2013 Only an Excuse?


2013

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But now, it's also the time to get your affairs in order.

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The old year has but minutes to go,

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the new one is fast approaching.

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A time to reflect on the past and look forward to the future.

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2014 is a big year for Scotland and I,

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Charles Young, firmly believe that Scotland's future

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is "better together".

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That's why, in 2014, I'll be voting

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for Rangers to get back into the Premier League!

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He-he!

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And here we are outside the panda enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo,

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where the world waits to discover if Tian Tian is pregnant

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and the authorities, trying to help matters along,

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have sent in their own expert on impregnation.

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Job done.

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I'll tell you,

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it's no' the worst night I've ever spent.

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So, gentlemen, it's time, once again,

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to select the new chairman of Rangers.

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Are you ready?

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MUSIC PLAYS

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MUSIC STOPS

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Isn't retirement wonderful?

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You have time for yourself to relax and reflect on all your personal

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and professional achievements

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or the number of times

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you got it right up Liverpool.

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But now, it's also the time to get your affairs in order.

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Think about how much you're going to leave your loved ones.

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Perhaps hee-haw. Or perhaps you want to bump it on to a lump sum,

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for your spouse. She can spend it on your funeral purvey

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or just treat herself to a cruise,

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now she's finally got shot of you.

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Invest

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in Fergie's Over-50s Cover Plan.

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Now's the time to do it,

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while you've still got all your marbles, you're not wearing a nappy

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and you can eat your dinner without sookin' it through a straw.

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Do it today and receive

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this free, complimentary pen set.

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It's perfect for sudoku, picking the wax out your ears

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or simply writing letters of complaint to national newspapers.

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Once you receive your form, you'll enter our free prize draw,

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to win this exclusive retirement stairlift.

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Reminds me of Wayne Rooney's coupon -

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it's big, it's ugly

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and grannies like to sit on it.

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You're watching Pointless.

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Now, the answer to the question was Heart of Midlothian FC.

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Now, does that get no points? Are Hearts pointless?

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Let's find out.

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"POINTLESS" JINGLE

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Wow, never seen that on Pointless before.

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Heart of Midlothian drop to minus 15 points. Wow.

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Neil Lennon, how do you react to reports that two Celtic fans

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climbed the Duke of Wellington

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and placed a traffic cone on the statue's head?

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I think the statue must have provoked them.

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Word up, Charlie, dude,

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Celtic made the group section of the Champions League.

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I hate to say it, mate,

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the bile is, literally, bubbling in my gullet,

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but well done to The Hoops.

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Whenever I hear that Champions League music, James,

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my arms are covered in goose fat.

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Celtic done it roundabout-ways - viz-a-viz

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your Belfasts, your Elfsborgs

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and your Sharktail Parahandys -

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places where sheeps were having their throats slit.

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But fair play, they got to Europe's creme de la crepe.

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Now, Charlie, C-Dog, onto the group itself, Group H -

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H for "Ha-ha! You're humped!" -

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in fairness to folk who like slagging Celtic,

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their results were pure stinking. Right, mate?

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James, there's nae point crying over split milk.

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The Champions League is yesterday's chips.

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Domestically, Celtic need to put their chin back on the horse.

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And when you compare Celtic with the rest,

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there is a major MILF between them.

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Profound stuff, C-Bomb.

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Profound stuff.

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Am I aware of the big vote for independence?

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Aye.

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Is it important for Scotland's future?

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Aye.

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Will I be voting?

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Aye.

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Will I vote "aye"?

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Don't know.

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The leader of the opposition,

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Mrs Johann...Lamont.

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Right, thanks.

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Haw, yous SNPs!

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What it is is this, so it is.

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Does your leader, the First Minister,

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think he is the pure gemme,

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stoatin' about, whilst gi'ing it laldy with the referenduming?

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"Vote for the independence".

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What IS the independence? What will it mean? Naebody knows.

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APPLAUSE

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How comes this? Shouldn't the First Minister

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be telling us what we is actually voting fur,

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instead of us having to dae the vote,

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then us finding oot what we've actually voted fur,

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efter we has voted?

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APPLAUSE

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Damn right, I'm right. No danger.

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Eh, that is just scaremongering.

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MUTTERS TO HERSELF

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The superb White Paper has been published

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and I'm here to answer questions. So, please, can I have some?

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APPLAUSE

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Right, then, I will ask the questions, so I will,

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and I will start by asking the First Minister,

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in this new independent Scotland, what will the currency be -

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the euro, the pound?

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Neither. Our currency will be what has sustained the Scottish economy

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for years -

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the ginger bottle.

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APPLAUSE

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What aboot the defence an' that?

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What aboot the nations united and the NATOs and that?

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In the event of any global soapy bubble, will we still be

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looking to them for hauners?

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We will be going it alone and scrapping Trident.

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The people of Scotland don't need nuclear weapons to defend themselves

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when we have the traditional hauf brick and the Stanley knife.

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OK, right, OK. Wan last question...

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What are you going to do when the oil runs oot?

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I'll just switch to oven chips.

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APPLAUSE

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How will I be voting in the independence referendum?

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Guilty.

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The day after Andy Murray won the Wimbledon,

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I went out and bought a tennis racquet. Six months on,

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are you still using it?

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Oh, aye, cos it's great for making chips.

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See to be the St Mirren manager when the St Mirren team

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win a major 'hing, it's like a dream come true for Danny Lennon.

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In fact, it's even better than that. It's like something you'd only

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imagine in a dream when you're sleeping actually happening

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in real life, when you're no'.

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FOOTBALL MATCH ON TV

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Och, I might have known - the Rangers game. Turn it aff.

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No...turn it up.

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More.

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Hear that?

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I'm sure I can hear sectarian singing.

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Me, too. I'm offended.

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I'm shocked. I'm switching that aff.

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No, no, keep it on. That's scandalous! Shocking!

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It's outrageous!

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"MASTERMIND" THEME

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Can we have our next contestant, please?

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Can I have your name, please?

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Hunter Crawford III. And your specialist subject?

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The glory that is the mighty Glasgow Rangers -

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1872, now, then, for ever. # We are the pee-pell. #

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Hunter Crawford III,

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on the subject of the glory that is the mighty Glasgow Rangers -

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1872, now, then, for ever, we are the people, your time starts now.

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What is generally recognised

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as the greatest club football competition in the world?

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The Ramsden's Cup. Correct.

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What was the name of the ship that Deacon Blue sang about that sums up Rangers?

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Dignity. Correct. Complete the sequence -

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administration, liquidation... Still the same club.

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Correct. Who said, "The club I sweated blood,

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"sweat and tears for is dead"?

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Big Goughy, Richard Gough. Some man.

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Who said, "I wish the new Rangers Football Club every good fortune"?

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Walter Smith. Who said

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"John McClelland, who was chairman of the old club,

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"some people will tell you, the club that died"?

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Jim Spence - an absolute disgrace!

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"The Rangers Football Club" was launched as a business in 2012.

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When did they win their first trophy?

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1891. Correct. Which Rangers chairman did Ally McCoist

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describe as, "He's a great guy. I get on brilliant with him?"

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All of them. Correct.

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Name a so-called comedian with minging patter and rotten jokes...

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Peter Lawwell.

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END-OF`ROUND`BLEEP

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I've started, so I'll finish.

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Finished? Whoa! We were never finished!

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We go on!

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Rangers now,

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Rangers then,

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Rangers for ever!

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Your time is up.

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You cut me off, that's censorship against Rangers! Boycott Mastermind!

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# We don't do walking away! #

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I'm out of here.

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So, Charlie, the Scottish government have published their White Paper

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outlining what an independent Scotland could look like.

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Has it convinced you? Well, Jim, whether or not you agree

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with what they're trying to do,

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I think it is our constipational duty to read it.

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The first thing that caught my eye was that if we became independent,

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Scotland is going to keep the pound.

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Now, I'm nae economist, but surely we're going to need

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a lot more money than that.

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I've been living down here in London for ten years now,

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but I'm as patriotic as the next guy. I love Scotland.

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OK, I know it's a dump, but it's a great dump. It's my dump.

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And what about independence? Well, I don't really see the point.

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How would we cope? All the money and opportunities are down here.

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Big Issue, mate?

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Big Issue!

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Get your Big Issue!

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# Oh, come all you faithful

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# Joyful and triumphant

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# Oh, come ye

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# Oh, come ye to Bethlehem... #

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It's the smash-hit duet of the season,

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from The King and our very own SuBo!

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Just one of the songs featured on Elvis Presley's brand-new album

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of Scottish duets, featuring Jimmy Calderwood...

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# Oh, bless my soul What's wrong with me?

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# I'm itching like a man on a fuzzy tree

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# My friends say I'm acting wild as a bug

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# I'm in love Ooh! I'm all shook up!

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# Uh-uh-uh, uh

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# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

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The Proclaimers...

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# Dirrid-dah-dah! Dirrid-dah-dah!

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# Dan-dan-dan, dirrid-dih da-ra-dan-da-ran-dan-dan-ra-dan.

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Some Celtic fans on tour in Holland...

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# Let's rock Everybody, let's rock

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# Everybody in the whole cell block

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# Was dancing to the jailhouse rock

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# Oh, yeah, here we go, boys... #

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Elvis Presley's Scottish Duets - out now!

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Monsieurs, UEFA are in agreement. Vive la difference.

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We sell ze Champions League TV rights for ?897 million.

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So this phone call to BT Sport could change the destiny of football.

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'Hello, this is BT Sport.'

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Bonjour. This is Michel Platini from UEFA. Let's do it.

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'I'm sorry, all our operators are busy, but if you would like to hold, we will be with you shortly.'

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BIRD CAWS

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700 years ago today,

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the greatest event in the history of Scotland took place.

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No, not the first episode of Taggart.

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The event of which I speak took place right here by this burn,

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known as the Bannock - a place forever known from that day hence

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to this day whence as the burn of the Bannock or...

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Bannockburn.

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Then, it was a battlefield,

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now, it's a major drama-docu-soap- reconstruction-serial.

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Bannockburn - starring Gordon Strachan,

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as Robert the Bruce.

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Am I ready to do battle for our noble cause?

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Aye.

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Having said that, I've put a tenner on England, just in case.

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A wee tip frae Ian Black.

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Bannockburn - the land by the burn of the Bannock,

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where water flowed o'er dry stane and discarded pram.

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Bannockburn - forever linked to an epic time, 1314,

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which is about a quarter past one.

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Righto, kids, into bed. That's it, quick as you can. Marvellous.

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Superb. That's it.

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Now, where was I?

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'Grandpa Alex turned to Roy Keane and he said,

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'"Who are you looking at, ya dick?!",

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'before giving the hairdryer treatment

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'to the greetin-faced wee nyaff.'

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I think it's time for us to go to sleep now, please.

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No' by my watch it isnae!

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Welcome back to Soccer Saturday. First it was 1-0, then it was 1-1,

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then it was 2-1, then 3-1, then 3-2. What is it now, Jamie Carragher?

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Still 0-0, Jeff.

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It's a real togger, this one.

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Szczesny's having a 'mare, Koscielny's having a 'mare,

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Mertesacker's having a 'mare and Frimpong's having a stinker.

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And what's the crowd like, Jamie?

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Have to say, Jeff, they've gone so quiet, you can hear the players

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and management shouting at each other, but I can't make out

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what they're saying cos they're speaking English.

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They're the two words every football fan in Scotland dreads -

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"international weekend".

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Will that change after the referendum, Graeme Souness?

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To be fair, Jeff, we only dreaded international weekends

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when Scotland were playing badly and that isn't the case,

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now that Gordon Strachan has come in and done almost as good a job

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as I would have. Back to the action.

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It's all about expression, so what about your expression?

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Do you have you got more than one, X Factor winner, James Arthur?

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Do you want to come back in there, James?

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James, on the ball, as always.

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We'll be right back after the break.

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Commonwealth Games tickets - have you got yours?

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I managed to get tickets for the table tennis.

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It's just like real tennis, only on a much smaller scale.

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So, I'll be taking this.

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Come on, Bonnie Scotland!

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HE CHUCKLES

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The triathlon? No, I'm sorry,

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there's no way you should get a medal just for trying.

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Will I be watching the Commonwealth Games?

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Aye. Might as well, seeing as Scotland have the summer off.

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The Commonwealth Games in Glasgow is a big thing.

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It's like the whole of the Commonwealth

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getting together for some games in Glasgow.

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Danny Lennon is taking his players to the netball,

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which will be educational for them,

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because it involves two things they struggle putting together -

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net and ball.

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Oh, yes, I've got my tickets for the Rhythmic Gymnastics.

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I'll be down the front, shoutin', "C'mon the hoops!"

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The Virgin Islands?

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Where are they staying?

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It's been marvellous for everyone at the club to have Partick Thistle

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back in the big time.

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Crowds are up, due to various ticketing initiatives for Jags fans.

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We have our season ticket gate, discounts for OAPs,

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under-16s go free, student concessions

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and, of course, our extremely popular Unemployed Actors' gate.

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2014 is going to be a massive year for Scottish golf,

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Charlie, with the Ryder Cup being held at Gleneagles.

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Without a shallow of a doubt, Jim. The Ryder Cup is the skidmark event

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in the golfing colander

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and Scotland has been picked to be the ghost country.

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It really is a special event that has us all glued to the edges

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of wur TVs every time it's played.

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And it seems to have that indefensible something

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that you just cannae put your finger on.

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Maybe it's because it's bisexual and is only held every second year.

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As part of the thrust to eradicate time being wasted in games,

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the SFA has come up with this...

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yellow cards pre-printed with the names

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Ian Black and Scott Brown.

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Are you a First Minister?

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Do you have trouble keeping track of everything?

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Well, why not get yourself the Alex Salmond Handbag?

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It's the indispensable item for the busy First Minister on the go.

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Loads of room to store random crowd-pleasing policies

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that can be pulled out the bag at the drop of an opinion poll.

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Strong handles, able to withstand any number of swings at David Cameron

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during a live TV debate - if he's ever brave enough to agree to one.

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A comfy wee pocket for Nicola Sturgeon. "Hiya!"

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And...don't forget the secret inside pocket,

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big enough to store

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that spur-of-the-moment brass-neck Saltire!

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The Alex Salmond Handbag - perfect for all occasions.

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And, if the independence referendum is a "no",

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you can pack up all your gear into it

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and bugger off.

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We're rapidly heading towards the transfer deadline day deadline,

0:19:460:19:49

when the transfer window slams shut and, let me tell you, mates,

0:19:490:19:53

haud me back! Some of the names coming and going so far...

0:19:530:19:58

Oh, Mesut Ozil - a decent player but what a coupon!

0:19:580:20:03

He looks like one of the Aquaphibians out of Stingray.

0:20:030:20:06

And Gareth Bale. You're on 250,000 grand a week, mate,

0:20:060:20:10

why the long face?

0:20:100:20:12

Some news coming in. Thank you, Lauren.

0:20:120:20:14

Wilian, 40 million,

0:20:170:20:19

Scherle, 28 million,

0:20:190:20:21

Fernandinho, 28 million,

0:20:210:20:24

Navas, 20 million,

0:20:240:20:25

Negredo, 32 million.

0:20:250:20:28

And Cammy Bell, free transfer.

0:20:280:20:31

Thanks, Chris. Some more news just in - and what about this?

0:20:310:20:36

Biggest move of the entire window! Get this!

0:20:360:20:38

Ally McCoist has walked...

0:20:380:20:41

from Gregg's to KFC.

0:20:410:20:44

Three-way fight for Derek Riordan between Alloa, Arbroath

0:20:440:20:48

and Jobseekers. Brucey is staying with Strictly.

0:20:480:20:51

Nice to see that, to see that, nice.

0:20:510:20:53

Now, just to be clear, remember,

0:20:530:20:56

after the window closes, you can still sign for a club

0:20:560:20:59

if you are a free agent or, as I prefer to call them,

0:20:590:21:03

a diddy.

0:21:030:21:04

"MASTERMIND" THEME

0:21:060:21:09

Next contestant, please.

0:21:090:21:12

Your name, please?

0:21:170:21:19

Occupation?

0:21:270:21:29

And your specialist subject?

0:21:290:21:31

Your questions on the Sellik, the Thunder start now.

0:21:330:21:36

What constitutes a right cracking atmosphere,

0:21:360:21:39

pure brilliant noise-up and fun environment

0:21:390:21:41

for other spectators at a Sellik game?

0:21:410:21:43

This. Ay!

0:21:430:21:46

# Come on, you Bhoys in green

0:21:460:21:48

# Come on, you Bhoys in green... #

0:21:480:21:51

You got a problem with that?! Correct.

0:21:510:21:53

Yes. Yes, that's what I want.

0:21:540:21:57

Yes, I understand that.

0:21:570:21:59

Uh-huh. That's the account.

0:21:590:22:02

Thank you.

0:22:020:22:03

Brilliant, Dad!

0:22:030:22:05

You got my Kilmarnock season ticket cancelled?!

0:22:050:22:08

Cheering up your wee boy. Priceless.

0:22:080:22:12

New to Netflix - groundbreaking, hard-hitting drama.

0:22:150:22:20

Let's get cooking.

0:22:200:22:22

The heat is rising.

0:22:230:22:25

The product is hot.

0:22:250:22:28

Go, go, go!

0:22:290:22:31

And out there, they just can't get enough.

0:22:310:22:35

Who wants a special pie?

0:22:350:22:38

THEY ALL CLAMOUR

0:22:380:22:40

Set on the terraces of Glebe Park,

0:22:400:22:43

don't miss...

0:22:430:22:44

..Brechin Bad.

0:22:460:22:49

I see the SPFL have signed a deal to show 58 games in China.

0:22:520:22:58

With their record on human rights,

0:22:580:23:00

have those poor people not suffered enough?

0:23:000:23:03

We firmly believe that you cannot beat a bit of experience.

0:23:030:23:06

That's why at this hardware centre we have a deliberate policy of

0:23:060:23:10

hiring from the ranks of the retired.

0:23:100:23:13

We feel that they offer a unique service and advice,

0:23:140:23:18

due to their knowledge and understanding.

0:23:180:23:20

A drill?

0:23:200:23:22

I'll give you a drill.

0:23:220:23:24

Run up and doon this passageway noo. On ye go! Get a shift on.

0:23:240:23:28

Beyond the pale, he really is.

0:23:280:23:30

A nice shade of purple?

0:23:300:23:32

Well, take your pick.

0:23:320:23:34

Who are you calling a tool?!

0:23:370:23:39

Go on, beat it!

0:23:390:23:41

Shocking behaviour.

0:23:410:23:43

Self-tapping screws?

0:23:430:23:46

No, I'm sorry, pal. I can't help you there.

0:23:460:23:49

That's one for Giggsy.

0:23:490:23:52

And now, as Only An Excuse and 2013 draws to a close,

0:23:530:23:59

Scottish football pays tribute

0:23:590:24:02

to those no longer with us.

0:24:020:24:05

Trust me, mates. He's off.

0:24:280:24:32

Yes! Correctamundo.

0:24:330:24:36

The Frankie Boy has signed up for the OAE Harmony.

0:24:360:24:40

I'm on the internet and on the sniff.

0:24:400:24:43

Because, let's be honest,

0:24:460:24:48

getting a lumber online is for normal folk noo.

0:24:480:24:51

It's no longer the preserve of zoomers and munters.

0:24:510:24:56

The site asked if I was prepared to fill in a few boxes. I says,

0:24:560:25:01

"Filling boxes is a speciality."

0:25:010:25:03

It's all done online

0:25:030:25:05

so you can totally dae it in the scud.

0:25:050:25:08

It's extremely comprehensive.

0:25:080:25:11

You can find friendship, companionship, love, marriage

0:25:110:25:16

or just right good, rampant no-strings, full-on, all-ways nookie.

0:25:160:25:22

I registered because I'm looking for that special someone,

0:25:220:25:26

but I'd also consider a multiple Groupon booking.

0:25:260:25:30

OAE Harmony.

0:25:300:25:33

Just click to neck

0:25:330:25:35

and if you're watching, Nigella,

0:25:350:25:37

I hear you're on the sniff, too.

0:25:370:25:40

HE HUMS: "Auld Lang Syne"

0:25:430:25:47

Aw, Craig Brown was right. These things ARE brilliant.

0:26:050:26:09

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