Appearance Our Friend Victoria

Victoria was like an extraordinary diamond,

with these facets of brilliance.

They put me in the same dressing room with Frank Carson,

Stan Boardman, Bernard Manning, and Angela Rippon.

LAUGHTER

God, she knows some filthy jokes, I tell you!

Vic was voted the person that most people would like to have

as a next door neighbour.

That's possibly the loveliest accolade you can have.

I told Dr Spencer I had to get back and help you out in the shop,

so he cured me, so here I am! Ha-ha-ha!

She's definitely a hero...

a comedic hero.

She's got right dangly earrings with sausages on them.

LAUGHTER

I don't think there's anybody who can do what she did.

If Marjorie were to let her concentration lapse

for just one second, I could literally...

She's just part of the fabric of

British life, really.

I can't stand round listening to gossip all day like some folk.

There is nobody, and never will be anybody like Victoria Wood.

Victoria Wood was my comedy hero.

When I was young, I used to watch and watch and watch

all the episodes of As Seen On TV again,

and again,

and again.

Now, years later when I got the call to go for an audition

for a part in Dinnerladies, well...

I was gobsmacked.

I couldn't believe I was going to be in the same room as Victoria Wood.

Never mind get to work with her.

So now I'm absolutely thrilled

to have been asked to present this programme,

a celebration of the finest work of our friend, Victoria.

Vic was brilliant at taking a swipe at society's view

on how we should look,

what we should wear,

what we should eat,

and what we should weigh.

And we should thank her for that,

for saying what we were all thinking.

Because it doesn't really matter about any of that.

It's what's up here and what's in here that counts.

So tonight, I'm looking at Vic's take on appearance.

Now, I don't have this urge that a lot of women have got to wear a bikini

cos I know I'm not the right shape for a bikini,

and I know what shape I am because I read it in a book.

Honestly, I was in this bookshop flicking through

this stupid book about body shapes,

and it said that all women could be divided into

one of four basic body shapes.

And that was pear shape, hourglass, triangle, and rectangle.

And I was a rectangle.

I mean, it actually said it in the book.

It said, "Famous rectangles: Jennifer Saunders.

"More generous example, Victoria Wood."

LAUGHTER

Oh, well, thanks a lot!

But blimey, you know, I don't do drugs,

I try and keep my name out of the papers,

there I am, down in black and white...

as an example of a generous rectangle.

LAUGHTER

I mean, what a stupid way to categorise people anyway!

I mean, I don't think of my three best friends

as two pears and a triangle.

I think of them as Moany, Groany and Split Ends.

LAUGHTER

Dealing with the issue of weight was something

that was so much part of her daily life

that it was inevitable that was what she was going to write about,

but...it's also the thing that connected her with people.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, I know I'm different sizes in different shops,

16 in some shops, 18 in some shops.

In Gap, I'm only a size 12, cos they're American.

In Marks & Spencer's, I'm only a size three

cos they don't want to upset anybody.

LAUGHTER

In Topshop, my hips set off an alarm as I go through.

BLEEPING

LAUGHTER

There's a big middle-aged woman trying to get in.

There's a grill coming down. Whoa! LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I go, "Please, it's not for me, it's my daughter."

"No, we can't help you. Go, go, go."

"Evans is round the corner, please go there."

I loved how she took ownership of it later, and even...

There was an interview she did

where she said that there should be...

At premieres, there should be two carpets,

a red carpet and a blue carpet, and the blue carpet should be for

the people who look like baked potatoes.

HE CHUCKLES

First stop, let's look at diet.

Because if society wants us to lose weight and improve our appearance,

we'd better start eating properly.

So for breakfast I'm having a seaweed and almond butter smoothie.

Not likely.

What's that, dear?

It's tofu.

Tofu, what's that?

Soya bean curd.

What is it?!

It's... It's soya bean curd, Mum.

Oh, right.

Er... Well, two tofus, then, dear, please.

LAUGHTER

And a cup of tea, Mum?

Oh, yes, not half!

Two teas, dear, please.

Rooibos, Lapsang, rosehip or chamomile?

Er... Wha... Wha...

What sort of tea do you fancy, Mum, then?

The roo-ey bosch?

Or the Lapsang, or...?

Up to you.

Well, two Lapsangs, then, dear, please.

One milky, one not quite so milky.

Soya milk, goat's milk or cow's?

What sort of milk do you want, Mum? LAUGHTER

Oh... Oh... Oh, cow's, please.

One with cow's, dear, please, and...

and one with goat's.

The goat's over by the coat rack,

-just milk as much as you need.

-OK!

She and I always used to talk about,

you know, our weight... transformations.

One minute we'd be, you know,

yo-yo dieting or whatever,

and "Stop eating yo-yos" was the reply to that.

I was watching the television, and my least favourite advert came on.

I can't remember the name, now. It's a slimming thing...

Oh, the Slimfast plan. Have you seen this advert?

It's a woman holding up a photograph of herself.

And she's going, "Hello, my name is Petrina Madwoman."

LAUGHTER This is me, when I was 29st eight.

Now, after only three weeks

of drinking Slimfast vanilla creosote...

LAUGHTER

..I'm 6st two.

LAUGHTER

One delicious nutritious shake for breakfast.

One for lunch.

And by tea-time,

I'm snatching chocolate buttons off small children.

LAUGHTER

I'm sure it was really important

for her to be saying all of those things.

Because I can't think of anyone else at the time...

..that was talking about it.

And I'm sure it helped lots of women

to be able to just laugh about it.

Vic's favourite meal was egg and chips.

Ask anyone, and they'll tell you that.

First time I went round to hers,

I had egg and chips.

Egg and chips.

Has a certain ring to it, doesn't it?

That's probably why she liked it.

Egg and chips.

The most basic of...

..staple meals, and done right,

one of the most joyful meals you can possibly have,

and if you're sharing it with a cup of tea with Victoria,

that is a perfect meal.

Lunchtime sometimes she'd just...

She'd say, "Oh, bring me some egg and chips

"and I'll rewrite that scene, I'm not happy with it."

She loved egg and chips,

and I used to think, well, hang on,

egg and chips is fattening, isn't it?

But she'd say no, it's protein and a bit of carbs, it's fine,

so I started eating them.

Trouble is, I had them for my tea as well!

From all of Vic's work,

I think the people that talked about appearance more than anyone else

were the dinner ladies.

We'd always find ourselves arguing about diets and weight,

and Dolly and Jean, well, they could just not shut up about it.

Oh, is this your full fat day?

Oh, it could be if I call Wednesday semi-skimmed.

In fact, if I call today Saturday, I could have a Kit Kat!

LAUGHTER

It's a load of codswash, dieting.

All that misery, for what?

You could fall under a bus tomorrow.

-LAUGHTER

-I could.

You wouldn't fit under a bus, it would have to be jacked up.

LAUGHTER

I'm not cursed with hips, fortunately.

We've come a long way, me and my hips.

Mm!

Talk about contents may have settled in transit.

She did write a lot of stuff into Dinnerladies for Dolly about...

Because Dolly was always dieting.

And she was very easily sent up about that,

I think, because she was very...

po-faced about it.

Bren?

LAUGHTER

She's in training for her holiday.

What sort of holiday is she intending to have?

The only other people who walk like that are mass murderers,

-on their way to the penitentiary.

-LAUGHTER

Hey, Doll, where are you going on holiday? Sing Sing?

It's a very dressy cruise.

I have to tone up.

I don't want to be bending over a truly international

nightly buffet with loose buttocks.

LAUGHTER

It led to a lot of humour with Jean who couldn't care less.

What would happen if I asked for a herbal tea?

Nothing.

LAUGHTER

You mean, you wouldn't be fazed by such a request?

No, I mean you wouldn't get one.

LAUGHTER

Just tell him to come up.

Put a piece through, cos it IS warm.

-Warm toast, it's like blooming...

-..warm salad.

Ooh, you can have warm salad.

It's quite a shi-shi starter.

Think of that for the wedding, Jean.

With Keith's family?!

-Last big wedding his auntie Dot ate a coaster.

-No!

LAUGHTER

His auntie Dot from Cockermouth ate a raffia drinks coaster.

LAUGHTER

She thought it was a high fibre biscuit.

LAUGHTER

She has to be held back from moving down the table

and buttering two more.

LAUGHTER

But diet alone isn't going to strip you of those pounds.

You'll need to do a bit of exercise, too.

So, go swimming.

Get yourself to the gym.

Or even better, book a weekend at a health farm.

OK, everybody...

..I'm just calling you everybody

because I don't know everybody's names, as yet,

and until we're doing that,

everybody, as a sort of termitude,

will have to...huffice.

I'm Nicola.

As I say, if you should need me at all

during the periodical which you're with us,

just examine a member of staff who's approximate, say "Where's Nicola?"

And that will find me.

This is the Pinkney Hydro,

as you'll have gathered.

The gateway to health.

I don't know if you're familiar with the old Latin saying...

I only speak a little Latin myself,

just enough to buy a paper.

The saying...

Mens sana, incorporises.

And I think we can learn a lot from that.

In woman's quest for perfection...

..Vic was always able to talk about exercise, thank God,

and take the piss out of it.

So what's the diet?

Well, what it is you do is

you eat a hard-boiled egg before every meal,

and that hard-boiled egg actually eats some of the meal for you,

and so you lose weight.

LAUGHTER

You don't want to lose weight, do you?

I do, Victoria.

My agent says if I can't taper my hips to quite an extent

I could say bye-bye lingerie, hello bakeware.

LAUGHTER

Why, are you a model?

Catalogues, glamour, promos.

Have you seen the car parts calendar?

-Erm...

-I'm August.

I'm pointing at a fan belt.

Was that topless?

Not really. I was holding quite a big spanner.

Course, they say you shouldn't eat a lot of eggs now,

-don't they?

-Oh, quite honestly, Lily,

if you believe everything they say...

Like, all this "other people smoking can give you cancer."

I mean, how can it?

I mean, if you read a book, Victoria,

that's not going to make me more intelligent, is it?

I wouldn't have thought so.

LAUGHTER

She had that ability of turning the hypocrisy of the way

we all try and lose weight and look a certain way,

she would then put it into a sketch and make it hilarious,

showing her own...midriff rolls.

OK, I'm Madge.

Welcome to my Friday night low impact class,

for fatties with attitude!

Welcome to Fattitude.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's funk it up a little bit. Come on!

LAUGHTER

Cos you can do any diet you like, girls,

if you don't do those exercises,

you are up that shopping centre without a credit card.

LAUGHTER

And I know, I've been there.

I used to have a weight problem.

LAUGHTER

I was quite hippy at one point.

Now put a bit of a kick into it, girls.

Very gently kicking the buttock,

giving a nice stretch to the front of the thigh, there.

Connie, kick your own buttock.

LAUGHTER

She often joked about...

the endless fitness regimes that we tend to put ourselves through,

but she was quite like that, she was quite...

concerned to maintain her own fitness,

and she couldn't have done half the job she'd done if she hadn't.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

DANCE MUSIC

SHE GROANS

Welcome to Body Conscious Fitness Facility.

Woo. I'm Pat.

I've been working at Body Conscious Fitness Facility, woo,

for three days now.

EXERCISE DANCE MUSIC STARTS Oh!

LAUGHTER

I think fitness instructors must have deeply irritated Vic,

and that's why it came out.

She was actually very fit herself.

I mean, she did... I remember when we first got together

she used to do 50 lengths at the baths, you know, no trouble.

And I was...

Getting out and having a fag.

Anyway, just got to tell you I've never actually done this aero...

aerobics class before.

In fact, I've never done any aerobics class before.

Well, I've never done any exercise before.

Because up until three days ago,

I was working in a bakery,

on the sandwich counter.

But as I said to Marilyn, you know, I'm quite strong,

cos of, like, bringing in the bread.

And I'm quite flexible cos of, like, reaching forwards for the tomatoes,

and twisting round for the margarine.

Tomatoes.

Margarine.

Tuna and sweetcorn.

Paper bags.

Try it!

Tomatoes.

Margarine. Tuna and sweetcorn.

Paper bags. Tomatoes, margarine,

tuna and sweetcorn, paper bags!

APPLAUSE

To see this person standing up there

making 5,000 people scream with laughter,

how rare is that?

Physically, she knew what to do to be funny, didn't she?

LAUGHTER

OK, get ready to step now. Get in time with the music, now.

Get in time with the music. Leading with the right.

Get in time with the music. On the beat.

Now counting down - four, three,

four, three, four, three.

Four, three, two, now.

Yeah!

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN RHYTHM

Big step.

High impact. Woo!

Woo!

Woo!

Oh, God. That's enough of that.

Ten minutes, half my ovaries will have feel out or summat.

LAUGHTER

Back leg lift. Woo!

Bow and arrow.

Now, pull up here, girls. Woo!

Pelvic muscles.

Very important muscles.

Won't help you giving birth,

but they might stop you pissing yourself at christening.

One of the funniest sketches on As Seen On TV

was when Acorn Antiques turned into a health spa,

and it was never explained.

Here we are, a nice tray of decaffeinated coffee,

-low-fat milk and sugar-free sugar.

-Goodness, how healthy.

-I enjoyed myself.

-And how was the aerobics class?

Oh, I enjoyed myself.

I had this leotard, which obviously didn't fit marvellously

because it was Mrs Overall,

and it was a bit like a size 20 or something, and Vic...

I think it was Vic that didn't want other people to see me -

she'd seen it - because it was funny...

Well, we thought it was funny.

I don't know whether people would find it funny now

but we thought it was hilarious.

When she walked on with that concertina...

..around the top of her legs,

I just was gone.

I mean, I've never been so tense anywhere.

Try and... Now, that... Well, you can see who's laughing there.

A supportive brassiere to prevent chafing and plenty of

individual attention from a qualified instructor.

It was a bit like laughing in church because, of course,

we were so slammed together, me and Vic and Duncan,

and we could feel each other...

..vibrating with laughter.

I think I'll go for a ten-mile bicycle ride.

Well, don't forget your fluorescent clothing and protective headgear.

-I won't!

-And, Berta...

-Uh-huh?

Oh, nothing, it doesn't matter.

-Now look, you two, this isn't very easy to say...

-I knew it!

The mysterious man in the bins lurking by the binoculars,

it's Trixie's twin cousin, isn't it?

They'll not rest until Acorn Antiques Leisure Centre

And Sunbed Centre has been closed down.

So you've lost a few pounds and started eating healthily.

What does society want next?

Oh, I know, your look.

You need to get your wardrobe sorted out and put a bit of slap on.

That's enough now.

Welcome to the world of Sacharelle.

APPLAUSE

This is Madeline speaking.

I'm over by the escalators between the health bar and the toothpaste.

Wendy and myself are just about to give a demonstration of Sacharelle's

new autumn range of cosmetics and skin care preparations.

If any lady would care to step up to the Sacharelle counter,

that's right by the escalators

between the health bar and the toothpaste.

Wendy will be very happy to give that lady a free make-up.

And I must stress that it is free, totally free of charge whichsoever.

LAUGHTER

Of course, any lady or gentleman wishing to purchase from

the new Sacharelle range, we have a special offer on special offer -

a free gift coming to you free with any purchase worth £36 or more.

Free gift comprising of suede-effect pochette...

..packed to the drawstring with handy-size oddments -

total in-mouth blot, eye wipe

and shimmering cleavage enhancer.

So, don't be bashful, ladies,

all the Sacharelle sales assistants are fully qualified

in all aspects of make-up and beauty therapy, on the top of which,

Wendy comes to us with a diploma from the Geneva School of

Sterilised Black Head Popping.

So if any ladies requiring a special look,

perhaps for an evening out...

..just for the sheer heck of it, then immerse yourselves in Wendy's

capable hands and experience the true magic that is Sacharelle.

Hello, Marjorie, you've been looking into the ancient

and fascinating Japanese art of bonsai, haven't you?

Hello, Joan, that's right.

With summer fast approaching, we all need to know how to

tan our bodies quickly, but more importantly, safely.

Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Joan, because as you can see,

there is a bewildering array of tanning products on the market.

I'll just show you.

-What happened to bonsai?

-Scrapped.

-Oh.

So if you want to get a nice brown tan without burning,

how do we go about it, Marjorie?

The golden rule, Joan, is, build up gradually.

First two weeks of your holiday,

stay in your hotel room with a hat and a pullover.

And if you've got an old maxi coat left over from the early '70s,

wear that too.

And if I'm 16 or 17 and have never seen a maxi coat...

If you're 16 or 17,

my advice is stay at home and get those qualifications.

So, to sum up, first two weeks in your room,

followed by three or four weeks in a full-length dressing gown,

opening the lapels for a minute or two every other day.

Never forget, you can still get a nasty sunburn even at night.

And what about holiday diarrhoea, Marjorie?

I'm still getting it every 20 minutes, Joan.

Of course, no look would be complete without some new footwear,

and so to one of Vic's most famous sketches, it's Shoe Shop.

Hello, there's a pair of shoes in the window.

Yes, that's right, we do that because it's a shoe shop.

They're a black lace-up, 15.99.

-Are they?

-Yes. Can I try them on?

-On your feet?

-Yes.

All right! Why not?

-No, sorry, sorry, the black ones. They're a flat lace-up.

-Beg pardon?

Well, those aren't flat.

Flatter now.

Yes, but they're red.

Yes, they are quite red, aren't they?

-Well, I want a black pair.

-I know.

I can never get what I want when I go shopping.

I remember the Monday coming in and her saying,

"Well, I don't know whether this is going to work."

Because it was so potty, we never knew whether it would or not.

I can remember the first night we did it in front of the audience,

and they just went mad.

It made me go madder, smashing through the window and all.

It was just heaven.

-They're in the window!

-Are they?

Out, out, out!

We think we've got hens in the skirting board.

We've had droppings by the pop socks.

Well, I think they're droppings.

Mrs Brinsley says they're Janine's liquorice all sorts

because she won't eat the black ones.

-What is it you wanted?

-Well, I want the black ones.

No, they've been swept up.

You don't think someone might come in

asking for hen droppings in a shoe shop!

It's quite interesting that Victoria Wood would be

so generous as to give Julie the more interesting part

and sit back and play the straight woman, almost.

Can I try on the black lace-ups in the window?

Well, you can, but everyone in the street will be able to see you.

Can you bring them in my size and I'll try them on here?

-Oh, all right, we're not busy.

-I'm 5.5.

You're very tall. Do you take vitamins?

My shoe size is 5.5! Do you have the black shoes in that size?

-Yes, we might have.

-Well, can you go in the stock room?

Yes, I can go anywhere here!

Toilets, back yard, they're very free and easy.

# Look at me

# I'm as helpless as a kitten. #

-Are these the ones?

-Yes.

-Yes, I don't like them.

-What?

Well, I know this woman, she had a pair,

she got knocked down by an industrial tribunal.

They're a bit tight.

Uh, Janine, can I borrow your shoehorn, please?

Thank you.

That's better.

What is it you were saying?

I was saying they're too small.

Oh, you're like me, broad-footed.

And are you a Taurus who can't stick cabbage?

-No.

-Well, you're not like me, then!

Look, I'm sorry, but I think you ought to go.

They don't like me sitting down, talking during shop hours.

-I'd like to try these in a bigger size.

-No!

I'm in enough trouble as it is.

I mean, you come in here asking for hen droppings,

you want to get changed in the window...

This is a shoe shop, not a soft porn video merchant's!

And I should know, because my husband runs one.

Well, he's not my husband,

but he rubbed up against me in a sports jacket, so he's as good as.

So, there you have it, that was our friend Victoria.

Now, let's end on something special.

A song.

And this is one of my favourites.

# Evening, girls, what is it? Double scallops

-# Jumbo sausage

-Nuggets

-# Cod

-Or skate?

# No chips

# Ah! Total eclipse

# Unless you wait

# Yeah, that's great

# At the chippy we say yippee

# And the pies will never make you gippy

# And you won't regurgitate

# Really great

-# Evening

-Evening

-# Evening

-Evening

-# Not so bad?

-The weather?

-# Could be worse

-That's right

# Can we have a bulletin?

-# The fat is hot

-The chips are in

# We're going great

# It's great

# The atmosphere is really hotting up now

# That's right

# The smell of chips begins to permeate

-# Meate

-It's an event

-# Give me that non-brewed condiment

-Now just wait

# Yeah, that's great

# At the chippy we go skippy

# Whoops

# The grease does make the lino slippy

# But we have to celebrate

# Cos it's so great

# Really great

-# We're here

-Here

-# Today

-Today

# From at least three streets away

# We come flying when you're frying

-# Steady, Eddie

-Chips are ready!

# At the chippy you go dippy

# Burn your tongue

# Get grease all round your lippy

# But it won't exasperate

# Visit the chippy when it's nippy

# And you just can't face a Mr Whippy

# And you will appreciate

# The chippy's great

-# Just breathing in could make you hyperventilate

-It's great

-# Chips and Vimto, I could drink it by the crate

-It's great

-# Daily Mirror's so much nicer than a plate

-It's great

# Bugger yoghurt, I think chips rejuvenate

# How can you hesitate?

# Does it make you salivate?

# How can we accentuate the fact we don't exaggerate?

# The chippy's great! #

Do you want to examine me, then, Doctor?

No, thank you, I had enough cold meat at lunchtime.