VG: Part Two QI

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey!

Hello and welcome to QI.

About a third of the total used by British fertility clinics

-is Viking sperm.

-Wow.

-Really?

Why have they got so much?

Is it because it's dark like 20 hours out of 24?

It doesn't get dark in Denmark like that.

How do you cope with having one and a half hours of daylight?

-It doesn't happen.

-It doesn't happen!

Denmark's the same as Scotland, where you come from.

LAUGHTER

Oh, applauding that.

It's up in the Arctic Circle, like way, way further.

A Danish winter is about one and a half hours daylight.

No, darling, no.

You keep saying the same thing.

-It's true.

-It's wrong.

-It's not, it's true.

-An hour and a half...

-So... No darling...

I've been there. An hour-and-a-half.

LAUGHTER

Here's the thing, if that's not true and the more you say it,

the more points are going to make it not true for you.

All right, when I went to Denmark, right...

-Was it night-time?

-It was winter.

-INAUDIBLE

-It was always night-time.

LAUGHTER

You've come home late, you've slept through the day -

I did it as a teenager - and you wake up at five in the afternoon and

-you don't see the daylight. You're like a ghost.

-But for all...

It was dark for 20-odd hours per day in winter.

But your inability to distinguish the Scandinavian countries means

it's possible you were in Norway.

That is possible.

It is possible I was in one of the other countries.

But is it not true? It was about an hour and a half...

Stop saying it!

LAUGHTER

Puritan couples could have a conversation and they would talk

through a tube and, in fact,

those were then used as the very first commercial hearing aids,

about 1800.

So, have a look at that. These ones are actually...

This will work, will it?

-If you speak...

-Oh, Jesus.

LAUGHTER

What's wrong with you?

Speak in it to yourself and then you can hear most clearly.

I can just do that.

Hello, Ross. Hello.

-Hello.

-I can hear you.

-Germany calling.

The one in the picture, we actually have here.

-Oh, that's the one in the picture?

-The one in the picture.

I can't look quite as cheerful.

I can hear the sea.

Is that what you're supposed to...?

LAUGHTER

You know how people worry about what earrings to wear?

Those, I think, are working. They're working for you.

You look like Mickey Mouse and Prince Charles had a child.

LAUGHTER

You put that bit in your ear, you wombat.

Hello.

I wonder will this like amplify it between that and the...

Oh, no way.

Just to get on the show again, you must be joking.

How do you get urine off a nun?

I don't think that nuns pee at all.

Oh.

I know a lot about nuns.

-Do you? Why's that?

-Because I was educated by them and it was

in a boarding school, so I actually lived with them.

Right. And they never weed?

Never. I never saw one of them enter or leave a bathroom.

The thing is, they've got those very long frocks on, haven't they?

Very long frocks and they might have some sort of divine catheter or

something, but they don't...

LAUGHTER

But you don't see them coming out of the bathroom.

The divine catheter are a great group, aren't they?

Everybody at home playing QI bingo, that's "Divine Catheter".

In the 18th century, women who wore the long frocks used to have

the equivalent of a gravy boat on a sort of ribbon for long church services.

They actually had one of those things we were all just imagining in our heads?

-Yes, they did. They actually did.

-A gravy boat on a ribbon.

Yep.

Is this urine in the picture, or is it just something...?

The gravy boat's fallen off.

LAUGHTER

Help me!

That's "The gravy boat's fallen off."

Is it necessary to get urine off nuns?

It was necessary. It was the 1960s.

Oh, it was a condiment, wasn't it, nun wee?

A condiment?

LAUGHTER

Have you got a slightly bigger bottle of nun wee?

Curiously, these never events do occur.

I was hosting the British Funeral Director's Awards recently.

We've got to get you a new agent, dude.

It was quite quiet initially.

LAUGHTER

I hope you opened with that.

It took place at the end of the day. They'd had their trade show in the

venue and so around the edges the room there were coffins, caskets,

people looking not unlike this fellow, sort of sitting up in them.

Were you picking a new home?

AUDIENCE GROANS

No, sorry. Because he's old and he'll be dead soon.

-I'm sorry if I've...

-LAUGHTER

Can I tell you something, Jimmy?

This is.... I don't think you realise how this is getting to me,

because this morning, this very morning,

I received a letter through the post inviting me to be the new face of

the Stannah stairlift.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Take it!

And... The worst thing about this...

Grin and bank it, Giles.

The worst thing about this is, my wife said,

"I think we should consider this."

Then, this is a true story, this is a true story,

I then phoned them up and I said,

have you thought of Nigel Havers?

It turned out they had. I was about 17th on the list.

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid this is not the first invitation of its kind I've received

because I also... this is maybe how they got hold of my name.

I was considered for being the new figure stretched out on the floor

reaching for the alarm.

"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."

Yep, that one. But June Whitfield has got that gig at the moment.

Jerry, now, this time that we're talking about, the Battle of Normandy,

you were in the UK.

Yes, I'd been born six months earlier, yeah.

-And where were you?

-I was actually born in Highgate, in a Tube station.

-During an air raid?

-Not during an air raid, but you didn't know.

-Your mother just missed her train and...

-Yes. Yes.

Women in the ninth month would often spend nights in the subway,

because those were the bomb shelters.

Have you been back to the station?

Yeah, and there's not even a plaque there.

LAUGHTER

You need to have been conceived to have a plaque there.

When you were Mayor of Cincinnati... 1977, is that right?

'77, '78, yeah.

-Oh, my God.

-What are you doing in that picture?

Well, you know, when you're Mayor

you get a lot of ceremonial things to do, so it probably was some...

Oh, I know! That's when I got circumcised.

LAUGHTER

That's when everybody got circumcised.

Is it true about Cincinnati that there is a full abandoned subway system

that was never used that's underneath the city?

Yeah, they ran out of money, actually, and so it was never completed,

-but, yes, there is.

-So, are there stations and...?

-Yeah.

-Why did they not do it...?

It was before my time.

If I were Mayor, we would have finished that subway.

Quite right indeed.

APPLAUSE

You think women did duelling, or just a boy's thing?

Oh, if you've been to the big market in Newcastle on a Saturday night...

I hope that women did do duelling as well.

Yeah, they did, it was called petticoat duels.

And possibly the most famous...

That's kind of snatch and grab.

I never thought of hiding a pistol there!

So, the most famous one, 1892 in Austria, it was a topless duel...

Oh, that's brilliant.

Channel 5, where are you?

LAUGHTER

..between Princess Metternich and Countess Kielmannsegg

and what I love about it,

it's said to have been caused

by a disagreement over a flower arrangement.

Any excuse, that sounds like.

Yeah, well I don't like the flowers, so get your top off.

I'll "duel" you.

Apparently both women were worried that if they were wounded and

some fabric into the wound, it would get infected.

It's the very first emancipated duel in that every single person who took

part - all the seconds, the two duellers and, indeed, the medic -

were all women. It's hard to say who won.

The Princess, she was injured first on the nose,

so the Countess got first blood, as it were,

but she was then injured on the arm, which is a better wound.

So, there's points for where you cut the person, then?

Yeah, who does better.

As long as you come out with both your nipples,

I'm sure you'll be all right.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

Milk everywhere.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Boobs aren't full of milk. That's not why we have...

Do you suppose that there's milk all the time?

So, we've got a baby in the house, there's milk everywhere.

LAUGHTER

Boobs are sometimes full of milk.

Possibly not those four.

Perhaps they weren't at the time of the duel.

Stop it!

Stop it!

You are perforated.

I often wonder how we get to where we do.

Now, I've been practising this and I can do it about one in three.

So, you've all got an opportunity to give this a go.

There we go. That was pretty cool.

APPLAUSE

OK. So, it is just a length of chain and then you place the ring

up in like this.

If you hold it with your thumb and then hold it with one of your

fingers and what you need to do,

you just let the finger go and not the thumb.

-Just try and let the...

-Oh, yes.

Yeah, Ross has got it.

-Just a few more goes.

-All right, you're determined.

Put the chain... OK.

Don't make me get up and show you.

So, make your hand wide like this,

OK, and then hook your thumb like this,

but then hook the chain,

just hold that like that and only let your finger go.

LAUGHTER

I feel like a teaching assistant.

Where can you get one of those this time of day?

Oh, yes.

CHEERING

What's the worst thing you can do on a bed of nails?

Fall from a great height.

I would say so.

I'd say an orgy.

LAUGHTER

I think that getting nailed on some nails would be a terrible thing.

Well, here's the thing.

So, I think you could have an orgy if you were fantastically careful

about how you got on and off.

Are we talking about the nails or the people?

It's about the even distribution of weight across the nails.

-I did do this.

-Did you?

-I went on a bed of nails with a contortionist.

What a night that was.

I filmed it.

And he showed me how to lie and it's all right if you're lying down,

but he said be very careful,

because your instinct when you get up is to put your weight on your hands

and then that really hurts a lot.

When I was at school, one afternoon, for some reason,

some circus skills people came round

and tried to teach us all circus skills.

I love the heavy note of disapproval in your voice.

Absolute waste of bloody time!

I was seven.

You can learn circus skills later, what I needed was maths.

They came round and tried to teach us how to juggle,

we couldn't juggle, tried to put clown make up on,

some of us had an allergic reaction, you know...

One of the things was a bed of nails and they taught us how to lie on

a bed of nails and the way you lie on a bed of nails is you just lie

on it and it's fine.

When I was at boarding school, at the beginning of every year,

you had to put your skirt on

and then you had to kneel in front of matron

and the top of your hem had to touch the floor and if it didn't,

-you had to go and get a new skirt.

-Or a bigger pen.

-Bigger pen?

-Just get the bigger pen

and then you can have a shorter skirt.

Bigger pen, you see, so it reached...

I'm pretty sure it was "hem", Lee.

-It was hem.

-Oh, I thought you said "pen".

-No, hem.

-I wondered why everyone was looking at me, going, what's he

-talking about?

-I love that Lee has such confidence that he can say

there's no way that joke didn't work.

Yeah. There must be a technical error on that, because this is gold,

this stuff.

Oh, a hem!

I was once in a gymnasium and I was on the leg extension...

Honestly, no.

Right, there's a thing, right, and you put your feet on it like that.

Please don't fart now.

Clear the studio.

You put your feet on it and you push with your legs

and as I started to push

I let out the longest...

it was so long that as I went like that it changed key.

I went...

-And the guy...

-You know what that's called?

That's called a trombone.

Well, it got me thrown out of the Salvation Army.

And I went...

It was... Because the note changed,

I laughed so much and I turned to the bloke in the gym and went,

"I bet that happens all the time," and he went, "No".

LAUGHTER

Name the cause of the first mass extinction.

Oh, now this is a trick one,

because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one,

but there was one before that, wasn't there?

After 14 years, he understands the format.

And the thing I still can't do is think in my head.

Run, Forrest!

Where do you think, then?

-Out of my mouth.

-In your mouth.

Is it ice, ice?

-It is not ice...

-..Baby.

-No.

Very good. They had a problem, but they didn't solve it.

There was a massive extinction.

It's sea anemone greed and really the invention of the mouth.

So, what happens is, these are...

This is when the problems come, when we invent the mouth.

Yes. These are Ediacarans and they are the first complex life forms

on earth and they hung around on the sea floor

for about 37 million years.

They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus,

they just lived through osmosis.

They got along fine.

They're just fine. And then, what happens is the Cambrian explosion,

so that's, give or take a Tuesday, about 542 million years ago,

we suddenly get life forms rocketing,

because there's more oxygen around

and you get sea anenome-like creatures,

-they have a mouth and do you know what they did?

-They ate them.

Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them.

And the terrible, tragic thing was

that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.

-Oh, don't, that's so sad.

-Yep. No mouth.

-Just lying there being eaten and not being able to...

-Or warn each other.

I've had boyfriends like that and I understand how they feel.

LAUGHTER

Nothing you can do, just let them get on with it.

It's been a learning experience being with you.

I went to an exhibition at the Tate and it was on pop art and there was

a room that was set aside from everyone else

because it was very explicit,

by this artist called Jeff Coons who does basically high art,

but pornography.

And this middle-class woman and her two kids came up and the guy on

the door stopped them and said, this is for over-18s only, you can't come in.

And she said, I'll go in, have a look, come back out and tell you what I saw.

So, she went into the room and she came back out a split second later,

completely ashen-faced and I heard her lean down to these two kids and

she said, what happens between a man and woman is a beautiful thing,

what I saw in that room is of no help to anyone.

LAUGHTER

Like what he said after the circus skills one.

I'm trying to get my head around long division,

I don't need this bullshit.

Is it a large piece of land, a forest?

It is, it's a massive piece of land.

Here is the thing that Norway has that Finland doesn't really have.

Norway has hundreds of very big mountains and Finland doesn't.

And this is the nicest gift, they're going to give them a mountain.

-Oh, wow.

-This is the Halti range, it's on the border of the two countries.

They're going to give them the Halditsohkka peak.

It's only 4,366 feet high, but it doesn't even come into Norway's

top 200 highest peaks.

It will be Finland's highest mountain.

But they'll have to come and visit it, they can't put it...

It's on the border, so the border will just go...

I like you, I like you so much

because I found myself explaining that.

What does the world's fussiest eater eat?

Is the world's fussiest eater not a human being?

-Correct.

-Is it something that is so fussy that it just doesn't eat

-and then dies?

-No, it's very specific.

It only likes one thing on the menu.

It's so deeply unpleasant.

There are a few parasites who have cornered the market so decisively.

It's a little leech.

It rarely sees the light of day because it lives

up a hippopotamus's bottom.

It's called Placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi.

Here's the thing, hippos have incredibly tough skin,

so if the leech is looking for a blood meal off the hippo,

it really has to go to the rectal region because that's where

the blood vessels are. The skin is vascular.

-It's where the best restaurants are.

-Seriously, best place to hang out.

Here's the thing, has anybody ever seen a hippo being excused?

-No. I've not seen that.

-Well, it's the most extraordinary thing

because they are noted for the violence of their bowel movements, OK.

So they fire out an absolute explosion of slurry.

I know how they feel, guys.

Why are their bowel movements so violent? I'm interested!

OK, so it is extraordinary.

What's amazing is that the leech is able to hold on.

It has a fantastic grip!

It's got a pair of suckers, front and rear,

which provide incredible anchorage,

-so while this poo is spraying everywhere.

-Well...

Yes, Ross?

Is it something helpful?

Yeah, it is!

LAUGHTER

-I have a slight confession.

-Yes?

-Right.

I recently was bored in a hotel room...

-Yeah.

-No!

If you go online, and type in "hippos pooing", right?

Sorry, I'm just going to stop you there, why would you do that?

Start with moss.

Plot your way out.

Bears... in the woods.

-And there...

-LAUGHTER

..there are huge amounts of videos of people filming hippos at zoos,

who, their tail goes up, and they go...

It's unbelievable.

I don't know how it, it just sort of...

Have you got a leech?!

So, the world's fussiest eater won't eat anything but hippo's arse.

In fact, they've taken the little leeches into the lab and offered

them other things to eat, and they refuse.

So it's not interested in the dung at all?

-No, it doesn't want the dung.

-It just hears it coming!

Yeah, wa-a-ah!

Make of this nonsensical question what you will.

Who blows their nose for something to eat?

My children.

I suppose there might be some good bacteria in your mucus.

That's what I was told about children doing...

That does actually help their immune system, to consume their bogies.

-Yeah.

-Was that one of your children that told you that?

-Because I think that...

-"It's very good for me, actually!"

There's a conflict of interest there.

Is it an anteater?

-Is it an anteater?

-Well, they suck up ants through their noses,

-don't they?

-Yes,

but we're actually looking for something that blows its nose.

Blows its nose...

-Yes?

-Bird, mammal?

Bird-mammal... Are you trying to psych me out so I tell you?

-Trying.

-OK, it's a worm, you did it!

Worms haven't got noses, they've got spiracles.

Oh, well, here is the extraordinary thing. Have a look at this.

Prepare yourselves for this bit of footage.

This is a...

ALL: EUGH!

Make it stop!

It's called a nemertean, or a ribbon worm.

And it literally blows its nose,

so explosively ejects its proboscis from its body, in search of food.

They are also known as proboscis worms.

Is that snot, then?

No, it's its nose.

And when they detect food, or prey,

the muscle contractions of the body wall forces the proboscis,

literally its nose, out of the body,

-and it turns it inside out like a rubber glove.

-Right.

OK? And the one that's shown here is a gorgon worm,

and it's got these branching spaghetti-like tentacles on its proboscis,

which then envelops the prey with a sticky toxin,

and draws it back into the body.

Are you telling me that it ate that bloke?

LAUGHTER

-Let's have another look, let's have one more...

-No, let's not!

It's amazing, isn't it?

No!

LAUGHTER

Was it not more prevalent post the wipe-out of the dinosaurs?

Isn't there a theory that they died because of a change in temperature?

Well, the thing is, dinosaurs were neither warm- nor cold-blooded,

but they were somewhere in between.

-They were just right, weren't they?

-Yeah, they were just right!

-They liked to sit on the fence.

-Lovely Goldilocks blood.

Because, there are disadvantages to being warm-blooded, OK?

One of the things is, you have to keep eating to get fuel

to maintain the constant body temperature.

So if, for example, a lion was as big as a Tyrannosaurus rex,

it probably wouldn't be able to eat enough to survive.

Isn't there a theory on the dinosaurs,

where they died out because over a certain temperature all the eggs

hatched as male, and below a certain temperature they all hatched

as female? And then the temperature went down,

and they all hatched as female, and then there were no more, no-one to mate with.

Well, there are as many theories about how the dinosaurs...

But that's the correct one. The one that I can vaguely remember,

I'm 90% sure is 100% correct.

There's someone who's never watched King Kong.

Massive gorilla, mate.

Twatted all of them.

LAUGHTER

Well, that's spoilt the end of that film.

Time for another parlour game.

"Are you there, Moriarty?"

Who knows how to play this?

You're blindfolded, I'm guessing?

-Yes, you are.

-You're blindfolded, and you're as tall as a newspaper.

This is a British one, which I frankly don't understand, OK.

So, you are blindfolded, you hold each other's left hands,

one of you shouts out, "Are you there Moriarty?"

The other one shouts, "Yes".

And the one who said, "Are you there, Moriarty", then tries to hit them with the newspaper.

-I'll be the shouter.

-OK.

-You take turns, you take turns.

-Oh, all right, OK.

Obviously, I'm going to have to hit the target, but I'm not sure

how comfortable I am hitting a woman on national television.

It's Susan, you'll be all right.

LAUGHTER

Right, left hands held.

-Give me your hand.

-Left hand, yeah.

-OK, so, Matt?

-Yes?

You're going to say, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

And Susan, you're going to say, "Yes".

-And then, Matt, you're going to try and hit her.

-OK.

-OK, go.

Are you there, Moriarty?

Yes.

-Do I try again?

-You try again, now, Susan.

Sorry, I thought you meant...

-Right.

-Go on, Susan.

-Are you there, Moriarty?

No, I'm not, no.

Ow! Ow!

-Do you know what?

-Yeah?

-I love the idea that someone has turned on this for the first time,

and gone, "It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?

Uncle Stephen would never have allowed this!"

AH!

I know you're there!

Ow! Ow!

This is good, this is good.

I found her, so I don't need to...

Right, you two, come on, let's have a go. So, put your blindfold on...

I've got quite a big head, so I'm not sure it's going to fit round.

-Oh, there we go.

-There we go. Right.

-Do we stand up?

-No...

Ow!

I think Alan's won.

So, now, hold left hands.

I'm not going near him, he's an animal!

Hold left hands.

OK, so, Josh shouts, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

Are you there, Moriarty?

Ow. Ow!

-Alan, so, you have to say...

-How am I doing?

He missed! Let me just do it again.

Josh is going to shout, "Are you there, Moriarty?"

Alan's going to shout, "Yes", to indicate his location,

and then he's going to try and escape Josh hitting him.

OK? Right, Josh.

-Are you there, Moriarty?

-Yes.

Now, try and escape.

Just one hit!

Ow!

I don't... Ow!

LAUGHTER

Ow!

No!

LAUGHTER

Josh, you were rubbish at that game, you were rubbish!

I don't want to turn this into a Carry On film, but mine wasn't as rigid as Alan's.

I'm not sure that was the problem.

I think the overall winner of that is Alan.