Episode 3 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle


Episode 3

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Transcript


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Peter Kay is one of Bolton's funniest comedians

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and not an athlete.

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But he's about to embark on a challenge that will not only

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change his life, but dozens of lives forever.

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Well, I've seen what David Walliams has done, swimming the Channel

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and the River Thames, what Eddie Izzard's done, and John Bishop.

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It's been amazing. And I thought - what can I do? What do I do best?

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And the answer is, sit on me arse.

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This is the story of his extraordinary journey.

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-CHRIS EVANS:

-And so it begins, it's Monday morning and for Peter Kay,

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the next five days are going to be literally hell on earth.

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He's live in Belfast at the starting line of a monumental

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Sit Down Challenge for Comic Relief. Can you hear me, Peter?

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Loud and clear, Christopher!

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Are you ready to travel from Belfast to London, by couch?

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Not by coach, by the way, by couch!

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-As ready as I'll ever be.

-All right, let's count him down.

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Everybody together, shout at your radios now!

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Five, four, three, two, one!

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-Yes!

-KLAXON SOUNDS

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Away we go!

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Oh, oh! Hang on a minute!

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Bloody hellfire! Jesus Christ!

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We've had a bit of a cock-up here. We're starting again now.

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Peter makes his way towards the Irish coast,

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where he's greeted by some surprise Olympic support.

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Hello!

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They have the formidable task of transporting Peter

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and his couch across the Irish Sea.

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-Heave!

-Ho!

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-That's it! Heave!

-Ho!

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-Keep going! Heave!

-Ho!

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-Heave!

-Ho!

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Heave! That's it! Come on!

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Unfortunately, Peter fails to find his sea legs

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and soon regrets eating a full Irish breakfast before setting sail.

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HE RETCHES

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Working in those clubs at that time, when you look back on those days,

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from the position where you are now, do you look back with fondness?

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-Did you enjoy them?

-Oh, yeah. It's... I think it's...

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I did Eccles Masonic Hall once with a Cher...

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A guy said to me, "How do you want your lights?"

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And I went, "What are my options?" He went, "On or off."

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He had a light switch on the wall.

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I were on with a Cher lookalike who did Shania Twain songs.

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And another gig with her... This other one who were a Cher lookalike.

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She were called Cher and Cher Alike.

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That were her stage name.

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And I did a Shania Twain one, she were called Shania Twin.

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-And she was supporting Pete Loaf. Not Meatloaf.

-Pete Loaf.

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Pete Loaf.

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-Get it?

-A carpet fitter with a grudge.

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He had a Harley Davidson on stage.

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And he did Bat Out Of Hell. And he...

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Pete Loaf!

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I did a gig last year - I've got to tell you this, this were funny -

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at Blackpool Opera House, and for some reason,

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there were all magicians on in the second half.

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And I didn't know. I knew they were, but what happened,

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I came out at the beginning of the night and I said, "Hello!" The curtains were shut.

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And they're big curtains at Blackpool Opera House, I put them on my shoulder.

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I said, "These should be open," and I pulled them open like that.

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And I said, "I like that set up back there, it looks lovely,"

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and everyone laughed and thought it were all part of the show.

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And then I did my bit and everything and in the second half, I came on and they were shut again.

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And I went, "They're shut again!" So I put them over my shoulder and pulled them up

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and there was a magician trying to put a woman in a box.

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Swear to God.

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The funniest thing - he's like that, "Get in!

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"Get in!"

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Preparation for Peter's Comic Relief Sit Down Challenge hasn't been easy.

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BLOWS WHISTLE

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For the last week, he's embarked on a punishing daily regime,

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readying himself for the toughest journey of his life.

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He's enlisted the help of ex-SAS fitness specialist

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-Sergeant Mike Collins...

-What are you doing?!

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..an expert in endurance training.

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-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-It will be very tough.

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I don't think I've worked with anybody so determined.

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I'm on a couch!

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I was always athletic at school, yeah.

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You know, sack race, egg and spoon.

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So, you know, it was always on the cards, really.

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You can't fight destiny.

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Come on! We have to get you fit!

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Fitter.

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Just the main concern is things like couch sores or pins and needles.

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Or that silent killer that is trapped wind.

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In an effort to test the elements for the typical British weather,

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Mike increases the pressure on Peter's specialised booty camp.

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Quicker!

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Wind! I said wind!

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Move your fat arse!

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I feel this is going to be the challenge of a lifetime.

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I'll either come back a hero or a failure.

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But there's no going back.

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Peter's arduous training has paid off, as he makes his way

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down through southern Scotland on his mammoth Sit Down Challenge.

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Not long now.

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'People don't realise, it's tough. It gets to you.

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'Mentally, it's hard. Psychologically.'

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WINDS BLOW 'What I hope is I don't get halfway through and give up.'

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You know, I want to keep going. I'm a sitter, I'm not a quitter.

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Another 20 miles, I'll let you have a brew.

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Careful. Careful.

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Watch that bit of dog shit there.

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That's it. That's it. Keep it back. Keep it back, lads.

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And lady.

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We've lost one.

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What are you doing?! Come on! Get a wriggle on, Albert!

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-Where are you off to now?

-Cash and carry. I'm going

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-to get some more of this... Where are you

-BLEEP

-going here?!

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-Did I disappear then?

-Going, "Whey, I'm off!"

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Action!

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Here we go, Jerry. Come on, man.

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Come on!

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-Come on!

-Urgh!

-Come on!

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-Coming.

-Whoosh!

-I'm coming.

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I'm not coming.

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Shops are bad, when you go in shops. I don't like it when they start...

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You know when they think you've got forged money?

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And they make you feel... And there's a queue behind you. They start looking at you like...

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They start holding it up to the light, see if Queen's got a 'tache.

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But it under that ultraviolet machine. You know.

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I went into one shop, I gave her a £20 note, she looked at me like

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I'd come into her house on Christmas Day and pissed on her kids!

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I said, "Hey! It's a £20 note, love! I'm not from Mars!"

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When she gave me my change, I bit it. Like that.

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"Just checking, love, it's not chocolate, you know what I mean?

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"Two can play at that game, flower."

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People apologise for change as well. "Can I give you all this change, love?

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"Can I get rid of all this shrapnel? Can I get rid of all this shit on you, love? Can I shit on you, love?

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"Can I get rid of all this?" "Oh, no. We're glad of it, aren't we, Barbara? We're glad of it.

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"We need it. Oh, you've come at the right time. We're glad of it."

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I went to the chippy on a Friday night, right, chippy tea,

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like you do.

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It's the law. I went in. I gave her a £20 note, this woman.

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As she's putting it in to the till,

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she turns to the other woman who's serving behind the counter, right...

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Oh, hear me out.

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They do this in Greggs.

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As she's putting it in, she says to the woman, "£20 going in, Marion!

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"20 going in, love."

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I said, "Hey, mouth!"

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"There's two drug dealers eyeing me up for my change here!"

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"He's got £17 change, that lad."

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I'll be lying on the front street in a minute, covered in peas, winded.

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MUSIC: One Day Like This by Elbow

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And support for Peter's Sit Down Challenge grows by the hour,

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as he makes his way across Britain.

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I can't believe what he's doing. It's astonishing.

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You just wouldn't think he'd have it in him.

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Support's nice, isn't it? Look at some of these I've had.

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"You can straddle my sofa any time. Bernard." Great.

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What's all that about?

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How he can sit like that for so long, it beggars belief.

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I thought the Olympians were impressive until I saw this.

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How are you? That's it.

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Put some in there. Oh, I'm shattered, love.

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Watch yourself. You'll go under my wheels, flower.

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Yeah, see you.

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Loud, them, aren't they? Trying to read, here.

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Tired after a hard day's waving, Peter - and his hand -

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are ready for a well-earned rest.

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Had enough, now.

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-Where are we staying?

-Savoy.

-Savoy?

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Is this it?! We're stopping here?

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-Hello?

-Hello.

-Comic Relief. Peter Kay.

-Hiya.

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Nice to meet you, Mr Kay. Oh, you're just in time.

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-# ALL:

-Were my baby's at

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# Is this the way to Amarillo?

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# Every night I've been hugging my pillow

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# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo

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# Where sweet Maria waits for me... #

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Bloody hell. What chance of a bath?

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"Caution - hot water."

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When? Get Lenny Henry on the phone!

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He'll get us somewhere decent.

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Action.

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Jesus Christ!

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LAUGHTER

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Come on, you frigging...

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Hey, they don't do peas down south.

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I went down south, doing some shows, I went into a chippy, I said,

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"Chips and peas, please." SOUTHERN ACCENT: "We don't do peas."

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"You what?" "We don't do peas."

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OVER ENUNCIATING: "They don't do peas. They don't..."

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That's my friend, he's outside, through the window.

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You've got to talk like that, through glass.

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"They don't do peas."

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"Curry sauce? Curry sauce?"

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"Do you do curry sauce?" "We don't do curry sauce, mate." "What?"

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"We don't do curry sauce." "They don't do curry sauce."

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"Curry sauce, no go. No go."

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"Gravy? Gravy?"

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"We don't do gravy." "They don't do gravy."

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My friend comes in. He says, "Hey, has tha' nowt moist?"

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"Has tha' nowt moist?"

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"Forget it, we're going."

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£20 going in...

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With a punishing schedule ahead of him,

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Peter is only allowed eight hours' sleep before he's back.

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# On the road again... #

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Keep it straight, I'm trying to watch it. No, no, up.

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Just bend back a bit.

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Keep your back straight, man!

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Where's the remote control?

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Where's my remote control gone?! Pull over!

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Pull over! Get in while I get my remote control. Pull over!

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Tired and frustrated,

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Peter makes a desperate call to Comic Relief guru

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Sir Richard Curtis.

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"Good idea," you said.

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I could've been indoors now, singing Agadoo with Adele.

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Middle of nowhere. You promised me celebrities.

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There's no bugger turned up!

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What? There's a minibus here, now.

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What are you talking about?

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-Hey, we're here!

-Ahhh!

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Hallelujah!

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-I'm so proud of you, man.

-Yeah!

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Ray Quinn!

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All right? How are you?

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-Hello, Spit.

-Great to see you.

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Yazz! Bloody hell! It's Yazz!

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Thanks to Sir Richard Curtis and his celebrity connections...

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-Who are you?

-..Peter is now joined by the creme de la creme

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of the showbiz world to drag him to the finish line.

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MUSIC: Fix you by Coldplay

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It's the response it's got, and everybody turning up like this.

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It's been absolutely fantastic.

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Look at that, "So-fa so good."

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CHEERING

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It's a puppet!

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And the great British public are out in force to show their support.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Look at that. Look at that...

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glaucoma.

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-ALL:

-Peter! Peter! Peter!

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He's just inspired me to sit at home and watch television.

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And there's messages of support from celebrity sitters.

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Keep on sitting, Peter. You know you can do it.

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-Good luck, mate.

-Good luck.

-Yeah, keep going. Keep going.

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TORTOISE GRUNTS

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The whole country is behind you.

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We're nearly there.

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After an exhilarating day,

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a weary Peter finally makes his way to a much-needed rest for the night.

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Thank you. Mwah!

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Yeah! CHEERING

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And after sitting on the couch all day,

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Peter now prefers to sleep standing up.

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Night.

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Started off, I left school

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and got a job at Franny Lee's packing toilet rolls.

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In the factory, not in his house.

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Not unpacking his shopping.

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Then I worked there for six months, and I left at Christmas

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cos they went to continental shifts,

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and I wouldn't wear a sombrero, so...

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What about the...? You worked in a cash and carry, didn't you?

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I worked in a cash and carry. I went working there after...

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We had a manager there called Brian Bytheway, that were his name.

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Brian Bytheway. That's a great name, that. You see...

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You couldn't write that, Brian Bytheway.

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And he were the kind of manager...

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"If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean."

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Do you know what I mean? Or, er...

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Oh, he's obsessed with stacking shelves.

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You'd put something on shelves, he'd go, "Oh, whoa, whoa! Put that there.

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"Eye level is buy level.

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"If they can't see it, they can't buy it."

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There was a robbery there, at the cash and carry.

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It was a Thursday night, proper armed raid - it's true, this -

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and I was working, it was a Thursday night,

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and I was pricing up tuna fish with Kevin Broughton.

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And it come on Tannoy, cash office, Miriam...

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"Mr Bytheway!"

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Just the end of the Tannoy, you know? "Mr Bytheway!"

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I thought, "Something's going down here, Kev."

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And we run round into t'pop aisle, and there were at the front...

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-"Pop aisle."

-Pop aisle...

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And they were at the front with these sawn-off shotguns. You know?

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But if you're ever in anything like that, it's delayed shock.

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Cos at the time, your brain...

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It's like it's not happening, you know what I mean?

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When I got home I was sobbing to the middle of Tomorrow's World.

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But at the time, they turned...

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and I swear to god, they went like that, they turned, they went...

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"You two! Get down!"

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And I said, "What, you mean dance?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Slate 552, take one.

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Try not to click it that hard.

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People are... Old people with weather.

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"Oh, it's too warm for me.

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"Oh, it's warm.

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"I like it warm, but I don't like it this warm.

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"It's too warm. You know, there's warm and there's warm."

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"Oh, I'm sweating cobs." What? Cob and a cobs!

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"I'm wringing, I'm wet through. Look at me."

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"Oh, it's sticky weather. It's sticky. Clammy.

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"I can't get my breath!" Good! It's called summer.

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Have a Solero and shut the ... up, will you?

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LAUGHTER

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-But the following morning, there's trouble.

-Look at that.

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In the few short hours they've rested, the couch has been clamped.

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-Peter, they've clamped the bloody sofa.

-What? What?

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-Sofa's been clamped.

-You're joking. Get the toiletries.

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-What the bloody hell is going on here, hey?

-Parasites.

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Get this off here. Get it off. Do know what we're trying to do here?

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Albert, get the money out the bucket. Give him the bucket.

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-How do you sleep at night? That's 70 less malaria nets now.

-BLEEP

-head.

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Behind schedule and already exhausted,

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Peter is finding the strain of constant resting difficult.

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Have you got a signal, Peter?

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And slowly but surely, his body begins to shut down.

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-Have you seen his face? He's not happy.

-What?

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It's just getting to me.

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I have massively underestimated this.

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Have you?

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Things quickly go from bad to worse

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when Peter's lips have an adverse reaction to being outdoors.

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It's too much, this. Look at this. Look at my lips.

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Have you got anything for my lips?

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Argh! I've got a spasm in my neck.

0:17:410:17:44

Argh! Argh!

0:17:440:17:46

-Can we pull in, guys? Pull in.

-Argh! Argh!

0:17:460:17:51

Sergeant Mike Collins is forced to administer some emergency physio.

0:17:510:17:55

What are you clapping for? What are you doing? Oh, that's it, that's it.

0:17:550:18:00

Fortunately, Peter's wife, Mrs Kay,

0:18:000:18:03

has turned up to offer some much-needed support.

0:18:030:18:05

Oh, hiya, love. Are you all right?

0:18:080:18:11

Oh, I know, tell me about it.

0:18:140:18:16

I can't, I can't do it any more. It's too much.

0:18:340:18:36

-My lips are killing me. I'm

-BLEEP

-knackered.

0:18:360:18:39

I'm not hungry, though. I can't eat it.

0:18:450:18:48

MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:520:18:57

The testing of Peter's determination has been incredible

0:18:590:19:03

but thanks to his wife's timely support, he's now spiritually

0:19:030:19:07

and mentally refuelled and with a full tank of love,

0:19:070:19:11

he pushes himself forward towards his finish line and victory.

0:19:110:19:16

MUSIC PLAYS

0:19:160:19:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:180:19:21

My auntie Sandra. Is she in?

0:19:230:19:25

My auntie Sandra was a dinner lady. One of them pink women.

0:19:250:19:29

The pink ladies you used to get at school. Dinner ladies.

0:19:290:19:31

You know the one on the dinner break?

0:19:310:19:34

Pink women, pink overall, pink tabard. What's that word?

0:19:340:19:37

Tabards and pink legs and pink heads, pink hair. Proper pink.

0:19:370:19:40

Used to go around the playground, stop you having any fun. Walk round.

0:19:400:19:43

"Stop that, cut it out, you. Don't do that. Put that down."

0:19:430:19:47

Three of them, there were and my auntie Sandra...

0:19:470:19:49

Not my proper auntie.

0:19:490:19:51

And there were Janice and Barbara and they'd go around.

0:19:510:19:55

"Stop that!" Stop you playing army. Army.

0:19:550:19:58

"Stop that, you'll hurt somebody."

0:19:580:20:01

I've got a stick for a gun. Who am I hurting with a stick?

0:20:010:20:05

Da-ra! Oh, they're all in pain now, aren't they, love, hey?

0:20:050:20:08

Da-ra, da-ra!

0:20:080:20:11

Lads had three noises for guns. Da-ra! Dff-dff-dff-dff!

0:20:110:20:14

Dff-dff-dff-dff! Dff-dff-dff-dff! Dff-dff-dff-dff!

0:20:140:20:17

And the worst was the shittest one, which were mine.

0:20:170:20:19

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:20:190:20:22

Laughing, isn't it? Laughing, laughing.

0:20:220:20:25

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:20:250:20:28

IMMITATES GRENADE

0:20:280:20:30

Girls. "Look how immature."

0:20:300:20:33

"Queenio, Queenio, who's got the ballio?

0:20:330:20:36

"I haven't got it.

0:20:360:20:39

"It's not in my pocket."

0:20:390:20:41

Yeah, them mature girls.

0:20:410:20:42

"Stop that." They used to come round if it rained as well.

0:20:440:20:46

If you were playing out, they'd go mad.

0:20:460:20:48

They'd have these daft fits, they couldn't believe it.

0:20:480:20:50

They'd be like that. They'd get all hysterical.

0:20:500:20:53

They'd be stood about 100 yards apart and they could feel it coming.

0:20:530:20:56

Rain. They could feel it coming.

0:20:560:20:59

They'd be like eyeing each other up and down.

0:20:590:21:00

They'll be looking like that and they could sense it like that.

0:21:000:21:04

Smell it, they could smell the rain.

0:21:040:21:07

LAUGHTER

0:21:070:21:11

One big splodge like that.

0:21:110:21:13

"It's spitting! It's spitting, it's spitting!

0:21:130:21:15

"Everybody in, everybody inside. It's spitting!

0:21:150:21:20

"Janice, Barbara, get the kids, get inside, it's spitting!

0:21:200:21:23

"Get inside. Off the playground, children!

0:21:230:21:26

"Get inside, save yourselves. It's spitting!"

0:21:260:21:31

Like beginning of Saving Private Ryan.

0:21:310:21:33

"Get inside!"

0:21:330:21:34

"Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

0:21:340:21:36

"It's not funny."

0:21:360:21:37

"I'm not laughing, I'm shooting people."

0:21:370:21:39

LAUGHTER

0:21:390:21:40

Action.

0:21:400:21:42

Come on, Jerry. Come on, Jerry. That's it.

0:21:420:21:47

LAUGHTER

0:21:470:21:48

Oh, I'll tell you this one. I went to t'pie shop...

0:21:500:21:53

I went to t'pie shop. I give her a £10 note, right?

0:21:560:22:00

As she gives me her change, she went, "There you go, love.

0:22:000:22:02

"Seven, your eights, your ones, your twos, your ones, your fives, ten, 50 and ten's your change."

0:22:020:22:06

I said, "Hey, what's that you're saying to me? What's that?"

0:22:060:22:09

Counts change out into my hand.

0:22:090:22:10

"Seven, your eights, your ones, your twos, your ones, your fives, ten, 50 and ten's your change, love.

0:22:100:22:14

"Much obliged to you. Come again."

0:22:140:22:16

That's just mathematical bollocks. What's that you're saying to me?

0:22:160:22:19

LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:21

Do you want piccalilli?

0:22:210:22:22

I'd rather lick my own arsehole, love, if you don't mind.

0:22:220:22:24

Piccalilli? What's that? What's piccalilli?

0:22:240:22:27

Don't eat anything that's luminous.

0:22:270:22:30

You'll be drinking mild next. Scientists don't know.

0:22:310:22:34

I bought a steak-and-kidney pie. She went, "There you go, love.

0:22:340:22:37

"Watch my juices." I said, "Hey, hey, hey, hey.

0:22:370:22:41

"I want a pie, not your life story. What's the matter with you?"

0:22:410:22:45

Action.

0:22:450:22:46

Come on, Jerry, that's it, go on.

0:22:460:22:48

LAUGHTER

0:22:500:22:53

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:22:540:22:57

Yes, it's time to welcome Peter Kay into the studio.

0:22:570:23:02

This is the moment...

0:23:020:23:05

Yes.

0:23:050:23:06

He's been sitting down all week for Comic Relief

0:23:060:23:10

but now it's finally time for him to stand up. Get ready, everyone.

0:23:100:23:13

Let's count him down to the end of his gruelling challenge.

0:23:130:23:17

-AUDIENCE:

-Five, four, three, two, one, zero. Come on.

0:23:170:23:22

MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:230:23:25

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:290:23:30

MUSIC PLAYS

0:23:300:23:32

Help him down. It's going to be emotional.

0:23:320:23:36

I've got you, I've got you! Come on.

0:23:370:23:41

Rusty, you've got to help. Rusty, help me!

0:23:410:23:45

He's here. He's all right. Everybody, he's all right.

0:23:470:23:51

Ladies and gentlemen, give him a round of applause.

0:23:510:23:54

-Such a big effort. Such a massive effort.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:23:550:24:00

That's amazing.

0:24:010:24:03

Once again, for a true national hero,

0:24:030:24:05

please respectfully remain seated for the hero of the hour,

0:24:050:24:10

Peter - surely soon to be Sir Peter - Kay.

0:24:100:24:13

Come on!

0:24:130:24:14

MUSIC PLAYS

0:24:160:24:20

# I sing myself to sleep

0:24:290:24:33

# A song from the darkest hour

0:24:330:24:37

# Secrets I can't keep

0:24:370:24:40

# In sight of the day

0:24:400:24:45

# Swing from high to deep

0:24:450:24:48

# Extremes of sweet and sour

0:24:480:24:52

# Hope that God exists

0:24:520:24:56

# I hope, I pray

0:24:560:25:00

# Drawn by the undertow

0:25:000:25:03

# My life is out of control

0:25:030:25:08

# I believe this wave will bear my weight

0:25:080:25:12

# So let it flow

0:25:120:25:14

# Oh, sit down

0:25:140:25:16

# Oh, sit down

0:25:160:25:17

# Oh, sit down

0:25:170:25:19

# Sit down next to me

0:25:190:25:23

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

0:25:230:25:27

# In sympathy

0:25:270:25:32

# Now I'm relieved to hear

0:25:460:25:49

# That you've been to some far-out places

0:25:490:25:53

# It's hard to carry on

0:25:530:25:57

# When you feel all alone

0:25:570:26:01

# Now I've swung back down again

0:26:010:26:04

# It's worse than it was before

0:26:040:26:08

# If I hadn't seen such riches

0:26:080:26:12

# I could live with being poor

0:26:120:26:15

# Oh, sit down

0:26:150:26:17

# Oh, sit down

0:26:170:26:18

# Oh, sit down

0:26:180:26:20

# Sit down next to me

0:26:200:26:23

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

0:26:230:26:28

# In sympathy

0:26:280:26:32

# Those who feel the breath of sadness

0:26:390:26:43

# Sit down next to me

0:26:430:26:47

# Those who find they're touched by madness

0:26:470:26:51

# Sit down next to me

0:26:510:26:53

# Those who find themselves ridiculous

0:26:540:26:58

# Sit down next to me

0:26:580:27:01

# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears

0:27:010:27:05

# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears

0:27:050:27:09

# In love, in fear, in hate, in tears

0:27:090:27:13

# I love, in fear, in hate

0:27:130:27:17

# Down

0:27:170:27:20

# Down

0:27:250:27:30

# Oh, sit down

0:27:310:27:33

# Oh, sit down

0:27:330:27:34

# Oh, sit down

0:27:340:27:36

# Sit down next to me

0:27:360:27:40

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

0:27:400:27:44

# In sympathy

0:27:440:27:46

# Oh, sit down

0:27:460:27:48

# Oh, sit down

0:27:480:27:49

# Oh, sit down

0:27:490:27:52

# Sit down next to me

0:27:520:27:55

# Sit down, down, down, down, down

0:27:550:28:00

# In sympathy

0:28:000:28:03

# Down. #

0:28:030:28:07

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