L-Animals QI


L-Animals

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, good evening, guten Abend,

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bonsoir and welcome to the QI L series.

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And this is our L series animals show, so let's meet my lovelies.

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-The leonine Ross Noble.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-The larky Sarah Millican.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Lounge lizard, Colin Lane.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And the lesser spotted Alan Davies.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

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And here's what they sound like. Ross goes...

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LION ROARS

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A lion!

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-Sarah goes...

-LARK SINGS

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A lark, or possibly a ring tone.

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And Colin goes...

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HOWLING CRY

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I thought YOU were supposed to have the worst one.

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See if you can guess what that is.

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-That was a human simulator.

-It's an L.

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HOWLING CRY

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-MIMICS IN AUSSIE ACCENT:

-"I never!"

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It's not a Melbourne housewife, no.

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It's a good score at Scrabble for a four-lettered animal.

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-Lynx.

-Yes, it's a lynx. It's a lynx.

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And Alan, your sound is...

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'Stephen! Stephen! Listen to me!

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'I want points!'

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Right.

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Now, I've given each of you a penny in case you're caught short.

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-One of these.

-TOILET FLUSHES

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Yes, because one of our questions tonight,

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as in throughout this series, will be a little bit lavatorial.

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So, if you think that the answer to the question

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concerns the lavatory, you get a chance to spend your penny.

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It's a joker card. All right.

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Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like?

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LYNX BUZZER

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LAUGHTER

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That's amazing.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I was going to say Richard Littlejohn.

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Someone sent me a thing about blue whales, that they are really loud.

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They can make a noise of 180 decibels.

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It's the loudest noise any animal can make. All whales are loud.

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-It's louder than a plane taking off.

-Oh, completely so.

-Or a baby crying, or anything.

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-And it can be heard 500 miles away.

-And further.

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In fact, the deeper it is, the further it sounds,

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and if it's very, very low-pitched...

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MIMICS WHALE SONG

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HE GETS LOUDER

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HE REACHES SCREAMING PITCH

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Somebody feed them!

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It's not even close.

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I don't know what that sounded like. I never want to hear it ever again.

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Your wife is a very lucky woman. Do you know that?

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Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, we don't actually know

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what species it is, because no-one's found it, but people have heard it.

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And it's very unusual

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because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded

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by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths.

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-But how do they know it's lonely?

-Because it's never been answered.

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-Ahhh!

-But maybe it just likes spending time on its own.

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Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie,

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maybe it's like that.

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There's a subtle difference between lonely and alone.

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That's very, very true, I agree.

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Maybe it's just reading books and spending some time...

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Not reading books, I don't think we can go that far.

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MIMICS WHALE SONG

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Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it,

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how do we know that it is a whale?

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It might just be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell.

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HE HOOTS

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"They're coming, they're coming. No, nothing. No.

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"There's a whale over there, I think, but, then..."

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-HE HOOTS

-No, I think...

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-That's the shell.

-That's the shell.

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It's a conch. HE HOOTS

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I didn't think conch when you did that.

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Oh, dear!

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-Are you suggesting that I'm...?

-I'm not suggesting anything.

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Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?!

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LAUGHTER

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The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long.

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Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got.

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LAUGHTER

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-Isn't it great how we are all so keen to be involved?

-Absolutely.

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I'll have a go!

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Hang on a second, if we're all getting involved,

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I'll start here, have it all the way along the front.

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Here, you hold it like that...

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Right, here you go. Right there we go, there we go!

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Heave ho! Heave ho!

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It's going to blow!

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, dear, dear, dear. Well...

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Where has it been heard, this...?

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It's generally believed that it is a blue

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or a fin whale and it's 52 hertz, which is the far higher register.

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We've actually got it, we can hear it.

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DEEP VIBRATING CALL

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That seems very deep to us, but that's actually the highest.

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It sounds like standing outside a nightclub.

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-Deeper ones travel much further.

-HE MIMICS BEATBOX

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This is the Ministry of Sound.

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Yeah.

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What time are you closing? We're trying to sleep.

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Not with that shirt, mate. Members only.

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At home you might not be able to hear that,

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because not all televisions can actually take that amount of bass.

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You probably haven't got a woofer at home, as I have.

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LAUGHTER

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And just on the issue of last creatures, not necessarily...

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Some people believe that rather than being a blue whale

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or a fin whale, it could actually be a whale

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that is a result of two different species of whale mating, a calf.

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A new kind of whale, and that it doesn't have a natural mate,

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because it's a sort of mutated voice.

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Well, the 52-hertz whale has a high-pitched voice and no mates.

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Now, what form of transport might a caterpillar use?

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Do they hitch onto things?

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They do. And I wonder what they hitch onto.

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Furry mammals. Furry mammals carry a lot of stuff about.

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They do, but in this case they use each other.

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-Aw!

-They use a principle which is quite fun.

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The one that's on the bottom layer is going at a certain speed

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and the one above twice the speed,

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and the one above that thrice the speed.

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So all told, the whole group goes faster.

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And we've done a little experiment using stop motion photography.

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Some boot's going to come in in a minute. Splat!

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Awful, isn't it? But if you watch, we've got two yellow pieces there

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and they're both moving one step at a time.

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But you'll see the one on the top layer is going faster

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and the single one can't catch up with it.

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And that's the principle they use -

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that the top layer is going quicker.

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And so that's how caterpillars move at greater speed

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to get to where they need to be.

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-It's like a travelator.

-The travelator.

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Except when people get on the travelator, they slow right down.

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-So annoying.

-It drives me mad. When I get on a travelator,

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-I really make the most of it.

-Me too.

-I accelerate.

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I love the way that the windows and everything just speed past you.

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Oh, it's fabulous.

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-Travelator!

-Yeah.

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-People even on the travelator, they just stop.

-I know!

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-Yes.

-Yeah, but it's doing the moving for you, so you don't have to move.

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That's why we're a nation of morbid... Oh, dear...

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LAUGHTER

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Or if you have small children, they turn around and run the other way.

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-Yes, they will do that.

-And then there's people coming and you're like...

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You have to do quite a lot of loud coughing and harrumphing

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and, "My flight's about to leave," sort of stuff,

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in order to get people to move across.

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It's just politeness to take one side of the travelator.

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Or say, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

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Yes, all right. That's an option too.

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Anyway, moving from larvae on to adult lepidoptera.

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What's a sure-fire way of telling two butterflies apart?

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Different colour wings.

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-ALARM BLARES

-That would be true of those that were different colours.

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But suppose they looked identical?

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-Well, then you can't.

-And were different species or genus.

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-Then you can't. That's it.

-Well, you might be able to.

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-Their breath.

-Their breath!

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Is it the prettier they are, the stinkier their breath?

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Their address.

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Their address, yes. That would do it.

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-Are they the same but different?

-Their names.

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-They're all the same but they're not?

-There are two genera

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of butterfly that look almost identical, and it's a type of evolution called Mullerian.

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There they are. And one of them tastes disgusting to birds,

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and the birds quite quickly learn that.

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-You just lick them?

-Well, the birds did.

-Just get a bird to lick it.

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And so the other one evolved to look as much like the one

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that's disgusting without actually being disgusting.

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Because it doesn't need to develop the disgusting taste,

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because the birds will assume that it IS disgusting.

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And this is a thing that happens in nature.

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-You look identical just to survive.

-How smug must they be?

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-It's very, very good.

-So smug.

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And also, the one on the right there seems to have a tiny roll

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of gaffer tape in its mouth.

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-It does, doesn't it?

-LAUGHTER

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They're not even his real wings. He's made them.

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He's like that...

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Look at that, I'm just like him. Come on.

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You go round the other side of that,

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that's all sticky-back plastic round there.

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But there is an answer to how you would tell the difference, and it's deeply personal.

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-Oh, it's the downstairs, is it?

-You would look at their genitalia.

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And there's a truly great novelist of the 20th century,

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although English was his third language,

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and he was very good at sexing butterflies. Indeed...

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-Sexing?

-Telling their...

-Sexing.

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-..telling their gender, examining their penises.

-Sexing or texting?

-Sexing.

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-Texting.

-No, sexing. There is a collection at Harvard University of these tiny

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little phials filled with penises of butterflies that he collected.

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There he is. He lived in America, hence Harvard, but he was born in Russia

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and then moved to Paris from a rather nobby family.

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And his name was Vladimir Nabokov.

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But you must have heard of his most famous novel.

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Yeah, 50 Shades Of Butterflies.

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Come on.

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-Yeah, it was amazing.

-Don't let us down.

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-Lolita.

-Lolita, thank you, Alan. Yes.

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He wrote Lolita, amongst many other magnificent novels.

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Operation Yewtree are all over him at the moment.

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LAUGHTER

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-"Lolita, light of my loins."

-The Russian Yewtree.

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-And he collects the penises.

-Well, he was a...

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But he's not bothered about the rest of it.

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He was an incredibly enthusiastic lepidopterist.

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And then he lets them go.

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-And he went, in fact, on index cards...

-Without a penis!

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That's a butterfly that's had its penis removed by Vladimir Nabokov.

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I got it, I got it, it was really good, Alan.

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-Was his name...?

-Stick to girls!

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Was his name Knob-off, did you say?

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Vladimir Knob-off.

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Knob-off by name, knob-off by nature. I'll do anything.

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Start with a butterfly, work my way up. Don't care.

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He was, as well as being a great writer,

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one of the finest lepidopterists of his time.

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He used his index cards, on which he wrote his scientific notes about lepidoptera,

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to write the entire novel of Lolita, in fact, his most famous work.

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Did he try and collect all of the lady gardens of the butterflies?

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-LAUGHTER

-That's a very good point.

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I don't know if he exclusively confined himself to the penises of butterflies,

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but I suppose they were the easiest bits to see in such a small insect.

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The wings are easier to see.

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Well, yeah, no. When it comes to sexing, I mean.

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Butterfly pubes, imagine that.

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Imagine a pillow, how soft would that pillow be?

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-Just filled with butterfly pubes.

-Ohhh...

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He gave a very, very...

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LAUGHTER

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That's what... Not many people know this.

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Not many people know this,

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but all of Stephen's suits are lined with butterfly penises.

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That's true.

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By the finest tailors in the land.

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-No, I do have...

-Butterfly tailors, no less.

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That's right. Tiny moths come in.

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Mr Fry, we have collected the butterfly pubes

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of a million butterflies.

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They've been donated willingly.

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They have. More than willingly.

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That's why he looks so comfortable on this show.

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See, look, he's even flapping like a butterfly.

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The power of the pubes are moving through the fine...

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LAUGHTER

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Look at him moving. There it goes again!

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The best way to tell butterflies apart is to look them

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straight in the genitals.

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Can you give me your impression of a puffer fish on the pull?

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LYNX BUZZER

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LAUGHTER

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That's the gift that keeps on giving.

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Oh, you're puffing your face.

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They play down the puffiness, I reckon.

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They do. Well, what they do is play up some whole other skill,

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which is really astonishing, in order to attract a female.

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They turn themselves inside out. Fully inside out.

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I would be impressed by that.

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What, if a bloke came up to you in a nightclub and went,

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"Watch this, love!" Woomf -

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and his lungs and heart and all the rest...

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-I wouldn't hug him, but I'd be impressed.

-Yeah.

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Fish, like birds, as you probably know, the males tend to be more colourful

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-and put on a good show to attract females.

-I did not know that.

-Did you not?

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-I knew it about birds.

-Hmm, beautiful plumage.

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Has he just had a Slush Puppy?

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LAUGHTER

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A blue Slush Puppy. What he does...

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It was in such a big glass, he went like that, it's gone on his eyes.

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-Gone on his eyebrows.

-LAUGHTER

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What they do is actually remarkable.

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If you watch what he does, at first you'll think it's just random,

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but then you'll go, "Oh, my goodness."

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It takes nine days for him to prepare this for the female.

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Is that just farting, what he's doing there?

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-LAUGHTER

-No, that's... He turned, oh.

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-It's extraordinary.

-Aww!

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-He's made this enormous crater with ridges.

-He's made a lair.

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Which are decorated with seashells. And it's there.

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WOMEN: Aaah!

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The ladies are so impressed. Is that what you want, a sand castle?

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No, I think their "aaah" was they were impressed.

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-Nine days' work to attract a female.

-How many days?

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-Nine.

-Hmm...

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LAUGHTER

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A lot of females say that. They go, "No, not good enough." It has to be absolutely perfect.

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And then when it is perfect, the female lays her eggs right in the middle.

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And he then fertilises them and looks after them for six days, just to protect them.

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That's nice, and then she can go back to work.

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Or go to another crater.

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No, the most amazing thing about that is, that's actually on the beach.

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That's not even under the water.

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-That would be...

-It comes out, like that.

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Puts little flags in every ridge as well.

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It's...I won't say entirely unique, because we know

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so little about what goes on in the ocean, but it's one of the few

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we know which is quite so marvellous and distinctive, the puffer fish.

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But nine days is a long time. I mean if you, Sarah...

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-It's not really, though, is it?

-She's worth it.

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I mean, when she comes in, she comes in and just goes,

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"Well, you've done that all wrong.

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"Been waiting six months for you to get that finished and it's wrong.

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"Do it again. I should have got somebody in to do it."

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, the male puffer fish attracts his lady with

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a heart exhibition.

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Now, what do we call a fish that drives a tank?

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Tank fish.

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You might call it tank fish, but when I say "we", I mean WE.

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What do we here at QI Central call a fish that drives a tank?

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Sir.

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ALARM BLARES

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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That was a shock. We read you like a book.

0:16:010:16:04

No, we're going to show you a fish driving a tank.

0:16:040:16:07

-What?

-Yes.

0:16:070:16:09

So if my splendid porters can come on with a little tank tray...

0:16:090:16:14

-The porters, ladies and gentlemen.

-Yeah!

0:16:140:16:16

There we are.

0:16:190:16:22

So, we've got a tank and we've got a fish who's going to drive the tank.

0:16:220:16:27

And there's our fish. He doesn't live here,

0:16:270:16:29

I want you to know, this is just its transport system. And...

0:16:290:16:32

This is, like, the poshest fairground ever.

0:16:320:16:35

Yeah. And if I turn on his little motor here...

0:16:350:16:38

-So this is a fish tank tank.

-And since he moves, he will...

0:16:380:16:42

Give him some food or poke him with a biro.

0:16:420:16:44

Every different direction he goes, he moves the tank.

0:16:440:16:49

And, whoa, there you go.

0:16:500:16:52

Let's move you into the middle here.

0:16:520:16:54

There you are, because you were getting all excited.

0:16:540:16:56

There you are, a few ant's eggs for him,

0:17:000:17:02

or whatever it is we feed him with.

0:17:020:17:04

Butterfly penises.

0:17:040:17:05

-But you obviously want to know...

-LAUGHTER

0:17:050:17:08

I said, what do we call him? His name is Alan.

0:17:090:17:12

LAUGHTER

0:17:120:17:14

He's Alan the QI goldfish, and just to put your minds at rest,

0:17:140:17:17

this is not his tank, he has a beautiful...

0:17:170:17:20

It's MY tank.

0:17:200:17:22

Yeah, exactly. He has a beautiful place where he hangs out, which is

0:17:220:17:25

full of wonderful toys and fronds.

0:17:250:17:27

It's near Watford and he drives there himself every morning.

0:17:270:17:29

Yeah, exactly. And you might like to meet our splendid elf, Alex Bell,

0:17:290:17:34

who built this particular contraption for Alan.

0:17:340:17:37

Come on, Alex.

0:17:370:17:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:380:17:40

-We mustn't...

-Here we have the classic elf.

0:17:440:17:47

Absolutely.

0:17:470:17:49

Educated to within an inch of his life. Smartly turned out.

0:17:490:17:52

So how long did it take you to build this?

0:17:520:17:55

A couple of days. It's made of Lego, completely, so...

0:17:550:17:57

-It's entirely Lego.

-Yeah, it's all Lego.

0:17:570:18:00

Can we race it against caterpillars? LAUGHTER

0:18:000:18:03

And why did you make it?

0:18:030:18:05

-Someone...

-No, it's not rude, just asking.

0:18:050:18:08

There's a Dutch company called Studio Dip,

0:18:080:18:10

and they made a bigger version of this for a fish to live in,

0:18:100:18:13

and we thought we'd have a go at making our own.

0:18:130:18:15

Did you build it over two days to attract girls?

0:18:150:18:17

LAUGHTER

0:18:170:18:19

APPLAUSE

0:18:190:18:21

Sarah, are you impressed?

0:18:250:18:28

It's working for me.

0:18:280:18:30

I think the question that everyone wants to ask is that

0:18:300:18:33

if you were to make a full-size version out of the Pope-mobile...

0:18:330:18:36

LAUGHTER ..and the Pontiff was to swim very hard,

0:18:360:18:40

could he...would that work?

0:18:400:18:41

-Could we do that?

-Yeah, probably.

0:18:410:18:44

Just to put at rest those who are wondering what the

0:18:440:18:46

principle behind it is, it's when he swims forward, what happens exactly?

0:18:460:18:50

There are four sensors, one in each corner,

0:18:500:18:52

so whichever corner he goes to, it goes in that direction.

0:18:520:18:54

-It's that simple, nothing to do with the pressure of the water?

-No.

0:18:540:18:57

Would it be possible to build a giant one,

0:18:570:19:00

put a dolphin in it that could swim up,

0:19:000:19:02

do a somersault and then the whole vehicle could loop the loop?

0:19:020:19:06

-Yes.

-Theoretically, yes.

0:19:060:19:07

Let's do it.

0:19:070:19:09

I shall pay for that out of my own pocket.

0:19:090:19:11

-Are there future uses for this?

-Maybe military, I think...

-Military uses.

0:19:130:19:17

-The British Army is on its uppers.

-Yeah, I think they'll probably be the only ones who'll fund it.

0:19:170:19:22

Well, it's very exciting for him.

0:19:220:19:23

But I'm sure he wants to get back to his huge

0:19:230:19:26

and very luxurious accommodation

0:19:260:19:28

-in the QI offices.

-He lives in a cistern.

-I'll hand him over to you.

0:19:280:19:32

-LAUGHTER

-Thank you, Alan.

0:19:320:19:35

-Thank you, Alan and Alex.

-APPLAUSE

0:19:350:19:37

That was very pleasing.

0:19:390:19:41

-The porters!

-APPLAUSE

0:19:430:19:46

So, anyway, moving on. What has 32 brains and sucks?

0:19:470:19:52

-The front row.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:520:19:56

Is there a creature that has 32 brains?

0:19:580:20:00

Does an octopus have lots of brains in its tentacles?

0:20:000:20:02

Yes, and the genitalia are at the end as well, if you remember.

0:20:020:20:05

-Oh, yes, I do remember.

-Really?

0:20:050:20:08

-On one of them.

-How do you know which one?

0:20:080:20:11

-You'll soon find out.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:110:20:15

Get a few lagers into it. Wey! Wee-e-ey!

0:20:160:20:20

But it's not an octopus.

0:20:200:20:22

It is an animal that is associated with moist conditions, and...

0:20:220:20:25

A slug.

0:20:250:20:27

It looks rather like a slug.

0:20:270:20:29

Here's a thing you can do to test this particular animal.

0:20:290:20:32

They've done it, they've filled a condom with blood

0:20:320:20:35

-and dropped it in the water where these creatures...

-Leech.

-Yes.

0:20:350:20:39

-And they've found...

-People have done that intentionally? Filled a condom with blood?

0:20:390:20:43

-In order to demonstrate how leeches..

-Some intentionally.

0:20:430:20:47

-Others accidentally.

-LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:50

Exactly, exactly.

0:20:500:20:51

Are you all right in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah!

0:20:540:20:58

LAUGHTER

0:20:580:20:59

Don't flush it down the... No!

0:21:020:21:03

That's why it's always...

0:21:050:21:07

LAUGHTER

0:21:070:21:09

That's horrific.

0:21:130:21:15

What it doesn't do is catch a leech,

0:21:150:21:17

because leeches haven't evolved expecting humans to splash

0:21:170:21:20

through the marshes, but they have expected other kinds of animal. And...

0:21:200:21:24

A frog, perhaps?

0:21:240:21:25

A frog is a perfect example.

0:21:250:21:27

If you put the condom in covered in blood,

0:21:270:21:29

leeches will not be attracted to it.

0:21:290:21:31

If you just wipe the condom over a frog,

0:21:310:21:34

and then drop it in, the leeches will go pha-doing!

0:21:340:21:37

-Because they smell frog.

-And the frog will be your friend for life.

0:21:370:21:40

They go, pha-dong, boing! Wheee!

0:21:400:21:44

-Exactly. They hop around.

-Yeah.

0:21:440:21:47

So, the merest whiff of frog will lure a leech to lunch.

0:21:470:21:50

Now, what's the most energetic thing that a sloth ever does?

0:21:500:21:54

Oh, you're spending your penny. And you're right to.

0:21:570:22:00

-Is it?

-Yes. Well done.

0:22:000:22:02

APPLAUSE

0:22:020:22:03

-Going to the lavatory.

-Going to the lavatory.

0:22:070:22:09

They spend all their time in the trees except when they go down

0:22:090:22:12

and use a communal lavatory, which they share.

0:22:120:22:15

And this habit of sharing lavatories has given rise to some pretty

0:22:150:22:19

-unpleasant...

-Oh!

-Somebody's missed the lavatory there.

0:22:190:22:22

Well, I'm afraid it gets...

0:22:220:22:23

-Go and wee on a friend.

-It gets really, really worse.

0:22:230:22:27

It's grim beyond believing, this,

0:22:270:22:29

but at the Estacion Biologica Quebrada Blanco in Peru,

0:22:290:22:34

which is a field research site in the Amazon,

0:22:340:22:37

they observed very odd feeding habits of two-toed sloths.

0:22:370:22:39

They were hanging upside down from the roof of the scientists'

0:22:390:22:42

latrine, and they started to drop down into it

0:22:420:22:46

and scoop up handfuls of human excrement and toilet paper,

0:22:460:22:52

-and they would eat it.

-ALL: Ugh!

0:22:520:22:55

They even plunged into the pit itself, which you can see,

0:22:550:22:58

and emerged covering, after a liquid lunch, in poo.

0:22:580:23:01

The research paper noted, "It was scooping with one hand

0:23:010:23:03

"from the semi-liquid manure, and then eating from the hand.

0:23:030:23:07

"When more persons gathered around the latrine to watch this

0:23:070:23:10

"bizarre behaviour, the sloth emerged from the latrine and climbed into the nearest tree."

0:23:100:23:14

So it didn't like being watched. It might have been slightly ashamed.

0:23:140:23:18

You know when the film Jaws came out and it was really terrifying

0:23:180:23:21

to go to the toilet in case a shark came up and bit your bum...?

0:23:210:23:25

-I don't remember feeling that, to be honest.

-Maybe that was just our house.

0:23:250:23:29

But now we've got to worry about sloths coming up and...

0:23:290:23:32

-Clawing at your arse. Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:23:320:23:34

Well, it wouldn't do that, it would just sit there like that, going...

0:23:340:23:38

LAUGHTER

0:23:380:23:40

Hit me! Hit me! Ah, oh...

0:23:430:23:46

-Oh, God!

-As Supernanny would say, that was unacceptable.

0:23:480:23:52

-Unacceptable, yeah.

-I mean, dear...

0:23:520:23:55

It must be hard for them to be both an animal and a deadly sin.

0:23:550:24:00

-LAUGHTER

-That's true. That's true.

0:24:000:24:03

Because every morning they just go, "Ohhh..."

0:24:030:24:06

Is it the sloth - I might be wrong here, you'll know -

0:24:070:24:10

when they die, they stay in the trees, don't they?

0:24:100:24:14

-Totally.

-How long for?

0:24:140:24:16

-Just for ever.

-For ever?

-Yeah.

-Shut up!

0:24:160:24:19

Honestly, they're like... they'll be like...

0:24:190:24:21

-They'll rot away.

-..a skeleton, like just a...

0:24:210:24:24

They'll be eaten, perhaps, by other things.

0:24:240:24:26

-Yeah, but not the bones, just the outside.

-Yeah.

0:24:260:24:28

That's a hell of a way to find your nana, isn't it?

0:24:280:24:31

That's how we found mine. In the local park.

0:24:310:24:34

"What are you doing? Oh, no. Oh, God."

0:24:340:24:37

She'd only gone on the climbing frame.

0:24:370:24:40

Oh, dear. The only...

0:24:400:24:43

Not really!

0:24:430:24:44

Why...why did people go, "Ohhh"?

0:24:440:24:47

As if my nan genuinely... "Oh, that's terrible."

0:24:470:24:51

We don't know much about what goes on in the north-east, but we hear things.

0:24:510:24:55

LAUGHTER

0:24:550:24:56

-Mainly from you.

-Yes.

0:24:570:25:00

So, the only reason, as Alan knew,

0:25:010:25:04

that sloths ever move out of a tree is to spend a penny.

0:25:040:25:07

But now it's time to wallow for a while in the filthy pile of ordure

0:25:070:25:10

that we call General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.

0:25:100:25:14

Which cat never changes its spots?

0:25:140:25:16

Well, now, see, I sense a trap.

0:25:180:25:20

Do you?

0:25:200:25:22

-LION BUZZER

-Oh, lion.

0:25:220:25:24

Is it the jaguar?

0:25:240:25:26

Good.

0:25:260:25:28

Because if you shave a jaguar it's got that,

0:25:280:25:32

the jaguar pattern on its skin, that's not its fur.

0:25:320:25:36

So therefore, it doesn't matter how many times you shave it,

0:25:360:25:39

the spots remain the same.

0:25:390:25:40

Interesting. It's not the correct answer.

0:25:400:25:43

All right, I'll be off, then.

0:25:430:25:45

We avoided saying the leopard.

0:25:450:25:47

Yes, because that was the trap I sensed.

0:25:470:25:49

You can see a little leopard kitten, with its mother,

0:25:490:25:52

and you can see the leopard kitten really does have quite tight spots, very close together,

0:25:520:25:57

and the mother has what are called rosettes, which are very different.

0:25:570:26:00

The animal actually is a lion

0:26:000:26:01

and the spots are where its whiskers sprout from.

0:26:010:26:04

And you can see those little lines of dots there.

0:26:040:26:06

-Oh. Like it's been sniffing glue, like that.

-They never change.

0:26:060:26:09

They never ever change, so they're like fingerprints - you can

0:26:090:26:12

identify a particular lion just by the array of its spots.

0:26:120:26:15

You'd have to get very close to it, though.

0:26:150:26:16

-And you wouldn't necessarily want to do that.

-No.

-No, exactly.

0:26:160:26:19

So, it's lions not leopards that never change their spots.

0:26:190:26:22

Which is the biggest of the big cats, though?

0:26:220:26:25

-LION BUZZER

-Yes, lion in first.

0:26:250:26:27

Is it the jaguar?

0:26:270:26:29

-LAUGHTER

-No. Not even the V12. No, I'm afraid not.

0:26:290:26:33

Any other thoughts?

0:26:330:26:35

Well, the lion?

0:26:350:26:37

ALARM BLARES

0:26:370:26:39

-The leopard? No.

-Panther?

0:26:390:26:41

-The tiger, is it the tiger?

-You're both half right.

0:26:410:26:43

The cougar.

0:26:430:26:45

-The liger?

-It is the liger, and the liger is composed of what?

0:26:450:26:49

-A lion and a tiger.

-But which gender round?

0:26:490:26:51

The front half is a tiger. LAUGHTER

0:26:510:26:54

The back half, it's like a dodgy safari salesman.

0:26:540:26:57

-"Tell you what, mate, that's lovely, that's a lion, that is."

-Cut and shove.

0:26:570:27:00

-A male tiger and a female lion.

-Yes.

0:27:000:27:02

In both cases they put the male first,

0:27:020:27:04

so if it's a liger, it's a lion male and a tiger female.

0:27:040:27:07

And if it's a tigon, then it's a male tiger and a female.

0:27:070:27:11

-The best one is the ziraffe. Yeah.

-Well...

0:27:110:27:14

It's just got a zebra body and then a giraffe neck,

0:27:140:27:17

and it's always falling forward.

0:27:170:27:19

LAUGHTER

0:27:190:27:21

Anyway, the biggest of the big cats are ligers.

0:27:220:27:25

That brings me to the scores.

0:27:250:27:27

In last place, I'm afraid,

0:27:270:27:30

he's come thousands of miles to be minus 20, it's Colin Lane.

0:27:300:27:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:350:27:37

In third place, twice as good a score,

0:27:410:27:44

but still minus 10, Sarah Millican.

0:27:440:27:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:460:27:48

And minus 5, Alan Davies!

0:27:500:27:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:530:27:55

Which means that our winner on a staggering plus 6 is Ross Noble!

0:27:580:28:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:03

So, it's good night from Sarah, Ross, Colin, Alan and me.

0:28:080:28:11

And I leave you with the last words of Noel Coward, of all people,

0:28:110:28:15

and how sad they are - "Good night, my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow."

0:28:150:28:18

Good night.

0:28:180:28:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:200:28:21

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