Sex Our Friend Victoria

She was one of the top, top comedians of the last 50 years.

In Top Shop, my hips set off an alarm as I go through...

Bleep, bleep, bleep.

She soaked up whatever was there, and it came out,

in these brilliant sketches.

So, I don't have very much money,

I'm single, I can't afford to go abroad.

I don't make friends easily. What can I do?

We had all this out in the wine bar.

She's a one-off.

Genius.

Great times. Lovely to talk to. And the sex was hopeless.

-The earth didn't move?

-Even the headboard didn't move.

She brought light to a dark world so often for everybody.

Is it a sorbet? Have you seen it on the trolley?

The fact she was so multi-talented is just, you know, so rare.

-Carl?

-What?

Do you know the facts of life?

-Some of them.

-Do you know where babies come from?

Of course I do. They come from women.

Will there ever be another?

I doubt it.

I first met Vic when she was a guest on my radio show.

I was already a massive fan.

And the problem was, I was a bit jet-lagged that day.

So I was nervous, I was terrified that I was going to mess it up.

And I did. It was genuinely the worst interview I have ever done.

The next time I met her, however, we joked about it.

And very soon, we became the best of friends.

So, it's an honour and a privilege to present this programme,

a celebration of the finest work of our friend Victoria.

Now, this episode is all about love and sex.

Actually, it's mainly about sex.

And Victoria's take on it, because she was refreshingly candid,

never afraid to say what we were all thinking.

Sex, there's something so stressful about it.

I keep thinking, in the end,

they will have to phase it out altogether.

It will have to be one of those things that we just watch on the

television, but we don't like to attempt ourselves.

You know, like a banana souffle.

I suppose, in the end, we'll all have virtual reality and we won't need to do it at all.

We'll just go around with those things on our heads going,

"Bloody hell, that was a good one."

I think Vic talking about sex, yes,

was definitely refreshing and we needed that sort of thing.

We needed a woman to stand up there and joke about it.

We've had men doing it for years.

In different guises and different ways.

And so to have her do it was hilarious.

It was what we all recognised. The problems of being a woman.

See, to me, there's always the worry with sex.

Are you doing it the same way as everybody else?

You can't be sure, can you?

I'm sure that some people go and see porn films, you know, just to check.

Because I knew this woman, and she was married to the same man for

35 years, and she only ever, ever slept with him.

She was very innocent about sex.

She didn't really know anything about it at all.

Until she caught sight of a bit of a soft porn movie on a television set

in an electrical shop window. "Oh, what's that?"

She was furious when she got home, she said,

"Ken, I don't know what you think you've been doing all these years

"with a tin of biscuits in a string bag."

She had never had an orgasm.

In 35 years, she tried and tried and tried, and she could never have one.

And then she suddenly had one one day,

this was on her way to work, actually. And...

AUDIENCE LAUGH

She wasn't even thinking about sex. This was at a petrol station.

She just stood there filling up her car with petrol,

just stood there like this...

AUDIENCE LAUGH

Just stood there filling up with eight gallons of unleaded!

And she told me about it, and I said, "Well, how embarrassing.

"You'll never be able to go back there again."

She said, "I will."

She said, "You look at it from my point of view.

"After 35 years of trying,

"it's quick, it works, and you get Tiger tokens."

Well, if sex is what you're after,

and a relationship with an unleaded petrol pump isn't your thing,

then you're going to have to get out there and meet someone.

An actual real person.

And Vic was brilliant at highlighting the nonsenses

of the dating game.

So, what is it? Meeting a man with view to marriage?

-Yes.

-It's just some of our ladies just want someone to re-point the

brickwork. Any particular colour of man?

Oh, I don't think so.

I'm not nuts on freckles.

No freckles.

And what type of personality?

What type have you?

Outgoing, home-loving, miserable,

you find there's quite a big choice at the miserable end of the market.

Dull, I think. Dull-ish.

-And does he have to be able to...?

-SHE GIGGLES

-Sorry?

-Use his what into thingy.

Do you wish the marriage to be constipated?

Are you looking for physical fulfilment?

Oh, yes.

It's just that some of our gentlemen can't manage that type of activity.

They tend to be the miserable ones.

Well, I'd done a bit with Benny Hill when I was very, very young.

But that was before I went into Coronation Street.

I did a couple of sketches with him.

I think people thought of me as a, you know, a serious actress.

Until Vic came along.

I'm looking for Mr Right, Corinne.

I've met Mr Wrong. I've met several Mr Reasonably OKs.

I spent a very long afternoon in a bus shelter with Mr Halitosis.

You can be too choosy.

-Pernickety.

-No.

What are you doing with those potatoes?

Well, before I put them on to boil

I'm just carving them into the faces of minor celebrities, Corinne.

Cliff Michelmore here.

And Anona Winn.

I'm just having a crack at Jeremy Beadle.

She sent me this wonderful sketch called Mr Right.

And young men, particularly young gay men,

come up and do it to me in the street, still.

They come and do the bit about peeling the potatoes.

Pam is waiting for her first glimpse of her computer date,

Donald Renshaw.

On paper, he is perfect - will Mr Renshaw turn out to be Mr Right?

Oh!

-Soup of the day, please.

-Yes, sir, which one?

-Thursday.

-Sorry, what are these?

Crude mushrooms with garlic, white wine and chopped parsley.

Could I have them without the garlic?

-No garlic.

-And no white wine.

-No wine.

-And I won't have the mushrooms.

So how would you like the parsley?

Oh, just as it comes. Thank you.

But not too chopped.

Well, Pam, to me, Donald seems dull, obsessive, repetitive,

humourless and crass.

-Would you agree?

-Oh, definitely.

I'm hooked.

That's my man!

Anne was still looking for Mr Right when she appeared in Vic's one-off

situation comedy The Library.

I've put "very gentlemanly,

"interested in fine china and 18th-century English furniture.

"Likes visiting cathedrals, classical music,

"semi-retired business consultant

"looking for quiet, refined companion."

-Well, you're quiet.

-Yes, but I'm not refined.

I wouldn't know a Hepplewhite whatnot from a quarter of wine gums.

-Just be yourself.

-We weren't a classical music family.

If Joe Piano Henderson couldn't play it, we didn't hear it.

What you want to do is meet him for a drink,

take somebody vulgar and thick with you,

then you come out looking erudite and tasteful, he's bowled over,

and whisks you away in his Rover. What do you say?

You say a friend of yours will be joining us?

Just breezing through.

Here she is now, actually.

Give us a swig of your vino, crumble,

I've been banging like a navvy's drill all affy.

-This is...

-Sapphire.

-Charmed.

-Pleased to meet you, Sapphire.

I'm Richard Casey.

He looks a bit of a Richard, don't he, Sheila?

-SHE LAUGHS

-'Ey up.

Oh, I'm sweating cobs.

Can I pour you a glass, Sapphire?

Oh, pour us a bin bag, I'm gasping.

That window cleaner, what a snogger.

I've never had such clean tonsils!

Never mind a chamois, he certainly buffed up my corners!

'There was one day when the director said,'

"This needs another joke here.

"It's a bit short."

And the next... She went home, she came back the next morning,

and the next day she came back, and I've still got the photocopy,

handwritten script,

of this glorious section about Torvill and Dean lying on the ice.

Sheila, have you told Richard

-about how you're really into classical music?

-Oh, yes.

Ravel's Bolero. What a pulsing rhythm,

it's superb for tackling the ironing.

Well, Sapphire, any views on Ravel?

-What were he? A juggler?

-No, a rather famous composer.

Oh, I would just thinking, you know, cos jugglers have boleros.

You probably know it as the Torvill and Dean music.

Oh, what a lovely couple.

And, you know, they never did it.

Mind you, she spent so much time lying face down on the ice

I'm not surprised!

Sometimes sex comes along when you least expect it.

One minute you're ordering your tortellini, the next minute, well,

who knows what could happen.

-Pasta.

-BOTH: Thank you.

Bit of fattening, eh?

Something to grab hold of.

Nice one.

They're all like that in here,

jabbing their groins into your tortellini.

Then, on Tuesday, Nick left home.

-What, for good?

-Well, he's taken the tool shed.

I thought you were so well-suited.

We were. Especially physically.

Whenever I gave him the old come-hither, he came hither.

You were quite experimental, weren't you?

Oh, yes.

Outdoors, three-in-a-bed.

And with the man next door?

I don't recommend it. They got on to politics,

and I ended up watching Take The High Road with the sound off.

-Parmesan?

-BOTH: Thank you.

Yum-yum.

Very nice.

Very cheesy.

KISSING NOISES

Oh, we should have gone to the Snackateria.

One thing about self service is

no-one tries to arouse your sexuality.

No, so, Nick, apparently, is in love with someone else.

How long has that been going on?

It must be yonks, because he told me

their tune was Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep.

Who is it?

You know I mentioned a very small neighbour of mine,

buys children's clothes and spends the VAT on tequila?

Well, it's her.

I wondered why he'd had that cat flap widened.

Pepper, ladies?

Make you nice and hot.

Nice big one, eh?

I know what you ladies like.

Thank heavens the sausage was off!

No, so I'm totally disillusioned.

No more sex. I'm going to become a nun.

I thought you had to be able to play billiards?

No, that's all changed.

No, I'm joining a convent in Smethwick on Friday.

I have to take one small suitcase and a jigsaw.

What's the habit like?

Hot pants.

That's a bit outdated.

Well, you have to make some sacrifices.

Won't you miss the physical side of life?

No, Faith.

Because I'm basically a very cerebral and spiritual person.

I don't go around panting for bodily intimacy like a misguided poodle.

You like to come and be very naughty with me in staff washroom?

Lots of sexy fun with nice, big Italian boy.

Oh, go on, then. Faith?

Just a black coffee. Thank you.

Now, fortunately, Vic, or should I say Bren,

and her merry band of Dinnerladies

weren't afraid to say what they meant.

Especially when it came to gossiping about their relationships.

I mean, how refreshing was it to hear them talking about sex

in an oh-so-normal way?

What are you reading, Twink?

-A survey. Good knob guide.

-Let's have a look.

Blimey! I thought you meant furniture or something.

I am sanding down an old blanket box,

I could do with an unusual knob.

I don't think you want one of them on your blanket box, Dolly!

It might give me some ideas.

Oh, honestly!

Oh, I can't even look.

I think Vic's appeal, even if she was talking about women's issues,

it was done in a way that didn't exclude anybody.

It was done in a very gentle, funny way.

They think now that pressure at work can affect your sex life.

They did a questionnaire.

"Are you too busy to have an orgasm?"

Orgasm? I haven't blown my nose since Wednesday.

It wasn't that sort of, 1970s, '80s, '90s innuendo.

It was right on the nose.

Are you Brenda?

-Bren?

-Yes.

Answer me one question, love.

Where's my Clint?

LAUGHTER

Sorry?

In other hands, it could come across really crude.

But it wasn't. It was on the edge, sort of thing.

And it was just ridiculously funny.

I thought I might not be able to park,

but Stan dropped his bollards for me.

You monkey!

You may find retractable bollards humorous, but to my mind,

they've revolutionised flexible parking.

-I believe you.

-I mean,

with all this builder's traffic around I'd either be putting in my

cones out by hand, or unlocking my bollards and laying them out flat.

I've watched you do it.

But now, they're up and down at the touch of a button.

All of us had a sex life on Dinnerladies.

Or a lack of a sex life.

Or talked about it.

So, again, you know, women of a certain age, talking about sex.

Now, that was different for television.

And that, for me, was ground-breaking.

All right, Jean?

I was just wondering if I've made love in every room in my house.

And have you?

Hmmm.

Demi Moore gave me the idea.

Mind you, I don't suppose she much goes in for coconut matting.

You'd think no-one had ever had a boyfriend before.

Have you seen him yet, Dolly?

The famous Barry?

No. I saw his underpants on the settee this morning.

What sort, Y-fronts, post modern?

I was trying not to look, what with scattered male underwear

and an unwashed Jean spilling out of a baby-doll kimono,

it was enough to put you off your grape nuts.

Well, I think it's fantastic.

Jean puts up with Keith for 27 years,

a man who comes to bed wearing a Blackburn Rovers bobble hat,

and whose idea of foreplay is taking it off.

He runs away with a dental hygienist,

and she lands a hunk like Barry.

How hunky is he supposed to be?

Well, she told me they did it twice during the Nine O'Clock News.

That's a pretty good recovery rate.

Perhaps it was specially extended.

Vic really nailed the British attitude towards sex

in her darkly comic film Pat And Margaret.

Pointing out there's still a whole generation shocked by the fact that

people actually do it. They actually have sex.

-DUNCAN PRESTON:

-Pat And Margaret?

I thought everybody was great in that.

I really thought everybody was so good.

'It taught me so much, that film.'

Jim, do you want to make it up or not?

-Now, just a minute.

-No conferring.

If we're doing it, then we have to get a place, live together,

none of this fannying about.

We either go for it, or it's finito.

There will be no living together if I have anything to do with it.

You don't have anything to do with it.

So button up or ship out.

It's your fault I never learned to read,

and I could never get a qualification.

Yes. You're on, Margaret.

I've loved you since the first minute you gave me extra gravy.

You've given me care.

And comfort.

And a wonderful sex life.

Come here.

A sex life?

You had a sex life?

Where have you had it?

-In your bed.

-Not on the eiderdown!

"Not on the eiderdown."

Well, there were about 100 people watching.

And it was like we were in the Palladium. They all started...

"We can't!

"Please shhh, shut up!"

And so we had to do it again.

And they laughed again.

So I think we did it, before they shut up,

we must have done it four or five times.

And she hit it every time.

Every time.

She was great, Thora.

Amazing.

I mean, why are we so good at things like that, and we're so bad at

personal things, like, sort of, love and romance and sex?

We're hopeless at it in this country because we can't talk about things

like that, can we? I think that's why British women have that

compulsion to sleep with foreigners when they go on holiday abroad.

Because then they don't have to talk to them. It's like it doesn't count.

It doesn't matter what he touches,

as long as he can't pronounce it properly.

LAUGHTER

It's not that we're not doing it, we're all doing it like mad,

it's just that nobody's talking about it. If you read our paper,

the whole of the back page is a personal column.

It's all things to with sex.

There's an advert every week for a call girl.

"Call me, Dorinda, for personal service.

"Not Tuesday, as I'm at bingo."

There's an advert every week for a massage parlour.

That could be genuine. I think that's put in by a man

who used to run on with a sponge at Aston Villa.

But half of these adverts are from ordinary people who wish to get

involved with wife swapping.

I could never really believe wife swapping actually goes on.

I sort of imagined it's something invented by the tabloids,

and blown up out of all portion.

You know, like Samantha Fox was.

But I can sort of imagine it going on in Hollywood,

you know, in the Hollywood Hills,

naked film stars leaping from chandeliers

and ladling cocaine up out of Tupperware.

I can't imagine an orgy going on in Bridlington, can you?

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-"Eh, now, steady on, mind my barometer."

I mean, because British people are very reserved, aren't they?

I mean, physically. I mean, I know I am.

I keep the strip in my bikini bottoms after I've bought them.

Just tell him. Just tell him what it means, it's quicker.

-Just tell him.

-LAUGHTER

I have been trying to picture an evening of British wife swapping.

And it's very difficult to do. Look, I take two imaginary couples, right.

What shall I call the first couple? Janet and John, right.

Shall we call the other couple? Nip and Fluff? No, I don't think so.

Janet and John and Robert and Pam, right?

Robert and Pam have decided to hold an evening's wife swapping

at their lovely new home The Open Crotch, 32 Willow Crescent.

They've sent out invitations, 7.00 for 7.30.

Refreshments provided at half-time.

That's when we'll change ends.

So say it's about half past six, right?

What's actually going on? Janet and John are getting ready to come out,

she's getting her G-string out of the airing cupboard

and he's frantically splashing his private parts with Hai Karate.

In the other house, Pam is doing a last-minute hoover of the lounge,

and setting up those little things in bowls.

Olives, cashew nuts, condoms. Back at the other house,

Janet's giving John a bit of a last-minute telling off.

"Now, John, don't show me up like you did last time."

"What did I do?

"When you were making love to that woman on her kitchen table."

"What did I do?"

"You only looked up and said her central pendant needed rewiring."

And now, to one of my favourite sketches,

another superb example of Vic's fine observations

of how we talk about sex with our colleagues.

I don't mean sex with our colleagues,

I mean talking about sex with... You know what I mean.

Our next doors had sex again last night.

Not again.

I mean, I like a joke, but that's twice this month.

I could not think what the noise was.

I thought our central heating had come on a month early.

Then I heard someone shout,

"Oh, don't bother, Ken, I'll do it myself." So...

So I thought, "Well, it can't be the central heating."

Have you got gas?

No. Methane.

I thought, "Well, I'm on the high-fibre."

Does it work your cooker as well?

Mm, though a leg of pork takes seven days to cook through.

Can't keep it down, pork.

Ever since a Jehovah's Witness told me about their mating habits.

-Pigs?

-Mm.

-What do they do?

Well, they enjoy it.

-They don't?

-They do.

Now, are you still having pork and pickle fancies

for Shona's wedding?

No, I'm not.

PHONE RINGS

Family planning, can I help you?

So there you have it. That was our friend Victoria.

Now, I'd like to end on a song.

But not just any old song.

This is one of Vic's most famous.

The Ballad Of Barry And Freda, of course.

But watch carefully though. You'll see Vic bouncing in her chair.

It looks like part of the performance, but it isn't.

This song is so technically difficult to sing, and so fast,

Vic literally had to move up and down to get more air into her lungs.

You try singing it.

You won't make it through. She is the only one that can do it.

So let's do it.

# Let's do it, let's do it

# Do it while the mood is right!

# I'm feeling, appealing

# I've really got an appetite

# I'm on fire with desire

# I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

# But he said

# I can't do it, I can't do it

# I don't believe in too much sex

# This fashion for passion

# Turns us into nervous wrecks

# No derision, my decision

# I'd rather watch the Spinners on the television

# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight

# So she said

# Let's do it, let's do it, do it till our hearts go boom

# Go native, creative

# Living in the living room

# This folly is jolly

# Bend me over backwards on me hostess trolley!

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight

# I can't do it, I can't do it

# My heavy-breathing days are gone

# I'm older, feel colder

# It's other things that turn me on

# I'm imploring, I'm boring

# Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring!

# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it

# Have a crazy night of love!

# I'll strip bare, I'll just wear stilettos and an oven glove!

# Don't starve a girl of a palaver

# Dangle from the wardrobe in your balaclava

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

# I can't do it, I can't do it

# I know I'll only get it wrong

# Don't angle for me to dangle

# My arms have never been that strong

# Stop pouting! Stop shouting

# You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting

# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it

# Share a night of wild romance!

# Frenetic, poetic, this could be your last big chance!

# To quote Milton, to eat Stilton

# To roll with gay abandon on the tufted Wilton!

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

# I can't do it, I can't do it

# I've got other little jobs on hand

# Don't grouse around the house

# I've got a busy evening planned

# Stop nagging! I'm flagging

# You know as well as I do that the pipes need lagging

# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it

# While I'm really in the mood

# Three cheers! It's years

# Since I caught you even semi-nude

# Get drastic, gymnastic

# Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

# I can't do it, I can't do it

# I must refuse to get undressed

# I feel silly

# It's too chilly

# To go without my thermal vest

# Don't choose me, don't use me

# My mother sent a note to say you must excuse me

# I can't do it, I can't do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it

# I really absolutely must

# I won't exempt you, want to tempt you

# Want to drive you mad with lust

# No cautions, just contortions

# Smear an avocado on my lower portions!

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

# I can't do it, I can't do it

# It's really not my cup of tea

# I'm harassed, embarrassed

# I wish you hadn't picked on me

# No barter

# A non-starter

# I feel about as sensuous as Jimmy Carter

# I can't do it, can't do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it

# I really want to run amok!

# Let's wiggle!

# Let's jiggle!

# Let's really make the rafters rock!

# Be mighty, be flighty

# Come and melt the buttons on my flameproof nightie!

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

# Let's do it, let's do it

# I really want to rant and rave!

# Let's go, cos I know

# Just how I want you to behave

# Not meekly, not bleakly

# Beat me on the bottom with the Woman's Weekly

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight. #

APPLAUSE

What this? Sex, sex, more sex.

You know, I'd be much better off with an 800-piece jigsaw.