Jam, Jelly and Juice QI

This programme contains some strong language

Hello.

APPLAUSE

Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

Welcome to QI, where we are having a veritable chimp's tea party

with jam, jelly and juice.

Joining me for my midnight feast, we have the jam-smothered Jo Brand...

APPLAUSE

..the jelly-slathered Liza Tarbuck...

APPLAUSE

..the juice-bedribbled Sue Perkins...

..and - don't do that on the floor, please - Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

Well, it's a midnight feast,

and just in case anyone sees Matron coming,

I've equipped my pals with buzzers. Jo goes...

HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES

-..Liza goes...

-LOWER-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES

-..Sue goes...

-RAUCOUS PARTY HORN BLARES

..and Alan goes...

# It's my party and I'll cry if I want to... #

Party time!

# You would cry too if it happened to you... #

And what begins with J and appears to be alive?

HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES

Is it me?

You begin with J, and are most magnificently, radiantly alive.

He's on the turn.

-LOWER-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES

-Liza.

-James Blunt.

-Closer, I grant you.

-RAUCOUS PARTY HORN BLARES

-Yeah?

-Jeremy Clarkson.

-Oh!

SIREN ALARM

This is something that appears to be alive and quite obviously isn't.

Jedward, then. I'm revising my statement.

SIREN ALARM

Oh, Sue, so much work to do!

Yes, in order to find out if the brain is working, there's a machine that is used by doctors,

an electroencephalograph.

You can tell if a brain is alive by attaching it. And there is something that quite manifestly

isn't alive, but if you attach that same machine to it,

will give off the same signals as a brain.

Is it jelly?

-Yes.

-Fucking hell!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I can't quite believe how intelligent I am sometimes.

-I know...

-How did I get that?

It was wonderful.

You're a genius. Is it any type of jelly, or is it...?

Sort of large jelly in a mould on which you could fit the electrodes of an EEG.

-That kind of jelly, right.

-From its EEG results alone,

it would not qualify as sufficiently dead

to have its life support removed.

That's the point. I know that seems insane.

All the other jellies sitting round the bedside weeping!

-Yes!

-LAUGHTER

"He's still alive, he's still alive! You can't turn it off!"

Comforting one another. There's one outside having a fag...

"One wobble for yes, two wobbles for no!"

Neurologist Edwin Upton examined the electroencephalography

of gelatine desserts, as he put it,

to make a serious point about brain death.

Because what happens is,

the jelly picks up extraneous electrical signals in the room

from sources like respirators, IV drips, even ringing telephones.

The implication is that a brain

apparently generating similar signals may in fact be quite dead.

On the other hand, it may well be quite alive.

It isn't enough to use an EEG to tell whether someone's alive.

-A jelly is always wobbling just a little bit.

-It's always wobbling a little bit.

But it is rather extraordinary,

an amazing thought - at least, I think it is.

Lovely thought.

It doesn't mean EEGs are useless, they just have to be considered with other things

to suggest whether or not someone is conscious or alive.

Is that an excitable jelly that's suddenly flatlined?

That's probably enough jelly for the moment.

There may be more, you never know.

Jelly's made from boiled-up pigskin.

Name as many uses for a pig as you can.

-Erm...

-Bacon.

-HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES

-Bacon is one.

-Truffle snuffling.

SUE: Medicine stuff? Medicine cases for tablets?

LIZA: Oh, for women in pregnancy.

Doesn't it bring on...? For inducing pregnancy.

-It's pig's hormones.

-It does if one runs through your front room.

"Ah!" Pft!

-Absolutely staggering, what you can get out of a pig.

-Yoghurt.

-Yes! I have a list.

Christien Meindertsma wrote a book called Pig 05049,

which was an anonymous pig,

and beyond the obvious foodstuffs,

she found the different parts of this animal offered the following pork derivatives.

From the skin alone, safety gloves, cosmetic surgery.

-Collagen comes from pig skin.

-Oh.

Energy bars, which also have collagen in, low-fat butter,

chewing gum, X-ray film,

drug capsules, bread-flour improver, made from pig hair,

would you believe?

-Wow.

-The skin is also used for tattoo practise.

And ballistic gelatine.

That's just the skin. Then there's the internal organs. Pet food...

Tambourine skins are made from a pig's bladder.

For the old tambourine.

I knew those folkies were evil.

There are many thousands of people who are alive because of a pig's valve from their heart.

From the bones, cheap wine corks, would you believe?

Stabilising propellant in bullet-making,

inkjet paper, concrete,

match heads, bone china, train brakes, yoghurt,

-which you correctly mentioned.

-What's a train brake?

-It's for stopping a train.

-Like where you go to Scotland for the weekend?

-For stopping it.

Just a trotter out. He just leans forward.

Fabric softener. Who knew? Beer,

wine, ice-cream.

From the fat, biodiesels, soap, shampoos, crayons.

From the blood, cigarette filters, amazingly,

toothpaste and paintbrushes.

Chemical-weapons testing - the ears are used

in chemical-weapons testing. Don't ask me why.

I should hasten to add that not all toothpaste and not all yoghurt contain it.

But if you are a Muslim or Jewish, you've got a problem discovering what's got pig in it.

-Have your work cut out.

-You have your work cut out, like a silhouettist.

According to Bloomberg, there are 42 major areas of manufacturing

that entirely rely on pork products.

It's quite astonishing what one animal can do.

It's the only farmyard animal, if you discount truffle hunting,

it is only useful when dead.

Oh, you say that, you've never gambled with a pig, come on!

They're terrible gamblers. Poker, blackjack...

But obviously, ducks and geese and hens lay eggs

and goats and cows give milk and sheep give...

-Companionship. Love.

-I know they do offer those, it is true.

My brother's got a pig, and that's very true of that one.

They are very endearing animals.

Tell her to be careful, though, because I knew a farmer that had a heart attack

while he was feeding his pigs, and they ate him.

Oh, yes, well, I'm afraid...

You don't want to get into a pen with one

that's approaching sexual maturity,

as I know to my cost.

-Really?

-Yes. It's basically like...

-How are the piglets?!

They've got names, Alan! It's like...

Porky and Perkins!

Pinky and Perkins!

It's scary, it's like a pork piano,

because they breed pigs very long now, cos everyone likes chops.

So you get incredibly long pigs.

With a huge row of udders you can see on the sow, can't you?

And it just runs at you in a sort of matey way.

-This was obviously the boar, the male.

-Yes, she wasn't interested.

Although I was trying to catch her eye.

A lovely thought. Anyway, there you are.

From jelly to juice.

I've got jumbo wrists and I'm covered in tit juice.

What have I been up to?

HIGH-PITCHED PARTY HORN BLARES

You've changed!

Is it a night out with Tarbuck and Perkins?

Jumbo wrists and covered in tit juice.

Sounds like a milk maid to me.

Do you mean tit juice as in bosoms or as in a bird?

Nor, indeed, neither.

It's an occupational hazard.

-Fishing?

-Fishing. It's a fisherman's occupational hazard.

-There is a fishing boat.

-There's Lara covered in tit juice.

-Yeah.

-Awash with it. Yeah.

You get jumbo wrist simply from

repetitive strain injury from gutting the fish.

But tit juice conjunctivitis, to give its proper name, is

the acute swelling of the eyes caused by the juice of tits -

which are sometimes called duffs,

but tits is the most common name -

which are described in the Ship Captain's Medical Guide as

marine growths that look like suet dumplings with finger-like growths

protruding from them.

When they get caught in fishing nets, they explode,

releasing millions of tiny silicon needles,

which go into the fisherman's eyes.

-Oh, God.

-So that's what causes the swelling.

Is this the sort of stuff just generally in lakes and oceans?

Well, if you work every day amongst fish,

there's all kinds of stuff on there aside from the fish you're trying to catch.

For example, there's a thing called Dogger Bank itch.

I'm guilty as charged!

-You do, don't you?

-You got Dogger Bank there!

All I said was...!

You can also get haddock rash.

-Haddock rash?

-Why are you looking at me?

That's an inflammation between fingers from gutting wet fish.

I do often take a fish to bed with me, then I can say to my husband,

"Not tonight, dear, I've got a HADDOCK."

APPLAUSE

That's very good.

It does sound like when you've just given birth as well,

with all those fittings, you do have swollen bits.

Oh, yes, a lot women, when they give birth, can't take

their wedding ring off ever again, can they?

No, and they're pissed off about it.

APPLAUSE

Tit juice conjunctivitis, jumbo wrist and Dogger Bank itch are

occupational hazards of fishermen.

Now, describe Marie-Antoinette's breast cups.

Oh, yes, I know the answer to this, cos I've seen one.

Not her bosoms, but...

They modelled various plates and cups and things

on breasts, on boobs.

I hate the word breasts. Let's just say jugs. Tits.

-I like titties.

-Norks. Do you?

You heard it here first! LIZA: Will you say that again?

No, as a word, titties.

"I like titties"!

-It's official!

-It is!

# In the morning... #

# A lovely bunch of titties! #

I'm rather old-fashioned. Titties. I like titties.

-One of them had a little nipple, as well.

-Absolutely right.

It was during that phase she had, which was started by Madame de Pompadour,

which was pretending to be a peasant.

She lived in the most sophisticated, glittering palace in the world,

in Versailles,

but she liked to pretend to be a milkmaid.

She had gold churns hanging off her and things like that.

-This was considered to be incredibly...

-That's a massive cow!

-Look at the size of it!

-Or a very small little girl, one or the other.

Anyway, the great porcelain works of Sevres, in France,

made for her at the command of King Louis XVI,

these extraordinary cups, which were like breasts - there you can see the nipple -

out of which she would drink milk.

-That's the kind you're talking about.

-Yeah.

They're on display in Petit Trianon, which was her little farmyard,

her play farmyard,

and you can buy replicas if you wish to have one in your own house.

-I'm sure...

-I do.

-I want two!

-You know where to go.

-I want the pair!

-You should have a pair, to be honest.

-A matching pair, ideally.

-No-one wants to drink out of a lone boob.

There is a bra makers who say they can tell what size you are

just by looking at you.

Which I think is quite impressive, so I had to go along and find out.

And they usher you into a room and get you to take everything off. This woman looked at me and went,

"Hmm, not quite as bad as I'd expected."

Bloody cheek!

-What a nerve!

-I know.

I had the same thing, you know, you go down and you have to

gurge yourself up for these things, you're showing your...

titties off...

And this woman's just come in, with three people that she's training,

gone like that with the curtain, looked at me and went,

"Can't help you," and shut it again.

I was like that...

-Shocking.

-Yeah, really was shocking.

"I'll make you a bra, but I can't help you."

We don't get this problem from our underpanters, do we?

We certainly do not.

Mr Klein will hand over his pants to you

without any opprobrious comments.

How extraordinary.

-The things you girls go through.

-Poor us!

Brr! It's been...

There are those titties again!

APPLAUSE

LIZA: "Brr!"

Tonight's the night you turn!

What's the other myth about Marie Antoinette's breasts

that has persisted to this day?

To do with another drink.

-They lived on after her death.

-No!

-Champagne?

Champagne comes in either a flute or tulip glass or in a...?

-In a nipple, kind of...

-A coupe, it's called a coupe.

And there was this idea that the coupe was based on

the size and shape of Marie Antoinette's breasts.

But the standard coupe, it appears, would make her a 36B,

and paintings show she was likely to be a little bigger than that.

-I love it that someone's done that research!

-Yes.

You know those fantastic massive china cooking bowls

that have a lip on the edge of them?

Oh, yes.

They're based on my titties.

-Are they?!

-You know an ironing board?

-They're based on mine.

-Oh, stop it!

No, no, no, no.

I'm saying nothing!

You've all got lovely, lovely...

I've seen St Paul's!

APPLAUSE

Wouldn't it be dull if every street had exactly the same frontage everywhere?

It would be dull if all girls had the same the same frontage.

You've all got lovely frontages.

Now, some milk. Milk and the fad for dairy was

very popular amongst French nobles,

right up until the point when the guillotine cured

all their problems permanently.

So, what's the smallest thing that you can milk?

It's got to be a mammal, hasn't it? Cos only mammals produce milk.

-That's not strictly true.

-Uh-oh!

-An insect?

-It's an insect, yes.

-Cockroach?

-It ruins the lives of thousands.

-Mosquito?

-Not quite as bad as a mosquito,

-which ruins the lives of millions.

-Tsetse fly.

Tsetse fly is the right answer.

The tsetse fly is unique.

They're very ugly and unpleasant,

and if you've been bitten by one, it's horrible.

-It's disgustingly painful.

-Have you been bitten by one?

-Yes, very painful.

In Kenya somewhere. Really, really unpleasant.

Fortunately, I did not get sleeping sickness,

which kills about 48,000 people a year.

But this is unique.

The female fly keeps her eggs and larvae inside her uterus,

where she makes a liquid rich in fats

called intrauterine milk.

She eventually gives birth to one larva at a time,

so it's genuinely suckled by its mother.

So, it's sucking from, like, a milk sack?

Yes, this intrauterine milk.

Extraordinary, isn't it?

But otherwise, it's a vicious creature and much unwanted.

They're also host to a symbiotic bacterium called Wigglesworthia,

named after, someone called, of course, Jones. No!

No, Wigglesworth.

He was an expert on kissing bugs,

which are blood-sucking insects that kiss you around the mouth and lips, very unpleasant.

-I've had a few of them.

-Ha, yes!

They bite humans on the face and lips,

and as they feed, they also defecate, annoyingly.

And as they defecate, the parasite inside their faeces causes...

I've been out with blokes like that.

I don't know why you're looking at me!

Not you!

Causes something called Chagas disease, which is extremely unpleasant.

-Cheggers?

-Not Cheggers, no!

It makes you strip off.

It makes you take your clothes off on Channel 5.

No, it's Chagas, not Cheggers.

But the Wigglesworthia is interesting

as it has the smallest genome of any known living thing.

So it's very important in genetics to discover it as an organism

to see what the absolute minimum genome necessary is for life.

We've got some quite small gnomes in our garden, as well.

No, GENOME... Oh, no...

You've got the fishing genome,

crossing-the-bridge genome...

-The G is silent.

-The IT genome!

What's interesting and might save hundreds of thousands

of African lives is that, without that particular Wigglesworthia,

female tsetse flies are sterile.

So, we could eradicate them as a problem in Africa,

which would be a good thing.

Anyway, that's the tsetse fly.

It's only a centimetre long, not even a mammal,

but it gives birth to live young, which it feeds on milk.

It's party-treat time now.

Isn't this exciting?

I've got something really interesting for you to try.

It's powdered Miracle Berry.

You should have a little cup like this.

If you instantly put that pill in your cup in your mouth...

-Promise it's not going to hurt you.

-We don't even question!

-Don't swallow it.

-We're just doing it! "Yes, Stephen!"

Please do it, don't swallow it.

"Show me your titties."

We've been down this road before, mister!

-It's from fruit.

-It's in.

"Only bite it when you see the whites of the eyes!"

Don't bite it, don't bite it, just roll it round your mouth and tongue.

It's quite sweet.

It takes a little time to work, but when it does, it's rather extraordinary.

It's like a dead Refresher. LIZA: Is my head just going to open like that?

But just try to do a bit of action on it,

just so you can get it to dissolve...

Spread it all over your tongue.

It is quite miraculous. It's why it's called the Miracle Fruit, it's rather exciting.

-I slightly crunched mine.

-Don't swallow it.

SHE CHOKES Why not?!

Keep it in your mouth.

There's a good reason, I want for it to cover all of your tongue,

cos it does something extraordinary to your tongue,

that's what you're going to discover. So keep sucking.

I must remember this speech!

Can you look away?!

If you made them swallow...

"It does something extraordinary to your tongue!

"Don't swallow it!"

Do you feel you've more or less coated yourself in it?

What it does, it gets rid of your tongue's ability

to detect sour and bitter,

so I want you to take a bite on this lemon.

You'll find when you bite on the lemon, it's not exactly sweet,

but it really takes away 90% of its sourness.

I'm going in.

LIZA: I've done it. I've done a lot of coating.

SUE: Oh, that's delicious!

-Extraordinary.

-That's good, isn't it?

None of you has really pulled an "Agh" face.

That's like a really sweet orange.

Exactly. It's bizarre.

-I'm going to regret it later.

-It is a most extraordinary experience.

That'll last about half an hour, 20 minutes, half an hour.

I'm going to have chronic gastritis in 20 minutes.

It was very populous, Miracle Fruit.

They used to have parties where they had a rainbow of different flavours

that would occur because it takes away

your ability to taste the bitter or the sour,

or, indeed, the salt,

so everything becomes sweet but retains a little of its own flavour.

-But it does work.

-Amazing.

-It is.

-Although it is vitamin C,

so internally, I'm rebelling.

Just the fact it might have been slightly healthy!

A friend of mine used to go and feed the horse

at the bottom of his garden when he was a kid

bits of lemon, because it used to make brilliant faces when he...

-That's just naughty!

-It is cruel.

-That's very naughty.

-Very entertaining.

I'm going to save mine for later, I'll give one to a friend.

I'm sure you are!

APPLAUSE

It's just so bad!

Makes it taste so much nicer!

-It's just...

-We've witnessed something big tonight!

-LIZA: It's all over.

-"It tastes lovely for half an hour."

LIZA: "My favourite word is titties!"

It's not sour anymore, is it? Not sour anymore.

You are so bad! Honestly, honestly.

LIZA: "It does amazing things to your tongue."

You are so naughty tonight. I'm very, very disappointed.

I thought the girls would be well behaved, but I'm just so wrong.

We are! You said, "Put it in your mouth."

We just put it in our mouths.

That's what girls are so good at, it's the innocent, wide-eyed...

Ooh. Anyway, Miracle Berries have

the miraculous property of making sour things taste sweet.

So, now,

which international institution had one man and his dog as members?

That was it?

-No, they had lots and lots of other members.

-But they weren't men, presumably?

All the others were women. And human.

The WI?

Yes, the WI.

-Really?

-And Lassie.

The WI... It wasn't that particular man -

this is an example, in case you're stupid,

of what a man and his dog look like.

Cos you might not know.

He's literally blowing smoke up its arse.

"Bloody dog moved!" "Well, we'll have to use it, we're out of film!"

When the WI was formed, the nascent WI, this particular man,

Colonel Richard Stapleton-Cotton, was an enormous fan,

a great admirer, and so...

-Popped a frock on!

-He and his dog Tinker were both members and paid their annual fees.

But they were the only males ever to be members.

Guess which country the WI was started in.

-Canada.

-Yes, good God! How did you do that?

I'm on a roll, I just know WI stuff! I don't know!

Started in Canada, absolutely right.

It was the Women's Department of

the Farmers' Institute of South Wentworth,

with the aim to promote that knowledge of household science which will lead to

improvement in household architecture,

with special attention to home sanitation.

Though then, of course, it broadened its horizons.

It was said that the WI should be grave and gay, which is nice.

SUE: Yep, that sounds like me.

And should explore the world together and learn as much about

growing roses in your garden or trimming hats as about

darkest Africa or Bolshevism.

Which is why they're also famous for

having lecturers coming to address them.

They absorbed knowledge.

And they do an extraordinary amount of charity work.

They donate 24 million hours of their time

to community work every year in the UK.

There's a double J association with the WI,

as it's our letter J. It's a sort of nickname for them.

-Jam and Jerusalem.

-Jam and Jerusalem.

Jerusalem is their anthem

and jam-making is what people think they do.

Obviously, their remit is wider, and they were very patriotic during the war,

did all kinds of things, especially with rabbits.

"Turning bunnies into bombs" was their slogan,

as they tried to breed rabbits for food.

That picture we saw earlier, I wish I'd been born in that time.

-You like those dowdy hats?

-I like those.

I wouldn't have had to make any effort whatsoever.

-It looks great.

-IN COCKNEY ACCENT: But everybody spoke like that.

They talk like that all the time.

Look at those berets. Amazing. They don't look very cheerful,

and one of them's knitting.

One-handed, which is really saying something.

There's Arthur Askey on the end!

They're voting, "Shall we allow the Colonel and his dog to become members?," and they all voted yes.

"Who's been felt up by the Colonel?" "I have.

"Dirty little bugger.

-"That dog, always sniffing around."

-Oh, dear.

Anyway, Colonel Stapleton-Cotton was his name, and his dog, Tinker.

They're the only two non-females

ever to be admitted to the Women's Institute.

I've got something interesting to show you now.

So, I want you to tell me what it is.

Quite simply, what's the name for one of these?

Well, it's a Toby Jug.

This is known as a character jug.

If you want to know what a Toby Jug looks like...

it's that.

-Wow, isn't that pretty!

-A Toby Jug is the whole person.

If it's a head, it's called a character jug.

But I've got something more interesting, I think,

which I hope you're going to like.

It's got water in it.

All you have to do is drink the water without spilling it.

It's got holes in it. And so if you lift it...

SHE SLURPS

It's got holes in it, so that's not going to work.

Do you see? No!

It's gone down my sleeve!

So you've got to try and work it out.

Right, I'm going to hollow out this biro and use it as a straw.

-Like that?

-I'm evolving.

Ah, you're getting there. What are you doing?

No, don't pour it, cos the water will come up. Look at the handle.

The handle is connected to the bottom, so if you could suck one of those tubes...

Cover the holes.

-The other hole.

-And then suck through there.

But there's a secret hole you've got to cover, too.

Hole there. Get those two.

Look under the handle, look under the top of the handle.

-Oh.

-There's a hole there.

If you cover that and the other two holes,

then you release...

-Bit of a palaver.

-Yes!

Oh, Sue!

Just an electrical hazard waiting...

-Go like this.

-That's it, now you can suck it.

Don't tip it!

Bollocks!

APPLAUSE

Liza got there first.

-You got the principle straight away.

-It's like evolution.

Now I know how to do it, I want to have a go.

Couldn't we just have some sandwiches?

-I've got every hole covered!

-No, you haven't.

Don't drink from the top! You have to suck from... Look.

-Suck from there?

-Show her.

Are you sucking from there, right?

I'm sucking from there and holding there.

-And have you found the other hole?

-Yes.

-Now suck it.

No, don't tip it!

Suck without tipping!

It's a hollow handle. The point is the handle is hollow.

It's a wet T-shirt competition!

If you hand it to me here, I'll try and show you.

"An awful thing about how to drink and not to spill will try

"the utmost of your skill."

And this one says, "To drink and not to spill will try the utmost of your skill." Exactly...

Mine says, "You're an idiot, Perkins."

So, this is a hollow, this is hollow, there's water in the bottom,

it's got a little stop, like a flute

or a recorder here, so you've got to cover that up,

and it's got a hole here and a hole here.

If I do that, I can now just simply suck.

But it's a little puzzle jug,

we thought you might have a little fun with it.

Which brings us to the sticky end of the scores.

And my word!

I've never seen anything like it in my all my born puff.

In last place, with a magisterial...

She did start with two minus tens in a row,

so she didn't do that badly after, but she ended with minus 22,

Sue Perkins!

APPLAUSE

And on a highly-creditable minus five, Liza Tarbuck!

Thank you very much. Thank you. APPLAUSE

Well! Well, well, well, well, which one, which one, which one?

One of you got four points. Four whole points.

-Four plus points.

-Please, for the feminists, let it be a lady.

-It's Jo Brand!

-Oh, it is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which can only bring us to the astonishing news

that tonight's winner, with plus 11, is Alan Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Women on television has failed!

Well, we can call him a jammy bugger.

And that's all from Liza, Sue, Jo, Alan and me.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd