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APPLAUSE | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Gooooood evening, | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
and welcome to an episode of QI that is jam-packed with J words. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
Joining me to joust and jostle | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
in tonight's J-themed jamboree are the jazzy Bill Bailey... | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
..the jest-propelled Jimmy Carr... | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
..the jasmine-scented Victoria Coren... | 0:01:00 | 0:01:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
..and that jolly jackanapes, Alan Davies. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
We have fantastically obscure and recondite J buzzers. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:24 | |
Bill goes... | 0:01:24 | 0:01:25 | |
STRING MUSIC | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
-That's a jarana. -Oh, it's jarana, yes. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
It's a Mexican percussive... | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
Yes, you strum it. With a "Jheeurgh"... | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Exactly. Victoria goes... | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
STRING MUSIC | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
That's a Finnish instrument called a jouhikko. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
-And Jimmy goes... -I don't imagine I'll get this. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
STRING MUSIC | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Good. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Correct. Well, I think we both know. Tell them. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
It's actually a Russian instrument. It's a jalalaika. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Finally, Alan goes... | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
BOING! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:03 | 0:02:04 | |
-Jewish harp. -It is. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
It was originally called a jaws harp | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
because it's played in the mouth like that. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
Anyway, to get you in the mood, | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
what do these unfamiliar J words mean? | 0:02:12 | 0:02:17 | |
-There are lots of them. -Janker. I've heard of jankers. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
-That's an army thing, isn't it? -Yes. Jankers is an army punishment. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:25 | |
Cleaning latrines or peeling 10,000 spuds. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
That's right, you're put on jankers. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
It looks like lots of them are minced oaths. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
What was that? A minced...? | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
A minced oath. Like saying "fudge" or "sugar". | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
Like a bowdlerised version of a swear word. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
Like saying, "By... carbonate of soda." | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
Or, "Shut the front door!" | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
Or fu...crying out loud! | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
-Have you ever said that? -What, fu-crying... -Fu-crying out loud? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:57 | |
It works very well. Or fu-Christ's sake. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
For photographers that follow you. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
"Why don't you just f...otograph someone else?" | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
A jollop? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
It's a juice, some sort of unguent. Some sort of... | 0:03:11 | 0:03:15 | |
A jollop is actually a turkey's wattle. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
I'm going to say, "Bluff." | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
Sorry, is it the wrong game? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
It's a good word, yeah. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
-Or it can mean a strong liquor. -Jollop - a strong liquor? | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
-Don't. -I didn't say anything. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
I didn't say anything. I was going to, but I didn't. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
A jentacular, jentacular... | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
Is this what friends of Jennifer Aniston say how she looks before she goes out? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
-No. It means, "pertaining to breakfast". -It does not. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
BILL: Why? Why do you need that, though? | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
-In your life? -Well, you have a lunchy word. It's a lunchy type of thing. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:56 | |
-It's a breakfasty type of thing. -What's a lunch word, then? | 0:03:56 | 0:04:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
-So you would say toast is a bit jentacular? -Yeah. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
This toast is jentacular! LAUGHTER | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
When has anyone ever said that, ever? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
These are unusual words, I grant you. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
It's like "pandiculate". It means, "to yawn". | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
-But you'd never use it in that sense. -No. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
You'd just say "yawn", cos we've got the word "yawn". | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
-So we don't need to know that word, is what you're saying? -No. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
So I need to forget that now | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
cos that's taken vital space I need for pin numbers, | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
really useful things, in my brain. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
Not what I should say about breakfast. "Ooh, it's 11! | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
"Oh, I said jentacular! What an idiot!" | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
-Here to astonish you... -Go on. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
One of these words on this board has 28 separate meanings. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
I'm going to put those meanings up. Tell me which word it is. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
Back passage, vagina, penis. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
-AUDIENCE: Jobbie! -Junt! | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Jobbie, you think? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
-Jigger. -We're getting a lot of jiggering from the audience. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:04 | |
-It must be jigger. -I'm with jigger. -Jigger is the right answer. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:08 | |
I'm going to share five points with Victoria | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
and five points with the audience. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
CHEERING | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
The word jigger has all those definitions. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
It's a measuring device - a jigger of rum. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
A snooker rest, an odd-looking person, Bill. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
Sorry, just an odd-looking person. A distillery. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
Don't say vagina and point to me. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
-Again. -Penis and... | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
..woman's coat. That's a nice... thingummy. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
People do complain that there aren't any good words for vagina. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
There's no way of saying it that sounds nice. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
Jigger is not the answer. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:52 | 0:05:53 | |
I think twinkle cave. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Twinkle cave? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
It's a less offensive term for a fu-fu. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
So jigger is back passage, vagina, penis... | 0:06:08 | 0:06:12 | |
-Well, that's confusing right there. -Straight away. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
"Just stick it in me jigger." "What?" | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
"You're going to have to be more specific, love." | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
"Do you mean jigger one or jigger two?" | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
It's also a golf club. So if you ask your caddy, "Do you think | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
"I should pull my jigger out for this shot? What do you think?" | 0:06:24 | 0:06:28 | |
Yeah, get your jigger out, | 0:06:28 | 0:06:29 | |
rest it on your jigger, stick it in my jigger, mind the jigger. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
What about Ouija board? You're at a party. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
"Let's all put our fingers together on your jigger." | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
"It's moving. Is it doing that by itself or are we making it?" | 0:06:40 | 0:06:45 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
Potter's wheel. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
That's what they used to put on the TV when they ran out of programmes. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
"Put the jigger on. NOT THAT ONE!" | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
Revolving. A revolving jigger. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Certain words do double duty. Certain words do triple duty. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
Words like jigger seem to do multiple duty. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
But what did Dr Johnson tie up with his padlock? | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
-Did he bury his cheese to stop it getting burnt in the fire? -You're confusing him with Samuel Pepys... | 0:07:16 | 0:07:22 | |
-Aw! -LAUGHTER | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
-..who did indeed bury a Parmesan cheese in his garden in 1666... -They're very valuable. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:28 | |
..which was 60 years before Johnson. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
He's the guy that did the dictionary, right? | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
One of the many things he did. He wrote Rasselas. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
He was one of the greatest literary figures of his age. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:41 | |
But he was physically... | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
I wouldn't say "disabled" exactly, | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
but he was victim of many of the diseases of the age. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
-Gout? -Scrofula, gout, yeah. -They all had gout, didn't they? -Things like that. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:53 | |
-What is scrofula? -Scrofula used to be called "the king's evil". | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
-Ooh! -Inflammation of the jigger. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
-LAUGHTER -That would more or less cover it! | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
Sorry. I'm a question late, but I'm suddenly thinking about those meanings of "jigger". | 0:08:03 | 0:08:08 | |
Do you think that's where "jiggery-pokery" comes from? | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
-Oh, my goodness! -It really might. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
That's true...in both senses. You could poke... | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
I think you'll find it's more... | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
Oh, well, it could be, I suppose. Yeah. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
It could, if you're having fun on the farm, be "piggery-jokery". Yes, there's a thought. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:28 | |
JIMMY LAUGHS | 0:08:28 | 0:08:29 | |
-LAUGHTER -But anyway... | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
Dr Johnson was half-blind and scarred by scrofula. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
He also had the usual array of 18th-century maladies - palsy, dropsy, gout, flatulence. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:41 | |
He had massive white headphones. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
And he suffered from OCD and probably from Tourette's syndrome. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
The man that wrote the dictionary had Tourette's? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
I've got to re-read that book. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
He gestured wildly | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
and it seemed to be a tic. We would probably now call it Tourette's. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
I think that's rather beautiful if somebody who suffered from Tourette's created the dictionary. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
-It is. -Total verbal control. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
How lovely if Johnson, | 0:09:08 | 0:09:12 | |
if he had that form of Tourette's where he couldn't control his spoken language, | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
-to make a dictionary. That's very poetic. -It would be, wouldn't it? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
-He was prone to seizures and outbursts. -VICTORIA: Himself? | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
Yeah. He went to live with Mrs Hester Thrale in Streatham. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:27 | |
He was deeply in love with Mrs Thrale | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
and he basically said to her, | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
"I have a padlock and chain, | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
"and at any moment, when I seem to be out of control, | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
-"I'm now giving you permission in advance to chain me up." -Wow. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
I know a woman in Streatham that will still do that. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
-LAUGHTER -She's surprisingly reasonable. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:47 | |
Sadly, what happened was that Mr Thrale died | 0:09:47 | 0:09:51 | |
and instead of Hester Thrale marrying Johnson, | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
she went off to Italy and married a very young, handsome Italian. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:57 | |
-Is that sad for her? It sounds like that's gone quite well. -No, sad for Johnson. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
-Was he prone to just lash out? -To flail. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
He was prone to flail. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
So, Dr Johnson liked to be tied up and padlocked. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
When I say he liked to be, I can quote you what Mrs Thrale said. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
-This is quite surprising and advanced for its age. -Go on. -She said here, | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
"Says Johnson, a woman has such power between the ages of 25 and 45 | 0:10:17 | 0:10:22 | |
"that she may tie a man to a post and whip him if she will." | 0:10:22 | 0:10:27 | |
And added the footnote, | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
"This, he knew of himself, was literally and strictly true." | 0:10:29 | 0:10:33 | |
So he obviously did like to be whipped. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
-Whilst tied up. -Yup, that's right. So, there we are. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:41 | |
But what's the one thing we can all agree | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
Hitler, Stalin and Franco got right | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
and Mussolini got wrong? | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Mussolini surrendered. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
Well, no, there's something the three moustachioed dictators | 0:10:50 | 0:10:55 | |
loathed and detested | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
but Mussolini rather liked. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
-Erm... -Pasta. -Yes. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
Say what you want about Simon Schama, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
he'd never come up with that. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
Let's stick with the letter J. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
-Jackets with jeans, like Clarkson. -No. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
Oh! Was it double denim? | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
That again doesn't begin with J. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
-J, J, J, jizz... -The 20th century... | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
Yes! You're close. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
I'm close? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
20th century. You only got one vowel out. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
-Jazz! -Jazz! Jazz music. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
I disagree with this question. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:40 | |
Our very, very naughty people have suggested | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
that Hitler, Stalin and Franco were right for disliking jazz. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
I personally love jazz. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
So you're saying that Hitler didn't like jazz? | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
Not just didn't like it. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
-The more I hear about this guy, the less I like him. -I know. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
I know. I agree. Jazz was, to the Germans, inimical. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:02 | |
They thought it was total evil. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
-It was completely against everything they stood for. -But people, presumably, | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
did listen to it in great numbers. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
There's a bit of...yow! SNAPS FINGERS | 0:12:11 | 0:12:13 | |
A bit of that of an evening, and then as soon as the SS come round, | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
"Turn it off!" | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
But Mussolini, oddly enough, for all his faults - | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
and let's face it, they were many and grievous - | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
he listened to jazz in private. His son, Romano, | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
was one of post-war Italy's most celebrated jazz musicians. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
He played with Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington and Chet Baker. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
You can't get much higher than that in the jazz world. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
I know what they mean. Just Bill clicking his fingers there, | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
I felt the urge to do very bad things. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
-You know... -I got the best seat this evening. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
BILL CLICKS FINGERS | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Is that how they would scare German machine gun outposts? | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
They'd just creep up and go, "Zoo-babiddy-bow! | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
"Bow-bow!" | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
They're firing regularly and you fire syncopatively. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
Yeah. Boom-boom, boom-boom-boom! | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
But it's quite important. I read One For The Road, and also, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
I spent a little bit of time in South Africa. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
-Jazz clubs are very important, culturally... -Absolutely. In South Africa, huge. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:16 | |
Underground, illegal, likely to be shut down with disastrous consequences for all who take part, | 0:13:16 | 0:13:21 | |
but really quite important, so hard to imagine it | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
being that now. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
But like rock and roll, it became a symbol of defiance. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:31 | |
-In Paris, it was hugely important. -Wasn't that Hitler's thing with comedy? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
He didn't like Jewish comedy cos if you laugh with someone - presumably the same with music - | 0:13:34 | 0:13:39 | |
if you enjoy their music, you couldn't hate them. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
What you're experiencing there is cognitive dissonance. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Cognitive dissonance is exactly right. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
I think you'll find that's it. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
Take the audience through cognitive dissonance. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Never mind them, take me through cognitive dissonance. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
It's exactly what you described - | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
the ability to hold two opposing opinions at the same time. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
They seem to contradict each other, but actually, humans can do that. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:03 | |
Here's cognitive dissonance. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:04 | |
Here I am on QI, like you see on the television. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
It's quite nice, everyone seems nice, I'm having a nice time. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
And yet, we've had the question, "What did Hitler get right?" | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
Which is exactly what my grandmother told me would happen if I went on television. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:17 | 0:14:18 | |
Last night, I had an anxiety dream about coming on here. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:23 | |
I was so terrified of it. In the dream, I was sitting here. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
I think I was on the other side. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:27 | |
-An you were asking the question very sternly. -No. -Yes. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
The question was, "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?" | 0:14:30 | 0:14:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:36 | 0:14:37 | |
I didn't know the answer. And I said, "Do they worship it?" | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
And the screens went, "Worship it! Worship it!" | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
Which was absolutely terrifying. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
Stephen, ask the question. Let's make it happen. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
I'm such an amateur, I didn't even Google the answer. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
That's an amazing dream. That's very specific. It's not like... | 0:15:00 | 0:15:04 | |
I dream, "Oh, I went up to the shops and bought some milk and bread." | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
I wake up and go, "Where is it?" | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
I thought, "I'm sure I went up the shop and got it but... | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
"That's a crazy dream. Must have been that blue cheese I had last night." | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
But that's really... | 0:15:21 | 0:15:22 | |
Yeah, definately the blue cheese was the issue. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
"Blue cheese." | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Were you actually asleep? Or was this a sort of premonition? | 0:15:28 | 0:15:32 | |
-We'll find out. -Yes, we will. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
-Can we just confirm, this is happening now? -Yes. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
We're not in one of Vicky's dreams, cos that would be... | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
That'd be brilliant! | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
You could be the March Hare. I'll be the Aztecs... | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
-Bring it on. -Let's get some blue cheese. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
Well, Maxim Gorky, the great Russian writer, wrote this on the subject of jazz - | 0:15:51 | 0:15:56 | |
"The dry knock of an idiotic hammer penetrates the utter stillness. | 0:15:56 | 0:16:00 | |
"One, two, three, ten, 20 strikes, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
"and afterwards, a wild whistling and squeaking, as if a ball of mud was falling into clear water. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:08 | |
"Then follows a rattling, howling and screaming, | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
"like the clamour of a metal pig, the cry of a donkey, | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
"or the amorous croaking of a monstrous frog. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
"The offensive chaos of this insanity | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
"combines into a compulsive, pulsing rhythm. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
"Listen to this screaming for only a few minutes, | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
"and one involuntarily pictures an orchestra | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
"of sexually wound-up mad men, | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
"conducted by a stallion-like creature | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
-"who is swinging his giant genitals." -LAUGHTER | 0:16:33 | 0:16:38 | |
I am now having an anxiety dream! | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
That's a description of Jedward, isn't it? | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
Well, anyway, that's probably enough jazz. Here are four J birds. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:54 | |
What immediately comes to mind when you look at them? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
-Wings. -It's J I'm after. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
There's something that allows you to recognise them | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
that a bird-spotter would call their... | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
-Jizz. -Yes! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:08 | |
-Yes. -You knew that? -I'm a twitterer, aren't I? -Yes! | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:11 | 0:17:15 | |
Jizz is an acronym, not... | 0:17:18 | 0:17:19 | |
Don't think of where you might think it's going. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
It's the General Impression, Size and Shape. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
It came from being able to spot planes in the war. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
You could spot the outline of planes from underneath. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
It was a military term, Jizz, | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
-but birders use it, too. -Everything you say is believed by many | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
but unfortunately, there's no evidence for that. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
So while you got the word absolutely right | 0:17:41 | 0:17:45 | |
and there are points pouring your way, | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
-the actual explanation is not proven. -So there'd be a book | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
I could look up the internet at home, "Jizz on birds," and that is fine. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:54 | |
Yes. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
Absolutely right. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
I've got a lot of growing up to do, is all I know. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
The pop etymology is that it might be "just is". | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
In other words, you can't say specifically | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
why that aeroplane is Spitfire or that bird is a siskin. It just is. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:12 | |
Or even "gist", the essence, the gist. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
-Yeah. -But no-one's quite sure. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
The other kind of jizz is a contraction of the word jism. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
-What does that mean? -Jism, jisar, jisat, jisarum. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:25 | |
-I could tell you where it comes from. I could show you! -No! | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
You're not to do that. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:31 | |
-Again. -Too late? -Yes. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
Jism has a meaning. Can you imagine what jism might mean? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
It means spirit or energy. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
-Yeah. "I withhold my jism. I deny them..." -You shouldn't do that. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
Is that meant to encourage us? What's that doing? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
-It's spiritual energy. -Oh, yeah, sure(!) | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
That looks like we're trying to sell some sort of massage CD. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
-Here's a top jizz fact. -Go on. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Imagine one little sperm. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
-A tiny-winey little sperm. -Got it. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
They're very, very small. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
You couldn't see it with the naked eye. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
No bigger than an acorn. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
You know about computers and memories and things. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
They have information on them, | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
which is expressed in terms of bytes, kilobytes or megabytes. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:25 | |
How much information do you think is in the DNA of one little sperm? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:30 | |
I think it just says, "Swim." | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
-So - what, one bit? -One bit. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
-One bit. -One bit of information - swim that way. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Either one bit or one trillion bits. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
It's 37.5 megabytes. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
Which means that a normal ejaculation... | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
-Talk about your hard drive. -..represents... | 0:19:44 | 0:19:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:48 | 0:19:49 | |
Is this...just after you've logged off? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:55 | |
Just going to plug in my dongle, Bill. | 0:19:56 | 0:20:00 | |
How many more of these can we...? | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
-Before we go home. -As long as it's not a floppy. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
You can still hold a lot in a floppy. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
A normal male ejaculation, if there is such a thing... | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
I came here to talk about the Aztecs! | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
Will you accept my personal apology, Victoria? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
..is the equivalent of 15,875 gigabytes. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:27 | |
That's 15.8 terabytes. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
That's about 7,500 laptops' worth of information in one ejaculation. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:35 | |
It's gone to waste, just thrown away. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
-Well, not necessarily. -Down the end of a sock. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
-Stop it. -What? He started it. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
Yes, jizz, as you knew as a bird-spotter, | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
is that indefinable something, the shape, the gait, the outline | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
that allows you to identify a bird. But we have | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
the four birds we showed you. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:01 | |
-I thought you were going to say, "We have some jizz." -No! | 0:21:01 | 0:21:05 | |
"We have some birds you can identify here by their jizz." | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
-We literally do. -Oh, look. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Yep. They all begin with J, that's your clue. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
-I'm going to say that's a jayhawk. -That's not a hawk, is it? Look at it. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:18 | |
-What are you saying?! -That, swooping down and picking up a rabbit?! | 0:21:18 | 0:21:23 | |
Look, that's it to scale, Bill. That's the size of it. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:27 | |
Oh, right. Oh, it's a long way off. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
-It's massive! -Have you seen a hawk's beak and eye? | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
A hawk's... Yes! It's not the common hawk. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
It's a raptor. That's not a raptor, | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
that's a flipping flycatcher or something. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
-You are very good, it's a flycatcher. -It's a flycatcher, | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
-there you go. -He's good, he's good. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
Yeah, don't mess with the jizzmeister. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
Hey, I was second on that. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
-No, you weren't, you weren't even close. -I came second. -A hawk? | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
You just mentioned a type of bird, | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
-that's not coming second. -Stick up the next one. I'll get it. -In medieval times, | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
did they go out with one of them on a gauntlet? "Fly!" | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
-That is called a blacktail. -"Bring me a fly!" | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
Shh! Just to finish it, that was a flycatcher, it was a Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
-A crested... -Oh, God, here we go again. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
-Wait a minute. -Oh, tit-tyrant, oh... | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
"A Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant." | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
A crested, spotty-chested member of the tyrant flycatcher... | 0:22:21 | 0:22:26 | |
A spotty-chested member? | 0:22:26 | 0:22:27 | |
There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernandez Islands are. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:31 | |
SPLUTTERS: Breast Cock Lane? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
That's the spirit! | 0:22:37 | 0:22:38 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
Now you're getting it. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
You are getting into it very much. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
-The Juan Fernandez Islands? -Somewhere in South America. -Chile. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
-Chile. -Fair enough, OK. The next bird, this black one here. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:53 | |
It's some sort of... What is that, a bird of para...? No. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:57 | |
It's got massive green...feet. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:58 | |
It's a weaver bird, in fact. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
If I tell you it's a weaver bird, | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
-you'll probably know it comes from...? -Yorkshire. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
Yeah. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:09 | |
-It's Jackson's widowbird. -Jackson's widowbird? -The next one. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
-At least name the type of bird that it is. -Jabiru, it's a stork. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:19 | |
-And it is a jabiru, correct answer. -Yes, of course. -Very good. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:23 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
This man is good. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
That is a jabiru, it's a stork, | 0:23:27 | 0:23:28 | |
and it can be five foot tall with a nine-foot wingspan. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
It's a hell of a stork. Well spotted. This man is impressive. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:35 | |
-Oh, thank you. -OK, and the last one. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
Oh, it's very punk rock, it's from... | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
I would say it's from the '70s. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:43 | |
JEW'S HARP PLAYS | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
Jedward. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:46 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
We'll allow you that. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
I think he could be called the Jedward bird from now on, | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
it does have another J word. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:56 | |
-Do you know what type of bird that is, Bill? -It's, erm... | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
-Hawk. It's a hawk! -Look at the size of its beak! | 0:23:59 | 0:24:04 | |
-How can it pick up a rabbit? -Those are oranges! | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
-It's actually a waxwing. -It's a waxwing. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
-It's a Japanese waxwing. -Oh, it's a Japanese one! -Japanese waxwing, | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
found in Japan, China and Eastern Russia. Very good. OK. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes? | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Oh, I don't want to say now. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
-I guess he had more time on his hands. -Stick with it. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:25 | |
What did he do twice...? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
Oh, I do know. It's, er... | 0:24:27 | 0:24:28 | |
it's, er...ejaculate. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
Ejaculate is the right answer! | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:24:33 | 0:24:34 | |
This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Homes | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
because it's in the book. It's an old term meaning to... | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
To exclaim, expostulate. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
He constantly... "'But, Holmes!' I ejaculated," you get a lot. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:49 | |
-I mean, the books are brilliant anyway. -They are. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
But every 20 pages, that happens and you go... | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
SNIGGERS | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
-They call it the canon? -Christ! | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
The canon is the... | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
-And one up the spout. -Oh, Christ. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
As in the word "canonical". | 0:25:12 | 0:25:13 | |
-I give to you the canon. -Yeah. -Stand back! | 0:25:13 | 0:25:17 | |
There's approximately 23 ejaculations. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
48 terabytes of information are coming your way. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:26 | |
-Stand by! -You're a very lucky lady. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:30 | |
-Watson ejaculates 11 times. -Christ on a bike! | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
Holmes, on one occasion, refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder | 0:25:36 | 0:25:41 | |
being invaluable to his art. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
Watson does ejaculate from his very heart | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
in the direction of his fiancee. Holmes gives six, | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
but there is one where it's quite hard to tell who it is. So... | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
-That can happen, Stephen, yeah. -Who's ejaculating here? | 0:25:53 | 0:25:57 | |
Let's just, let's just...imagine. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
"So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat, | 0:25:59 | 0:26:03 | |
"when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up." | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
-"I found..." -Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:12 | |
-Stop! -We've talked enough about your dreams. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story The Naval Treaty. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:19 | |
He ejaculates three times, actually. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
The only other ejaculator is Mrs Sinclair's husband, | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
who ejaculates from a second-floor window. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:29 | 0:26:30 | |
This is the most fun I've ever had on this show. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:35 | |
The funny thing is, it probably would be... | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
-I'm not joining in with this, by the way. -Quite right. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
This is genuinely a point about Sherlock Holmes. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
He probably did ejaculate fewer times than Watson, in the other sense as well. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
-Obviously, they didn't exist. They're invented. -He wasn't married. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
-But doesn't he seem like he's constantly taking it out on the violin? -Yes. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:55 | |
And the injections of cocaine. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
-Drugs don't help, do they? -Some of them do. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:01 | |
LAUGHTER Apparently. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:02 | |
-The old blue cheese. -The "blue cheese". | 0:27:02 | 0:27:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
So, now, | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
whose speech intones, harangues and declaims | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
in a long, meandering cascade of sounds, syllables, stresses and intonations | 0:27:12 | 0:27:18 | |
that might at first seem to be full of sense and meaning, | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
but soon reveal itself to be an empty, vain, hollow, | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
-and completely meaningless stream of gibberish? -JALALAIKA PLAYS | 0:27:24 | 0:27:27 | |
-You. -LAUGHTER, BELL RINGS | 0:27:27 | 0:27:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:31 | 0:27:35 | |
-Yeah. -So, it's a stream of gibberish that sounds intelligent? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:41 | |
This is a technical term, used by people who study such things, | 0:27:41 | 0:27:45 | |
to describe a stage of speech. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
-BILL: Tongues? Speaking in tongues? -Like a baby. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
-VICTORIA: A juvenile? -Toddlers, babies, you're in the right area. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:55 | |
-There are phases... -AUDIENCE: Aw! | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
-Aw, bless! -Did they really need to add the little kittens there? | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
Was it not cute enough? | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
-I know. It's so sweet, isn't it? -Look at the little babies! | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
It's known as "jargon", oddly enough. It's known as "toddler jargon", | 0:28:08 | 0:28:13 | |
where the rhythms and the intonations | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
are like the language that is going to become the one they speak. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
If they're Japanese, it will sound like Japanese, but not actually be Japanese. If they're Welsh, | 0:28:18 | 0:28:23 | |
or German, or Peruvian, it will sound like their language. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:27 | |
-So they get the structure, the syntax, before...? -Yeah, so it'll go like... | 0:28:27 | 0:28:31 | |
STEPHEN IMITATES A BABY | 0:28:31 | 0:28:34 | |
AS A BABY: I told you he would come along and ruin our life! | 0:28:35 | 0:28:39 | |
-So basically small children are like Snoopy's teacher? -Yes! That's right. Long strings of syllables, | 0:28:39 | 0:28:44 | |
having varied stress and intonation in the same rhythm | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 | |
and rise and fall, the same cadences as English speech. | 0:28:47 | 0:28:49 | |
They sound like whole sentences, | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
but don't actually mean anything at all. | 0:28:51 | 0:28:55 | |
-Like Eamonn Holmes. -LAUGHTER | 0:28:55 | 0:28:58 | |
Don't all kids get it at the same age as well? | 0:28:58 | 0:29:01 | |
Yes, more or less. That's the extraordinary thing. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:04 | |
That's what Noam Chomsky discovered, the great linguist, was that language was pre-programmed. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:08 | |
If you're going to have a baby, you can go to a website, | 0:29:08 | 0:29:11 | |
and put your due date in, | 0:29:11 | 0:29:14 | |
and then they will send you emails weekly telling you what the development of the foetus is, | 0:29:14 | 0:29:20 | |
and then after you have the baby, they will then send you emails weekly saying, | 0:29:20 | 0:29:23 | |
-"This is what your baby will be doing." -Good Lord! | 0:29:23 | 0:29:26 | |
There are phases where it will be blowing spit bubbles, | 0:29:26 | 0:29:29 | |
and it's astonishing. Every week, it's right. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:32 | |
But wouldn't it be disturbing if your baby was either ahead | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 | |
or behind? Would you not be freaked out? | 0:29:35 | 0:29:37 | |
Yes, you would be. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
It's in the early weeks, the early first three or four months, | 0:29:39 | 0:29:43 | |
all the little developmental stages are the same for all infants. It's really, really interesting. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:48 | |
-Learning to point, things like that. -Oh, it's miraculous. It is a phenomenal thing, | 0:29:48 | 0:29:53 | |
the growth of a child, | 0:29:53 | 0:29:55 | |
and as you say, the stages of inbuilt, programmed development of language | 0:29:55 | 0:29:58 | |
and gesture, which seems to be predictable, as you say. | 0:29:58 | 0:30:03 | |
And between that 12 and 13 months, you get that babble. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:06 | |
Anyway, who first used the expression, "OMG?" | 0:30:06 | 0:30:09 | |
-Was it Hannah Montana? -It wasn't Hannah Montana. -That was my guess. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:13 | |
-It was a good guess, a reasonable guess. -I'm guessing | 0:30:13 | 0:30:15 | |
-that in the past, it's meant something else. -No, as "Oh, my God." | 0:30:15 | 0:30:19 | |
-"Oh, my God..." -Jesus. -Not J...! | 0:30:19 | 0:30:21 | |
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE | 0:30:21 | 0:30:26 | |
No, this is genuinely a use of OMG in a communication. | 0:30:27 | 0:30:30 | |
Is it going to be on a Morse Code...? | 0:30:30 | 0:30:32 | |
No, though funnily enough, you're in the right area. | 0:30:32 | 0:30:35 | |
-Military? -Kissinger? | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
Not military, naval. It was two of the great naval figures | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
of the First World War. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:42 | |
-Who was the First Lord of the Admiralty during the...? -Oh! | 0:30:42 | 0:30:45 | |
-Erm, I have no idea. -Churchill. -Winston Churchill. | 0:30:45 | 0:30:48 | |
But the great Lord Fisher, in 1917, wrote a letter to Winston Churchill | 0:30:48 | 0:30:53 | |
saying, "I hear that a new order of knighthoods is on the tapis", | 0:30:53 | 0:30:57 | |
meaning "on the carpet". | 0:30:57 | 0:30:58 | |
"OMG, shower it on the Admiralty." | 0:30:58 | 0:31:01 | |
-Hmm! -So there you are - "Oh, my God." | 0:31:01 | 0:31:04 | |
-What year was that, sorry? -1917. -OMG. -Yeah, OMG. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:08 | |
-That's a really good fact. -That's a good fact, isn't it? | 0:31:08 | 0:31:11 | |
Can we be certain he meant, "Oh, my God"? | 0:31:11 | 0:31:13 | |
Yes, definitely, he put, "Oh, my God" in brackets afterwards. | 0:31:13 | 0:31:16 | |
He wrote, "OMG, brackets, Oh, my God." | 0:31:16 | 0:31:18 | |
That rather ruined the point of abbreviating it to save time! | 0:31:18 | 0:31:21 | |
As he was the first user, I guess he had to explain it. | 0:31:21 | 0:31:23 | |
"OMG, by which I mean, of course, the longer expression 'Oh, my God'." | 0:31:23 | 0:31:28 | |
Eric Partridge's Dictionary of Abbreviations in 1942 | 0:31:28 | 0:31:32 | |
contained dozens of SMS-friendly examples such as "agn" for again, | 0:31:32 | 0:31:36 | |
"mth" for month and "gd" for good. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
So they pre-existed. | 0:31:38 | 0:31:40 | |
But I heard someone vocalise "lol". I actually heard... | 0:31:40 | 0:31:44 | |
Someone said "lol" as opposed to laugh. | 0:31:44 | 0:31:46 | |
It was two kids in the street, I told them a joke | 0:31:46 | 0:31:49 | |
and she went "lol", like that. | 0:31:49 | 0:31:50 | |
-Rather than laugh? -Rather than laugh. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:54 | |
-That's just some horrible post-Orwellian nightmare. -It is. | 0:31:54 | 0:31:58 | |
How amazing is that going to be at stand-up gigs? If people just... | 0:31:58 | 0:32:02 | |
An audience starts going "lol"? | 0:32:02 | 0:32:04 | |
Let's just try it. | 0:32:05 | 0:32:07 | |
After three, just say the word "lol" with as little expression as you can. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:11 | |
Here we go. One, two, three. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:13 | |
AUDIENCE: Lol. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
Tim Minchin has actually suggested | 0:32:16 | 0:32:19 | |
that because people don't laugh out loud when they say "lol", | 0:32:19 | 0:32:22 | |
he suggests "MAS - mildly amused smirk." | 0:32:22 | 0:32:26 | |
Which could be quite good, | 0:32:26 | 0:32:28 | |
-because that's what happens. -Or "NELI" is another one you could have. | 0:32:28 | 0:32:32 | |
N-E-L-I, "Not even laughing inwardly." | 0:32:32 | 0:32:34 | |
But you'll be impressed to know | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
that in 1659 is the first use of "to unfriend." | 0:32:38 | 0:32:42 | |
Which we thought was a modern Facebook phrase. | 0:32:42 | 0:32:45 | |
But "to unfriend" was used by Thomas Fuller, | 0:32:45 | 0:32:48 | |
who wrote to theologist John Heylyn, | 0:32:48 | 0:32:50 | |
"I hope, sir, that we are not mutually unfriended | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
"by this difference which hath happened betwixt us." | 0:32:53 | 0:32:55 | |
Yes, and then I believe his friend wrote back | 0:32:55 | 0:32:58 | |
-that he "liked" that message. -Yes, exactly. | 0:32:58 | 0:33:01 | |
Anyway, where do Arabic numbers come from? | 0:33:01 | 0:33:04 | |
Ooh. | 0:33:04 | 0:33:06 | |
I...don't know. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
Interesting fact, though, the oasis is about 110 miles that way. | 0:33:08 | 0:33:13 | |
No, that's the chart position. In... | 0:33:13 | 0:33:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:15 | 0:33:18 | |
..in the Yemen. | 0:33:20 | 0:33:23 | |
-They're not as big there, are they? -Nah, they don't like it. | 0:33:23 | 0:33:26 | |
-What do we mean by Arabic numbers? -We mean the ones we use, don't we? | 0:33:26 | 0:33:29 | |
I presume you mean how people who speak or write Arabic write numbers. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:34 | |
-No, we call our numbers Arabic numbers. -Do we? | 0:33:34 | 0:33:36 | |
I thought our numbers... OK. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:38 | |
Roman alphabet and Arabic numerals. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:42 | |
And Gregorian...chanting. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:44 | |
And French...pastries. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:48 | |
-Come on, you must know this. -Danish pastries, German mustard... | 0:33:48 | 0:33:52 | |
Is it Persia? | 0:33:52 | 0:33:53 | |
-No, it's not Persia. -It's not going to be in Arabia, is it? | 0:33:53 | 0:33:56 | |
-It's not Arabia. -It's just outside Arabia. Arabia Parkway. | 0:33:56 | 0:34:00 | |
It's actually Hindu. In Arabic, they call them Hindu numbers. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
In fact, in Arabic numbers, we have very little in common. | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
You can see a car number plate here and you'll see that on the left | 0:34:07 | 0:34:11 | |
is 29-5994 | 0:34:11 | 0:34:13 | |
and on the right, that is the Arabic for 29-5994. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:19 | |
And as you see, it's only the 9 that is actually the same. | 0:34:19 | 0:34:22 | |
-So they're not Arabic numbers at all. -No, we tend to call them that. | 0:34:22 | 0:34:25 | |
We should start... Let's call them Hindu numbers. | 0:34:25 | 0:34:27 | |
We should call them Hindu numbers, exactly right. | 0:34:27 | 0:34:30 | |
Or we could call them "numbers". | 0:34:30 | 0:34:31 | |
Yeah, but what's the fun in that? | 0:34:32 | 0:34:34 | |
Yeah, quite. I want you to tell me, because it's quite interesting, | 0:34:34 | 0:34:38 | |
and that's the name of the game, | 0:34:38 | 0:34:40 | |
which is the only number in the English language | 0:34:40 | 0:34:42 | |
which, when written out, is in alphabetical order? | 0:34:42 | 0:34:44 | |
Erm...eight. | 0:34:44 | 0:34:48 | |
-No. -OK, well, seven. -43. | 0:34:48 | 0:34:51 | |
Eight is good, but I comes after G. | 0:34:51 | 0:34:54 | |
OK, I'm going to have to guess, | 0:34:54 | 0:34:55 | |
-because there's not enough time and I'm dyslexic. -One. Two. | 0:34:55 | 0:34:58 | |
-Two. -No. -Three. | 0:34:58 | 0:35:01 | |
O comes before T. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:03 | |
So they have to be in alphabetical order. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:05 | |
-Oh, I see. Ohh. -Forty. | 0:35:05 | 0:35:08 | |
Yes! Well done. | 0:35:08 | 0:35:09 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:35:09 | 0:35:13 | |
Very good. | 0:35:13 | 0:35:14 | |
Were you going through all the numbers? | 0:35:14 | 0:35:17 | |
I bet I was going through all the numbers at the same time you were. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:21 | |
-40 is the one. -Alan was on three when you got there. | 0:35:21 | 0:35:23 | |
You three were all talking and we're sitting going, | 0:35:24 | 0:35:27 | |
MUTTERING: "No, not that one, no..." | 0:35:27 | 0:35:30 | |
All right. What's the most difficult word to guess in hangman? | 0:35:30 | 0:35:33 | |
Whatever you've got written there, I can tell you it's "cull". | 0:35:35 | 0:35:38 | |
-Cull? -It doesn't matter what you've got written. C-U-L-L. | 0:35:38 | 0:35:41 | |
In the number of letters you get in hangman, nobody ever says C or L. | 0:35:41 | 0:35:44 | |
They'll go for U when they've gone through the other vowels. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:47 | |
Then they've got blank U blank blank, and one turn left. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:51 | |
-That's really good. -If you're going to play hangman and you want to have a bet on it... | 0:35:51 | 0:35:55 | |
-OK. Have you played hangman for money? -Yes. | 0:35:55 | 0:35:58 | |
Who plays hangman for money?! | 0:35:58 | 0:36:00 | |
Victoria Coren, she bets on anything. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
I was about to say, "I've done everything for money," but I know what you'd do with that. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:07 | |
I really appreciate it! | 0:36:07 | 0:36:09 | |
So, "cull". I think it might be something without any vowels. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:14 | |
No! Because they go through the vowels and if it's not there, | 0:36:14 | 0:36:17 | |
-"Oh, no vowels. Must be 'rhythm'. " -Yes, but this is a four-letter word. | 0:36:17 | 0:36:23 | |
So it might be "lynx" or "onyx" in that case. | 0:36:23 | 0:36:26 | |
There is someone who's been very scientific about this, which you'd appreciate as a games player. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:30 | |
This person designed an algorithm to arrive at this conclusion, | 0:36:30 | 0:36:33 | |
and he basically simulated 50 hangman games for every word in the dictionary. | 0:36:33 | 0:36:40 | |
That's 90,000 words. Nearly five million games. | 0:36:40 | 0:36:43 | |
He then took the thousand trickiest words, | 0:36:43 | 0:36:46 | |
and ran the game 3,000 times on each. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
In total, he played nearly 15 million games | 0:36:48 | 0:36:51 | |
to reach the conclusion | 0:36:51 | 0:36:53 | |
that, actually, the hardest is the word "jazz". | 0:36:53 | 0:36:57 | |
-What? -People just don't get the word "jazz". -Really? | 0:36:57 | 0:37:00 | |
-Or possibly "jizz", but no-one knows if he tried "jizz". -They never guess Z. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:05 | |
The other words were "hajj", H-A-J-J, which is a difficult one, | 0:37:05 | 0:37:09 | |
"jazz", "lynx", apparently. | 0:37:09 | 0:37:11 | |
"Buzz" was also difficult, and "fuzz" | 0:37:11 | 0:37:13 | |
because people just choose Z as the last resort. | 0:37:13 | 0:37:17 | |
Fine. Next time we're out in a bar, | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
you play "jazz", I'll play "cull", we'll see who wins. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:22 | |
You've got it. OK. But you've rather given away your strategy. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:26 | |
-LAUGHTER -Anyway, | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs? | 0:37:28 | 0:37:31 | |
No! APPLAUSE | 0:37:31 | 0:37:35 | |
You see? | 0:37:37 | 0:37:39 | |
The thing is, Victoria, | 0:37:40 | 0:37:41 | |
whatever you dreamt was the answer IS the right answer. | 0:37:41 | 0:37:44 | |
Yeah, but I know the answer isn't, "Did they worship it?" because... | 0:37:44 | 0:37:49 | |
BELL RINGS | 0:37:49 | 0:37:51 | |
I think you'll find I said that's NOT the answer. | 0:37:56 | 0:37:59 | |
What the answer actually is, I don't know. | 0:37:59 | 0:38:01 | |
Why is a raven like a writing desk? It's that sort of question. | 0:38:01 | 0:38:05 | |
-It is. -Maybe for years people will now debate this. | 0:38:05 | 0:38:07 | |
50 years from now, people will be asking, | 0:38:07 | 0:38:10 | |
"Why was the March Hare important to the Aztecs?" | 0:38:10 | 0:38:12 | |
There is a kind of answer that maybe your subconscious somehow knew. | 0:38:12 | 0:38:17 | |
They worshipped rabbits, not hares. | 0:38:17 | 0:38:19 | |
So some part of your brain knew that Aztecs worshipped rabbits. | 0:38:20 | 0:38:25 | |
-They honestly...? Aztecs worshipped rabbits? -It's true. | 0:38:25 | 0:38:27 | |
I swear to you I didn't know that. | 0:38:27 | 0:38:30 | |
I swear, and I think they're going to believe me. | 0:38:30 | 0:38:33 | |
I'll go even further than this. | 0:38:33 | 0:38:35 | |
There are many people who believe | 0:38:35 | 0:38:37 | |
that the rabbits that the Aztecs worshipped were jackrabbits, | 0:38:37 | 0:38:40 | |
which are, in fact, technically a type of hare. | 0:38:40 | 0:38:44 | |
-And a J word, which makes it even better. -And a J word. -This is spooky! | 0:38:44 | 0:38:48 | |
So, Victoria Coren... | 0:38:48 | 0:38:50 | |
Burn the witch! | 0:38:50 | 0:38:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
Witch! | 0:38:54 | 0:38:56 | |
-Absolutely spooky. -You didn't see that one coming, | 0:38:58 | 0:39:01 | |
and yet you did. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:03 | |
I dreamt a thing that I didn't think I knew | 0:39:03 | 0:39:05 | |
-that you say is nearly a fact beginning with J? -Yeah. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:08 | |
-This world is far more mysterious than we give it credit for. -Isn't it just? | 0:39:08 | 0:39:13 | |
Anyway, now we come to our exciting jolly jape. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:16 | |
I have a jigger device. Alan, you're going to have to help me with this. | 0:39:16 | 0:39:21 | |
This is a device for fishing | 0:39:21 | 0:39:24 | |
in the Inuit world of the Arctic, | 0:39:24 | 0:39:27 | |
where, as you know, you think of ice fishing - | 0:39:27 | 0:39:30 | |
they pop a hole in the ice and they sit forlornly | 0:39:30 | 0:39:33 | |
with a little fishing rod, hoping for a fish. But a better way | 0:39:33 | 0:39:36 | |
would be to have a net, but how can you put a net through thick ice? | 0:39:36 | 0:39:39 | |
They've developed an extraordinary machine. | 0:39:39 | 0:39:42 | |
Now, you have to use your imagination here. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:45 | |
I've got this carpet, which I'm going to unroll. | 0:39:45 | 0:39:47 | |
And here I have my device. Now, Alan, | 0:39:47 | 0:39:52 | |
you're the one who's going to have to operate it. | 0:39:52 | 0:39:54 | |
There, you've got the string. Now, | 0:39:54 | 0:39:58 | |
this is actually used by the Inuits | 0:39:58 | 0:39:59 | |
to connect two holes, distantly from each other, | 0:39:59 | 0:40:03 | |
in such a way that they can thread between them | 0:40:03 | 0:40:06 | |
and therefore lay a net down and catch lots of fish under ice. | 0:40:06 | 0:40:10 | |
That's it! Yeah. | 0:40:10 | 0:40:12 | |
You're pushing with the string, but imagine this is upside-down. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:16 | |
-This is the bottom of the ice. -Oh, yeah. | 0:40:16 | 0:40:19 | |
So we're upside-down here. | 0:40:19 | 0:40:21 | |
-Oh, wow! Now I feel weird. -Oh, whoa! | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
-I can't breathe! -Yeah. | 0:40:23 | 0:40:25 | |
Be bolder, be bolder. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:28 | |
I'm not getting any purchase on the rug. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:31 | |
That is what all the girls say. | 0:40:31 | 0:40:34 | |
BILL: Ah, I see. | 0:40:34 | 0:40:36 | |
-It's a really... -Now I'm getting a bit of grip. | 0:40:36 | 0:40:39 | |
-Oh, yes. -Look at that! | 0:40:39 | 0:40:41 | |
-Look at me go now! -You might want to watch it really as it works. | 0:40:41 | 0:40:46 | |
There's the real thing. | 0:40:46 | 0:40:48 | |
There's an Inuit. | 0:40:48 | 0:40:50 | |
The point is, it goes under the water. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:56 | |
-He licks there, so he can see it through the ice. -Eugh! | 0:40:56 | 0:41:00 | |
And he digs it and it is underneath. | 0:41:00 | 0:41:04 | |
By pulling it... There we go. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:08 | |
Ooh, aah, eeh, aah! | 0:41:08 | 0:41:10 | |
-BILL: Yes? -You see? | 0:41:10 | 0:41:12 | |
-Now, have a look this way. -There we go. | 0:41:12 | 0:41:14 | |
This is it under the ice. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:17 | |
-How does it not sink? -Exactly. How does it not just plummet? | 0:41:17 | 0:41:20 | |
It's wood so it floats. | 0:41:20 | 0:41:22 | |
-Oh, I see. -How does his tongue not stick to the ice? | 0:41:22 | 0:41:25 | |
-LAUGHTER -Like in Dumb And Dumber - | 0:41:25 | 0:41:28 | |
-how is he not just going... -MUMBLED: -"This was a terrible idea"? | 0:41:28 | 0:41:31 | |
When it gets to the other end, he pulls up the rope, | 0:41:31 | 0:41:34 | |
from which he can then hang the net which catches the fish. | 0:41:34 | 0:41:37 | |
-Brilliant. -When you think about it, there's no other way you could do that. | 0:41:37 | 0:41:40 | |
You couldn't just put a hole in the ice. How do you get the string to the other hole? | 0:41:40 | 0:41:44 | |
BILL: Devilishly clever, though. | 0:41:44 | 0:41:46 | |
When did they invent this? Is this a recent thing? | 0:41:46 | 0:41:50 | |
-About 100 years ago. -Wow! | 0:41:50 | 0:41:52 | |
Anyway, that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Inuit fish jigger. | 0:41:52 | 0:41:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:41:57 | 0:42:00 | |
I'm going to pop it away. | 0:42:00 | 0:42:03 | |
Which brings us to the scores! | 0:42:04 | 0:42:07 | |
I don't know whether to do this backwards or forwards. | 0:42:07 | 0:42:10 | |
I'll go backwards, actually, with our last place. It's noble | 0:42:10 | 0:42:14 | |
but it's -22. Jimmy Carr! | 0:42:14 | 0:42:16 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:16 | 0:42:19 | |
I took a few for the team! I took a couple for the team. | 0:42:19 | 0:42:23 | |
But I'm always happy to see, | 0:42:23 | 0:42:26 | |
in somewhere as high as third place, Alan Davies with -6! | 0:42:26 | 0:42:30 | |
Thank you very much. | 0:42:30 | 0:42:32 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:32 | 0:42:34 | |
And this is astonishing. With +10, Bill Bailey. | 0:42:36 | 0:42:39 | |
I never get +10. | 0:42:41 | 0:42:42 | |
-Really? Really? -No. | 0:42:42 | 0:42:45 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:45 | 0:42:47 | |
And the mad woman who dreams of Aztecs and hares, | 0:42:47 | 0:42:51 | |
Victoria Coren on +13! | 0:42:51 | 0:42:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:53 | 0:42:55 | |
Well, that's all from Victoria, Jimmy, Bill, Alan and me. | 0:43:01 | 0:43:05 | |
Be gloriously good to each other, thank you and goodnight. | 0:43:05 | 0:43:09 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:28 | 0:43:30 |