Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:10 | |
Three divers to go then and this is | 0:00:26 | 0:00:27 | |
Darren Croll of Australia. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
Oh, that's a good dive. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
642.2 and now Petit of Canada. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Oh, even better! This final really hotting up. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:47 | |
Now the favourite, John Smith for Great Britain. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
-What can he do? -..A running bomb. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
Oh, terrific! The crowd love it. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
And so do the judges. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Top bombing. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
Would you welcome, please, Peter Kay. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
Hello! Hello! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
-Let me put my stuff down. -Hello! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
-Oh, I'm on your foot. -You are. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
I stood on your slip-on. How are you, David? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
It's over now. You can relax. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
-I'm coming round. Coming round. Let me get sorted out. -What's this here? | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
-Stick this here a sec. -What...? | 0:01:39 | 0:01:43 | |
Stay there. How are you? | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
I'm doing all right. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
-Hello. -How are you? | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
Hello. Nice to see you. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
-Let's get started. -Let's get started. -Are you all right? | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
-I'm all right, mate. -Got some stuff. Let's get sorted out. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Well, I brought a bag of treats, didn't I? | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
Because it was your last show, I thought we'd be having a laugh. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
-Presents? -I've got party hats here. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
Stick one of them on. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
Tablecloth. I thought you'd have had a big table, though, when I got that. There you are. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:20 | |
You know, kick our heels up a bit. Enjoy ourselves. There you are. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:25 | |
Get stuck in. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
Blow on that. Go on. Go on! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
Yes! That's what you want! | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
Hang on. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Here you are. Look at that. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
-What's that? -Victoria sandwich. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
I bet you've said that a few times, ain't you, eh? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
I've got some plates an' all. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
There you go. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
Is it that way up? Got a knife. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
I thought, you know, we were having a laugh. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
-French fancies. Got them here. -Oh, dear. -Got the lot here. Cordial. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:07 | |
-What else have you got? -Cordial. Some cordial in there. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
-You want a drink, David? Do you want a drink, David? Do you want a hat? -I don't think so. -Want a hat? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
Got a party popper here for David. One of them, mate. Come on. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:19 | |
Here you are. Hoorah! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
-Now you're talking! This is about you, this. -I know. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:25 | |
-This is your last one, man. -I know that. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Put it on, go on. Because this is it. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
-What else is there? -You've had them all on here, haven't you? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
-I've had them all on here. -Fred Astaire. -Yeah. -Bette Davis. -Yeah. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
-Rod Hull. -Yeah. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
-Morecambe and Wise. -The two of them. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
You're the kiss of death, aren't you, when you think about it? | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
You know what I mean? | 0:03:45 | 0:03:46 | |
How long have we got? You know what I mean? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
We're not on cos we're good, we're on cos we're alive. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
Thank God you're on. I thought I were the youngest. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
It's like Cocoon, this. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:57 | |
Geraldine! | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
Her journey began right here. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Since taking her Pop Factor crown, she has become a... | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
This is the incredible story of... | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
'You're listening to Chorley FM. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
'I'm Paul Le Roy coming in your ears and here's Yazz and she's going Up! | 0:04:56 | 0:05:01 | |
'The Phoenix Club in Bolton has its grand reopening tonight with | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
'chart-topping pop band Half A Shillin' and TV's own Roy | 0:05:05 | 0:05:09 | |
'"It's the way I tell them" Walker, | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
'who'll be cutting the ribbon at 7.30. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
'Tickets are £15 each - that includes supper and bingo.' | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
# We've been broken down | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
# To the lowest turn | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
# And been... # | 0:05:23 | 0:05:24 | |
-You holding these or what? -Shut up. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
-Chuck us that hammer. -Here you are. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
-You going bald? -No. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
You can see your head through your hair. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:36 | |
-It's always been like that. -Since when? -Since for ever. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
My hair, it's very fine. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
-It's thin. I don't know about fine, it's thin. -It's not thin. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
-It's not thin, all right? -It's anorexic. -Oh, shut it. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
-Oh, dickhead! -Here, these are for tonight. Brian says you've got to wear them. -What are they? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:50 | |
-Headsets. -Headsets? -Sets? For your head? | 0:05:50 | 0:05:55 | |
It's all down here, "Grand Gala Opening of the Phoenix Club." | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
-Yeah, very good. -Smithills Brewery. -Who's Brain? -Brain? -Brain Potter. Brain Potter. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:04 | |
And on the back, Brain Potter. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:05 | |
Brain Potter on the front, Brain Potter on the back. A disgrace! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
-Pop-up. -Pop-up? What club's that? Whose club's that? | 0:06:08 | 0:06:13 | |
That's not my club, son. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
-Ta-da! -Who the hell's that? | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
-Who's that supposed to be? -It's you. -Get it off. Get it off now. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:23 | |
Stick 'em up your arse. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
-How is she? How's your nan? -Oh, she's fine. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
-I've got your present for you. -Have you? -Oh, she's great. She's fantastic. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
-Me and his nan are like that. -Here you go. She sent you that. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
-Have a go at that. -Thank you. What is it? -66 now. -Is she? -Mm-hm. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
-Is she well? -Yeah, she's cracking. She's lovely. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
-Does she still watch the programme? -Yeah, she watches you. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
She won't be next week cos you're off, aren't you? | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Come on, have a look. She got you this specially. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
She had one of these spare for you. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
-What is it? -What is it? Is when you... | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Put it on, round your neck. You know when you're in a warden... | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Round your hat. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
-Take my hat off. -It's for when you're in a warden-controlled flat. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
You know what I mean? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Touch your button there. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
That's what you do. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
-They come running, do they? -Yeah. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
If Mary's in the garden | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
and you keel over watching Cash In The Attic... | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
-..push that and that's it, you see? -What a very nice idea! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
-And I've got you something now. -What have you got? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
I got you something because you've got to... Now you're hanging it up, | 0:07:23 | 0:07:27 | |
you've got to keep active, you know what I mean? | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
I don't want you going stiff. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
You've got to keep going and I've got you... | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
Here, you'll love this. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
-Stand up. Stand up. -Oh, God. It gets worse. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
I've got you a job. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Here you are. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:42 | |
Put that on. There you go. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
Put your arm in here. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
Oh, yeah! Hang on. Wait there. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
20 minutes. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
20 minutes in the morning. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
It's a primary school. It's a primary school. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
20 minutes in the morning, 20 minutes at night. That'll be you. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:11 | |
Go on. Oh! That's it. Go on. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:15 | |
Go on. Go on. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
Thank you. Thank you. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
-I know why you want one of them headsets. -Why? | 0:08:24 | 0:08:27 | |
You don't want to mess up your hair. HE CHUCKLES | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
-What hair you've got left. -Don't. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
Hey, baldy. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
Baldy bouncer. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
-Leave it. -Baldy, baldy. Baldy. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:43 | |
-Baldy, baldy, baldy. -LEAVE IT! -Oi! Oi! | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
That's it. Every last one of them. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
GLASS SHATTERING | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
Shine a light. What were that? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
HE GROANS | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Max! | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
-Is he all right? Has he fell? -Jesus Christ. Help me, will you? | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
Get up, you girl. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:02 | |
Took my mum for a big shop today. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
We always go Asda, because we can park in that parent-and-child bit | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
at the front of the shop. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
I'm with my mum. They don't put an age range on it, you might as well. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
You're right at the front of the shop, it's beltin'. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
At least you know where you parked when you come out. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
You're not like them dads that can't remember. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
I love seeing dads when they come out. They've no short-term memory. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
When the car is parked there and they come out... | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
"Car's gone. Bloody car's gone. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
"Jean. Jean, car's gone." | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
They do that dad run that dads do. I love that. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Where they don't actually move any quicker. They just... | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
Have you seen that? "Jean." | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
"Bloody car's gone. Sierra... Sierra's gone." | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
You might as well walk. What's that?! | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
"Jean, bloody car's... It's gone. We've had it." | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
I love seeing people running for buses and then they miss them, | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
and then pretend that they didn't want them. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
What's all that about?! | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
-Anyway, how was your make-up party? -Virgin V. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
It's next Monday. I got my weeks wrong. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
-I just went dogging instead. -Come again? -Eh? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
-What? -Virgin V, it's next Monday. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Bugger the Virgin V. You went dogging? | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
Yeah, went with Ken my neighbour. There was nothing on telly, | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
so we just went up the back field. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
-Dogging? -Yeah. -As in dogging? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:44 | |
-Yeah, dogging. -Well... | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
-Well, you've opened my eyes. -What do you mean? -You went dogging? -Yes! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:51 | |
-And who's this Ken fella? -Ken, my next door neighbour. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
-He's in his 80s now, but he's very active. -Sounds like it. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:59 | |
Beautiful blue eyes. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
I think that's the glaucoma. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
I have to link him through the woods. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
I bet you do. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:06 | |
Dirty old bastard. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:07 | |
What?! What's your problem? | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
Nowt. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
It is a shame for him, though. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
He usually takes Maggie, but she's on her last legs. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
-Who's Maggie? -His cocker. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
A cocker? | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
Spaniel. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:20 | |
A dog? | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Well, what else? | 0:11:22 | 0:11:23 | |
So dogging's with a dog? | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
Are you slow, John? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Of course dogging's with a dog. What else would dogging be? | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
So you didn't have sex outdoors with people watching? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
Are you out of your...?! What?! What are you...?! | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
Why are you asking me that?! | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
Sick! | 0:11:37 | 0:11:38 | |
SHE RETCHES | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
-You are sick, John. -Why? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:41 | |
You said you went dogging outdoors. What am I supposed to think? | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
In the park, with my dog! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
Dogging with my dog, Misty. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
So you go dog walking, you don't go dogging. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
-Well, it's the same thing. -They're not the same thing. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
Are they hellers the same thing. They're a million miles apart! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
Where have you been living, on the moon? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
Dog walkers are doggers. | 0:11:58 | 0:11:59 | |
I've even got a car sticker that says, | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
"Dogging's for life, not just for Christmas." | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
People are always beeping. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 | |
I bet they are! I bloody bet they are! | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
Dogging is people outside, using a car, | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
having sex with other people watching. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
Urgh! | 0:12:13 | 0:12:14 | |
-Where's the dog? -What dog? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
Where's the dog in your dogging? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
I don't know. I... | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
-I don't think there is a dog. -Well, why is it called dogging? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
Don't know, but I'm telling you, dogging is not walking with dogs. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:28 | |
You're winding me up. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
Ask anybody. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:30 | |
-Do you know what? I bloody well will. -I'm telling you. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
Whoa! Can you move back, please? Can you move back, please? | 0:12:39 | 0:12:43 | |
15 quid a ticket, why can't we go around there? | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
Cos it's for VIPs only, that's why, love. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
Oh, hey, it's all wrong, this. We're penned in here like cows. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:53 | |
-PADDY, ON RADIO: -'Punch her in the face.' | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
Right, Roy, if you'd just like to get under the ribbon. Ten! | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
Nine. | 0:12:58 | 0:12:59 | |
-ALL: -Eight, seven, six, five, | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
four, three, two, one... | 0:13:03 | 0:13:08 | |
MUTED CHEERS | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
Look at the lights, look at the lights. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Oi, love, look at the lights. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, and Roy, welcome to the Phoenix Club. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:27 | |
-ONE PERSON CLAPS -Yay. -If you'd like... | 0:13:27 | 0:13:29 | |
If you'd like to make your way through to the Pennine Suite, | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
"can-apes" will be served forthwith. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
Eyeball, eyeball, I think I've got myself a convoy here. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
'10-4, Rubberdick.' | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
Hey, less of the Rubberdick. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
Baldly. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:41 | |
MAX CHUCKLES | 0:13:41 | 0:13:42 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Know what I love about a karaoke? | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
When you're singing on a karaoke, | 0:13:46 | 0:13:47 | |
you haven't got a clue that those were t'words. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
I was singing Take That, Back For Good. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
# Wash your back Wash your back | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
# Wash your back... # | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
"Want you back"?! What's this, "Want you back"? | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
I've been singing "wash your back" for 15 years. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
It's only when you go on a karaoke and you see t'lyrics, | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
that's what they're supposed to be singing! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
You know that song, We Are Family? | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
For years, I thought they were singing, | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
"Just let me staple the vicar." | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
Right? Who's right and who's wrong here? Listen. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
# All of the people around us they say | 0:14:15 | 0:14:20 | |
# "Can they be that close?" | 0:14:20 | 0:14:22 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# Just let me staple the vicar... # | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
That's what they sing! | 0:14:29 | 0:14:30 | |
"Just let me staple the vicar." | 0:14:32 | 0:14:36 | |
What's all that about? | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
# Just let me staple the vicar... # | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
"We're giving love in a Femidom." | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# We're giving love in a Femidom | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
# We are family... # | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
You know Duffy? Duffy, the Welsh songstress? | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
Last three years, | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
I thought that poor cow were begging me for birdseed. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
# I'm begging you for birdseed, birdseed... # | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
Apparently, it's "mercy". I thought it were birdseed! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
I'm on t'karaoke with it, "Birdseed, birdseed!" | 0:15:15 | 0:15:20 | |
"Mercy"? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:21 | |
-MAX, OVER RADIO: Patrick, can you hear me now? -Yeah. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
Hang on. Can you hear me now? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Hear you? I can see you, you dick. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:29 | |
Can you hear me now? | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
Yeah, you'll have to go further than that. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:34 | |
They're dear, these, you know. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
Can you hear me now? | 0:15:37 | 0:15:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
# I can't go on | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
# Thinking | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
# Nothing's wrong... # | 0:15:46 | 0:15:47 | |
Drive, by The Cars. A beautiful song. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
They used this on Live Aid, do you remember? | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
They showed it over this harrowing footage | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
of these starving Ethiopians. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
ONE PERSON CACKLES | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:16:07 | 0:16:08 | |
If you listen closely, they're actually singing about pork pie. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:13 | |
Pork pie, swear to God! | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
# Thinking | 0:16:15 | 0:16:16 | |
# Nothing's wrong | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# Pork pie. # | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:22 | 0:16:23 | |
I pledged money, me. "Pork pie"! I pledged money! | 0:16:25 | 0:16:29 | |
'Can you hear me now? Paddy, can you hear me now?' | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
Yeah, where are you? | 0:16:34 | 0:16:35 | |
'I'm here, look. I'm on the bus, on the bus.' | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
Look, I'm here. Hey, look, I'm on the bus! Hey! | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
Hey! Look, I'm on the bus. Hey! | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:44 | 0:16:45 | |
-MICHAEL JACKSON: -# You are not alone. # | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
Can't believe it, can you? You know what I mean? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:13 | |
He should have been on here. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:14 | |
PARTS OF AUDIENCE "OOH" | 0:17:17 | 0:17:21 | |
Apparently, according to Michael, your burgers are the best. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
# I can hear your prayers | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# Your burgers are the best. # | 0:17:31 | 0:17:35 | |
He must have had one of their burger vans. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
You know they have at funfairs? | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
Doing steak Canadians and hot dogs. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Speaking of hot dogs... | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
# Near | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
# Far | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
# Wherever you are... # | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
I believe the hot dogs go on. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# I believe that the hot dogs go on. # | 0:18:03 | 0:18:11 | |
He's got a bit of rivalry, eh, Michael? | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
Celine's peddling hot dogs. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:19 | |
It's on his patch. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
How did you get on with Misty, being at work all day? | 0:18:24 | 0:18:28 | |
She's a house dog. She's very lazy. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
Ken nips round at lunchtime. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
What, has he got a key? | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
-Yeah. -You gave him a key to your house? -Yeah. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
-Why? -In emergencies. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
He nips in at lunchtime, lets her out the back, | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
she has a little run round. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
Sometimes, if he's going for a walk, he'll take her with him. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
You're very trusting, giving him a key. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
It's Ken, what's he going to do? | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
-Dance round with your knickers on his head. -Ugh... | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
You're bad-minded, John, that's your problem. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Well, you leave a camera set up, you'll soon find out... | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Yes, we will soon find out. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Never mind You've Been Framed, it'll be Ken Goes Dogging. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
Right, pull over now. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
-What? -Just pull over here, quick. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
Why? What's up? Oh, come on, I was only having a laugh. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
Excuse me. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:13 | |
Yeah, you. Excuse me, have you got a minute? | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
You know him? | 0:19:16 | 0:19:17 | |
-Who is he? -Hello! You're beautiful, aren't you? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:21 | |
You out with your daddy? You're beautiful. How old is she? | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
-She's just six months. -Aww. -Bloody handful, I can tell you. -Aww. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:29 | |
-Listen, would you mind settling an argument for us? -Go on. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:33 | |
Would you describe yourself as a dogger? | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
Oh, sorry, bud, she don't mean any offence. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
-Don't listen. -Is this a wind-up? -No, no, not at all, not at all. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
-Oh, God. -So, why do you ask? Are you both, erm, doggers? | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
Well, I am, he just thinks I'm some kind of weirdo. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
Most natural thing in the world! I've done it for years. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
-How I met the wife. -Aww. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
See? | 0:19:52 | 0:19:53 | |
And where do you do your dogging, mate? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
To be honest, best place I've found - | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
the industrial estate after dark. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
-Right. -Need to keep your wits about you. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
Yeah. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:03 | |
Why, are you looking for a mate to go dogging with? | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
Me and the wife would love the company. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
Yeah, don't see why not. That would be lovely. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
See? Told you. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
He doesn't understand the joys of dogging. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
Well, he's clearly never fucked in front of a crowd, has he, flower? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
Right, drive on. Drive on, John! John, drive, drive, drive! | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
Since you crowned Geraldine your winner, | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
she has become an international superstar, and it now seems | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
that everybody wants a big helping of the dinner lady-turned-diva. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:37 | |
I've not stopped. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
I've hardly had time to catch my breath, which is a worry | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
because I'm asthmatic. It's been an amazing few months. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
I've been whisked here and whisked there. Here, there and everywhere. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:48 | |
I've done more photoshoots than Max Spielmann. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
They've had me in every position imaginable - nothing candid. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
Not yet, anyway! | 0:20:53 | 0:20:54 | |
GERALDINE SNORTS | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
I met Barack Obama. Barack Obama, can you believe it? | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
He's truly an amazing man. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Got to sing The Winner's Song with him. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
That was incredible. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
But one of the highlights for me was going on Hole In The Wall. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
Though my team lost - I had Mr T and Stephen Hawking. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:12 | |
No holes fit him. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:13 | |
I also got to appear with one of my favourite bands of all time, | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
Take That. I was a special guest on their show. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
Please welcome Geraldine! | 0:21:20 | 0:21:21 | |
That was amazing. They were lovely, lovely men. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
Gary, Howard, Jason and Mark - met them all. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:28 | |
I can't believe it. Look at me, stood here with Take That! | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
I can't believe it! | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
And then I had to do a little bit of a quiz. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Which member of Take That would like to ride me like a donkey? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
Now, come on! | 0:21:42 | 0:21:43 | |
-You can ride us all, Geraldine. -All of you. Form a queue. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
I was getting down off the boxes and then Mark grabbed me | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
and pulled me on top of him! | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
What's he like? I was on top of him in the studio, straddling him. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
I nearly crushed him to death! | 0:21:58 | 0:21:59 | |
Unbelievable. What does he think I am, a machine? | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
And can you believe I got a call from the lovely | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
Stella McCartney asking if I could turn on the Christmas lights | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
at a shop in Mayfair? | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
We had to pay so much for this appearance. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
That was a very glamorous night. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
Stella is such a lovely person, but sadly none of her clothes fit me. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
Everybody was there. I got to meet Lulu. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
That was ironic because I ordered my very fist Cross Your Heart Bra | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
when she was doing the Freemans catalogues. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
That was over 30 years ago! She still looks the same! | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
I don't know how she does it. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
# He has a powerful weapon | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
# He charges a million a shot. # | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
And I had to go outside and flick the big switch. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
You should have seen the paparazzi - unbelievable! I felt like Diana. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:42 | |
Good job I don't have epilepsy. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:43 | |
CHEERING | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
We sang a few Christmas songs | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
and then who would you believe showed up? | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Sir Paul McCartney! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
I'm sure that man's stalking me. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
It was amazing. We sang together... | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. # | 0:22:59 | 0:23:07 | |
See, I knew we'd see each other again. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Special connection. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:10 | |
But I think the highlight of everything I've done so far | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
has been appearing on the Royal Variety Performance | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
in front of Prince Charles. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
I get emotional just thinking about it now. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
To think I used to sit at home when I was a little boy, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
me and my mummy and daddy, and dream about being on it one day. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:29 | |
There I was on stage. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
Hello. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Well, who'd have thought it? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
Little old me on the Royal Variety Performance. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:40 | |
Now I'm about to perform in front of His Royal Highness. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
You'll get your crown eventually - I got mine. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
I met Prince Charles after. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:49 | |
I told him I had him at home on a tea towel, and would you believe? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
He's got one of me! | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
Said him and Camilla used to vote for me every week. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
I'd like to take this opportunity while I'm here to say thanks - | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
thanks to each and every one of the people who voted for me. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
My journey so far has been incredible | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
and it's all because I had a dream. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
Just like Dr Martin Luther King, I had a dream. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:15 | |
And you've got to have a dream. If you don't have a dream, | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
how else are you going to have a dream come true? | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
Meanwhile, k.d. lang's singing about arseholes. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# Arseholes. # | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
I don't waste my evenings. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
# What do you get when you kiss a guy? | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
# You get enough germs to catch pneumonia. # | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
After you do, he'll never bone you. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
I swear to God, bone you. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
Bobbie Gentry, filth. Listen. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
# Enough germs to catch pneumonia | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
# After you do, he'll never bone ya. # | 0:25:05 | 0:25:09 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
Filth. I've sang that in the car with my mum! | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
# I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. # | 0:25:21 | 0:25:27 | |
-You going out tonight? -No, back to my mum's again. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
Power-washing the stone cladding, | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
-after I've taken her to Zumba. -Oh, where does she go? | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
Mmm, church hall, Prestolee. Near the crematorium. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
Oh, she wants to try Sh'Bam. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
It's the new Zumba, works every muscle group. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
She can come with me. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
St Michael's Primary every Tuesday. Don't, you'll make me yawn. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
How much? | 0:25:51 | 0:25:52 | |
3.50, but they test your cholesterol, as well. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
-Who does? -Shirley's husband. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
Is he trained? | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
Well, he got a pack from Flora a couple of years back. He uses that. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
-Oh, 'ey up, you're wanted here. -Oh, it's Ken from next door. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
-You're shitting me. -Don't say anything, don't say anything. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:09 | |
-Hiya, Ken! -Hiya, Kayleigh! -Hello! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
-This is John from work. -Oh, hi, John. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
-Come in, why don't you? Come in! -This is Ken. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
That's a hell of a grip, eh? Bet you need that. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
Kayleigh, do you fancy going dogging again after Corrie? | 0:26:19 | 0:26:23 | |
HE CHORTLES | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
-You all right? -She just told me a joke, buddy. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
I'll tell you it later, Ken. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:30 | |
I think we need to have a little chat, Kenneth, all right? | 0:26:30 | 0:26:34 | |
OK, I'll come out now, Ken. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
OK. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
-I'll leave that one with you, Kayleigh. -Shut up. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:43 | |
Shut up! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:44 | |
-I'll see you in the morning! -See you tomorrow. -Yes! | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
Woof! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
Get in there, Ken! | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
Whoo! | 0:26:54 | 0:26:55 | |
# I-I-I believe in you-ou-ou-ou-ou. # | 0:26:57 | 0:27:03 | |
Every time I think of it, I piss myself. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# Every time I think of it I piss myself. # | 0:27:07 | 0:27:12 | |
# You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine | 0:27:27 | 0:27:31 | |
# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in. # | 0:27:31 | 0:27:35 | |
Hey, can I just tell you I do my own choreography, | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
in case you were wondering? | 0:27:38 | 0:27:39 | |
I can't believe you kiss your cock at night. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:45 | |
-SOUNDS LIKE: -# Guys who likes to shine his machine | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
# You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in | 0:27:47 | 0:27:52 | |
# I can't believe you kiss your cock at night. # | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
Can't even see mine, let alone kiss it! | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much! Good night. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 |