The Reporter Parks and Recreation


The Reporter

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Here's a good example of a plant that you can't eat.

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So, two things. One, it's poisonous. And two, it would hurt.

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'The Parks Department has so many programmes.'

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Jerry's in charge of our pre-teen nature hikes.

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For a while, it was a teenage nature hike,

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but then we changed it because a girl got pregnant.

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Look what we have here, country honeysuckle, Pawnee-style.

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-Yeah, take a look at that.

-Wow.

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It's pretty and it smells good.

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Mmm. Smells great.

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-Yeah, it's really nice.

-Mmm.

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-That's bitter.

-Leslie, you don't eat it.

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-Oh! Why did you let me eat that?

-I never told you to eat that.

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Oh! God.

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Leslie, the animals know you don't eat the country honeysuckle.

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-My tongue is swelling up.

-No, don't touch it! OK, now you'll have to throw that away.

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-Let's not scare the kids.

-OK.

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-All right.

-Well, there we go then.

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Let's see what else is here.

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But I have to say, there's a very sweet aftertaste though.

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So I have a piece of good news.

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I've invited a reporter to come do an article

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about the pit behind your house.

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She writes for the Pawnee Journal,

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which is kind of like our town's Washington Post.

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That sounds really good.

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Thank you, Ann. It is a classic strategy.

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The press is a weapon and you can use it to kill people or to feed people.

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You know, the beginning of projects are very vulnerable,

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and you have to make sure that you get a lot of press,

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the momentum of that can kind of keep it alive, or else it'll die.

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I'm sure you remember the Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project.

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The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea

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that just ran out of steam.

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We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%,

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when we were shut down due to lack of funding.

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To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises.

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One penis in particular.

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Now, when the reporter gets here,

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it is vital that we all follow my rules

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about how to deal with the media.

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Rule number one, stay on message. This is key.

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All we need to talk about is the pit,

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and the fact that we're going to turn it into a park.

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And that's it. OK?

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Number two...

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What? Stay on message again?

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Yes, it's that important.

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It's one and two. Stay on message and stay on message. Right?

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-Stay on what, Ann?

-Message.

-Great.

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'Leslie formed a committee to fill the pit in a week,'

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which is really impressive.

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I mean, until now, my only experience with government

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was trying to get a recycling bin.

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Wait. Did I ever get it?

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-Bye, Leslie.

-Bye, Ann.

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-Hey, Mark?

-Yeah.

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Buy you a cup of coffee?

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This is JJ's Diner, the unofficial meeting place of Pawnee's political elite.

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The people who eat here basically run this town.

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So, listen, I was hoping maybe I could pick your brain

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about how to deal with the media. It's my first interview.

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What about that thing you did for the middle school newspaper last year?

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Oh. No. I don't count that. That was a smear job.

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So I put together some discussion topics. Can I run them by you?

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OK.

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What do you think her opening gambit is going to be?

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What will she ask me first?

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-How you spell your name.

-Of course.

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-Because of the silent "K." You're so smart.

-Yeah.

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OK, now should I give her a tour of the building...

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How many discussion questions do you have there?

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Um... Thirty.

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Wow!

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-You're insane.

-You're insane.

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SHE LAUGHS

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'Mark and I made love once.'

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And it was very intense.

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Hi, I'm looking for Leslie Knope.

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-OK.

-LESLIE:

-Oh!

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-My ears are ringing. Hi.

-Hi.

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-I'm Leslie Knope.

-Hi.

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I'm the deputy director of Parks and Recreation.

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-Shauna.

-Malwae-Tweep. Yes, I am familiar with your work.

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I've read everything you've ever written.

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You did an amazing in-depth article on the raccoon problem here in Pawnee.

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SHE GASPS

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Who left the door open? No! No! No!

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And I agree with you. They are nature's bandits.

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Thanks. I was happy with that line.

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So, can I give you a quick tour before we get started?

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I've been here before. A few times.

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-Quick tour?

-OK.

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So there are ten murals here in this hallway.

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And this is called "The trial of Chief Wamapo".

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It was painted in 1936 and this is Chief Wamapo

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and he was convicted of crimes against the soldiers.

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I am always amazed at his quiet dignity...

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..right before he's killed by a cannonball.

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I'm surprised no-one's complained about this.

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Oh, tons of people have. Yeah, we get letters every day.

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This is Ron Swanson, our boss.

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Ron, this is the reporter I was telling you about.

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-No comment.

-About what?

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Hey, Haverford, maybe one day you'll figure out how to spell a three-letter word.

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-SIGHS:

-Come on, Ron.

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I play a lot of online Scrabble with my boss, Ron Swanson,

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and, oh, my God, that guy is the best.

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He beats me every time. He kills me. He's awesome.

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I can't beat him. I should just close my account.

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HE GRUNTS

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Well, Shauna, this is our crack team.

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-Hi, everyone.

-Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.

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That's a weird way to describe me.

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April Ludgate, 19.

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Cool enough to be invited anywhere and chooses to be here.

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And finally, we've got Ann Perkins and Andy Dwyer.

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They're the real heroes of this story.

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Ann was the citizen who brought the pit to our attention.

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And Andy is the citizen who fell in it.

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Great. It's cool if I record this, right?

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Yeah. Good. That way it's verbatim.

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So, Leslie, you're in charge of the committee.

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I'm sorry. It's actually called a subcommittee, not a committee, so.

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We can do all this on tape.

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Right. Sorry. Sure we can.

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And this is where you meet, generally?

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Really?

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We meet at a bunch of different places. We don't always meet here.

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So I didn't quite know how to answer that.

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OK, why don't I ask the rest of your team some questions

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and then we will come back to you later?

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OK, great. That's a good idea.

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Because these are the real heroes. I'll be in my office.

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So, Andy, tell me about the night you fell into the pit.

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Oh. Yeah. That's actually a great story.

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I just finished up a gig with my band Three Skin,

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formerly Four Skin, but our bassist left for personal reasons.

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And I was taking a shortcut home,

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and I thought I saw a toaster lying in the pit.

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And I was like, "Maybe I should get that."

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And I fell in and broke my legs.

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Such a tragedy.

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Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit?

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I don't know. I was pretty wasted.

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Wait. You were drunk?

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-Oh, yeah. Totally. You knew that.

-I didn't know that, no.

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We gave you anaesthesia at the hospital.

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I was probably not thinking cos I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.

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I can't believe I'm just finding this out right now.

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Like you're perfect. You're on the pill. You drink all the time.

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-You're allowed to do that.

-Stay on message.

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Thank you so much for bringing that up in front of a reporter.

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Leslie, it's not that bad, right?

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I mean, why don't we just go back in there and talk about the park?

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Oh, Ann. You're so sweet and innocent and pretty.

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The press are like sharks, and you guys just dumped a bucket of chum in the water.

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Hey, I just got your 15 texts.

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Mark. Listen, thank you for coming.

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-I tried to stay on message.

-Mmm-hmm.

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But then, Ann and Andy sandbagged me.

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Andy was drunk when he fell in the pit.

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And it turns out that Ann is on birth-control pills.

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-OK.

-Shauna is in the conference room,

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and she's writing a really bad article and it'll destroy us all.

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Please fix it.

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April, let me ask you something.

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Do you think I'm in the top five best-looking Indian guys in Pawnee?

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-No.

-Who do you think's got me beat?

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That guy Hashish at City Planning?

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Tommy boy. Let me tell you something, Tom.

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-You suck at Scrabble.

-I know. You're destroying me.

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You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble.

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And she's a bitch.

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-Look out, man. I'll get you one of these days. I'm practising.

-I doubt that.

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Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Hey, Leslie. I have to go.

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Let's do the interview tomorrow morning at the pit.

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Yeah. Perfect.

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Great. I'll have a photographer meet us there.

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-OK. Great.

-See you then.

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Disaster averted.

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-SHAUNA:

-That was easy, right?

-MARK: Yeah?

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-SHAUNA:

-Can we go in your car?

-Absolutely.

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Cos I hate driving.

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There's a beautiful view from over there.

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This is a great place to take a shot. Over there as well, so...

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CAR HORN I think you're fine.

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Hi!

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Hi. Sorry I'm late.

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Oh, no problem.

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Do you live near Mark?

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No, not at all.

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So he gave you a ride somehow?

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Yeah.

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You know, do you have a pen? Cos I don't...

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No, sorry.

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-Michael, do you have any paper I could borrow?

-I might, yeah.

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I don't mean to complain, but I think Shauna is being a little unprofessional.

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She got here 15 minutes late.

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She's wearing the same dress she wore yesterday.

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And she had to get a ride from...

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So how big is this lot?

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-Leslie, how big is...

-What?

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-How big is the lot? The lot?

-How big is what?

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I don't know. You tell me. How big is the lot?

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A hundred or something. Give or take 100. I don't know.

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-A hundred what?

-I don't know, Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

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I don't know. I don't... I guess I don't know anything.

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-Are you OK?

-I have to get something from my car.

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-What are you doing?

-Kicking Ron's butt at Scrabble.

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-I just played lexicons for a billion points.

-No, no, no, no, no.

-What?

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I was letting him win, dumbass.

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-Whatever.

-Oh. Come on. "Lateral, communal, zonal"?

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You dropped a "Z" in there? April.

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So when did you start at the Parks Department?

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Well, it was a few years ago.

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My mother got me the job.

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I was qualified. It's not like it was nepotism.

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Crap on a stick. OK, technically, yes, it was nepotism.

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But... Oh, my God. No, it wasn't.

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Sorry. It's not you. I just...

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-I'm exhausted. I got, like, zero sleep last night.

-So...

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SHE SIGHS

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Oh.

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-Hey, Leslie. Hey!

-You're home.

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Yeah, I'm home.

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I was doing an interview at the pit, and it was going really well.

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In fact, it was going perfect. But I decided to leave in the middle of it

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cos I figured I nailed it so why push it, right?

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-Yeah.

-Can I come in?

-Sure, yeah.

-Great.

-Come on in.

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So how'd it go? She didn't ask about Andy being drunk, did she?

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Oh. No. No, just your kind of standard questions.

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There was one annoying thing.

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She and Mark had sex with each other.

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You're kidding.

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I wish I was, but I'm not. They did it.

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Shauna Malwae-Tweep and Mark Brendanawicz

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had sex with each other last night.

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-Who had sex?

-That guy Mark and the reporter.

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Called it. I called that.

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-You remember that?

-Yeah.

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He did, actually. He totally called that.

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Why do men have to behave like this?

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Why can't they be professionals?

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-Men are dogs.

-You know, maybe they really like each other.

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He doesn't like her.

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He was probably thinking with the head of his wiener

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instead of the head of his brain.

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-Oh, God. Andy, come on.

-Men do that. It's disgusting.

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Well, I should go talk to him.

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Make sure that he didn't say anything to hurt the project.

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Yeah. Definitely, you should talk to him.

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Yeah. Good idea, Ann.

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-I bet he didn't use a condom.

-Andy, God!

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Hello, Mark. May I come into your office?

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I need to speak with you about something very sensitive.

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Something's come to my attention that requires your attention.

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It has come to my attention that you had sex with Ms Malwae-Tweep.

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That's personal.

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It's unethical and it's irresponsible for a public servant to have sex

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with a member of the press corps.

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Especially when you have sex with someone who is so skanky.

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I mean, have sex with her and...

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I'm going to say something. I don't want you to take it the wrong way.

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But you're being a huge dork.

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Well, I can't allow that kind of behaviour from someone serving on my sub-committee.

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Well, then I resign from your sub-committee.

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'Shauna Malwae-Tweep.'

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Hi, this is deputy director of Parks and Recreation...

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-'Leslie?' Hi.

-Yes, hi.

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I accidentally ate an old burrito.

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'What?'

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I was acting strange at the pit

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and the reason is because I had food-poisoning

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from an old burrito.

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So, I was hoping we could have a do-over interview.

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Maybe over lunch. I'm buying.

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'Yeah, I guess I'm free. I'm assuming not Mexican.'

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Why?

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'Because of the burrito.'

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-SHE LAUGHS:

-Oh!

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Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.

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Are you sure that's the best thing for you right now?

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Oh, it's the best thing on the menu.

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So, look, I feel like I may have

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gone a little off message at the pit.

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-Yeah, you seemed a little weird.

-Well, I wouldn't say weird.

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It's just, we're trying to turn a dangerous eyesore

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into a beautiful community park

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and a positive article could go a long way towards making that happen.

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Great.

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So what do you think the odds are that this park will actually get made?

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Can I say over 100%?

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Because I would be lying if I said less.

0:14:400:14:42

Wow. You seem a lot more confident than some of the other people I've spoken to.

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Can I read you some of these quotes?

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Be my guest.

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"The Sullivan Street pit is always going to be a pit."

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Well, until it turns into a park.

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Yes, I agree.

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"Hey, you should write an article on unicorns,

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"because they're more likely to exist than this park."

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Oh, really? Tell that to a 14-year-old girl.

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"You should write an article on the Pope getting married,

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"because that's more likely to happen than this park."

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There are some countries where the Pope can be married.

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"You should write an article on talking monkeys."

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Really? Have you seen The Wizard of Oz?

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-"..an article about leprechauns."

-Leprechauns exist.

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"You should write an article about the sun falling out of the sky."

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Why would you write an article about that? That's...

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This one is just "No."

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"This park is never, ever, ever, ever going to happen."

0:15:270:15:32

Might I ask who said that?

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Mark Brendanawicz.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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-Yeah.

-Hey.

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-Hi.

-Can I talk to you for a second?

0:15:470:15:49

Yeah, what's up?

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You and I need to find a way to fix this reporter thing.

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Why is this a big deal to anybody?

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Well, apparently, the reporter is going to print everything you said to her.

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But I didn't say anything to her.

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"The park is never, ever, ever, ever getting built?"

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But that stuff was off the record.

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Did you say it was off the record?

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-Do you have to say it's off the record?

-Oh, God.

0:16:120:16:14

Hey. Thank you so much for meeting us.

0:16:200:16:22

Sure. Hey, Mark.

0:16:220:16:24

Hey. Uh... I heard that you were going to print some of that stuff

0:16:240:16:28

that I said in private about the park.

0:16:280:16:31

Oh, yeah. My editor loves it.

0:16:310:16:33

We'd appreciate it if you didn't print that stuff cos we're trying to build this park...

0:16:330:16:37

I don't understand. You did say it, right?

0:16:370:16:40

-Technically.

-Technically?

0:16:400:16:43

Well, you know,

0:16:430:16:45

you got up because you had to write the article and I said,

0:16:450:16:48

"Come on, stay in bed.

0:16:480:16:49

"That park is never, ever, ever going to get made."

0:16:490:16:53

Right. And then I came back to bed.

0:16:530:16:55

Yeah, but the important part was, "Stay in bed."

0:16:550:16:58

You know, I would've said anything at that point

0:16:580:17:01

if I thought it would have made you stay in bed.

0:17:010:17:03

OK, well, since we're, you know, romantically involved,

0:17:030:17:07

I won't print any of it.

0:17:070:17:09

-That's great. Thank you so much.

-You're welcome.

0:17:090:17:11

You know, I wouldn't say romantically involved.

0:17:110:17:14

You know, going forward.

0:17:140:17:17

-Oh, my God.

-What?

0:17:170:17:20

Ron Swanson.

0:17:250:17:28

Tom.

0:17:280:17:30

Ron, I don't know what to tell you, man. April got on my computer.

0:17:310:17:35

Password was saved. She played a couple of Scrabble words.

0:17:350:17:39

It wasn't me. I don't even know what lexicons are.

0:17:390:17:41

I thought that was a luxury automobile.

0:17:410:17:42

You're the word king. She was probably cheating.

0:17:420:17:46

I knew that couldn't have been you.

0:17:460:17:48

You don't have the vocabulary.

0:17:480:17:49

I know.

0:17:490:17:50

You can't even spell vocabulary.

0:17:500:17:52

Yeah. V-O-G-X...

0:17:520:17:55

Was that right? No.

0:17:550:17:57

We're cool.

0:18:010:18:03

I'm not an idiot. I know Tom has been losing to me on purpose.

0:18:030:18:08

But I like Tom.

0:18:080:18:09

He doesn't do a lot of work around here.

0:18:090:18:11

He shows zero initiative. He's not a team player.

0:18:110:18:13

He's never one to go that extra mile.

0:18:130:18:16

Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee.

0:18:160:18:19

Hey, you busy?

0:18:250:18:26

Well, I'm writing an op-ed piece

0:18:260:18:28

about media ethics for the Pawnee Journal, so, yeah, I'm a little busy.

0:18:280:18:31

I wanted to apologize to you.

0:18:310:18:34

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:18:360:18:38

I never should've done anything with that reporter.

0:18:440:18:47

Whoa! You nailed Malwae-Tweep? Nice.

0:18:470:18:50

Yes, but I'm not going to do it again.

0:18:500:18:52

-It's over.

-So she's available.

0:18:520:18:55

I really did think that that stuff that I said was off the record.

0:18:550:18:58

But you were right, and I should've listened to you.

0:18:580:19:01

I tried to get her to pull some of those quotes and things got a little dicey.

0:19:010:19:05

Well, I appreciate you trying.

0:19:050:19:08

Would you like to be reinstated onto our subcommittee?

0:19:080:19:14

-Absolutely.

-You'll have my answer within the month.

0:19:140:19:17

Mark, can I ask you a question?

0:19:170:19:18

You didn't really believe it when you said that the park would never get made, right?

0:19:180:19:23

Park's going to get done.

0:19:230:19:24

Welcome back, subcommittee member Mark Brendanawicz.

0:19:240:19:30

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

0:19:320:19:35

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thanks, a lot.

-Thank you a lot.

0:19:350:19:38

Man, that dude has stuck it in some crazy chicks.

0:19:380:19:43

Well, the article came out, and it was a mixed bag.

0:19:430:19:47

"An abandoned lot on Sullivan Street

0:19:470:19:49

"has been proposed as the site of a new park." That part's good.

0:19:490:19:52

I think we stayed on message for that part. And then it gets a little unpleasant.

0:19:520:19:56

"Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill."

0:19:560:19:58

I didn't "throw up," I spit up.

0:19:580:20:00

JJ's Diner gets a nice mention.

0:20:000:20:02

Oh, and right here. At the end.

0:20:020:20:04

She writes, and I quote, "We'll see."

0:20:040:20:07

Ends on a hopeful note.

0:20:090:20:12

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