Go Big or Go Home Parks and Recreation

Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

'Meet Leslie Knope.'

I am the pants queen!

'Leslie loves whipped cream, dancing with friends,

'and working hard for the Parks Department of Pawnee, Indiana.'

-Cut it out, Tom.

-It never gets old.

'She also loves her co-workers at City Hall,

'Ron Swanson...

'Tom Haverford...'

HE SINGS JAUNTILY

Tommy Timberlake.

'..April Ludgate...'

My mum's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colourful.

'..and Andy Dwyer.'

Uh-oh! Nailed it.

-'April and Andy like each other.'

-Ha-ha!

'But when Andy accidentally kissed his ex-girlfriend, Ann Perkins...'

Ooh...

-'..April left.'

-Goodbye.

-Wait. April!

'And he hasn't seen her since.

'In the midst of all this love, two black hats rode into town...'

Scientists believe that the first human being

who will live 150 years has already been born.

I believe I am that human being.

'..and they brought with them some disturbing news.'

Effective tomorrow morning,

the entire government will be shut down until further notice.

'What will Leslie do next?

'Will April and Andy make up and make out?

'Find out this season on Parks and Recreation,

'starting right now.'

-BIRD CAWS

-Huh!

CAR HORN BEEPS

Ron. We're back.

Bully.

LESLIE: The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer,

so it's been three months of no work, no meetings,

no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Oh, rounding up the team, so exciting.

I have goose bumps. Feel.

And that's why they call me Prince Charming.

Because I always find the glass slipper for my Cinderella.

These are way too tight.

-Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet.

-Tom, we're back.

Jeremy! Suck it! By the way, I've been giving away free sports bras

to the girls at Hot Dog on a Stick.

Look, we can dance all day, but it's time to step up.

Are you buying 4,000 rubber nipples from me or not?

D, you have a visitor.

-We back?

-We're back.

-All right!

-Jerry.

-Oh, my gosh. Look who's here! Leslie.

The nightmare's over, Jerry. We're going back to work. You won't need this any more!

SPLASH

Come on!

I called shotgun. Everybody heard me.

Well, I am usually not one for speeches. So, goodbye.

Break's over, mofos. OK, here's the situation.

We are operating on a shoestring budget.

Park services have been slashed.

But we are all still here. And we have a job to do.

Make the world's biggest pizza.

No, make this town fun for the people who live here.

Fine, but after that, the pizza is our top priority.

-No, it's not.

-We're getting pizza?

April, hey, it's me, Andy. Dwyer.

This is, like, the 200th message I've left you, without a response.

So, if you're trying to tell me something,

I do not know what it is because you won't call me back.

It is truly great to see all of you, huh?

It's great news! OK. I have to run. Ben.

The bad news, which...

I get to deliver, is this.

Your only work for the time being will be existing park maintenance.

So, that just means that we're in maintenance mode.

-Yeah!

-Jerry!

OK. See, I've spent the last few months brainstorming.

And I have some really great ideas and I put them in my idea binders.

They're colour coded, for God's sake.

OK. Actually, yeah. There is one thing that you will be doing.

Apparently, in Indiana, if you don't provide a basketball league,

people get very upset.

And, quite frankly, throw things at you and call you names.

Like Turd-Boy, I... Whatever.

The point is I reinstated youth basketball. OK?

It says you only have money for two teams?

Yeah. They'll develop a great rivalry.

-RON:

-Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men,

from men into gladiators,

and from gladiators into Swansons.

Behold! The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.

I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years.

It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.

Categories include...

Capitalism. God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.

Crying. Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Rage. Poise. Property rights.

Fish, for sport only, not for meat.

Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

-RON:

-Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts.

High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

Are the scissors broken in your house, son?

-ANN:

-So, are you happy to be back at work?

Well, our budget's been slashed to zero.

I tried to buy fertiliser the other day for the soccer field.

-Request denied. We literally can't buy

-BLEEP.

-I'm so sorry.

-No. I mean, look, when we were kids,

the Parks Department would do these big projects.

Winter Jamboree, the Harvest Festival...

It's like they don't have faith in us any more.

I'm not a paper pusher, Ann.

I need to be out in the streets, planting trees and cracking skulls.

Leslie Knope. Ann Perkins.

-How are my two favourite people in this entire town?

-Not good, Chris.

Lots of people complaining that their programmes have been slashed.

Yeah, I know, it's terrible. Is there anything we can do about that?

-No.

-Damn! Sorry, Leslie. Ann, could I talk to you for a minute?

So, how's it going?

Save it. OK? I know you don't have faith in me and my department,

and that's fine.

But don't expect me to sit here and chitchat with you.

-All right. Fair enough.

-Go the other way.

But I'm just going to that... All right, I'll...

Look, I'm very flattered, but again,

I don't think I should go out with you.

Can I ask you why not? Because I thought we had a great time

the night you got drunk and kissed me.

And - you did use your tongue.

I just don't think I'm in a place to go out with anyone right now.

OK. Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, Ann Perkins.

-Leslie Knope.

-Yes.

Did he ask you out again?

-He did, he did. He is nothing if not persistent.

-Mm.

And hot. He's very... He's pretty hot.

Yeah, he's hot. But he's intense.

But he's really, really hot. But he's your boss.

Oh, my God. I just thought of an idea of how we can save the Parks Department.

-Great.

-Let me ask you one question.

Would you be cool doing things that a prostitute does?

-Er...

-Minus the money?

-Definitely yes, then.

-Thanks, Ann.

Looking sharp. Beautiful. The backboard is your friend.

ANDY YELLS

Bam! Boom!

I'd say my coaching style is centred around fundamentals,

with an emphasis on fun.

-Hey, watch this. Go get it.

-Yeah!

And a second emphasis on...mental.

Yeah, it can be hard work, but every time I look one of these kids

in the eyes and he calls me Coach...

..that's how I know I agreed to be a coach.

ALL: Mouse Rat!

ALL: Carnage!

OK, gentlemen. It's time for the pre-game coin toss.

There's no coin toss in basketball. Are those women's sneakers?

Yes, they are, Ron. You know what?

They fit better, I got an employee discount, and the best part is

no-one can tell.

All right, let's do this.

Match point, touchdown, et cetera.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yeah. Go, Lightning. All right.

OK. I like what you're wearing, but I need it to be 300% sexier.

Do you have any of those shirts that look wet all the time?

Or, like, a metal bikini?

You know what's always sexy? Fingerless gloves.

What about if I wear this normal, sane outfit?

OK, but you'll have to eat something sexy, then, like a banana.

-For dinner?

-Well, what's sexy food? Asparagus?

-No, you know what's sexy? Turkey chilli.

-Mmm!

-Yeah.

And how exactly am I supposed to casually steer the conversation

-towards the Parks Department budget?

-OK, it's totally easy.

-Tell you what. You be Chris. I'll be you. I'll show you how it's done.

-OK.

BOTH CLEAR THEIR THROATS

Ann Perkins, you are wonderful and amazing and I'm happy to be here with you.

Thank you, Chris. I'm wearing a tuxedo vest with no shirt on underneath. Uh-oh.

Can I get you a drink? I love every single beverage in the world.

I would like some wine, and... Oops, my vest popped open.

Just like the budget needs to pop open

and you need to pour it into my Parks Department.

Great.

I am so excited that you finally agreed to go out with me.

What a magnificent flip-flop.

You're a magnificent asker-outer.

Tell me every single detail of your day.

I love dates. I love connecting with someone, I love engaging them,

I love being surprised by them. I have never had a bad date.

They've all been either great or phenomenally great.

Nurses are the most undervalued members of our society by far.

I think all of you should make as much money as the CEO of Google.

Wow. Thank you. I agree.

Can I ask you a question?

Why am I so positive all the time?

Yes, that's exactly the question.

I was born with a blood disorder,

and my parents were told that I had three weeks to live.

And here I still am,

some 2,000-odd weeks later, and...

I have enjoyed every one of them.

I think it's going well. He's actually a really nice guy.

LESLIE: 'Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'OK. So, have you asked him yet about the money?'

It's a date, it's kind of hard to casually bring up the Parks budget

when you're talking about movies.

'Jurassic Park, parks are so great, the Parks Department needs money.

'I just did it in three moves.'

Why don't you just do it yourself?

-OK.

-Holy crap!

What? Chris and Ann, what are you two doing here?

We are on a date. And it is going phenomenally.

Thanks, but I'll stay for just one drink.

I'm so happy I ran into you, because I wanted to speak to you about...

-Well, well, well!

-Ben. What a fun surprise.

That's right, you were coming here tonight on a date.

And hey, Leslie is joining you on this wonderfully romantic occasion.

-How about that?

-Fantastic!

-It is. Can I talk to you?

-Sure.

-What are you doing here?

Just confirming a suspicion I had, Leslie.

-What? I had nothing to do with this date.

-Uh-huh?

They probably just want to see each other naked.

Well, I know what you're trying to do and you're not good at being sneaky.

-Yes, I am.

-No, you're not.

-I'm great at being sneaky.

-Clearly, you're not.

-Hey!

You guys, let's all have dinner together. The more, the merrier.

-Great.

-Great.

ANDY: Great job, guys. Yep.

All right, Eric. Taking a rest, or are you hurt?

Taking a rest? That's smart.

Destroy them, gentlemen. Feel no sympathy.

-TOM:

-Yes, Ron Swanson is dating my ex-wife, Wendy.

Big deal. My girlfriend, Lucy, is the sexiest woman in town.

She's Cuban, she's got tattoos, and she's into me,

which, as far as I'm concerned, is THE sexiest quality

a woman can have.

I have an idea. You know what would be fun?

After dinner, we should walk by the pond in Ramsett Park.

Walking in parks can be very romantic.

Too bad the park's always closed, though.

OK. Well, you two are on a date.

So, Leslie and I should probably get going.

Well, I'm actually having a good time with everyone.

-Chris?

-Me, too. I'm having a fantastic time.

Want to take this whole "date-plus-two-other-people" thing up into the stratosphere?

MUSIC: "TiK ToK" by Keha

This place is outstanding!

-Great call, Leslie Knope.

-Thanks.

Look, even Ben's dancing.

That's the way to shoot the ball, Chignoli. Hustle back.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Er...that's a foul!

-What? On whom?

Your team. Number 50. He was double dribbling.

-He's on defence.

-Exactly.

That's a technical difficulty. So, that means Andy's team

throws the ball from the stripy thing. Let's go!

"The stripy thing"?

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, there. How's it going?

Great, thanks.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, I'm very flattered,

but this is my stunningly gorgeous date, Ann Perkins.

-Oh, hi.

-Hi.

-Sorry.

-Oh, no problem.

In fact, let me buy all of you a drink for being so welcoming today.

Waiter!

I think I may actually...like Chris.

-On the house, Leslie.

-Thank you.

I'm sort of a gay hero.

Last year, I married two penguins at the zoo,

and it turned out they were both gay.

-Penguin wedding?

-Mm-hmm.

-That's cute.

-It was so cute.

But enough about how cute it was. Why don't you think I should have the money?

Good Lord. Really?

Look, when I was 18 and I became mayor of my hometown,

I used every last dollar we had to open a giant winter sports complex.

-Called it Ice Town.

-It turned out great, everyone loved it?

Yeah, kind of. It was never completed, and I got impeached.

The newspaper headline was,

"Ice Town Costs Ice Clown His Town Crown."

-Yuck.

-They were big into rhymes.

Well, I don't know. I think Ice Town sounds great.

And the point is, at least you tried something.

-WHISTLE BLOWS TOM:

-Foul!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Foul on number three for taking a number two on number four.

ANDY LAUGHS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Roughing the passer! Double dribbling, that's a foul!

That's a foul for touching the basketball.

What are you going to do about it? Nothing, you fouled.

You can't do anything.

OK. You're ejected. You're ejected.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, what's the matter there, Ron? No players left?

Yay, Andy's team! Look at them go!

Oh, come on. Now, you're openly cheering for the other team?

-Put my boys back in.

-You made me the ref. Deal with it.

-Take this uniform off.

-Hey, hey!

-You don't deserve to wear it!

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Ron's ejected for molesting the ref!

-Oh, yeah? I'm ejected?

-Tom, what are you doing?

-Yes, you are.

I'm ejecting you, too. Everyone's ejected.

-She's ejected?

-Yeah!

-Argghh!

-PANICKED GASPS FROM CROWD

-TOM:

-Go ahead, go!

Well, that's a forfeit. Andy's team wins.

No way! We won? CHEERING

Oh, man! Eat it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Andy, Andy, Andy! TEAM JOIN IN WITH CHANTING

Yeah! Yes!

'I dedicate this victory to April Ludgate.'

It feels good. And it feels...sticky, from the Gatorade.

We're barely able to function. We could really use that money.

I don't know if it's because I'm in such a good mood

or because of the charming Ann Perkins,

but I am going to seriously consider that.

Really? That's great. Mission accomplished.

-Let's boogie.

-Mission accomplished?

-Uh-oh.

Yeah. There's a mission, er, that Ann had thought of.

It was both of our ideas, but it was mostly Ann's.

We... I had mentioned to Ann that it would be fun

if you two went on a date.

So, then, you could talk about the money,

and then, you know, maybe give it to me.

Wow.

I've just had my first...bad date.

Ann Perkins.

Not that sneaky.

April!

-April! Where have you been? Oh, my God.

-Hey. How are you?

I'm OK. I'm dying to see you. I...

-called and I texted you, like, a billion times.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-I was in Venezuela.

-Oh.

Really? Wow.

Across the pond.

Wow. I thought maybe I would have heard from you at least once,

because of what happened.

Ann kissing me? I'm so sorry about that.

It was so stupid and it meant nothing.

I wouldn't worry about it. It's totally fine.

Hey. This is my boyfriend, Eduardo.

No, it's not!

-Listo para el lonche?

-Si.

That means, "We're going to lunch."

How do you say, "Have a great time, don't choke on anything"?

Bye.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Leslie asked me to do her a favour. And I love her, so I did it.

I'm sorry, and I'm here to eat crow.

I like you a lot. Let's go out again.

Ann Perkins.

Budget solution number 28.

Use grazing sheep to mow grass in parks.

Note - tired sheep could become food or sweaters.

Ah...

Well, I got my answer.

About April. She hates me. Yeah. And she got a boyfriend, I guess.

From some city in Mexico. So...what do I do?

OK. Well, when your back's against the wall

and odds are stacked against you, you just...you...

you swing the hardest, damn it. You go big or you go home.

And you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes home.

I'm not. I don't even really have a home.

-Go get her, Andy!

-OK. OK, thanks, Leslie!

OK. So, we know the people who run this government have no faith in us.

My plan is going to change that and bring the budget back.

And the answer's been right in front of us the whole time.

-Ew, "Check your testicles"?

-No, not that,

although that is very good advice. I'm looking at you, Jerry.

No. What's going to save us is right there.

Gentlemen, I realise that times are tough and the budget is tight.

But if the people of this town have nothing else to do

but sit in their houses and play video games,

then Pawnee will die.

And we refuse to let that happen.

Now.

This town was historically known for two things.

MUSIC ON TAPE: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

Widespread obesity, and the annual Pawnee Harvest Festival.

People from all over Indiana would come and gaze in wonderment

at how fat our citizens were.

And while they were here, they would also attend the festival,

a full week of corn mazes, hay rides,

Ferris wheels, pumpkins the size of jeeps.

We lost that festival a few years ago,

due to another round of budget cuts.

And I propose we bring the festival back.

With ticket sales and corporate sponsorship, we'll earn all that money back.

-And believe me, people will come.

-What if they don't?

Well...

..then you eliminate the Parks Department.

And you guys are all on board with this?

-Aye.

-ALL: Yes.

LESLIE: Look, we're not just pencil-pushers.

We are a reflection of the community,

and we believe that we can strengthen that community.

Because in the end, the reason why we're all here

is to bring people together.

SNIFFLING

That, literally,

is the most moving thing I've ever heard.

And a good idea.

Yeah, all right.

Excellent! Great!

OK. So, everybody, we're going to party hard for 15 minutes,

then we'll have our first brainstorming session.

Hello, April. Do you like the flowers?

What are you doing?

All due respect, Eduardo, you seem like a great guy,

but I like April and I'm coming after her with everything I've got.

-So, do you want to go out with me?

-No.

I thought you were going to say yes, but that's OK,

because I'll be back tomorrow to ask you again.

And again the next day. And the next day.

Not Friday. I have to go visit my cousin.

But I will be back after that to ask you again.

HE SPEAKS IN SPANISH

SHE REPLIES IN SPANISH

Ah!

You should do it. Follow your dream.

Oh, my God. Really? That's awesome!

I'll see you tomorrow. Hee-hee!