dump. It's my dump.

And what about independence? Well, I don't really see the point.

How would we cope? All the money and opportunities are down here.

Big Issue, mate?

Big Issue!

Get your Big Issue!

# Oh, come all you faithful

# Joyful and triumphant

# Oh, come ye

# Oh, come ye to Bethlehem... #

It's the smash-hit duet of the season,

from The King and our very own SuBo!

Just one of the songs featured on Elvis Presley's brand-new album

of Scottish duets, featuring Jimmy Calderwood...

# Oh, bless my soul What's wrong with me?

# I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree

# My friends say I'm acting wild as a bug

# I'm in love Ooh! I'm all shook up!

# Uh-uh-uh, uh

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

The Proclaimers...

# Dirrid-dah-dah! Dirrid-dah-dah!

# Dan-dan-dan, dirrid-dih da-ra-dan-da-ran-dan-dan-ra-dan.

Some Celtic fans on tour in Holland...

# Let's rock Everybody, let's rock

# Everybody in the whole cell block

# Was dancing to the jailhouse rock

# Oh, yeah, here we go, boys... #

Elvis Presley's Scottish Duets - out now!

Monsieurs, UEFA are in agreement. Vive la difference.

We sell ze Champions League TV rights for ?897 million.

So this phone call to BT Sport could change the destiny of football.

'Hello, this is BT Sport.'

Bonjour. This is Michel Platini from UEFA. Let's do it.

'I'm sorry, all our operators are busy, but if you would like to hold, we will be with you shortly.'

BIRD CAWS

700 years ago today,

the greatest event in the history of Scotland took place.

No, not the first episode of Taggart.

The event of which I speak took place right here by this burn,

known as the Bannock - a place forever known from that day hence

to this day whence as the burn of the Bannock or...

Bannockburn.

Then, it was a battlefield,

now, it's a major drama-docu-soap- reconstruction-serial.

Bannockburn - starring Gordon Strachan,

as Robert the Bruce.

Am I ready to do battle for our noble cause?

Aye.

Having said that, I've put a tenner on England, just in case.

A wee tip frae Ian Black.

Bannockburn - the land by the burn of the Bannock,

where water flowed o'er dry stane and discarded pram.

Bannockburn - forever linked to an epic time, 1314,

which is about a quarter past one.

Righto, kids, into bed. That's it, quick as you can. Marvellous.

Superb. That's it.

Now, where was I?

'Grandpa Alex turned to Roy Keane and he said,

'"Who are you looking at, ya dick?!",

'before giving the hairdryer treatment

'to the greetin-faced wee nyaff.'

I think it's time for us to go to sleep now, please.

No' by my watch it isnae!

Welcome back to Soccer Saturday. First it was 1-0, then it was 1-1,

then it was 2-1, then 3-1, then 3-2. What is it now, Jamie Carragher?

Still 0-0, Jeff.

It's a real togger, this one.

Szczesny's having a 'mare, Koscielny's having a 'mare,

Mertesacker's having a 'mare and Frimpong's having a stinker.

And what's the crowd like, Jamie?

Have to say, Jeff, they've gone so quiet, you can hear the players

and management shouting at each other, but I can't make out

what they're saying cos they're speaking English.

They're the two words every football fan in Scotland dreads -

"international weekend".

Will that change after the referendum, Graeme Souness?

To be fair, Jeff, we only dreaded international weekends

when Scotland were playing badly and that isn't the case,

now that Gordon Strachan has come in and done almost as good a job

as I would have. Back to the action.

It's all about expression, so what about your expression?

Do you have you got more than one, X Factor winner, James Arthur?

Do you want to come back in there, James?

James, on the ball, as always.

We'll be right back after the break.

Commonwealth Games tickets - have you got yours?

I managed to get tickets for the table tennis.

It's just like real tennis, only on a much smaller scale.

So, I'll be taking this.

Come on, Bonnie Scotland!

HE CHUCKLES

The triathlon? No, I'm sorry,

there's no way you should get a medal just for trying.

Will I be watching the Commonwealth Games?

Aye. Might as well, seeing as Scotland have the summer off.

The Commonwealth Games in Glasgow is a big thing.

It's like the whole of the Commonwealth

getting together for some games in Glasgow.

Danny Lennon is taking his players to the netball,

which will be educational for them,

because it involves two things they struggle putting together -

net and ball.

Oh, yes, I've got my tickets for the Rhythmic Gymnastics.

I'll be down the front, shoutin', "C'mon the hoops!"

The Virgin Islands?

Where are they staying?

It's been marvellous for everyone at the club to have Partick Thistle

back in the big time.

Crowds are up, due to various ticketing initiatives for Jags fans.

We have our season ticket gate, discounts for OAPs,

under-16s go free, student concessions

and, of course, our extremely popular Unemployed Actors' gate.

2014 is going to be a massive year for Scottish golf,

Charlie, with the Ryder Cup being held at Gleneagles.

Without a shallow of a doubt, Jim. The Ryder Cup is the skidmark event

in the golfing colander

and Scotland has been picked to be the ghost country.

It really is a special event that has us all glued to the edges

of wur TVs every time it's played.

And it seems to have that indefensible something

that you just cannae put your finger on.

Maybe it's because it's bisexual and is only held every second year.

As part of the thrust to eradicate time being wasted in games,

the SFA has come up with this...

yellow cards pre-printed with the names

Ian Black and Scott Brown.

Are you a First Minister?

Do you have trouble keeping track of everything?

Well, why not get yourself the Alex Salmond Handbag?

It's the indispensable item for the busy First Minister on the go.

Loads of room to store random crowd-pleasing policies

that can be pulled out the bag at the drop of an opinion poll.

Strong handles, able to withstand any number of swings at David Cameron

during a live TV debate - if he's ever brave enough to agree to one.

A comfy wee pocket for Nicola Sturgeon. "Hiya!"

And...don't forget the secret inside pocket,

big enough to store

that spur-of-the-moment brass-neck Saltire!

The Alex Salmond Handbag - perfect for all occasions.

And, if the independence referendum is a "no",

you can pack up all your gear into it

and bugger off.

We're rapidly heading towards the transfer deadline day deadline,

when the transfer window slams shut and, let me tell you, mates,

haud me back! Some of the names coming and going so far...

Oh, Mesut Ozil - a decent player but what a coupon!

He looks like one of the Aquaphibians out of Stingray.

And Gareth Bale. You're on 250,000 grand a week, mate,

why the long face?

Some news coming in. Thank you, Lauren.

Wilian, 40 million,

Scherle, 28 million,

Fernandinho, 28 million,

Navas, 20 million,

Negredo, 32 million.

And Cammy Bell, free transfer.

Thanks, Chris. Some more news just in - and what about this?

Biggest move of the entire window! Get this!

Ally McCoist has walked...

from Gregg's to KFC.

Three-way fight for Derek Riordan between Alloa, Arbroath

and Jobseekers. Brucey is staying with Strictly.

Nice to see that, to see that, nice.

Now, just to be clear, remember,

after the window closes, you can still sign for a club

if you are a free agent or, as I prefer to call them,

a diddy.

"MASTERMIND" THEME

Next contestant, please.

Your name, please?

Occupation?

And your specialist subject?

Your questions on the Sellik, the Thunder start now.

What constitutes a right cracking atmosphere,

pure brilliant noise-up and fun environment

for other spectators at a Sellik game?

This. Ay!

# Come on, you Bhoys in green

# Come on, you Bhoys in green... #

You got a problem with that?! Correct.

Yes. Yes, that's what I want.

Yes, I understand that.

Uh-huh. That's the account.

Thank you.

Brilliant, Dad!

You got my Kilmarnock season ticket cancelled?!

Cheering up your wee boy. Priceless.

New to Netflix - groundbreaking, hard-hitting drama.

Let's get cooking.

The heat is rising.

The product is hot.

Go, go, go!

And out there, they just can't get enough.

Who wants a special pie?

THEY ALL CLAMOUR

Set on the terraces of Glebe Park,

don't miss...

..Brechin Bad.

I see the SPFL have signed a deal to show 58 games in China.

With their record on human rights,

have those poor people not suffered enough?

We firmly believe that you cannot beat a bit of experience.

That's why at this hardware centre we have a deliberate policy of

hiring from the ranks of the retired.

We feel that they offer a unique service and advice,

due to their knowledge and understanding.

A drill?

I'll give you a drill.

Run up and doon this passageway noo. On ye go! Get a shift on.

Beyond the pale, he really is.

A nice shade of purple?

Well, take your pick.

Who are you calling a tool?!

Go on, beat it!

Shocking behaviour.

Self-tapping screws?

No, I'm sorry, pal. I can't help you there.

That's one for Giggsy.

And now, as Only An Excuse and 2013 draws to a close,

Scottish football pays tribute

to those no longer with us.

Trust me, mates. He's off.

Yes! Correctamundo.

The Frankie Boy has signed up for the OAE Harmony.

I'm on the internet and on the sniff.

Because, let's be honest,

getting a lumber online is for normal folk noo.

It's no longer the preserve of zoomers and munters.

The site asked if I was prepared to fill in a few boxes. I says,

"Filling boxes is a speciality."

It's all done online

so you can totally dae it in the scud.

It's extremely comprehensive.

You can find friendship, companionship, love, marriage

or just right good, rampant no-strings, full-on, all-ways nookie.

I registered because I'm looking for that special someone,

but I'd also consider a multiple Groupon booking.

OAE Harmony.

Just click to neck

and if you're watching, Nigella,

I hear you're on the sniff, too.

HE HUMS: "Auld Lang Syne"

Aw, Craig Brown was right. These things ARE brilliant.