Not Nearly QI XL


Not Nearly

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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How very kind.

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How lovely. Thank you very much...

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and welcome to QI, where tonight,

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we are turning positively negative,

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in the "Not Nearly, Nearly Not, Neither and No" show.

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So let's meet our naysayers -

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the never-knowingly under-funny Gyles Brandreth.

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APPLAUSE

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And the nearly perfect Jimmy Carr. APPLAUSE

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Thanks very much!

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The not-half-bad Victoria Coren Mitchell.

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APPLAUSE

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And no, no, no, no, no...

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yes.

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It's Alan Davies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And why not hear their buzzers? Jimmy goes...

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# Na na na na, na na na na na

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# Na na na na na, na na na na na. #

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And Victoria goes...

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# No no # No-no, no no

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# No-no, no no

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# No no There's no limit. #

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And Gyles goes...

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# Na na na na na na na na na

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# Na na na na na na na na na. #

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You look like the games teacher at a school's disco.

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And Alan goes...

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# No, no, a thousand times no

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# I'd rather die than say yes. #

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I like yours best, actually. I thought that was very nice.

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And so to the first question,

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and it's important you don't listen un-carefully to this one.

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Alan, don't you not want some points or not?

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ALAN GROANS Gyles is writing it down.

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Well, that's very difficult to say yes or no to!

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-What do you reckon?

-There are three negatives.

-Ah, yes.

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"Don't you not want some points or not?" "Do you not...?"

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-Do you not want some points...

-Or not?

-Do you not...?

-Do you not...?

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-We also don't know whether he does or not.

-Yes.

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"Don't you not want some points, or not?"

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-Do NOT not want points...

-So, here's the thing...

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-It's true to say that I do not NOT want points.

-Yes.

-Or not?

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So "or not" would mean that you...do.

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-"Do you want points or not?"

-Yes, but...

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-The answer is...

-Is...

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LAUGHTER

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-Well, it's two questions!

-No, it's just one question with one answer.

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But I'll just tell you now -

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one answer has a klaxon, and one doesn't. There.

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-Do you think I'm giving too much away here?

-Can we help him?

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The show's nearly over. I'm filibustering.

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-Gyles, Gyles.

-Sometimes with these really taxing questions,

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-the thing to do is to translate them into another language.

-OK.

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-Because that makes it simpler.

-Oh, right.

-Because, as we know,

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-you asked the question in English.

-I did, yes.

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English - there are 500,000 words in the Oxford English Dictionary,

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it is the largest language in the world.

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-Well, there's more than a million now, in fact.

-Ah, well, indeed,

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including all the words you've introduced since the series began.

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-Perfectly true.

-In my edition - 500,000 words.

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The German language only has about 150,000 words,

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-and the French have fewer than 100,000 words.

-Yes.

-OK?

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-Including "le weekend".

-Yes. ALAN BUZZES

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-Oh, yes? Have you thought about it?

-Yes.

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Yes is the right answer!

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APPLAUSE

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-Yes?

-Yes isn't the right answer.

-Oh!

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-It's not a yes/no question.

-No, that's what I thought.

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But, fundamentally, yes is better than no.

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-In your life, maybe.

-Yes, I was enjoying Gyles'...

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But, curiously, the answer would have been different...

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I didn't mean I would come back to it.

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-I wasn't enjoying it that much.

-But interestingly, the answer in French

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would have been yes.

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Oh, no - no!

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In French you could have said, "I don't know,"

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which is "je ne sais pas", which is a double negative.

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Ah. Or... But if you translate it... What did you originally say?

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Is it too early to lose the will to live?

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I'm extremely concerned, Sandi, that you,

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a role model for women everywhere,

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should, in fleshing out the double negative,

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come out with the statement, "Broadly, yes is better than no"!

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That's not what I'll be telling my daughter!

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APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

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There's a lot of these in pop, aren't there?

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A lot of these in pop and rock lyrics.

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-Yes.

-There's lots of I Can't Get No Satisfaction.

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Yes, there is. And if it's a positive double negative,

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-like Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual, that's fine. OK?

-Why is that fine?

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Well, it never used to be a problem, the double negative,

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and then, in the 18th century, they became obsessed with mathematics,

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-and it's to do with mathematics.

-Oh.

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So they began to codify the language as being illogical

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if it didn't fit with mathematical thinking. So, in mathematics,

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-minus a minus is a plus.

-Oh, do do this in Danish!

-OK.

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Yes. SHE SPEAKS IN DANISH

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No, I won't do it now. APPLAUSE

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If you do that, I'd think I'd had a stroke.

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I always think that there's a body been found,

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as soon as I hear Danish.

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You can almost feel the wind on the bridge.

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I tell you what, it's a hell of a contortion

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if you can feel wind on your bridge.

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I'm trying to think what position you'd have to be in...

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I don't know, but I'm going to try and sketch it.

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Just pass it along when you've done.

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Anybody know the difference between no and nay?

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Is it like the French non and si,

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where si is a yes if somebody is expecting the answer no?

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Yeah, you're exactly right.

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It's to do with the type of question that you get.

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So there used to be, in early modern English -

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so we're talking, sort of, late 15th to late 17th century -

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two affirmatives, yes and yea,

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and two negatives, which were no and nay,

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and so subtle the rules that even the people at the time thought,

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"I have no idea how this works."

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But, basically, yes and no were responses to

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questions posed in the negative.

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So, "Will he not go?"

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The answer is, "Yes, he will," or "No, he will not."

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But if you positively frame a question, "Will he go?",

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the answer is, "Yea, he will," or "Nay, he will not."

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-Are you allowed to say "nay" without saying "sirrah"?

-That's right.

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-GYLES:

-Or, indeed, prefacing it with "hey nonny, no nay"?

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-VICTORIA:

-Yes.

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I'll be docking points from anybody who gets it wrong

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from now on. Is that clear?

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-Yes, but not...

-No, not exactly.

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-Yes, but not entirely. Is that correct?

-Yes and no.

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-Yea.

-Yea.

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-KLAXON

-What?

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It was positively phrased, so the answer, in fact -

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Victoria is entirely right - is yea is the answer.

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-It's yea, is the answer?

-Yes.

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And so, yea...

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Yea is the equivalent...

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Yea is the equivalent of yes,

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but nay is not the equivalent of no - that's what we've learnt.

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-No. So... VICTORIA:

-No!

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LAUGHTER

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Yea is yes if the answer yes is expected.

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Yea and nay are for positively-framed questions,

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and yes and no... I'm losing... Honestly, I can't...

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-What we've learned is nothing.

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-Ah!

-We weren't really paying attention.

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-That was the problem.

-I know, exactly.

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But what I can tell you is that there's really

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nothing wrong with double negatives.

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Only arbitrary pedants believe there isn't...not.

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Now it's time for my favourite subject in all the world - not.

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It's sport. GYLES GROANS

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-Yea, sport!

-Yea, sport(!) OK. GYLES:

-Nay!

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Why is the person on the right such a loser?

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Oh, isn't this interesting?

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-I don't know yet.

-No, no, no, no...

-LAUGHTER

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Just because he's not got any badges and ribbons on,

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he's obviously been in a court martial -

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he's had them stripped off him.

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That's why he's the loser.

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You are in the right area.

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Is he standing in for someone?

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-Well...

-Oh, is it a centaur?

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Is he half-man, half-horse?

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Actually, the other guy's riding a horse and he's actually the horse,

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and those are fake legs.

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Oh, that's my favourite, but no.

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So, he's a sort of nearly man.

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-An understudy?

-I don't think we can call them that any more.

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APPLAUSE

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The idea, Jimmy, that you would teach me

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to be politically correct...

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-I'm so sorry.

-You're so fantastic.

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I've started a new thing on the show which is my random Scandinavian,

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and this is my "randy Scandi", this guy.

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He took part in the 1948 Olympics.

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His name is Sergeant Gehnall Persson.

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He was in the Swedish Equestrian team,

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and they easily won gold in the dressage

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and then they were stripped of the medal,

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because the French, who came second,

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noticed that he was wearing a sergeant's cap.

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So you were in the right area, absolutely, Gyles.

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In those days, Olympic equestrianism was open

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only to officers and gentlemen.

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It was an amateur sport,

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and other ranks were considered to be professionals.

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So what had happened - he'd been given a bogus promotion

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to being a lieutenant, just for the Games,

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but he forgot to change his hat.

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-Oh!

-But it's a happy ending -

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the gentleman rule was changed, and he went on to win gold

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at the next two Olympics, just as a sergeant,

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and he didn't have to be a lieutenant.

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So, here's the thing that I think, OK?

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I would like to see the amateur ethos brought back to sport.

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-What do you think about that?

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, 100%.

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The amateur thing with sport is...

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They've ruined it now, haven't they? They've ruined the Olympics.

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-Have they?

-Well, I think...

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You can't have Eddie the Eagle or Eric the Eel or any of those,

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-kind of, the fun ones...

-No! Can I say?

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Drugs are the making of the Olympics.

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Don't you think? I mean, you know...

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Isn't it an exciting idea - who can go faster and faster and faster?

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Then, maybe you need two Games.

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-You need a clean one and you need a drug-addled...

-Yeah, exactly.

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-So, do you...?

-What do people watch most?

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Lance Armstrong made a very interesting point

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in that documentary they made about him.

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He basically said, "Yes, I was on drugs - so was everyone else.

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-"I was the best on drugs."

-Yeah.

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I also think that the drugs should be more interesting.

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Does anybody know what the very first-ever substance-abuse case

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in the Olympics dealt with?

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-Well, it was a very high-class affair.

-Oh...

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The first person banned for substance abuse?

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-Sherry.

-You're very close.

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-Yes?

-Was it absinthe?

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-No.

-Oh, sorry, I wasn't answering.

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I was just hoping someone could bring a sherry.

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Was it an animal that was doped?

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-No.

-A human?

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It's a fantastic American swimmer called Eleanor Holm.

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She was suspended from the American Olympic swim team in 1936 for

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drinking too much champagne.

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-No...

-Now, who...?

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That's good.

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How much champagne is too much champagne?

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-I think it's...

-That's all relative.

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You wouldn't think it would particularly

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improve her performance.

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I mean, she was happy.

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You've only got to go backwards and forwards with swimming -

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you've got to keep yourself busy.

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Bubbles could have helped keeping her up, and afloat.

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The first time I went dog racing,

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I went with a friend of mine and he was betting on the second favourite.

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He said, "It's always good to back the second favourite

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"cos often someone's slipped the favourite a pie."

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And that's...

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The dog... Is the dog like, "I can't run. I've... I'm, oh...

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"Oh..."

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That was delicious, though.

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That's how you nobble a dog race -

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you slip a meat pie to the dog, and then it eats it,

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and, I mean, you can imagine it doesn't run so fast.

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That would probably work on this show, do you not think?

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Many's the time I've been slipped a pie, Sandi.

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So from a nearly man, to the world's biggest nobody.

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What did these guys do when they realised their cox was too big?

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I presume they threw him overboard.

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Kind of. It's a really sweet story, this.

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So we all know what the cox does.

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-The cox tells them...

-He steers the boat.

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-Steers the boat, yes.

-Stops them from rowing into things.

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From "coxswain", literally a boat servant.

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Also shouts "row", which doesn't seem necessary in any other sport.

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No-one in the 100 metres has got a guy on the side going,

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"Left, right, left, right."

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-So this boy is the cox?

-He BECAME the cox.

0:12:200:12:23

He was the replacement. This is...

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First of all, I love these outfits. Can I just say?

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If every sport wore these...

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-Yes, is it unusual to do it in your underpants?

-I think they're sweet.

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-They look gorgeous.

-They're anatomically correct.

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Not necessarily.

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This is the Dutch cox pair from the 1900 Olympics.

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So what happened was they got through to the final

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and they had an overweight cox called Hermanus Brockmann,

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and they thought it was going to cost them the gold.

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So they had noticed that the French crews were using children as coxes,

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and so they decided to get one of their own,

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and they plucked one from a crowd - this boy.

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He'd already been discarded, actually, by the French

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as being too heavy.

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He's between seven and ten years old,

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nobody knows his name,

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but with him coxing they won the gold,

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and then he vanished back into the crowd.

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He is an Olympic gold medallist,

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and nobody knows his name.

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-Isn't it the sweetest story?

-Incredible.

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Also, the idea that he was telling his friends,

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"I went and I saw the rowing, it was amazing."

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"Where did you sit?" "I had a great seat!

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"Yeah, I was in the boat."

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He's the only anonymous gold winner ever in the Olympics.

0:13:200:13:23

The medal was given to the overweight cox

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who didn't actually row, Hermanus Brockmann, he got the gold medal.

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And he was disappointed that it wasn't made of chocolate.

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I think that's the main disappointment

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of all gold medal-winners in the Olympics.

0:13:340:13:36

"Oh, seriously?"

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Yes, indeed. They sacked their cox and got a lad in to do his job.

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And now for something that's not quite the full shilling.

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So, I have got three bottles of wine.

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I've got a very nicely aged Chateau Brandreth.

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-Ooh! How lovely.

-I'll pass that to you down there.

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I've got a - this is rather lovely - Jimicar Valley White.

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Fruity and fresh. I'll just pass that.

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Very excellent with cheese.

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And this one...

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What are you saying about Jimmy's material?

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Cheesy and fruity? Oh, fair enough.

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This one goes down very well, I hear.

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It's a 1966 Alan Davies Piteous Whine.

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There we go. So, Victoria, you know nothing about these wines.

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Let us imagine that you care for all wines

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-in a rather similar manner.

-Mm-hmm.

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-I can make that leap of the imagination.

-Thank you very much.

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Which one would you purchase, based on the price?

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On those prices, I mean, all of them. I'd still get change...

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People who have wine stoppers - what's the point of that?

0:14:330:14:36

-What are they for?

-Indeed, what are they for?

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APPLAUSE

0:14:400:14:42

-If you mean genuinely, what would I do?

-Yes, genuinely.

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I'm not a wine snob. If I didn't know anything about them,

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I'd buy the cheapest one.

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Would you buy the one that's £5.50?

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Yeah, why not? I don't know what the extra 50p will get me.

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I was told by somebody who knows about wine that you should

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consider the duty on the wine.

0:14:560:14:58

-Oh, right.

-So if a bottle...

0:14:580:15:00

If the duty says £4 on a bottle and the bottle is £5,

0:15:000:15:04

-you're really paying for a £1 bottle of wine.

-Wow.

0:15:040:15:07

But if it's £6, you're paying for a £2 bottle of wine,

0:15:070:15:09

-so it's therefore twice as good.

-Ooh.

0:15:090:15:11

-So, even though it's only £1 more...

-Ah.

0:15:110:15:13

-And I have followed that advice ever since.

-Was that man...?

0:15:130:15:16

So, this guy buying a £1 bottle of wine,

0:15:160:15:18

was he outside a shop at the time? Was he?

0:15:180:15:21

Was he in the park drinking, perchance?

0:15:210:15:23

He was... He was already drunk.

0:15:230:15:26

Anybody else? Anybody? What would you go for, Jimmy?

0:15:260:15:28

Second-cheapest, always.

0:15:280:15:29

Right, so you'd go for the 5.99?

0:15:290:15:31

Well, yeah. Well, you know...

0:15:310:15:33

In restaurants, people never choose the cheapest one,

0:15:330:15:35

and they don't feel they can afford the most expensive

0:15:350:15:37

because that's usually about £600,

0:15:370:15:39

so they go for the one above the cheapest,

0:15:390:15:41

-which would be the 5.99.

-Except, except...

0:15:410:15:43

And then once you've had one bottle, just get the house.

0:15:430:15:45

But also, is there not...?

0:15:450:15:46

If there's only a penny difference, you see,

0:15:460:15:48

is there not a psychological advantage there?

0:15:480:15:50

It is, this is the thing. It's called psychological pricing,

0:15:500:15:52

and most... It's also known as charm pricing or magical pricing,

0:15:520:15:55

pretty pricing.

0:15:550:15:57

Most people would go for the 5.99...

0:15:570:15:59

They wouldn't be so cheap, Victoria.

0:15:590:16:01

They'd go for the 5.99, and there seems to be a subconscious thing

0:16:010:16:05

that we prefer precise prices to round ones.

0:16:050:16:07

That seems to be a thing.

0:16:070:16:09

And also, it's called a left-digit anchor effect,

0:16:090:16:11

so the 5.99, it's still in the £5 bracket,

0:16:110:16:14

it's not quite in the £6 bracket,

0:16:140:16:15

and therefore, we seem more likely...

0:16:150:16:17

-Are we still falling for this, people?

-I know!

0:16:170:16:19

Isn't there a theory on this,

0:16:190:16:20

that it started because they wanted to make sure

0:16:200:16:22

that they weren't being ripped off by their vendors?

0:16:220:16:24

If you've got to give them a penny change,

0:16:240:16:26

it has to go through the till.

0:16:260:16:28

Yes, there was a theory about that,

0:16:280:16:29

but there are experiments that suggest

0:16:290:16:31

that you do better to price products at £5.99 than at £5.50,

0:16:310:16:34

because the 99 feels like a reduction.

0:16:340:16:36

It is odd that £6.01 sounds a lot more than £5.99.

0:16:360:16:41

-It sounds about 40 quid more.

-Yes, it does, doesn't it?

0:16:410:16:44

Also, what a bore to have 99p in change.

0:16:440:16:46

That's the reason for not doing it.

0:16:460:16:48

Well, the Official Monster Raving Loony Party in this country

0:16:480:16:51

has proposed creation of a 99p coin to save change.

0:16:510:16:54

APPLAUSE

0:16:540:16:56

It's a very good idea.

0:16:590:17:01

Is this genuinely wine, or have they filled the bottle with water?

0:17:020:17:05

I haven't opened it to check. Why don't you unscrew it and see?

0:17:050:17:08

-This is wine.

-This is wine.

0:17:080:17:10

It's Beaujolais. Have we got any glasses?

0:17:100:17:13

APPLAUSE

0:17:130:17:14

Do you think you've overpaid for that, or was that all right?

0:17:190:17:21

-No, I think that's all right.

-That's not too shabby?

0:17:210:17:23

I think I've done well with the cheapest one.

0:17:230:17:25

I think in restaurants you should always order the house wine

0:17:250:17:27

because if they should...

0:17:270:17:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:290:17:32

Oh, do you know what? Not terrible!

0:17:320:17:34

No, and weirdly, the next subject that I've got coming up

0:17:340:17:37

is the bacteria in people's mouths.

0:17:370:17:39

-You should always order the house wine...

-Why's that?

0:17:440:17:46

..cos a restaurant ought to stand by its house wine.

0:17:460:17:48

If the house wine is not good then the food is not going to be good.

0:17:480:17:51

And, also, they buy so much of it they can get it at a better price.

0:17:510:17:53

Yes, so that is...

0:17:530:17:54

So, buy the house wine at 99 rather than...

0:17:540:17:57

Well, it depends on how expensive it is.

0:17:570:17:59

So a prestige good, a luxury good like, say, for example,

0:17:590:18:01

do you like handbags? Do you like luxury handbags?

0:18:010:18:03

-Of course, yes.

-No.

-No?

0:18:030:18:05

People are more likely to pay £900 for a luxury handbag

0:18:050:18:08

-than £899.99...

-Oh, yes.

0:18:080:18:10

..cos you don't want it to be affordable, that's not the point.

0:18:100:18:12

-I genuinely... I don't understand about handbags.

-OK.

0:18:120:18:15

And I'm...

0:18:150:18:16

I'm not really a proper girl, as I try to...

0:18:160:18:19

-GYLES:

-Oh.

0:18:190:18:20

And Jimmy's fine with that.

0:18:220:18:25

A handbag is essential.

0:18:250:18:27

Do you carry a man-bag?

0:18:270:18:28

I don't carry a man-bag, but I discovered a handbag was essential

0:18:280:18:30

when I wrote a book about the Queen,

0:18:300:18:33

-and the Queen always has a handbag, one over her arm.

-Mmm.

0:18:330:18:36

And when she moves her handbag from one wrist to the other wrist,

0:18:360:18:42

that is the cue for the equerry-in-waiting to move you on.

0:18:420:18:46

Oh.

0:18:460:18:47

-So, when you are next, Sandi, chatting with Her Majesty...

-Yes.

0:18:470:18:50

..and thinking it's going rather well,

0:18:500:18:52

doing some of your amusing Danish stuff, erm...

0:18:520:18:54

LAUGHTER

0:18:540:18:57

Not tactful but...

0:18:570:18:58

-She can't get enough of it.

-She can't.

0:18:580:19:00

She can't - her husband is a Dane. She loves all that.

0:19:000:19:02

She loves the Nordics.

0:19:020:19:03

-She loves all that.

-Philip?

0:19:030:19:05

-Yeah.

-I think he's Greek.

0:19:050:19:06

Oh, no, no. Oh, no, that's just a cover.

0:19:060:19:09

OK. LAUGHTER

0:19:090:19:12

-He's quite mad, you know.

-No!

0:19:120:19:14

I had lunch with Her Majesty and she appeared to have nothing but

0:19:140:19:16

-dog biscuits in the bag.

-Yeah, well...

0:19:160:19:19

But, anyway, that is the trick.

0:19:190:19:20

So, just watch out when she moves the bag from one wrist to

0:19:200:19:23

the other, you know it's your time to step away.

0:19:230:19:26

-Move along.

-Move along.

0:19:260:19:28

Erm, in The Meaning Of Liff, which is a fabulous book,

0:19:280:19:30

a Kibblesworth, which is a village in Tyne and Wear,

0:19:300:19:33

is defined as "the footling amount of money

0:19:330:19:35

"by which a price is less than a sensible number",

0:19:350:19:37

which I like.

0:19:370:19:39

Shall we put the bottles away? Do you want to give me...?

0:19:390:19:42

-Give me yours!

-I AM putting it away!

0:19:420:19:43

No, give me yours, sweetheart. APPLAUSE

0:19:430:19:46

I'll keep it safe.

0:19:490:19:51

So, I got 99 problems, but the pence ain't one.

0:19:510:19:54

Now. Just... That's for the younger people.

0:19:540:19:57

Here is a not-unknotty poser for you to consider.

0:19:590:20:03

What's a really unfortunate name to have on the internet?

0:20:030:20:06

I was thinking of that one of, like, there's a...

0:20:060:20:09

There's a Pen Island that has a website.

0:20:090:20:11

Oh! Yes!

0:20:110:20:13

-Is that right?

-Which doesn't look great.

0:20:130:20:15

-No.

-What?

-Pen Island.

0:20:150:20:17

Oh, Pen Island! OK.

0:20:170:20:19

There's actually a company that I've worked for

0:20:200:20:22

called Bound And Gagged Comedy,

0:20:220:20:24

and if you type in "bound and gagged" - ooh!

0:20:240:20:28

I found that once. I googled "big carthorse" - and, my word!

0:20:280:20:33

That could take your eye out.

0:20:330:20:35

Sorry - for what legitimate reason were you googling "big carthorse"?

0:20:350:20:40

I get lonely.

0:20:410:20:43

Anyway, there are all sorts of names that don't work.

0:20:460:20:48

There's a man called Christopher Null, who is from Texas,

0:20:480:20:51

and he finds that computers regularly reject anything,

0:20:510:20:54

because "null", in lots of programming languages,

0:20:540:20:57

basically means "this space is intentionally left blank".

0:20:570:21:00

Now, here is the good thing -

0:21:000:21:01

Mr Null is a prominent tech journalist,

0:21:010:21:04

as I think you can tell by his thrusting photograph,

0:21:040:21:07

and the easiest thing, apparently,

0:21:070:21:09

is to put a full stop after the name, is the best way.

0:21:090:21:11

There are all sorts of names like that -

0:21:110:21:13

computers go, "Well, I don't know."

0:21:130:21:15

Oh, I see. As in null and void?

0:21:150:21:16

-Yes.

-So you type in "null" and nothing appears?

0:21:160:21:18

-Yes...

-He's the Invisible Man! That's what he looks like.

0:21:180:21:20

Yes, that is indeed what he looks like.

0:21:200:21:22

But he's not on his own, there've been hundreds of people in China

0:21:220:21:25

who've had to change their names

0:21:250:21:26

because the computer codes don't exist

0:21:260:21:28

and they don't have the Chinese sign for it.

0:21:280:21:29

And therefore they don't exist so they've had to change their name,

0:21:290:21:32

otherwise they can't apply for a driving licence, or whatever.

0:21:320:21:35

-And what are these people called?

-I don't know the names of all of them,

0:21:350:21:38

because there are several hundred of them.

0:21:380:21:40

-There are a lot of Chinese people, that is a matter of fact.

-Yeah.

0:21:400:21:42

There was a British feminist called Margaret Sandra and, in 1979,

0:21:420:21:46

she dropped her surname because she got very irritated.

0:21:460:21:49

She went to buy a tumble dryer and she wasn't allowed to buy it

0:21:490:21:51

unless her husband signed the form.

0:21:510:21:54

-Ah!

-So she became enraged, and she doesn't have a surname.

0:21:540:21:56

But the result is, if you don't...

0:21:560:21:58

-Wet clothes.

-Yes.

0:21:580:22:00

If you don't have a surname on a computer,

0:22:000:22:02

you can't easily claim benefits

0:22:020:22:03

or you can't book online or you can't...

0:22:030:22:05

There's all sorts of things you can't do.

0:22:050:22:07

So what does...? Poor Bono and Cher, it must be all kinds of...

0:22:070:22:10

-Must be hell.

-The poor things.

0:22:100:22:12

-Just being them, actually.

-They've got no white goods at all.

0:22:120:22:15

Poor Sting can't get a driver's licence.

0:22:150:22:18

Down there at the water's edge, bashing their clothes on rocks.

0:22:180:22:21

"Why are you doing that?" "I can't get a washing machine!"

0:22:210:22:25

-This makes me feel...

-The Edge is no help.

0:22:270:22:29

APPLAUSE

0:22:330:22:35

My favourite story about getting names wrong -

0:22:370:22:39

there was a British student called Adam Armstrong,

0:22:390:22:41

and he had his Ryanair seat accidentally booked

0:22:410:22:44

in the wrong name,

0:22:440:22:45

so the airline was going to charge him £220 administration fee

0:22:450:22:48

to correct this error, and he didn't want to pay the money,

0:22:480:22:50

so he changed his name by deed poll,

0:22:500:22:53

which is free, OK,

0:22:530:22:56

and he got a new passport for £103.

0:22:560:22:58

Way cheaper - instead of paying Ryanair for a clerical error,

0:23:000:23:03

change your name.

0:23:030:23:06

There's a lesson, though I have no idea what it is.

0:23:060:23:09

And now, for a total non-event -

0:23:090:23:11

who's the best person to invite to a "Don't Come" party?

0:23:110:23:14

-Oh!

-Yes.

-A "Don't Come" party?

0:23:140:23:17

It's an actual thing that is used now by charities...

0:23:170:23:20

-Oh, I think I know what it is then.

-Yes.

0:23:200:23:22

It is where, in order to raise money, they say,

0:23:220:23:27

"If you give us £1,000, we will not hold this occasion."

0:23:270:23:31

You don't therefore need to spend money on having your hair done,

0:23:310:23:33

-buying a new frock, hiring a car...

-Yeah.

-..taking part in the raffle,

0:23:330:23:37

buying a balloon, getting the drugs behind the fountain...

0:23:370:23:41

None of these things need to happen.

0:23:410:23:43

It's a cheap, cheap evening.

0:23:430:23:45

Behind the fountain?

0:23:450:23:47

And, what, did this come out of people going,

0:23:470:23:49

"I would pay not to go to that event"?

0:23:490:23:51

-Yes.

-Yes. So people that want to stay at home.

0:23:510:23:53

I would pay not to hear Gyles' after-dinner speech.

0:23:530:23:56

I'm not saying that. I...

0:23:560:23:59

APPLAUSE

0:23:590:24:02

And you can make the thing sound

0:24:020:24:03

as extravagant and glamorous as you like,

0:24:030:24:05

and then don't have it.

0:24:050:24:07

You say it's at a fantastically expensive hotel

0:24:070:24:09

and there's going to be champagne, but don't come,

0:24:090:24:11

and then you get more money because people don't want to go anywhere.

0:24:110:24:14

-So, a "Never Event" is different.

-Yes.

0:24:140:24:16

OK, and do we know what that is?

0:24:160:24:17

Is that an event that was never going to happen?

0:24:170:24:20

No. It's the official name used by hospital administrators

0:24:200:24:23

to describe errors that are wholly avoidable,

0:24:230:24:26

so should never occur.

0:24:260:24:29

Like, I should think using a meat cleaver on a patient would be...

0:24:290:24:33

Before we rush to judgment, we don't know what's the matter with him.

0:24:330:24:36

-No.

-That might be necessary.

0:24:360:24:38

But, curiously, these Never Events do occur.

0:24:380:24:41

I was hosting the British Funeral Directors' awards recently...

0:24:410:24:45

We've got to get you a new agent, dude.

0:24:480:24:50

It was quite quiet, initially.

0:24:510:24:53

-I hope you opened with that.

-It took place at the end of the day -

0:24:560:24:59

they'd had their trade show in the same venue,

0:24:590:25:02

and so around the edges of the room there were coffins, caskets,

0:25:020:25:07

people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them.

0:25:070:25:10

Were you picking a new home?

0:25:100:25:12

AUDIENCE MURMURS DISAPPROVINGLY

0:25:120:25:14

-No! It's all right.

-Can I say...?

-He's old and he'll be dead soon.

0:25:170:25:20

I'm sorry if I was...

0:25:200:25:22

Can I tell you something, Jimmy?

0:25:220:25:24

I don't think you realise how this is getting to me,

0:25:240:25:27

because this morning, this very morning,

0:25:270:25:29

I received a letter through the post

0:25:290:25:31

inviting me to be the new face of the Stannah stairlift.

0:25:310:25:35

-Take it!

-APPLAUSE

0:25:370:25:40

The worst thing about this is...

0:25:440:25:46

..my wife said, "I think we should consider this."

0:25:480:25:51

Then - this is a true story -

0:25:520:25:55

I then phoned them up and I said,

0:25:550:25:58

"Have you thought of Nigel Havers?"

0:25:580:26:00

It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list.

0:26:020:26:05

I'm afraid this is not the first invitation

0:26:060:26:08

of its kind I've received,

0:26:080:26:10

because I also - this is maybe how they got hold of my name -

0:26:100:26:13

I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor

0:26:130:26:19

reaching for the alarm.

0:26:190:26:21

"Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up"?

0:26:230:26:25

That one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment.

0:26:250:26:28

But I have had this brilliant idea,

0:26:300:26:32

which I've now begun to discuss with them,

0:26:320:26:34

because my problem is that I go upstairs

0:26:340:26:35

and can't remember why I've gone upstairs.

0:26:350:26:37

-Yes.

-So my idea is this -

0:26:370:26:40

I attach to the arm of the stairlift

0:26:400:26:43

an old-fashioned tape recorder,

0:26:430:26:45

I sit in the chair, I press the two buttons,

0:26:450:26:47

I tell myself why I am going upstairs.

0:26:470:26:51

-And I go up.

-APPLAUSE

0:26:510:26:54

It's like the worst Beckett play ever.

0:27:010:27:04

And the tape, years later it will be handed down the generations

0:27:050:27:09

with all the reasons why Uncle Gyles went up the stairs for ten years.

0:27:090:27:15

"For a shit."

0:27:150:27:17

Never Events you may not wish to attend

0:27:240:27:26

include Gyles Brandreth addressing funeral directors.

0:27:260:27:30

These are both improbable pictures of George I,

0:27:300:27:33

so what on earth happened here?

0:27:330:27:36

Oh, he had his wig made into a moustache.

0:27:360:27:38

I can give you a clue - they're separate "George I"s.

0:27:410:27:44

The one on the left is Matt Lucas.

0:27:440:27:46

I'm pretty sure that's Matt Lucas.

0:27:460:27:48

I do think they all look like Samuel Pepys - everyone in a wig like that.

0:27:480:27:51

-Yes, those wigs, there, there's a thing.

-Yeah.

0:27:510:27:53

Well, I can tell you, George I of Britain on the left.

0:27:530:27:55

Yes, cos he's dressed up like... He was German, of course.

0:27:550:27:57

He was German.

0:27:570:27:59

In fact, he only spoke German when he first became king.

0:27:590:28:01

GYLES SPEAKS GERMAN

0:28:010:28:03

You don't have to do it in German. It's perfectly fine to...

0:28:030:28:06

How did he become king?

0:28:060:28:07

Well, that is the extraordinary thing,

0:28:070:28:09

because there were 51 candidates to become the next king.

0:28:090:28:12

Why did they choose George?

0:28:120:28:13

All of them were ahead of him - were closer in line to the throne.

0:28:130:28:16

Because we like a German.

0:28:160:28:18

Because the others were all Catholics.

0:28:180:28:19

Ah, of course.

0:28:190:28:21

He was the only Protestant,

0:28:210:28:22

and the Act was designed to ensure that Protestants came to the throne.

0:28:220:28:25

-The Act of Settlement?

-Yeah.

0:28:250:28:27

It must have been like an upset on the X Factor,

0:28:270:28:29

-when the outsider comes in.

-Yes, yes, it was exactly like that.

0:28:290:28:32

Start kicking Catholics off the X Factor,

0:28:320:28:34

that'll stir up the ratings.

0:28:340:28:35

Arbitrarily.

0:28:370:28:39

-We've got it back to the old rules.

-Yes.

0:28:390:28:42

So, the other George I,

0:28:420:28:43

also another king who took office against the odds, he's my random...

0:28:430:28:46

-Is he your...? Is he going to be Danish?

-He is, he's a randy Scandi.

0:28:460:28:49

-He is a randy Scandi.

-Yes, yes!

0:28:490:28:51

He was Prince William of Denmark, and he became King of Greece in...

0:28:510:28:54

Yup. That's... Excuse me!

0:28:540:28:55

Yes?

0:28:550:28:57

-He's alive!

-Almost...

0:28:580:29:01

You may recall that I mentioned earlier -

0:29:010:29:03

and there was, sort of, ribald laughter -

0:29:030:29:05

-that the Duke of Edinburgh was Danish.

-Yes.

0:29:050:29:07

The Duke of Edinburgh is Danish

0:29:070:29:08

because he is a direct descendant of this man.

0:29:080:29:10

-OK, fair enough.

-And...

0:29:100:29:12

So, surprisingly, at the end of the Greek War of Independence,

0:29:120:29:14

so 1829...

0:29:140:29:15

LAUGHTER

0:29:150:29:18

..Greece was in chaos. Who can imagine such a thing?

0:29:180:29:20

-Greece in chaos?!

-I know. It was the most extraordinary thing.

0:29:200:29:23

-What now with the who, how?

-I know.

0:29:230:29:25

They had this guy called King Otto, and he was hopeless,

0:29:250:29:27

and they didn't like him, so he was overthrown

0:29:270:29:29

and they had a referendum to decide his successor.

0:29:290:29:32

And there was Prince William of Denmark

0:29:320:29:34

and Prince Alfred, who was the second son of Queen Victoria.

0:29:340:29:37

There were 240,000 votes counted and Prince William got six, OK?

0:29:370:29:42

The Greeks voted 95% of them that they wanted

0:29:420:29:45

the British Prince, Prince Alfred.

0:29:450:29:47

How touching.

0:29:470:29:48

But there was a treaty that banned British royals from

0:29:480:29:50

taking the Greek throne, so Prince William got it.

0:29:500:29:53

He got it.

0:29:530:29:54

-With six votes?!

-With six votes, yes.

0:29:540:29:56

Oh...

0:29:560:29:57

That's democracy and royalty working together.

0:29:570:30:01

They did try a lot of other royals as well,

0:30:010:30:02

before they came down to these final two to put in the mix.

0:30:020:30:05

They did, and what I like is there were 93 votes in the referendum

0:30:050:30:08

for a republic and one to bring back King Otto.

0:30:080:30:10

I mean, we have no idea who that was.

0:30:100:30:11

-And they took it...

-I think it might have been Otto.

0:30:110:30:15

Otto's loyal butler.

0:30:150:30:18

So, anyway, your chances of ascending the throne may be

0:30:180:30:21

better than you thought,

0:30:210:30:22

and here's another coronation that was not without its controversies.

0:30:220:30:25

Have a careful look at this and tell me what's not all right.

0:30:250:30:28

First of all, do we know which coronation it is?

0:30:280:30:31

-It's Queen Victoria.

-So, does anybody know what went wrong?

0:30:310:30:34

They crowned the wrong woman.

0:30:340:30:37

A lady called Karen was crowned. She ruled for 80 years.

0:30:370:30:40

In a way, it's almost what happened. It's five hours, it was.

0:30:400:30:42

First of all, the Archbishop of Canterbury

0:30:420:30:44

forced the coronation ring onto the wrong finger -

0:30:440:30:46

caused her severe pain,

0:30:460:30:48

and they couldn't get it off afterwards.

0:30:480:30:50

And three years later,

0:30:500:30:51

he did exactly the same thing at her wedding.

0:30:510:30:53

He was just not ring-savvy, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

0:30:530:30:56

Then the Bishop of Bath and Wells

0:30:560:30:57

accidentally turned over two pages in the service book,

0:30:570:31:00

and he cut out the whole section where they made her Queen.

0:31:000:31:03

What do you mean, "the whole section"?

0:31:050:31:07

That's surely the whole coronation, isn't it?

0:31:070:31:09

But the coronation was invalid,

0:31:090:31:11

and in fact she had left the Abbey before they realised

0:31:110:31:14

and she had to come back and do it again.

0:31:140:31:16

I love that, they had to do a retake.

0:31:160:31:18

And then, as the Lords were being presented to her,

0:31:180:31:21

the elderly, rather aptly named Lord Rolle, became globally famous

0:31:210:31:25

for tripping over on the steps leading to the throne

0:31:250:31:28

and rolling all the way down.

0:31:280:31:29

Apparently she didn't endear herself to the public until that moment,

0:31:300:31:34

and when Lord Rolle fell down the stairs

0:31:340:31:36

she got up and tried to help him,

0:31:360:31:37

and after that they thought, "Oh, she's..."

0:31:370:31:39

-Because she was very young, wasn't she?

-Yeah, she was a teenager.

0:31:390:31:42

I mean, it must have been an unbelievable thing.

0:31:420:31:44

Now, here's a substance you may be not unfamiliar with,

0:31:440:31:47

even if you don't think you're not.

0:31:470:31:51

What might you use Nobel's...

0:31:510:31:52

This whole episode's giving me a headache.

0:31:520:31:55

What might you use Nobel's Safety Powder for?

0:31:550:31:58

JIMMY BUZZES Yes?

0:31:580:32:00

Is that not the original name for dynamite?

0:32:000:32:03

It is. Absolutely right. It's the original name for dynamite.

0:32:030:32:05

-You're absolutely right.

-That's the... That's the... Yeah.

0:32:050:32:09

He was the one that made it kind of safe.

0:32:090:32:11

Well, it was safer than the alternative explosives,

0:32:110:32:14

and in the end he called it dynamite,

0:32:140:32:15

which is from the ancient Greek for "power",

0:32:150:32:17

but dynamite is less likely to blow up while you're handling it.

0:32:170:32:20

Why did he want to blow up pretty Japanese girls?

0:32:200:32:23

Sorry?

0:32:230:32:25

We've just seen the photograph - I mean, the picture.

0:32:250:32:27

-Let's go back. Let's go back and have a look.

-Yeah.

0:32:270:32:29

Is that not a geisha of some kind?

0:32:290:32:31

I'm going to guess that that's a mock-up for amusement purposes.

0:32:310:32:34

-Oh, for today.

-Yes.

-Oh, it's not the original advertisement.

0:32:340:32:37

No, I don't think suggesting... LAUGHTER

0:32:370:32:39

Well, the idea that someone would be, you know,

0:32:390:32:41

flicking through What Quarry magazine, going,

0:32:410:32:45

"This stuff looks... This looks pretty good."

0:32:450:32:48

-"I'll get some of that."

-Oh, that's a bit disappointing.

0:32:480:32:50

You'd have to have serious cellulite to want to

0:32:500:32:52

put dynamite to it, I'd think.

0:32:520:32:54

There was no Botox. Yes.

0:32:540:32:55

-That'd be quite a thing.

-Some people will do anything.

0:32:550:32:57

-They sell embalming fluid as a beauty cream.

-Do they?

0:32:570:32:59

-GYLES:

-I know that, actually.

0:32:590:33:00

Well, yeah, from your friends in the funeral business.

0:33:000:33:04

I was wondering what was keeping you looking so fresh.

0:33:040:33:07

-He's got a bucket of it.

-Yeah.

0:33:070:33:09

So he went on and called it dynamite,

0:33:130:33:15

and then he made the even safer "blasting gelatine",

0:33:150:33:17

which is an explosive jelly which is known as gelignite.

0:33:170:33:20

Well, isn't there the thing on him where he...

0:33:200:33:22

-there was a false obituary or a premature obituary of his?

-Yeah.

0:33:220:33:26

That had basically said, this guy was, you know,

0:33:260:33:28

he'd profited from death and then he set up the Peace Prize.

0:33:280:33:31

So they say. Nobody can find such an obituary, so it may be

0:33:310:33:34

one of those things, those stories that we tell...

0:33:340:33:36

It'd be in an old paper. Who can be bothered to look?

0:33:360:33:38

But there's quite a lot of stories like that about him.

0:33:380:33:41

There's a story that there's no Nobel Maths Prize,

0:33:410:33:43

in order to punish all mathematicians,

0:33:430:33:45

because one of them had eloped with his wife.

0:33:450:33:47

It's not true because...

0:33:470:33:49

He wasn't married.

0:33:490:33:50

He never got married.

0:33:500:33:51

He had lots of long-term romantic relationships

0:33:510:33:53

but nobody left him for a mathematician. It isn't true.

0:33:530:33:56

There's no Nobel Prize for Maths

0:33:560:33:57

because there wasn't any reason why there should be one.

0:33:570:34:00

There's no Nobel Prize for PE, or...

0:34:000:34:03

Biology or Geography.

0:34:030:34:05

There isn't even, actually, a Nobel for Economics.

0:34:050:34:07

The Economics Nobel isn't a Nobel Prize.

0:34:070:34:09

It's the Swedish bank, the Riksbank,

0:34:090:34:12

they give it in memory of Alfred Nobel,

0:34:120:34:14

and it's given at the same ceremony.

0:34:140:34:15

Is that a double negative and it is a Nobel Prize?

0:34:150:34:18

It isn't, because it's in memory of him,

0:34:180:34:21

-rather than it was one of the ones which he founded.

-Right.

0:34:210:34:23

Can I say? The way you share this information with us,

0:34:230:34:25

I love hearing you just giving us facts.

0:34:250:34:28

There's a kind of erotic charge in the room.

0:34:280:34:30

LAUGHTER

0:34:300:34:32

I knew one day I'd turn - I never thought it'd be you, Gyles.

0:34:320:34:35

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-OK, who's...

0:34:350:34:38

I think it's just nice for you to

0:34:380:34:41

be in a room that isn't full of coffins, isn't it?

0:34:410:34:43

-GYLES:

-Yeah, yeah!

0:34:430:34:45

-Less funereal.

-Yes!

0:34:450:34:47

But soon, Gyles. Soon.

0:34:470:34:48

At which point, we turn our attention-deficit

0:34:500:34:53

to that slush fund of negative knowledge -

0:34:530:34:55

the General Ignorance round.

0:34:550:34:57

Fingers not unadjacent to buzzers, if you please.

0:34:570:35:00

Name some common Egyptian characters.

0:35:000:35:03

-Yes?

-The Eye of Horus.

0:35:060:35:09

KLAXON

0:35:090:35:11

What are the chances?

0:35:120:35:14

I want to know why the Eye of Horus isn't a common Egyptian character.

0:35:140:35:17

Because it's a hieroglyph,

0:35:170:35:19

and hieroglyphs were only used for special occasions.

0:35:190:35:22

-GYLES:

-Ah.

-So they were not common, in fact.

0:35:220:35:24

Well, I think you'll find

0:35:240:35:25

that there were many special occasions in Egyptian life.

0:35:250:35:28

Yes, obviously. The thing is,

0:35:280:35:29

the normal everyday form of writing in Egyptian was hieratic.

0:35:290:35:32

So it's a simplified version.

0:35:320:35:33

It's a much more cursive version - there it is.

0:35:330:35:35

That's a rarefied klaxon.

0:35:350:35:37

I think, frankly, Victoria, they've set you up there.

0:35:370:35:42

It can only be described as a trap.

0:35:420:35:44

You have them on Only Connect, do you not, hieroglyphs?

0:35:440:35:47

-Yeah, we do.

-Yes.

-In our first series, it was Greek letters,

0:35:470:35:51

and people wrote in and said,

0:35:510:35:53

"We like the show, but we find that pretentious."

0:35:530:35:55

So we began series three with an apology, saying,

0:35:550:35:57

"We'd like to say sorry to anyone that's been enjoying the show,

0:35:570:36:00

"but found the Greek letters a bit pretentious. We've listened,

0:36:000:36:02

"it's your BBC, you've reached out, we've heard you.

0:36:020:36:05

"Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph."

0:36:050:36:08

Well, they're for special occasions, you see.

0:36:100:36:12

The thing is, they can have multiple meanings.

0:36:120:36:14

So, sometimes they just represent the thing they're drawing,

0:36:140:36:17

so it could be a saw of some kind, it could be a tool,

0:36:170:36:19

it could be something else.

0:36:190:36:20

So the nose hieroglyph, for example, means smell or joy or contempt.

0:36:200:36:24

But no vowels. Again, they're like Only Connect, you have a round,

0:36:240:36:27

-don't you, with no vowels?

-We do.

0:36:270:36:28

There are no vowels in Ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs,

0:36:280:36:30

so we have no idea how it would have sounded.

0:36:300:36:32

So, King Ramses could be King Rameesees. We don't know.

0:36:320:36:34

But that's impossible because, you know...

0:36:340:36:36

Well, maybe I suppose you can manage without vowels,

0:36:360:36:39

-because when it comes to diction, vowels for volume...

-Right.

0:36:390:36:42

..consonants for clarity.

0:36:420:36:44

As in the exercise that is performed by actors,

0:36:440:36:47

you repeat the following:

0:36:470:36:48

"Hip bath, hip bath,

0:36:480:36:50

"lavatory, lavatory,

0:36:500:36:52

"bidet, bidet,

0:36:520:36:54

"douche!"

0:36:540:36:55

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:550:36:58

Are these all things...?

0:37:010:37:02

Are these all things you're advertising?

0:37:020:37:04

APPLAUSE

0:37:040:37:06

Just tell us about your sponsorships, please.

0:37:080:37:10

Can I say? People of your generation probably don't know what a bidet is,

0:37:100:37:13

but they are all bathroom appliances of one kind or another.

0:37:130:37:17

-That you're advertising.

-Hip bath, hip bath,

0:37:170:37:19

lavatory, lavatory...

0:37:190:37:20

bidet, bidet, douche!

0:37:200:37:23

-VICTORIA:

-Douche!

0:37:230:37:24

-Douche!

-I didn't like the way you looked at me when you said "douche".

0:37:240:37:27

Now...

0:37:270:37:28

-When this goes out in America, that means something else there.

-Yeah.

0:37:280:37:31

The average ancient Egyptian wrote not in hieroglyphics but hieratics.

0:37:310:37:35

Now, what would happen if you dropped a penny

0:37:350:37:38

from the Empire State Building?

0:37:380:37:40

Oh, no, this is about killing people, isn't it?

0:37:400:37:43

-OK.

-Nothing. It wouldn't kill someone if it hit them.

0:37:430:37:47

It would not kill somebody.

0:37:470:37:49

-It's too light.

-It's too light, absolutely.

0:37:490:37:52

-It's like you could drop a duckling, and it would float.

-A duckling?

0:37:520:37:56

It's incredibly light, and also...

0:37:560:37:58

Wouldn't a duckling fly? Oh, because a duckling can't fly yet.

0:37:580:38:01

It can't fly, but they can fall out of nests and float to the ground,

0:38:010:38:05

-and you know how I know this?

-Yes?

0:38:050:38:07

Because I had a roof terrace that had a pond on it,

0:38:070:38:10

-and some ducks came and moved in...

-Oh!

0:38:100:38:13

..had ducklings, and they all threw themselves off the roof.

0:38:130:38:17

-Oh!

-Three storeys up.

0:38:170:38:19

-Quickly, say there's a happy ending!

-And I ran down the stairs,

0:38:190:38:22

and they were all wandering about in the car park.

0:38:220:38:25

Did they get hit by a car?

0:38:260:38:28

No, somebody rounded them up and put them in a box

0:38:280:38:30

and took them back up the stairs, whereupon they did it again.

0:38:300:38:33

-Oh, no!

-What was it about living with you

0:38:330:38:35

that made them want to jump off a roof?

0:38:350:38:37

That's just what they do.

0:38:370:38:38

Because they're so light,

0:38:380:38:40

they won't plummet to the ground and die - they'll float.

0:38:400:38:42

It's the same with the coins - they're fantastically lightweight,

0:38:420:38:45

and they also have too much air-resistance.

0:38:450:38:47

But if you had a whole bag of them...?

0:38:470:38:49

If you really, really wanted to kill somebody...

0:38:520:38:55

that is perfectly possible.

0:38:550:38:57

A pen would make it. That would drill a hole in your head.

0:38:570:39:00

-That is not a good thing.

-Bad news.

0:39:000:39:02

But, in fact, it's an academic question,

0:39:020:39:04

because the coins mostly don't hit the ground at all.

0:39:040:39:06

What happens is the design and height of the building

0:39:060:39:08

creates so much strong updraught,

0:39:080:39:10

that the tossed coins tend to be pushed back towards the building,

0:39:100:39:13

and they land on the ledges and roofs of the lower floors,

0:39:130:39:16

where the maintenance crew say, "Thank you",

0:39:160:39:19

and collect them all up.

0:39:190:39:22

Indeed. This is not connected with the pennies,

0:39:220:39:24

but can I just tell you

0:39:240:39:25

about one of my favourite creatures in the world?

0:39:250:39:28

It's called the hero ant.

0:39:280:39:30

It's a cliff-dwelling ant in Madagascar.

0:39:300:39:32

Not a looker. Not a looker, I'll be honest.

0:39:320:39:35

It's got the most fantastic way of removing predators from the nest.

0:39:350:39:38

It grabs them and holds them and then jumps off the cliff,

0:39:380:39:42

and then when it hits the bottom it lands softly,

0:39:420:39:45

and then it lets go and climbs back up to the cave.

0:39:450:39:48

-Don't you think that's fantastic?

-That's rather fantastic.

0:39:480:39:51

I mean, you probably shouldn't try it with a home intruder.

0:39:510:39:53

-No.

-That's worth mentioning. But, yeah, for safety.

0:39:530:39:56

A coin dropped from the Empire State Building

0:39:560:39:59

would never reach the ground, and if it did, it wouldn't do any damage.

0:39:590:40:02

Finally, a quick health check.

0:40:020:40:03

Put your hand up if you haven't got haemorrhoids at the moment.

0:40:030:40:06

Put my hand up where?

0:40:060:40:08

KLAXON

0:40:110:40:13

Really?

0:40:150:40:17

I don't mind getting the buzzer, but when you're so gleeful...

0:40:230:40:26

Yes! So...

0:40:260:40:27

I've always got... I've had haemorrhoids for about 25 years.

0:40:270:40:30

The thing is, everybody's got them. We are born with haemorrhoids.

0:40:300:40:33

There isn't anybody who doesn't have them.

0:40:330:40:35

They're cushions, they're sort of made of veins

0:40:350:40:37

which are a normal part of the anatomy, like your eyelids or lips,

0:40:370:40:40

possibly not quite so pretty.

0:40:400:40:42

And they're there to stop the stools leaking out of your bottom.

0:40:420:40:45

They explained all this to me when I went to the audition for the job.

0:40:450:40:49

It's only when they become enlarged or inflamed

0:40:510:40:53

that they cause problems, but we have them all the time -

0:40:530:40:55

we all have haemorrhoids all the time.

0:40:550:40:57

Well, you know what? I think... Shall we go Embarrassing Bodies?

0:40:570:41:00

Will I whip one out? So we've all got them at all times?

0:41:000:41:03

We do, but there's a myth that if you sit on a cold surface

0:41:030:41:06

or, conversely, on a radiator, it causes piles,

0:41:060:41:09

and that's simply not true.

0:41:090:41:10

-And spicy food - not true.

-What causes...?

0:41:100:41:12

Well, there is another old wives' tale

0:41:120:41:14

about reading on the loo, can cause them.

0:41:140:41:16

-That may be true.

-What do you have to read?

0:41:160:41:19

Is it like a spell? An incantation?

0:41:190:41:22

No, it's sitting or standing for too long - strains your rectum.

0:41:220:41:25

-Yes, you mustn't push.

-No. No.

0:41:250:41:28

And also, never resist the call to stool.

0:41:280:41:31

Is that another way of warming up for an actor?

0:41:340:41:36

Harry Hill told me that with his medical hat on -

0:41:370:41:40

"Oh, you must never resist the call to stool."

0:41:400:41:42

I like that. That's very good.

0:41:420:41:43

They think Napoleon may have lost the battle of Waterloo

0:41:430:41:46

because he had a terrible attack of piles

0:41:460:41:48

which made him not sleep the night before.

0:41:480:41:49

Well, they captured the moment, didn't they?

0:41:490:41:52

That is a man with piles.

0:41:520:41:54

Most definitely!

0:41:540:41:56

That's the power of Instagram for you.

0:41:560:41:58

"Your horse is ready." SHE SHUDDERS

0:41:580:42:01

And David Livingstone,

0:42:010:42:02

thought to have died on the banks of the Zambezi from burst haemorrhoids.

0:42:020:42:06

-Oh, no!

-If a haemorrhoid bursts in the forest...

0:42:060:42:09

It's lovely that we're at the haemorrhoids section

0:42:110:42:14

of the show, anyway.

0:42:140:42:15

Yes, absolutely. So, let's have a look at the scores.

0:42:150:42:19

And in first place, with -1 point, it's Gyles.

0:42:190:42:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:240:42:28

In second place, with -5, Alan.

0:42:300:42:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:330:42:36

And in third place, with -8, Victoria.

0:42:390:42:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:410:42:43

-21...

0:42:460:42:48

Jimmy!

0:42:480:42:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:490:42:52

So, it's thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Gyles and Alan,

0:42:590:43:02

and I'll leave you with this - in the 1950s,

0:43:020:43:04

the American philosophy professor Sidney Morgenbesser

0:43:040:43:07

went to a lecture by the English linguistics expert JL Austin,

0:43:070:43:11

who claimed that, while some languages use double negatives

0:43:110:43:15

to make a positive,

0:43:150:43:16

no language uses a double positive to make a negative.

0:43:160:43:19

And from the back of the room

0:43:190:43:21

came Morgenbesser's distinctive New York drawl, "Yeah, yeah".

0:43:210:43:25

Goodnight.

0:43:260:43:27

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