A Day Out Porridge


A Day Out

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Transcript


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4:21:414:21:48

Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty, and I will now pass sentence.

4:21:534:21:59

You are a criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard,

4:21:594:22:04

and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner.

4:22:044:22:09

We therefore commit you to the maximum term for these offences. You will go to prison for five years.

4:22:094:22:17

Oh, yeah? What's all the rush? Getting released today, are ya?

4:22:544:22:59

-Nah. Been looking forward to today.

-What's happening today?

4:22:594:23:04

Only one good thing about a new day here it replaces the old one.

4:23:044:23:09

We're going out today! Trees, walking on grass, sound of birds...

4:23:094:23:15

Don't get so flaming lyrical, Wordsworth!

4:23:154:23:18

We're only digging drainage ditches for the council.

4:23:184:23:23

Stooped over a shovel, doing a job only prisoners do,

4:23:234:23:27

'cos a respectable geezer would tell 'em to stuff it.

4:23:274:23:32

I don't care what we do. It's a whole day out!

4:23:324:23:36

You're like a kid on a school trip.

4:23:364:23:39

You don't fool me, Fletcher. You just MASK your enthusiasm.

4:23:394:23:43

-If you're so indifferent, why did you bribe your way in?

-Yeah, well...

-Yeah, well(!)

4:23:434:23:50

I admit I'm looking forward to it. Get the smell of disinfectant out me nostrils.

4:23:504:23:57

Not to mention your festering feet!

4:23:574:24:00

-I change my socks every day.

-Yeah? Pity you can't change your feet!

4:24:004:24:05

I don't mention YOUR personal habits.

4:24:054:24:08

What personal habits? I don't HAVE any.

4:24:084:24:12

-You have.

-I haven't.

-Yes, you have!

-I haven't!

-You HAVE!

-Like what?

4:24:124:24:17

You talk with your mouth full. You whistle out of tune. You snore, spit...

4:24:174:24:24

How DARE you! I do NOT whistle out of tune!

4:24:244:24:28

You've got a flamin' nerve! This is supposed to be a single cell. Mine!

4:24:294:24:34

You've got a nerve talking about MY habits. You, who was dragged up in a back street!

4:24:344:24:40

I had a good upbringing. We didn't have money, but we were spotless.

4:24:404:24:46

You ain't NOW! You're covered in gravy stains. So don't give me stick about manners!

4:24:464:24:53

Everyone at our table is. It's YOUR gravy! I told you, you talk with your mouth full.

4:24:534:24:59

-I'm warning you...!

-You're doing it again! I'm covered in toothpaste.

4:24:594:25:04

Cheeky young nerk!

4:25:044:25:07

Don't let's fall out.

4:25:074:25:09

We don't want to spoil things THIS early. Today's a big day.

4:25:094:25:15

Not THAT big. It ain't a trip to Southend.

4:25:154:25:18

A wander up the pier. A nosh-up and reduced rates at the local knocking shop.

4:25:184:25:25

No.

4:25:254:25:26

All we're gonna do, is go across some moor to some village, to dig drains for the council.

4:25:264:25:34

With the remote possibility that a district nurse might cycle by and give us a glimpse of stocking.

4:25:344:25:42

A woman... A woman on a bicycle...

4:25:424:25:45

-I said "might".

-No, I can see her. Plain as day.

4:25:454:25:49

..In her uniform. On her bicycle.

4:25:494:25:52

Yeah. Some old spinster with brogues and bike-rider's buttocks.

4:25:524:25:58

No. She's young, Fletch. And nice-looking.

4:25:584:26:02

Well, more than that. Beautiful.

4:26:024:26:05

And the uniform can barely conceal the voluptuous figure within.

4:26:054:26:10

-Voluptuous figure within, is it?

-Which her uniform cannot conceal.

4:26:104:26:15

Barely.

4:26:154:26:17

Her face is both innocent and knowing.

4:26:174:26:20

Oh, yeah... I know them innocent faces...

4:26:204:26:23

-Primitive passions stir deep within her breast.

-It's a deep one?

-Definitely.

4:26:234:26:29

What's this deep-breasted, voluptuous bit of nookey doing HERE?

4:26:294:26:35

-She's nursing her dad, who's got a fatal disease.

-Fatal, is it? That can kill you!

4:26:354:26:42

-She gave up the bright lights out of duty.

-She would.

4:26:424:26:46

-She could've been a cover girl or a model, chased by Arab playboys.

-Instead of which...

4:26:464:26:53

She returns to nurse her dad and tries to subdue these primitive stirrings all the time.

4:26:534:27:00

Until fate decrees that she gets a puncture right opposite the drain I'm digging.

4:27:004:27:07

I saw her first!

4:27:074:27:10

Naff off! Age before beauty.

4:27:104:27:12

I pick her up and dust her off. Not failing to notice the prim, firm contours of her body.

4:27:124:27:20

She's sprained her perfect ankle, so I pick her up,

4:27:204:27:24

and I carry her across several miles of ploughed sludge.

4:27:244:27:29

Until finally we walk into her lonely cottage, just the two of us.

4:27:294:27:34

Thrown together as night falls.

4:27:344:27:38

-Where's her dad?

-He's dead.

4:27:384:27:41

It's just her and me, alone together.

4:27:414:27:45

She pours a drink after slipping out of her uniform, slip, slop...

4:27:454:27:50

Then she makes some food, and I eat while we talk...

4:27:504:27:56

-There you go.

-What?

-Talking with your mouth full.

4:27:564:28:00

-How did you manage to get onto this? Bribe a lot of people in high places?

-Now, listen!

4:28:024:28:09

-You're not a working man.

-Listen!

-I'm a working man, always have been.

4:28:094:28:15

Stoker. Paid my dues.

4:28:154:28:18

Tankers. Persian Gulf. Big sweat, I'll tell you!

4:28:184:28:22

Listen, Navyrum. I do my wack.

4:28:224:28:25

I had a job once. With a road gang on a motorway.

4:28:254:28:29

Nothing job, that was. Lived in a caravan with the wife and kids. Worked in mud, came home to mud.

4:28:294:28:36

Should feel at home today!

4:28:364:28:39

-Allo, Fletch!

-Gentlemen. All right, Scrounger?

4:28:414:28:44

-What's this conniving little runt doing on this work party?

-Listen!

4:28:444:28:50

Can't shovel his PEAS without getting tennis elbow!

4:28:504:28:54

-I'll do my share.

-He's a skiving git!

4:28:544:28:57

-That's just what he is. And how are you?

-All right.

4:28:574:29:01

-This is my cellmate, Lenny Godber.

-Hello, son.

4:29:014:29:05

-Me and Navyrum were in Maidstone. One day he'll let you read his tattoos.

-Who are we waiting for?

4:29:054:29:14

-Dylan.

-That lazy anarchist nerk?

4:29:144:29:17

What a bunch! A seven-stone weakling and the King of the Huddersfield Hippies.

4:29:174:29:23

-Hello, Dylan.

-Hey, man, my name's Melvyn. What's this "Dylan" scene?

4:29:284:29:33

It's affectionate, not malicious. You see, you do remind us of Dylan.

4:29:334:29:39

-BOB Dylan?

-No, the hippy rabbit on the "Magic Roundabout".

4:29:394:29:44

-I'm not a hippy!

-You're the nearest thing we've got.

4:29:444:29:48

You wear an earring. You were thrown out of art school. AND you've tie-dyed your uniform.

4:29:484:29:56

Man!?

4:29:564:29:57

-So you watch "The Magic Roundabout"?

-Yeah. There's nothing else to watch.

4:29:574:30:03

"Magic Roundabout"?

4:30:034:30:05

It's given innocent people a lot of pleasure!

4:30:054:30:09

And us guilty people too!

4:30:094:30:12

-Simple pleasures are important.

-Like this day out.

4:30:124:30:17

It'll be great... The grass and flowers.

4:30:174:30:20

You should join our botany club. I run it during the summertime.

4:30:204:30:25

We go out and explore the natural phenomena of our countryside.

4:30:254:30:30

We'll explore the natural phenomena of our nurse!

4:30:304:30:34

Which nurse? She's MINE. He stole her. What're we waiting for?

4:30:344:30:40

Mr Mackay.

4:30:404:30:41

-Scotland the Brave? Is HE coming?

-He's in charge.

4:30:414:30:46

-Git. Pig.

-Anarchist nerk.

4:30:464:30:49

-What's going on?

-Mr Mackay. We've just voted you Man of the Year!

4:30:494:30:54

On your feet, all of you.

4:30:554:30:58

-None of your lip.

-You'll get none today.

4:30:594:31:02

Now!

4:31:024:31:04

As this work party is composed of such a spineless, delinquent rabble,

4:31:044:31:09

let's make a few things crystal clear.

4:31:094:31:13

There will be no skiving, no fraternising with the public, no kipping.

4:31:134:31:20

And no visits to the pub, masquerading as Irish labourers working on a mythical motorway!

4:31:204:31:27

Clear?

4:31:274:31:29

-Any questions?

-I've got a question.

4:31:294:31:32

Is the ball and chain worn inside or outside the boots?

4:31:324:31:36

THEY CHEER

4:31:584:32:01

ALL SHOUT LECHEROUSLY

4:32:304:32:34

Quiet, the lot of you! Get on with it!

4:32:344:32:37

Ives! Put some effort into it!

4:32:384:32:41

Everyone's getting at me. I'm doing my share.

4:32:414:32:45

You'd have us in chains, wouldn't you?

4:32:454:32:49

With the greatest of pleasure.

4:32:494:32:51

-Pig!

-Did you speak, Bottomley?

4:32:514:32:54

-I told Fletcher to DIG.

-Who are you calling a pig?

4:32:544:32:58

-You watch it!

-Can we sing?

4:32:594:33:02

-Sing?

-What've we got to sing about?

4:33:024:33:05

It'd help. Like the negro slaves on the plantations in the deep South.

4:33:054:33:10

THEY sang.

4:33:104:33:12

Work songs. Kept their spirits up.

4:33:124:33:16

We're in a gang, like THEM.

4:33:184:33:20

If you chuck much more mud about, we'll LOOK like 'em, too!

4:33:214:33:26

We used to sing in the Gulf. Stoking. We sang opera.

4:33:264:33:30

# My tiny feet are frozen,

4:33:304:33:34

# Won't you warm them next to mine?

4:33:344:33:37

# Da-da, da-da-a-a... #

4:33:374:33:40

-Oh, dear, oh, dear!

-There will be no singing.

4:33:404:33:44

Thank Gawd for that!

4:33:444:33:47

Now! I'm just, er...

4:33:484:33:51

..popping down to the village to get some...parts for my lawnmower.

4:33:514:33:56

So, er, take charge.

4:33:564:33:59

-You'll not be long, will you?

-You're perfectly capable, man!

4:33:594:34:05

But there's a lot of them, and only one of me.

4:34:054:34:08

Pull yourself together, Mr Barrowclough!

4:34:104:34:13

THE MEN CHEER

4:34:164:34:19

-Where's he going?

-He's after the nurse. He's not as fussy as us.

4:34:224:34:28

Now, listen.

4:34:314:34:33

Now, let's knuckle down.

4:34:374:34:40

My approach may not be as rigid as Mr Mackay's,

4:34:404:34:43

but there's work to be done and it's my job to see that you do it.

4:34:434:34:48

There'll be no slacking, shirking, or taking advantage of my good nature.

4:34:484:34:54

..Right?

4:34:564:34:57

ALL: Right, Mr Barrowclough.

4:34:584:35:01

THEY ALL START CHATTING

4:35:014:35:06

It's great, this, innit, Fletch?

4:35:164:35:18

Being out.

4:35:184:35:21

Yeah, makes a change. But I wish there was more to write home about.

4:35:214:35:27

Beautiful pub down the road... Wouldn't half like to be in there...

4:35:274:35:31

Or popping to the village shop for some sweets and a Reveille.

4:35:314:35:36

-Ain't possible.

-It's been done...

4:35:364:35:39

Now, come on, men. You've had a nice, long smoke break. Let's get back.

4:35:394:35:44

You shouldn't smoke in here, really.

4:35:444:35:47

We've got to sit somewhere. We can't sit on that damp grass. It's bad for your...

4:35:474:35:54

You could sit on the earth you dig. Form little piles.

4:35:544:35:58

That's what worries me the piles.

4:35:584:36:01

Really! Come on!

4:36:014:36:04

We must get back. One, two, three... We're one short. Where's Ives?

4:36:044:36:10

-He's desecrating holy ground.

-What do you mean?

4:36:104:36:14

Having a slash in the churchyard.

4:36:144:36:16

IVES SCREAMS WITH PAIN

4:36:164:36:20

-I've been stung.

-How much did they charge you?

4:36:274:36:32

-Was it a bee?

-How do

-I

-know? I'm not a zoologist!

-Could be a wasp, or a hornet.

4:36:324:36:39

-It makes a lot of difference. A different degree of poison.

-It was big.

4:36:394:36:45

-A hornet. Fatal.

-What do you mean?

4:36:454:36:48

Let's see. Oh, dear, yeah.

4:36:484:36:50

Tell you what, gents. If someone don't suck the poison out...

4:36:504:36:55

..poor old Ives is gonna die.

4:36:574:37:00

-You're gonna die, Ives.

-Listen! That's not funny.

-Don't joke.

4:37:024:37:08

He's in distress. It's probably just a gnat bite.

4:37:084:37:12

-I could DIE! OOH!

-The spasms are coming on.

4:37:124:37:16

-Permission to make a suggestion, Mr Barrowclough.

-What?

4:37:164:37:20

We need some TCP or ointment. Then we need a volunteer to rub it on.

4:37:204:37:25

-I could go to the village to get some.

-AHEM..!

4:37:254:37:30

-Go to the village?

-I'd go if it was a mercy mission.

4:37:304:37:34

Well, if you went straight there and back...

4:37:344:37:38

Certainly! A man's life may be a stake.

4:37:384:37:42

-I'll need money for the antibiotics.

-I've only got a pound.

-That'll do.

4:37:424:37:47

Come on, Mr Barrowclough. Time is of the essence. A man's life is at stake.

4:37:474:37:53

Every second counts!

4:37:534:37:56

Thank you, sir. You look as though you need it. >

4:37:564:38:00

I haven't had one for ages. I've got an ulcer.

4:38:004:38:04

I'm not supposed to drink. But occasionally I have a little sip.

4:38:044:38:09

Fill her up, will you?

4:38:244:38:27

-And six packets of crisps, please.

-With an ulcer?

-No, cheese and onion.

4:38:274:38:32

No...I mean... They'renotforME,you see.

4:38:344:38:37

-They're for thelads.

-Lads?

4:38:374:38:40

The lads that are... workingonthemotorway.

4:38:404:38:44

Motorway?

4:38:444:38:45

The new bypass.

4:38:454:38:48

-I've not heard of a new bypass.

-No.

4:38:484:38:51

I've only just heard of it myself.

4:38:514:38:54

But that's outrageous. Thearea'sNational Trust.

4:38:544:38:59

-What would we needabypassfor?

-Don't ask me.

4:38:594:39:03

I only work here. I'masconcernedas you are.

4:39:034:39:07

Despoiling our land. CourseI'm worried. That's how I got my ulcer.

4:39:074:39:13

-Morning, all.

-Did you hear the thunder?

4:39:134:39:16

It's gonna pi... It's gonna pelt down in a minute.

4:39:184:39:23

-Have you heard, Vicar?

-Heard what?

-They're building a bypass.

-Where?

4:39:234:39:29

-Over the back there.

-Why? There's nothing TO bypass. Except the prison.

4:39:294:39:36

What prison's that?

4:39:364:39:38

600 criminals on our doorstep!

4:39:384:39:41

-Now, now. They're serving their penance.

-It's public revenge an eye for an eye, a tooth for a nail.

4:39:414:39:48

We must be tolerant. Without being pious we must keep an open mind.

4:39:484:39:53

My mind, like my church, is always open.

4:39:534:39:58

"More joy in heaven over one sinner that relenteth..."

4:39:584:40:02

-Repenteth. Indeed! Would you like...?

-Thank you.

4:40:024:40:07

-Same again, please.

-Oh.

4:40:074:40:09

Fine. Do the honours, Frank.

4:40:094:40:13

I was going to ask if you'd bring your chums to evensong on Sunday.

4:40:134:40:19

What? Er...

4:40:194:40:21

-Don't...

-No, I was just standing... I was...er...

4:40:214:40:26

The trouble is we may not be able to get out...over...across...

4:40:264:40:31

I tell you what, we'll come if we're free, all right?

4:40:314:40:36

-Ta. Cheers.

-Cheers.

4:40:364:40:38

Here's a different view. Morning, Mr Mackay.

4:40:404:40:43

Morning, Mr Mackay. Morning, Mr Mackay.

4:40:454:40:48

-A different view to what?

-To our friend...

4:40:504:40:53

He's vanished.

4:40:554:40:57

I'll have a whisky and a pint chaser.

4:40:574:41:00

-Are you on duty?

-Only half on duty.

4:41:004:41:03

-I've got a work party down the road.

-Work party?

-Yes, they're digging ditches.

4:41:034:41:10

-Prisoners?

-Yes.

4:41:104:41:12

Verger, why don't you pop down to the church?

4:41:144:41:17

-But it's going to pour!

-You've got your bike.

4:41:174:41:21

-Pop down and lock the church.

-Why?

4:41:214:41:25

You heard him there's a bunch of criminals loose in the area!

4:41:254:41:30

SHEEP BAAS INDIGNANTLY

4:42:014:42:05

This one was done in South America Chile.

4:42:054:42:08

It's a religious country hence the religious overtones.

4:42:084:42:13

What's her name? Daphne. That doesn't sound very Chilean.

4:42:134:42:18

No, she was from Bootle. She was stranded there with a juggling act.

4:42:184:42:23

I'm from the 'Pool, so we got on. Hence the affectionate overtones.

4:42:234:42:28

"I'll always..." Not out loud in here!

4:42:284:42:31

What are you still doing in here?

4:42:314:42:34

We heard the thunder and Navyrum said we were due for a heavy storm him having been in the Navy, he knew.

4:42:344:42:42

Where's the ointment?

4:42:424:42:45

Oh, the ointment. Well...I'll tell you...

4:42:474:42:51

Come on, Fletch, this is killing me!

4:42:514:42:54

The thing about the ointment is... that the shop was shut for lunch.

4:42:544:42:59

-But it's only 11.30!

-Well, they shut early because they get up so early.

4:42:594:43:05

Come on, my backside's ablaze!

4:43:054:43:08

-Stick it in the font!

-I could die!

-Oh, dear. Anyone know the burial service?

4:43:084:43:14

-I buried a bloke at sea.

-That's OK there's a reservoir up the road.

4:43:144:43:19

This day's turning into a disaster.

4:43:194:43:23

Come on, the storm's passed over. Let's get that ditch finished.

4:43:234:43:28

Crafty nerk! You've been to the pub!

4:43:284:43:31

-You have!

-All right, you don't think I'd forget my chums?

-Cheers, Fletch.

4:43:314:43:37

Not you special diet for bee stings.

4:43:374:43:41

That'll put hair on your legs.

4:43:414:43:45

Is all this out of my pound?

4:43:454:43:47

Yes, that's your special lot there, Mr Barrowclough.

4:43:474:43:51

On behalf of us all, I thank you for this magnaminous gesture.

4:43:514:43:56

ALL SHOUT THANKS

4:43:564:44:00

Now we've got some protein, we can dig.

4:44:004:44:03

We've done precious little digging this morning! Come on!

4:44:034:44:08

Come on, Ives, you're not dead yet.

4:44:094:44:12

-That's funny, this door's stuck.

-Let's have a look.

4:44:124:44:16

It's not stuck, it's locked.

4:44:214:44:25

Someone's stolen my bike. I bet it's one of your lot.

4:44:474:44:52

Nonsense!

4:44:524:44:53

My lot are hard at it. Without my say so they wouldn't dare move.

4:44:534:44:59

All right, you lot!

4:45:014:45:03

They've scarpered!

4:45:094:45:11

The vestry door's locked as well. There's no other way out.

4:45:114:45:17

Why don't we break a window?

4:45:174:45:19

You what? These windows are 400 years old, you nerk!

4:45:194:45:24

This is a church! Ain't you got no reverence? You're a PALESTINE, that's what you are!

4:45:244:45:31

-A PHILISTINE, I think you mean.

-That depends whether you're Jewish or not.

4:45:314:45:38

Why don't we ring the bell?

4:45:384:45:41

Oh, no. They never use this bell, you see.

4:45:414:45:44

It's ancient, like the tower.

4:45:444:45:47

The last time it rang was to warn the villagers of marauding Scots.

4:45:474:45:53

-Marauding Scots, was it?

-That would have been in the 16th century.

4:45:534:45:58

The rascals used to come over the border

4:45:584:46:02

pillaging crops, stealing cattle...and ravishing the women...

4:46:024:46:07

That bell would put the wind up a few vests!

4:46:074:46:12

They'd flee with their possessions strapped to their Vauxhall Vivas.

4:46:124:46:17

Some of the women would probably stay though!

4:46:174:46:21

Don't be flippant, Fletch. Can't you think of something? You're in for breaking and entering.

4:46:214:46:28

"Entering" is the operative word. I've never broken out of nowhere.

4:46:284:46:34

We get one day out of nick and what happens? We get locked in!

4:46:344:46:40

Chief Officer Barrett? Mackay here, sir.

4:46:454:46:49

Mackay!

4:46:494:46:51

Something has occurred, sir, which I think needs your attention...

4:46:524:46:58

-Just down here, are they?

-Not any more.

4:46:584:47:01

-You should have put out a full-scale alert!

-I still think your judgment is impaired.

4:47:014:47:08

I'm not making a fool out of Slade, nor burdening the tax-payers with an alert until I've verified the facts.

4:47:084:47:16

See? There you are, Mr Barrett. I told you. I told you, didn't I?

4:47:304:47:35

ALL: Afternoon, Mr Barrett. Afternoon, Mr Mackay.

4:47:354:47:41

Good afternoon, Mr Barrett. Mr Mackay. All present and correct, sir.

4:47:464:47:53

Pull yourself together, Mr Mackay.

4:47:534:47:56

I have been dropped in it, Fletcher, have I not? And from a great height.

4:48:044:48:10

I'm sorry to hear that, Mr Mackay. Can we help?

4:48:104:48:15

When I'm in it, Fletcher, I absorb it with a stiff upper lip.

4:48:154:48:20

You would if you're in it up to here!

4:48:204:48:23

I absorb it with cool Celtic calm,

4:48:234:48:27

-and then I relieve my frustrations by making sure everyone else suffers.

-Pardon?

-SUFFERS!

4:48:274:48:34

-That's not fair!

-Fair?

-It wasn't our fault we got locked in.

-We'd still be there if it wasn't for that funeral.

4:48:344:48:42

What were you doing in the church if you weren't skiving?

4:48:424:48:46

Taking advantage of Mr Barrowclough's laxity.

4:48:464:48:51

-I didn't know Mr Barrowclough suffered from laxity.

-Poor fellow.

4:48:514:48:57

-Godber!

-Sir.

-Don't imagine you'll be excluded from my spiteful resentments.

4:48:574:49:04

Over the next weeks you will both suffer some terrible indignities.

4:49:044:49:09

Your feet, Fletcher,

4:49:094:49:12

will not touch the floor.

4:49:124:49:14

-I'm not a mealy-mouthed liberal,

-I

-HARBOUR grudges!

4:49:144:49:19

-He means it.

-Yeah, well.

4:49:254:49:28

-It was worth it though, wasn't it?

-It certainly was, son.

4:49:284:49:33

Yes. A day out. A bag of crisps.

4:49:334:49:37

A few beers...for some of us.

4:49:374:49:40

Old Ives in agony and Mackay dropped right in it. We did all right.

4:49:404:49:46

-You did better than most, Fletch.

-Naturally.

4:49:464:49:49

-I got something out of the day myself.

-Oh, yeah? What?

4:49:494:49:54

Something I nicked from the church.

4:49:544:49:56

It's a surplice.

4:49:564:49:59

You STOLE...from a church?

4:50:004:50:03

Yeah. It's the only place you can get them.

4:50:034:50:08

What do you want it for anyway?

4:50:104:50:13

This will satisfy a need I've had for a very long time.

4:50:134:50:18

What's that?

4:50:194:50:21

It's to protect me when you talk with your mouth full!

4:50:234:50:27

Subtitles by Alison Roberts and Sue Walker 1992

4:51:044:51:08

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