Episode 1 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

This programme contains some strong language

Three divers to go then and this is

Darren Croll of Australia.

Oh, that's a good dive.

642.2 and now Petit of Canada.

Oh, even better! This final really hotting up.

Now the favourite, John Smith for Great Britain.

-What can he do?

-..A running bomb.

Oh, terrific! The crowd love it.

And so do the judges.

Top bombing.

Would you welcome, please, Peter Kay.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello!

-Let me put my stuff down.

-Hello!

-Oh, I'm on your foot.

-You are.

I stood on your slip-on. How are you, David?

It's over now. You can relax.

-I'm coming round. Coming round. Let me get sorted out.

-What's this here?

-Stick this here a sec.

-What...?

Stay there. How are you?

I'm doing all right.

-Hello.

-How are you?

Hello. Nice to see you.

-Let's get started.

-Let's get started.

-Are you all right?

-I'm all right, mate.

-Got some stuff. Let's get sorted out.

Well, I brought a bag of treats, didn't I?

Because it was your last show, I thought we'd be having a laugh.

-Presents?

-I've got party hats here.

Stick one of them on.

Tablecloth. I thought you'd have had a big table, though, when I got that. There you are.

You know, kick our heels up a bit. Enjoy ourselves. There you are.

Get stuck in.

Blow on that. Go on. Go on!

Yes! That's what you want!

Hang on.

Here you are. Look at that.

-What's that?

-Victoria sandwich.

I bet you've said that a few times, ain't you, eh?

I've got some plates an' all.

There you go.

Is it that way up? Got a knife.

I thought, you know, we were having a laugh.

-French fancies. Got them here.

-Oh, dear.

-Got the lot here. Cordial.

-What else have you got?

-Cordial. Some cordial in there.

-You want a drink, David? Do you want a drink, David? Do you want a hat?

-I don't think so.

-Want a hat?

Got a party popper here for David. One of them, mate. Come on.

Here you are. Hoorah!

-Now you're talking! This is about you, this.

-I know.

-This is your last one, man.

-I know that.

Put it on, go on. Because this is it.

-What else is there?

-You've had them all on here, haven't you?

-I've had them all on here.

-Fred Astaire.

-Yeah.

-Bette Davis.

-Yeah.

-Rod Hull.

-Yeah.

-Morecambe and Wise.

-The two of them.

You're the kiss of death, aren't you, when you think about it?

You know what I mean?

How long have we got? You know what I mean?

We're not on cos we're good, we're on cos we're alive.

Thank God you're on. I thought I were the youngest.

It's like Cocoon, this.

Geraldine!

Her journey began right here.

Since taking her Pop Factor crown, she has become a...

This is the incredible story of...

'You're listening to Chorley FM.

'I'm Paul Le Roy coming in your ears and here's Yazz and she's going Up!

'The Phoenix Club in Bolton has its grand reopening tonight with

'chart-topping pop band Half A Shillin' and TV's own Roy

'"It's the way I tell them" Walker,

'who'll be cutting the ribbon at 7.30.

'Tickets are £15 each - that includes supper and bingo.'

# We've been broken down

# To the lowest turn

# And been... #

-You holding these or what?

-Shut up.

-Chuck us that hammer.

-Here you are.

-You going bald?

-No.

You can see your head through your hair.

-It's always been like that.

-Since when?

-Since for ever.

My hair, it's very fine.

-It's thin. I don't know about fine, it's thin.

-It's not thin.

-It's not thin, all right?

-It's anorexic.

-Oh, shut it.

-Oh, dickhead!

-Here, these are for tonight. Brian says you've got to wear them.

-What are they?

-Headsets.

-Headsets?

-Sets? For your head?

It's all down here, "Grand Gala Opening of the Phoenix Club."

-Yeah, very good.

-Smithills Brewery.

-Who's Brain?

-Brain?

-Brain Potter. Brain Potter.

And on the back, Brain Potter.

Brain Potter on the front, Brain Potter on the back. A disgrace!

-Pop-up.

-Pop-up? What club's that? Whose club's that?

That's not my club, son.

-Ta-da!

-Who the hell's that?

-Who's that supposed to be?

-It's you.

-Get it off. Get it off now.

Stick 'em up your arse.

-How is she? How's your nan?

-Oh, she's fine.

-I've got your present for you.

-Have you?

-Oh, she's great. She's fantastic.

-Me and his nan are like that.

-Here you go. She sent you that.

-Have a go at that.

-Thank you. What is it?

-66 now.

-Is she?

-Mm-hm.

-Is she well?

-Yeah, she's cracking. She's lovely.

-Does she still watch the programme?

-Yeah, she watches you.

She won't be next week cos you're off, aren't you?

Come on, have a look. She got you this specially.

She had one of these spare for you.

-What is it?

-What is it? Is when you...

Put it on, round your neck. You know when you're in a warden...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Round your hat.

-Take my hat off.

-It's for when you're in a warden-controlled flat.

You know what I mean?

Touch your button there.

That's what you do.

-They come running, do they?

-Yeah.

If Mary's in the garden

and you keel over watching Cash In The Attic...

-..push that and that's it, you see?

-What a very nice idea!

-And I've got you something now.

-What have you got?

I got you something because you've got to... Now you're hanging it up,

you've got to keep active, you know what I mean?

I don't want you going stiff.

You've got to keep going and I've got you...

Here, you'll love this.

-Stand up. Stand up.

-Oh, God. It gets worse.

I've got you a job.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Here you are.

Put that on. There you go.

Put your arm in here.

Oh, yeah! Hang on. Wait there.

20 minutes.

20 minutes in the morning.

It's a primary school. It's a primary school.

20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes at night. That'll be you.

Go on. Oh! That's it. Go on.

Go on. Go on.

Thank you. Thank you.

-I know why you want one of them headsets.

-Why?

You don't want to mess up your hair. HE CHUCKLES

-What hair you've got left.

-Don't.

Hey, baldy.

Baldy bouncer.

-Leave it.

-Baldy, baldy. Baldy.

-Baldy, baldy, baldy.

-LEAVE IT!

-Oi! Oi!

That's it. Every last one of them.

GLASS SHATTERING

Shine a light. What were that?

HE GROANS

Max!

-Is he all right? Has he fell?

-Jesus Christ. Help me, will you?

Get up, you girl.

Took my mum for a big shop today.

We always go Asda, because we can park in that parent-and-child bit

at the front of the shop.

I'm with my mum. They don't put an age range on it, you might as well.

You're right at the front of the shop, it's beltin'.

At least you know where you parked when you come out.

You're not like them dads that can't remember.

I love seeing dads when they come out. They've no short-term memory.

When the car is parked there and they come out...

"Car's gone. Bloody car's gone.

"Jean. Jean, car's gone."

They do that dad run that dads do. I love that.

Where they don't actually move any quicker. They just...

Have you seen that? "Jean."

"Bloody car's gone. Sierra... Sierra's gone."

You might as well walk. What's that?!

"Jean, bloody car's... It's gone. We've had it."

I love seeing people running for buses and then they miss them,

and then pretend that they didn't want them.

What's all that about?!

-Anyway, how was your make-up party?

-Virgin V.

It's next Monday. I got my weeks wrong.

-I just went dogging instead.

-Come again?

-Eh?

-What?

-Virgin V, it's next Monday.

Bugger the Virgin V. You went dogging?

Yeah, went with Ken my neighbour. There was nothing on telly,

so we just went up the back field.

-Dogging?

-Yeah.

-As in dogging?

-Yeah, dogging.

-Well...

-Well, you've opened my eyes.

-What do you mean?

-You went dogging?

-Yes!

-And who's this Ken fella?

-Ken, my next door neighbour.

-He's in his 80s now, but he's very active.

-Sounds like it.

Beautiful blue eyes.

I think that's the glaucoma.

I have to link him through the woods.

I bet you do.

Dirty old bastard.

What?! What's your problem?

Nowt.

It is a shame for him, though.

He usually takes Maggie, but she's on her last legs.

-Who's Maggie?

-His cocker.

A cocker?

Spaniel.

A dog?

Well, what else?

So dogging's with a dog?

Are you slow, John?

Of course dogging's with a dog. What else would dogging be?

So you didn't have sex outdoors with people watching?

Are you out of your...?! What?! What are you...?!

Why are you asking me that?!

Sick!

SHE RETCHES

-You are sick, John.

-Why?

You said you went dogging outdoors. What am I supposed to think?

In the park, with my dog!

Dogging with my dog, Misty.

So you go dog walking, you don't go dogging.

-Well, it's the same thing.

-They're not the same thing.

Are they hellers the same thing. They're a million miles apart!

Where have you been living, on the moon?

Dog walkers are doggers.

I've even got a car sticker that says,

"Dogging's for life, not just for Christmas."

People are always beeping.

I bet they are! I bloody bet they are!

Dogging is people outside, using a car,

having sex with other people watching.

Urgh!

-Where's the dog?

-What dog?

Where's the dog in your dogging?

I don't know. I...

-I don't think there is a dog.

-Well, why is it called dogging?

Don't know, but I'm telling you, dogging is not walking with dogs.

You're winding me up.

Ask anybody.

-Do you know what? I bloody well will.

-I'm telling you.

Whoa! Can you move back, please? Can you move back, please?

15 quid a ticket, why can't we go around there?

Cos it's for VIPs only, that's why, love.

Oh, hey, it's all wrong, this. We're penned in here like cows.

-PADDY, ON RADIO:

-'Punch her in the face.'

Right, Roy, if you'd just like to get under the ribbon. Ten!

Nine.

-ALL:

-Eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one...

MUTED CHEERS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at the lights, look at the lights.

Oi, love, look at the lights.

Ladies and gentlemen, and Roy, welcome to the Phoenix Club.

-ONE PERSON CLAPS

-Yay.

-If you'd like...

If you'd like to make your way through to the Pennine Suite,

"can-apes" will be served forthwith.

Eyeball, eyeball, I think I've got myself a convoy here.

'10-4, Rubberdick.'

Hey, less of the Rubberdick.

Baldly.

MAX CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Know what I love about a karaoke?

When you're singing on a karaoke,

you haven't got a clue that those were t'words.

I was singing Take That, Back For Good.

# Wash your back Wash your back

# Wash your back... #

"Want you back"?! What's this, "Want you back"?

I've been singing "wash your back" for 15 years.

It's only when you go on a karaoke and you see t'lyrics,

that's what they're supposed to be singing!

You know that song, We Are Family?

For years, I thought they were singing,

"Just let me staple the vicar."

Right? Who's right and who's wrong here? Listen.

# All of the people around us they say

# "Can they be that close?"

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# Just let me staple the vicar... #

That's what they sing!

"Just let me staple the vicar."

What's all that about?

# Just let me staple the vicar... #

"We're giving love in a Femidom."

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# We're giving love in a Femidom

# We are family... #

You know Duffy? Duffy, the Welsh songstress?

Last three years,

I thought that poor cow were begging me for birdseed.

LAUGHTER

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed

# I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed... #

Apparently, it's "mercy". I thought it were birdseed!

I'm on t'karaoke with it, "Birdseed, birdseed!"

"Mercy"?

-MAX, OVER RADIO: Patrick, can you hear me now?

-Yeah.

Hang on. Can you hear me now?

Hear you? I can see you, you dick.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah, you'll have to go further than that.

They're dear, these, you know.

Can you hear me now?

LAUGHTER

# I can't go on

# Thinking

# Nothing's wrong... #

Drive, by The Cars. A beautiful song.

They used this on Live Aid, do you remember?

They showed it over this harrowing footage

of these starving Ethiopians.

ONE PERSON CACKLES

LAUGHTER

HE MOUTHS

If you listen closely, they're actually singing about pork pie.

Pork pie, swear to God!

# Thinking

# Nothing's wrong

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# Pork pie. #

LAUGHTER

I pledged money, me. "Pork pie"! I pledged money!

'Can you hear me now? Paddy, can you hear me now?'

Yeah, where are you?

'I'm here, look. I'm on the bus, on the bus.'

Look, I'm here. Hey, look, I'm on the bus! Hey!

Hey! Look, I'm on the bus. Hey!

LAUGHTER

-MICHAEL JACKSON:

-# You are not alone. #

Can't believe it, can you? You know what I mean?

He should have been on here.

PARTS OF AUDIENCE "OOH"

Apparently, according to Michael, your burgers are the best.

# I can hear your prayers

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# Your burgers are the best. #

He must have had one of their burger vans.

You know they have at funfairs?

Doing steak Canadians and hot dogs.

Speaking of hot dogs...

# Near

# Far

# Wherever you are... #

I believe the hot dogs go on.

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# I believe that the hot dogs go on. #

He's got a bit of rivalry, eh, Michael?

Celine's peddling hot dogs.

It's on his patch.

How did you get on with Misty, being at work all day?

She's a house dog. She's very lazy.

Ken nips round at lunchtime.

What, has he got a key?

-Yeah.

-You gave him a key to your house?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-In emergencies.

He nips in at lunchtime, lets her out the back,

she has a little run round.

Sometimes, if he's going for a walk, he'll take her with him.

You're very trusting, giving him a key.

It's Ken, what's he going to do?

-Dance round with your knickers on his head.

-Ugh...

You're bad-minded, John, that's your problem.

Well, you leave a camera set up, you'll soon find out...

Yes, we will soon find out.

Never mind You've Been Framed, it'll be Ken Goes Dogging.

Right, pull over now.

-What?

-Just pull over here, quick.

Why? What's up? Oh, come on, I was only having a laugh.

Excuse me.

Yeah, you. Excuse me, have you got a minute?

You know him?

-Who is he?

-Hello! You're beautiful, aren't you?

You out with your daddy? You're beautiful. How old is she?

-She's just six months.

-Aww.

-Bloody handful, I can tell you.

-Aww.

-Listen, would you mind settling an argument for us?

-Go on.

Would you describe yourself as a dogger?

Oh, sorry, bud, she don't mean any offence.

-Don't listen.

-Is this a wind-up?

-No, no, not at all, not at all.

-Oh, God.

-So, why do you ask? Are you both, erm, doggers?

Well, I am, he just thinks I'm some kind of weirdo.

Most natural thing in the world! I've done it for years.

-How I met the wife.

-Aww.

See?

And where do you do your dogging, mate?

To be honest, best place I've found -

the industrial estate after dark.

-Right.

-Need to keep your wits about you.

Yeah.

Why, are you looking for a mate to go dogging with?

Me and the wife would love the company.

Yeah, don't see why not. That would be lovely.

See? Told you.

He doesn't understand the joys of dogging.

Well, he's clearly never fucked in front of a crowd, has he, flower?

Right, drive on. Drive on, John! John, drive, drive, drive!

Since you crowned Geraldine your winner,

she has become an international superstar, and it now seems

that everybody wants a big helping of the dinner lady-turned-diva.

I've not stopped.

I've hardly had time to catch my breath, which is a worry

because I'm asthmatic. It's been an amazing few months.

I've been whisked here and whisked there. Here, there and everywhere.

I've done more photoshoots than Max Spielmann.

They've had me in every position imaginable - nothing candid.

Not yet, anyway!

GERALDINE SNORTS

I met Barack Obama. Barack Obama, can you believe it?

He's truly an amazing man.

Got to sing The Winner's Song with him.

That was incredible.

But one of the highlights for me was going on Hole In The Wall.

Though my team lost - I had Mr T and Stephen Hawking.

No holes fit him.

I also got to appear with one of my favourite bands of all time,

Take That. I was a special guest on their show.

Please welcome Geraldine!

That was amazing. They were lovely, lovely men.

Gary, Howard, Jason and Mark - met them all.

I can't believe it. Look at me, stood here with Take That!

I can't believe it!

And then I had to do a little bit of a quiz.

Which member of Take That would like to ride me like a donkey?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, come on!

-You can ride us all, Geraldine.

-All of you. Form a queue.

I was getting down off the boxes and then Mark grabbed me

and pulled me on top of him!

What's he like? I was on top of him in the studio, straddling him.

I nearly crushed him to death!

Unbelievable. What does he think I am, a machine?

And can you believe I got a call from the lovely

Stella McCartney asking if I could turn on the Christmas lights

at a shop in Mayfair?

We had to pay so much for this appearance.

That was a very glamorous night.

Stella is such a lovely person, but sadly none of her clothes fit me.

Everybody was there. I got to meet Lulu.

That was ironic because I ordered my very fist Cross Your Heart Bra

when she was doing the Freemans catalogues.

That was over 30 years ago! She still looks the same!

I don't know how she does it.

# He has a powerful weapon

# He charges a million a shot. #

And I had to go outside and flick the big switch.

You should have seen the paparazzi - unbelievable! I felt like Diana.

Good job I don't have epilepsy.

CHEERING

We sang a few Christmas songs

and then who would you believe showed up?

Sir Paul McCartney!

I'm sure that man's stalking me.

It was amazing. We sang together...

# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. #

See, I knew we'd see each other again.

Special connection.

But I think the highlight of everything I've done so far

has been appearing on the Royal Variety Performance

in front of Prince Charles.

I get emotional just thinking about it now.

To think I used to sit at home when I was a little boy,

me and my mummy and daddy, and dream about being on it one day.

There I was on stage.

Hello.

Well, who'd have thought it?

Little old me on the Royal Variety Performance.

Now I'm about to perform in front of His Royal Highness.

You'll get your crown eventually - I got mine.

I met Prince Charles after.

I told him I had him at home on a tea towel, and would you believe?

He's got one of me!

Said him and Camilla used to vote for me every week.

I'd like to take this opportunity while I'm here to say thanks -

thanks to each and every one of the people who voted for me.

My journey so far has been incredible

and it's all because I had a dream.

Just like Dr Martin Luther King, I had a dream.

And you've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream,

how else are you going to have a dream come true?

Meanwhile, k.d. lang's singing about arseholes.

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# Arseholes. #

LAUGHTER

I don't waste my evenings.

# What do you get when you kiss a guy?

# You get enough germs to catch pneumonia. #

After you do, he'll never bone you.

I swear to God, bone you.

Bobbie Gentry, filth. Listen.

# Enough germs to catch pneumonia

# After you do, he'll never bone ya. #

HE MOUTHS

Filth. I've sang that in the car with my mum!

# I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. #

-You going out tonight?

-No, back to my mum's again.

Power-washing the stone cladding,

-after I've taken her to Zumba.

-Oh, where does she go?

Mmm, church hall, Prestolee. Near the crematorium.

Oh, she wants to try Sh'Bam.

It's the new Zumba, works every muscle group.

She can come with me.

St Michael's Primary every Tuesday. Don't, you'll make me yawn.

How much?

3.50, but they test your cholesterol, as well.

-Who does?

-Shirley's husband.

Is he trained?

Well, he got a pack from Flora a couple of years back. He uses that.

-Oh, 'ey up, you're wanted here.

-Oh, it's Ken from next door.

-You're shitting me.

-Don't say anything, don't say anything.

-Hiya, Ken!

-Hiya, Kayleigh!

-Hello!

-This is John from work.

-Oh, hi, John.

-Come in, why don't you? Come in!

-This is Ken.

That's a hell of a grip, eh? Bet you need that.

Kayleigh, do you fancy going dogging again after Corrie?

HE CHORTLES

-You all right?

-She just told me a joke, buddy.

I'll tell you it later, Ken.

I think we need to have a little chat, Kenneth, all right?

OK, I'll come out now, Ken.

OK.

-I'll leave that one with you, Kayleigh.

-Shut up.

Shut up!

-I'll see you in the morning!

-See you tomorrow.

-Yes!

Woof!

Get in there, Ken!

Whoo!

# I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. #

Every time I think of it, I piss myself.

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# Every time I think of it I piss myself. #

# You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine

# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in. #

Hey, can I just tell you I do my own choreography,

in case you were wondering?

I can't believe you kiss your cock at night.

-SOUNDS LIKE:

-# Guys who likes to shine his machine

# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in

# I can't believe you kiss your cock at night. #

Can't even see mine, let alone kiss it!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much! Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE