Episode 4 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle


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Episode 4

A celebration of Peter Kay's funniest moments. Peter shines a light on dieting, John and Kayleigh are in tears and snooker champion Dennis Taylor makes a special appearance.


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SNIPPETS OF SINGING

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One simple dream, two million people

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and now, just three remain in tonight's final.

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I know I can win this for my family, especially our Gran.

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Singing has always been my life. I was born with the Pop Factor.

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That's why I can't lose this competition.

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We know we can win this.

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Britain has got the Pop Factor and you're looking at it.

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No acts are the same. Young and old are here for this, the final show.

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It's the talent show to end all talent shows

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and you choose who wins.

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A life-changing recording contract

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and a chance to skate into the lead role of an ice extravaganza!

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Tonight's the night. It's the final and it's up to you.

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Only you can decide who is crowned champion.

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The cameras are set, the phone lines are ready, the lights are rigged.

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It's time to prove that Britain has got the Pop Factor and possibly

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a new Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice!

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CROWD ROARS

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Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam.

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The first one I went with made me wash me old man in the sink.

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You took your dad?!

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DRUNKEN SINGING

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Oh, oh, I hate match days. Look at this.

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CHEERING AND DRUNKEN SINGING

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How far away are they?

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# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the march tonight

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# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the piss tonight

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# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the road tonight

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# We're Bolton, we're barmy We're on the piss tonight... #

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Whoa! Enough, enough!

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Get back on the bus, you're not coming in.

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Hey, I'm getting married next week.

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I don't care, you're not coming in, all right?

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Come on, let him in, it's his stag night.

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Is it money you want, cos we've got money?

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We don't want it. Get back on the bus.

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SHOUTING

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Hey, what's up with this? Can't you read?

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Oi, Tattoo, get away from there!

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Who you calling Tattoo, you long streak of piss?

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I'm calling YOU Tattoo!

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SHOUTING

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SMASHING GLASS

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SHOUTING AND SMASHING GLASS

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DISTANT COMMOTION

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SHOUTING

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LAUGHTER

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I tell you what, you're laughing, but we'll end up like our parents.

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It's inevitable. We will, I'm telling you. Mm.

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LAUGHTER Oh, ay. 40 years from now,

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we'll be there. Oh, I tell you, you don't know you're born, you.

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LAUGHTER

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All me and your mam used to have in the evenings was Sky Digital...

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LAUGHTER Oh, ay, PlayStation.

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All we had in the evenings, you know.

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We used to have to manage with a car each!

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A car each! LAUGHTER

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Your mam had a dishwasher. You don't remember them.

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Look at her face. She don't remember them. A dishwasher!

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She used to have to go over, take all the plates,

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open it up, load them in by hand on her own, turn it on...

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LAUGHTER

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I'm telling you now, you don't know you're born.

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Didn't have any of them hoverboards.

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They were just pipe dreams then, son.

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Turn that music off. It's crap. Get a bit of Basement Jaxx on.

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Put a bit of Basement Jaxx on. LAUGHTER

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Bit of decent music, come on. Bit of drum'n'bass.

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Put a bit of Prodigy on for your mam. She loves that.

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Look at her. Smack Your Bitch Up, go on. She'll love that.

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Put a bit of that on. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Come on, son. Look, it's Hammertime. It's Hammertime, come on.

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LAUGHTER

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Flat top. Can't touch this, son.

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Go on, it's Hammertime. Crank it up. LAUGHTER

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RADIO: ..Fixings at a steal. Plus gutter pipes to die for.

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And more ladders than you could shake a stick at.

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Planning on a bit of soldering? We've got soldering wire...

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What's your favourite colour? Blue.

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What's yours? Yellow.

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That just about sums us up.

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RADIO: Another great song on Forever FM. Timeless hits now and forever.

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Richard Marx and Hazard.

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Ah! Oh, I don't need this.

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I do not need this. Beautiful song.

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This is horrific. What they playing this for?

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It's about you. You're a hazard. I'm not backwards. What?

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He's backwards, the lad in this song.

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He's not playing with a full deck. Listen.

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# My mother called me Hazard when I was just seven

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# Even then the folks in town said with prejudiced eyes

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# That boy's not right... #

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Oh, I thought it just meant he was naughty. No, he's not right.

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# ..when I came to know Mary... # He think this is his girl, look.

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# The first time that someone looked

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# Beyond the rumours and the lies

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# Saw the man inside... #

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Bloody bleak, this.

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# We used to walk down by the river

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# She loved to watch the sun go down... #

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Then he kills her. Serial killer.

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What do you reckon?

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Oh, get a grip!

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You're not crying at Hazard, are you?

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It's just so sad. You're having a laugh! She's dead!

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Live, it's the final of all finals.

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Will you finally welcome your host for the final time?

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Cat Deeley!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello! Hello, nice to see you again.

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Good evening.

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OK, this is it, Britain.

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We've made it. We're here.

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It's what everybody is talking about.

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It's the highlight of the television year. It's the final!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, lock the front door and strap yourselves in

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because have we got a packed show for you tonight?

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Not only will the winner receive a life-changing record contract

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but they'll also qualify for the chance to compete in a new show

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that starts next week on this very channel -

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Celebrity Jesus Christ Soapstar Superstar Strictly On Ice!

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CHEERING

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Featuring Sally Lindsay as Mary, Louis Emerick as Joseph

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and Todd Carty as Jesus H Christ,

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next Wednesday at eight,

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except Border Tyne Tees.

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Doesn't that look great? It looks great. I can't wait!

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CHEERING

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A record-breaking 2.6 million applied to appear on the show.

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After 15 unforgettable weeks, just three final acts remain.

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The pressure is enormous and they're nervously waiting backstage.

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So, let's welcome them one last time.

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Ladies and gentlemen, your finalists.

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MUSIC: O Fortuna from Carmina Burana by Carl Orff

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R Wayne.

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Geraldine.

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And 2 Up 2 Down.

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CHEERING

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Manchester Evening News Arena is Europe's largest multipurpose

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indoor entertainment and sports venue.

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Security training for the staff

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is provided by specialist company Live Sec

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and their representatives Chris Choi and Shaun Ballen.

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Welcome back to your third and final day of training.

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Hope you all slept well.

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And those of you who didn't, I hope you didn't sleep at all.

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Seriously, today, we're going to look

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at your relationship with the public

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and how to conduct a thorough and complete body search. Chris.

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Thank you, Shaun. Now, anal probes.

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Where and how to use them in a crowd situation.

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Are we on now? Chris came out of prison in '85.

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Mm, well, I didn't come out of prison. Sounds terrible, that.

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Well, I DID come out of prison, but I hadn't done anything. No.

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I was a prison officer, so I hadn't actually committed a crime.

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I used to box, flyweight, till I did my knee.

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What we do is cover the first initial stages of training.

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We touch base with the stewards,

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then we up sticks to the next port of call.

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Next week, we're in...Berlin. Berlin. Berlin.

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It's an international contract. We go all over,

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work in many different arenas, different venues,

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with all the top names, all the artists.

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You name them, we've worked with them over the years.

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Meat Loaf. Yeah. Madonna. Yeah. U2. U2. Cast. Worked with them all.

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I've seen Cher's arse. That was a dancer. No, it wasn't. It was Cher.

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It was a... Whatever. Chris, it was a dancer. Whatever.

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Please will you welcome, Mr Peter Kay!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# It's all about you

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# It's all about you, darling

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# It's all about you

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# It's all about you, baby, ooh... #

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Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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What does that mean?

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Hey! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Do we sing something? What shall we sing? Can we sing something?

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No, you BLEEP can't! Come on, Jonathan!

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Come over here and join us!

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Come on! What are you going to sing?

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I don't remember the words to songs.

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Come on, Jonathan! I haven't got a talent for songs.

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What about Tina Charles, Are We Full Of Joy?

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# I love to love... # Yeah, hang on.

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# My baby just loves to dance

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# She loves to dance She wants to dance

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# She needs to dance Oh, I love to love

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# But my baby, she just loves to dance

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# Stop, she's spinning like a top

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# We'll dance until we drop

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# We'll dance the night away

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# Ba, ba... LAUGHTER

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There's no such word as "Ba"!

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# Da, da, da night away

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# I love to love

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# But my baby just loves to dance

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# Yes, she does... #

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It's the part-time dinner lady, full-time diva.

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It's the fabulous Geraldine.

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It was drawing to the end of the auditions in London

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and last to arrive was Geraldine,

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who'd travelled all the way from Northern Ireland.

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# I'm going to make a change

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# For once in my life

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# A summer's disregard

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# A broken bottle top

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# And a one man's soul

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# They follow each other on the wind, you know

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# Cos they got nowhere to go

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# That's why I want you to know

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# I'm starting with the man in the mirror

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# If you want to make the world a better place

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# Take a look at yourself and make a change. #

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And once Geraldine was through to the weekly live shows,

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there was no stopping her.

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We've still got terrorism

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But we've still got terrorists here living

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In the USA, the big CIA

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The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK...

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And from then on, Geraldine kept her performances smokin'!

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# What's she going to look like with a chimney on her?

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DISTORTED: # What's she going to look like

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# With a chimney on her? #

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Even though things were going well in the show, behind the scenes,

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the press were about to unearth a shocking secret.

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They revealed that, prior to the competition,

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Geraldine had, in fact, been a man called Gerry King,

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a popular pianist on the Irish ferry circuit.

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With relentless media attention,

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Geraldine felt she had no choice but to defend herself publicly.

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With a four-year waiting list on the NHS,

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Geraldine's quest for surgery led her to a Bangkok hospital.

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One night in Bangkok? Try three months.

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Fiona, I've never known pain like it.

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I owe everything to Dr Fung Me Wow.

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He certainly knew his onions and now he's got mine.

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See, I've always spent my life trapped,

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ashamed when I've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

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The problem is society dictates.

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It shouldn't be about who I am or what I am.

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It should be about my contribution to the world.

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This is just a shell, this body, a vessel for my voice.

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Real talent always shines through in the end.

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It's a cup.

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Let's go, girls!

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After her open and honest appearance,

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the British public quickly took her to their hearts.

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# I'm going out tonight

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# I'm feeling all right

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# Going to let it all hang out

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# The best thing about being a woman

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# Is the prerogative to have a little fun

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# Whoa-oa-oa

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# Go totally crazy

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# Forget I'm a lady... #

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I've spent my whole life dreaming of a chance like this

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and now I'm here, I really don't want it to end.

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Please, Britain, let me live my dream.

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# Man, I feel like a woman! #

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MUSIC: Hazard by Richard Marx

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# No-one understood what I felt for Mary

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# No-one cared until the night

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# She went out walking all alone

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# And never came home... #

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That's cos he killed her, put her in a wheelie bin!

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# Man with a badge came knocking next morning... #

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Police are here now.

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Gets the blame. Yeah, cos he's killed her. But he didn't do it!

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He DID do it!

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# I swear I left her by the river... #

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It's his last image of her, by the river.

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It's his alibi to the police.

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# I swear I left her safe and sound... #

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Get a grip!

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So, that's cameras and recording equipment to suite 21,

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and no food and no beverages, unless it's on proven medical grounds.

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Shaun. Thanks, Chris.

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You know what the biggest enemy is in this business?

0:16:590:17:01

Public enemy number one. Tell them, Chris. Flash photography.

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People might think we're being over the top

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when we talk about the public taking photographs

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but the repercussions can be enormous. Huge.

0:17:100:17:12

Someone tries to take a photograph at a concert -

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a husband, a lover, whatever... Bang, it's like that!

0:17:140:17:17

All hell breaks loose, doesn't it? We did Elton John in Stockholm.

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Yeah, Sheraton. That night, he wasn't.

0:17:200:17:23

He were right in the middle of Candle In The Wind

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and the flash hit him. Bang, like that, weren't it? Quicker than that.

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Flash! And he was gone, you know.

0:17:290:17:31

One woman, one flash and he was all over the place.

0:17:310:17:33

He went straight into Nikita. He was lost. He was dazzled.

0:17:330:17:37

We had Rocket Man, Sad Songs.

0:17:370:17:38

He was all over the place, like a headless chicken. And for what?

0:17:380:17:42

A selfish snapshot. Luckily the band jumped in and jammed along with him.

0:17:420:17:46

That's right. The audience just thought it was a medley, you know.

0:17:460:17:49

Yeah, yeah. But he found his way back in the end.

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True professional, Elton. If that had been somebody else...

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If that had been, er...

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Curtis Stigers. Frightening.

0:17:570:18:00

Come on, Mum, time to go. Go? Go where?

0:18:020:18:06

The old people's home. They'll look after you now.

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It's for the best. Are you mad? I'm 55!

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I know, but I've had a word with them. They'll take you. Come on.

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Get off! Why should I go and live in an old people's home?

0:18:150:18:19

Because I want to put a snooker table in your bedroom

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and the kids are frightened of your moustache.

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Now, come on! Avanti!

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LAUGHTER

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Slimming World red and green days. Who goes to Slimming World?

0:18:300:18:33

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

0:18:330:18:36

Slimming World. I went once.

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If you don't know what Slimming World is,

0:18:390:18:41

it's like Weight Watchers but it's a quid cheaper.

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LAUGHTER

0:18:440:18:46

Red and green days.

0:18:460:18:48

I went once. Methodist church hall in Bolton, Thursday night,

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all women sat round in a semicircle.

0:18:520:18:55

Let's have a look at you girls now.

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Big round of applause for Debbie.

0:18:570:18:59

This week, she's lost a pound.

0:18:590:19:02

I said, "I shit a pound. What's that?"

0:19:020:19:05

One pound! Big deal! LAUGHTER

0:19:050:19:09

Cost me ?3.50 to get in. What's a pound? Sh, sh!

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LAUGHTER

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Joan, at the back. Any problems this week, Joan, love?

0:19:160:19:20

Yeah, I can't poo.

0:19:200:19:23

LAUGHTER Too much information, Joan.

0:19:230:19:26

We didn't need to know that.

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I'm eating a Nutri-Grain here. Dirty bitch.

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Do you want that? Do you want that?

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LAUGHTER

0:19:320:19:35

Carol, at the back. What's happened here, love? What's happened here?

0:19:350:19:39

You were doing really well, really well.

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You nearly had your half-stone sticker.

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LAUGHTER

0:19:440:19:47

What's going on, love? I'm looking here now...at my hand...

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LAUGHTER

0:19:500:19:53

..and I'm worried. What happened?

0:19:530:19:56

I were doing really well and it got to Wednesday...

0:19:560:20:00

..and I don't know. I just...

0:20:020:20:06

Come on tell us, share it with the group. Come on.

0:20:060:20:09

Come on, we're all nosy bitches. Tell us.

0:20:090:20:11

LAUGHTER

0:20:110:20:13

Um, it got to Wednesday and I broke one of my nails and I had a fry-up.

0:20:130:20:20

LAUGHTER

0:20:200:20:21

We've all been there, girls, we've all been there!

0:20:210:20:24

Give Carol a round of applause anyway for trying.

0:20:240:20:27

For trying what? Cooking oil? Fat bitch! What's she tried?

0:20:270:20:31

What's she tried? Don't clap her!

0:20:310:20:33

LAUGHTER

0:20:330:20:36

Carol, take the "C" off "chips". What do you get?

0:20:360:20:39

LAUGHTER It's up to you, love.

0:20:390:20:42

I can't do it for you.

0:20:430:20:45

Men search men, women search women.

0:20:450:20:47

I know there's a lot of fellows in here

0:20:470:20:49

who'd like it the other way round but, hey... TOGETHER: Hands off.

0:20:490:20:52

Get them to open their bags and have a good look inside

0:20:530:20:55

but whatever you do, don't just stick your hand in there.

0:20:550:20:58

There could be anything in there. Hypodermic needles, anything. Shaun.

0:20:580:21:01

Thanks very much, Chris. When we frisk people

0:21:010:21:03

when they're coming into the arena, what, primarily, are we looking for?

0:21:030:21:07

Knives. I don't think so, mate.

0:21:070:21:10

We're going to be doing a lot of Disney On Ice, Hercules,

0:21:100:21:13

Beauty And The Beast, 911, family events, you know.

0:21:130:21:16

But you are the representatives of Live Sec.

0:21:160:21:19

You make the difference between what the public see on the door

0:21:190:21:21

and what they see on the stage. It's you that's in between.

0:21:210:21:24

You make the difference. Chris. Shaun's right.

0:21:240:21:26

You've got to learn to build up a relationship with the public.

0:21:260:21:29

Talk to them, let them get to trust you. Ask them questions.

0:21:290:21:32

Who's your favourite player? Who's your favourite singer?

0:21:320:21:35

Show them the magic thumb trick, you know.

0:21:350:21:38

Like that, look. Can you see at the back? Do it for us.

0:21:380:21:41

He does it better than me. Look at that, look.

0:21:410:21:44

Now, I guarantee you, they may not remember who they saw that night,

0:21:440:21:47

but they'll remember the magic thumb trick for the rest of their lives.

0:21:470:21:51

Basically, what we're asking for is 100%, 8 days a week, 24/7.

0:21:510:21:56

It's not easy, it's a hard job. No. We're not denying that.

0:21:560:21:59

But it'll probably be the most rewarding job you'll ever have

0:21:590:22:03

and a lot of fun as well. Chris. Thanks, Shaun.

0:22:030:22:05

And I know that, if we work together,

0:22:050:22:07

we can have a great future together.

0:22:070:22:10

Anybody any questions?

0:22:100:22:12

Can you frisk children?

0:22:120:22:13

MUSIC: Hazard by Richard Marx

0:22:180:22:23

SHE SNIFFS

0:22:300:22:32

# I swear I left her by the river... # It's too much.

0:22:320:22:36

Don't YOU start. Honest to God...

0:22:360:22:39

HE SOBS # I swear

0:22:390:22:41

# I left her safe and sound... # See, you're crying now!

0:22:410:22:46

# Oh, I need to make it to the river... # Awful story!

0:22:460:22:52

It's awful. Shouldn't be playing this when you're driving to work.

0:22:520:22:57

# And leave this old Nebraska town... #

0:22:570:23:01

HE SOBS

0:23:010:23:03

There's always a diet going round work as well.

0:23:030:23:06

There's always some girl... This is the diet, right.

0:23:060:23:08

If you want to lose weight and you want to lose weight quick,

0:23:080:23:10

you've got to get on this.

0:23:100:23:12

Me mate, she's a nurse, she got it photocopied. I tell you now...

0:23:120:23:16

I swear to God, I'm not shitting you. This is the diet, right.

0:23:160:23:20

This is the diet, right.

0:23:200:23:21

You have one Tuc cracker and a cup of beetroot, right.

0:23:210:23:24

You drink your own piss, you drink your own piss.

0:23:240:23:27

It's detox. It detoxes your body. Detox. Tracy's on it, right.

0:23:270:23:32

She lost 14st in a day.

0:23:320:23:34

14st in a day, I tell you now. One day. She's here now.

0:23:340:23:38

LAUGHTER

0:23:380:23:42

She's fell over. She's fell over her drip. You OK, love?

0:23:520:23:56

LAUGHTER 14st in a day.

0:23:560:23:59

# I think that you're the one

0:24:190:24:22

# When every time you call me lady

0:24:220:24:25

# I don't know what it is

0:24:280:24:30

# It makes me feel like this just lately, yeah

0:24:300:24:35

# Those heavenly calls

0:24:370:24:39

# You knew I was on my own

0:24:390:24:44

# Those heavenly calls

0:24:460:24:48

# We stepped into the unknown

0:24:480:24:53

# Let me sleep

0:24:530:24:57

# So I can dream of you

0:24:570:25:00

# Let me sleep

0:25:020:25:06

# So I can be with you

0:25:060:25:09

# What's a girl to do

0:25:120:25:14

# When she's alone with you Don't tell me

0:25:140:25:18

# And here we are again

0:25:210:25:23

# Yeah, acting like we're friends Now help me

0:25:230:25:27

# Those heavenly calls

0:25:290:25:32

# You knew I was on my own

0:25:320:25:37

# Those heavenly calls

0:25:380:25:41

# We stepped into the unknown

0:25:410:25:45

# Let me sleep

0:25:460:25:49

# So I can dream of you

0:25:490:25:52

# Let me sleep

0:25:550:25:58

# So I can be with you

0:25:580:26:02

# Let me sleep

0:26:040:26:07

# So I can dream of you

0:26:070:26:10

# Let me sleep

0:26:120:26:15

# So I can be with you

0:26:150:26:19

# Hold me close

0:26:400:26:42

# Let me be with you

0:26:420:26:45

# At least tonight

0:26:480:26:50

# We'll be misunderstood

0:26:500:26:54

# Let me sleep

0:26:560:26:59

# So I can dream of you

0:26:590:27:02

# Let me sleep

0:27:050:27:08

# So I can be with you

0:27:080:27:11

# Let me sleep What's a girl to do

0:27:130:27:17

# So I can dream of you When she's alone with you, don't tell me

0:27:170:27:20

# Let me sleep And here we are again

0:27:220:27:25

# So I can be with you Yeah, acting like we're friends, now help me

0:27:250:27:29

# And let me sleep

0:27:300:27:33

# Oh, let me sleep

0:27:340:27:38

# Let me sleep

0:27:390:27:43

# So I can dream of you

0:27:430:27:47

# Let me sleep, yeah

0:27:480:27:51

# So I can be with you. #

0:27:510:27:55

MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

0:27:580:28:02

DOG BARKS

0:28:020:28:04

Your future is taken care of.

0:28:330:28:35

You'll be surprised what you'll find.

0:28:350:28:38

I need to see more.

0:28:390:28:40

# I know, with you

0:28:400:28:42

# Tonight could be amazing

0:28:420:28:45

# Be amazing... #

0:28:450:28:47

Peter shines a light on dieting, John and Kayleigh are both in tears and there's a special appearance from snooker champion Dennis Taylor.