Knights and Knaves QI


Knights and Knaves

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we'll be sorting out the Knights from the Knaves.

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Strapping on the breastplate of interestingness,

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we have a goodly knight, Sue Perkins.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A knight to remember, Victoria Coren.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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A very perfect gentil knight, the Reverend Richard Coles.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And the long dark knight of the soul, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And their knightly noises all come from naves.

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Sue goes...

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PLAINSONG PLAYS

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Lovely. And Victoria goes...

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PLAINSONG PLAYS

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Richard goes...

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PLAINSONG PLAYS

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And Alan goes...

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BUZZER: # Fruity, fruity, fruity!

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# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #

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Yes.

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# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #

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Yes!

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# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #

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Let... You have been warned.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's head straight to the lists.

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Why was the Black Prince so called?

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PLAINSONG PLAYS

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Rev Richard?

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Well, if my Ladybird Book Of Princes is to be trusted,

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it's because he had black armour.

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KLAXON

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Ey! It's the one occasion where the inestimable Ladybird series

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has let you down. There is no evidence.

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Is it like Reservoir Dogs, where they weren't allowed to use their first names

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and they got a sign up saying "You're the Black Knight, you're the White Knight,

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"you're the Pink Knight." "Why do I have to be the Pink Knight?" "Just be the Pink Knight."

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It might as well be true.

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BUZZER: # Fruity! #

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-Yes?

-Was he black?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, oddly enough,

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his mother was perhaps of Moorish descent.

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-Ah.

-Philippa of Hainault.

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Which is a tube line, isn't it?

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-Hainault is very near where I grew up.

-Oh, there you are.

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-Like anal.

-Anal. Do you like anal?

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Anal...steady!

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LAUGHTER

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I just, is it, is Hainault good? Is, is...

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LAUGHTER

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-What, what, what happened?

-I don't know.

-Did something happen there?

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I mean...

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APPLAUSE

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I find, at the end of every tube line, you do get a good Hainault.

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I think it falls to me to rescue this, somehow.

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Yes, I think you should, yes.

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Did you know that the oldest British door comes from Hainault?

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-No. The oldest door?

-Well, the wood, it's in Westminster Abbey,

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it's a door which connects a cloister to the Abbey,

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and the Canons of Westminster live behind it,

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and they dated their door.

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And they found that the wood it was made from

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was growing in Hainault in the 10th century.

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Wow! Are you proud?

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I am very proud of the door.

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The sign painters are getting busy right now, going,

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"Home of the oldest door."

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-It's a reason to get off at Hainault, finally.

-Yeah.

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Is it a wood that grew there a thousand years ago?

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Yeah. Well, Philippa of Hainault was perhaps of Moorish descent.

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So that may be the reason he was called the Black Prince,

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-we don't know for a fact.

-I'm wondering, do you think the Black Prince might have been

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called the Black Prince cos his sins were as black as pitch?

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Yes. I mean, although he was known as the Master Of Chivalry,

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he almost destroyed the entire population of Limoges and Caen.

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-Yeah.

-So there we are.

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Now, what is the first rule of Knight Club?

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LAUGHTER

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The first rule of Knight Club?

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-Yeah.

-Well...

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You don't talk about Knight Club.

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KLAXON

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APPLAUSE

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Oh! It had to be.

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-Somebody had to.

-Well done.

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-Yeah, exactly.

-I fell on my sword, which seems appropriate.

-Yeah, it was, exactly.

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It is an existing club, or a club from the olden times?

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No, it's a very olde-times club of knights.

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The most famous group of knights of...

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-Templar.

-The Knights Templar.

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There are still people who think they still exist, and you know,

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in the sort of Dan Browny kind of way,

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but they actually folded up in 1314. But they were very powerful.

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It was after the First Crusade, they were formed, in Jerusalem.

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And they were allowed to do almost anything. The law didn't apply to them in Jerusalem,

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which annoyed a lot of people, but there were certain things they weren't allowed to do.

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They weren't allowed to breed ferrets?

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To breed ferrets! Do you, anything else you know about them?

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-Well, you know they look like that.

-Chew gum.

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-I know about ley lines.

-Go on then.

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-They made them.

-They made, you see,

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you've been reading these stupid books about knights,

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"Apparently, they are responsible for laying ley lines."

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-No, well...

-"No."

-They know where they are, anyway.

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Yes, they do. They've got them all hidden.

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-No sex?

-Well, yeah, they were allowed to marry,

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but if they married, they weren't allowed to wear the white and red uniform.

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There was no hunting except lions.

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LAUGHTER

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-That's quite specific.

-That would actually be a brilliant rule for now, wouldn't it?

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There's so much debate about whether you should hunt or not.

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Please everyone - "OK, hunting is allowed, but only lions."

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Lions. That's very true.

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They were only allowed one squire each, no telling tales,

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no lockable purses.

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-Oh.

-Yeah.

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I suppose they have to show their trust or something like that.

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But their last and most important rule was no kissing.

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"Lastly, we hold it dangerous to all religion

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"to gaze too much on the countenance of women

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"and therefore, no brother shall presume to kiss neither widow,

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"nor virgin, nor mother, nor sister, nor aunt, nor any other woman."

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But anal's all right.

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LAUGHTER

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Well...

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APPLAUSE

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It's very funny you should say that, because one of the reasons

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they were closed down is there was a charge against them...

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-Too much buggery.

-Yeah.

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There was a charge against them.

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"Deosculabantur se in ore, in umbilico, seu ventre nudo,

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"et in ano, seu in spina dorsi." "Et in ano."

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-Et in ano.

-"Et in ano."

-And the end, yeah.

-Yeah.

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And in Hainault.

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And the accusation was that they kissed one another on the mouth,

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on the naval, the bare belly, the anus, or the backbone.

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-Well, they were thorough.

-They were!

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LAUGHTER

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When you're looking for a ley line, you don't want to leave any stone unturned.

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There might be one coming out of his arse.

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I'll have a look.

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-But that is...

-Right, that's enough! That's enough, Templars!

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LAUGHTER

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Did you know that the Temple Church in London, which was founded by the

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Knights Templar, and there are still some Knights Templar lying around...

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-Dead ones, yeah.

-There's a unique title for, if you're the priest in charge there,

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you're the Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.

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-Oh, that's very good.

-Which sounds like something from a Star Wars movie.

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-The Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.

-Yeah.

-In that picture, is he going,

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"Show me on the cross where he kissed you?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They're all going, yeah, yeah.

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He's saying, "But my arms are much too long."

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-Yes.

-"I'm not going to fit on this."

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Yes. You're going to nail me against the air.

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-It's true...

-You're going to have to just nail my ears to it.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, what makes you think this knight is a total bastard?

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-Oh, he looks like a mean...

-His hat.

-Oh...

-Not his hat.

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PLAINSONG PLAYS

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-Richard?

-He's got a diagonal white stripe across his lions,

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which means he's been naughty.

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-No, he hasn't been naughty at all.

-I beg his pardon.

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Is he, oh, is he illegitimate? Has his father been naughty?

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His father's been naughty. It's what's known as the "bend sinister".

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Oh, we've all had bend sinister.

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It starts at the bottom left and goes up to the top right,

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which indicates you are a bastard.

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And in his case, there's more information just on that simple coat of arms.

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The three lions.

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-No, he's not the bastard son of Wayne Rooney.

-Wayne Rooney.

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Yeah, yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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Something told me you were going to say that.

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Is the red significant?

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Yes, it's the Royal Family. It's a royal coat of arms.

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-So he's a royal bastard.

-Yeah.

-So he's a Fitz-John or something?

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-A Fitz?

-Fitz-Herb, Fitz...

-Fitz-Herbert?

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-Fitz-John, Fitzroy. Of course.

-Fitzroy. His name would be Fitzroy.

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Fitz is the "son of" and roy, "roi", is king.

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And one particular king had five Fitzroys from his mistress.

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Who would that be?

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-Who was a really...

-Oh, hang on, George, one of the Georges?

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No. Go back a bit. Rewind.

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-Henry VIII.

-Charles II.

-Charles II.

-Henry VII.

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-No, Charles II. We got there.

-Charles II.

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-We got there without you. Charles II.

-Shouting out some kings to move it along.

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Very good. She was called Barbara Palmer and she bore him five...

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-Babs.

-Five, Babs Palmer.

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They don't think of the Babs, do they.

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She might have been a Babs, I expect, yeah.

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-Queen Babs.

-Yeah.

-"You Fitz'd me up again."

-You Fitz'd me up.

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And we have a Henry...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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But does it cancel out, if the one with the stripe then marries

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and has a legitimate son, don't they take the stripe away?

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Ah, that would be very good.

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No, I think you keep it, I think, in your coat of arms.

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There are certain things which indicate something very extraordinary about your shield.

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-What do you think they are?

-OK.

-They have a particular meaning.

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PLAINSONG PLAYS

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Yeah?

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Is it visible panty line?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh...

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It's terrible, really, they get terrible VPL.

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It's not visible panty line.

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It's the colours, actually, are indicative of...

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Status?

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Of sin. Of a mistake, an error.

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They're known as abatements, also as "stains"

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as in a stain on the family name, or a stain on the...

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Oh. So what can a stain be?

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-It's got to be very serious if it's going on your coat of arms.

-I know.

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Well, the first is called the point champaine tenne,

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and it's for killing a prisoner who has demanded quarter, or mercy.

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Which is really ungentlemanly.

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It's a bit like points on a driving licence, isn't it?

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-It is. You're absolutely right.

-It's the points on the shield for...

-Yeah. Exactly.

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And the next one here, which we'll have a look at.

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Needs dusting.

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LAUGHTER

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This is called the delf tenne,

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and that's for issuing a challenge and then bottling out.

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-Coward.

-Yeah.

-That's a big old yellow smudge on that.

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Exactly. Very much a smudge on the coat of arms.

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And then, we have a gusset, a gusset sanguine sinister.

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-A gusset sanguine?

-Yeah.

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On a knight, really?

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Yeah, I know, absurd, isn't it?

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-Gusset sanguine....

-There's no reason for you to get it.

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-Well, the sanguine is the colour.

-So a bloody...

-It's blood colour. It's for being drunk.

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And you have a gusset sanguine dexter.

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Which is on the right, and that's...

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-Is being...

-Being stoned?

-Being an adulterer.

-Oh, right.

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And there you are.

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Now we have one that you have to guess, so tell me what this is.

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You're a drunken adulterer.

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There you are, you see, points for listening.

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So that's the whole world of heraldry.

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In a way, it's sort of a nicer design for the drunken adulterer.

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-It is, isn't it?

-I feel like it's too rewarding.

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Is it two gussets or a wine glass?

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Well, that's the choice facing the drunken adulterer.

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Yes, exactly. Exactly.

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LAUGHTER

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-It's perfect.

-Every Saturday.

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, they knew what they were doing.

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Did you know that if you're a clergyman you can't have

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a helmet on your coat of arms?

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-Oh, thank God.

-Phew!

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LAUGHTER

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Because you can't have been a chaplain or something?

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No, you can't do anything which is... Did you know that if you're a clergyman,

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if you go to a black tie do, you can't have a stripe down your trousers?

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-No.

-Because, no, because it's a military insignia.

-Oh.

-And you can't have that.

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And you can't have a helmet because it's a martial sign.

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So you have to have this sort of, it's a lovely sort of,

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do you remember Bill and Ben?

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It's a bit like that, it's called a galero.

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-Oh, how fabulous.

-And it's black if you're a priest and red if you're a Cardinal.

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And if you're the Pope, you get a pointy one with three tiaras.

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-Oh!

-Oh. Quite the fellow.

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I want to be Pope now.

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I think you'd look good in that.

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You've got to, oh, you've got to have it.

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So that's our knights with their shields.

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You also find knights on a chess board, of course.

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So what I want to know is this very strange conundrum.

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What's the maximum number of knights you can have on a chess board,

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such that none of them can take another one?

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-Oh, multiples of eight, I suppose.

-I'll give you, you can try it out.

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So that none can...

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Maximum number.

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What you have to do is understand what a knight's move is.

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Stephen, I don't understand the question.

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It's the maximum, it's the maximum number of knights you could

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have on a chess board, such that none can take the other.

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Have you noticed something in common with the ones you're putting down?

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-They're all the same.

-The same, OK, the same colour, so...

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Yes, because a knight move must take a different colour.

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-Oh.

-So 32.

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-32 is the right answer!

-Oh.

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It's really very simple when you think about it, isn't it? Very good.

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APPLAUSE

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It's one of those things that sounds very complicated, that you have to work out for ages,

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-but there you are.

-I still don't understand it at all.

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Well, none of those knights can take another knight.

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-But isn't that rather more knights than we're used to?

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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It's a problem, it's not a real chess situation.

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-It's if you had...

-Because they move, because of the way they move,

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diagonal and up one, they move to the alternate colour.

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-Yes.

-So if you've got all the knights on the same colour, they cannot take...

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-Exactly right, I mean that's how...

-Oh, I get it.

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In the centre of the board, you're controlling eight different squares there.

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They're all a different colour, the knights are on a black square.

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So all you have to do is put them all on a black or a white square.

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When you move your knight, do you make a horsey noise?

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HE WHINNIES

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Do you? That's so sweet.

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HE SNORTS AND SPUTTERS

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And when you move your rook.

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SHE CAWS

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When I do the bishop...

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HE IMITATES PLAINSONG

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-When you do your queen, "Hello."

-"Hello."

-"Hello."

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That's your bishop.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Oh, you're going to get in such trouble.

-No!

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You're going to get in trouble from both sides.

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I've been going, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you."

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You're getting into trouble from both sides, Richard.

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If the Bishop of Peterborough is watching this evening,

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you'll have my resignation on your desk in the morning, by the way.

0:14:250:14:28

Isn't there a version of chess for kind of chess-heads

0:14:280:14:33

called fairy chess, where the pieces do more things?

0:14:330:14:36

-What a wonderful...

-I'm not making this up, I'm sure this is true.

-Fairy chess.

0:14:360:14:39

That there's versions of chess where you can call these fairy pieces

0:14:390:14:42

-and they can do extra things.

-How many drugs did you take

0:14:420:14:45

when you were hanging out with Jimmy Somerville?

0:14:450:14:47

So you can just go, you're playing chess and suddenly you go,

0:14:470:14:49

"No, we're playing fairy chess now."

0:14:490:14:51

-SHE SINGS:

-# La, la, la, la, la... #

0:14:510:14:53

Check mate.

0:14:530:14:55

-Yeah.

-Yeah, well, I don't have to touch the pieces.

0:14:550:14:57

-Yeah.

-Oh, I see.

0:14:570:14:59

-The whole point of chess is its limitations.

-Yeah.

-Yes. Precisely.

0:14:590:15:02

It's all about the strictness in which you have to operate.

0:15:020:15:04

But you know, but hang on, Mrs Poker Player Victoria Coren Mitchell,

0:15:040:15:07

aren't there versions of poker where they kind of introduce

0:15:070:15:10

wild cards and stuff to kind of get it...? It's the same sort of thing.

0:15:100:15:13

Yeah, poker's different. As Martin Amis once said,

0:15:130:15:15

"In chess, the properties of a bishop are fixed.

0:15:150:15:17

"In poker, it's all wobbled through the prism of personality."

0:15:170:15:20

-Very good.

-You'd have obviously to check...

-Beautiful quote.

-Beautifully put.

0:15:200:15:23

But do you know when he said that, Stephen?

0:15:230:15:25

It was after a poker game that you and I and he all played.

0:15:250:15:28

-Yes, I remember, in Wales.

-Many years ago.

-With the then-unknown Ricky Gervais.

0:15:280:15:31

Ricky Gervais was knocked out, got up and said,

0:15:310:15:33

"What am I supposed to do now?"

0:15:330:15:35

And you said, "There's a shotgun in the drawer."

0:15:350:15:37

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:15:370:15:39

Oh, God.

0:15:460:15:47

That would be a very good, very good title for a book.

0:15:470:15:50

So, now, name a place where a knight can be buried.

0:15:500:15:54

The ground.

0:15:540:15:56

KLAXON

0:15:560:15:58

Amazingly not.

0:15:580:15:59

APPLAUSE

0:15:590:16:01

You must be astonished to know that isn't true.

0:16:030:16:05

Do they have to be buried above the ground?

0:16:050:16:07

No, I'm saying that they can be buried,

0:16:070:16:08

but where can they be buried?

0:16:080:16:10

In a...tomb?

0:16:100:16:13

-A vault?

-A hole.

0:16:130:16:15

LAUGHTER

0:16:150:16:17

-A pyramid.

-A pyramid.

0:16:170:16:19

The fact is, is the moment you are dead, you are no longer a knight.

0:16:190:16:23

-You're not a knight any more!

-Oh, of course!

-Right.

0:16:230:16:25

Cos everyone was shouting about how Jimmy Savile should

0:16:250:16:28

have his knighthood taken away. But they'd have had to give it back to him in order to take it away.

0:16:280:16:32

You're no longer a member of the Order the moment you die.

0:16:320:16:34

So the moment you die, you're not a knight. So you can't bury a knight anywhere.

0:16:340:16:38

Unless you're very mean and bury them alive, I suppose.

0:16:380:16:40

I'm sorry to go on about it, but if you're a clergyman,

0:16:400:16:43

and you're knighted, you can't call yourself Sir.

0:16:430:16:46

-Whoa!

-Unless you are knighted before you're ordained,

0:16:460:16:50

and then you can be the Reverend Sir or Lady.

0:16:500:16:52

-What a swiz!

-It's this thing about, cos it's a chivalric order, you can't be...

0:16:520:16:56

It's military, isn't it, if you're a knight.

0:16:560:16:58

Exactly, so you can't be that if you're a vicar. You can't bear arms.

0:16:580:17:01

You can bare legs though, can't you? Yes. Ha-ha!

0:17:010:17:04

LAUGHTER

0:17:040:17:06

So, there are no dead knights, only dead former knights.

0:17:060:17:10

Now to some knaves.

0:17:100:17:12

What's the best way to stop your car from being stolen?

0:17:120:17:15

Never park it, just drive it around and around.

0:17:150:17:19

Keep driving round and around and around. Yeah.

0:17:190:17:21

What you've cunningly done is avoid the obvious trap of saying

0:17:210:17:24

"have a car alarm", because it seems that car alarms are worse than useless.

0:17:240:17:27

In fact, we know that instinctively, don't we.

0:17:270:17:29

-Yeah, because you ignore them.

-You ignore them. Exactly.

-Yeah.

0:17:290:17:32

In fact, not only that, 1% of people, when asked,

0:17:320:17:35

said that they would actually call the police if they heard a car alarm,

0:17:350:17:38

and 60% said they would call up to complain about it.

0:17:380:17:40

So you would actually make a phone call, but not to say that someone's

0:17:400:17:43

car was being stolen, but just to say what a bloody nuisance it was.

0:17:430:17:46

-So if that's the worst thing to do, what's the best thing to do?

-Put in an old-fashioned lock.

0:17:460:17:50

-Or have a rubbish car.

-Or have a terrible car.

-I've got a terrible car.

0:17:500:17:53

-Have you?

-With loads of graffiti on it. Someone drew a penis on the front bonnet.

0:17:530:17:58

A friend of mine who's married to a vicar, she came out one morning

0:17:580:18:01

and found someone had written "Monk Whore" on the back of her car.

0:18:010:18:05

LAUGHTER

0:18:050:18:08

Extraordinary! Monk whore.

0:18:080:18:11

-Monk whore.

-And now on BBC 1, Monk Whore.

0:18:110:18:13

LAUGHTER

0:18:130:18:15

-Robson Green...

-Is Monk Whore.

0:18:150:18:18

But did you know that actually car thieving

0:18:180:18:21

is almost never a female occupation?

0:18:210:18:23

-That's like a challenge.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:18:230:18:26

Tonight, the pair of us.

0:18:260:18:27

There's, I'm sure you know who that is, but...

0:18:270:18:30

That's Bonnie.

0:18:300:18:31

Bonnie as in Bonnie and Clyde, yes.

0:18:310:18:33

But apparently, the confraternity of car thieves don't think women

0:18:330:18:36

should be allowed, so if a woman steals a car,

0:18:360:18:39

they can't sell it on, cos they go, "Oh, I'm not having that.

0:18:390:18:41

"I'm not having it off you, you don't know what it's about."

0:18:410:18:44

So what you're saying is there's very little to divide between car thieves and car salesmen.

0:18:440:18:48

-Yes.

-Of a similar view.

-It's a sexist bastion.

0:18:480:18:51

I saw this brilliant documentary about crime

0:18:510:18:53

and they interviewed these two young car criminals who were in jail,

0:18:530:18:56

and they talked about what pride they took in their work,

0:18:560:18:59

and one of them turned to the camera and said,

0:18:590:19:00

"Some car criminals, unfortunately, give the rest of us a bad name."

0:19:000:19:04

Fantastic. A bit of pride in his work.

0:19:040:19:07

Now, explain the effect of Stockholm Syndrome.

0:19:070:19:10

-Oh.

-Wasn't that when you identify...

0:19:100:19:13

LAUGHTER

0:19:130:19:14

Oh. But you identify, if you're a victim of kidnap,

0:19:140:19:19

you identify with your kidnappers

0:19:190:19:21

-and you sort of become weird friends.

-Yeah.

-Is that right?

0:19:210:19:23

I mean, that is what they say.

0:19:230:19:25

From the Patty Hearst kidnap, is where it started?

0:19:250:19:27

Well, no, because she was nothing to do with Stockholm.

0:19:270:19:30

There was a '73 kidnapping in Stockholm, where,

0:19:300:19:33

after which it was named, that's the Stockholm four.

0:19:330:19:37

And they defended the robbers after the event and so on, so...

0:19:370:19:40

-Cos they'd become so inured to the system of...

-That's right.

-Yeah.

0:19:400:19:43

And the most famous one, as you rightly say,

0:19:430:19:45

was the heiress of William Randolph Hearst, Patty Hearst,

0:19:450:19:47

who was kidnapped by a strange group

0:19:470:19:49

called the Symbionese Liberation Army.

0:19:490:19:52

Unusually for a clergyman of the Church of England,

0:19:520:19:55

I've had dinner with Patty Hearst.

0:19:550:19:57

-You haven't!

-I have.

-How was she? Is she back to normal?

0:19:570:19:59

Charming, completely charming, I didn't know who she was until someone said who she was.

0:19:590:20:03

By the time they had coffee, she wanted to be a vicar.

0:20:030:20:05

LAUGHTER

0:20:050:20:07

She had sort of become a kind of Bohemian socialite in Los Angeles,

0:20:070:20:10

in the 1980s, when I used to go there

0:20:100:20:12

in a previous incarnation, and I met her...

0:20:120:20:14

And when you were a rock star, a rock god.

0:20:140:20:17

-Oh, you!

-Yeah.

0:20:170:20:19

And I met her there. It was those sort of dinners that you would go to

0:20:190:20:22

where everyone would be weirdly famous

0:20:220:20:24

and have no other reason to be there at all,

0:20:240:20:26

so you'd have Patty Hearst and, I don't know...

0:20:260:20:28

-Nancy Reagan.

-Andy Warhol and Eddie the Eagle, you know.

0:20:280:20:32

Oh, that's a dinner you'd want to go to.

0:20:320:20:34

Definitely. Definitely.

0:20:340:20:36

But the fact is, it seems to be an aberration, it's very rare.

0:20:360:20:39

Most people when they're kidnapped, have nothing

0:20:390:20:41

but feelings of complete hostility

0:20:410:20:43

towards their captors. As you would expect.

0:20:430:20:45

I would feel, as a clergyman, sort of bound to sort of...

0:20:450:20:48

Are you a clergyman?

0:20:480:20:50

-I would sort of feel obliged to kind of be nice to them.

-Oh, you would.

0:20:500:20:52

And establish some rapport of some kind.

0:20:520:20:54

-"I do understand your point of view."

-Exactly, yes. "I think your case is good in parts."

0:20:540:20:58

-It would be like that.

-Yes, exactly.

0:20:580:21:01

So there was a famous figure in history,

0:21:010:21:03

one of the most famous in history, who did certainly not have

0:21:030:21:06

Stockholm Syndrome, who was kidnapped by pirates.

0:21:060:21:09

-And...

-Pirates in history, kidnapped...

-Johnny Depp.

0:21:090:21:11

No. This is a great figure in history.

0:21:110:21:15

-Kidnapped by pirates?

-Who was kidnapped by pirates,

0:21:150:21:17

was held hostage and the ransom was paid.

0:21:170:21:19

-Give us some clues.

-What sort of era?

0:21:190:21:21

He then pursued them with a small fleet, or a number of boats, a flotilla.

0:21:210:21:25

-Francis Drake.

-Drake?

-No, and...

-Cook?

-Raleigh, Cook?

-Nelson.

0:21:250:21:28

Had them all crucified.

0:21:280:21:29

-Oh.

-A Roman.

-Oh, it was Julius Caesar.

-Julius Caesar is the right answer.

0:21:290:21:33

-Julius Caesar.

-Yeah. And the thing is, he had told them while he was held hostage,

0:21:330:21:36

"When I get out of here, I will come back and I will crucify you."

0:21:360:21:39

And they apparently thought it was a joke.

0:21:390:21:41

Joke's on you.

0:21:410:21:43

-Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

-Who's laughing now?

0:21:430:21:45

Yeah. They didn't know their Caesar. Exactly.

0:21:450:21:48

-So, one tough cookie.

-How do you crucify someone if they've got hooks for hands?

0:21:480:21:52

It's very, very difficult.

0:21:520:21:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:530:21:57

Do they hang them up?

0:21:570:21:59

-They have magnets, massive magnets.

-Magnets. Magnets.

0:22:010:22:03

They have got one wooden leg, though, haven't they, so that's not so difficult.

0:22:030:22:07

Why? Why was Julius Caesar kidnapped by pirates?

0:22:070:22:09

-Under what circumstances?

-It was a ransom, simply, it was a business...

0:22:090:22:13

But they didn't kill him, it sounds like he was harsh.

0:22:130:22:15

He went after them and had them crucified.

0:22:150:22:17

He was not a man to be trifled with. Julie.

0:22:170:22:19

-Well, especially if you call him Julie, I imagine.

-Yeah, no, he didn't like that.

0:22:190:22:23

The worst thing you can do to Julius Caesar, call him Julie.

0:22:230:22:26

Is call him Jules. There is a suggestion that Stockholm syndrome could be

0:22:260:22:30

a sort of psychological thing, in the same way that women

0:22:300:22:33

throughout history have had to put up with being taken and seized

0:22:330:22:36

and that the human being is conditioned to make the best of a bad job.

0:22:360:22:39

-Well, we've all been there.

-But that's just a relationship, Stephen.

0:22:390:22:43

-Oh yes, that's right.

-But it is sort of logical, if you thought you were being kidnapped long-term,

0:22:430:22:47

-it makes sense to try and see it from the other person's point of view.

-Yes, it does.

0:22:470:22:50

-Just to maintain sanity, apart from anything.

-In fact, to get the syndrome to work on them,

0:22:500:22:54

rather than you, for them to be so fond of you, they would no longer want to kill you.

0:22:540:22:58

Which would be handy.

0:22:580:22:59

Now, what's a good reason for faking your own kidnapping?

0:22:590:23:02

Oh, I mean...

0:23:020:23:05

If you're bored on holiday?

0:23:050:23:07

-That would do it.

-You're trying to get out of a relationship,

0:23:070:23:10

that's why I always do it.

0:23:100:23:12

There was an American man who pretended to be kidnapped

0:23:120:23:15

just so that he had an excuse as to why he hadn't

0:23:150:23:18

called his girlfriend for two weeks.

0:23:180:23:20

LAUGHTER

0:23:200:23:22

He was terrified of her reaction.

0:23:220:23:24

And the police realised it because he had duct tape

0:23:240:23:27

round his wrists, but the reel, the spool of it was still connected.

0:23:270:23:31

You can't tear it with your teeth, it's so fibrous.

0:23:310:23:33

I could imagine the girlfriend saying, "You could still have texted."

0:23:330:23:37

Yes, exactly. Exactly, he could have done.

0:23:370:23:39

There was Jennifer Wilbanks of Duluth,

0:23:390:23:42

who faked a kidnapping to get out of attending her own wedding.

0:23:420:23:45

Yeah, I've been there.

0:23:450:23:47

But weirdest of all, there was a 2008 case of another Spaniard,

0:23:470:23:50

Josefa Sanchez Vargas, who convinced

0:23:500:23:53

her husband to pay more than half a million pounds to secure the release

0:23:530:23:56

of their children. It was a faked kidnapping, which you'd say,

0:23:560:24:00

"Well, that's, we expect that," except she did that six times over five years.

0:24:000:24:04

He didn't twig.

0:24:040:24:06

-That's quite a nest egg, isn't it?

-Every time she needed a new hat.

0:24:060:24:09

Some people get kidnapped just for the thrill of it.

0:24:090:24:12

-Can you imagine why that would be?

-So they pay for kidnappers to kidnap them

0:24:120:24:15

so they can experience the visceral thrill of, you know,

0:24:150:24:17

being in a car boot with a load of duct tape round your ankles.

0:24:170:24:20

-Absolutely that.

-People are weird.

-I know.

0:24:200:24:23

Anyway, yes, there's a French company that,

0:24:230:24:25

for 900 Euros, gives you your basic kidnapping.

0:24:250:24:28

Which is being shoved into a car boot and held down and blindfolded.

0:24:280:24:31

And then, for a little extra money, you can have helicopter chases

0:24:310:24:34

and really quite sort of sexy stuff.

0:24:340:24:36

-And then, they'll cut your ear off and send it to your mum.

-Yes.

0:24:360:24:40

So now it's time for me to hold you all hostage.

0:24:400:24:43

There's no escape from General Ignorance.

0:24:430:24:45

Fingers on the buzzers please.

0:24:450:24:47

How long should you wait before reporting a missing person to the police?

0:24:470:24:51

PLAINSONG PLAYS

0:24:510:24:52

-Yes, Sue?

-Well, certainly until they're missing.

0:24:520:24:54

LAUGHTER

0:24:540:24:56

-Very good.

-Until they're out of sight.

-Yeah.

-Yes, that's...

0:24:560:24:59

-Just when they've left the road.

-Yes, when they've turned the corner.

-Yes.

-When is it too soon?

0:24:590:25:03

Just going to make a cup of tea. Right, I'm ringing.

0:25:030:25:06

24 hours?

0:25:060:25:08

KLAXON

0:25:080:25:09

Ah, no.

0:25:090:25:10

-You shouldn't wait at all, if you're convinced someone's missing.

-Absolutely right.

0:25:120:25:16

If you take your child into a supermarket, it would be 20 minutes, wouldn't it?

0:25:160:25:19

-You know that they're gone.

-20 seconds.

-20 seconds. You just check they're not there.

0:25:190:25:23

I'm going to wait 24 hours.

0:25:230:25:25

Go home to my wife, "Well, I don't know where she is."

0:25:250:25:28

LAUGHTER

0:25:280:25:29

-"But I'm going to wait till tomorrow."

-Yes.

0:25:290:25:32

"We might as well go out, because we don't have to get a baby-sitter."

0:25:320:25:35

LAUGHTER

0:25:350:25:38

"Let's go and have a curry and some wine and phone her in the morning."

0:25:380:25:41

You're absolutely right. Then of course if it's an adult, it doesn't matter,

0:25:410:25:45

cos the police are very likely just to say, "That's not our business."

0:25:450:25:48

Unless they have a particular problem.

0:25:480:25:50

But the fact is, yeah, there is no set time.

0:25:500:25:52

The police use their own skill and judgement, as it were.

0:25:520:25:55

-If it's a child, there's obviously...

-Oh, well.

0:25:550:25:57

ALAN LAUGHS

0:25:570:25:59

-I don't know why that's...

-That's a message.

0:25:590:26:01

That's three words you don't hear in the same sentence, isn't it?

0:26:010:26:04

Yeah, you just hope you're not burgled soon, Alan.

0:26:040:26:07

Oh, I was burgled so many times in the '90s that one time

0:26:070:26:10

they came round, it was like the fifth time I'd been burgled,

0:26:100:26:13

they came round and my cat came in, and this constable goes,

0:26:130:26:15

"If only he could talk."

0:26:150:26:17

LAUGHTER

0:26:170:26:20

That's fantastic. Oh, that's brilliant.

0:26:200:26:23

Is that how we're going to, is that it then?

0:26:230:26:25

Is that the extent of the investigation?

0:26:250:26:28

Willing the animal to give evidence.

0:26:280:26:30

Now, what did Parliament pay for to put in Sir Peter Viggers' garden?

0:26:300:26:34

PLAINSONG PLAYS

0:26:340:26:36

Yes?

0:26:360:26:37

The notorious duck house.

0:26:370:26:38

KLAXON

0:26:380:26:40

Ah. You're in the duck house there.

0:26:400:26:42

The fact is, the duck house was one of the ones that they turned down.

0:26:420:26:45

-Oh.

-Yeah, he put in claims for £32,000 for gardening.

0:26:450:26:50

£500 for 28 tonnes of manure.

0:26:500:26:53

£1,645 for the duck island, but that was turned down

0:26:530:26:57

by the eagle-eyed guardians of the national purse.

0:26:570:27:01

It's probably worth mentioning that at the same time as that

0:27:010:27:04

eight billion pounds was spent bailing out the banks,

0:27:040:27:06

it was just that was too big a sum for anyone to get their heads around,

0:27:060:27:09

so they went, "What? Ten pounds for a sandwich?!"

0:27:090:27:12

-I know.

-This is appalling.

-It is, it's fascinating, isn't it?

0:27:120:27:14

Sir Peter Viggers later commented that the duck house was,

0:27:140:27:17

"Never liked by the ducks..."

0:27:170:27:18

LAUGHTER

0:27:180:27:20

"..and is now in storage."

0:27:200:27:21

Ah, look, there they are. They don't need an island.

0:27:210:27:23

-(I love ducks, don't you?)

-Hmm.

0:27:230:27:25

You never see that sort of thing on a coat of arms, do you?

0:27:250:27:28

All the sort of lions and dragons, you never see something nice like a duck.

0:27:280:27:31

-A duck.

-Or a, you know, Eggs Benedict, or some sort of friendly,

0:27:310:27:35

-like a friendly thing.

-Yes, like a hamster or guinea pig or something.

-Yeah.

0:27:350:27:39

-That's true. A furry bearing.

-Yes.

0:27:390:27:41

Anyway, the famous duck house didn't cost the taxpayer a penny.

0:27:410:27:45

And with that last tilt at our old friend General Ignorance,

0:27:450:27:48

we reach the end of tonight's performance,

0:27:480:27:51

and I can tell you that it is incredibly exciting.

0:27:510:27:54

We have leaders, two leaders, with plus three, Richard and Victoria.

0:27:540:27:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:580:28:00

Wowzer!

0:28:000:28:01

In third place, with minus seven, Alan Davies,

0:28:050:28:09

highly commendable, highly commendable.

0:28:090:28:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:120:28:15

And with a fantastic minus 24 is Sue Perkins.

0:28:150:28:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:180:28:21

Well...

0:28:210:28:22

And it only remains for me to thank my panellists,

0:28:260:28:29

Victoria, Sue, Richard and Alan.

0:28:290:28:31

Thank you and goodnight!

0:28:310:28:33

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0:28:580:29:02

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