Episode 1 Pulling

-What?

-Stop, I've finished. You can stop.

Oh. Sorry.

# ..I ought to be thinking of you

# But friendship's built on trust And that's something you never do

# Well, who knows, maybe tomorrow

# We can share each other's sorrow

# And compare our graveside manner

# As we wave our lonely banners

# If you ever think of me

# I'll be thinking of you

# If you decide to change your view

# I'm thinking of you

# You can walk away from loneliness

# Any time you choose

# And you're the sort of person

# That hasn't anything to lose

# But who cares, maybe tomorrow

# You can lead and I could follow

# So walk where angels fear to tread

# For everything you've ever wanted

# And if you ever think of me

# I'll be thinking of you... #

KETTLE WHISTLES

'..has put cyclists into conflict with the corporation of London...'

I'm meeting your mum later, sort out the family lunch.

Did you call anyone about the buttonholes?

Yeah, er, I'll... I'll give someone a call today.

Are you, erm...?

'..because there are signs that say "No Cycling"...'

-I forgot what I was gonna say.

-That's because you're watching the telly.

Sorry.

Are you, erm...?

-What are you having for lunch?

-Why are you asking me that?

-Just wondered.

-A salad.

-What do you think Karen's gonna have?

-I dunno what Karen's gonna have for lunch.

'The cycle paths on Hampstead Heath are quite clearly marked, so...'

TV BLARES IN DISTANCE

Thanks, Auntie Marge.

Margaret.

No, thanks. The thing is, Margaret, that, erm, I'm not saying that I don't like...

-er, Jumpin' Joe's Steak and Grill...

-Well, that's settled then.

I was gonna say that although I do like it, and I'm really pleased you booked it, I just think...

-Do you really like it, or are you just saying that?

-Oh, yeah, I do.

Well, great. That's settled then.

-It's just... isn't it a chain restaurant?

-So?

-Well...

-Donna...

you don't get to sell garlic bread to millions of people without knowing a thing or two about food.

-Yeah, but isn't the food a bit...

-Yeah, the food's lovely, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, the food's...

-It's not lovely for the vegetarians.

-There's plenty of choice! There's a salad BAR...with croutons.

You don't get chips in Australia, you get fried potatoes.

-You don't get chips?

-Well, yeah, you do get chips if you want 'em.

Er, the thing is, erm, Margaret, that...

-I actually had another restaurant in mind, for the meal.

-Oh.

-Yeah, it's a lovely little place called Temples.

-Does Temples have a salad bar?

-No, it doesn't have a salad bar.

-Look, Donna,

if you don't want to go to Jumpin' Joe's Steak and Grill, just tell me.

OK.

I don't want to go!

There, look, I just think it's a little bit...

It's... It's a little bit...

shit.

Louise, you're supposed to be working.

I am! What do you want?

Nothing.

-Donna!

-Hi. Sorry I'm late.

How's the arrangements going? Excited?

-Yeah.

-Wow, I can feel the euphoria(!)

I just found out we're not exchanging contracts on the wedding day.

Karl wants to wait a few weeks...

for tax purposes.

-Romantic.

-I don't know, it's just...

I mean, I was lying there the other night in bed with Karl, looking at him, and...

he was snoring, and he had a little fleck of saliva in the corner of his lip, and...

I just found myself wondering what it would be like to...chop his head off.

I dunno.

Well, I've been thinking about the hen night,

I'm just going to say one word to you - spit-roast.

A couple of escorts I know, Jamal and Kevin, nice boys,

-clean, they're gonna meet us at the Marquis.

-But Tanya's organising the hen night.

-What?

-I thought you knew. She's my maid of honour.

I thought you just gave her that cos she's fat. You can't be serious, fat Tanya?

-She's got it all sorted. We're all going to bingo.

-Bingo?

-Yeah. She's printed us T-shirts.

-Bingo?

-I knew you'd say that, but it's...

It's a laugh. Tanya goes all the time. There's a bar...

-Bingo?

-..you can eat there. It's not what you think.

-It sounds great, Donna.

I love old people.

-It's not like that, it's...

-Bingo?

Listen, I'm going out now, so I'll see you later. OK?

Oh, Donna, Mum called.

She said something about the restaurant being booked now.

She's paying for the meal, so it's up to her where we go.

For God's sake!

Have a great time.

We fucking will!

-So where we going then?

-What?

Are we going out?

And she holds it up to me and she says,

-"Mummy, do stars come from your tummy as well?"

-Aw!

And I remember the first time I changed Leon's nappy.

I remember I was standing up, I had to stand cos of the stitches,

he ripped me apart, little bugger,

and I was cleaning the poop from his lovely bottom,

and he got a little tiny erection, and he wee'd on my shirt. I thought,

"This is what life's about -

"this little bundle of joy, not me.

"I'm just a vessel."

But let's get you married first.

Well done, Donna.

Now you're one of us.

Oh!

No, look, hang on, right, it's 20 quid from everyone.

And no, we are not buying individual cards, Dianne,

because for every 20 cards you buy, you get the 21st free.

-So unless you're planning on...

-Does that include booze?

-It includes three units of alcohol each.

-There's more than three units of alcohol in my urine!

Double vodkas all round. What do you want, love? Something soft? Hooch? Carlsberg?

I tell you what, I'll get you a surprise.

-Actually, I could do with a...

-With all due respect, Tanya, shut up.

-Right, so that's 20 each. I'm putting in 15 cos I'm scooting off early.

-What?

-Yeah, well, I'm not going to the club. I'm gonna leave at 9.30.

-What? You're not going to the club?

But it's my hen night, you're my maid of honour.

-But we've got to drive to the coast tomorrow morning.

-Why?

Dan's jet-ski weekend.

But Tanya!

What? Dianne's leaving at 10.30.

Are you...Dianne?

But... What... I mean... Who else is going early?

What is this? What's the matter with you?!

This is my hen night!

-BINGO CALLER:

-'Eyes down for a full house.'

All the ones, it's the legs 11.

'One and six, 16.'

'On its own, the number six.

'Nine-oh, blind 90.'

'All the twos, 22.

'Eight and two, 82.

'On its own, number 4.

'One and three, 13.'

Oh, shit!

-WOMAN FARTS

-Oopsie.

TOILET FLUSHES

Ooh, sorry, I thought I was alone!

-Dianne?

-Yes?

-Are you happy?

-What?

-Are you, you know, are you happy?

-Happy? Oh, yeah.

-Are you?

Of course. Max is doing brilliantly, Isla's loving nursery. Oh, and Toby's just got promotion.

-Of course I'm happy.

-Well, what about you?

Can you hand me one of those towels, please, Donna?

-What were you saying?

-What about you? Are you...

Oh, that smells nice. What is it, Molton Brown?

No, I don't think so.

No, look, are you, though? Are you... Are you...

Ooh! Just...

Donna, we are just so excited that you're getting married!

Come on you, bride-to-be, hanging around in the toilets.

-Let's get you back out there where the fun is.

-Oh.

Two-oh, blind 20.

-'Eight and seven, 87.'

-House!

-'It looks like we have a winner.'

-House! I've won.

-She's won. She's won.

-The £900 jackpot going to the ladies in red. Congratulations, ladies!

ALL SCREAM AND CHEER

-Give us the money!

-Look, Donna, I'm trying to help, I really am, but it was my card.

Tanya, we pooled our cash, we all won that money.

If you think about it, I was the only one concentrating on the flippin' game.

-That's hen night money!

-Well, yeah. But technically, I actually won it.

-Well, we'll give you your share!

-And I'm going home now, so...

I can't believe you're being like this!

Look, there's no point arguing. I don't want us to fall out.

This is your hen night, this is your special night.

-So why don't I just lend you...

-Lend us?

-..a few quid so you can...

No, look, I am going to give you...

There, I am going to give you 50 quid. That is on me.

That is free. That is... a couple of bottles of Champagne.

DANCE MUSIC

SHE SOBS

Listen, get the cab with her. She's got the money, so get home safe.

-Take your baby home.

-I'm staying! Yeah!

-OK. Group photo, everyone.

-One, two, three, Sophie Titwank.

-Sophie Titwank!

-Oh, lovely.

If he suggests doing anything even slightly unsavoury,

just do it and buy yourself a present the next day...

I will. I love you.

-Ah-h-h!

-I love her, though! I love her!

-I got 600 quid!

-Come on!

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

So how did you know Karl was the one?

I didn't really like any of my other boyfriends.

But what made you want to marry him?

We've been together for five years, so it felt like the logical next step.

-That's beautiful(!) You should get that engraved on something for him.

-No, I mean, it feels right.

It's the right time, because I'm probably going to wanna...

-start a family at some stage and buy a house. I can't do that on my own.

-SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Karl's a good man.

-What do you know about men?

-I'm just saying he's dependable.

-Dependable?

-Would you marry him?

-Fuck, no!

-What?

-No, I mean, I just like men who are a bit more...

-Fictional?

-Deeper.

-Deeper?

-No, I mean, Karl's great cos he doesn't think too much.

-Jesus!

-No, I mean, he's good cos you know what he's thinking.

-So he's predictable?

-But in a good way.

-Karen, please explain what I'm trying to say.

-OK...

-Imagine Karl's dead.

-What?

No, that's horrible!

Just imagine he's dead. Imagine a crane fell on him or something.

-No!

-Please, just imagine, Donna, for a second.

Heart attack, buried alive, whatever.

OK!

-He's dead.

-Right.

Better, innit?

The other nice thing about Karl is that he'd never hit you.

MUSIC DROWNS CONVERSATION

-Have the drugs kicked in yet?

-We haven't taken any.

Yeah, but it's like it, isn't it? Come on!

CHEERING

I'm not gonna get married!

-I'm not doing it!

-ALL CHEER

-# I'm in the moo-ood for dancing... #

-Karl... Karl, don't.

-Feeling a bit delicate, are we? Poor baby.

-I just feel...

You look quite sexy with a hangover. Have a good night then?

-Yeah, it was really good. How about yours?

-Yeah, yeah, it was good.

Darren brought round a copy of the Goonies. It was mad!

Yeah, mad. Erm...

-Look, Karl, I think there's something...

-Ta-da!

-What's this?

-Breakfast.

Well, to be more precise, some lucky lady's favourite breakfast.

Wow, this is...

Gosh, I mean, that's...fantastic.

Well, nothing's too good for my wife.

Karl, er, I need to talk to you about something.

Fantastic, because I want to talk to you as well.

-Let's get in position.

-I don't think that's a good idea.

-Come on, you used to love this.

-All right.

Look, Karl...

-..the thing is...

-Kiss.

-What?

-Kiss first.

-Karl, can't we...

I want my morning kiss first, or my lips are sealed.

I love you.

OK, me first. Are you ready? Are you ready for the best news of your life?

-Karl!

-Are you ready to find out what kind of man you're marrying? Are you ready to be the owner of a house?

-What?

-The house! I've exchanged contracts while you were asleep.

-You...

-Yeah, this morning. It's all in my name.

-Your name?

Yeah. We can sort all that out after the wedding.

The thing is...we've got the house! It's ours!

Look at you, you're lost for words.

This is great!

Go on then, your news. Top that!

Well, erm...

I'm not sure if I want this.

-What, breakfast?

-No.

Marriage.

-What? I don't...

-I think it might be a bad idea to get married.

Nah.

Is that...? Are you...? All right, I mean,

Are you...? Is that...?

-That isn't...?

-I just think...

I just think maybe we're rushing into it.

-I'm not rushing into it.

-But maybe...

You know, maybe we're not sure.

-I'm... I'm sure.

-And that maybe...

-OK.

-Maybe we're...we're not ready.

-OK. Right. Please don't.

-Karl.

Please, please don't do this, Donna.

Karl, don't...

Please, please, please. I mean, please, don't leave me, please.

-Don't beg, Karl, please, I just...

-I wanna beg.

Is it something I've done? I can change that, whatever it is.

-No, it's nothing you've...

-Why? I mean...what have I...?

I haven't done anything! I haven't...

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God...!

Karl, you're scaring me. You're acting really...

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!

Please, God, no! Please don't let this...

I don't know what I'm gonna...

Karl! Karl! Karl, are you OK?

We don't even talk any more.

We can talk now.

Things have gotten boring. We've become boring.

-Well, do you wanna do a threesome or something?

-What?!

-I mean, with a man or something. If that's what you want?

-Karl, I don't...

I'm willing to give it a go. I just don't want to touch his...

-I'll suck it, but I won't have it in my...

-I just don't wanna marry you.

-But you said you would.

-Yeah, I know, but you asked me to marry you three years ago,

and when I said yes, well, I didn't think we'd last!

I think I'm going to be sick.

Karl, I think you're being a bit melodramatic...

Right, and that's not gonna...

That's not helping anyone!

I'm dying.

Look, Karl, I can't keep going round and round like this, OK? I'm sorry.

I've made up my mind.

OK, Donna. OK.

All right. I'm gonna clean that up and...

then I'm gonna call your mum and cancel the lunch.

-No, I... I wanna do the lunch.

-But Karl...

You've gotta do it. My mum's organised it. Everyone'll be there.

-Please, just do the lunch, and then we'll sort all this stuff out.

-Oh, Christ!

All right, look, we'll do the lunch, but I'll have to call your mum and tell her the wedding's off.

-Er, don't tell her the wedding's off.

-What are you talking about?

Please don't tell my mum!

Karl, we can't just sit there and...

-Please, don't tell her, not yet. Not today.

-What are we gonna say?!

Well, we'll say nothing. We'll pretend it's all OK.

-No! That's insane!

-Just give me one more day, please?

Our last day.

No, Karl.

OK, Donna.

OK.

All right, keep the change.

Thanks a lot. All the best to yer.

Well, you only do it once. All right. Pop in for a glass of bubbly.

-Happy?

-No!

Stop drinking like that.

You look beautiful.

I'm so lucky.

I'm gonna kill you when we get out of here!

Look, I just want to say a couple of words, if I may.

Now, obviously, I'll leave the speech till the wedding,

but for those of you who don't know,

they've exchanged contracts on the house!

-ALL:

-Aw!

Oh, look at Donna's face! Sorry, Donna,

I couldn't keep it quiet any longer.

Now, I think Karl wants to say a few words.

-Get on with it, mate!

-Oh, God. Oh, God...

Come on, Karl!

Karl's just, erm...

-Hangover.

-ALL TEASE HIM

So I'm gonna speak for him.

Get used to it, Karl.

Yes. Yeah, that... That's funny.

Er, so Karl and I are looking forward to this wedding, I suppose.

-Give him a kiss!

-Yeah, go on!

-ALL:

-Woo!

I love you, Karl.

Er, well, it's... It's gonna be the biggest and best day our lives.

-And, er...

-WHISTLING

..to see so many of you here sharing...

..well, sharing our love, actually...

Pass the sick bucket.

..means, erm, means so much to us.

No, it really does, because, erm...

Well, you're the people who matter most.

As we find ourselves about to begin this...

this new life together, we feel privileged that so many of you have, er...

chosen to be here with us at the start...

of that great adventure.

ALL: Aw!

This man,

this...

Karl, he's a good...

He's a lovely man, and he deserves so much.

Better than me, actually.

And I can only say that he has embellished my life

with love to such an extent that...

Donna's cancelled the wedding.

She doesn't love me any more. Thank you.

Erm, can't remember what I was gonna...

Erm, that...that...

..that, erm... I'm just trying to think...

-Get your thinking cap on, Donna.

-Fuck off, prick!

I'm so sorry, Karl.

Karl, no, that's not a good idea.

What are you doing? For God's sake, are you mental? Get off me!

Oh, I'm leaving tomorrow, Donna.

Can't hang about.

Oh...God!

Right. I... I'd better... Thank you for the... OK, bye.

Ow!

-Margaret!

-Where do you think you're going?

-Look, I thought it was best if I just go.

-Well, you're wrong, it is not best.

-Margaret...

-You're gonna get back there, say you're sorry and marry my son.

I did not buy a £500 suit and spend six weeks looking for a church with disabled access for you to just go.

-Look, Margaret, I really love Karl, but...

-Good! That's settled then. Now get back in there!

No, look, I'm sorry, I really am, but it would just be wrong for both of us.

-Not for me it wouldn't.

-I meant me and Karl.

Who gives a shit about you and Karl? I've got a table full of guests expecting a wedding tomorrow.

Look, Donna, why don't you just marry him, and if you still feel the same in a couple of weeks...

I'm not going to marry someone I don't want to marry!

-What's wrong with him?

-There's nothing wrong with him, he's just...

There's something missing in my life.

And I realised that last night.

I just want to feel happy, Margaret, I just...

I just think life should be...fun.

You're destroying my son's life for fun?

No, that sounds... Yeah, sort of.

Well, you have your fun, because Karl's better off without you!

And let me tell you, do not expect him to be there when YOU come crawling back,

because I will tell you one thing about my son, he has more dignity than...

Donna, Donna, Donna!

Donna, Donna, Donna, Donna...

Donna, Donna, Donna,

Donna, Donna, Donna!

'I'm a terrible person.'

You're not a terrible person.

But if you'd seen his face,

he was so hurt.

-I'm evil.

-You're not evil.

I know evil, and you're not evil.

-Yeah, anyway, you've done it now, there's no going back.

-Thank you, Louise(!)

No, I'm just saying, even if she did, it's too late.

Too much pain there now.

I don't think you can destroy a man and then go back to him.

Ow!

Sorry!

So where you gonna stay?

She can stay here.

-Is that OK?

-But there's no room.

-She can have the spare room.

-What spare room?

-The spare room!

-What spare room?

The spare room, Louise! The spare room.

The shit room.

Oh, the shit room.

The shit room?

Here we go.

We call it the shit room cos it's where we chuck all the bits of old shit that nobody wants.

So what do you think?

With a brush-brush here and a mop-mop there...!

I tell you what, we're gonna leave you to settle in for a bit, I'll go and buy us some booze,

so that we can celebrate your new-found freedom. All right?

Yeah. Yeah, you know, I just really feel like this is going to be...