Knights and Knaves QI

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

where tonight we'll be sorting out the Knights from the Knaves.

Strapping on the breastplate of interestingness,

we have a goodly knight, Sue Perkins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A knight to remember, Victoria Coren.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A very perfect gentil knight, the Reverend Richard Coles.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the long dark knight of the soul, Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And their knightly noises all come from naves.

Sue goes...

PLAINSONG PLAYS

Lovely. And Victoria goes...

PLAINSONG PLAYS

Richard goes...

PLAINSONG PLAYS

And Alan goes...

BUZZER: # Fruity, fruity, fruity!

# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #

Yes.

# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #

Yes!

# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #

Let... You have been warned.

LAUGHTER

Let's head straight to the lists.

Why was the Black Prince so called?

PLAINSONG PLAYS

Rev Richard?

Well, if my Ladybird Book Of Princes is to be trusted,

it's because he had black armour.

KLAXON

Ey! It's the one occasion where the inestimable Ladybird series

has let you down. There is no evidence.

Is it like Reservoir Dogs, where they weren't allowed to use their first names

and they got a sign up saying "You're the Black Knight, you're the White Knight,

"you're the Pink Knight." "Why do I have to be the Pink Knight?" "Just be the Pink Knight."

It might as well be true.

BUZZER: # Fruity! #

-Yes?

-Was he black?

LAUGHTER

Well, oddly enough,

his mother was perhaps of Moorish descent.

-Ah.

-Philippa of Hainault.

Which is a tube line, isn't it?

-Hainault is very near where I grew up.

-Oh, there you are.

-Like anal.

-Anal. Do you like anal?

Anal...steady!

LAUGHTER

I just, is it, is Hainault good? Is, is...

LAUGHTER

-What, what, what happened?

-I don't know.

-Did something happen there?

I mean...

APPLAUSE

I find, at the end of every tube line, you do get a good Hainault.

I think it falls to me to rescue this, somehow.

Yes, I think you should, yes.

Did you know that the oldest British door comes from Hainault?

-No. The oldest door?

-Well, the wood, it's in Westminster Abbey,

it's a door which connects a cloister to the Abbey,

and the Canons of Westminster live behind it,

and they dated their door.

And they found that the wood it was made from

was growing in Hainault in the 10th century.

Wow! Are you proud?

I am very proud of the door.

The sign painters are getting busy right now, going,

"Home of the oldest door."

-It's a reason to get off at Hainault, finally.

-Yeah.

Is it a wood that grew there a thousand years ago?

Yeah. Well, Philippa of Hainault was perhaps of Moorish descent.

So that may be the reason he was called the Black Prince,

-we don't know for a fact.

-I'm wondering, do you think the Black Prince might have been

called the Black Prince cos his sins were as black as pitch?

Yes. I mean, although he was known as the Master Of Chivalry,

he almost destroyed the entire population of Limoges and Caen.

-Yeah.

-So there we are.

Now, what is the first rule of Knight Club?

LAUGHTER

The first rule of Knight Club?

-Yeah.

-Well...

You don't talk about Knight Club.

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

Oh! It had to be.

-Somebody had to.

-Well done.

-Yeah, exactly.

-I fell on my sword, which seems appropriate.

-Yeah, it was, exactly.

It is an existing club, or a club from the olden times?

No, it's a very olde-times club of knights.

The most famous group of knights of...

-Templar.

-The Knights Templar.

There are still people who think they still exist, and you know,

in the sort of Dan Browny kind of way,

but they actually folded up in 1314. But they were very powerful.

It was after the First Crusade, they were formed, in Jerusalem.

And they were allowed to do almost anything. The law didn't apply to them in Jerusalem,

which annoyed a lot of people, but there were certain things they weren't allowed to do.

They weren't allowed to breed ferrets?

To breed ferrets! Do you, anything else you know about them?

-Well, you know they look like that.

-Chew gum.

-I know about ley lines.

-Go on then.

-They made them.

-They made, you see,

you've been reading these stupid books about knights,

"Apparently, they are responsible for laying ley lines."

-No, well...

-"No."

-They know where they are, anyway.

Yes, they do. They've got them all hidden.

-No sex?

-Well, yeah, they were allowed to marry,

but if they married, they weren't allowed to wear the white and red uniform.

There was no hunting except lions.

LAUGHTER

-That's quite specific.

-That would actually be a brilliant rule for now, wouldn't it?

There's so much debate about whether you should hunt or not.

Please everyone - "OK, hunting is allowed, but only lions."

Lions. That's very true.

They were only allowed one squire each, no telling tales,

no lockable purses.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

I suppose they have to show their trust or something like that.

But their last and most important rule was no kissing.

"Lastly, we hold it dangerous to all religion

"to gaze too much on the countenance of women

"and therefore, no brother shall presume to kiss neither widow,

"nor virgin, nor mother, nor sister, nor aunt, nor any other woman."

But anal's all right.

LAUGHTER

Well...

APPLAUSE

It's very funny you should say that, because one of the reasons

they were closed down is there was a charge against them...

-Too much buggery.

-Yeah.

There was a charge against them.

"Deosculabantur se in ore, in umbilico, seu ventre nudo,

"et in ano, seu in spina dorsi." "Et in ano."

-Et in ano.

-"Et in ano."

-And the end, yeah.

-Yeah.

And in Hainault.

And the accusation was that they kissed one another on the mouth,

on the naval, the bare belly, the anus, or the backbone.

-Well, they were thorough.

-They were!

LAUGHTER

When you're looking for a ley line, you don't want to leave any stone unturned.

There might be one coming out of his arse.

I'll have a look.

-But that is...

-Right, that's enough! That's enough, Templars!

LAUGHTER

Did you know that the Temple Church in London, which was founded by the

Knights Templar, and there are still some Knights Templar lying around...

-Dead ones, yeah.

-There's a unique title for, if you're the priest in charge there,

you're the Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.

-Oh, that's very good.

-Which sounds like something from a Star Wars movie.

-The Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.

-Yeah.

-In that picture, is he going,

"Show me on the cross where he kissed you?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're all going, yeah, yeah.

He's saying, "But my arms are much too long."

-Yes.

-"I'm not going to fit on this."

Yes. You're going to nail me against the air.

-It's true...

-You're going to have to just nail my ears to it.

LAUGHTER

Now, what makes you think this knight is a total bastard?

-Oh, he looks like a mean...

-His hat.

-Oh...

-Not his hat.

PLAINSONG PLAYS

-Richard?

-He's got a diagonal white stripe across his lions,

which means he's been naughty.

-No, he hasn't been naughty at all.

-I beg his pardon.

Is he, oh, is he illegitimate? Has his father been naughty?

His father's been naughty. It's what's known as the "bend sinister".

Oh, we've all had bend sinister.

It starts at the bottom left and goes up to the top right,

which indicates you are a bastard.

And in his case, there's more information just on that simple coat of arms.

The three lions.

-No, he's not the bastard son of Wayne Rooney.

-Wayne Rooney.

Yeah, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Something told me you were going to say that.

Is the red significant?

Yes, it's the Royal Family. It's a royal coat of arms.

-So he's a royal bastard.

-Yeah.

-So he's a Fitz-John or something?

-A Fitz?

-Fitz-Herb, Fitz...

-Fitz-Herbert?

-Fitz-John, Fitzroy. Of course.

-Fitzroy. His name would be Fitzroy.

Fitz is the "son of" and roy, "roi", is king.

And one particular king had five Fitzroys from his mistress.

Who would that be?

-Who was a really...

-Oh, hang on, George, one of the Georges?

No. Go back a bit. Rewind.

-Henry VIII.

-Charles II.

-Charles II.

-Henry VII.

-No, Charles II. We got there.

-Charles II.

-We got there without you. Charles II.

-Shouting out some kings to move it along.

Very good. She was called Barbara Palmer and she bore him five...

-Babs.

-Five, Babs Palmer.

They don't think of the Babs, do they.

She might have been a Babs, I expect, yeah.

-Queen Babs.

-Yeah.

-"You Fitz'd me up again."

-You Fitz'd me up.

And we have a Henry...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But does it cancel out, if the one with the stripe then marries

and has a legitimate son, don't they take the stripe away?

Ah, that would be very good.

No, I think you keep it, I think, in your coat of arms.

There are certain things which indicate something very extraordinary about your shield.

-What do you think they are?

-OK.

-They have a particular meaning.

PLAINSONG PLAYS

Yeah?

Is it visible panty line?

LAUGHTER

Oh...

It's terrible, really, they get terrible VPL.

It's not visible panty line.

It's the colours, actually, are indicative of...

Status?

Of sin. Of a mistake, an error.

They're known as abatements, also as "stains"

as in a stain on the family name, or a stain on the...

Oh. So what can a stain be?

-It's got to be very serious if it's going on your coat of arms.

-I know.

Well, the first is called the point champaine tenne,

and it's for killing a prisoner who has demanded quarter, or mercy.

Which is really ungentlemanly.

It's a bit like points on a driving licence, isn't it?

-It is. You're absolutely right.

-It's the points on the shield for...

-Yeah. Exactly.

And the next one here, which we'll have a look at.

Needs dusting.

LAUGHTER

This is called the delf tenne,

and that's for issuing a challenge and then bottling out.

-Coward.

-Yeah.

-That's a big old yellow smudge on that.

Exactly. Very much a smudge on the coat of arms.

And then, we have a gusset, a gusset sanguine sinister.

-A gusset sanguine?

-Yeah.

On a knight, really?

Yeah, I know, absurd, isn't it?

-Gusset sanguine....

-There's no reason for you to get it.

-Well, the sanguine is the colour.

-So a bloody...

-It's blood colour. It's for being drunk.

And you have a gusset sanguine dexter.

Which is on the right, and that's...

-Is being...

-Being stoned?

-Being an adulterer.

-Oh, right.

And there you are.

Now we have one that you have to guess, so tell me what this is.

You're a drunken adulterer.

There you are, you see, points for listening.

So that's the whole world of heraldry.

In a way, it's sort of a nicer design for the drunken adulterer.

-It is, isn't it?

-I feel like it's too rewarding.

Is it two gussets or a wine glass?

Well, that's the choice facing the drunken adulterer.

Yes, exactly. Exactly.

LAUGHTER

-It's perfect.

-Every Saturday.

APPLAUSE

Oh, they knew what they were doing.

Did you know that if you're a clergyman you can't have

a helmet on your coat of arms?

-Oh, thank God.

-Phew!

LAUGHTER

Because you can't have been a chaplain or something?

No, you can't do anything which is... Did you know that if you're a clergyman,

if you go to a black tie do, you can't have a stripe down your trousers?

-No.

-Because, no, because it's a military insignia.

-Oh.

-And you can't have that.

And you can't have a helmet because it's a martial sign.

So you have to have this sort of, it's a lovely sort of,

do you remember Bill and Ben?

It's a bit like that, it's called a galero.

-Oh, how fabulous.

-And it's black if you're a priest and red if you're a Cardinal.

And if you're the Pope, you get a pointy one with three tiaras.

-Oh!

-Oh. Quite the fellow.

I want to be Pope now.

I think you'd look good in that.

You've got to, oh, you've got to have it.

So that's our knights with their shields.

You also find knights on a chess board, of course.

So what I want to know is this very strange conundrum.

What's the maximum number of knights you can have on a chess board,

such that none of them can take another one?

-Oh, multiples of eight, I suppose.

-I'll give you, you can try it out.

So that none can...

Maximum number.

What you have to do is understand what a knight's move is.

Stephen, I don't understand the question.

It's the maximum, it's the maximum number of knights you could

have on a chess board, such that none can take the other.

Have you noticed something in common with the ones you're putting down?

-They're all the same.

-The same, OK, the same colour, so...

Yes, because a knight move must take a different colour.

-Oh.

-So 32.

-32 is the right answer!

-Oh.

It's really very simple when you think about it, isn't it? Very good.

APPLAUSE

It's one of those things that sounds very complicated, that you have to work out for ages,

-but there you are.

-I still don't understand it at all.

Well, none of those knights can take another knight.

-But isn't that rather more knights than we're used to?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

It's a problem, it's not a real chess situation.

-It's if you had...

-Because they move, because of the way they move,

diagonal and up one, they move to the alternate colour.

-Yes.

-So if you've got all the knights on the same colour, they cannot take...

-Exactly right, I mean that's how...

-Oh, I get it.

In the centre of the board, you're controlling eight different squares there.

They're all a different colour, the knights are on a black square.

So all you have to do is put them all on a black or a white square.

When you move your knight, do you make a horsey noise?

HE WHINNIES

Do you? That's so sweet.

HE SNORTS AND SPUTTERS

And when you move your rook.

SHE CAWS

When I do the bishop...

HE IMITATES PLAINSONG

-When you do your queen, "Hello."

-"Hello."

-"Hello."

That's your bishop.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, you're going to get in such trouble.

-No!

You're going to get in trouble from both sides.

I've been going, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you."

You're getting into trouble from both sides, Richard.

If the Bishop of Peterborough is watching this evening,

you'll have my resignation on your desk in the morning, by the way.

Isn't there a version of chess for kind of chess-heads

called fairy chess, where the pieces do more things?

-What a wonderful...

-I'm not making this up, I'm sure this is true.

-Fairy chess.

That there's versions of chess where you can call these fairy pieces

-and they can do extra things.

-How many drugs did you take

when you were hanging out with Jimmy Somerville?

So you can just go, you're playing chess and suddenly you go,

"No, we're playing fairy chess now."

-SHE SINGS:

-# La, la, la, la, la... #

Check mate.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, well, I don't have to touch the pieces.

-Yeah.

-Oh, I see.

-The whole point of chess is its limitations.

-Yeah.

-Yes. Precisely.

It's all about the strictness in which you have to operate.

But you know, but hang on, Mrs Poker Player Victoria Coren Mitchell,

aren't there versions of poker where they kind of introduce

wild cards and stuff to kind of get it...? It's the same sort of thing.

Yeah, poker's different. As Martin Amis once said,

"In chess, the properties of a bishop are fixed.

"In poker, it's all wobbled through the prism of personality."

-Very good.

-You'd have obviously to check...

-Beautiful quote.

-Beautifully put.

But do you know when he said that, Stephen?

It was after a poker game that you and I and he all played.

-Yes, I remember, in Wales.

-Many years ago.

-With the then-unknown Ricky Gervais.

Ricky Gervais was knocked out, got up and said,

"What am I supposed to do now?"

And you said, "There's a shotgun in the drawer."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, God.

That would be a very good, very good title for a book.

So, now, name a place where a knight can be buried.

The ground.

KLAXON

Amazingly not.

APPLAUSE

You must be astonished to know that isn't true.

Do they have to be buried above the ground?

No, I'm saying that they can be buried,

but where can they be buried?

In a...tomb?

-A vault?

-A hole.

LAUGHTER

-A pyramid.

-A pyramid.

The fact is, is the moment you are dead, you are no longer a knight.

-You're not a knight any more!

-Oh, of course!

-Right.

Cos everyone was shouting about how Jimmy Savile should

have his knighthood taken away. But they'd have had to give it back to him in order to take it away.

You're no longer a member of the Order the moment you die.

So the moment you die, you're not a knight. So you can't bury a knight anywhere.

Unless you're very mean and bury them alive, I suppose.

I'm sorry to go on about it, but if you're a clergyman,

and you're knighted, you can't call yourself Sir.

-Whoa!

-Unless you are knighted before you're ordained,

and then you can be the Reverend Sir or Lady.

-What a swiz!

-It's this thing about, cos it's a chivalric order, you can't be...

It's military, isn't it, if you're a knight.

Exactly, so you can't be that if you're a vicar. You can't bear arms.

You can bare legs though, can't you? Yes. Ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

So, there are no dead knights, only dead former knights.

Now to some knaves.

What's the best way to stop your car from being stolen?

Never park it, just drive it around and around.

Keep driving round and around and around. Yeah.

What you've cunningly done is avoid the obvious trap of saying

"have a car alarm", because it seems that car alarms are worse than useless.

In fact, we know that instinctively, don't we.

-Yeah, because you ignore them.

-You ignore them. Exactly.

-Yeah.

In fact, not only that, 1% of people, when asked,

said that they would actually call the police if they heard a car alarm,

and 60% said they would call up to complain about it.

So you would actually make a phone call, but not to say that someone's

car was being stolen, but just to say what a bloody nuisance it was.

-So if that's the worst thing to do, what's the best thing to do?

-Put in an old-fashioned lock.

-Or have a rubbish car.

-Or have a terrible car.

-I've got a terrible car.

-Have you?

-With loads of graffiti on it. Someone drew a penis on the front bonnet.

A friend of mine who's married to a vicar, she came out one morning

and found someone had written "Monk Whore" on the back of her car.

LAUGHTER

Extraordinary! Monk whore.

-Monk whore.

-And now on BBC 1, Monk Whore.

LAUGHTER

-Robson Green...

-Is Monk Whore.

But did you know that actually car thieving

is almost never a female occupation?

-That's like a challenge.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Tonight, the pair of us.

There's, I'm sure you know who that is, but...

That's Bonnie.

Bonnie as in Bonnie and Clyde, yes.

But apparently, the confraternity of car thieves don't think women

should be allowed, so if a woman steals a car,

they can't sell it on, cos they go, "Oh, I'm not having that.

"I'm not having it off you, you don't know what it's about."

So what you're saying is there's very little to divide between car thieves and car salesmen.

-Yes.

-Of a similar view.

-It's a sexist bastion.

I saw this brilliant documentary about crime

and they interviewed these two young car criminals who were in jail,

and they talked about what pride they took in their work,

and one of them turned to the camera and said,

"Some car criminals, unfortunately, give the rest of us a bad name."

Fantastic. A bit of pride in his work.

Now, explain the effect of Stockholm Syndrome.

-Oh.

-Wasn't that when you identify...

LAUGHTER

Oh. But you identify, if you're a victim of kidnap,

you identify with your kidnappers

-and you sort of become weird friends.

-Yeah.

-Is that right?

I mean, that is what they say.

From the Patty Hearst kidnap, is where it started?

Well, no, because she was nothing to do with Stockholm.

There was a '73 kidnapping in Stockholm, where,

after which it was named, that's the Stockholm four.

And they defended the robbers after the event and so on, so...

-Cos they'd become so inured to the system of...

-That's right.

-Yeah.

And the most famous one, as you rightly say,

was the heiress of William Randolph Hearst, Patty Hearst,

who was kidnapped by a strange group

called the Symbionese Liberation Army.

Unusually for a clergyman of the Church of England,

I've had dinner with Patty Hearst.

-You haven't!

-I have.

-How was she? Is she back to normal?

Charming, completely charming, I didn't know who she was until someone said who she was.

By the time they had coffee, she wanted to be a vicar.

LAUGHTER

She had sort of become a kind of Bohemian socialite in Los Angeles,

in the 1980s, when I used to go there

in a previous incarnation, and I met her...

And when you were a rock star, a rock god.

-Oh, you!

-Yeah.

And I met her there. It was those sort of dinners that you would go to

where everyone would be weirdly famous

and have no other reason to be there at all,

so you'd have Patty Hearst and, I don't know...

-Nancy Reagan.

-Andy Warhol and Eddie the Eagle, you know.

Oh, that's a dinner you'd want to go to.

Definitely. Definitely.

But the fact is, it seems to be an aberration, it's very rare.

Most people when they're kidnapped, have nothing

but feelings of complete hostility

towards their captors. As you would expect.

I would feel, as a clergyman, sort of bound to sort of...

Are you a clergyman?

-I would sort of feel obliged to kind of be nice to them.

-Oh, you would.

And establish some rapport of some kind.

-"I do understand your point of view."

-Exactly, yes. "I think your case is good in parts."

-It would be like that.

-Yes, exactly.

So there was a famous figure in history,

one of the most famous in history, who did certainly not have

Stockholm Syndrome, who was kidnapped by pirates.

-And...

-Pirates in history, kidnapped...

-Johnny Depp.

No. This is a great figure in history.

-Kidnapped by pirates?

-Who was kidnapped by pirates,

was held hostage and the ransom was paid.

-Give us some clues.

-What sort of era?

He then pursued them with a small fleet, or a number of boats, a flotilla.

-Francis Drake.

-Drake?

-No, and...

-Cook?

-Raleigh, Cook?

-Nelson.

Had them all crucified.

-Oh.

-A Roman.

-Oh, it was Julius Caesar.

-Julius Caesar is the right answer.

-Julius Caesar.

-Yeah. And the thing is, he had told them while he was held hostage,

"When I get out of here, I will come back and I will crucify you."

And they apparently thought it was a joke.

Joke's on you.

-Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

-Who's laughing now?

Yeah. They didn't know their Caesar. Exactly.

-So, one tough cookie.

-How do you crucify someone if they've got hooks for hands?

It's very, very difficult.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do they hang them up?

-They have magnets, massive magnets.

-Magnets. Magnets.

They have got one wooden leg, though, haven't they, so that's not so difficult.

Why? Why was Julius Caesar kidnapped by pirates?

-Under what circumstances?

-It was a ransom, simply, it was a business...

But they didn't kill him, it sounds like he was harsh.

He went after them and had them crucified.

He was not a man to be trifled with. Julie.

-Well, especially if you call him Julie, I imagine.

-Yeah, no, he didn't like that.

The worst thing you can do to Julius Caesar, call him Julie.

Is call him Jules. There is a suggestion that Stockholm syndrome could be

a sort of psychological thing, in the same way that women

throughout history have had to put up with being taken and seized

and that the human being is conditioned to make the best of a bad job.

-Well, we've all been there.

-But that's just a relationship, Stephen.

-Oh yes, that's right.

-But it is sort of logical, if you thought you were being kidnapped long-term,

-it makes sense to try and see it from the other person's point of view.

-Yes, it does.

-Just to maintain sanity, apart from anything.

-In fact, to get the syndrome to work on them,

rather than you, for them to be so fond of you, they would no longer want to kill you.

Which would be handy.

Now, what's a good reason for faking your own kidnapping?

Oh, I mean...

If you're bored on holiday?

-That would do it.

-You're trying to get out of a relationship,

that's why I always do it.

There was an American man who pretended to be kidnapped

just so that he had an excuse as to why he hadn't

called his girlfriend for two weeks.

LAUGHTER

He was terrified of her reaction.

And the police realised it because he had duct tape

round his wrists, but the reel, the spool of it was still connected.

You can't tear it with your teeth, it's so fibrous.

I could imagine the girlfriend saying, "You could still have texted."

Yes, exactly. Exactly, he could have done.

There was Jennifer Wilbanks of Duluth,

who faked a kidnapping to get out of attending her own wedding.

Yeah, I've been there.

But weirdest of all, there was a 2008 case of another Spaniard,

Josefa Sanchez Vargas, who convinced

her husband to pay more than half a million pounds to secure the release

of their children. It was a faked kidnapping, which you'd say,

"Well, that's, we expect that," except she did that six times over five years.

He didn't twig.

-That's quite a nest egg, isn't it?

-Every time she needed a new hat.

Some people get kidnapped just for the thrill of it.

-Can you imagine why that would be?

-So they pay for kidnappers to kidnap them

so they can experience the visceral thrill of, you know,

being in a car boot with a load of duct tape round your ankles.

-Absolutely that.

-People are weird.

-I know.

Anyway, yes, there's a French company that,

for 900 Euros, gives you your basic kidnapping.

Which is being shoved into a car boot and held down and blindfolded.

And then, for a little extra money, you can have helicopter chases

and really quite sort of sexy stuff.

-And then, they'll cut your ear off and send it to your mum.

-Yes.

So now it's time for me to hold you all hostage.

There's no escape from General Ignorance.

Fingers on the buzzers please.

How long should you wait before reporting a missing person to the police?

PLAINSONG PLAYS

-Yes, Sue?

-Well, certainly until they're missing.

LAUGHTER

-Very good.

-Until they're out of sight.

-Yeah.

-Yes, that's...

-Just when they've left the road.

-Yes, when they've turned the corner.

-Yes.

-When is it too soon?

Just going to make a cup of tea. Right, I'm ringing.

24 hours?

KLAXON

Ah, no.

-You shouldn't wait at all, if you're convinced someone's missing.

-Absolutely right.

If you take your child into a supermarket, it would be 20 minutes, wouldn't it?

-You know that they're gone.

-20 seconds.

-20 seconds. You just check they're not there.

I'm going to wait 24 hours.

Go home to my wife, "Well, I don't know where she is."

LAUGHTER

-"But I'm going to wait till tomorrow."

-Yes.

"We might as well go out, because we don't have to get a baby-sitter."

LAUGHTER

"Let's go and have a curry and some wine and phone her in the morning."

You're absolutely right. Then of course if it's an adult, it doesn't matter,

cos the police are very likely just to say, "That's not our business."

Unless they have a particular problem.

But the fact is, yeah, there is no set time.

The police use their own skill and judgement, as it were.

-If it's a child, there's obviously...

-Oh, well.

ALAN LAUGHS

-I don't know why that's...

-That's a message.

That's three words you don't hear in the same sentence, isn't it?

Yeah, you just hope you're not burgled soon, Alan.

Oh, I was burgled so many times in the '90s that one time

they came round, it was like the fifth time I'd been burgled,

they came round and my cat came in, and this constable goes,

"If only he could talk."

LAUGHTER

That's fantastic. Oh, that's brilliant.

Is that how we're going to, is that it then?

Is that the extent of the investigation?

Willing the animal to give evidence.

Now, what did Parliament pay for to put in Sir Peter Viggers' garden?

PLAINSONG PLAYS

Yes?

The notorious duck house.

KLAXON

Ah. You're in the duck house there.

The fact is, the duck house was one of the ones that they turned down.

-Oh.

-Yeah, he put in claims for £32,000 for gardening.

£500 for 28 tonnes of manure.

£1,645 for the duck island, but that was turned down

by the eagle-eyed guardians of the national purse.

It's probably worth mentioning that at the same time as that

eight billion pounds was spent bailing out the banks,

it was just that was too big a sum for anyone to get their heads around,

so they went, "What? Ten pounds for a sandwich?!"

-I know.

-This is appalling.

-It is, it's fascinating, isn't it?

Sir Peter Viggers later commented that the duck house was,

"Never liked by the ducks..."

LAUGHTER

"..and is now in storage."

Ah, look, there they are. They don't need an island.

-(I love ducks, don't you?)

-Hmm.

You never see that sort of thing on a coat of arms, do you?

All the sort of lions and dragons, you never see something nice like a duck.

-A duck.

-Or a, you know, Eggs Benedict, or some sort of friendly,

-like a friendly thing.

-Yes, like a hamster or guinea pig or something.

-Yeah.

-That's true. A furry bearing.

-Yes.

Anyway, the famous duck house didn't cost the taxpayer a penny.

And with that last tilt at our old friend General Ignorance,

we reach the end of tonight's performance,

and I can tell you that it is incredibly exciting.

We have leaders, two leaders, with plus three, Richard and Victoria.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wowzer!

In third place, with minus seven, Alan Davies,

highly commendable, highly commendable.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with a fantastic minus 24 is Sue Perkins.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well...

And it only remains for me to thank my panellists,

Victoria, Sue, Richard and Alan.

Thank you and goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd