Noel QI XL


Noel

Sandi Toksvig hosts the QI Christmas special with guests Josh Widdicombe, Susan Calman, Matt Lucas and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Good evening! Happy Christmas! Joyeux Noel,

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and welcome to QI.

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The turkey is in the oven, this Queen's speech is on YuleTube

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and it's time to see what's under the tree.

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You'll never guess who - Josh Widdicombe.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A...bit of a know-all - Susan Calman.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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X marks the spot - Matt Lucas.

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Hello! It's me! It's actually me!

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And a Christmas cracker - Alan Davies.

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-Hello.

-WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, let's hear their festive buzzers. Josh goes...

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# Dashing through the snow... #

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-Susan goes...

-# In a one-horse open sleigh... #

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LAUGHTER Matt goes...

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# O'er the fields we go... #

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And Alan goes...

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-CHILD'S VOICE:

-Are we nearly there yet?

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LAUGHTER

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So, God aften, velkomst to QI, or Glaedelig Jul.

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Yes indeed, this year we have gone all Danish.

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The panel are dressed as nisse,

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which is the traditional Danish Christmas elf, and I have to say,

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this is a very Danish thing,

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we have a little competition on Christmas Eve...

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-Ooh.

-..to see who can find the whole almond.

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LAUGHTER

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It's not fun when you actually play it,

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but the winner gets a marzipan pig. There we are.

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Isn't that fantastic? LAUGHTER

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Oh, yes, please.

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Can I ask, where am I going to have to search for the full almond?

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Don't you worry about the almond, but the prize today,

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-the marzipan pig, is rather fine.

-It is.

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So, we shall be doing that and goodness knows what else besides.

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Now, a recent survey asked the British public

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what Christmas tradition should be preserved.

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Number three, paper decorations.

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Number two, carols, but number one was parlour games.

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-Oh, no.

-Right? Yes, so, let's try a parlour game to get us started.

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One Victorian parlour game was called taboo.

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You were asked a question and had to answer without using

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a taboo letter of the alphabet.

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Our taboo letter tonight is obviously N,

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so please answer the following questions

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without using the letter N.

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Matt, name a tasty yellow fruit

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grown mostly in the Caribbean and Central America.

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In the Philippines its name has been corrupted to bayabus.

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Is it, um, a ba-a-a?

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LAUGHTER

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I'm trying to think what's nice and yellow. Crisps.

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-I'm going for crisps.

-LAUGHTER

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-Yes, as a tasty yellow fruit.

-Yes.

-So, no, the answer is guava...

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-Ah.

-..is the answer we were...

-Oh, there is an answer?

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There is an answer! LAUGHTER

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I've been playing this game wrong for years.

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-It isn't banana at all. The answer is guava...

-Guava.

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..is the fruit that we were looking for.

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In the Philippines, it has been corrupted to bayabus.

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-Do you know what the Filipinos call bananas?

-No.

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LAUGHTER

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-They call them bananas. I could've got you with that one...

-Yeah.

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-..had you fallen for it.

-So, Sandi, even in counter...

-Yes.

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-..in cross-examination...

-Yes.

-..the rules of the game still apply.

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-No, just the answer, just the answer.

-Just the answer.

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But a supplementary counts as well, cos you said you could've got...

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It will do with you. Here's your question...

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LAUGHTER

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-Susa Calma.

-LAUGHTER

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Susan, what do you call a woman who looked after Victorian children

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whose mothers were social equals

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but couldn't be arsed to do the job themselves?

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Well, I would call them the help.

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LAUGHTER

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Which is nice, but not the correct term.

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Well, then I would call them...

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SUSAN GIGGLES

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You've got such a gaze, Sandi! It's like the eye of Sauron.

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry, but Sauron's got an N in it.

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Oh, come on!

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I would've said the nanny, or a governess...

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-Oh...

-Yes.

-ALARM RINGS

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-I was essentially cajoled into that.

-You were.

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So, not nanny, obviously,

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because how many Ns have you got there, Susan?

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-At least two.

-At least two.

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Also, not social equal, a nanny.

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It's au pair.

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-JOSH:

-Oh, no...

-Au pair.

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Oh, Josh! Don't start with your,

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"Oh, it was on the tip of my tongue there"!

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-It's been around since the 1840s...

-Has it?

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Well, it literally means social equal, au pair.

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-Does it?

-Yes.

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"Have you met our social equal? She's really, really fit."

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LAUGHTER

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"He's only run off with the social equal!"

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LAUGHTER

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So, nobody doing very well,

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but I'm relying on Josh to get this one right.

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-Watch and learn.

-OK, here we go...

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SUSAN LAUGHS

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..what do you call a Roman Catholic religious woman

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who has taken simple vows of poverty, chastity and obedience?

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Is it the au pair?

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LAUGHTER

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No, it's guava.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, it's difficult, isn't it, now? Yeah.

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Yeah, not so quick with the answers now, are we?

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Tracy?

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LAUGHTER

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-Um, oh, go on, then. Nun.

-Nun...

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-KLAXON

-Yeah.

-No.

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-No.

-So, here's the thing, the answer is a sister.

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So a nun has taken solemn vows, but a sister has taken simple vows.

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It's a technical difference to do with the repudiation of property.

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So a nun's SOLEMN vow repudiates property absolutely.

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A sister's SIMPLE vow allows her to reserve an interest.

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LAUGHTER

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She's hedging her bets, Josh. Hedging her bets, that one.

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-Right, Alan.

-Yes.

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Name any of the digits in the common emergency telephone number.

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It's like you can see the brain working.

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-Common emergency telephone number...

-Yeah.

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What is that?

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Is that when you call the operator

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and you say, "Is that the operator on the line?

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"Get off quick - there's a train coming."

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Wahey! HE GROANS

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LAUGHTER

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111. Oh, no, that's got Ns in...

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KLAXON

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-Oh...

-So, what's the difference?

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-There's an emergency number which is?

-999.

-999.

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KLAXON

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They're great guys, they're great guys.

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-LAUGHTER

-Brutal.

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-But the common emergency telephone number is 112.

-Is it?

-Yes.

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So you can use it on a mobile phone, even if it's locked

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-or you haven't got a SIM card...

-It has got Ns in, 112.

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Well, I asked you to name any of the digits in the common emergency...

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-Oh, come on!

-So you could've said two.

-Oh, my word.

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INDISTINCT WAILING

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Two.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, it's Christmas, so Alan wins that one. There we are!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, we can dispense with our nisse hats, I think, for the moment.

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We might have some more parlour games a little bit later,

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you'll be glad to hear.

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Meanwhile, who are Spoon Licker, Doorway Sniffer,

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Sausage Swiper and Meat Hook?

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# ..the snow... #

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-Yes, Josh?

-Is that how you refer to us four?

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LAUGHTER

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And, if so, name names.

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Yes!

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If you were to have to describe us, Sandi,

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which one of us would be the Sausage Swiper?

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-LAUGHTER

-# We go... #

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I was being so careful, Matt.

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Are they reindeer?

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No, they're not reindeer, but it is obviously a Christmassy...

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-I think I know the answer, kind of.

-Yes, go.

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I think it's something to do with Iceland and Christmas.

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It is something to do with Iceland and Christmas.

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Does anybody have any ideas what it might be? Josh, yes?

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Is that the food they sell in Iceland at Christmas?

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LAUGHTER

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I think whoever got Doorway Sniffer hasn't gone...

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-Ooh.

-Yes?

-Is it the nativity people?

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Yes, those are all the people who turned up to meet Jesus(!)

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LAUGHTER

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-I'm not going to lie to you!

-Yes.

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When I said it, I thought... "I'm right!"

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LAUGHTER

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And now I've never felt so stupid in my life.

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It is what I call a random Scandinavian fact,

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it's a Randy Scandy.

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These are four of the Icelandic 13 Santas.

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They are called the Yule Lads. There they are, there's a Yule Lad.

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And each of them leaves a gift for the children

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on successive nights, starting on December the 12th.

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And there are some fantastic names, there's also Pot Scraper,

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and Bowl Licker, Sheep Cot Clod...

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Window Peeper, I worry about... LAUGHTER

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It's more of a gift for him, really, I think.

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In Scandinavia, we have this as the symbol.

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We call it julebuk, the jule goat.

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There's a Swedish town called Gavle,

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and since 1966, they have built

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a 42-foot-high jule goat of straw every year.

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In that time, it's been kicked to pieces, it's had its legs removed,

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it's been hit by a car, it's been damaged by fireworks.

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In 1968, one couple climbed up inside and had sex inside it.

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LAUGHTER

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In 2010, somebody tried to steal it with a helicopter.

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LAUGHTER

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Unsuccessfully.

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It's been destroyed by arson 34 times.

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Once by firing flaming arrows at it.

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That's the Christmas spirit, I think.

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Anybody know what Santa does in the summer?

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Ibiza.

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-LAUGHTER

-He gets bang on it.

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He does. He rides one of those big giant bananas in the sea.

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They're called guavas.

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LAUGHTER

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Any ideas? What does Santa do in the summer?

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-I've read Raymond Briggs' Santa Goes On Holiday.

-Right.

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But I don't think that was factual.

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-Do you not?

-No.

-How strange.

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In conclusion, no, I don't know.

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LAUGHTER

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That's the finish to all your GCSEs.

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"In conclusion, I have no idea."

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It happens in the very best country in the world.

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-Denmark, of course.

-Denmark, obviously.

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-He goes to the World Santa Claus Congress.

-Ah!

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It happens in July every year in Denmark,

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in an amusement park called Bakken.

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Julemandskongres. It takes three days.

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I have no idea what they do.

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Ho ho ho ho. Ho-ho ho.

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Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.

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Ho ho ho!

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Bloody kids.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The only real rule is that

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the participants are not allowed to smoke or drink whilst in uniform.

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There's one bloke there

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who's just a bloke who's got a beard and someone's put a hat on him.

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"I'm not in this! I don't want to be in this!"

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What's with the archbishop, trying to bring religion into Christmas!

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-They get everywhere, don't they?

-Yeah!

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You don't suppose that's St Nicholas, do you?

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My...goat. Put my goat away. Not something you say every day.

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What's the worst thing about Christmas lights?

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-Oh, they get terribly tangled up, don't they?

-They do.

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The worst thing I've encountered about Christmas lights

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is they get in the way of the remote control.

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They do, they do interfere with your Wi-Fi.

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-JOSH:

-Do they?

-Yes.

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The microwaves which come from your Wi-Fi router are quite weak

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and they can get blocked by stronger signals,

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and indeed the Christmas lights would be a stronger signal.

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The man across the road from me changes my channel on my television.

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You must ask him not to sit next to you.

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-LAUGHTER

-No!

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He sits across the road and he changes my channel.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"You're not watching that shite."

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And he goes, click!

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"Highland games for you."

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LAUGHTER

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How small is this road that you can see each other so easily?

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-It's just a flat...

-You live in a little model village.

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Susan Calman from Toy Town.

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"Stop turning me telly over, you bastard!"

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You forgot to open the little curtains.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So, it is the Wi-Fi, but that's not the first thing on the list.

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It's environmental cost, is the real thing.

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It's incredible. So the US Energy Department,

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they did a study in 2008, and over the whole of the United States

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a staggering 6.63 billion kilowatt hours of electricity use,

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so that is twice as much electricity as Cambodia uses in a year.

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-Just for the Christmas lights.

-It's very dark there, though, isn't it?

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Cambodia? LAUGHTER

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Well, it's also more than the annual use in lots of countries -

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-Ethiopia, El Salvador, Tanzania...

-I don't like, really...

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-Don't like what?

-They go a bit overboard, don't they?

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Oh, when they do the whole house it makes me crazy.

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-What I don't mind is a moving reindeer.

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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-I don't mind that.

-So you work on that impression all year

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-and then you bring it out at Christmas.

-What's this? What's this?

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LAUGHTER

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Moving reindeer! Every year.

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Christmas lights are also responsible

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for a great many injuries, so...

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-Tripping up, burning...

-Oh, my goodness. Yes.

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I mean, he's gone the wrong side up a ladder.

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LAUGHTER

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He's only got himself to blame. This is nothing to do with the lights.

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He's looked at the manual and just got it the wrong way round.

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LAUGHTER

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-"This ladder is shit!"

-LAUGHTER

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Look what's in the front of frame - it's a guava. Look.

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LAUGHTER

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I like that ladder impersonation.

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That could double as a reindeer doing backstroke.

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That's very good.

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I can't wait till next year on BBC Two.

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Alan Davies' Christmas Impersonations.

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LAUGHTER

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So, lots of people injured putting up Christmas lights.

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-The average victim is a 55-year-old man.

-Well.

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Is he the one that lives across from Susan?

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LAUGHTER

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And now for a bit of a Danish Christmas parlour game.

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Or rather we're going to turn it into a parlour game.

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So, there is a Danish tradition... We celebrate Christmas Eve,

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and then we all hold hands and we sing standing around the tree.

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So we're going to give this a go,

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but we're going to do it in a very QI manner, and in order to help us,

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please welcome, from Festival Of The Spoken Nerd, Helen and Steve.

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APPLAUSE

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OK.

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So, the really important thing, Helen,

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is that we have to hold hands and sing. OK, are you happy with this?

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-All right.

-This experiment works best if you hold hands and sing.

-OK.

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But we're going to start off telling you what we've got.

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-Over here I've got an amplifier.

-Right.

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Going into that is some traditional Danish Christmas music.

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Thank you very much.

0:15:380:15:40

-Over there, another amplifier. Coming out of that is a speaker.

-OK.

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And normally you'd use a speaker cable to connect the two.

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-I've taken that speaker cable and I've cut it in half.

-Half?

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-Is that exposed wiring, Helen?

-Yeah. But we've made it safe.

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-I would say don't try this at home.

-OK.

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What I need to do is I need to give you that bare wire...

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-It really is perfectly OK? All right.

-Yes, absolutely fine.

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We have measured the current going through this,

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it's either so low that our meter can't read it,

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-or our meter's broken.

-LAUGHTER

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So can I get you to hold that bare wire? So you've got bare wires...

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I love you, Mum.

0:16:110:16:12

LAUGHTER

0:16:120:16:14

I just need you to touch the bare wires...

0:16:140:16:16

It's seriously OK to do this?

0:16:160:16:17

Absolutely. Just touch them together.

0:16:170:16:19

GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC

0:16:190:16:21

Ah, that's lovely. That's a song we sing when we go round the tree.

0:16:210:16:23

Um...

0:16:230:16:25

OK. And if I let go?

0:16:250:16:26

Everyone else's whelm is very much under.

0:16:260:16:29

LAUGHTER Yes, cos so far

0:16:290:16:31

all I've done is connect up the speaker wire.

0:16:310:16:33

What I can do is - Steve, if you could give that to Josh

0:16:330:16:37

-and I will take this round to Matt.

-OK.

0:16:370:16:39

Now, Matt, if you could take out your hand and grasp...

0:16:390:16:43

Don't, Josh!

0:16:430:16:45

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:16:450:16:47

No! OK.

0:16:470:16:48

-OK?

-No! No, it's fine.

0:16:510:16:52

Ah! No, it's fine.

0:16:520:16:54

LAUGHTER

0:16:540:16:56

This is where you get to hold hands.

0:16:560:16:58

Let's find out if it works. So, if you can link up.

0:16:580:17:00

I've got huge issues with human contact.

0:17:000:17:02

So, Matt, you hold Susan's hand.

0:17:040:17:06

My hair's already fallen out, but for you guys, who knows?

0:17:060:17:09

-It's the spirit of Christmas...

-STATIC NOISE

0:17:090:17:11

GENTLE FESTIVE MUSIC

0:17:110:17:14

APPLAUSE

0:17:140:17:16

Susan was looking very sceptical.

0:17:240:17:25

MUSIC RESUMES

0:17:250:17:28

APPLAUSE

0:17:280:17:30

Have you got any "Wham!"?

0:17:340:17:36

LAUGHTER Why does it work?

0:17:360:17:39

Humans are about 70% water, and that means your skin's about 70% water,

0:17:390:17:43

but water's not a very good conductor of electricity,

0:17:430:17:45

but salty water is, so the sweatier you are...

0:17:450:17:48

the better this works.

0:17:480:17:51

That was absolutely fantastic.

0:17:510:17:54

The Festival Of The Spoken Nerd!

0:17:540:17:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:560:17:58

Scary, that was actually quite scary.

0:18:020:18:05

I'm telling my mum that you made me do that.

0:18:050:18:07

LAUGHTER

0:18:070:18:08

Right, here is another piece of Christmas music

0:18:080:18:10

that you may be more familiar with.

0:18:100:18:12

GARBLED PIANO VERSION OF ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

0:18:120:18:17

OK. Quick question for the audience.

0:18:230:18:26

Hands up, audience, how many of you could hear the words to that tune?

0:18:260:18:30

-JOSH:

-You liars.

0:18:300:18:31

Quite a few! Quite a few could hear the words.

0:18:330:18:36

-Could anybody on the panel hear the words?

-I could hear, yeah, yeah.

0:18:360:18:39

So, here's the thing - the music being played is a MIDI file,

0:18:390:18:41

so it consists only of musical notes.

0:18:410:18:44

There are no human voices at all,

0:18:440:18:45

and people who haven't heard the song before will hear it that way,

0:18:450:18:48

they'll hear it just as a series of notes.

0:18:480:18:50

But anybody who has heard the Mariah Carey vocal version

0:18:500:18:52

will tend to hear her voice mixed in with the track

0:18:520:18:55

-even though it isn't actually really there.

-Oh, wow.

0:18:550:18:58

It's extraordinary. It's something called top-down processing.

0:18:580:19:01

So what happens is the brain uses information that it already has

0:19:010:19:04

to try and interpret the world, and there is a template in your head,

0:19:040:19:08

in the heads of those people who put their hands up,

0:19:080:19:10

for that particular song, and the brain matched it to the new sounds,

0:19:100:19:12

filling in the non-existent vocals.

0:19:120:19:14

Same principle as ghosts.

0:19:140:19:16

Is that right?

0:19:160:19:17

LAUGHTER We think we see somebody?

0:19:190:19:21

Yeah, you think, "Oh, there's something there.

0:19:210:19:23

"Ugh... Oh, it's a person."

0:19:230:19:25

-It's not.

-It's not just a light.

0:19:250:19:28

It's usually a dressing gown on the back of the door.

0:19:280:19:31

Now, what's this Christmassy noise?

0:19:310:19:34

INDISTINCT SPLUTTERING SOUND

0:19:340:19:36

# We go... #

0:19:370:19:38

-Matt?

-That is after the Christmas meal when you've fallen asleep...

0:19:380:19:42

LAUGHTER

0:19:420:19:43

That's Grandpa farting, isn't it? Let's be honest.

0:19:430:19:45

KLAXON AND LAUGHTER

0:19:450:19:47

APPLAUSE

0:19:470:19:50

Thank you.

0:19:500:19:52

-It isn't that.

-That's the sound of Santa Clause

0:19:540:19:57

in a particularly tight chimney.

0:19:570:19:59

LAUGHTER That would be bad, wouldn't it?

0:19:590:20:01

-It's a pony.

-JOSH:

-Is it a reindeer?

0:20:010:20:03

-It's a pony or a reindeer.

-You think it's a reindeer?

0:20:030:20:06

-It is a creature.

-It's the death throes of a turkey.

0:20:060:20:08

LAUGHTER

0:20:080:20:10

You are the closest, you are the closest at the moment. It is a bird,

0:20:100:20:13

-but it's a bird that might appear...

-A robin?

-..in a song?

0:20:130:20:16

-12 Days Of...

-Partridge.

0:20:160:20:17

It is a partridge. It is, absolutely.

0:20:170:20:20

It is the sound...

0:20:200:20:21

-So, I...

-Rrrr!

0:20:210:20:23

-Do you want to hear it one more time?

-Yes.

-Oh, yes.

0:20:250:20:27

SPLUTTERING SOUND

0:20:270:20:30

-That is the sound of a partridge...

-Farting.

-..taking off.

0:20:300:20:32

-Oh, taking off? Oh!

-Yeah.

0:20:320:20:34

So here is the extraordinary thing -

0:20:340:20:36

it comes from the Greek word... ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:20:360:20:38

LAUGHTER

0:20:380:20:40

That's how they get themselves going.

0:20:410:20:44

-Go...

-ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:20:440:20:47

LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:48

So here's the weird thing, Alan, it comes from the Greek, perdesthai,

0:20:480:20:51

-which means to break wind.

-Shut the front door.

0:20:510:20:54

Partridge, the word partridge means to break wind.

0:20:540:20:58

And it gets its name from the rapid fluttering noise

0:20:580:21:01

it makes when it flies away.

0:21:010:21:02

-ALAN BLOWS A SMALL RASPBERRY

-Partridge...

0:21:020:21:04

LAUGHTER

0:21:040:21:06

The origin of the lyrics to 12 Days Of Christmas are lost in time.

0:21:060:21:09

The possibility is that we got the French wrong.

0:21:090:21:12

It's one of those wonderful mistranslation things.

0:21:120:21:15

So, the French for a partridge is une perdrix,

0:21:150:21:17

and we mistook it for a pear tree.

0:21:170:21:19

We should actually be singing, "A partridge, a partridge."

0:21:190:21:22

Did you know that the Scottish

0:21:220:21:23

have a different version of The 12 Days Of Christmas?

0:21:230:21:25

-What is it? I've never heard this.

-Early 19th century.

0:21:250:21:28

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: The King sent his lady...

0:21:280:21:30

Don't do the voice - that's racist.

0:21:300:21:32

LAUGHTER

0:21:320:21:34

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: The King sent his lady on the first Yule day

0:21:340:21:36

a papingo-aye.

0:21:360:21:37

-A what?

-A papingo-aye. It's a parrot.

0:21:370:21:40

-Oh...

-Yeah, Scottish for parrot. Wha learns my carol...

0:21:400:21:42

Sorry, can I just... A Scottish parrot? Can I just...

0:21:420:21:45

LAUGHTER

0:21:450:21:47

I've lived there a long time, and I'm sounding more Scottish,

0:21:470:21:49

and there's nae parrots...

0:21:490:21:50

LAUGHTER

0:21:500:21:52

Haud the bus! There's a parrot over there.

0:21:520:21:55

You can get them in a pet shop. They look a bit like pigeons.

0:21:550:21:58

Papingo-aye.

0:21:580:22:00

Let's see what else they had.

0:22:000:22:01

Wha learns my carol and carries it away?

0:22:010:22:03

And you also get an Arabian baboon.

0:22:030:22:06

Three hinds a-merry hunting.

0:22:060:22:09

And three stalks o' merry corn.

0:22:090:22:10

-It's quite merry all the way through.

-Right.

0:22:100:22:12

I have...NEVER heard of that.

0:22:120:22:16

A goose that was grey, three starlings, three goldspinks,

0:22:160:22:19

a bull that was brown.

0:22:190:22:21

-It's like that conveyor-belt round on The Generation Game.

-It is.

0:22:210:22:24

LAUGHTER

0:22:240:22:25

The Faroe Islands also have their own version,

0:22:250:22:27

and pretty much you get one feather and 14 rounds of cheese.

0:22:270:22:30

LAUGHTER That's pretty much it.

0:22:300:22:33

-Who likes sprouts?

-I like sprouts.

-Do you?

-Yeah, they're lovely.

0:22:330:22:36

Well, I feel like something happened with sprouts, didn't it?

0:22:360:22:39

Like, a few years ago, people start pan-frying them now

0:22:390:22:41

and putting sort of walnuts and...

0:22:410:22:43

Nicely caramelised with loads of butter on them.

0:22:430:22:46

Put some walnuts, some maple syrup, some ice cream.

0:22:460:22:50

-LAUGHTER

-Some...

0:22:500:22:52

Anything to avoid the taste...

0:22:520:22:54

-LAUGHTER

-Kit Kat. Some After Eights.

0:22:540:22:56

Yeah!

0:22:560:22:58

-Some Matchmakers.

-Stuck in them like that.

0:22:580:23:02

-They're lovely for breakfast, sprouts.

-Ugh!

0:23:020:23:04

-JOSH:

-What?!

-Sprouts and eggs for breakfast.

0:23:040:23:06

No. You've ruined my Christmas.

0:23:060:23:08

You have gone too far!

0:23:080:23:10

-What is wrong with you people?!

-You've ruined it.

0:23:110:23:14

You're willing to believe we've got parrots,

0:23:140:23:16

but, oh, sprouts and eggs!

0:23:160:23:19

Sprouts floating in Irn-Bru.

0:23:190:23:21

LAUGHTER

0:23:210:23:23

-Anybody remember the great sprout drought? 2010.

-No!

0:23:240:23:27

There was bad weather, and they went to £9.55 per kilo.

0:23:270:23:32

Only 31p per kilo cheaper than turkey!

0:23:320:23:35

-So you had to choose...

-Is a kilo a lot?

0:23:350:23:38

Cos I did my home shopping the other day

0:23:380:23:40

and I ordered one mushroom by mistake.

0:23:400:23:41

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:44

I felt so bad because it arrived in a separate bag.

0:23:440:23:49

You can just imagine the guy going up the aisle, going...

0:23:500:23:54

LAUGHTER

0:23:560:23:58

Did you write how many grams...?

0:23:580:24:00

I thought it was a packet, so I just put... I just put one.

0:24:000:24:05

Did you eat the mushroom?

0:24:050:24:06

I mean, when it came to, like, making dinner,

0:24:060:24:08

did you go, well, I'll put the mushroom in...

0:24:080:24:10

Tell you what it's good with - sprouts and eggs.

0:24:110:24:14

I ate the mushroom quickly because, in the same shopping,

0:24:140:24:18

I thought I'd ordered four onions,

0:24:180:24:21

and I ordered four sacks of onions.

0:24:210:24:24

LAUGHTER

0:24:240:24:26

-And I had to get rid of the onions...

-So what did you do?

0:24:260:24:30

..before my wife came home.

0:24:300:24:32

So I went down the close in my flat, offering people bags of onions.

0:24:320:24:37

And pretended it was a Scottish tradition.

0:24:370:24:39

"Oh, it's Onion Day!"

0:24:390:24:42

-Did you tell your wife?

-No.

0:24:430:24:45

But does she watch this show?

0:24:450:24:47

Ahh...

0:24:470:24:49

LAUGHTER

0:24:490:24:51

You can change the channel and say,

0:24:510:24:52

"That'll be the guy over the road, he's always..."

0:24:520:24:55

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:550:24:57

Time for another parlour game! Are you there, Moriarty?

0:25:020:25:06

Who knows how to play this?

0:25:060:25:07

-You're blindfolded, I'm guessing.

-Yes, you are.

0:25:070:25:10

You're blindfolded and you're as tall as a newspaper.

0:25:100:25:14

This is a British one which I frankly don't understand. OK.

0:25:140:25:18

So, you are blindfolded, you hold each other's left hands,

0:25:180:25:23

one of you shouts out, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

0:25:230:25:25

The other one shouts, "Yes!"

0:25:250:25:26

And the one who said, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

0:25:260:25:28

then tries to hit them with the newspaper.

0:25:280:25:30

-I'll be the shouter.

-OK. You take turns, you take turns.

0:25:310:25:34

Oh, all right, OK.

0:25:340:25:36

I mean, obviously I'm going to have to hit the target,

0:25:360:25:38

but I'm not sure how comfortable I am

0:25:380:25:40

hitting a woman on national television.

0:25:400:25:42

It's Susan, you'll be all right.

0:25:420:25:43

LAUGHTER

0:25:430:25:45

Right...

0:25:460:25:47

Just think about the man over the road!

0:25:470:25:49

-Think about the man over the road!

-Oh, thanks(!)

0:25:490:25:51

-Left hands held.

-Give me your hand.

-Left hand.

-Left hands held.

0:25:510:25:55

-OK, so, Matt...

-Yes?

-You're going to say, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

0:25:550:26:00

and, Susan, you're going to say, "Yes,"

0:26:000:26:02

-and then, Matt, you're going to try and hit her.

-OK.

-OK, go.

0:26:020:26:05

Are you there, Moriarty?

0:26:050:26:07

Yes!

0:26:070:26:08

LAUGHTER

0:26:080:26:09

-Do I try again?

-You try again, that's it.

0:26:110:26:14

Sorry... Go on, Susan.

0:26:140:26:16

-Uh...are...? Are you there, Moriarty?

-No, I'm not. No.

0:26:160:26:20

LAUGHTER

0:26:200:26:21

No, I've left! Ow! Ow!

0:26:210:26:24

-Do you know what?

-Yeah?

0:26:240:26:26

I'd love the idea that someone has turned on this

0:26:260:26:28

for the first time and gone...

0:26:280:26:29

LAUGHTER

0:26:290:26:31

"It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?"

0:26:320:26:35

LAUGHTER

0:26:350:26:36

Uncle Stephen would never have allowed this.

0:26:360:26:39

-SUSAN:

-Ow!

0:26:390:26:41

I know you're there!

0:26:410:26:44

Ow! Ow!

0:26:440:26:46

This is good, this is good. I've found her, so I don't need to...

0:26:460:26:50

Right, you two, come on, let's have a go.

0:26:500:26:52

So, put your blindfold on.

0:26:520:26:53

I've got quite a big head, so I'm not sure it's going to fit round.

0:26:530:26:56

Oh, there we go.

0:26:560:26:58

-Do we stand up?

-So... No...

-Ow!

-LAUGHTER

0:26:580:27:01

I think Alan's won.

0:27:010:27:03

So now hold left hands.

0:27:040:27:06

I'm not going near him, he's an animal!

0:27:060:27:08

-Hold left hands. OK.

-Got you.

0:27:080:27:11

-So, Josh shouts, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

-Are you there, Moriarty?

0:27:110:27:14

Ow.

0:27:140:27:16

Ow!

0:27:160:27:17

-No. Alan...

-What?

-So, you have to say...

-How am I doing?

0:27:170:27:20

-LAUGHTER SUSAN:

-You missed!

0:27:200:27:23

Let me just say it again.

0:27:230:27:24

Josh is going to shout, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

0:27:240:27:26

Alan's going to shout, "Yes", to indicate his location,

0:27:260:27:29

and then he's going to try and escape Josh hitting him.

0:27:290:27:32

OK? Right, Josh.

0:27:320:27:34

-Er, are you there, Moriarty?

-Yes.

-Now, try and escape.

0:27:340:27:37

LAUGHTER

0:27:370:27:39

-Just one hit!

-Ow!

0:27:390:27:41

LAUGHTER

0:27:410:27:43

I don't want to... Ow!

0:27:430:27:45

Ow!

0:27:500:27:52

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

0:27:520:27:55

No!

0:27:570:27:58

APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:04

Josh, you were rubbish at that game. You were rubbish.

0:28:120:28:14

I don't want to turn this into a Carry On film,

0:28:140:28:16

but mine wasn't as rigid as Alan's.

0:28:160:28:18

LAUGHTER

0:28:180:28:19

I'm not sure that was the problem...

0:28:200:28:22

I think the... The overall winner of that is Alan.

0:28:220:28:25

APPLAUSE

0:28:250:28:27

This is great. Are you all right?

0:28:270:28:30

Now, how did the British ruin Christmas for everybody?

0:28:320:28:36

Did they invent a game in which I get beaten up with a newspaper?

0:28:360:28:40

LAUGHTER It is to do with a deplorable custom

0:28:400:28:43

that the British invented around Christmas.

0:28:430:28:46

-Crackers.

-Secret Santa.

0:28:460:28:47

Sort of in the gift area.

0:28:470:28:49

Where you have to give presents to people even if you hate them,

0:28:490:28:52

like your nieces and nephews.

0:28:520:28:54

No, sorry...

0:28:540:28:55

-Giving presents on the day?

-It's a gift, but not for you family.

0:28:550:28:58

Charity! Charity!

0:28:580:29:00

-JOSH:

-Milkman! Postman!

0:29:000:29:02

Milkman and postman is exactly right.

0:29:020:29:04

It's the deplorable custom of giving tips to tradesmen at Christmas.

0:29:040:29:08

It used to be called the Christmas pot.

0:29:080:29:10

I forgot that this has become very right-wing.

0:29:100:29:13

LAUGHTER

0:29:130:29:15

No, it was the Americans who complained.

0:29:150:29:17

So, in the 1860s, they complained that it was turning America

0:29:170:29:20

-into the land of the fee.

-Well, that's ironic!

0:29:200:29:22

You go to America, you have to pay them to accept your tip.

0:29:220:29:25

I mean, all they want is to be tipped.

0:29:250:29:27

You have to tip them for bloody everything.

0:29:270:29:30

-It was thought to be deplorable in the 1860s.

-They've got over that.

0:29:300:29:33

It was called loathsome and corrupt form of roguery.

0:29:340:29:37

In the 1890s, Christmas was described as the worst time of year

0:29:370:29:40

because of excessive tipping.

0:29:400:29:43

You were expected to tip everybody.

0:29:430:29:44

The butcher's boy, the librarian, the turncock.

0:29:440:29:48

-Was the person who turned on the water mains for you.

-Of course.

0:29:480:29:52

In Denmark, we're much more honest about tipping.

0:29:520:29:54

It's called drinking money. Drikkepenge.

0:29:540:29:58

It's the same in French, I think. It's pourboire.

0:29:580:30:00

You know what the tip is for. It's for somebody to have a drink.

0:30:000:30:03

And the Germans too, I think. Trinkgeld.

0:30:030:30:05

The British ruined Christmas for everybody

0:30:050:30:07

because of their legendary generosity.

0:30:070:30:09

LAUGHTER

0:30:090:30:11

What does a Siberian getaway car look like?

0:30:110:30:15

-Some sort of a sled-y thing?

-JOSH:

-Is it huskies?

0:30:150:30:17

-It is a sled thing. It's not huskies. Reindeer?

-Cats!

0:30:170:30:20

-It is reindeer. JOSH:

-"Cats"!

0:30:200:30:22

I wish it'd been cats!

0:30:220:30:23

Forget the last thing I said! Reindeer!

0:30:250:30:27

You were calling us cats, weren't you?

0:30:270:30:30

-Reindeer cats.

-Yeah!

-It's reindeer cats!

0:30:300:30:32

Thanks, Josh.

0:30:320:30:34

Apparently, the local indigenous population

0:30:340:30:36

are very, very skilled at reindeer driving,

0:30:360:30:38

and reindeer sleighs are faster over snow than police snowmobiles.

0:30:380:30:42

In fact, in 2014, the Moscow Times reported there were plans afoot

0:30:420:30:46

for a police reindeer division...

0:30:460:30:48

to tackle this specific...

0:30:480:30:49

I bet they look lovely in their wee hats.

0:30:490:30:52

-Oh, yes, and blue lights.

-Yeah.

0:30:520:30:54

Blue lights on the reindeer, that would be very...

0:30:540:30:56

-JOSH:

-Or just the nose, going like that.

0:30:560:30:58

LAUGHTER

0:30:580:31:01

OK, let's look at the nose. Why was Rudolph's nose useful?

0:31:010:31:05

Well, Rudolph, with your nose so bright,

0:31:050:31:07

won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

0:31:070:31:09

It's a lie, Susan.

0:31:090:31:10

No, the fact is that there would've been no need for the red nose,

0:31:100:31:14

cos reindeer can see perfectly well in low light.

0:31:140:31:17

They change the colour of what's known as their tapetum lucidum.

0:31:170:31:20

It's a layer of tissue behind the retina that reflects light.

0:31:200:31:24

So in long, bright summer light it is gold,

0:31:240:31:26

and then, in the winter, it turns blue,

0:31:260:31:28

and the colour change means that less light escapes from their eyes

0:31:280:31:31

and it gives them a kind of night-vision.

0:31:310:31:33

So there would've been no need for the nose to light the way.

0:31:330:31:36

I had a chance encounter with a reindeer once.

0:31:360:31:38

In the Arctic, and here's the thing that is extraordinary about them -

0:31:380:31:41

they've got hairy noses.

0:31:410:31:43

-They don't have shiny, moist noses.

-Aw!

0:31:430:31:45

They've got these really delightful hairy noses.

0:31:450:31:48

They're also unique amongst deer

0:31:480:31:49

in that they are actually attracted to the smell of human urine.

0:31:490:31:53

Uh, I guess if you wanted to lure a reindeer to you,

0:31:530:31:57

that would be the way.

0:31:570:31:58

Let's do it now! Let's do it now!

0:31:580:32:00

Someone pee there and we'll see if one comes.

0:32:000:32:03

It's Christmas!

0:32:030:32:05

-We've got two female cats.

-Yeah.

0:32:070:32:09

We've got a male cat that keeps coming into our garden

0:32:090:32:11

and we don't want him there.

0:32:110:32:13

-I've been told that I'm meant to mark...

-Shoot him.

0:32:130:32:15

..my own territory. "Shoot him"!

0:32:150:32:16

So, I'm meant to piss in the garden myself.

0:32:160:32:19

-It's not going to make any difference if you...

-Is it not?

-No.

0:32:190:32:21

Well, that's two months wasted, isn't it?

0:32:210:32:23

LAUGHTER

0:32:230:32:25

So you've got a reindeer problem now, then?

0:32:250:32:27

LAUGHTER

0:32:270:32:29

I don't understand. People buy a cat

0:32:310:32:33

and then they keep it in my garden - what is that about?

0:32:330:32:35

Right, that's the turkey dinner out of the way,

0:32:370:32:39

let's fall asleep in the comfy armchair of General Ignorance.

0:32:390:32:42

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:32:420:32:43

You are standing in the middle of the Antarctic,

0:32:430:32:46

and your toes are frozen.

0:32:460:32:48

How far do you have to travel to reach a place

0:32:480:32:50

where it's literally too hot to stand?

0:32:500:32:52

-# ..sleigh... #

-Susan.

0:32:520:32:54

-A mile?

-Uh...

-I'm just guessing.

-OK. Which way?

-Down!

0:32:540:32:58

-You're just guessing?!

-Straight down!

0:32:580:33:00

-Yes, Alan.

-If you go down, it's hot.

0:33:000:33:02

You're exactly right.

0:33:020:33:04

No, I was about to answer that question.

0:33:040:33:08

In fairness, she was about to give a different answer.

0:33:080:33:11

LAUGHTER

0:33:110:33:13

He was too quick for you.

0:33:130:33:14

You'd only have to go a couple of kilometres downwards.

0:33:140:33:17

Underground temperature in Antarctica

0:33:170:33:19

pretty much the hottest in the world.

0:33:190:33:21

Hotter than 99% of the rest of the planet.

0:33:210:33:24

-Are these people emerging?

-Yes, they've come up from China.

0:33:240:33:28

It's not a very relaxing bath

0:33:300:33:31

if everyone's standing around in anoraks taking photos of you.

0:33:310:33:34

They're all queueing for the facilities.

0:33:340:33:37

They're all doggers, aren't they?

0:33:370:33:39

That woman did not look out if...

0:33:400:33:42

LAUGHTER

0:33:420:33:45

It's been calculated that the temperature under the ice

0:33:470:33:49

rises by approximately 200 degrees Celsius per kilometre,

0:33:490:33:52

so several times the global average on continents. Unbelievably hot.

0:33:520:33:56

So, down is the correct answer.

0:33:560:33:58

From feet to hands.

0:33:580:33:59

-Now, Josh, last year...

-Yes.

0:33:590:34:02

-..you told us all about the hairy hands of Dartmoor.

-Yes.

0:34:020:34:05

Is that right?

0:34:050:34:07

They grab the steering wheel of your car and drive you off the road.

0:34:070:34:09

I wonder if you could just remind us which road you said it was.

0:34:090:34:12

Er, the B3021?

0:34:120:34:15

Yes.

0:34:150:34:16

KLAXON AND LAUGHTER

0:34:160:34:18

This is, I can promise you,

0:34:210:34:22

one of the finest quibbles that QI has ever received.

0:34:220:34:25

There is a gentleman called Ian Dunn who has written in

0:34:250:34:28

to point out that the hairy hands of Dartmoor

0:34:280:34:30

actually haunt the B3212 and not the B3021.

0:34:300:34:34

LAUGHTER

0:34:340:34:36

You are...

0:34:360:34:37

APPLAUSE

0:34:370:34:39

I'm afraid you're having points docked this time.

0:34:420:34:44

-What? Posthumously?

-Yes. It couldn't be more wrong,

0:34:440:34:48

the B3212 runs across Dartmoor between Exeter and Yeovilton

0:34:480:34:51

via the hamlet of Postbridge, that's where the hairy hands hang out.

0:34:510:34:54

-Of course, yeah.

-The B3021, I'm afraid,

0:34:540:34:57

goes from Old Windsor to Datchet in Berkshire.

0:34:570:34:59

Remember that next time you make a joke.

0:34:590:35:01

LAUGHTER

0:35:010:35:03

Can I just say that he watched me talk about these ghost hands

0:35:030:35:06

that appear and drive you off the road -

0:35:060:35:08

-and his quibble was with the number of the road?!

-Yes.

0:35:080:35:11

"That's incorrect, so I'm just going to...

0:35:110:35:13

"Dear QI..."

0:35:130:35:15

Josh, without precision, there is no comedy.

0:35:150:35:18

You have to understand that, without saying the right name of a B road,

0:35:180:35:21

no-one can laugh at that.

0:35:210:35:24

I thought a year ago that didn't get a laugh, and now I know why.

0:35:240:35:27

Your road was nowhere near Dartmoor whatsoever.

0:35:270:35:31

I love the idea of Ian sat at home now going,

0:35:310:35:33

"Oh, I have ruined Josh's Christmas. Lovely."

0:35:330:35:36

Well, your error has been particularly egregious, I'm afraid.

0:35:360:35:39

You didn't just let Ian down, or the show down,

0:35:390:35:42

you've let yourself down, haven't you?

0:35:420:35:44

In many ways, I think I've let Jesus down.

0:35:440:35:46

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, I know.

0:35:460:35:48

And his hairy hands!

0:35:480:35:50

LAUGHTER

0:35:500:35:51

And now for another of those Christmas traditions

0:35:520:35:55

that people want to preserve, cutting decorations out of paper.

0:35:550:35:58

So you should have some scissors and some paper.

0:35:580:36:01

And here is my question,

0:36:010:36:02

if I want to make a five-pointed star,

0:36:020:36:04

how many straight lines would I need to cut?

0:36:040:36:08

I tell you what, these would've been a game-changer

0:36:080:36:10

in Are You There, Moriarty? wouldn't they?

0:36:100:36:13

LAUGHTER

0:36:130:36:14

So how many cuts do we think? It's a five-pointed star.

0:36:160:36:18

That's two so far, Sandi.

0:36:180:36:20

-OK.

-I'll do a couple more now. There's another one.

0:36:200:36:24

-How are you doing?

-Great, Sandi.

0:36:240:36:27

Got the solution immediately.

0:36:270:36:30

-Here we go, here we go.

-Oh, no!

0:36:300:36:33

LAUGHTER

0:36:330:36:34

MUTED APPLAUSE

0:36:360:36:38

Oh, that's very good.

0:36:410:36:42

It looks more like a person, a sort of happy person jumping.

0:36:420:36:46

What is that?

0:36:470:36:49

-What is that, Josh?

-I don't know.

0:36:490:36:51

It looks like that London 2012 logo, doesn't it?

0:36:530:36:56

LAUGHTER

0:36:560:36:57

So the answer is one.

0:36:590:37:00

The Fold And Cut Theorem states

0:37:000:37:03

that any shape composed of straight lines

0:37:030:37:05

can be made using a single cut,

0:37:050:37:07

if you can just figure out which way to fold the paper.

0:37:070:37:10

So all you need to do - here they are -

0:37:100:37:12

is just cut along the red line.

0:37:120:37:14

-Just cut along the red line.

-I've done it.

-So, one cut...

0:37:140:37:17

I've done it.

0:37:170:37:19

ALAN CRIES OUT

0:37:190:37:20

LAUGHTER

0:37:230:37:24

Well that's... What is that?

0:37:240:37:26

LAUGHTER

0:37:260:37:28

They've all done it! What's wrong with you all?

0:37:320:37:35

-Oh, yeah, no.

-We've got the wrong bit!

-The wrong bit of paper.

0:37:370:37:40

I got the wrong bit as well.

0:37:420:37:44

-Who's got it? Who's got the star?

-Me.

-There we go.

0:37:440:37:46

From one single cut you can get a five-point star.

0:37:460:37:51

And there is a presumably apocryphal story.

0:37:510:37:54

Betsy Ross, the woman who is alleged to have made

0:37:540:37:57

the very first American flag,

0:37:570:37:58

was discussing the design for the flag with George Washington,

0:37:580:38:01

and he said, "Could you do a six-pointed star?"

0:38:010:38:03

And she said, "A five-point would be easier", and she showed him

0:38:030:38:06

by folding a piece of cloth in that manner,

0:38:060:38:08

and that is why the modern flag has the five-point star.

0:38:080:38:12

There's a problem with this story, if you go to Philadelphia,

0:38:120:38:14

you can visit Betsy Ross' house,

0:38:140:38:15

but it's almost certain that she didn't live there

0:38:150:38:17

and probably didn't make the flag, but there we are...

0:38:170:38:20

LAUGHTER Other than that...

0:38:200:38:21

American history in a nutshell.

0:38:210:38:23

LAUGHTER

0:38:230:38:25

Susan, I want you to have my star and also be my girlfriend, please.

0:38:250:38:28

Susan, be very careful.

0:38:280:38:30

He's the man from over the road!

0:38:320:38:35

LAUGHTER

0:38:350:38:36

Do you know what?

0:38:370:38:38

I always used to get quite lonely at Christmas cos I didn't have a date,

0:38:380:38:41

and I don't feel lonely this Christmas because I've got you now.

0:38:410:38:44

Brilliant. We are boyfriend and girlfriend.

0:38:440:38:47

APPLAUSE

0:38:470:38:48

There you go.

0:38:500:38:51

That's the most uncertain round of applause.

0:38:510:38:53

I didn't want it to come to this, but, Alan...

0:38:530:38:56

LAUGHTER

0:38:560:38:58

APPLAUSE

0:39:020:39:04

OK, how would you consume the original Humpty Dumpty?

0:39:060:39:10

-# ..the snow... #

-Yes?

0:39:100:39:12

For breakfast with sprouts.

0:39:120:39:16

For breakfast with sprouts. Any more?

0:39:160:39:18

Is it that he wasn't an egg? He was something else?

0:39:180:39:20

Is correct. Yes.

0:39:200:39:22

It's always been a sort of a nickname, but it wasn't an egg.

0:39:220:39:25

In fact, in the early depictions of the rhyme,

0:39:250:39:28

he's actually depicted as a child.

0:39:280:39:30

There he is, not looking entirely content.

0:39:300:39:32

That's horrific!

0:39:320:39:34

-I give that rhyme to my niece.

-You hate your niece.

0:39:340:39:37

We've established that.

0:39:370:39:39

LAUGHTER

0:39:390:39:42

It's not a real story - that's the thing, Susan.

0:39:460:39:49

Some people think it might have been a story about Richard III,

0:39:490:39:52

depicted as humpbacked in Tudor histories, and he was defeated,

0:39:520:39:55

and despite all his king's men and horses, at the Battle of Bosworth.

0:39:550:39:59

Oh, isn't he gorgeous?

0:39:590:40:01

So when did it start becoming about an egg?

0:40:010:40:04

Because it's an egg, isn't it?

0:40:040:40:05

Well, we now think of it as an egg,

0:40:050:40:07

but it could be about so many other things.

0:40:070:40:09

In Colchester, they believe that it is a Civil War-era cannon

0:40:090:40:12

on Colchester's city walls.

0:40:120:40:13

I have to say, there is no evidence of that.

0:40:130:40:15

But the earlier citation in the OED

0:40:150:40:18

is for a drink made with ale,

0:40:180:40:21

boiled with brandy...

0:40:210:40:23

Yes, please.

0:40:230:40:25

And I have some here.

0:40:250:40:27

-And I have five glasses.

-Oh, yes!

0:40:270:40:30

Are you sharing it out or just having a brilliant time?

0:40:300:40:32

I am sharing it out.

0:40:320:40:33

-So here is the thing as well, the traditional...

-Keep pouring!

0:40:330:40:38

The traditional food that is eaten at Danish Christmas

0:40:380:40:42

is something called aebleskiver.

0:40:420:40:43

They are a little tiny, like a pancake thing,

0:40:430:40:47

which you have in jam,

0:40:470:40:49

and these have been made for me by a brilliant Danish chef,

0:40:490:40:51

Bronte Aurell, from the Scandinavian Kitchen in London,

0:40:510:40:54

who's here in the audience.

0:40:540:40:55

Where are you, Bronte? Give us a wave.

0:40:550:40:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:40:560:40:58

Brilliant.

0:40:580:40:59

-Have a glass, there we are.

-Then tip the jam on your head...

0:40:590:41:03

There you go.

0:41:030:41:04

-There we go.

-Thank you.

0:41:040:41:06

-Say it's medicinal.

-Oh, God, that's horrific.

0:41:060:41:10

-LAUGHTER

-Not the food.

0:41:100:41:13

SLURRING: So, Humpty Dumpty was originally a mixture...

0:41:130:41:16

This is lovely, isn't it?

0:41:160:41:18

Look at all me jam! Phwoar!

0:41:180:41:20

I never had a happy childhood, I wasn't happy.

0:41:200:41:22

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I didn't like you, either! OK...

0:41:220:41:26

Let's all just get a taxi...

0:41:260:41:28

SHE SLURS

0:41:300:41:33

LAUGHTER

0:41:350:41:37

Humpty Dumpty was originally a drink...

0:41:370:41:39

..of ale and brandy, and you consumed it like this.

0:41:410:41:44

Cheers to everybody.

0:41:440:41:45

-Cheers.

-Skol!

-Cheers.

-Cheers...

0:41:450:41:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:480:41:50

OK, so, that brings us to the matter of the festive scores,

0:41:530:41:56

and here's what I've decided -

0:41:560:41:58

it's Christmas, so everybody is a winner.

0:41:580:42:01

First-equal to everybody,

0:42:010:42:03

but the marzipan pig goes to the man of the hour,

0:42:030:42:07

Alan Davies.

0:42:070:42:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:090:42:12

Go on, eat it, Alan.

0:42:140:42:15

QI THEME TUNE AND APPLAUSE

0:42:160:42:19

OK.

0:42:210:42:22

So, it's thanks to Susan, Matt, Josh and Alan.

0:42:240:42:27

Now, Christmas is a time of togetherness,

0:42:270:42:29

so I thought we could end the show tonight

0:42:290:42:32

by solving a Christmas equation together, OK?

0:42:320:42:34

Are you ready? Here we go. So, Alan, let's have a quick look.

0:42:340:42:38

Here's an equation. What would you like to do with that equation?

0:42:380:42:41

LAUGHTER

0:42:410:42:43

-I would... Now...

-Yes?

-..I would multiply both sides by R-squared...

0:42:440:42:50

OK, we're going to multiply both sides by R-squared.

0:42:500:42:52

There we go. Right, Josh?

0:42:520:42:54

Er, well, LN is obviously the natural log.

0:42:540:42:57

-SUSAN:

-Whoo!

0:42:570:42:58

-ALAN BLOWS A RASPBERRY

-Yeah...

0:42:590:43:01

-So if we raise both sides to the power of the natural log...

-Yeah.

0:43:040:43:09

-..which is, the base is E...

-Yeah.

-Cancels out, doesn't it?

0:43:090:43:12

OK, well, fancy. It does, yes. So, like that? Is that what you mean?

0:43:120:43:15

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER OK, so, very good, Matt.

0:43:150:43:18

I'm going to propose we multiply both sides by M.

0:43:180:43:23

Oh. OK, excellent. Susan?

0:43:230:43:25

Well...

0:43:270:43:28

-we've all had a lovely time.

-Yes.

0:43:280:43:30

LAUGHTER

0:43:300:43:33

-SLURRING:

-It's Christmas...

0:43:330:43:34

I just love you all.

0:43:340:43:36

I think we should go a bit mad

0:43:370:43:40

and expand the R-squared.

0:43:400:43:43

Expand the R-squared thing and there we are -

0:43:430:43:45

you only heard it on QI.

0:43:450:43:46

Merry Christmas, everybody!

0:43:460:43:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:470:43:50