Christmas Special: No Way Out Porridge


Christmas Special: No Way Out

Christmas special of the classic sitcom from 1975. The festive season falls upon HMP Slade and finds the inmates planning a jailbreak.


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Transcript


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Norman Stanley Fletcher, you pleaded guilty to the charges.

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It is now my duty to pass sentence.

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You're an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.

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We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.

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You will go to prison for five years.

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MEN SING: # The holly and the ivy

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# When they are both full grown,

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# Of all the trees that are in the wood

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# The holly bears the crown

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# The rising of the sun, And the running of the deer

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# The playing of the merry organ... #

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SINGING DRIFTS UP

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Ta.

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Making a card? Yeah. It's for my brother George.

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It's not very seasonal, is it? It IS for George - he's only allowed it once a year.

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Can you hear the carols? Yeah, shut the door. Don't you like it?

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They only know four carols. And some of the words are a bit suspect.

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Shepherds didn't wear socks in them days.

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I find it rather moving - all them blokes united in exultation.

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Don't be daft. They're drowning the row of Tommy Slocombe's tunnelling!

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Tunnelling? Yeah, it's not the coming of our Lord, it's the going of Tommy Slocombe!

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Nobody tells me nothing. It was a secret between him, six baritones, 12 tenors and a soprano!

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We've got a soprano?! We've got lotsa-pranos here, mate!

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Watch out for the baritones, too. DEEP VOICE: "Hello, sonny..."

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Where's the tunnel?

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Where's the choir? Outside Cell 28. It's three foot under Cell 29, then.

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Give us a biscuit. At least it brings an air of festivity into our existence.

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There's a carol service and a tree, too. Very useful, that tree.

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Yeah, them dingly-danglies hide a multitude of sins, you know.

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Even the fairy's got two ounces of tobacco stuffed up her tutu!

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No wonder she looks uncomfortable.

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Where did it come from?

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The Governor's office. It was a present for Mr Mackay. Welsh George did a nifty switch.

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What did he leave in its place? He left an identical gift-wrapped parcel.

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What's in it? Well, if he uses it for putty, his windows will fall out!

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What's Christmas Day like in here, Fletch?

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Slightly less 'orrible than the other days. The Governor don't dress up as Santa Claus, you know.

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Yeah, but we get turkey, don't we?

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They CALL it turkey, but we can't be sure.

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If it IS, then last year's turkey must have been a very funny shape -

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28 legs and no breast!

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Like Lulu and the Young Generation!

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Hey, that's really good. Can I use it in my after-dinner speech?

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Do we get Christmas pudding with cream?

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It's that artificial muck like shaving cream.

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And the wheeler-dealers are busy at this time of year. Genial Harry Grout has granted a few franchises.

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And young Terry's flogging mistletoe to the poofters.

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People forget the real meaning of Christmas. It's so commercial.

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What do you expect from Mackay?

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Christmas Day'll be OK, though? Not this year -

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thanks to that flaming tunnel.

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It spells disaster to us all.

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Tommy Slocombe has ONLY chosen to make his break on Christmas Eve! He won't get through the traffic.

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Only six more digging days left to Christmas, then! It's not funny, Godber.

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This escape will implicate us all.

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Slocombe's a nurk. Nobody will help HIM.

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Slocombe's related to a big villain who's a mate of genial Harry Grout.

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Now, Harry's got the word to get the kid out for Christmas.

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So, if we are asked to assist, we cannot refuse, can we, eh?

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We'd wake up one morning and find two more things hanging on the tree!

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US! Right?

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I ain't going down no tunnel. I get claustrophobia.

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Do you? Yeah, it started when I was stuck in a chimney for two hours. Oh, yeah? What happened?

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I was going to turn over this house and the chimney was the only way in.

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My victims came home and found my feet sticking out the fireplace. I got away, though.

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Did the police get a description?

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Yeah, but I was covered in soot. They probably looked for a blue-eyed negro in a black suit!

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There was two of you, then? No, I was... Oh, never mind.

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So, that's why I'm claustrophobic. Well, it might get you off tunnelling duties,

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but I tell you, when Slocombe's out of it, we'll be well IN it.

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It'll upset the equilibrium of prison life. Equilibrium?

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It'll tilt the balance of power between the law and the villain.

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It'll push the system a bit too far.

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Well, there's nothing WE can do, is there?

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I know what I'M doing. I'm gonna be well out of it. How? I'm going away for Christmas.

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Where to? Majorca (?)

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Nah, everyone goes to Majorca, don't they?

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I thought the prison hospital, for a change.

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It's the only holiday you get here, and it gets me away from retaliation by the screws over this escape.

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You'll never get past the doctor.

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What's wrong with you? It's my knee.

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I never knew you had a bad knee. That's because I've kept it up my sleeve!

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Or, to be precise, up my trouser leg.

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What's wrong with it? Cartilage.

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What are you laughing at? I've lived with the pain for years.

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Lately, due to the damp weather, the pain has become unbearable.

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Which knee is it? Eh? Which knee?

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That one.

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..Or is it that one?

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Ooh! Am I hurting you?

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Yeah, but you've got your job to do.

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It's a bad burn. I know!

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What are you so pleased about?

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It's no use getting hurt here if it's trivial.

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I can't work with this hand. I must reluctantly agree.

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But I think I could make it to the infirmary...

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You're confined to your cell for three days.

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I can't manage in a cell alone, with my hand tied up.

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It may not look much, but...

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You are NOT going to the sick bay. Understood?

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You don't like having us in your infirmary. No, the sheets get dirty. Next!

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Hold this dressing in place. I'll bandage you up shortly. Give me your card.

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Out of here, Fletcher! I've got my card.

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Out, out, out! I'm sick. OUT!

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I'm entitled.

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I can tell at a glance if a man is sick or not. YOU'RE a perfect specimen of manhood.

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I haven't come about THAT - it's my knee.

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What's wrong with your knee?

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Ask me to stand on one leg. What?!

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Ask me to stand on one leg. Go on, ask!

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All right. Stand on one leg!

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And you call yourself a doctor!

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Get up, Fletcher. I don't think I can. Sit in the chair.

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What is it? I'll show you.

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There it is. There is what? There's my KNEE.

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I know it's a knee, Fletcher. I learnt that at medical school.

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You didn't learn about this kind of knee. It's the old trouble again.

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What trouble? Laziness? Cartilage!

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It's all in my records. I have an official history of knee trouble.

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I don't believe you. So, check it out.

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Why am I doing this?

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Because there's just a chance that I'm telling the truth.

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What's that? A Christmas cake - I get one every year.

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Who for? The infirmary patients. There aren't any!

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True. I give it to the wife.

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That's good for a prison, eh? What?

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A file with a cake in it! Get it?

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Oh, yeah! Very witty, Fletch. I know.

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Hey, were you ever in the Masons?

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My God, it's true! Maidstone jail, 1967, cartilage.

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Footballers get that, and groin strain. Little chance of THAT in here!

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OK, you had surgery on your left knee, but it was YEARS ago.

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And I've been in pain ever since. I don't complain, do I? No, never.

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Even when he's crawling along like a wounded bloodhound.

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All right, all right! I'm not after sympathy.

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What ARE you after?

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Well, when the pain gets unbearable, I have to lie down for a week or so.

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You mean, a week in the infirmary? Yeah, maybe.

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Ah, I see. Well, let me tell you something.

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Of all the prisons in the north, my infirmary has the lowest record of admissions.

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Donaldson, who's serving five years for embezzlement,

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will get a Barclaycard before you get into my infirmary! OUT!

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Well...on your head be it, doctor.

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Fletcher, I KNOW you. I know you're going to make an issue of this.

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So, what I'll do is cut it out before it goes any further.

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Amputate?!

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That'll get you in the infirmary!

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I'm sending you to a civilian hospital for X-ray and examination.

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You'll be back in a day, and then the matter will be closed!

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Why waste the taxpayers' money? I just need to lie down, that's all.

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Out, Fletcher. You're a liar and a malingerer.

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Harsh words, doctor, in this season of goodwill to all men.

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I hope your conscience pricks you!

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You can say a prayer for me on Christmas Day. Next!

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I will, but I'll have to pray standing up because of my bad knee!

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Aaargh! Ooh!

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Hey, Fletch. Shut the door. You're blowing my chains about.

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Harry Grout's coming to see you.

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What?! Yeah, he's on his way. Oh, Gawd.

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He wants some favour pertaining to the Slocombe escape.

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Hello, Harry. Hello, Fletcher.

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What a rare privilege. You don't usually drop in on people. They usually have to drop in on YOU.

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And if they don't, you drop things on THEM!

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You always WERE a joker, Fletcher.

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Yeah, yeah, I was...up to now.

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What brings you to our humble abode?

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Wanted to get out of my cell for a while.

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Change of air? No, the warders are putting up my decorations.

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There you are, sonny. Go to the pictures or something.

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Oh, yeah. Thank you.

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Shut the door.

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Sit down, Fletch.

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Oh, thanks very much.

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I like the smell of a nice cigar(!)

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I can't offer you anything festive, Grouty.

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I'm not in a festive mood, Fletch.

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A tunnel's being dug. Have you heard?

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When they stop singing, yeah.

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Slocombe's a relative of friends of mine outside. They want him sprung.

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Oh, yeah. His dad was Billy the Ponce Slocombe. Got out of Brixton in 1972? Where did he end up, then?

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He emerged on some Caribbean island where the authorities took advantage of his criminal experience. How?

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They made him Chief of Police! He certainly had style, the old man.

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Trouble is, I have to arrange the disappearance of his idiot offspring.

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Ah, delicate, Grouty. Extremely.

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If only I could help you...

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You CAN, my son. Oh, Gawd.

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You're going out tomorrow. For an X-ray!

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Still, you'll be on the outside. Our friends can take advantage of that.

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But how?! There'll be a package.

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Someone, somewhere, sometime. No sweat.

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Look, I'll be under constant escort. I'm not going Christmas shopping, you know!

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It's only a SMALL package.

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A blank passport. Inky Stevens needs one to give Slocombe a new identity.

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Wouldn't it be more sensible to get a passport when he's outside?

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Normally, yes. But Inky Stevens is the finest forger in England. And he's INSIDE.

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Yeah, yeah...

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I won't be ungrateful, Fletch. Good.

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There'll be something extra in your Christmas stocking.

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Besides your bad knee, that is!

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CAROL SINGING

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Oh, I like this one.

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# ..Great tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy,

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BOTH: # Great tidings of comfort and joy. #

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Haven't you forgotten something?

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What? Your limp!

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All right, mock the afflicted.

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You're not sick, as your X-rays will prove.

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Let's call it off, then. I can live with the pain. Ho, ho.

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No, the hospitals are busy enough. I'll just hobble back to my cell.

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Fletcher!

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In!

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Mr Barrowclough has to finish his Christmas shopping.

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OK, doc, I can take it. Give it to me straight.

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I'm afraid I have bad news, Mr Fletcher. You have?

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Yes, you have a perfectly healthy knee.

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It's an attractive knee, Mr Fletcher.

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Not as attractive as yours, nurse.

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I bet THEY have a happy Christmas!

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Enough! You're old enough to be her father!

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Impossible. I'm not from round here! It's also a HEALTHY knee.

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Yeah, but you can't photograph pain.

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- When does the pain start? - When he wants a spell in hospital!

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That's not true, Mr Barrowclough.

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It's like Piccadilly Circus in here.

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Can I get you some coffee? No, just get us back home, please.

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I'D like some. It's all milk. I only get half and half at home.

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Half and half? Half milk, half water.

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Well, if it's not too much trouble, miss. It's very sweet of you to ask.

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Sure you don't fancy some?

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Er, not COFFEE, no.

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Oh, what a charming girl.

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Look at you. Chapel hat pegs!

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You're more sex-starved than what I am, ain't yer? Oh, dear.

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How long do we have to sit here?

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What IS the matter with you, Fletcher? You're very ill at ease.

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Now, enjoy yourself. Have another biscuit.

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It's your attitude. All this bonhommie just 'cos it's Christmas.

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Mr Mackay'll be tucking us up at night soon!

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Now, Fletcher, Mr Mackay is no different from anyone else.

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Outside, you'll find he's quite amiable.

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Amiable?! On Tuesday, he patted a dog.

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It was the Governor's boxer.

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Oh, yeah? What happened? It bit him.

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Oh, dear. He had to have a rabies injection.

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The dog, you mean! It's not funny, Fletcher.

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I'm like the Governor's dog - conditioned to mistrust in an atmosphere of mutual contempt.

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I shall relax when...

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(..when I'm locked up and you're insulting me again.)

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You're spoiling my day out. Oh, forgive me.

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I get fed up, just like you do. This has been a break for me.

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What would you normally be doing? I was off duty. I volunteered today.

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What?! You could have been with your lady wife.

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Yes...that's why I volunteered. Oh!

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Let me help you, miss.

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I brought one extra, in case. Oh...

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Please excuse our friend. He's a bit morose today.

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Can I say something to him? Oh, by all means, my dear.

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Fletcher, the young lady wishes to address you. Oh, yeah?

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We know who you are and know this must be a sad time for you.

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So, the radiologists and I want to give you something.

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Not much, but it's the thought that counts.

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It's a very nice thought, isn't it, Fletcher?

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Yes...it is. Very nice, indeed.

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I can't say I'm not...touched.

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In fact, I'm...er...

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..I'm deeply moved. Thank you. Can I open it now?

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No! Not before Christmas Day!

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Oh! Oh, yeah, I see!

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Oh, no, oh, no. Spoil the surprise, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah.

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Oh, yeah. Oh, Christ...yeah...

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Well done, my son.

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It gave me palpitations, Grouty. Right under Barrowclough's nose!

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He was put off by the day out, her legs and two Johnnie Walkers!

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Smart bird, Sandra. Yeah.

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Does she work there? Nah. All it took was some nerve and a white coat.

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Oh, I see. MY nerve nearly went.

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Oh, not you, Fletch. You're a dab hand.

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I'm sorry your knee got a clean bill of health. Eh?

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Perhaps I could do you a favour.

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..How do you mean, Harry? A couple of my lads could have a go at it.

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Damage it beyond dispute.

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Oh, no, no. I think I'll pass that one up, if you don't mind, Grouty.

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Please yourself. Just thought I'd mention it.

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Because I would like a bit more help. Oh, Harry, haven't I done my bit?

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You see, it's the tunnel. Oh, no. Look, the lad gets claustrophobia, and look at me - a ferret I ain't!

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It's nothing physical. I just want you in the choir.

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Oh, yeah.

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They've come up against a noisy bit. We need as much fortissimo as possible.

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Oh, I enjoy a good sing.

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We sang a lot at Maidstone jail, working on the farm.

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Hymns, mostly. One of our favourites was "We Plough the Fields and Scatter"!

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Lots of 'em DID, too!

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Right, is that it, then? NOT quite. Just one tiny thing.

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What now, Grouty? It's essential to the success of our venture. Well?

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A bicycle.

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Oh, certainly(!) What colour?

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REPLY TAPPING

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# The first Noel, The angel did say,

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# Was to certain poor shepherds In fields as they lay,

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# In fields they lay there Keeping their sheep,

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# On a cold winter's night that was so deep.

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# Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel... #

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What's this, Mr Barrowclough? I want to ask you three something serious.

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Why us three? Because you were in the yard when I arrived for work.

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You engaged me in a silly discussion about the '62 Cup Final. So, I want to ask you this.

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Where is my bike?

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What bike is this, Mr Barrowclough?

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The one I cycle on. You have a bike?

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Yes, the doctor advised me to take more exercise.

0:24:360:24:41

- I had a bike once. - So did I!

0:24:410:24:44

I want to know what's become of it.

0:24:440:24:46

So, you're saying that prior to our chat, you were the owner of a bike?

0:24:460:24:51

And now you're the former owner of a bike? That's what I'm saying.

0:24:510:24:56

So, you're saying that you came to work as a cyclist and will leave as a pedestrian?

0:24:560:25:03

Yes.

0:25:030:25:05

Yes, yes!

0:25:050:25:07

You're linking our discussion with the theft of your alleged bicycle?

0:25:070:25:12

It's NOT alleged. When did you last see your bike? When I got off it!

0:25:120:25:19

Are you sure you had it on you?

0:25:190:25:21

Why would I wear these? To stop things falling out of your trousers!

0:25:210:25:27

If we were talking, how could we palm your bike? Diverting tactics.

0:25:270:25:33

This sounds dodgy to me. Dodgy?

0:25:330:25:36

It's got all the classic elements of an insurance swindle, this has. How dare you?!

0:25:360:25:43

You said we were bicycle thieves.

0:25:430:25:45

I saw that film - an early example of Italian neo-realism.

0:25:450:25:50

You're as impossible as ever.

0:25:500:25:52

I thought that at this time of year you might have...

0:25:520:25:57

It's just my naive, trusting nature. Serves me right.

0:25:570:26:01

Come on, Warren. Where to?

0:26:010:26:04

To your cell, for a thorough search.

0:26:040:26:07

If I find anything resembling a pump in your trousers, you're for it!

0:26:070:26:12

Pull yourself together, Mr Barrowclough. It's your fault.

0:26:130:26:18

Never turn your back on them! I feel you encourage trust by showing trust.

0:26:180:26:25

They're criminals! They're also human beings.

0:26:250:26:28

Right, but CRIMINAL human beings.

0:26:280:26:31

They take advantage of you. You lack discipline, you're gullible.

0:26:310:26:36

I sometimes try to trust them.

0:26:360:26:39

Whenever a prisoner makes a request, a warder must ask himself, "What is he up to?"

0:26:390:26:46

Treat even the simplest request with suspicion.

0:26:460:26:50

A prisoner ties his shoelace. Question: what is he hiding in his sock?

0:26:500:26:57

I know that. But they can't hide a bicycle in a sock!

0:26:570:27:01

Come on, man. Did we ever find any trace of our billiard table?

0:27:010:27:06

We found the red ball.

0:27:090:27:11

They'll have dismantled your bike in an instant.

0:27:110:27:15

If it's anything like the billiard table, you'll get your rear light back! It just seems so pointless.

0:27:150:27:24

Oh, no. There's always a point.

0:27:240:27:26

My antennae tell me something's afoot.

0:27:260:27:30

Think, man. Have they asked you any seemingly innocent favour?

0:27:300:27:35

No, no. Oh, they did ask one thing, but...

0:27:350:27:39

What was it? They asked me to help at the carol service.

0:27:390:27:43

And you trusted them?! Once you turn your back on them, you're finished.

0:27:430:27:48

But I WON'T - I'm conducting.

0:27:480:27:51

I think I'll conduct a little enquiry. Who's running this club?

0:27:540:28:00

# ..last looked out, On the feast of Stephen.

0:28:000:28:05

# When the snow lay round about, Deep and crisp and even,

0:28:050:28:12

# Brightly shone the moon that... #

0:28:120:28:15

Silence!

0:28:150:28:18

# When a Scotsman came in sight... # That'll do, Fletcher!

0:28:180:28:25

Stay still! Don't breathe.

0:28:280:28:31

Not anyone!

0:28:310:28:33

DISTANT TAPPING

0:28:330:28:37

What is that noise?

0:28:370:28:40

Central heating, sir.

0:28:400:28:43

REPLY TAPPING

0:28:510:28:55

I didn't know you was a plumber, Mr Mackay.

0:28:560:29:00

I think you've fixed it.

0:29:000:29:02

All right...

0:29:030:29:05

Back to your cells, the lot of you!

0:29:050:29:09

We need more rehearsal. There won't be any more!

0:29:090:29:13

It's Christmas, innit? You have forfeited the right to Christmas.

0:29:130:29:18

How? Through a series of events culminating in the disappearance of Mr Barrowclough's bicycle.

0:29:180:29:26

Now, I can't prove anything,

0:29:270:29:30

but that technicality will not affect my judgment in the least.

0:29:300:29:35

Stand still, Fletcher.

0:29:350:29:38

You've been put here to keep crime off the streets, and I'm not having you bringing it into my prison.

0:29:380:29:45

Remember that we have a solitary confinement area, with which... you will become only too familiar,

0:29:470:29:56

if you continue to practise the contemptible habits that landed you here in the first place. Clear?!

0:29:560:30:04

All right, the lot of you! Back to your cells! Move!

0:30:040:30:08

DISGRUNTLED MUTTERING

0:30:080:30:12

You've just stifled what could have been the start of a religious revival in here.

0:30:190:30:26

In spite of everything, sir, a very merry Christmas.

0:30:260:30:30

Oh, and a merry Christmas to Mrs Barrowclough, too.

0:30:300:30:34

Oh, come on, move it along...

0:30:350:30:38

..er...Lukewarm.

0:30:380:30:41

Oh, yes. That's the only attitude they respect.

0:30:410:30:45

The only attitude that'll wipe out this wave of insubordination.

0:30:450:30:50

I suppose you're right. Oh! Could you countersign my report?

0:30:500:30:56

Very well.

0:30:560:30:58

I seem to have mislaid my pen.

0:31:020:31:05

Where's my wallet?

0:31:060:31:09

Mr Barrowclough...I've been mugged!

0:31:120:31:15

That's impossible, sir. We've only been here a minute. We came in at...

0:31:150:31:21

Where's my watch?

0:31:240:31:26

It's on the noticeboard. It's official.

0:31:300:31:33

What is? Christmas is cancelled.

0:31:330:31:37

It says, "There will be no Christmas Eve, Christmas Day or Boxing Day.

0:31:370:31:43

"Just 24th, 25th, 26th December."

0:31:430:31:45

No point in these, then. I TOLD you.

0:31:450:31:48

About disturbing the equilibrium? It's been turned upside down. Innit marvellous, eh?

0:31:480:31:56

You go right through the year, keeping your nose clean.

0:31:560:32:00

Then suddenly, sheer intimidation drops us right in the Yuletide clarts!

0:32:000:32:07

And as for Lukewarm's robbery...

0:32:070:32:09

Grouty told him to. They needed Mackay's wallet for the getaway car.

0:32:090:32:15

They didn't need Barrowclough's Timex, though!

0:32:150:32:19

Force of flamin' habit, that was.

0:32:190:32:22

Grouty's really messed this up.

0:32:220:32:25

He's badly organised it, he's badly timed it, he's... Hello, Harry!

0:32:250:32:30

I was just saying what a pity your brilliant strategy came to naught.

0:32:300:32:35

Well, you know... Best laid plans...

0:32:350:32:38

Should I go to the pictures?

0:32:380:32:41

No, son, sit down. No secrets now.

0:32:410:32:44

It's a bad business.

0:32:460:32:49

My friends will bear malice. They wouldn't be that heartless.

0:32:490:32:54

Why not? I would.

0:32:540:32:56

Excuse me, Mr Grouty. Couldn't you reactivate the tunnel later? Nah.

0:32:560:33:01

He was off course, anyway!

0:33:010:33:04

That Slocombe's an idiot. He nearly came up in the laundry last week.

0:33:040:33:10

So, is this tunnel now defunct?

0:33:100:33:13

Yes, except for the contraband store. I've just had an idea. Oh, yeah?

0:33:130:33:19

If the screws were to find that tunnel, it would do two things.

0:33:190:33:24

It'd restore equilibrium 'cos they'd be so pleased with themselves,

0:33:240:33:29

AND it'd look like the escape route.

0:33:290:33:32

Yeah, but it WAS.

0:33:320:33:34

Not now. It's a red herring, see?

0:33:340:33:38

While they're still congratulating themselves, you can get Tommy away in a dustcart or something.

0:33:380:33:45

'Ere, you HAVE had a thought, Fletch.

0:33:450:33:49

It'll save yer face, Grouty. That it would.

0:33:490:33:53

A perfect plan. You're not wrong, son. Tip the Governor off, then.

0:33:530:33:58

No. I think MACKAY should find it.

0:33:580:34:01

Give me the plan of the tunnel, and I might arrange that he drops right in it!

0:34:010:34:08

Ah, Fletcher.

0:34:090:34:11

I'm told you want a word with me.

0:34:160:34:18

Yes, just a seemingly innocent stroll away from prying ears. Know what I mean? Ah, yes.

0:34:180:34:27

I know you see me as an adversary, Mr Mackay, but we're old hands at this game, eh?

0:34:290:34:36

There's you and there's us, and we don't push each other too far. True.

0:34:360:34:41

We maintain a tolerable rhythm, seasoning our mutual contempt with mutual respect.

0:34:410:34:48

What are you getting at, Fletcher? Can we get away from these eavesdroppers?

0:34:480:34:55

You were saying?

0:35:010:35:03

I was about to say...

0:35:040:35:07

..I hate to see your authority undermined.

0:35:070:35:11

And?

0:35:110:35:12

Oh, I just wanted to articulate those views. Can we move on a bit?

0:35:120:35:18

If there's any point.

0:35:180:35:20

I think it would be a step in the right direction.

0:35:200:35:24

I wish you would be more specific, Fletcher.

0:35:270:35:30

I think I've gone far enough.

0:35:300:35:33

HE CONTINUES STAMPING

0:35:390:35:44

It's a bit parky, innit?

0:35:440:35:47

Look, I haven't come out here to discuss the weather! Nor have I.

0:35:470:35:51

This is pointless. Hang on. You might learn something to your advantage.

0:35:510:35:57

You're trying to distract me. I'm not falling for it.

0:35:570:36:02

No, you're not, are you(!)

0:36:040:36:07

Mr Mackay, I'm trying to explain my position. Argh!

0:36:080:36:12

Morning, Fletch. Morning, my son.

0:36:340:36:36

Christmas is reinstated. Yes, I'm eating it!

0:36:360:36:40

Merry Christmas.

0:36:400:36:42

Oh!

0:36:420:36:44

Cuban cigars? They're from Grouty. Where did he get them?

0:36:440:36:49

I dunno. Where did B-Block get their goose?

0:36:490:36:53

That's from me. A bit mundane after cigars, but I knitted them myself.

0:36:530:36:58

Ah...did yer? Ain't that nice? They're lovely.

0:36:580:37:02

I'll wear that one when the bandage is off.

0:37:020:37:06

They're mittens! Eh?

0:37:060:37:09

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

0:37:140:37:16

Grouty apologises for being 18 inches out in his directions. He blames it on Slocombe.

0:37:190:37:26

He should have knitted them for you!

0:37:260:37:29

Well, it all worked out, didn't it? Yeah, you're in hospital.

0:37:290:37:33

The screws are chuffed about the tunnel.

0:37:330:37:37

Compliments of the season, Fletcher. See?

0:37:370:37:41

Pardon? Nothing. Cut along, Godber. You'll miss your Christmas lunch.

0:37:410:37:46

See you later, Fletch. Yes, my son.

0:37:460:37:49

I'll get you a Get-Well-Slowly card!

0:37:490:37:52

Well, Mr Mackay, you look flushed.

0:37:580:38:00

Been to the Governor's sherry party. Everyone's jolly, except the doctor - he's lost his cake!

0:38:000:38:07

Look! What? A present from the Governor. Pipe tobacco, I imagine.

0:38:090:38:15

Oh, yeah...

0:38:150:38:17

I should open it when you get home.

0:38:170:38:20

I will. I look forward to that(!)

0:38:200:38:23

Fletcher, I just want to say that I appreciate what you did in the yard.

0:38:240:38:29

Oh? Oh, yes. Just between you and me, Fletcher.

0:38:290:38:34

I don't understand. Of course not. But, as you say, we're old hands.

0:38:340:38:39

There IS one question I'd like to ask.

0:38:390:38:43

Where's the soil that was excavated?

0:38:500:38:53

Ah, now, however you see our relationship, do not presume I'm an informer.

0:38:530:39:00

It's still them and us, and I'm on the US side.

0:39:000:39:04

A harmless question, for future reference.

0:39:040:39:08

I just want to know how they disposed of the soil. I can't help.

0:39:080:39:13

Scotland's finest.

0:39:200:39:22

With a couple of nips gone, I see.

0:39:220:39:25

It's still a treat. Bribes, is it?

0:39:250:39:28

Christmas present.

0:39:280:39:30

Come along, just between you and me.

0:39:340:39:37

Is the door shut? Oh, yes. And there's nobody outside.

0:39:390:39:43

Christmas present? Christmas present.

0:39:430:39:47

You wanna know where the soil is? Quite simply.

0:39:480:39:52

I'll tell you. Yes?

0:39:520:39:55

They dug another tunnel and put the earth down there.

0:39:550:40:00

Merry Christmas(!)

0:40:410:40:43

Tonight, our subject is the entire universe,

0:40:550:40:58

which we'll be covering in one hour.

0:40:580:41:00

As a musical.

0:41:020:41:03

Christmas special of the classic sitcom from 1975. Fletcher doesn't want to spend Christmas in his cell, and through a convoluted series of events involving the building of a tunnel, he ends up in hospital for Christmas with his feet up in a quiet, comfortable private room.


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