Episode 4 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

SNIPPETS OF SINGING

One simple dream, two million people

and now, just three remain in tonight's final.

I know I can win this for my family, especially our Gran.

Singing has always been my life. I was born with the Pop Factor.

That's why I can't lose this competition.

We know we can win this.

Britain has got the Pop Factor and you're looking at it.

No acts are the same. Young and old are here for this, the final show.

It's the talent show to end all talent shows

and you choose who wins.

A life-changing recording contract

and a chance to skate into the lead role of an ice extravaganza!

Tonight's the night. It's the final and it's up to you.

Only you can decide who is crowned champion.

The cameras are set, the phone lines are ready, the lights are rigged.

It's time to prove that Britain has got the Pop Factor and possibly

a new Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice!

CROWD ROARS

Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam.

The first one I went with made me wash me old man in the sink.

You took your dad?!

DRUNKEN SINGING

Oh, oh, I hate match days. Look at this.

CHEERING AND DRUNKEN SINGING

How far away are they?

# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the march tonight

# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the piss tonight

# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the road tonight

# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the piss tonight... #

Whoa! Enough, enough!

Get back on the bus, you're not coming in.

Hey, I'm getting married next week.

I don't care, you're not coming in, all right?

Come on, let him in, it's his stag night.

Is it money you want, cos we've got money?

We don't want it. Get back on the bus.

SHOUTING

Hey, what's up with this? Can't you read?

Oi, Tattoo, get away from there!

Who you calling Tattoo, you long streak of piss?

I'm calling YOU Tattoo!

SHOUTING

SMASHING GLASS

SHOUTING AND SMASHING GLASS

DISTANT COMMOTION

SHOUTING

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, you're laughing, but we'll end up like our parents.

It's inevitable. We will, I'm telling you. Mm.

LAUGHTER Oh, ay. 40 years from now,

we'll be there. Oh, I tell you, you don't know you're born, you.

LAUGHTER

All me and your mam used to have in the evenings was Sky Digital...

LAUGHTER Oh, ay, PlayStation.

All we had in the evenings, you know.

We used to have to manage with a car each!

A car each! LAUGHTER

Your mam had a dishwasher. You don't remember them.

Look at her face. She don't remember them. A dishwasher!

She used to have to go over, take all the plates,

open it up, load them in by hand on her own, turn it on...

LAUGHTER

I'm telling you now, you don't know you're born.

Didn't have any of them hoverboards.

They were just pipe dreams then, son.

Turn that music off. It's crap. Get a bit of Basement Jaxx on.

Put a bit of Basement Jaxx on. LAUGHTER

Bit of decent music, come on. Bit of drum'n'bass.

Put a bit of Prodigy on for your mam. She loves that.

Look at her. Smack Your Bitch Up, go on. She'll love that.

Put a bit of that on. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come on, son. Look, it's Hammertime. It's Hammertime, come on.

LAUGHTER

Flat top. Can't touch this, son.

Go on, it's Hammertime. Crank it up. LAUGHTER

RADIO: ..Fixings at a steal. Plus gutter pipes to die for.

And more ladders than you could shake a stick at.

Planning on a bit of soldering? We've got soldering wire...

What's your favourite colour? Blue.

What's yours? Yellow.

That just about sums us up.

RADIO: Another great song on Forever FM. Timeless hits now and forever.

Richard Marx and Hazard.

Ah! Oh, I don't need this.

I do not need this. Beautiful song.

This is horrific. What they playing this for?

It's about you. You're a hazard. I'm not backwards. What?

He's backwards, the lad in this song.

He's not playing with a full deck. Listen.

# My mother called me Hazard when I was just seven

# Even then the folks in town said with prejudiced eyes

# That boy's not right... #

Oh, I thought it just meant he was naughty. No, he's not right.

# ..when I came to know Mary... # He think this is his girl, look.

# The first time that someone looked

# Beyond the rumours and the lies

# Saw the man inside... #

Bloody bleak, this.

# We used to walk down by the river

# She loved to watch the sun go down... #

Then he kills her. Serial killer.

What do you reckon?

Oh, get a grip!

You're not crying at Hazard, are you?

It's just so sad. You're having a laugh! She's dead!

Live, it's the final of all finals.

Will you finally welcome your host for the final time?

Cat Deeley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, nice to see you again.

Good evening.

OK, this is it, Britain.

We've made it. We're here.

It's what everybody is talking about.

It's the highlight of the television year. It's the final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, lock the front door and strap yourselves in

because have we got a packed show for you tonight?

Not only will the winner receive a life-changing record contract

but they'll also qualify for the chance to compete in a new show

that starts next week on this very channel -

Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice!

CHEERING

Featuring Sally Lindsay as Mary, Louis Emerick as Joseph

and Todd Carty as Jesus H Christ,

next Wednesday at eight,

except Border Tyne Tees.

Doesn't that look great? It looks great. I can't wait!

CHEERING

A record-breaking 2.6 million applied to appear on the show.

After 15 unforgettable weeks, just three final acts remain.

The pressure is enormous and they're nervously waiting backstage.

So, let's welcome them one last time.

Ladies and gentlemen, your finalists.

MUSIC: O Fortuna from Carmina Burana by Carl Orff

R Wayne.

Geraldine.

And 2 Up 2 Down.

CHEERING

Manchester Evening News Arena is Europe's largest multipurpose

indoor entertainment and sports venue.

Security training for the staff

is provided by specialist company Live Sec

and their representatives Chris Choi and Shaun Ballen.

Welcome back to your third and final day of training.

Hope you all slept well.

And those of you who didn't, I hope you didn't sleep at all.

Seriously, today, we're going to look

at your relationship with the public

and how to conduct a thorough and complete body search. Chris.

Thank you, Shaun. Now, anal probes.

Where and how to use them in a crowd situation.

Are we on now? Chris came out of prison in '85.

Mm, well, I didn't come out of prison. Sounds terrible, that.

Well, I DID come out of prison, but I hadn't done anything. No.

I was a prison officer, so I hadn't actually committed a crime.

I used to box, flyweight, till I did my knee.

What we do is cover the first initial stages of training.

We touch base with the stewards,

then we up sticks to the next port of call.

Next week, we're in...Berlin. Berlin. Berlin.

It's an international contract. We go all over,

work in many different arenas, different venues,

with all the top names, all the artists.

You name them, we've worked with them over the years.

Meat Loaf. Yeah. Madonna. Yeah. U2. U2. Cast. Worked with them all.

I've seen Cher's arse. That was a dancer. No, it wasn't. It was Cher.

It was a... Whatever. Chris, it was a dancer. Whatever.

Please will you welcome, Mr Peter Kay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's all about you

# It's all about you, darling

# It's all about you

# It's all about you, baby, ooh... #

Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What does that mean?

Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do we sing something? What shall we sing? Can we sing something?

No, you BLEEP can't! Come on, Jonathan!

Come over here and join us!

Come on! What are you going to sing?

I don't remember the words to songs.

Come on, Jonathan! I haven't got a talent for songs.

What about Tina Charles, Are We Full Of Joy?

# I love to love... # Yeah, hang on.

# My baby just loves to dance

# She loves to dance She wants to dance

# She needs to dance Oh, I love to love

# But my baby, she just loves to dance

# Stop, she's spinning like a top

# We'll dance until we drop

# We'll dance the night away

# Ba, ba... LAUGHTER

There's no such word as "Ba"!

# Da, da, da night away

# I love to love

# But my baby just loves to dance

# Yes, she does... #

It's the part-time dinner lady, full-time diva.

It's the fabulous Geraldine.

It was drawing to the end of the auditions in London

and last to arrive was Geraldine,

who'd travelled all the way from Northern Ireland.

# I'm going to make a change

# For once in my life

# A summer's disregard

# A broken bottle top

# And a one man's soul

# They follow each other on the wind, you know

# Cos they got nowhere to go

# That's why I want you to know

# I'm starting with the man in the mirror

# If you want to make the world a better place

# Take a look at yourself and make a change. #

And once Geraldine was through to the weekly live shows,

there was no stopping her.

We've still got terrorism

But we've still got terrorists here living

In the USA, the big CIA

The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK...

And from then on, Geraldine kept her performances smokin'!

# What's she going to look like with a chimney on her?

DISTORTED: # What's she going to look like

# With a chimney on her? #

Even though things were going well in the show, behind the scenes,

the press were about to unearth a shocking secret.

They revealed that, prior to the competition,

Geraldine had, in fact, been a man called Gerry King,

a popular pianist on the Irish ferry circuit.

With relentless media attention,

Geraldine felt she had no choice but to defend herself publicly.

With a four-year waiting list on the NHS,

Geraldine's quest for surgery led her to a Bangkok hospital.

One night in Bangkok? Try three months.

Fiona, I've never known pain like it.

I owe everything to Dr Fung Me Wow.

He certainly knew his onions and now he's got mine.

See, I've always spent my life trapped,

ashamed when I've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

The problem is society dictates.

It shouldn't be about who I am or what I am.

It should be about my contribution to the world.

This is just a shell, this body, a vessel for my voice.

Real talent always shines through in the end.

It's a cup.

Let's go, girls!

After her open and honest appearance,

the British public quickly took her to their hearts.

# I'm going out tonight

# I'm feeling all right

# Going to let it all hang out

# The best thing about being a woman

# Is the prerogative to have a little fun

# Whoa-oa-oa

# Go totally crazy

# Forget I'm a lady... #

I've spent my whole life dreaming of a chance like this

and now I'm here, I really don't want it to end.

Please, Britain, let me live my dream.

# Man, I feel like a woman! #

MUSIC: Hazard by Richard Marx

# No-one understood what I felt for Mary

# No-one cared until the night

# She went out walking all alone

# And never came home... #

That's cos he killed her, put her in a wheelie bin!

# Man with a badge came knocking next morning... #

Police are here now.

Gets the blame. Yeah, cos he's killed her. But he didn't do it!

He DID do it!

# I swear I left her by the river... #

It's his last image of her, by the river.

It's his alibi to the police.

# I swear I left her safe and sound... #

Get a grip!

So, that's cameras and recording equipment to suite 21,

and no food and no beverages, unless it's on proven medical grounds.

Shaun. Thanks, Chris.

You know what the biggest enemy is in this business?

Public enemy number one. Tell them, Chris. Flash photography.

People might think we're being over the top

when we talk about the public taking photographs

but the repercussions can be enormous. Huge.

Someone tries to take a photograph at a concert -

a husband, a lover, whatever... Bang, it's like that!

All hell breaks loose, doesn't it? We did Elton John in Stockholm.

Yeah, Sheraton. That night, he wasn't.

He were right in the middle of Candle In The Wind

and the flash hit him. Bang, like that, weren't it? Quicker than that.

Flash! And he was gone, you know.

One woman, one flash and he was all over the place.

He went straight into Nikita. He was lost. He was dazzled.

We had Rocket Man, Sad Songs.

He was all over the place, like a headless chicken. And for what?

A selfish snapshot. Luckily the band jumped in and jammed along with him.

That's right. The audience just thought it was a medley, you know.

Yeah, yeah. But he found his way back in the end.

True professional, Elton. If that had been somebody else...

If that had been, er...

Curtis Stigers. Frightening.

Come on, Mum, time to go. Go? Go where?

The old people's home. They'll look after you now.

It's for the best. Are you mad? I'm 55!

I know, but I've had a word with them. They'll take you. Come on.

Get off! Why should I go and live in an old people's home?

Because I want to put a snooker table in your bedroom

and the kids are frightened of your moustache.

Now, come on! Avanti!

LAUGHTER

Slimming World red and green days. Who goes to Slimming World?

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

Slimming World. I went once.

If you don't know what Slimming World is,

it's like Weight Watchers but it's a quid cheaper.

LAUGHTER

Red and green days.

I went once. Methodist church hall in Bolton, Thursday night,

all women sat round in a semicircle.

Let's have a look at you girls now.

Big round of applause for Debbie.

This week, she's lost a pound.

I said, "I shit a pound. What's that?"

One pound! Big deal! LAUGHTER

Cost me ?3.50 to get in. What's a pound? Sh, sh!

LAUGHTER

Joan, at the back. Any problems this week, Joan, love?

Yeah, I can't poo.

LAUGHTER Too much information, Joan.

We didn't need to know that.

I'm eating a Nutri-Grain here. Dirty bitch.

Do you want that? Do you want that?

LAUGHTER

Carol, at the back. What's happened here, love? What's happened here?

You were doing really well, really well.

You nearly had your half-stone sticker.

LAUGHTER

What's going on, love? I'm looking here now...at my hand...

LAUGHTER

..and I'm worried. What happened?

I were doing really well and it got to Wednesday...

..and I don't know. I just...

Come on tell us, share it with the group. Come on.

Come on, we're all nosy bitches. Tell us.

LAUGHTER

Um, it got to Wednesday and I broke one of my nails and I had a fry-up.

LAUGHTER

We've all been there, girls, we've all been there!

Give Carol a round of applause anyway for trying.

For trying what? Cooking oil? Fat bitch! What's she tried?

What's she tried? Don't clap her!

LAUGHTER

Carol, take the "C" off "chips". What do you get?

LAUGHTER It's up to you, love.

I can't do it for you.

Men search men, women search women.

I know there's a lot of fellows in here

who'd like it the other way round but, hey... TOGETHER: Hands off.

Get them to open their bags and have a good look inside

but whatever you do, don't just stick your hand in there.

There could be anything in there. Hypodermic needles, anything. Shaun.

Thanks very much, Chris. When we frisk people

when they're coming into the arena, what, primarily, are we looking for?

Knives. I don't think so, mate.

We're going to be doing a lot of Disney On Ice, Hercules,

Beauty And The Beast, 911, family events, you know.

But you are the representatives of Live Sec.

You make the difference between what the public see on the door

and what they see on the stage. It's you that's in between.

You make the difference. Chris. Shaun's right.

You've got to learn to build up a relationship with the public.

Talk to them, let them get to trust you. Ask them questions.

Who's your favourite player? Who's your favourite singer?

Show them the magic thumb trick, you know.

Like that, look. Can you see at the back? Do it for us.

He does it better than me. Look at that, look.

Now, I guarantee you, they may not remember who they saw that night,

but they'll remember the magic thumb trick for the rest of their lives.

Basically, what we're asking for is 100%, 8 days a week, 24/7.

It's not easy, it's a hard job. No. We're not denying that.

But it'll probably be the most rewarding job you'll ever have

and a lot of fun as well. Chris. Thanks, Shaun.

And I know that, if we work together,

we can have a great future together.

Anybody any questions?

Can you frisk children?

MUSIC: Hazard by Richard Marx

SHE SNIFFS

# I swear I left her by the river... # It's too much.

Don't YOU start. Honest to God...

HE SOBS # I swear

# I left her safe and sound... # See, you're crying now!

# Oh, I need to make it to the river... # Awful story!

It's awful. Shouldn't be playing this when you're driving to work.

# And leave this old Nebraska town... #

HE SOBS

There's always a diet going round work as well.

There's always some girl... This is the diet, right.

If you want to lose weight and you want to lose weight quick,

you've got to get on this.

Me mate, she's a nurse, she got it photocopied. I tell you now...

I swear to God, I'm not shitting you. This is the diet, right.

This is the diet, right.

You have one Tuc cracker and a cup of beetroot, right.

You drink your own piss, you drink your own piss.

It's detox. It detoxes your body. Detox. Tracy's on it, right.

She lost 14st in a day.

14st in a day, I tell you now. One day. She's here now.

LAUGHTER

She's fell over. She's fell over her drip. You OK, love?

LAUGHTER 14st in a day.

# I think that you're the one

# When every time you call me lady

# I don't know what it is

# It makes me feel like this just lately, yeah

# Those heavenly calls

# You knew I was on my own

# Those heavenly calls

# We stepped into the unknown

# Let me sleep

# So I can dream of you

# Let me sleep

# So I can be with you

# What's a girl to do

# When she's alone with you Don't tell me

# And here we are again

# Yeah, acting like we're friends Now help me

# Those heavenly calls

# You knew I was on my own

# Those heavenly calls

# We stepped into the unknown

# Let me sleep

# So I can dream of you

# Let me sleep

# So I can be with you

# Let me sleep

# So I can dream of you

# Let me sleep

# So I can be with you

# Hold me close

# Let me be with you

# At least tonight

# We'll be misunderstood

# Let me sleep

# So I can dream of you

# Let me sleep

# So I can be with you

# Let me sleep What's a girl to do

# So I can dream of you When she's alone with you, don't tell me

# Let me sleep And here we are again

# So I can be with you Yeah, acting like we're friends, now help me

# And let me sleep

# Oh, let me sleep

# Let me sleep

# So I can dream of you

# Let me sleep, yeah

# So I can be with you. #

MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

DOG BARKS

Your future is taken care of.

You'll be surprised what you'll find.

I need to see more.

# I know, with you

# Tonight could be amazing

# Be amazing... #