Episode 5 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

This programme contains adult humour.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't do that!

I can't do that!

Not a... No chance!

These lads are clearly blessed, eh?

Look at that - amazing.

Where's the basket gone?

Hey, it's not dodgems, son, it's not dodgems.

Oh, whoo!

Eh?

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE RINGS

-What?

-VOICE ON PHONE: Hello.

Could I speak to Mr Potter, please?

Speaking.

Mr Potter from the Phoenix Club?

Yeah, who's this? It's half three in the pissing morning!

It's...

It's Mixu Paatelainen.

Who?

Bolton Coroners Office.

Er...

-I'm afraid your club has burnt down.

-What?!

Oh...! Oh, God, no!

Oh, no, not again!

I'm afraid we've found a body, Mr Potter.

A body?! Oh, God, no!

Jerry... Oh, Jerry! The compere!

He was asked to lock up!

Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

MAX COUGHS 19 years, Jerry!

19 years, no goodbyes!

Well, all we need to know, Mr Potter, did he have false teeth?

PADDY LAUGHS

Did he what? False teeth?

How the pissing hell should I know if he had false teeth?

Who is this?!

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

Eh?!

I know who you are! Who are ya?!

MAX HANGS UP

Mixu Paatelainen!

THEY LAUGH

Sick animals! Laughing at death!

Half past three in the bloody morning!

Bloody world's gone mad!

HE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Who is this?! Hello?!

-Mr Potter?

-Who is this?!

-This is Sgt Patterson.

I'm ringing regarding a break-in at your club.

Oh, a break-in, now, is it, eh?

Who's broke in? Bloody fire brigade?

-Burnt down a minute ago, you sick bastards!

-I beg your pardon?

Do you? Well, cop for this!

HE FARTS

Goodnight!

Thanks again for coming down, Sgt Patterson.

-I, er, I appreciate it.

-Not at all, Mr Potter.

-Like I said, I can't understand anyone stealing beer crates.

-Yeah.

It'll be young bulls sniffing crack.

They'll go straight up their nose, them beer crates. Bloody filth!

See ya!

I still can't believe I'm doing so many nights in this place.

You've got to maintain a level of enthusiasm every night,

and when people heckle, I mean,

they shout stuff out and you just go off in a different direction,

and sometimes that's the magic,

that's the spontaneity, you know, right there.

We're on this street in t'middle of t'night, and I'm really thirsty.

I said, "I've got a thirst you could photograph here."

-WOMAN SHOUTS What?

-Was it raining?

LAUGHTER

You pick your moments, don't ya?!

No, I were in... I were in Gran Canaria, it weren't raining!

It's a bit of a cul-de-sac here she's dragged me down, innit, eh?

No, it weren't, no.

What...?

What possessed you?

We're all shocked, all of us.

You on glue?

Go on...

I got ma tickets on eBay!

GEORDIE ACCENT I got ma ticken on eBay!

Is he that bloke from t'end of Goonies, in that cave?

I mean, if you're going to jump in, help me!

Don't just, like, shout out random thoughts,

like Tourette's.

Next time someone says, "Penny for your thoughts" - sell.

-RADIO:

-Have you seen this in the news today?

Apparently, there are thought to be

four million naturists in the UK now.

Yes, those people who like to be at one with nature

at special camps across the UK.

I wouldn't be into that. Are you?

-There's what?

-Wouldn't be into that.

-Four million what?

-Nudists!

Doing what?

Being nude.

Seriously, one of your colleagues

probably loves to walk around naked at the weekends.

I couldn't do that in front of other people.

My friend's mum and dad do it.

-Where?

-I don't know where - in a caravan or something, I don't know.

Would you not be cold?

That would be the least of your worries!

YAWNING There's four million of 'em.

-I don't even like looking at meself in the bath...

-I know.

..let alone anyone else looking at me.

They must be freezing.

They must be filthy pigs.

Gets me when you see 'em playing tennis and stuff.

Everything's swinging about. SHE PRETENDS TO GAG

-And they're never good looking and slim.

-No, no.

They're always old, fat and ugly, like...

Aren't they?

Do like taking my bra off when I get home at night, though.

So, let's have a look at you. WOMAN HECKLES

What did you say, love? Go on!

WOMEN SHOUT

No, you see, you've opened a thing now, they all shout.

I didn't ask any of you, I asked that lady.

Whoo!

What did that lady say?

ANOTHER WOMAN SHOUTS Not you. No, no, not you!

Right, see when I pointed that way and I said her?

Didn't point that way, did I?

Whoo!

What did you say, darling?

-Whoo!

-No.

No, no, you're not understanding.

You don't understand, I'm sorry.

Whoo!

No, no, I didn't even say it, then!

No, no. Could someone help her?

Whoo!

She's done it again, she's done it again.

-Whoo!

-And again.

-Whoo!

-What a night we're going to have.

-Whoo!

I'll try and work me material in between them whoos, if I can.

-Whoo!

-Oh, there you go.

Like a truck reversing.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Anyway, love... She's probably gone, this one here. What did you say?

WOMEN SHOUT

No, no, not them behind her. The one in the front now.

It's going to take a good hour, this,

but we'll get there eventually.

Bear with me. Go on...

MAN SHOUTS Not you, dickhead!

Eh? Are you a woman? No, you're a man! Shut your mouth!

-Go on, love, sorry, what were you saying?

-Whoo!

WOMEN SHOUT

Not you behind her! Her in front!

Shush! Go on...

ANOTHER WOMAN SHOUTS

Not you! Who the BLEEP are you?!

-Oh, my good God.

-Whoo!

Come up, love, just come out, come up, and tell me in me ear.

I can't handle it anymore.

Just come up and tell me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, tell me, what is it?

Come here, what did you say? What...?

I was telling you, it's the vodka!

I'm from Barry Island!

-What's occurring?

-I'll tell you what's occurring,

you could breastfeed a creche, that's what's occurring.

Christ Almighty.

You look like Geraldine.

So, that... What were you shouting? "It's the vodka."

All that for that? Is that all it were?

What's the vodka? The vodka's making you shout out?

Oh, bloody hell...

It's all right.

-Anyway...

-You've got make-up on.

Of course I've got make-up on! Have you seen them...? Turn round here!

Turn round, look at them lights there.

-Oh!

-Exactly, you can't see a pissing thing.

If I didn't put make-up on, I'd look like a ghost!

It doesn't matter if you wear make-up about seeing.

You didn't put make-up on your eyes.

Are you...? Are you having that vodka intravenously?

You're slurring your words. What time did you start?

After Cbeebies? What time did you start?

I know what I mean!

HE LAUGHS You know what you mean!

You're...!

I'm going to say you're off your tits, but there's not enough room!

-Well, it's a charming little watercolour...

-Charming.

..late 19th century, by Flamineaux.

-It's signed.

-It's signed by the artist.

-Yeah.

So, I would value it at around...

£200.

Come again?

£200? Two-zero-zero?

There's a man over there got 15 grand for a box.

Four hours it took me to get here.

Could have gone potholing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

15 weeks ago our finalists began their intrepid journey,

with highs, lows, laughter, tears,

and quite a few surprises along the way.

Let's take a look.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The public have no idea how much hard work

goes into a show like this.

It's just all singing, all dancing.

One minute you're singing, next minute you're dancing,

next minute you're singing AND dancing!

You can sing without dancing, and you can dance without singing,

but whatever way you look at it, it's all singing, all dancing.

Right, are you ready? Ready, and...!

In order to get our finalists up to scratch,

the producers enlist the help of some world-class coaches.

Amongst them is star of stage and screen, Lionel Blair.

He's worked with the best, including Kylie, Amy Winehouse,

and Ray Winstone.

What people don't realise, these people can't put one

foot in front of the other - quite literally this year.

And it's my job to make them look good and feel good.

You know, people say you can't polish a turd.

Well, I've polished hundreds.

Ha! Ho! Ha-ha! Hey, good!

Two up, two down, right?

It's not Ring a Ring o' Rosie, you know!

I want attitude!

See, what I like to give them is encouragement.

You've got to.

That was crap - with a capital K!

What I really like to give them

is a little bitty bit of Lionel's magic stardust.

They love it!

Amy Winehouse couldn't get enough of it.

You're supposed to be in the ghetto!

You're in the streets.

There's an 11-year-old kid down there in the alley selling crack!

Dance for him.

Oh, and I'll push them.

Oh, yeah, I'll push 'em.

You're supposed to be a professional!

-D'you want to be in this business?

-Don't point at the ladies.

Oh, we're going to have that attitude?

So you can do attitude now, but you can't do it in the BLEEP number?!

I can be tough, you know.

Ask anyone. You ask Ray Winstone.

Don't tell me where to point,

or I shall put this where the sun don't shine!

Now I'm giving you the Blair stare!

I really want it proper, OK?

Five, six, seven, hit it!

ALL: Hey, you, the rocksteady crew! Show 'em what to do...

Come on, give me anger! Hate me! Yeah!

ALL: B-boy, breakers, electric boogaloo!

Oh, God...

I'm a showbiz dancer, and it's my job to gild those lilies.

Hey, what's the matter? Look! You can move your arms, can't you?

I'm sorry, Lionel, I just can't do it, I can't...

Look, look, look, crying's not going to get you to the top.

But...

a little stardust will.

-SOBBING

-I just can't do it.

Oh, for BLEEP sake, come on, let's take it from the top.

You've got to shake your jugs.

-OK.

-That's it. And shake your jugs, and shake your jugs.

Crotch to the ground, and crotch to the ground.

Lionel Blair's a professional, right down to his little fingertips.

Do your yashmak, that's right.

Keep your eyes closed until you hear the music, then open them!

Cos I want to see danger.

He's an animal - and he pushes and pushes and pushes

and pushes just to get that little bit of magic.

He won't stop.

-Yashmak!

-Yashmak.

-And cue music!

Oh, for BLEEP sake, cue music!

MUSIC STARTS Open your eyes!

Oh, that was excitement! Remember to mime.

Now, one, two, three, shake your jugs! Tush, shake...!

I've never done dancing before in my life, not since I did dancing

when I was younger, the Irish dancing and all that,

but nothing what he had me doing!

..three, four, blow kisses!

-The camera!

-Don't look at the camera, cos it'll kill it!

I had absolutely no idea how unfit I was

till I had a session with Lionel.

He's had this body in positions that would make a whore blush.

# Cos tonight I'm going to give you my...

# Don't play games that you're playing

# Cos you know that I won't run away... #

I loved doing the Bhangra dance.

That sari was very slimming.

# Cos tonight I'm going to give you my... #

I did try a burqa, you know, but you couldn't hear me sing,

and I kept falling off the stage.

She was like dynamite!

BLEEP hell, he's on his arse, this lad, in't he?

Every time there's a gap, he's in wi' t'wacky catchphrase!

Here's one... HORN HONKS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When, erm...

Did you bring the family down today?

Yeah, I've brought me mum down and me wife, Susan,

and, erm, me nan.

LAUGHTER

-Me nana's come.

-She a bit of a character, your nana, is she?

Yeah, she is, God love her. She's, erm...

She put a flask up on t'train, which is...

They won't know what that means down here, will they?

-No, it's a flask of tea.

-It's a flask of tea.

-That's right.

To put a flask up means you brought...

We're in first class, I treated 'em.

Sorry, YOU treated us. And, er...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In fact...

I've got the receipts!

She brought some sandwiches.

So when they came down, first class, wi' t'trolley,

we had a Tescos whole nut bar and our sandwiches out,

and a flask of tea, she said, "The tea's stewed, Peter.

"Taste that - that's tea. Now that's tea.

"Now that's tea. That's my tea, that."

God love her, but she's always coming out with great...

She said a great thing the other night. Did you see, erm...?

Cos that were on last Sunday,

Stanley Kubrick's Chocolate Orange, she called it.

"Did you see A Chocolate Orange? Stanley Kubrick?"

-That's where you get all your material from.

-Me nan, I know.

Well, precisely, I mean, you just... I mean, you do.

I mean, A, that's why you don't leave your roots,

you like living up there, of course you do,

but just keep your ears open and it's all there, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it becomes... I don't know where you get it from.

Me mum went to t'library, and said, erm...

Woman said, "Your Peter's doing very well for himself,

"but he's always really quiet when he comes in here."

LAUGHTER It's a library.

It's a library.

What does she want me to be?

LOUDLY Can I just return these, love?

I think one of 'em's overdue, d'you want to check?

What can you do?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And you know what I love in t'mornings, when you get up?

You never get up if it's 8.03 or 8.04 on your clock -

you always wait till 8.05, don't you? Why?

Always got to round it up to 8.05.

"I'm not getting up on a bloody odd number,

"I'm not stupid, am I hell?!

"Think I am, mad?!

"Oh, hang on here...

"I'll get up when this song's finished."

How long do dads piss for?

How long?

Once a week for about 20 minutes.

You look at t'clock, it's 8.07,

so now you've got to wait till 10 past, eh?

BOTH: Well, now to a comedian who has certainly brought Bolton to the

attention of the entire country,

conjuring up some bizarre characters in the process. Rachel.

Peter Kay burst onto the scene...

..in 1997, and now with his own series already under his belt,

plus a Christmas special...

His second series, Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights, starts on Sunday.

-And...

-Yes, he's here tonight.

-What Christmas special?!

-If you look at...

Well, the video, the video in Blackpool was what we meant.

But if you look on the script, it now says,

"Peter, be funny for four minutes." Can you do that?

-Well, that's that gone.

-I tell you what, though...

You've spelt me name with an E. See ya! Ta-ra!

Joining us now is Tony Jenner, the Regional Dental Advisor,

Eric Rooney, who's head of community dentistry in Liverpool,

and Pauline, a dental nurse, and her daughter Ashley,

who's kindly come along to help us out.

-First, if I could just ask you, how bad is the situation?

-See ya.

-See ya, Peter.

-See ya.

-Sorry.

-Forgot me key, don't look.

-Goodbye.

-Ta-ra.

-Safe journey.

-Brush those teeth.

-Yes, do. So, sorry, how bad is...?

How bad is the situation across the north-west,

if that hasn't put you off too much?

-I'm afraid the situation is not very good.

-Right.

I'm shattered!

Knocks you out, this country air, don't it?

Two hours we've been at it.

Go on, it's your turn.

Right, er...

# Deh-deh-du-deh

# Deh-deh-duh

# Deh-duh-deh-deh

MAX JOINS IN # Deh-du-deh-deh-duh, boom-boom!

# Deh-deh-duh-deh

# Duh-duh-da-dum... #

-The A-Team!

-Yeah.

Yeah. I'll tell you who were my favourite in The A-Team.

Howling Mad Murdock!

I did some laughing at him! He were crackers.

-You can't beat BA, though, eh?

-You reckon?

-Oh, aye.

"I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool! I ain't gettin' on no plane!"

Yeah. Here y'are! Drink this milk, BA.

"How'd I get here?"

Yeah! Every week, every week!

-Tell you another one of my favourites.

-Who's that?

-Miami Vice.

-Miami Vice!

-Crockett and Tubbs, eh?

I modelled meself on those two chancers.

-I tell ya a couple of blokes that'd put them in the shade.

-Who?

Magnet and Steel.

Who?

Magnet and Steel.

-Magnet and Steel?

-Yeah.

-I don't remember them.

When were that on?

They've never been on. You know why?

I've created 'em.

You what?

I've made 'em up.

They're a couple of cops who operate outside the law,

and when there's trouble they come together.

-Don't tell me - like magnet and steel.

-Exactly. Yeah.

I thought it up a while back now.

Erm...

Take a look at these.

Six years' work here, Patrick.

These are some drawings I've done of 'em.

There's the helicopter, Magnet and Steel's helicopter.

You've got rockets on their helicopter,

you've got lasers on t'front.

"Get in, Magnet." "Bang!"

"I'm evil! I'm evil!" He's chasing him in a tank, look.

-And who's drawn these, you?

-Yeah.

That's Frank Magnet, Tony Steel.

-Is he Chinese?

-No, I only had a yellow felt tip.

There's some of t'weapons that they use - sword, one's got a knife,

they've got a super-gun.

He's got... One of 'em's got x-ray glasses.

He makes them in a secret laboratory.

Fantastic.

Yeah. Magnet and Steel, Paddy.

You saw it here first, my friend.

Magnet and Steel - the next big thing!

Technology moves on.

I remember when we got our very first video in t'early '80s.

We got, er... I don't know what it were,

but they had to take the front room window out

for t'bring it in, it were that big.

Ferguson Videostar.

Top loader, big huge silver thing.

When you pressed Eject, all t'house used to shake, it were that loud.

Massive. Remote control on a wire, d'you remember that?

Remote control on a wire, you couldn't go that far with it.

If you were a lad, you couldn't watch a bit of blue

in t'middle of t'night -

cos everyone could hear it fast forwarding about three streets away.

So I've heard. Anyway, no...

I'll be up in a minute, Mum. I'm, I'm just getting a drink.

MIMES A LOUD WHIRR Jeez, shut up!

MIMES LOUD WHIRR Shut up!

Shut up! MIMES LOUD WHIRR

Hiya, Mum, y'all right?

Mum, I'm stuck! I'm stuck, it's got me! Mum, it's got me!

Mum, it's got me skin, it's got me skin!

It's got me skin, get the remote!

I hope nobody comes in late now.

Going t'casualty with that on you.

I just tripped, I fell into it.

I tried tracking, I've tried tracking, I've tried everything.

It's got me, love, it's got me.

What d'you mean three hours?

I were naked, yes.

Let's face it, we're lost.

How can we be lost if we don't know where we are?

There's no country pubs up here.

I'm going back, me.

You can't go back.

It's too far and it'll be dark soon.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

Well, let's get down here for t'night.

Sorry, for a second there, I thought you were actually suggesting

we sleep in the woods.

You've never been in the armed forces, have you, Patrick?

-Neither have you.

-Have I not?

I used to cry meself to sleep every night in the Yemen

dreaming of digs like this.

Now, come on, go and get some bracken and some wood

and we'll get a fire going.

-We can do this. Come on.

-YOU are on your arse.

When you used to have a video,

everyone used to have their own tapes, I used to love that.

Mum would have her tape, written on in Biro, "Mum's tape. Do not use."

"Soldier Soldier. Keep off."

"Thorn Birds. Leave it!"

And me dad, me dad used to have a night of labelling.

He used to get them stickers

that you get free with blank videos and get on t'floor,

put t'big light on...

Laughing - d'you do that?

Get them little numbers you get free.

"Number 12, number 13...

"Who's had all the threes off here?

"Eh? Where have all me number threes gone?

"I'm going to have to use a B now, turn it upside down,

"and bite the pissing end off, aren't I?

"Can't have nothing in this house!

"Eh? You look wi' your eyes, not wi' your hands!

"I had a pack of five JVC, thieving gits!"

Used to buy them an all, video library cases, d'you remember them?

They were like red imitation leather,

they made your video tapes look like books. You'd put 'em inside...

Used to put 'em in t'alcove, in t'corner, all lined up

like Encyclopaedia Britannica, in that wooden unit behind glass -

cos me dad were a dwarf.

His friends would come round -

"Hey, Mick, you're doing a lot of reading."

"They're not books, they're not...

"They look like books but they're not, come here.

"It's a video - hey presto!

"There's a tape in there, video, always thinking.

"E.T., that - pirate copy."

We gave that Ferguson Videostar to Gran and Grandad

when we got a new one from Tandy, a new video.

I remember going round one Christmas.

"Hello?" "We're in t'kitchen."

"What are you doing in here? Have you had a row?" "No."

"I thought you were taping Wizard Of Oz?" They said, "We are."

"So why don't you go and watch it?"

She went, "Well, we didn't want to talk cos it'll come out on t'video."

Me grandad used to put a cushion over t'clock!

Whenever they went out. Video clock.

"What are you doing?" "Putting a cushion over t'clock."

"Why?" "I'll tell you why.

"Because if any burglars are walking past,

"and they see that clock flashing,

"they'll be in and they'll bloody whip that thing away..."

I said, "Whip it away? It took three blokes to deliver, it's that big!"

Did you do that? Cushion on the clock!

Ah-ha, see? Now that's a fire.

I told you you'd enjoy yourself, didn't I?

MAX CHUCKLES

Oh, yeah, it's going to be good, this.

What's that you're burning?

I can't believe you burnt me drawings.

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were being serious.

Yeah, well, you better sleep with one eye open tonight, son,

d'you hear me?

MAX YELLS

Bloody stinging nettles!

I told you not to put them shorts on.

Well, I didn't know I were going to be sleeping out here, did I?

-Eh? Smart arse!

-All right, all right, keep your shorts on.

And if you miss any of these programmes now -

not that you can, cos they're looped every hour -

you can get on t'internet now, get an iPlayer or 4OD,

you can download... You can download onto your thigh-phone now!

You can watch it when you're going to work,

your battery only lasts six minutes, but...

My whole life's on charge. Are you the same?

I can't sleep at night for green flashing lights in t'bedroom.

I'm like, Christ Almighty! Bloody spaceship!

Texting? I've got that bad with texting now,

I don't even give me mum three rings when I get anywhere anymore.

I just text her the words, "Three rings." Send.

That's an illness.

That's a disease, that. I got a silent call on me home phone.

You know when they don't speak?

And I were coming out of t'bedroom in t'morning,

I answered it... "Hello?"

But I could hear someone breathing so I knew they were there.

"I can hear you breathing. Hello? Can you hear me?

"I can hear you breathing."

I thought, "It's some weirdo.

"Two can play at this game, dickhead. It's all right.

"You want a war, you've got a war." So I sat on t'stairs and I waited.

I waited for a good 40 minutes, I sat there -

and then it started freaking me out.

So I thought, "Oh, no, I've had enough of this." So I went...

I hung up, put it back in its holster in t'kitchen.

Anyway, I went off, I did some bits, like, I bleached me cloths.

And, er... Well, you've got to.

And then I came back after about 20 minutes,

and I picked it up again, and there were a dialling tone.

So I did 1471, and there were a number. I thought, "Ah!

"I've got you, bastard."

So I pressed 3 - and me mobile rang in me pocket.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I must have bent down in t'bedroom, picked me slippers up

and accidentally dialled our house,

so now I'm sat halfway down t'stairs,

listening to meself breathing via satellite for 40 minutes!

Cost me 62 pound, that call!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, good night!