Episode 6 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

Leonard has lived on his own since his mother's death 23 years ago.

He's unable to officially work

because he suffers from angina and is registered as disabled,

but he remains active

by participating in numerous charity events

and, of course, doing his paper round.

-How do you feel about tonight?

-It's fantastic. I've not slept.

I've a million and more things to do.

I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in.

I can't believe it. Me, getting an award!

I've never won anything before.

Oh, I tell a lie and close one eye.

I once won a paint by numbers set, but the blue was missing - ships.

And I once won a CB radio - it's here - for muscular dystrophy.

Here. 10-4, 10-4, good buddy. Eyeball.

This is Bernie's Boy, do you copy? Over.

I've got a convoy. It needs an aerial.

Do you ever get lonely?

No, never, never. I've lots of friends, you see.

I think if you've got lots of friends, loneliness...

Sorry. ..loneliness never shows its face.

I tried it once, for about half an hour, but I kept laughing.

The funny nun! She boxes for God.

She's like none other. Jab, Sister. Jab, jab!

Come on, Captain. Hometime.

I want to lock up.

Captain!

Time's time, cock. Ship ahoy!

Shit!

-Well?

-He's dead, Brian.

-Oh, my God! He CAN'T be dead.

-Who's going to do the bloody door now?

-Captain!

-Come on, Captain, lad, wake up.

-He can't hear you.

It's one of the conditions of being dead.

-I've never seen a dead body before.

-I've seen hundreds, me.

-I used to bag them up in 'Nam.

-We're going to swing for this.

-We'll swing for this.

-We didn't kill him!

We didn't kill him, no, but Smoky frigging Robinson did over there.

He's a psycho! How many more's he going to notch up?

I think he's had an asthma attack.

I'm not surprised with all this smoke!

-He was bad with angina and all.

-He was, he was.

-He was asthmatic.

-He was.

-He was asthmatic.

Put him in the Pennine suite.

-Why?

-Why? Because in here, it's murder.

Next door, it's natural causes. Go on, stick him in there.

-Oh, shit!

-Whoa, whoa!

I don't just deliver my papers.

I deliver the good news of the Lord as well.

I've always been a believer in something higher and divine.

God's been good to me, but not just to me - to us all.

He gave us the greatest gift - the gift of life.

And we should live it to the max.

Every day is a blessing, every day is a gift.

Life's an adventure, but people, they get so busy

living their lives, that they forget that he's there for them.

That's why I spread his good news. One God and one love.

Let's get together and feel all right. Bob Marley.

Hey, how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jam in. We're jammin' - get it? Are you having that one?

You all right, cockers? How you doing? All right? Lovely now.

Brighter, isn't it?

You ever been on television before?

I'm getting an award tonight, that's why they're with me.

For being the oldest paper boy -

well, paper man - in the country, yeah.

I might do your papers. You might have read about me. Do you believe?

I do. I found God in Fleetwood in 1970.

-Don't go near the road.

-Oh, stay away from the road.

Bless, kids. I used to be one.

Don't cry. It's all right, don't cry.

-It's OK. What's his name?

-Tommy.

Tommy, don't cry. I've got a joke for you.

Little lad says to his grandad, "Will you make a noise like a frog?"

His grandad said, "Why?"

He said, "Cos my dad said when you croak, we're going to Florida."

Are you having that one?

-Are you going to tell him to behave?

-No.

-Are you all right?

Are you all right? Up you go, little fellow. Up you go.

Hey! Get off me, you dick!

LAUGHTER

Who are these idiots that go home in their holiday clothes?

Who? Where are you?

Who...? What...? These people who travel home practically naked.

What do they think the weather's going to be like here? It's minus 6!

With vest tops and straw hats and shorts on.

# We're going home, we're going home, we're going home... #

With their duty-free clinking in the bag.

Hey! LAUGHTER

They're not laughing though.

No, they're not laughing at five o'clock in the morning,

-when they're grouchy as

-BLEEP

-and all their hair's stuck up,

half asleep, pissed off...

face all creased. "Grr, I'm half asleep." Getting off the plane.

"Move up, move up, get off the plane. Come on, get off."

Running. Baggage carousels. The baggage carousels.

You know, when they run for the baggage carousels.

"Get a trolley, get a trolley! Marie, get a trolley!

"Run, run! Hurry up!" Doing that running,

that run, where they run like that. "Get in, get in, get in.

"Get up, get up to it. There's a yellow line.

"Fuck that! Get right in. Get in, get in, get in.

"Right up to it. Get your trolley in. Connie, get your trolley in.

-"BLEEP,

-Connie, get back. Get in. Marie, ring Andrea.

"Tell her we're back. Go on. I can't do two things at once, can I?

I'll be here! Freezing, pissed off, with hair stuck up.

"I'm here, that's where I am!

"That's it. Right up to the yellow line.

"Right up to the thingy. Don't get... Connie, get in. Get in, love.

"Back, you! I'm in here!"

Like, angry.

"Where are they? Where are they? Come on, suitcase. Where are you?

"Come on suitcase!

"I'm freezing. Come on, bag. Come on, bag."

It's a bag. It's inanimate. LAUGHTER

"Suitcase, come on, suitcase. Where are you?"

Then that thing starts moving. Nothing comes.

"They're coming now.

"Where are these bags? I could have loaded these off myself!

"Where are they? Plane's only over there!

"I could have done this myself! Where are they?

"Quarter to six. Come on."

Oh, bags are off. They're off. They're all on the trolleys.

Some lad looking through the black flaps like that.

LAUGHTER

"They're all there, Steve." LAUGHTER

-"Are they? Oh,

-BLEEP.

"Another five minutes."

"Come on, come on! Where are you? Come on!"

"Are they freezing?" "Yeah, they're freezing, yeah."

LAUGHTER

"Where's that spare case? Where's that spare case?"

LAUGHTER

"Put that spare case on. Put that spare case on."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "That'll do."

"Come on! Come on!

"Oh, they're here now, they're here now. At last, eh!"

LAUGHTER

"Come on! What are you doing? One case at a time? God almighty!

"Come on, will you? Come on."

"Hey, Alan, where's that pram?

"Stick that pram on. Where's that pram?

"Yeah, put that pram on." LAUGHTER

"A pram! What's a pram doing? Quarter past six! Come on!"

It's like a violent Generation Game. "Come on!"

And they start coming through.

"Hey, here we are. Come on. This is ours here,

"with ribbon tied round the handle, so you know it's your bag.

"This is ours here. Come on. This is mine here.

"Get off it. It's my bag! Get off now! That's it.

"Put it back, dickhead. That's mine now.

"Not it's not. Let it go."

LAUGHTER

It amazes me how people can get bored with it.

My mum used to say, "How can you get bored with life

"when you don't know what's coming next?" It's true.

The thing I love most about doing my papers

is the different people I see, you know - so many.

I share their troubles and their happy times

and I watch the children grow up and get married and move on.

I think it's fascinating.

He said, "Cos my dad says when you croak, we're going to Florida."

Croak?

-I got your diabetic chocolate.

-Thanks very much.

-It might have melted a bit in my sack.

-Never mind, love.

Hey, I like your cagoule.

Yeah, well, you don't know, do you, what it's going to be like?

-It's raining then sunshine.

-I know.

-This weather, Leonard, it can't make its mind up. I blame NASA.

-What?

-Hey, you all set for tonight?

-I am, yeah.

-Course.

-I've got a million and one things to do.

-Ah.

-I best get a wriggle on.

-I'll see you tomorrow.

-Thanks for bring these for us, Leonard.

Ta-ra, love.

Hey, is that Turkey George?

Oi! That's Turkey George! Hey, do you know him?

He's a right character. He drives a big flash car. That's his car.

He has a boot full of turkeys.

He's at Bolton market on Tuesdays and Chorley market on Thursdays.

He sells them, as God is my witness.

"Turkey's going cheap".

That's his motto - "Going cheap", turkeys.

He's a right laugh. All right?

Yeah, not bad.

It's not him. It's not him.

LAUGHTER

I bought a paddling pool

and I spent all day pumping it up with a hand pump

and by the time I'd finished,

the sun was setting. And I had it outside,

and my mum came up and I said, "Do you like my paddling pool?"

And she said, "Don't leave it out in the sun. It'll pop."

LAUGHTER

And for a split second, I thought, "She's right."

So, I lifted it up and I rolled it straight onto a thorn bush!

LAUGHTER

-And it went... It went tsssss.

-Ah.

-And I actually started to fill up.

-Ah.

And I just thought, "What are you talking about?

"It'll pop in the heat! Why did I listen to you?"

But these are the joys of fatherhood.

I know, but... No, that's before we had children! That's six years ago!

LAUGHTER

Leonard calls at Harry Haroon's newsagent's,

the pick-up point for his afternoon round.

You all right?

Ooh, these are heavy!

Yeah, bastards have stuck a Tandy catalogue in this week.

Haven't you got your car, Leonard?

No, it's being mended, but I've got my trusty trolley,

-so it shouldn't take me long.

-All right then.

-All right.

-I won't be long. God bless.

-All right, take care.

See you. I wouldn't want to be you.

I mean, he's Leonard, really. He's harmless enough.

Just a bit eccentric, really.

He's done the papers round here for years, you know.

Used to do them with his mum, Bernie. She were a rum bugger.

She never let him go anywhere on his own, you know.

I can see him today, doing his paper round in all weathers,

pushing this huge pram round.

Ah, but it's good he's getting some sort of award, you know.

I mean, half the women round here would be lost without him.

What do you mean?

Well, they have him running errands left, right and bloody centre.

They have him painting, shopping, up ladders, down spouts.

One woman, last summer, had him lagging all her tanks.

It takes him three hours to do his bloody paper round.

-Harry, have you got any poppers?

-Are you blind? I'm filming!

Try them there. Pure gold. Blow your tits off.

No, at least Leonard's honest.

Half the lads dump their papers in the canal, you know.

-I'll have these then and that Twix.

-Will you shift?

Here we are in Bolton and me and the gang are in town

to do another Doorstep Challenge.

DOORBELL RINGS

I don't care whose it is! It's floating!

Hello, would you swap these two large packets of ordinary powder

for your one packet of biological powder?

Yeah, yeah.

Here you are.

#..The thundering rain and there's something in the air... #

INAUDIBLE

MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders

Bloody hell, look at all these!

Ah, come on. Come and see Auntie Kayleigh.

-Argh!

-Argh! He's on the car! HE BEEPS HORN

KAYLEIGH SCREAMS God almighty!

-Put the wipers on.

-Don't! You'll scare it!

Hip-yay! Go! There should be signs up.

This place has gone downhill.

-I'd love to have a little monkey, wouldn't you?

-No, I wouldn't.

-Argh!

-Oh, oh, they're fighting, they're fighting! Oh!

-Oh!

Oh, oh, they're on the back!

-Frig!

-They're trying to get in!

-Oh, oh!

-They're everywhere!

Hello, hello!

This is NOT a good day out!

Look at these! He's on your mirror! He's on your mirror!

-Ah, look at him, John.

-Get off!

-John!

-Bollocks to them! Look at this one on my wing mirror!

Oh, hello!

Off there now!

It's making me broody.

-How's THAT making you broody?

-Is it not you?

Look at this one here with his dick out. Bold as brass. Oh, look at it.

This is wrong, this! We should be at work.

-You'd rather be at work than see that?

-Yeah.

What you doing? Wait, don't... Don't take a picture!

Our Mandy will love that!

-KAYLEIGH LAUGHS

-She'll have that as her screensaver.

With only a few hours to go until the start of the awards,

Leonard makes a special visit

to mobile hairdresser and long-time family friend Jackie Busher.

Hiya, cockers, are you ready for your four o'clock?

Well, I was at four o'clock! It's quarter to five now. Come in.

HE QUACKS Hey, that duck's back.

-Hey, you!

-Hey.

-This is my Auntie Jackie. Say hello, Jackie.

-Hello.

-What we having for dinner?

-You, on a butty.

Right, what you having, handsome? Some highlights? Streaks?

-Streaks? What will my girlfriend say?

-You probably killed them all.

LEONARD CHUCKLES

CAR APPROACHES

Nice here, isn't it?

Used to some here all the time when I were a kid, with my dad.

We used to get train over.

RADIO PLAYS DROPS OF JUPITER BY TRAIN

What's that?

What the hell's that?

What the fuck? MONKEY GROWLS

-Get out quick!

-What?

-There's a monkey on the roof!

-Argh!

Go on, get off!

-Yip-yay.

-Oh, it's a little baby one.

-Little baby?

-The bastard will rip your face off! Get back!

-Don't be daft.

-Want some Curly Wurly? Yes, you do.

-Don't give it a Curly Wurly!

-MONKEY GROWLS

-Oh.

MONKEY GROWLS

Christ, that were a struggle! Little swine!

-You all right?

-All right? I'm cut to bloody ribbons. Look at my clothes!

This is every shade of wrong, this. We're going to get screwed for this.

-Kidnapping a monkey is a serious crime.

-Well, it wasn't OUR fault.

I can't believe we drove all the way with him on the roof

and nobody stopped us.

I wondered why all those cars were flashing us.

How are we going to get him back?

You think they'd notice a missing monkey.

-Did they not do a head count?

-Maybe he's not from there.

-RADIO:

-# While riding home in my car

# My happy radio is never too far... #

You'd have liked my mum.

You'd have liked her.

Mum used to say she had a bad time with me,

said she were in labour for 36 hours

and then nurse noticed they hadn't taken her tights off.

FILM-MAKER LAUGHS

That's not a joke. That's true, that.

I know people think I'm odd, you know.

But I think everybody's odd.

You, what hand do you wipe your bum with, you?

Go on, what hand do you wipe your bum with?

-My left hand.

-Ha, you see, I use toilet paper. Eh?

Eh? Who's odd now? YOU are.

LAUGHTER

Look what I found backstage!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

LAUGHTER

-Do you want to rock? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-I said do you want to rock? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

HE "PLAYS" ELECTRIC GUITAR

LAUGHTER

HE "PLAYS" INTRO TO WHATEVER YOU WANT BY STATUS QUO

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE CHEERS

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

HE "PLAYS" WHATEVER YOU WANT BY STATUS QUO

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

HE MOUTHS

LAUGHTER

# When the day is dawning

# On a Texas Sunday morning

# Is this the way to Amarillo

# And sweet Marie who waits for me?

# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la-la

# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la-la

# Sha-la-la, la-la, la-la-la

# And Marie who waits for me. #

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, it's closed.

-Closed?!

You're having a laugh! I've got a monkey on board.

How can it be closed? There must be a number or something. Anything?

-No, there's a website.

-That'll do.

-Give us your phone.

-No internet. Nothing.

-Oh!

-Is there a number?

-Have you got any receipt or anything?

-Hold on, hold on.

-Here we go. There's a number on the receipt there.

-That'll do.

Hang on a minute. KAYLEIGH KISSES AT THE MONKEY

-What's it doing?

-He's eating a Werther's.

Jesus, get it off it! It'll choke. We can't bring it back if it's dead!

-It's just spat it out. He doesn't like them either.

-No bugger does.

PHONE RINGS Bluetooth.

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-Welcome to Seaview Safari Park.

Sorry, but we've all gone home for the day

-and all our animals are tucked up in bed.

-This one's not!

We're open every day except Christmas. For more information...

What about when you're shut? Neh! That can't be it!

What kind of show are they running? I said this place had gone downhill.

-What are we going to do now?

-Um...

-RSPCA? They do animals.

-Do we not just call the police?

-Let them deal with it.

-The police?

-Oh, we're supposed to be keeping a low profile!

-Oh, I'll just call 999.

-Is it an emergency?

-Yeah, I'll say!

Just nearly lost a nose! Little bastard!

-RADIO:

-This is a lovely raspberry compote tune.

OK, thanks. Bye. They'll be here as soon as they can.

-That's all we need.

-What are we doing?

I'm trying to get it to sleep. Is it working?

-OMG! You've got to get a picture of this, John.

-Why, what is he doing?

-He's got Sophie's sunglasses on. It's so cute!

-Get them off his head!

It's like a little Elton John. Clever!

I can't believe this is happening. It's like some shit comedy.

RADIO PLAYS HIPS DON'T LIE BY SHAKIRA

Take music up. Get it to sleep. Hips don't lie.

Oh, the dirty little bastard!

-Hey, hey, hey!

-What just happened?

It just took a piss! That's what happened!

John, is this dangerous? Have we got a monkey virus?

Can you smell that? That's potent!

-That is strong piss!

-Eurgh!

It's leaving its scent.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Double shovel!

HE "PLAYS" INTRO TO EYE OF THE TIGER BY SURVIVOR

FIREWORKS EXPLODE

# When I wake up

# Well, I know I'm going to be

# I'm going to be the man who wakes up next to you

# And when I go out

# Well, I know I'm going to be

# I'm going to be the man who goes along with you

# And I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles

# To fall down at your door

-# Da da da da AUDIENCE:

-Da da da da

-# Da da da da AUDIENCE:

-Da da da da

# Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da, come on!

-# Da da da da AUDIENCE:

-Da da da da

-# Da da da da AUDIENCE:

-Da da da da

# Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I played a shovel!

A round of applause there, please, for Doreen Gash,

Bolton's Best Lollipop Lady, 1999.

We're reaching the end of the ceremony.

It's nearly time for Leonard to step up and receive his award.

Now, we come to the final award of this prestigious evening,

the Graham Whitehead Award for Achievement in the Bolton Community.

A very special award this year.

Someone who's touched all our hearts over the years and our letterboxes.

And here to present the award, a very special guest indeed.

They've just... Or should I say "guests".

They've just hotfooted it across

from the current production of Oliver!

Please welcome TV's own Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Thank you.

It's an honour, an honour and a privilege

to be here at your award ceremony, isn't it, Spit?

SPIT SPITS

So, without further ado, I'm going to present an award

to a man whose recognition is long overdue.

Not unlike some of his newspapers!

So, the 1999 Graham Whitehead Award

for Achievement in the Bolton Community

goes to Leonard de Tomkinson. Come on, Leonard!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

Congratulations, Leonard. Well done.

No wonder the dogs go for you, smelling like that, Leonard.

It's like a very fine French brothel. No it isn't like a brothel.

What do you mean you didn't know flares had come back into fashion.

That's a lovely tailored demob suit. No, it isn't.

What hand... What hand do you wipe your bum with?

Do you want to say a few words, Leonard?

Um...

Er...

I don't know what to say now.

Little lad says to his grandad, "Will you make a noise like a frog?"

His grandad said, "Why?"

Cheers, guv, thanks.

-That's that.

-Oh, did you hear it crying?

Bollocks to it!

Seen the state of my back seat? It still stinks of piss in here.

Smells like sugar puffs.

I've a good mind to send them the cleaning bill.

-That bobby says it's happening twice a week.

-What a shame.

Back in its cage now. Do you think it'll miss us?

LAUGHTER

No, I do not.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tim, can you take those lights down a bit, please, sir?

Oh, no, a touch more. A touch more.

LAUGHTER Take the piss!

# I've taken my bows

# And my curtain calls

# You brought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it

# I thank you all

# But it's been no bed of roses

# No pleasure cruise

# I consider this a challenge before all the human race

# And I'll never lose

# We are the champions, my friends

# And we'll keep on fighting till the end

# We are the champions

# We are the champions

# No time for losers

# Cos we are the champions

# We are the champions, my friends

# And we'll keep on fighting till the end

# We are the champions

# We are the champions

# No time for losers

# Cos we are the champions

# Of the world. #

EXPLOSION

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE