Promotion People Just Do Nothing

-HE MC'S:

-If I was Jesus, I'd be mixed with a lighter!

-You're making your own toast?!

It's easy. Just put butter and that on it.

-HE MC'S:

-Mixed with a lighter, mixed with the venom of a what?

Of a viper. It's MC Grindah.

SHE MC'S BADLY: Na, na, na. If I was Jesus, I'd be mixing a lighter.

It's mixed with a lighter, but that's still good.

-You seem chirpy today.

-Yeah, very chirpy actually.

Let's just say, things are going to change around here.

What, are you going to finish doing them curtains?

The curtains are done, they're fine.

I've stuck them up already, put some tape on it.

-Go on then, what is it?

-Well, I've got to get something sorted.

But all I will say is it's something you've always dreamed of.

See ya later, girls!

Whaaat?! Has he said something to you?

I'm not taking you to school until you tell me.

This programme contains strong language

So many thoughts in my head right now, it's just...

My mind is just seeing images, you know?

It's like I can see future and I see potential.

-Shall we tell them?

-Go on.

Basically, I can exclusively reveal that Chabsy has opened up his

own nightclub and we are going to be having our very first club night.

Called The Kurupt FM Champagne Steam Rooms.

-Grindah thought of the name. Fucking genius.

-Yeah.

Just working on the flyers.

If you go about promoting your night right, you're laughing, mate.

-Yeah.

-Financially and physically.

I mean, start off small, and then you know what I mean?

You don't know where you'll end up.

No. It's not small, it's going to be big, a massive, sold out event.

Oh, has it sold out?

It's not sold out yet, but it will be by the time this goes out.

-Stop constantly...

-Sorry.

Easy, you man. So today's the first day of our promotion campaign.

-Dad? Hello?

-Hold on one sec. Craig? I'm here, son.

He's on the phone.

Your reception keeps cutting out, I can't even hear you.

Give me the phone, Craig! You are such a mess!

Why are you dressed like a farmer?

I'm sick of this, it's not you who has to deal with it now, is it?

Oh, right.

Well, maybe next time just don't get his hopes up in the first place.

You should see his little face, you should.

It is little.

Sorry, love. He says he's got some work that he just can't turn down.

Sure he'll take you another time.

Maybe, um...

-I could take him, if you want.

-Take him fishing?

-Yeah.

I've been waiting to do this for so long, man.

Just me and you out in mother's nature, just roaming the land.

Do you know what I mean? Like two albino bears in the woods,

just, like, making huts out of mud,

and drinking our own piss.

Aren't you meant to be doing something today?

Ah, fuck, yeah. Starting the promotions campaign.

I could...put it on ice, I'll call Grindah, he'll understand.

He knows how much you lot mean to me.

-All right, Grindah!

-How you doing?

-What they saying? Are they good?

-I hope you lot like it.

Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, shit!

What's that in my hand?!

I've actually added a bottle of champagne in there, by magic.

Mini champers on a plane! Classy!

That's me there, at the bottom.

My face is a little bit covered but still.

Chill out, mate, it's not all about you.

OK, listen, boys. I was actually going to ask.

Deeky, is it all right if you give me a hand setting up the club night?

-What have I got to do, though?

-Just a bit of light building work.

Yeah, no worries, all good, he don't mind.

And you boys are OK doing the promo side of things?

Yeah, course. Trust me, me and Steves, yeah? We're on this ting.

Spreading the word like chlamydia. Do you know what I mean?

-We're the promo dream team.

-Fuck Beats, innit?

Fuck Beats, fuck him.

We're going to be all over Brentford today,

everyone's going to know, Champagne Steam Rooms.

-For fuck's sake.

-Ah, come on.

There's a hole in my bag.

-Just hurry up, yeah?

-Sorry.

Has anyone got any jaffa tape?

There you go, son.

About to hit the road for a bit of fishing.

I love fishing.

There's no room in the boot cos of these fuckin' speakers.

You definitely up for this, yeah?

Yeah, 100%. Spoke to Grindah, he was a little bit fuming.

But that's what it's about, innit?

Sacrifice. And right now, I need to take my son fishing.

I am not your son.

Step-son. And I'm his guardian.

And right now he needs me to guard him.

See ya later. See you fannies in a bit.

Pure Kuruption, 108.9

I hope he was joking about drinking his own piss earlier.

I wouldn't put it past him.

Ah, it's a bit of a mad morning for me really, Angela.

Really, what's been going on?

It's Grindah, yeah? He was just sort of acting a bit weird this morning.

-Sort of suspicious.

-What do you think it is?

I literally don't even know.

He basically just said it was something I'd always dreamed of.

-So...

-What have you always dreamed of?

I do want to get a hot tub but our bathroom is tiny,

so we've just got a bath.

Oh, my God!

Do you think that maybe he's going to propose to me?

Because we have been together for, like, six years now, so...

That would be amazing! I hope it is that, Miche.

-What, do you think?!

-What? Like, I don't know. Maybe.

What's happening?

Basically, me and Angela think my boyfriend is about to propose!

Well, I was just saying maybe.

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

Aww, little Miche, getting engaged!

-Thank you!

-About time.

Oh, God, this is mad, innit?!

Amazing! Oh, I love a wedding.

No, I'm not annoyed at Beats.

Like, doing the promotion is something I'm probably

more suited for with my natural charisma, do you know what I mean?

If he wants to do stuff for his family, that's fair enough.

Plus I had a go at him earlier, so I've got it out of my system.

I'll show you how it's done.

Hello, girl, do you want to come to a rave?

Excuse me, do you want to come to a Kurupt FM rave?

No, I'm all right, thanks.

Not with me, I meant do you want to come to my rave?

Kurupt FM rave.

-Hello.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

You into garage music? Is it?

Steves, mate! Steves, mate!

No, I mean, everyone's welcome.

Steves, mate, come here.

(What the fuck are you doing?)

You said to give them to everyone.

Yeah, not EVERYONE! They're not even into garage.

Sorry. Er...you're actually barred.

Don't talk to people any more, all right?

I'm going to go hit the shops up, so I can really connect with people.

-Yeah.

-See you in a bit.

That's what I mean, man. I've got my own club now,

I'm basically Tony Soprano.

Deeky, Deeky, Deeky, Deeky. Check this out.

Deeky!

Right, this is my super club.

You know?

My plan is to actually have the champagne cocktail bar here,

I'm going to use real sand and inflatable palm trees.

You know what I mean? So...

So I made this flow chart.

This is basically just a few ideas that I've got for the club.

So you're going to build it out of this stuff here?

You know me, man,

never underestimate the power of spray-painting things gold.

It triples the value instantly. Check this out.

A bucket, it's a normal bucket, yeah? Now, wait.

Instant champagne bucket.

-You still in London when you're in zone 6?

-Yeah.

You see this? The soil is actually fertile.

Which means that it's a good area for animals to eat.

You can tell there's a lot of footprints around there,

there's been a lot of activity.

-Fertile mud.

-Hurry up, man.

Oh, well done, you found the water source.

See that?

That's your water source right there.

Follow that upstream

whenever in doubt to find the nearest settlement of locals

that'll help you escape to your nearest helicopter evacuation point.

Let's go.

Do they have prawn in here, Craig?

Nature.

Could be anywhere in the world right now.

You know what I mean?

Thank you so much for helping me, man.

It's tough doing stuff on your own, you know. Being alone.

It's cool, man, don't worry about it.

-Have you ever had your heart broken, Decoy?

-What?

Nah, not really.

I mean, I never thought it would happen to me.

In the beginning, me and Aldona...

our sexual chemistry was just so intense, you know what I mean?

We did some crazy stuff together, you know.

She was never really into full sex but we used to do other stuff.

really disgusting, really filthy stuff.

Even confusing at times.

Shall we just get on with this?

Let's crack on, let's crack on, no worries.

What you doing?

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Look, just grab it. Grab it.

Unhook this, put your finger on there.

Right, now keep it low as well, cos it's a small river,

and then just, as you swing it round, release your finger

-and then lock this thing back, OK?

-OK.

OK, so gently, bam! Release it, release it.

Then just relax it down there.

-You see that?

-Stop.

Man's catching fish out here!

Innit?

Shall I splash the water to attract them?

No, no, no, don't do that.

Ah, fucking hell, man.

Should have worn the high-tops, innit, Craig?

Fucked up my workouts.

You're not supposed to splash anyway, it'll scare them off.

How do you know so much about fish?

You're like that little kid in Free Willy.

Do you think if Sea World hadn't trained Free Willy

-to jump so high, he wouldn't have been able to escape?

-What?

I know. It's a proper headfuck, innit?

Excuse me, excuse me, you dropped your flyer, mate.

-Just dropped your flyer.

-I don't want it, bruv.

-Excuse me, mate, can I put these up in your window?

-No.

-Hello, mate, can I put this in your window for a rave?

-No, sorry, mate.

No, sorry.

"No, sorry." Well, don't think you'll be let in on the night, yeah?

I'll remember your face.

-I'll just finish that off.

-Excuse me, sorry.

Great.

'I've been planning my wedding since the day I was born.'

I just don't stop thinking about it, just like any girl does, you know?

'And I think I just want something simple.

'On a beach somewhere with, like, white sand.'

Ideally I'd want some sort of white ponies involved

cos I just think that's really beautiful,

they're very graceful animals and they sort of represent love to me.

Yeah, I'd probably go to the Bahamas and have a barefoot wedding

on the beach or something like that.

And go and stay in one of those well nice hotels,

where they fold your towel into like a little swan. Or a monkey.

That'd be amazing.

-Well, your boyfriend will get there one day, so don't worry.

-Thank you.

KNOCKING

Oh, my God. Everyone act natural. Do I look all right?

You look really nice. Come here quick.

He's waiting, go on, go.

Give us the broom, Cinderella!

Ah, penny's dropped finally.

-They've clocked on to who I am, yeah? It is me!

-You all right?

Yeah, not really, to be honest. I'm having a bit of a mare today.

But you know that thing I was talking about earlier?

Are you going to say it here?

-What?

-The thing you were talking about earlier.

-Yeah. So, basically...

Oh, my God.

Kurupt FM are having their own club night.

-So is that the thing you were going to tell me earlier?

-Yeah.

You don't seem...

That's my face.

I was just going to see if you could pop it in the shop window.

-Yeah.

-So everyone can see it.

All the other shops are mugging me off recently.

I'll probably need to check with my boss, innit?

-She'll be fine with it.

-I should probably go back to work.

-MC Grindah!

Well, I'll see you later.

Yeah, yeah, cool. All right, sweet. See you in a bit, yeah?

Go on, what did he say?

Oh, no, nothing. He'll probably just do it tonight.

Ah, wedding! I love a wedding. Do you love a wedding?

-You look really good together.

-Aw, thank you.

-Like, really cute.

Ah, you're going to look amazing, Miche.

Let's just get...

Got to get quicker with the tape mechanism.

Get one for the postman as well.

If you post a flyer with a little bit of tape on it,

then it'll actually stick to a letter and it'll go anywhere in the UK.

You don't even know where it's going to go.

You're basically flyering all over the UK.

So did you put a lot of the flyers in postboxes?

Yeah, I put most of the flyers in postboxes, yeah.

Might bill a little Buju Banton.

Don't tell your mum if I let you have some of this, yeah?

-Nah, course. Man-code, innit.

-Exactly.

'I do feel like his dad, yeah. Cos I'm schooling him about...'

girls and life and that now. So, yeah, definitely.

Just give it a little tap down.

'He's never called me Dad to my face, but I know in his heart

'he wants to call me Dad - I can feel it, do you know what I mean?'

I think we nailed, brother.

Just imagine, this place is going to be infested with the high society,

creme de la creme of Brentford's most beautiful women

will be in here, spending their money.

High flyers, just waiting for the right guy to come along.

-Am I right?

-Yeah, man, cool.

Deeky, I bet you get a lot of chicks.

-You must be smashing it so hard.

-Nah, not really, man.

Any spares you've got going, just send them my way, man.

Not a problem, brother.

Cos I reckon we're similar types, me and you.

Two peas in a pod, you know?

Both obviously exotic, both got the lovely cocoa butter skin.

Obviously the voluptuous lips, you know?

-Both bi.

-Bi?!

Er, like bi-racial. Mixed race. Cos I'm mixed race as well.

I'm half Pakistani, half Indian, you know?

THEY LAUGH

-Is that funny?

-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I am pretty jokes.

Ah, man, this is great banter, Decoy, man.

We should chill more often, man. What's your number?

-I'll give you a call.

-I'm going to be off, man.

-Cool, man.

We've caught one fish in, like, time.

I reckon if I wade, I'd just catch them.

I'm stuck in quicksand. Oh, no, it's cool, it's cool. I got it.

When sleeping in the wild, you want to be elevated off the ground.

Cos predators, you're an easy catch.

Especially if there's bears or mountain lions.

So the best thing to do is to be propelled up.

THEY WHISPER

-All right, you lot, see you later!

-Hold on, hold on!

-ALL:

-Yay!

Just a little something from us to say good luck tonight.

Oh, wow, thank you. I mean, he might not even do it, so...

We might have to think about taking you on a permanent contract.

Now you've got a wedding to save up for.

Your trial period is NEARLY up.

That'd be amazing! Thank you, everyone!

You must be so excited!

Oh, my god, I can't wait to see the ring tomorrow.

-Yeah, I can't believe it.

-You're just overwhelmed, aren't you?

-Look at her little face, she's overwhelmed, look at her!

-Yeah.

Ah, well, I want every detail tomorrow.

Yeah, girls? Want to know all about it.

-Have a lovely evening, good luck!

-Bye!

Mm, start planning outfits! I love a wedding!

Going to have buy a fascinator.

She'll be made up, it's going to be such a great night for her.

Seleck seleck! Hype for the riddem it's a boom seleck!

MC Grindah with the intellect, DJ Stevesy up on the deck.

Deck.

Going to do the advert soon?

Are you lot ready for this bit, yeah? Trust me,

radio adverts are like the pinnacle of why people go to raves, innit.

You don't actually need to be flyering and all that bollocks,

if they listen to this, they'll want to go.

Jamaican Dutch, yeah? Don't fuck it up.

No, I've got it, I've got it.

Kurupt FM proudly presents the Champagne Steam Room sessions!

Playing the finest in old school garage and drum and bass sounds.

Tickets will be available on the door or via...

Steves, that's not.... You need to be more Jamaican Dutch,

just do it like Beats does it, like I said. Come on.

SLIGHTLY ACCENTED: Tickets will be available on the door

or via the worldwide internet cabin cafe!

No, that's still... That's too Dutch if anything. You're not getting it.

In arena one...

There's no arenas! That's...

It's one room.

MOBILE BEEPS

Is that someone who wants to go to the rave?

Nah, just Chabuds wants Decoy's number.

Sort of good that we only got one fish, really.

Cos this is fucking long.

You ever thrown a deodorant can in a fire before?

Yeah, course. Me and Grindah invented that shit.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Have you got any deodorant cans?

Not on me, no.

There you go.

Fry, little Nemo.

Look at that, chargrilled.

Nice of your mum to pack this for us so we didn't go hungry and that.

Here you go, Craig.

I can't do this, man.

-I might go supermarche. Shall I go?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Absolutely.

-Sick, man. There's one up the road.

-All right?

-All right.

When's Beats coming back? Cos his phone's off.

He's probably just got shit reception where he is.

I'm sure they're fine, but I'll let him know you were asking after him.

All right, sweet. Not in a weird way or anything.

Just more... Obviously, like, cos of the promo thing,

He might want to know what's going on, know what I mean?

-It's his fault as well.

-All right, well, I'll let him know.

Cool.

It's just that I've been having a pretty rough time with it.

-All right, see you later.

-Yeah, see you later.

I love watching you eat.

Got you a little present as well.

Here you go.

Happy days.

-All right?

-All right?

-I've had the longest day, like.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

What's this?

Pro-sesh-e-o. Pro-sesh-e-ah-o.

-Is that for the club night? For me?

-Yeah.

At least someone thinks about me.

Yeah. Cos it's called Champagne Steam Rooms,

so I thought you would probably want some...

-It is called...

-..Champagne.

-Champagne! Ah, that's fucking clever as well.

-Yeah.

-What's that as well?

-Oh, that's just a garnish.

Yeah. Stylish.

Thanks, Miche, sometimes it's just the little things,

-you know what I mean, in life that keep you going.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Right, you ready?

-Yeah.

-Let's do this.

-Shall I throw it, yeah?

-Yeah.

It's going to blow, it's going to blow.

BANG

Oh, fucking hell! Sick, innit? Never gets old, that.

-It's like a fire work but more fragrant.

-Yeah.

Sick.

Here you go.

Cheers, Dad.

Cheers, son.

I fucking love fishing.

Where do you think you're going? Come on, come on! Spill the beans!

-Show it! Show it! Show it!

-Oh, my God! It looks so nice!

It's actually really thoughtful,

it's literally the one I wanted, so...

Tell us everything - how did he propose?

Oh, how did he propose?

Oh, God, well, basically, he sort of got down on one knee

and then he just looked up and he said, "Will you marry me?"

Aw, was it romantic?

God, yeah, it was so romantic. Yeah.

Cos everyone just started clapping.

Where were you?

God, where were we? We were in a shop.

Ah, which shop? Which shop? Details!

-Which shop, yeah. We were in Morrison's.

-Aw!

Yeah, that's where we do our weekly shop.

So it just really meant something to us, so...

We were in the tins aisle.

Aw, are you made up, Miche?

-Yeah.

-It looks gorgeous, look at your lovely dainty hands.

Wedding! I love a wedding!

Right, we need to get you under the dryer, don't we, missus?

-You all right with the bags, mate?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

HE KNOCKS

Roche!

Here they are. How was your night in the wilds?

Also known as Uxbridge.

Yeah, I've never been to zone 6 before, so it was an experience.

Trust me. There you go, son.

'I see myself as a dad, yeah.

'It's funny, innit, cos obviously he didn't come out of me.'

I've actually more matured in my fashion sense as well,

obviously you can tell with the fleece.

I bought this when I moved in because this is a more mature look.

So, it's what a dad would wear.

I'm going more dad even fashion based these days.

Tell her what you caught, son.

Wasn't anything. Was just a tiddler, really.

Fishing weren't really that good around that part of the river.

We still had a good laugh though, innit?

Does Beats have his priorities straight?

It's a bit irresponsible the way he's always like,

"Oh, I got to do my family." Beats should just be on point,

radio, radio, radio. That should be his life.

One day, it's going to make him a millionaire off the back of me.

Do you know what I mean?

Right, Kurupt FM Radio meeting, 24th of whatever the date is basically.

-Me and Deeky, my brother!

-Full house!

Ah, Mr Beats, glad you can join us finally.

What's happening, man?

Nothing's happening, go and take your post.

Right, promotions obviously ain't been working, yeah?

So we need another way of attacking people.

I think I've got something actually.

Subliminal messages in the music.

Not you, Steves. Just shut up.

Quiet down, man.

I was thinking more you, mate,

as you've done nothing to the promotions so far.

Yeah.

Basically if you want to promote yourself you've got to be out there.

On the ground, like, handing out flyers,

telling people what you're about.

Showing them that you're a bad boy MC. Know what I mean?

If you want people to love you, then put the effort in,

don't just fuck about with your family all day.

Champagne Steam Rooms! It's the sessions. 11th of April.

Beats, mate! Beats, mate! Come on, hurry up, those people there!

As many people as possible, mate.

MC Grindah on the mic!

HE MC'S

Easy brother, hold tight the Brentford mandem!

Can I get back in the whip?

Let's spin it round one more time, then we'll go, all right?

I've sold many things in my life. Perfume, weapons, peanut dust.

'But the hardest thing to sell is humans.'

Like being on the beach, innit.

'Not like in a human trafficking way -

'that's pretty easy with the right connections -'

but, like, selling yourself. Self promotion.

The boys are out there right now on the streets

and they're selling themselves.

And I'm proud of them.

-Is that our rave? Yeah, it's our rave. You on it, yeah?

-I'm on it!

They fucking love it.

The whole of Brentford loves it!

They're just staring at me, they love it, everyone's looking at me.

Hold down the Brentford crew insane! I sees ya!

Remember, remember, the 11th of April,

it's the Champagne Steam Room sessions!

It's going to be a slammer!