Episode 2 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

This programme contains adult humour

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time on Irish television,

would you please welcome Mr Peter Kay?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la

# Sha la la la la la la la

Cut. Cut.

Ryan's exposed. Ryan's exposed.

-Ryan's unplugged.

-Oh, that's...

Hello, everybody.

CHEERING

Weren't that nice, that?

Woo! Woo!

Oh, that were good.

I can't believe you just picked me up, I can't believe it.

Can't believe I just picked you up?

You're a young Henry Kelly, man, how can I not pick you up?

APPLAUSE

-I thought I was on here for a laugh.

-You are, you are.

-I thought I was on here for a laugh.

-No, you are.

-You are the spits of him, it's got to be said.

-I know, I get it all...

-Going for Gold.

-Hans from Germany. Bling! Yeah, I'm all right.

-I used to watch that, yeah.

-Is Amarillo still...?

Is that OK with you now, or is it getting a little bit...?

-It's fantastic.

-Are you not tired of it, you're OK with it?

No, funny, over here, some girl came up to me, she went, "Are you Tony Christie?"

And I went, "No." "You are, you're Tony Christie."

"I'm not Tony Christie." "You're Tony Christie."

I said... "The Amarillo man. The Amarillo man, you're Tony Christie."

I said, "I'm not." I ended up getting my MasterCard out and showing it.

"Pete... I am Peter Kay. Peter Kay!"

She went, "Oh, it's not Tony Christie, it's not him."

What's happened? What's happened?

-Listen, the acts for Stars in Their Eyes. They're not coming.

-You what?

-They're not coming.

-What do you mean, they're not coming?

Well, you know they were coming? Well, now they're not.

-Don't start getting sarcastic, Jerry.

-What are we going to do now?

APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jerry St Clair,

your host and compere and licensee of the Phoenix Club.

-Welcoming you to our Stars in Your Eyes night.

-All right?

-Everything all right, Brian?

-Yeah, why?

-You're late starting.

Oh, you know the drill. The longer you wait, the more they'll sup.

So, let's get the show on the road with our first act.

Tonight, singing live, it's...Lulu!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY MOUTH TO EACH OTHER

# Weeeeeeeelllllll

# You know you make me wanna shout Look, my hand's jumping

# Look, my heart's thumping Throw your head back

# Come on now

# Don't forget to say you will... # Lovely!

# Don't forget to shout Yeah, yeah

# Do you remember

# When I used to be nine years old... #

Do you remember, love?

I don't know who I can be.

Just keep looking, there's got to be something in there.

# And you know you make me want to shout, woo!

# Shout, woo! Shout, woo!

# Shout, woo! Shout, shout, shout, shout

# Shout, shout, shout... # Come on!

# Shout, shout, shout, shout, shout

# Shout

# You know I feel

# Alllllllll....

# Right! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, hey, now you're talking.

# Please release me, let me go

# For I don't love you anymore

# To waste our lives would be a sin

# So release me

# My darling

# Let me... #

Go! Hey, hey! Fantastic.

He's not playing games, is he? What time's bingo, Mam?

Oh!

HE BREAKS WIND

HE URINATES HEAVILY

Do you mind?! Some of us are trying to get a bit of kip in here.

Oh, get to...

HE URINATES HEAVILY

BIG BEN TOLLS

I have the occasional Bailey's, sometimes.

More of a dessert than a drink, I grant you.

Last time I had a proper Bailey's, I went on my school reunion.

Have you ever been on one of them?

I tell you now, there's a reason you've not kept in touch with

some of them people over the years.

Someone got in touch through FaceTube, and I thought, "I've got to go."

Curiosity got the better of me. And I went with a mate of mine.

It's your worst nightmare. You walk in,

there's people I've not seen for 20 years.

You know you're getting old when the local lollipop lady was in your class at school.

And everyone has got older, fatter and balder. Them's the women.

I went over...

And all the teachers were there, they don't get any older.

Nuns, I had nuns teaching me. Honest to God, nuns are miserable.

No sense of humour. Nun. I tell you that now.

Used to send them a Valentine's card every year from Jesus.

Every February.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, I died for you."

Sister Sledge, she was headmistress at our school. Sister Sledge.

She was lost in music, caught in a trap.

No turning back.

She once got all fifth year boys in assembly.

"Someone's thrown a shatterproof ruler at Carol Farrell."

Were there a time before shatterproof rulers existed?

What, were they blowing up in kids' faces? Why were they shatterproof?

What was that about, shatterproof? "Get them shatterproof, Bob, shatterproof these,

"quick as you can. They're blowing up in kids' faces here. Get them shatterproof, son."

Bang! "Another one gone. Quick, shatterproof."

"It hit her there.

"If it had been an inch lower, it would have been instant death.

"When I find out who it is, I'll take them

"on that stage in assembly and I'll bang them in front of everybody."

I don't think you will.

Now you're talking.

# I'm Slim Shady, I'm the real Slim Shady

# All you other Slim Shadys, you're just imitating

# So won't the... Please stand up Please stand up, please stand up.

# Said I'm Slim Shady, I'm the real Slim Shady

# All you other Slim Shadys, you're just imitating

# So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?

# Please stand up, please stand up

# Said I'm Slim Shady, I'm the real Slim Shady... #

# Come on, come on, come on, come on

# Come on, come on, come on

# Come on, come on, come on, come on

# Come on, come on, come on

# D'you wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang?

# D'you wanna be in my gang? #

MUSIC STOPS

SILENCE

# I'm the leader, I'm the leader

# I'm the man who put the gang in bang

# You better believe it

# Come on, come on You gotta believe it!

# Come on, come on You better... #

CHEERING

What's so funny? Go on, what?

What? What, go on. SHE LAUGHS

-You'll laugh. You'll laugh.

-What?

We were playing this game last night.

-What?

-Lady Diana.

Hysterical! Hysterical! Have you played it?

-Ha... I've never heard of it, never heard of it.

-Good.

It's my game. Copyright! Copyright here!

You are so leathered!

Lady Diana.

-What did you say?

-Lady Diana.

-Eh?

-Go on, you say it. Lady Diana.

Why? SHE CHUCKLES

It's the game! You've got to say Lady Diana...

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-..as small as you possibly can!

Lady Diana. Go on, you do it.

-Get out of town!

-Do it! Do it!

-No.

-Go on!

-No.

-Go on, go on, go on, go on.

-No, don't be stupid.

-Lady Diana.

-Bloody crap game.

-Lady Diana.

-No.

-Lady Diana.

-Do it. No.

-Lady Diana.

-No.

I'll keep saying it till you do it, John!

-HE SIGHS

-Lady Diana.

-Lady Diana.

No! Do it with a little...

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-..little, tiny mouth. Say it.

Lady Diana.

Lady Diana. Lady Diana.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Lady Diana.

It's outrageous!

BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

I'm going to crash!

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

HE COUGHS

-Ridiculous!

-I just nearly weed!

You've weed...! Don't you wee on my seats, Lady!

..Diana!

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

I'm hurting here!

HE EXHALES DEEPLY That's a good game.

We had real teachers, though, as well, we had humans -

they weren't all nuns.

Have we got any teachers in tonight by any chance?

CHEERING

Whoa, whoa, don't shout out. Put your hands up.

LAUGHTER Hey?

One rule for one... Fingers on lips.

I used to like teachers with amnesia.

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you're dealing with?

How old are you? Where should you be now?

Do you know who I am?

HE MOUTHS

Silence when you're talking to me!

HE MOUTHS

I don't want to see you floating round school.

Who do you think you are, waltzing in at this time?

Don't come in here, start mouthing off.

HE MOUTHS

Come in here, start shouting the odds.

7, 9, 11, 43!

27!

Who do you think you are, swanning in at this time?

HE MOUTHS

Put your pens down and watch the blackboard while I go through it.

I used to like that one, me - keep talking. Keep talking.

Because the longer you talk, the longer you'll stay.

I don't care what time I go home.

Quarter to nine we kept him till - quarter to nine.

"I was supposed to be going for a meal with my wife."

"Oh, bollocks to you! You said stay.

"I'm happy, me. I'm here for the night.

"I'm taping Taggart. It don't bother me."

Tonight, singing live, it's...

it's Meatloaf!

ENGINE REVS

I'm telling you, Paddy,

you've got to have eyes in the back of your head.

ENGINE RUMBLES

INTRO ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

# The sirens are screaming

# And the fires are howling way down in the valley tonight

# There's a man in the shadows with a gun in his eye

# And a blade shining oh so bright...

HE MUMBLES

# ..and there's thunder in the sky

# And a killer on the bloodshot streets

# Down in the tunnel where the deadly are rising

# Oh, I swear I saw a young boy down in the gutter

# He was starting to foam in the heat! #

Can I talk to you about your Irish connections?

Cos they're very profound and strong...

Yeah, I've brought me mother and father along with me.

-They're up there now.

-Give us a wave.

-Give us a wave.

-Josie and Philip.

-Hello.

-There they are.

Wahey!

And Carol and Jono - they're there.

Woo!

They've driven over from Newport,

in case you want to go and rob 'em.

And they're over here now.

They won't be back till about quarter to one in the morning, so...

The front gates are bust,

so you can easily get in if you want to get in.

-So, your wife...

-You know what I thought then? I panicked.

I went like that and I thought the price were on me shoe.

I thought, "How embarrassing!"

"Dunnes."

What is the...? Your wife is obviously Irish.

Where do you come to Ireland?

-When you come here, where do you hang out...?

-We kind of go...

We go all over. We go down to Cork and up to Donegal and everywhere.

There's family up in Cavan, and...

HIGH-PITCHED WHOOPING

There's people in Cavan just on helium.

LAUGHTER

That's all they take in Cavan - helium.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Whey!

And... That's what you've got to do to get in.

HE INHALES

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: I live in Cavan!

And my mum's from Coalisland, so she's from Tyrone, so...

MEN CHEER

They're not on helium up there.

They're women, they're women from Coalisland, them.

HE CHEERS GRUFFLY

That's the HRT for you, that.

Does the Irish connection...?

What's all that? What's all that?

-Do you cross the sea when you get over here?

-Do I cross the sea?

I have to, otherwise I can't come!

Do I cross the sea when I come over here?

-I was just trying to get out of here.

-Do I cross the sea?

You've got to get past the Isle of Man -

you can't go round it, can you? Do you know what I mean?

To come on the boat. Yeah, I come over all the time.

It's lovely over here. No-one bothers you.

Everyone thinks I'm Tony Christie over here.

"Tony Christie!" "No."

"You are!" "I am not Tony Christie, love!"

Did you ever try and blind a teacher with your watch?

You'd all be concentrating...

If you all did it... "Blind the teacher.

"Do it now."

"I know who it is!"

-"No, you don't, can't see

-BLEEP

-all, you don't know who it is."

Try and burn a hole in the front of his pants. "Do it now."

"His balls are smouldering, his balls are smouldering! Do it now!"

Fire alarm. "Whey!"

I always wanted to be out, me, when the bell went, be first one out.

Used to start packing everything away

about two minutes before the bell,

put everything back in my pencil case really...really discreetly.

By my bag. There you go.

But I still pretend I've got a pen, an imaginary pen.

Cos they can't see cos someone's sat in front,

so you pretend you're writing.

Put your coat on really discreetly.

LAUGHTER

"Whey!"

"Back, back, back, everybody back. Back.

"That bell's for me.

"That bell's not for you - that bell's for me.

"That bell is a signal for me to tell me to tell you

"when you can go, do you hear me? Do you hear me?"

Power mad, they were.

Mr Bryce at our school. What an arsehole he were.

Saw him on that school reunion, he wanted winding.

Right weirdo!

Took us on a geography field trip to the graveyard to see his wife.

Oh!

..king mentalist.

He just sat there sobbing.

We were playing army round the headstones, us, like...

HE MIMICS SHOOTING

He didn't like me.

"Is that what you're going to be when you grow up, Kay, a comedian?"

"I'll tell you where you're going to end up, Kay - the thick table.

"Get your stuff. Get on the thick table."

We used to have a thick table in our class at school. A thick table.

When I say "thick table", I don't mean THICK table.

I mean... IMPEDED SPEECH: ..thick table.

You'd never get away with that today, PC and all that!

This is 20 years ago - none of this ADHD and dyslexia.

"Thick table! Get on the thick table!"

Jason Patel like that.

Snorkel Parka, sat in the bin arse first like that.

"Thick table, Jason, till you learn."

Teresa Crankfist... Jesus Christ...

With the space dust and snot bubble like that.

HE SNORTS AND SPLUTTERS

HE SNORTS AND SPLUTTERS

"Thick table, Teresa!"

"Paddy McGuinness, thick table!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Let the thick see the table."

LAUGHTER

That's true - I was sat with him.

KEYBOARD INTRO MUSIC PLAYS

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John.

# I can't find

# All the right romantic lines

# Those romantic lines

# You see me once

# Once

# You see the way I feel

-# You see the way I... #

-All right, shut your mouth.

Used to watch television in class,

and you'd wheel in this massive television on legs!

It were up there!

Two prefects used to wheel it in like the prize in a game show.

It were massive! We were like meerkats, watching it like that.

With the video in the lock box - that'll have been nicked.

Remote control on a wire.

Sister Matic stood on the chair with the aerial to try and get a picture.

"Can you see? Can you see now? Can you see?"

I were never a fan of PE at school, me.

I can see the astonishment in your eyes. But I were never a fan.

I don't... How did I get up here?

I were never a fan.

I don't believe you can be physically educated.

They used to make us walk on an upside-down gym bench.

Did you ever do that? Used to balance to walk along.

The weight's dropping off me now, Sister!

I used to pretend I forgot my kit. "I forgot me PE kit!"

"Get some out of that bin in the corner."

..kin' fencing mask and a netball skirt.

Forward roll.

"All change." "The ropes, get on the ropes, get on the ropes!

"Oh, they've been on the ropes twice now, Sister!"

"Still on this pissing bench."

-But it's lovely to play here. See how I pull that back?

-Thank you.

-It's lovely. See how I saved you, then?

-Yeah, thanks a million.

It's lovely. I've never done Ireland.

I did Kilkenny Comedy Festival. AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS

He's got a cough. But...

That's Kilkenny for you - it's full of TB.

Why haven't you been...? Why haven't you been...?

HE COUGHS

-A fur ball.

-Fur ball!

-STUMBLING:

-You generally finish some...that your...

-What?!

-Have you had a stroke?

-I have, actually.

You've given me one talking to you.

I'm a comedian - I'm supposed to comede.

No, you're comeding so well.

-I've got some jokes, I've got some jokes.

-Great!

To want them? Do you want to hear some testers?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

I ordered a pizza last night. I asked for thin and crusty supreme.

They sent me Diana Ross.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And, fella says to his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She says, "I don't like ringing you at work."

LAUGHTER

-That's all right?

-That's OK. That's good.

# Oh, baby, baby

# How was I supposed to know

# Something wasn't right?

# Show me how you want me to be... #

Hey, that wasn't in the hamper.

# Because I need to know because... #

Woman went to the doctors -

she had a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her knickers...

It's all right. You think that. But hang on. Hang on.

He said, "That looks nasty."

She said, "It's the tip of the iceberg."

Ah! Thank you!

Thank you!

You see the look of fear in Ryan's eyes then!

The look of fear!

I were on packed lunches, me.

Packed lunches were two Spam sandwiches

and a Munch Bunch yoghurt

in a Robin of Sherwood lunchbox.

A packet of Salt 'n' Shake. Highland toffee.

And a beaker, my mum used to give me a beaker with orange cordial

with some clingfilm over the lid so it wouldn't spill in my bag.

You don't want that all over your books. Did you ever back your books?

What were all that about, backing books?

"Mum, get me that woodchip wallpaper from the side of the wardrobe.

"Got to back my books here.

"Anaglypta, Razzle.

"Back my books here. Keep it safe."

Get a life.

I used to love it when I were in the dining hall at school

and someone would fall with their dinner.

Just walking back to their seat, you'd get some girl walking...

And everyone would go, "Whey!"

When they were sick, they used to put sawdust down!

What were all that about, sawdust?!

"There's nothing to see. On your way."

"Course there's something to see - she's thrown up sawdust here.

"She's thrown up sawdust."

"Some carpenter's daughter!

"Look at that - shavings! Blergh! Shavings!"

Should be on Embarrassing Bodies - she's a freak.

They were doing that at the school reunion about half past ten.

Everyone were drunk, Sister Are-Doing-It were going round

with the bucket of sawdust, throwing it down.

I'd had a few Baileys, I were up on the karaoke.

Teresa Crankfist giving it bump and grind.

Teresa off her tits, pole dancing with the crucifix.

Sister Sledge - "I'll kill her! I'll fecking kill her!

"Where's me shatterproof ruler?"

-How long have we got?

-Go for it. Go. Danny Boy. Come on.

No, no, let's sing something else. Let's sing...

# I have fallen for another

# She can make her own way home... #

MUSIC STARTS

-It's too high that, it's too high! Go a key lower.

-Lower key!

-Key lower. Key lower.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

LOWER: # I have fallen for another, she can make her own way home... #

Go.

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

Get Carol up. She'll know it. Come on, Carol! You'll know it.

WHOOPING AND WHISTLING

Come on, Carol. Come on!

Come on! Come on. Come on...

Come on!

Come on, Carol knows it.

-OK, go to the chorus.

-Go on.

# I used to love her...

# I used to love her once

# A long, long time ago

# I used to love her, I used to love her once

# It's gone

# All my lovin' is gone

# Oh, oh, it's gone

# All my lovin' is gone...

INDISTINCT What...?

Oh, she's...

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

# She was on a 48-hour pass, just water and black tea

# I walked right up and made an ostentatious contribution... #

Go on.

# And I winked at her to tell her

# I'd seduce her in the future

-# When she's feelin' looser... #

-Whoa, get off!

# I used to love her, I used to love her once

# A long, long time ago

# I used to love her, I used to love her once

# Long, long time ago

# It's gone

# All my lovin' is gone

# Oh, oh, it's gone

# All my lovin' is gone... #

Go to t'ending.

# It's gone, gone, gone, gone

# All my lovin' is

# Gone, gone, gone, gone

# All my lovin' is...

# Gone, gone, gone!

# All my lovin' is...

# Gone, gone, gone, gone

# I have fallen for another

# She can make her own way ho-o-o-ome. #

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Peter Kay!