TV Our Friend Victoria


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Transcript


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She was one of the top, top, top comedians of the last 50 years.

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I wouldn't be an adolescent again, if you bumped my pocket money up to

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three and six.

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I've never met or worked with anyone that's remotely like Victoria.

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He fell about laughing like this.

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I could see all the cheese and onion crisps in his fillings.

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Vic was inspirational. There was no-one like her.

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Only the thought of her macaroons have kept me going.

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Funny, genius, unique.

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-Are you all right, Bren? Did you get any?

-Any sex?

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No, I had to go to the launderette.

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She was one of us.

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And we wanted to have her as a friend.

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I cut my leg last month on a mantrap that someone had left out.

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It's a beautifully crafted piece of farm machinery.

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If you ever get the chance, pop your leg in one.

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Will there ever be another?

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Doubt it.

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-Hello, I'm Reece Shearsmith.

-I'm Steve Pemberton.

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And I'm Mark Gatiss.

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One of the first things that bonded us when we were students

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in Yorkshire was our shared love of Victoria Wood.

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We first met Vic at the Television Festival in Montreux,

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where she was picking up an award for Dinnerladies.

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And I remember immediately going up to her and saying,

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"Hi, how are you?" as if we were old friends.

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Of course, none of us had ever met her before,

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but that was part of her appeal. We felt like she was our friend,

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even though we'd only ever seen her on TV.

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And so, we're delighted to get together to present this programme.

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A celebration of the finest work of our friend.

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Victoria.

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Vic was a proper telly addict.

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She'd watch anything and everything.

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In fact, the worse the programmes were, the more she enjoyed them.

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She laughed at the sheer nonsense of it all.

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So tonight, we're looking at Vic's take on television.

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I mean, look at television. Well, you ARE looking. Never mind.

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What I mean is, years ago, we used to be watching big, solid programmes

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like The Forsyte Saga and Life On Earth.

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Now the only things people like are the adverts and the soap operas.

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I mean, it's coming to something when the whole nation tunes in

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to see whether the boy from the Oxo commercial has passed his exams.

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And video.

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I mean, years ago, if your favourite programme was on and you had

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to go out, you missed it. Now you can preset your date,

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your time and your channel, go out, come back,

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and watch half a Czechoslovakian cartoon and a recipe.

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And remote control. I mean, it's so easy to change channels.

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You can do it without even noticing.

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I leant on mine once and thought Gorbachev had won the 3-2-1 holiday.

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She realised how powerful television was.

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Cos it was powerful for her, so she knew...

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It's in your home. You know, it's there, accessible, all the time.

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And people are addicted to it.

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Well, especially before social media,

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they REALLY were addicted to it.

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So it was very powerful and important

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as a form of entertainment.

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If this show is all about telly and laughing at it,

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then why don't we tune in to a typical day of telly

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from Vic's unique perspective? Let's start with a cup of tea,

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a slice of toast and a bit of breakfast TV.

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Good morning. Welcome to day one of our regional breakfast time

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experiment. I don't know what sort of morning YOU are having,

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but I got up at 3:30am and travelled to work in a bus full of

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chain-smoking navvies. It's now 6:35am.

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I can't take my rollers out before seven o'clock.

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But, of course, my loyalty to the company means I will wholeheartedly

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co-operate with this innovative and, in my opinion, loopy scheme.

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Good morning.

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She cannibalised TV to then...

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..do her sketches.

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And that is part and parcel of how she was,

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I think, why she was so successful,

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because you recognised all the people that she was...skewering.

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-Good morning.

-Hi, there.

-I'm Sally Cumbernauld.

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This is Martin Crosthwaite.

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-How are you?

-Oh, chipping in already!

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No, I love him. Don't be fooled by the names - we are married.

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We certainly are. And welcome to the start of a brand-new programme.

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BBC One's All Day Breakfast.

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Yes, we'll be on air right from breakfast time...

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-..all through the day.

-Oh, bedtime at least.

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So you'd better get used to our ugly mugs, cos you're going to see

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-a lot of us.

-Oh! Speak for yourself!

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No, I love him.

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Well, we have tonnes of stuff lined up for you.

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I'll be talking to Lulu about how a revolutionary new treatment has

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brought hope to literally thousands

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of sufferers from split ends.

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And I'll be discussing with no embarrassment at all,

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female problems, such as wonky wombs and faulty fallopians. Can't wait.

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We did do, yeah, spoof chat shows or morning television.

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Loosely based on Richard and Judy and things like that.

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Do you know, I used to do that just as well as I possibly could.

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I wasn't acting. It was really just trying to do it.

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I thought, "I might have a little job here when I finish here."

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And so I did it my very best!

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We'll be keeping you up-to-date on the weather and the stock market.

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And Mavis Nicholson will be phoning in from those Welsh borders

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with all the latest calorie values.

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-So stick around.

-So that's coming up.

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Meanwhile, it's exercise time with our very own Jolly Polly.

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And something a bit new from the BBC - hope you like it, we do -

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a commercial break.

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Because you are a woman.

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Because you wear beautiful things.

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Because you like to feel safe, whatever you're wearing.

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Because even pretty girls have...cycles.

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Bicycle clips for women.

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Hello. Want to wear a bra, but you don't want to wear a woman's bra?

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Just For Men acts like a woman's bra,

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but feels and looks totally masculine.

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New wide-apart straps keep clear of collar and tie,

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and snap-proof banding means it won't ride up

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during competitive sport or locker-room horseplay.

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Just For Men. The bra that's wasted on women.

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We asked you what you wanted in a detergent.

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I'd like it to get clothes REALLY clean without fading today's

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-snazzy colours.

-I'd like it to digest repellent fat stains,

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even at low, low temperatures.

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I'd like it to remove sweaty stenches that embarrass me

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-when I'm ironing.

-Anything else?

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Yes. Because we care about the environment...

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-Yes?

-We'd like it to be in a green box.

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If you are lucky enough to be at home all day,

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then why not watch daytime TV?

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Daytime TV is a bit like an out-of-town shopping centre,

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packed full of things that you think you might need, but actually,

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-you don't really want.

-Nevertheless,

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it provided Vic with a rich seam from which to mine her comedy.

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We'll have more needlework hints next week,

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when Philippa will be showing us how to stitch up the mouth

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of a talkative friend or relative. And now, as usual, on Fridays,

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it's over to Marjorie to see what sort of week SHE'S been having.

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Hello, Marjorie. What sort of week have you been having?

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Well, hello, Joan. I've been having a VERY hectic time.

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On Monday, my husband and I tiled the bathroom. More of that later.

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And on Tuesday, we filed for divorce.

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So, do you think you might follow the trend, Marjorie,

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of the rather worn-out, middle-aged woman

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shacking up with the much-younger man?

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Well, it's certainly worth looking into, Joan.

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One of the things I do like about young men

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is that they tend not to wear pyjamas.

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By pyjamas, you mean nightwear generally?

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Yes, and striped garments in particular.

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Yes, because I know from our postbag, Marjorie,

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a lot of our viewers find folding pyjamas quite an arduous task.

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That's right, Joan. Often leading to lower back pain, depression,

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dependence on tranquillising drugs

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and sadly, alas, to suicide.

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Gosh.

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It's the hidden depths of it.

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Yes, the layers underneath that are so cleverly written into it,

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that they really hate one another, that's right.

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And it's gorgeous, isn't it?

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You're waiting for it to come out.

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"Please will you move away? Your breath smells."

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You've also been looking at double glazing, haven't you, Marjorie?

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CHEAP double glazing, Joan.

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With the emphasis on the cheap, rather than the glazing.

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-Absolutely.

-So, in effect, we don't have to spend £3,000,

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£4,000 or £5,000 keeping our homes draught-free.

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-No. So...

-So, how do we go about it?

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I'm sorry. Could you just move away? Your breath smells. Thanks.

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Awful, patronising and middle-class, basically.

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The sort of women she would loathe.

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Marjorie and I are heading for the three-star Clifftop Hotel,

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where single people of all sexes are hoping for

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sun, fun and a little bit of mountaineering.

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Well, a bumpy five-hour drive on badly tarmacked B roads

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wouldn't suit everybody, but we're both raring to pick up our bags

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and get going.

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The blue Samsonite, please.

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No, that's the lot. Sorry.

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Well, after a few of the hotel's speciality cocktails,

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the ice is well and truly broken.

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Everyone's having a marvellous time!

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Over to you, Marjorie. Cheers.

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You don't need to phone your wife.

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Come on!

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42 in April and no bra. Not bad, eh?

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And I might try that later in the week.

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Now it's off to bed because, believe you me,

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tomorrow is to be a VERY full day.

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Well, this is the highlight of the holiday, as far as I'm concerned.

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A two-day course in simple mountaineering.

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It is a marvellous way for single people to get to know one another,

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because in a life-and-death situation like this,

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you are totally dependent on your climbing partner.

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Marjorie? I'm coming up.

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OK.

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If Marjorie were to let her concentration lapse

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for just one second, I could literally...

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Well...

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That's it. Happy holidays.

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Bye!

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When are they taking the pins out?

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-They're not.

-Bad luck.

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And so, now to our early-evening TV viewings.

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You've just come in from work, tea is on the go,

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so why not put your feet up and relax?

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Indulge yourself in the glut of soap operas that are on offer -

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or, as they call them nowadays, continuing dramas.

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And now it's time for our serial, Acorn Antiques.

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And or those of you living outside the London area,

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who probably aren't very intelligent and can't remember the plot,

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let me just remind you that last week

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Babs received a mysterious visitor,

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Mrs Overall came out of hospital,

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and Mr Kenneth went on a secret trip into Manchesterford.

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Oh, I beg your pardon. That was the previous week.

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The fact is, Mrs O,

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my life seems completely grey, bleak and pointless.

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Well, yes. Sometimes that's God's way

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of getting you to enjoy Gardeners' World.

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You're smiling - things can't be all that bad.

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Oh, bloody Nora!

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Oh, no you're not. Oh, Mr Clifford, what shocking news.

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Well...

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I finally winkled it out of him, Miss Babs.

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And it took some winkling.

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Don't say any more, Mrs O. The baby alarm was on

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in the antiques packing department.

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Berta and I heard the whole darn thing.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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With Acorn Antiques,

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everyone knows that it was based on a certain soap opera called

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Crossroads. The moving scenery, the slightly bad cues,

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everybody getting it slightly wrong, the camera shots,

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the boom mic in shot.

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And having been in that particular soap opera myself for real,

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in the early '80s, I think Victoria loved that.

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And she used to love my stories about Crossroads.

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Hello, Mrs O. I thought I'd bring my OWN coffee cup down today.

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You know, it still tastes a little bit odd.

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What sort of little bit odd?

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Oh, I don't know. Almost as if someone was trying to kill me.

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Oh! You are an old silly Billy.

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-(Get back!)

-Well, you see, I am a majority shareholder

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in Acorn Antiques since Berta's amnesia. If I were to die,

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that would certainly suit cousin Jerez.

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There's been a new development over Berta's father's will.

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A new one has been found, dated the day he died.

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Who's the sole beneficiary now?

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That's the problem.

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It's a little redhead he met in the blackout in 1943.

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They had one night of passion and he never saw her again.

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Excuse me, Miss Babs and Miss Berta, can I have a word?

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Well, if it's to ask me for another job for your untrustworthy cousin,

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then the answer is no.

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His last little escapade cost me £32 in French polish,

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not to mention apologising to every Asian grocer between here and

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-Manchesterford.

-No, it's not that.

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It's your father, Miss Berta.

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He's been seen in the Post Office.

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My father's dead.

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It was done quite seriously.

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The secret was we never, ever did it in front of an audience.

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So maybe we didn't know

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quite how funny it was.

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Certainly the cameramen didn't know,

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because they were mystified

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as to why we were banging into the furniture,

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and I was putting the phone down and it was still ringing.

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I must be Miss Berta's twin brother, then, Miss Babs.

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Yes, run along and tell her, Derek!

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Oh, it's been a...

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Both talking at the same time there, Mrs O.

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-BABS CLEARS HER THROAT

-Oh, I was just going to say

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somebody better answer that phone.

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-PHONE STARTS RINGING

-I suppose I better answer it.

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YOU answer it and I'll get you a nice cup of...hot cup of coffee.

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You don't have to.

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After all, you are the sole proprietor of Acorn Antiques now.

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Hello?

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There's definitely nobody I know

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who didn't find Acorn Antiques funny.

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And you go, "Well, what was it?"

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And it was just the chemistry of all of those characters, I think,

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you know? And because it was again, you know, a mick take of, you know,

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the Crossroads type programme, daytime soaps, you know,

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with wobbly furniture and, you know, bad acting,

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but it was just pitch perfect.

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APPLAUSE

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And sadly I've given up on Crossroads, I'm afraid,

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since Miss Diane died.

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That was very upsetting.

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She lost the will to live, apparently.

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Mind you, if I'd been in Crossroads for 20 years,

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I'd have lost the will to live!

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And I got very confused when people from The Archers

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started turning up in Crossroads. And I thought,

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would it be a good idea if everybody from Crossroads

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turned up in EastEnders?

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No, not everybody - just Benny.

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That would be good.

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But he wouldn't have to say anything,

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he could just sit in Pat Beale's cleavage with his hat on, smiling.

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I've got a friend who watches television all day,

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right from Wincey Willis via That's My Dog,

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down to the Open University things about germs.

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And I said to her, "Do you think television has killed

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"the art of conversation?"

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She said, "Erm..."

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Talk about killing the art of conversation -

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look at those two, watching catch-up TV on their Smartphones.

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But there was one more soap filled with chatter that Vic loved,

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and she couldn't help having a laugh at that, either.

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MUSIC: Theme from Coronation Street

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Oh, thank you, Ena. And good health, everybody.

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I'll give you good health, Minnie Caldwell.

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Ooh, Ena, I'm sure I never meant...

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You never do mean, Minnie Caldwell, so think on and look sharp.

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Sup up and shut up.

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I've heard enough skriking in this bug hutch to last me

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from Weatherfield Viaduct to Whit-week Walk.

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It's a lovely milk stout, Ena.

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By the thump, Minnie Caldwell, you take the barm cake, you do!

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Oh, leave her be, Ena Sharples, you've a chip on your shoulder

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that big, Jackson's Chippy couldn't come up with t'vinegar.

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Put a pikelet in it, Martha Longhurst,

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and you might hear something to your own advantage.

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Happen I might, Ena Sharples.

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-What's to do?

-Oh, yes, Ena, what's to do?

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Well, I keep my trap shut and my lug 'oles open - unlike some folk

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I could mention, and you can pick up some very interesting conversations

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if you keep your hairnet jammed up against t'vestry wall.

0:17:470:17:49

By 'eck, Ena Sharples,

0:17:490:17:51

you weren't behind t'mangle when they handed out stair rods.

0:17:510:17:55

Ooh, Ena. What have you heard?

0:17:550:17:58

That stuck-up Ida Barlow, who's no better than she should be,

0:17:580:18:01

it'll be not too long before she falls under a bus.

0:18:010:18:03

Harry Hewitt'll likely get crushed under the axle of his own van,

0:18:030:18:07

and as for Valerie Barlow, and if this isn't the judgment for setting

0:18:070:18:10

herself up in her own front parlour as a so-called hair stylist,

0:18:100:18:13

then my name's not Ena Sharples. From what I hear, it's two clogs to

0:18:130:18:16

a thrupenny bit she'll electrocute herself with her own hairdryer.

0:18:160:18:19

But what about the poor little twins, Ena?

0:18:190:18:22

Their Peter and their Susan?

0:18:220:18:23

Off up to Scotland. Coming back after 20 years,

0:18:230:18:26

without so much as a Scottish accent.

0:18:260:18:27

Oh, that is nice. I must tell my Bobby.

0:18:270:18:31

Is that all?

0:18:310:18:33

All, Martha Longhurst? I should think it is all.

0:18:330:18:36

I can't stand round listening to gossip all day like some folk.

0:18:360:18:38

I've clinkers to riddle and pots to scythe.

0:18:380:18:40

Did you not hear nowt about me?

0:18:400:18:42

Happen I did, Martha Longhurst,

0:18:420:18:44

and happen I didn't. But I tell you one thing,

0:18:440:18:48

you won't be wanting this.

0:18:480:18:49

It's late evening now. Shall we stay up and watch a bit of reality TV?

0:18:590:19:02

A documentary? That's what Victoria obviously did,

0:19:020:19:05

because she made the most perfect pastiches of those programmes too.

0:19:050:19:10

How are you feeling? Very mixed, basically.

0:19:120:19:15

A little bit schizoid.

0:19:150:19:17

Do you think this talent show is crucial?

0:19:170:19:19

Never mind crucial - it's bloody important.

0:19:190:19:22

-Make or break?

-Make or break, spot-on.

0:19:220:19:24

Win or lose, double or quits,

0:19:240:19:26

que sera sera, Three Coins In A Fountain,

0:19:260:19:28

Bachelor Boy, this is it.

0:19:280:19:30

Do you WANT to be a star?

0:19:300:19:32

I've got the perm, I've got the suit.

0:19:320:19:35

I've got the same vinyl flooring as Felicity Kendal.

0:19:350:19:37

Why should some other bastard pick up 40 grand

0:19:370:19:39

for advertising microwave ovens?

0:19:390:19:41

What she managed to do with pastiche

0:19:410:19:44

is to talk about something that IS about being in the world of telly,

0:19:440:19:49

being successful, being rich and famous,

0:19:490:19:54

but still keeping something that is universal about it,

0:19:540:19:59

and that ordinary people can connect to.

0:19:590:20:03

So that you felt it was authentic and genuine and funny and sad.

0:20:030:20:08

Are you VERY nervous?

0:20:100:20:11

Yeah.

0:20:110:20:13

It's a bit like drowning.

0:20:130:20:15

They're all passing before my eyes.

0:20:150:20:16

What are?

0:20:160:20:18

All my previous hairstyles.

0:20:180:20:19

Just a reminder about our postal votes...

0:20:190:20:22

So what went wrong?

0:20:220:20:24

It was the lights.

0:20:240:20:27

They're just so bloody hot, you know.

0:20:270:20:29

After a couple of minutes in that heat, I knew I was losing it.

0:20:290:20:32

-I could feel it going.

-What was going?

0:20:320:20:35

The delivery? The rapport with the audience?

0:20:350:20:38

No, the bloody perm.

0:20:380:20:40

It's heartbreaking.

0:20:420:20:44

So who DID win Star Search, and have you found your star?

0:20:460:20:51

Oh, I think so. I've just been telling her.

0:20:510:20:55

She'll have to shave her legs!

0:20:550:20:57

They were really well done, those mini documentaries,

0:20:570:21:01

and I can't think of anyone who did that before her.

0:21:010:21:05

May I ask what you're doing here?

0:21:050:21:07

We've come about the test-tube babies and that.

0:21:070:21:09

We want a test tube baby.

0:21:090:21:11

Why - are there problems?

0:21:110:21:12

We've only got a maisonette so a little tiny test-tube...

0:21:120:21:16

No, they grow to a normal size - they're conceived in the test-tube.

0:21:160:21:20

We'll never both fit in.

0:21:220:21:24

-How you getting on?

-We've been having tests.

0:21:290:21:32

-Fertility?

-For something - I don't know if it was tility.

0:21:320:21:35

I had to go in a bathroom with a sexy sort of magazine.

0:21:350:21:38

-How did you get on?

-I could read MOST of it.

0:21:380:21:40

-What happened in the end?

-We didn't get one.

0:21:430:21:46

-You didn't get what?

-A baby.

0:21:460:21:47

They said we had to wait nine months or something.

0:21:470:21:50

The things they wanted us to do...

0:21:500:21:51

Sections of intercost or something.

0:21:510:21:53

-It was horrible.

-Well, everybody does it, you know.

0:21:530:21:55

They don't! Come on.

0:21:570:22:00

Go on, get out of it, you woolly article.

0:22:040:22:08

You've only got to look at things like The Office,

0:22:090:22:11

and people now, big series were made out of them,

0:22:110:22:13

but she was doing those right, right at the beginning,

0:22:130:22:16

those sort of reality...

0:22:160:22:17

You know, they were sort of mock, fly-on-the-wall things that she did,

0:22:170:22:21

that now, you know, we've unfortunately got channels

0:22:210:22:24

stuffed full of them now, haven't we?

0:22:240:22:26

And now BBC Braindead continues with more of Stacey Leanne's exploits

0:22:260:22:30

on that luxury liner.

0:22:300:22:32

Oh, I can't believe it's the last night of the cruise tonight.

0:22:320:22:35

I'm filling up now, just thinking about it.

0:22:350:22:37

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Are you decent?

0:22:370:22:38

Oh, you're ten years too late. Whacky sense of humour.

0:22:380:22:41

-You're rushing. Take your time.

-I know what it is.

0:22:410:22:44

-Come on.

-So here we go.

0:22:440:22:46

Are you ready? OK, so it goes, announcement, spotlight, on I come.

0:22:460:22:51

# La-da-da-daaa. #

0:22:510:22:52

No, it's spotlight, announcement, on you come.

0:22:520:22:55

What am I like? It is only 2.00 in the afternoon

0:22:550:22:57

and I'm already doolally, she cried. Let me just check,

0:22:570:22:59

-you're wearing your gold...

-My white DJ, yes.

0:22:590:23:01

You're going to look gorgeous. No, he looks gorgeous anyway, don't he?

0:23:010:23:04

No, I love him, she lied. No, I'm only kidding.

0:23:040:23:06

Come in, Paul.

0:23:060:23:07

Seen it all before anyway. We had a bit of a drunken fumble, didn't we,

0:23:080:23:11

Boxing night? Anyway, the baps are back in the bread bin now.

0:23:110:23:14

Not coming out till New Year - promises, promises.

0:23:140:23:17

Ooh, is that the gel in my full spot?

0:23:170:23:19

-Yes.

-I don't like it, Paul, I'm sorry, but I don't.

0:23:190:23:21

I think Pete's gone on his break now.

0:23:210:23:24

Do you want me to go up and change it?

0:23:240:23:25

Oh, would you? Ain't he gorgeous?

0:23:250:23:27

In fact, could you just nip up and change the whole thing, do you mind?

0:23:270:23:29

-No.

-Could you just make it more razzmatazzy?

-Yes.

0:23:290:23:31

-More showbiz-y.

-Fine.

-Warmer, more northern.

0:23:310:23:34

Oh, bless him.

0:23:340:23:36

Just tell you, I'm sure he won't mind me mentioning this, she added,

0:23:360:23:38

he took an overdose the other week. It was really upsetting,

0:23:380:23:41

cos it was one of those days when you weren't here.

0:23:410:23:43

There's me walking him round the deck in stilettos,

0:23:430:23:45

nobody filming it. Are you there? Can you just start with the one

0:23:450:23:48

on the end? Can you reach it?

0:23:480:23:49

CRASH!

0:23:490:23:51

I'll just wait till he gets back up.

0:23:510:23:52

Look. Have a look at these. Look. £3.99 Keighley Market.

0:23:520:23:55

-Can you see? Look, treble clef, cos I'm musical.

-Half an hour, Stacey.

0:23:550:23:58

Oh, are you all right?

0:23:580:23:59

You know, he fell off the lighting rig this afternoon.

0:23:590:24:01

There's me trying to get the lighting right, he's screaming

0:24:010:24:04

in agony, apparently. I never even noticed, I'm so professional.

0:24:040:24:07

I'm sorry, but I am.

0:24:070:24:08

He won't mind me telling you, hurt his testicles apparently. Not nice.

0:24:080:24:11

I wouldn't know, not being a man -

0:24:110:24:14

yet, she added madly.

0:24:140:24:15

-Have a good show.

-Oh, what a lovely thing to say,

0:24:150:24:18

I'm filling up again now.

0:24:180:24:20

No, carry on filming.

0:24:200:24:22

ALL: So there you have it, that was our friend Victoria

0:24:270:24:30

and her take on TV.

0:24:300:24:32

-Should we end on a song?

-We end on a song.

-We end on a song!

0:24:320:24:35

-All right.

-Cos I looked away.

0:24:350:24:38

-Again.

-So there you have it.

0:24:390:24:41

That was our friend Victoria and her take on TV.

0:24:410:24:44

Shall we end on a song?

0:24:440:24:46

Well, yes, I think we should.

0:24:460:24:47

Not us. Victoria.

0:24:490:24:51

APPLAUSE

0:24:510:24:53

# We're off in a charrie from Ratcliffe

0:24:590:25:01

-# Marie and...

-Clary...

0:25:010:25:02

# And Min

0:25:020:25:03

# Out for a day at the seaside, where do we begin?

0:25:030:25:07

# Ian McCaskill the weatherman had said it would be fine

0:25:070:25:10

# It started out quite cloudy, then the sun began to shine

0:25:100:25:14

-# So I had a cornet...

-And I had a wafer...

0:25:140:25:16

# And I had a 99

0:25:160:25:18

# And I think I've dropped some Flake behind me vest

0:25:180:25:21

# Oh, Min!

0:25:210:25:22

# We went around the waxworks, we should have saved our brass

0:25:220:25:26

# One of the dummies was label-less

0:25:260:25:28

# We pushed her through the glass

0:25:280:25:30

# It could have been Bishop Makarios

0:25:300:25:32

# It could have been Alfie Bass

0:25:320:25:33

# But now we're doing what we like the best

0:25:330:25:36

# Which is sitting on the prom, showing a lot of bum

0:25:370:25:41

# And giving the passers-by a fine display

0:25:410:25:45

# Of knicker lace and winceyette

0:25:450:25:47

# As the sun begins to set

0:25:470:25:49

# At the end of a lovely day

0:25:490:25:52

# We've paddled and been on the donkeys, Marie and Clary and Min

0:25:550:25:58

# We passed a type of booth thing

0:25:580:26:00

# Fortunes told within

0:26:000:26:02

# Gypsy Petulengro

0:26:020:26:04

# Genuine gypsy born

0:26:040:26:06

# She had an enormous photograph of her with Frankie Vaughan

0:26:060:26:10

-# So I had some cockles...

-And I had some mussels

0:26:100:26:12

# And I had a giant prawn

0:26:120:26:14

# But I had to throw five eighths of it away

0:26:140:26:16

# Oh, Min!

0:26:160:26:17

# The band were playing Star Wars and bits of The King and I

0:26:170:26:21

# And that terrible South Pacific

0:26:210:26:23

# Heaven alone knows why

0:26:230:26:25

# And they all got sick to the dentures

0:26:250:26:27

# Of Valley blinkin' High

0:26:270:26:30

# But now we've got the best bit of the day

0:26:300:26:34

# We're oft here on the front

0:26:340:26:36

# Showing, to be blunt

0:26:360:26:38

# The bits that don't so often get the air

0:26:380:26:41

# Bloomer legs well apart

0:26:410:26:43

# Supporters from Exchange & Mart

0:26:430:26:46

# And some cellular thermal wear

0:26:460:26:50

# We've been in all the gift shops

0:26:590:27:01

-# Marie and...

-Clary...

0:27:010:27:02

# And Min

0:27:020:27:03

# We're totally, totally loopy for gifts for kith and kin

0:27:030:27:07

# But first we had our dinner

0:27:070:27:09

# We should have stuck to hake

0:27:090:27:11

# We went into one of those burger dos

0:27:110:27:13

# And that was a big mistake

0:27:130:27:15

-# I had a burger...

-And I had a burger

0:27:150:27:17

# And I had a chocolate shake

0:27:170:27:19

# And I sucked me froth up with me straw

0:27:190:27:21

# Oh, Min!

0:27:210:27:22

# We bought some quite nice coasters to match me three-piece suite

0:27:220:27:26

# And a plate with Lady Di on for serving potted meat

0:27:260:27:30

# And a tiny tin of laxatives, shaped like a... #

0:27:300:27:33

-Min!

-# Seat

0:27:330:27:34

# But now we're doing what we came here for

0:27:340:27:39

# We've really got it made

0:27:390:27:41

# On the esplanade

0:27:410:27:44

# Showing everything we've got, it's true

0:27:440:27:48

# Stocking tops, suspender belts

0:27:480:27:50

# Loads of gusset and bags of whelks

0:27:500:27:55

# Cos there's bob-all else to do. #

0:27:550:27:59

APPLAUSE

0:27:590:28:02

And later on, we have the British premiere

0:28:320:28:34

of the rarely performed Spanish opera by Leopoldo Gutierrez.

0:28:340:28:38

Miseria En Una Lavanderia.

0:28:380:28:40

I'm wasted here, really, aren't I?

0:28:400:28:42

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