Episode 1 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen

MUSIC: Regret by New Order

What's this song called?

Regret, New Order.

Have you got any regrets?

Erm...

The only regret I have is I didn't go and watch Simon and Garfunkel

at Manchester Arena when they did a show in 2004.

I were on nights, working.

What's that face for?

-That's not a regret!

-It bloody is.

That hasn't changed your life.

You said regrets, you didn't say what kind.

I mean, I've been waiting for that since I were...

No. You could say, "I regret missing Corrie last night."

-No, that's not the same.

-That's exactly the same.

-Is it hell as the same!

-It's entertainment.

-You can have entertainment regrets.

-Oh, no, you can't.

Well, I can have whatever I like.

It's not going to change your life or make you depressed.

It has made me depressed, actually, because...

Need to get out more, John.

Don't say that. I've always had a love for Simon and Garfunkel.

Just their two voices together, intertwined, it always...

What?

It always has done.

They're timeless.

Well, you asked me if I had any regrets and I tell...

I was listening!

Well, what you yawning for?

Do you want to ask me?

Have you any regrets, Kayleigh?

No, I haven't.

Oh. There you go.

Well, I have.

Oh, OK.

I regret not finishing my hair and beauty course.

Now, that's shit. See, you go on about Simon and Garfunkel...

-No, because I...

-..and I would say, "What's that all about?"

But then if I was a beautician now...

It's just cos I've got a phobia about feet and smelly women.

Well, that's a bit of a setback in the old beautician game.

-I couldn't do it, couldn't do it.

-Yeah.

If I was a beautician now, I wouldn't be working here

and I wouldn't be car sharing with you, and you wouldn't have met me.

-Well...

-That would have been one of your regrets.

I see how you've spun that round there.

The old Jedi mind trick.

Wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would.

Wouldn't it?

Yeah, all right. Want it in writing?

Would it?

Yeah.

William Shakespeare went into a pub, the landlord said,

"Get out, you're barred."

You're barred! He's a bard, ain't he? Eh?!

We're starting now, now we're starting!

A friend of mine got knocked down by a mobile library.

You're laughing, son, it's funny, isn't it?

Wouldn't be laughing if it were full of hardbacks.

You'd be on your arse, wouldn't be laughing then.

Where do you get your kicks, Casualty?

He were lying on the road, screaming, and the driver got out

and said, "Shh."

Hey!

Blast off!

We're at the top, we're going higher.

Taking you higher.

Naked man lay down on a road with a woman on his back.

"Where you going?" "Fancy dress party."

"What as?" "Tortoise." "Who's she?"

"That's Michelle."

Me shell! Eh!

# Come and get your black bin bags

# They're on offer till December

# Come and get your black bin bags

# They're long and black and slender

# Heavy-duty black bin bags

# No matter what your gender

# Heavy-duty black bin bags

# Whether bi or straight or bender

# Heavy-duty black bin bags

# Something to remember

# Just rip with me, just rip with me

# And tear with me, right now

# Just rip with me and rip with me

# And tear with me right now. #

Fill them up now!

Man went into doctors with a steering wheel down his underpants.

Said, "What happened?"

"I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."

Bit of blue, bit of blue for t'dads.

Bit of blue, they like that.

"Alan, he's blue. Sit down, Alan, he's blue.

"It's going to be good."

I went to doctors, I keep getting bad headaches.

He said, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

He said, "Do you masturbate?"

He says, "Sometimes, yeah."

He said, "It's magic, innit."

Hey!

That's your NHS for you. Up the wall!

Not playing games now.

What? LAUGHTER

More? All right.

Do you another.

Man went into a butchers. He said, "What happened to your assistant?"

He said, "I sacked him." He said, "Why?"

He said, "He was sticking his...

"Sticking his dick in the bacon slicer."

Sorry, Mum.

"He was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer."

He said, "What happened to your bacon slicer?"

He said, "I sacked her and all!"

I sacked her, it were a woman!

That's the twist, you see!

Goodnight! See you! Goodnight!

Thank you very much.

You are a bit of a strange bloke, cos you tape like loads of stuff

on TV, don't you?

I used to put a tape player in front of telly and tape TV themes.

-Why?

-And hear me mum shouting in the kitchen,

"Peter, your tea's ready! Come on, get your tea!"

I'm like, "I'm taping the theme from Tenko, woman!

"Do you have to?"

You were a cinema projectionist once, weren't you?

No.

-No.

-Well, pretend you were for the sake of this interview!

Yeah, I worked with... I was an usher.

Forgive me for being so far off the mark then!

-Well...

-You had a torch, you were working in a cinema.

I didn't have a torch.

I used to dream of having a torch.

£2.40 an hour and all the sweets you can eat.

And then we had the only partially sighted dwarf projectionist

in England, who put the trailer for Showgirls on front of Pocahontas.

I'll never forget that.

Saturday afternoon...

All these custody dads were like that...

I'm like, "Alan, take it off, man!"

This is Chorley FM, coming in your ears.

MUSIC: Make Me Smile by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel

Do you want one of these for the station?

-What happened?

-The police stopped me again.

Right.

Come on! Hurry up!

Spelling it wrong! Spelling it wrong!

Pyskick? What's a pyskick?

Supposed to be psychic!

Tit!

I used to work in a shop, me, and I used to till stuff up...

Showing you, look.

When people came in, they'd come in, I'd say, "That's £3.42, please."

"Do you want the 42?" "What?"

"Do you want the 42?"

Yeah, I do!

Otherwise, it'd be three quid.

And that's not enough, is it?

"No, you're all right, I'll take it out me wage, shall I?"

Eh?

People say stupid things.

A woman come up to me in Bolton at Christmas.

She went, "Excuse me, love, excuse me.

"Am I going the right way?"

I don't know! I don't know where you're going!

"I'll tell you this for free!" I love that one.

"I'll tell you this for free!"

Put your money away.

"Believe you me, believe you me!"

Me? What did I get dragged into? You, me?

You, me? What's it got to do with me, you, me?

"I won't touch him with a barge pole."

Who's got a barge pole?

Who's got a barge pole?

"I won't touch it with a ten-foot pole."

Oh, no! No, no.

"He's happy as Larry."

Who's this Larry?

Who's this Larry fella we can compare ourselves to

he's that happy?

"first things first." That's a belter.

"Come on, first things first."

Really? Let's have first things third, shall we?

I love it when you come back off your holidays

and people say, "Eh, I see you brought the good weather

"back with you."

Imagine that at customs, eh?

"Look in here, shall we.

"Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm blinded, blinded!

"Crowded House here, look at that!"

Is it dead?

Either that or it's going to piss it down.

Bit strong, that kick.

That's funny, that kick!

Is it dead?

Cos it moves, you see, that's what...

Well, it's my boot, isn't it?

-BLEEP

-weigh about a tonne and a half, them.

When I step into those prison showers, they'll think...

-Keep going.

-Yeah, I am, I am.

What do you mean it's all right for me?

When Paddy steps into them Christmas showers...

Wait.

Geraldine McQueen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woo!

WHISTLING

Oh, God!

-Hello!

-Hello!

Nice to see you!

Hello, nice to meet you, Carol.

CROWD CHANTS 'GERALDINE'

Oh, hello!

That's a hug!

-Hello.

-Whoa!

-Oh, my!

-Geraldine, take a seat!

Hello, everybody. Look at me, on Loose Women!

Look at this.

-Who'd have thought it?

-You look quite angelic, I have to say.

I do. You look a bit like Edward Scissorhands.

-I wondered what was going on.

-Oh, I like that.

I noticed they tamed your bush after Part One.

Geraldine!

Drink?

-BLEEP.

-You bastard.

Obviously, Geraldine, you're from Northern Ireland.

-Yes, I am.

-Have you relocated now to London?

I'm in a little town, just south of London now, called Hull.

And...

Come on, now.

Grow up, grow up, Sherrie.

I'm in Hull and I get back to Northern Ireland now and again,

but I have to because I'm tagged.

So it's part of the...

So, I was going to ask you now, are you attached to your home?

But actually, you pretty much are.

I kind of was attached to my home,

but I'm from the travelling community, so my house is on wheels.

Can I ask you about the relationship with your mother?

We had a very difficult relationship.

But we've got over it now cos she's died.

And can I ask you... I mean, obviously, you've mentioned

the fact that, you know, you used to be Gerry...

Gerry, he's gone now.

-The rebirth.

-Do you have a man in your life?

I do. Well, I saw Adrian Chiles this morning.

-I saw that!

-I'm not made of wood, let's be honest.

I might be a lady, but I've got a man's appetite.

I went round me grandma's flat, I walked in, she said,

"Guess who's dead?"

Guess who's dead, I've got to guess.

Guess who's dead?

Where do you start with something like that?

"Guess who's dead? You'll never guess."

Chuck me t'phone book.

"Connie." "Who?" "Connie."

"Who's Connie?" "Connie, in the flat upstairs. I heard a thud,

"during Bargain Hunt."

"I don't know who you mean." "Connie!"

"Who's Connie?" "Connie, Connie, Connie!"

Oh, well, now you've repeated it, bloody penny's dropped now.

"There were Connie, Pat and Theresa, and Joe, he had a beard,

"emigrates to Canada. Remember, he joined RAF?

"Big lad, his daughter, Donna, grand-daughter,

"used to be at nursery with you. She ate crayons.

"She's in police now, she's a desk sergeant.

"She had a club foot. She had a kinky leg when she walked.

"Used to work at Warburtons.

"Jimmy's in borstal.

"He knocked a nun down on Green Lane, in a three wheeler.

"Kelly and Angela live over at dry cleaners together.

"They're both lesbians."

She can't say lesbian, me nana, she'll burn if she says lesbian.

MUMBLES: "They're both lesbian."

"Connie, dead, eh? I only saw her on Tuesday and all."

"And?"

"Well, she looked all right to me."

I said, "She got knocked down by a bloody bus!

"What do you want her to look like, that?"

"I saw her in Netto shopping. I said, "What do you want?

"Grim Reaper pushing a trolley behind her?

"Come on, Connie, love, get in, you don't need firelighters, not where you are going. Come on.

"Time's time. Come on. Come on, I've got £1 on this trolley.

"Get in child seat, come on." How camp is Grim Reaper?

Let me tell you. Come on.

"Oh, my side. My wrists are wrecking. I tell you.

"Take my hood off. Is it hot in here, or is it me?" I love that.

"Is it hot in here, or is it me?"

"How is he?" "He's all right." "But how is he in himself?"

How is he in himself? What is he, a contortionist?

Thank you. Let go.

Let go now.

THEY LAUGH

Let go.

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

-RECORDED VOICE:

-Hundreds of years ago, when man walked the planet,

he had no real means of communication.

In time, man developed a phenomena which has never been fully

understood by the psychic community.

This phenomena is Clinton Baptiste.

THUNDER RUMBLES

-IN BROAD NORTHERN ACCENT:

-Are you all right?

APPLAUSE

Now, I'm getting a voice, the spirits are very strong tonight, very strong.

Hey. Oh.

I'm getting the name...

I'm hearing the name...

..John. Is there a John in the audience.

SEVERAL PEOPLE RESPOND

Well, that meant leaving me, you know the Maxter.

Where are you living now?!

-How

-BLEEP

-loud's that?

LAUGHTER

Jesus wept.

It's me, Max.

Me and Paddy are in prison.

CHEERING

Tina, they've just scored.

LAUGHTER

I don't drink out of both taps. And that lad definitely does not.

Cheeky bastards!

HE LAUGHS

Cheeky bastards!

Sorry.

HE LAUGHS

A friend of mine won a trolley dash round Netto. Seriously.

A trolley dash. Run round, got to check out, trolley piled up here.

They tilled it up, 11 quid.

You can't argue with them prices, can you?

It's the only place I know where carrier bags are dearer than beans.

And they're good carrier bags and all.

They are, they're the kind of carrier bags that your mum

uses to put all other carrier bags inside.

What's all that about?!

"Mum, have you got a carrier bag." "Just hang on.

"I've got a Next one in here with good handles.

"Where is it?"

"Mum, we're going." "Wait!"

"Mum, we're back."

How are you on diets? What are you like if you're on a diet?

Well, I think you are what you eat. And I'm a Twix. So...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-What are you? What are you? A Ripple. A Ripple.

-Yeah, yeah.

A walnut whip.

What are you, Carol?

-She's a sausage.

-I'm a sausage. A bowl of soup.

A bowl of soup.

And, Geraldine, you're on Loose Women now.

I mean, surely that must have been an aspiration for you.

-Do you have any more aspirations?

-What did you ask, what did you say?

LAUGHTER

Go on, tell me. What did you say? I can't hear you. It's the wig.

It's the wig. What did you say? What?

-Come on. Tell me.

-How do you cope...?

-I think Gerry's coming back. What?

LAUGHTER

Your mother, John. She were quite young when she died. Am I right?

93.

Yeah, but she were young in herself, though? She were young at heart.

-She seemed to slow down a lot towards the end. Am I right?

-Yeah.

This is your partner, correct?

-Now, I think there's something you want to tell her, am I right?

-No.

I think there is. Something you wanted to get off your chest.

You may be a bit ashamed of.

Don't you think you should tell her, John, before you both get hurt?

Nothing, there's nothing!

AUDIENCE GASP

-What is it?

-Hey, mouth!

What's right with him? You want to smarten yourself up a bit...

HE LAUGHS

-BLEEP

-hell! What the

-BLEEP?

-LAUGHTER

-I

-BLEEP

-hate wasps.

How are you, Billy? Good to see you.

-How are you, sensei?

-I'm good. And you?

-And you, sir.

-Yeah.

-BLEEP

-wrong.

-Just stay there.

-"How are you?" "And you."

Good to see you, Billy. How are you?

-And you, sir... Sensei.

-BLEEP

-hell.

-What is it?

-"How are you?"

What's that you're burning?

-My

-BLEEP

-life's work?

THEY LAUGH

Don't worry, love, you'll still be able to visit.

AUDIENCE GASP

Now, I'm feeling it very strongly over here. Now, what's your name?

-Don't tell me. It's Sss...

-Sonia.

-Sonia.

Sonia. Now, Sonia, love, you've not been very well, have you, love?

-Am I right?

-No.

-Debbie's been ill.

-Debbie. Debbie's been...

You have, haven't you, love. You've been very poorly.

And it's not been easy, has it?

And it is terminal, isn't it?

No. No.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Right, hands up - who can't have children?

AUDIENCE GASPS

You gotta be cruel to be kind.

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

I'm only telling you what the spirits are telling me.

Now...

I'm getting the word...

..nonce.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Argh!

Went to Connie's funeral just before Christmas.

A really bad day, raining, fine rain - soaks you through.

The worst kind of rain, that fine rain.

It's trying. Ugh! It's trying.

It's trying. Ugh! It would if it could.

Can't make its mind up.

I didn't know what coat to put on.

Raining.

Then we went to the cemetery, then we went back to the pub,

cos they put a bit of a buffet on for Connie, not that she ate much.

There were...

There's always, there's always aunties and uncles there

that you haven't seen for years.

Not your proper aunties and uncles - just friends.

And there's always an Uncle Knobhead.

There's always an Uncle Knobhead.

There's an Uncle Knobhead in everyone's family.

There's one in ours. I'll not tell you his name. Jack.

He's a...sweep-over. Smokes roll-ups, yellow-stained fingers.

Always setting fire when he's talking. "Are you listening?"

HE IMITATES SINGEING

"That's right, that's right. Are you ignoring me, hey?

"I'm with the wife, I'm with the enemy. That's right."

"I've just had a bypass. It's touch-and-go, touch-and-go.

"Me heart's on its arse."

Is it? That a medical term?

He came into the toilets, he went, "Woo! Woo!"

Are the police here? "Woo! Look at you, eh?

"Hey, you're shooting up, aren't you?"

"No, I'm having a piss, actually. If you don't mind..."

"Hey, how old are you now?" "29."

"29! Woo! Catching me up."

"No, you'll always have that 25 years' edge on me there."

"I remember you when you were down here."

"Yeah, well, I don't want to talk about that, if you don't mind."

They were all sat round having some buffet.

This woman said, "Ooh!

"Ooh!" CHUCKLING: Yes...

"Ooh! Did you see the rain today, in the cemetery?

"Raining? I've never known rain like it.

"But, when they lowered that coffin of Connie's,

"did you see, did you notice?

"The clouds parted and the bloody sun shone.

"That were Connie. She were there. She did that. That were Connie."

I said, "What? That were the weather."

"No, no, that were Connie. She were there.

"In't that right, Lena?"

"That's right. I tell you now..."

"..I lost my Billy five years ago.

"He loved..." HE CLEARS THROAT VIOLENTLY

"He loved cheese and onion crisps. He loved 'em."

"Cheese and onion crisps, cheese and onion crisps..."

"..he couldn't get enough of them.

"Quavers? He loved Quavers.

"He couldn't move for Quavers in our house. He loved Quav...

"Multipacks. Quavers.

"And when he died, and they lowered his coffin into the ground...

"I swear on our Christine's eyes..."

Don't, please.

"As they lowered the coffin - God as me witness..."

"..an empty packet of Quavers blew across."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"That were Billy. He were there."

-If you had a vocal coach...

-What are you trying to say?

She doesn't need a vocal coach!

# Wasn't it good? Oh so good

# Wasn't he fine? Oh so fine.

# Isn't it madness... # Come on!

-ALL:

-# He won't be mine...

-This is lovely...

# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me

# More security

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

# I know him so well. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

MUSIC BEGINS

# Nothing is so good it lasts eternally

# Perfect situations must go wrong

# But this has never yet prevented me

# Wanting far too much for far too long

# Looking back I could have played it differently

# Won a few more moments who can tell?

# But it took time to understand the man

# Now at least I know I know him well

-# Wasn't it good?

-Oh so good

-# Wasn't he fine?

-Oh so fine

-# Isn't it madness

-Madness

-TOGETHER:

-# He can't be mine?

# But in the end, he needs a little more than me

# More security

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

# I know him so well

# No-one in your life is with you constantly

# No-one is completely on your side

# And though I move my world to be with him

PHONE RINGS

# Still the gap between us is too wide

# Looking back, I could have played it differently

# Learned about the man before I fell

# I was just a little careless

# But I was ever so much younger then

# Now at least I know him well

-# Now at least...

-I know, I know him well

-# Wasn't it good?

-Oh so good

-# Wasn't he fine?

-Oh so fine

-# Isn't it madness

-Madness

# He won't be mine?

# Didn't I know

# How it would go

# If I knew from the start

# Why am I falling apart?

# Wasn't it good?

# Wasn't he fine?

# Isn't it madness

# He won't be mine?

# But in the end he needs a little bit more than me

# More security

# He needs his fantasy and freedom

# I know him so well

# It took time to understand him

# I know him so well. #

MUSIC: Once Upon A Christmas Song by Geraldine McQueen