Episode 3 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

Peter Kay is one of Bolton's funniest comedians

and not an athlete.

But he's about to embark on a challenge that will not only

change his life, but dozens of lives forever.

Well, I've seen what David Walliams has done, swimming the Channel

and the River Thames, what Eddie Izzard's done, and John Bishop.

It's been amazing. And I thought - what can I do? What do I do best?

And the answer is, sit on me arse.

This is the story of his extraordinary journey.

-CHRIS EVANS:

-And so it begins, it's Monday morning and for Peter Kay,

the next five days are going to be literally hell on earth.

He's live in Belfast at the starting line of a monumental

Sit Down Challenge for Comic Relief. Can you hear me, Peter?

Loud and clear, Christopher!

Are you ready to travel from Belfast to London, by couch?

Not by coach, by the way, by couch!

-As ready as I'll ever be.

-All right, let's count him down.

Everybody together, shout at your radios now!

Five, four, three, two, one!

-Yes!

-KLAXON SOUNDS

Away we go!

Oh, oh! Hang on a minute!

Bloody hellfire! Jesus Christ!

We've had a bit of a cock-up here. We're starting again now.

Peter makes his way towards the Irish coast,

where he's greeted by some surprise Olympic support.

Hello!

They have the formidable task of transporting Peter

and his couch across the Irish Sea.

-Heave!

-Ho!

-That's it! Heave!

-Ho!

-Keep going! Heave!

-Ho!

-Heave!

-Ho!

Heave! That's it! Come on!

Unfortunately, Peter fails to find his sea legs

and soon regrets eating a full Irish breakfast before setting sail.

HE RETCHES

Working in those clubs at that time, when you look back on those days,

from the position where you are now, do you look back with fondness?

-Did you enjoy them?

-Oh, yeah. It's... I think it's...

I did Eccles Masonic Hall once with a Cher...

A guy said to me, "How do you want your lights?"

And I went, "What are my options?" He went, "On or off."

He had a light switch on the wall.

I were on with a Cher lookalike who did Shania Twain songs.

And another gig with her... This other one who were a Cher lookalike.

She were called Cher and Cher Alike.

That were her stage name.

And I did a Shania Twain one, she were called Shania Twin.

-And she was supporting Pete Loaf. Not Meatloaf.

-Pete Loaf.

Pete Loaf.

-Get it?

-A carpet fitter with a grudge.

He had a Harley Davidson on stage.

And he did Bat Out Of Hell. And he...

Pete Loaf!

I did a gig last year - I've got to tell you this, this were funny -

at Blackpool Opera House, and for some reason,

there were all magicians on in the second half.

And I didn't know. I knew they were, but what happened,

I came out at the beginning of the night and I said, "Hello!" The curtains were shut.

And they're big curtains at Blackpool Opera House, I put them on my shoulder.

I said, "These should be open," and I pulled them open like that.

And I said, "I like that set up back there, it looks lovely,"

and everyone laughed and thought it were all part of the show.

And then I did my bit and everything and in the second half, I came on and they were shut again.

And I went, "They're shut again!" So I put them over my shoulder and pulled them up

and there was a magician trying to put a woman in a box.

Swear to God.

The funniest thing - he's like that, "Get in!

"Get in!"

Preparation for Peter's Comic Relief Sit Down Challenge hasn't been easy.

BLOWS WHISTLE

For the last week, he's embarked on a punishing daily regime,

readying himself for the toughest journey of his life.

He's enlisted the help of ex-SAS fitness specialist

-Sergeant Mike Collins...

-What are you doing?!

..an expert in endurance training.

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-It will be very tough.

I don't think I've worked with anybody so determined.

I'm on a couch!

I was always athletic at school, yeah.

You know, sack race, egg and spoon.

So, you know, it was always on the cards, really.

You can't fight destiny.

Come on! We have to get you fit!

Fitter.

Just the main concern is things like couch sores or pins and needles.

Or that silent killer that is trapped wind.

In an effort to test the elements for the typical British weather,

Mike increases the pressure on Peter's specialised booty camp.

Quicker!

Wind! I said wind!

Move your fat arse!

I feel this is going to be the challenge of a lifetime.

I'll either come back a hero or a failure.

But there's no going back.

Peter's arduous training has paid off, as he makes his way

down through southern Scotland on his mammoth Sit Down Challenge.

Not long now.

'People don't realise, it's tough. It gets to you.

'Mentally, it's hard. Psychologically.'

WINDS BLOW 'What I hope is I don't get halfway through and give up.'

You know, I want to keep going. I'm a sitter, I'm not a quitter.

Another 20 miles, I'll let you have a brew.

Careful. Careful.

Watch that bit of dog shit there.

That's it. That's it. Keep it back. Keep it back, lads.

And lady.

We've lost one.

What are you doing?! Come on! Get a wriggle on, Albert!

-Where are you off to now?

-Cash and carry. I'm going

-to get some more of this... Where are you

-BLEEP

-going here?!

-Did I disappear then?

-Going, "Whey, I'm off!"

Action!

Here we go, Jerry. Come on, man.

Come on!

-Come on!

-Urgh!

-Come on!

-Coming.

-Whoosh!

-I'm coming.

I'm not coming.

Shops are bad, when you go in shops. I don't like it when they start...

You know when they think you've got forged money?

And they make you feel... And there's a queue behind you. They start looking at you like...

They start holding it up to the light, see if Queen's got a 'tache.

But it under that ultraviolet machine. You know.

I went into one shop, I gave her a £20 note, she looked at me like

I'd come into her house on Christmas Day and pissed on her kids!

I said, "Hey! It's a £20 note, love! I'm not from Mars!"

When she gave me my change, I bit it. Like that.

"Just checking, love, it's not chocolate, you know what I mean?

"Two can play at that game, flower."

People apologise for change as well. "Can I give you all this change, love?

"Can I get rid of all this shrapnel? Can I get rid of all this shit on you, love? Can I shit on you, love?

"Can I get rid of all this?" "Oh, no. We're glad of it, aren't we, Barbara? We're glad of it.

"We need it. Oh, you've come at the right time. We're glad of it."

I went to the chippy on a Friday night, right, chippy tea,

like you do.

It's the law. I went in. I gave her a £20 note, this woman.

As she's putting it in to the till,

she turns to the other woman who's serving behind the counter, right...

Oh, hear me out.

They do this in Greggs.

As she's putting it in, she says to the woman, "£20 going in, Marion!

"20 going in, love."

I said, "Hey, mouth!"

"There's two drug dealers eyeing me up for my change here!"

"He's got £17 change, that lad."

I'll be lying on the front street in a minute, covered in peas, winded.

MUSIC: One Day Like This by Elbow

And support for Peter's Sit Down Challenge grows by the hour,

as he makes his way across Britain.

I can't believe what he's doing. It's astonishing.

You just wouldn't think he'd have it in him.

Support's nice, isn't it? Look at some of these I've had.

"You can straddle my sofa any time. Bernard." Great.

What's all that about?

How he can sit like that for so long, it beggars belief.

I thought the Olympians were impressive until I saw this.

How are you? That's it.

Put some in there. Oh, I'm shattered, love.

Watch yourself. You'll go under my wheels, flower.

Yeah, see you.

Loud, them, aren't they? Trying to read, here.

Tired after a hard day's waving, Peter - and his hand -

are ready for a well-earned rest.

Had enough, now.

-Where are we staying?

-Savoy.

-Savoy?

Is this it?! We're stopping here?

-Hello?

-Hello.

-Comic Relief. Peter Kay.

-Hiya.

Nice to meet you, Mr Kay. Oh, you're just in time.

-# ALL:

-Were my baby's at

# Is this the way to Amarillo?

# Every night I've been hugging my pillow

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo

# Where sweet Maria waits for me... #

Bloody hell. What chance of a bath?

"Caution - hot water."

When? Get Lenny Henry on the phone!

He'll get us somewhere decent.

Action.

Jesus Christ!

LAUGHTER

Come on, you frigging...

Hey, they don't do peas down south.

I went down south, doing some shows, I went into a chippy, I said,

"Chips and peas, please." SOUTHERN ACCENT: "We don't do peas."

"You what?" "We don't do peas."

OVER ENUNCIATING: "They don't do peas. They don't..."

That's my friend, he's outside, through the window.

You've got to talk like that, through glass.

"They don't do peas."

"Curry sauce? Curry sauce?"

"Do you do curry sauce?" "We don't do curry sauce, mate." "What?"

"We don't do curry sauce." "They don't do curry sauce."

"Curry sauce, no go. No go."

"Gravy? Gravy?"

"We don't do gravy." "They don't do gravy."

My friend comes in. He says, "Hey, has tha' nowt moist?"

"Has tha' nowt moist?"

"Forget it, we're going."

£20 going in...

With a punishing schedule ahead of him,

Peter is only allowed eight hours' sleep before he's back.

# On the road again... #

Keep it straight, I'm trying to watch it. No, no, up.

Just bend back a bit.

Keep your back straight, man!

Where's the remote control?

Where's my remote control gone?! Pull over!

Pull over! Get in while I get my remote control. Pull over!

Tired and frustrated,

Peter makes a desperate call to Comic Relief guru

Sir Richard Curtis.

"Good idea," you said.

I could've been indoors now, singing Agadoo with Adele.

Middle of nowhere. You promised me celebrities.

There's no bugger turned up!

What? There's a minibus here, now.

What are you talking about?

-Hey, we're here!

-Ahhh!

Hallelujah!

-I'm so proud of you, man.

-Yeah!

Ray Quinn!

All right? How are you?

-Hello, Spit.

-Great to see you.

Yazz! Bloody hell! It's Yazz!

Thanks to Sir Richard Curtis and his celebrity connections...

-Who are you?

-..Peter is now joined by the creme de la creme

of the showbiz world to drag him to the finish line.

MUSIC: Fix you by Coldplay

It's the response it's got, and everybody turning up like this.

It's been absolutely fantastic.

Look at that, "So-fa so good."

CHEERING

It's a puppet!

And the great British public are out in force to show their support.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at that. Look at that...

glaucoma.

-ALL:

-Peter! Peter! Peter!

He's just inspired me to sit at home and watch television.

And there's messages of support from celebrity sitters.

Keep on sitting, Peter. You know you can do it.

-Good luck, mate.

-Good luck.

-Yeah, keep going. Keep going.

TORTOISE GRUNTS

The whole country is behind you.

We're nearly there.

After an exhilarating day,

a weary Peter finally makes his way to a much-needed rest for the night.

Thank you. Mwah!

Yeah! CHEERING

And after sitting on the couch all day,

Peter now prefers to sleep standing up.

Night.

Started off, I left school

and got a job at Franny Lee's packing toilet rolls.

In the factory, not in his house.

Not unpacking his shopping.

Then I worked there for six months, and I left at Christmas

cos they went to continental shifts,

and I wouldn't wear a sombrero, so...

What about the...? You worked in a cash and carry, didn't you?

I worked in a cash and carry. I went working there after...

We had a manager there called Brian Bytheway, that were his name.

Brian Bytheway. That's a great name, that. You see...

You couldn't write that, Brian Bytheway.

And he were the kind of manager...

"If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean."

Do you know what I mean? Or, er...

Oh, he's obsessed with stacking shelves.

You'd put something on shelves, he'd go, "Oh, whoa, whoa! Put that there.

"Eye level is buy level.

"If they can't see it, they can't buy it."

There was a robbery there, at the cash and carry.

It was a Thursday night, proper armed raid - it's true, this -

and I was working, it was a Thursday night,

and I was pricing up tuna fish with Kevin Broughton.

And it come on Tannoy, cash office, Miriam...

"Mr Bytheway!"

Just the end of the Tannoy, you know? "Mr Bytheway!"

I thought, "Something's going down here, Kev."

And we run round into t'pop aisle, and there were at the front...

-"Pop aisle."

-Pop aisle...

And they were at the front with these sawn-off shotguns. You know?

But if you're ever in anything like that, it's delayed shock.

Cos at the time, your brain...

It's like it's not happening, you know what I mean?

When I got home I was sobbing to the middle of Tomorrow's World.

But at the time, they turned...

and I swear to god, they went like that, they turned, they went...

"You two! Get down!"

And I said, "What, you mean dance?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Slate 552, take one.

Try not to click it that hard.

People are... Old people with weather.

"Oh, it's too warm for me.

"Oh, it's warm.

"I like it warm, but I don't like it this warm.

"It's too warm. You know, there's warm and there's warm."

"Oh, I'm sweating cobs." What? Cob and a cobs!

"I'm wringing, I'm wet through. Look at me."

"Oh, it's sticky weather. It's sticky. Clammy.

"I can't get my breath!" Good! It's called summer.

Have a Solero and shut the ... up, will you?

LAUGHTER

-But the following morning, there's trouble.

-Look at that.

In the few short hours they've rested, the couch has been clamped.

-Peter, they've clamped the bloody sofa.

-What? What?

-Sofa's been clamped.

-You're joking. Get the toiletries.

-What the bloody hell is going on here, hey?

-Parasites.

Get this off here. Get it off. Do know what we're trying to do here?

Albert, get the money out the bucket. Give him the bucket.

-How do you sleep at night? That's 70 less malaria nets now.

-BLEEP

-head.

Behind schedule and already exhausted,

Peter is finding the strain of constant resting difficult.

Have you got a signal, Peter?

And slowly but surely, his body begins to shut down.

-Have you seen his face? He's not happy.

-What?

It's just getting to me.

I have massively underestimated this.

Have you?

Things quickly go from bad to worse

when Peter's lips have an adverse reaction to being outdoors.

It's too much, this. Look at this. Look at my lips.

Have you got anything for my lips?

Argh! I've got a spasm in my neck.

Argh! Argh!

-Can we pull in, guys? Pull in.

-Argh! Argh!

Sergeant Mike Collins is forced to administer some emergency physio.

What are you clapping for? What are you doing? Oh, that's it, that's it.

Fortunately, Peter's wife, Mrs Kay,

has turned up to offer some much-needed support.

Oh, hiya, love. Are you all right?

Oh, I know, tell me about it.

I can't, I can't do it any more. It's too much.

-My lips are killing me. I'm

-BLEEP

-knackered.

I'm not hungry, though. I can't eat it.

MUSIC PLAYS

The testing of Peter's determination has been incredible

but thanks to his wife's timely support, he's now spiritually

and mentally refuelled and with a full tank of love,

he pushes himself forward towards his finish line and victory.

MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My auntie Sandra. Is she in?

My auntie Sandra was a dinner lady. One of them pink women.

The pink ladies you used to get at school. Dinner ladies.

You know the one on the dinner break?

Pink women, pink overall, pink tabard. What's that word?

Tabards and pink legs and pink heads, pink hair. Proper pink.

Used to go around the playground, stop you having any fun. Walk round.

"Stop that, cut it out, you. Don't do that. Put that down."

Three of them, there were and my auntie Sandra...

Not my proper auntie.

And there were Janice and Barbara and they'd go around.

"Stop that!" Stop you playing army. Army.

"Stop that, you'll hurt somebody."

I've got a stick for a gun. Who am I hurting with a stick?

Da-ra! Oh, they're all in pain now, aren't they, love, hey?

Da-ra, da-ra!

Lads had three noises for guns. Da-ra! Dff-dff-dff-dff!

Dff-dff-dff-dff! Dff-dff-dff-dff! Dff-dff-dff-dff!

And the worst was the shittest one, which were mine.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Laughing, isn't it? Laughing, laughing.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

IMMITATES GRENADE

Girls. "Look how immature."

"Queenio, Queenio, who's got the ballio?

"I haven't got it.

"It's not in my pocket."

Yeah, them mature girls.

"Stop that." They used to come round if it rained as well.

If you were playing out, they'd go mad.

They'd have these daft fits, they couldn't believe it.

They'd be like that. They'd get all hysterical.

They'd be stood about 100 yards apart and they could feel it coming.

Rain. They could feel it coming.

They'd be like eyeing each other up and down.

They'll be looking like that and they could sense it like that.

Smell it, they could smell the rain.

LAUGHTER

One big splodge like that.

"It's spitting! It's spitting, it's spitting!

"Everybody in, everybody inside. It's spitting!

"Janice, Barbara, get the kids, get inside, it's spitting!

"Get inside. Off the playground, children!

"Get inside, save yourselves. It's spitting!"

Like beginning of Saving Private Ryan.

"Get inside!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"It's not funny."

"I'm not laughing, I'm shooting people."

LAUGHTER

Action.

Come on, Jerry. Come on, Jerry. That's it.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I'll tell you this one. I went to t'pie shop...

I went to t'pie shop. I give her a £10 note, right?

As she gives me her change, she went, "There you go, love.

"Seven, your eights, your ones, your twos, your ones, your fives, ten, 50 and ten's your change."

I said, "Hey, what's that you're saying to me? What's that?"

Counts change out into my hand.

"Seven, your eights, your ones, your twos, your ones, your fives, ten, 50 and ten's your change, love.

"Much obliged to you. Come again."

That's just mathematical bollocks. What's that you're saying to me?

LAUGHTER

Do you want piccalilli?

I'd rather lick my own arsehole, love, if you don't mind.

Piccalilli? What's that? What's piccalilli?

Don't eat anything that's luminous.

You'll be drinking mild next. Scientists don't know.

I bought a steak-and-kidney pie. She went, "There you go, love.

"Watch my juices." I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.

"I want a pie, not your life story. What's the matter with you?"

Action.

Come on, Jerry, that's it, go on.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, it's time to welcome Peter Kay into the studio.

This is the moment...

Yes.

He's been sitting down all week for Comic Relief

but now it's finally time for him to stand up. Get ready, everyone.

Let's count him down to the end of his gruelling challenge.

-AUDIENCE:

-Five, four, three, two, one, zero. Come on.

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC PLAYS

Help him down. It's going to be emotional.

I've got you, I've got you! Come on.

Rusty, you've got to help. Rusty, help me!

He's here. He's all right. Everybody, he's all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, give him a round of applause.

-Such a big effort. Such a massive effort.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

That's amazing.

Once again, for a true national hero,

please respectfully remain seated for the hero of the hour,

Peter - surely soon to be Sir Peter - Kay.

Come on!

MUSIC PLAYS

# I sing myself to sleep

# A song from the darkest hour

# Secrets I can't keep

# In sight of the day

# Swing from high to deep

# Extremes of sweet and sour

# Hope that God exists

# I hope, I pray

# Drawn by the undertow

# My life is out of control

# I believe this wave will bear my weight

# So let it flow

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Sit down next to me

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

# In sympathy

# Now I'm relieved to hear

# That you've been to some far-out places

# It's hard to carry on

# When you feel all alone

# Now I've swung back down again

# It's worse than it was before

# If I hadn't seen such riches

# I could live with being poor

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Sit down next to me

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

# In sympathy

# Those who feel the breath of sadness

# Sit down next to me

# Those who find they're touched by madness

# Sit down next to me

# Those who find themselves ridiculous

# Sit down next to me

# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears

# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears

# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears

# I love, in fear, in hate

# Down

# Down

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Sit down next to me

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

# In sympathy

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Oh, sit down

# Sit down next to me

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

# In sympathy

# Down. #