Rab in Hoodie Rab C Nesbitt


Rab in Hoodie

Special extended episode of the sitcom. Facing hard times, Rab turns to a life of crime to help make ends meet and restyles himself as a heroic outlaw with his band of merry men.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

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HUBBUB

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SIREN

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# A minstrel sang but yesterday of Thatcher and of Tebbit

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# I sing today of zero hours

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# And universal credit. #

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Oh, it's yourself, Ella! Ach, it's yourself, Mary! How's it going?

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Any luckies? Nah. A packet of soup, a stale yum yum

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and a bashed-in tin without a label.

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Could be kidney beans, could be custard - either way it'll go with chips.

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Any sign of a wee job yet? No.

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But even now I am heading up the Jobcentre Plus

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where I have the utmost faith in my future.

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You off your head?

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Oh, I see. Oh...me also.

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I suffer from shagger's hip,

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but I too am determined not to let it get in the way

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of a wonderful new career for me.

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Perhaps...as a leading IT consultant

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or as a cleaner of pub lavvies.

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Oh, aye. I've got my name down to train as an astronaut with NASA,

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for I hear that Poundland are opening a new branch on Pluto

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and maybe taking on time travellers for Workfare. Super!

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Corned beef and prunes, Nana?

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Food bank roulette, hen, them's the breaks.

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So. Have you thought any more about you-know-what?

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Look, hen, I'm skint.

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I cannae afford it. Have you seen the state the world's in today?

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But that's my point, I cannae see the state the world's in.

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But I could if I had enough money to go on the school cruise.

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Go on, Nana, it's only a grand.

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What?! A grand?! Och, why did you no say?

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Away and take it out my purse, will you?

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And see while you're at it, open the window, cos your grandad will be landing soon on our helipad.

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But, Nana, it's going to Sweden... and you promised!

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I know, hen. We just cannae afford it.

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Look, you're only 16, there'll be plenty of other chances. Mary doll!

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That's me back. Get your drawers off, I'm depressed.

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HE LAUGHS It's yourself.

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Where's...where's Granda's kiss?

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Only a mother's love is given freely, all else is conditional.

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You been reading that online wisdom again? Eh?

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Listen, every time somebody posts a wise saying on Facebook,

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an angel chokes on his own vomit.

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Mrs Nesbitt, I'm finished.

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Who's this wallapur? He's from the council, Rab.

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Would you both come with me...please?

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So...what we doing in the spare room?

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The study!

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Oh, aye. Aye...the study.

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And what exactly do you...study?

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Er...dogs, horses, lottery numbers.

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My work is never done.

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So it's not a...spare bedroom, then?

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Spare bedroom? Spare bedroom? Let's see. Have you got a dictionary, Mary? Oh.

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It's an extra room that rich folk have, Rab, for kipping in.

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Oh, my goodness me...the way the other half live.

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No, no, no, this room is vital for my studies.

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You still don't qualify for... And garage!

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He parks his disability motor here.

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I tell you, it's murder getting it up them stairs.

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Look, don't embarrass yourselves by treating me like a fool.

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The use of this room is clear.

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See, two here...two there.

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Which makes me wonder what I'd find...if I opened this door.

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I wondered where I'd put that.

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That's a pity, I was going to ask him for a lift.

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A lift? Why, where are you going?

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HE GROANS

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I despair of our society.

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I sat up in Cadogan Street, right, and they called me, ME, a malingerer!

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Well, you are a malingerer. I refute that!

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I told them a first-class, hand-picked pack of lies.

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And I also had signed testimonials from three jailed councillors

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and a highly respected dodgy lawyer, right, and still they turned me down.

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Well, that's it... roll on independence!

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They may take our lives, but they'll never take our Disability Living Allowance.

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Do I detect a hint of satire?

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Half the folk in our street have been assessed.

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Most of them are genuine, unlike the boy in the bubble there.

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Oh, that's right, aye, blame the victim.

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Lying is an illness. I struggle with it daily.

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Fair enough. Fair enough. He is despicable, I'll give you that,

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but, I mean, he's got a point, hasn't he?

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Even useless bastards like us, well, we've got to eat.

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Respect!

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No, no, I'm not touching that, that's your chugging hand.

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Time was when shite like me was treated with dignity.

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Yeah. What year were you born, by the way?

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1980. That's the very year people in this country

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went on a Right to Work march.

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I mean, fair enough, fair enough

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they were misguided delusional pumps, but I tell you,

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it is time we get some of that fighting spirit back, boy. Yeah!

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I mean we might be wasters, right, but we're also human beings

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and it's...it's up to us to get out there and prove it!

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How? How?!

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HE MUTTERS I'll bloody well show you how!

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CHEERING We demand the right NOT to work!

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We all know there is not enough jobs to go round.

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So if you want to stop us scum flooding the jobs market

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and driving down your wages, pay us liveable benefits!

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CHEERING

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We vow to spend the money on highly taxed items,

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like fags and booze, thereby keeping the money in circulation!

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And as an added wee bonus,

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we promise to die before the pension age!

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Has he got permission to demonstrate here?

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Just a random nutter, sir.

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Flash mob!

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Thank you, gentlemen.

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Right then, boys, flash!

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Wicked bastards!

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Heenan...zero tolerance!

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Arrest those...keech! Yes, sir!

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Ach! Bizzy alert! Every scumball for yourself!

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Run!

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SUCKING

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I tell you this, Jamesie, I'm bloody sick of it! I'm sick of it!

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Tell me about it.

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Do you know all we got out of that food bank?

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A tin of alphabetti spaghetti.

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Bastard thing should have been in a museum.

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I took it straight back up there and I spelt out "Eff Off" in spaghetti on their counter.

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It was "Eff On" actually, cos I'd ran out of F's.

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Did I tell you Peaches is looking for money for the school cruise?

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Tell her to go out and work for it!

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I don't know, kids these days.

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We never got to go on a school cruise.

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No, and it was a blessing. Travel broadens the mind.

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That's the last thing Glasgow needs,

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thousands of jakies stoating about the place with expanded minds.

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You never let me finish.

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We never got going... but she's going, boy.

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How do you mean?

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HE GASPS Christ! Where did you get that?!

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Off the notice board at ASDA, it was an unwanted gift.

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Where the hell do you think I got it?

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The Punctured Arms pub? Shh! Keep your voice down!

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It's a wee bit Jack-the-Hat McVitie, is it no?

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That thing should be up in a museum along with the spaghetti hoops.

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It might be old, but it'll still do the job.

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I suppose. What job?

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Are you in or are you out?

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In.

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BUZZER

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Can I help you? Yes. My colleague and I

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are actually on our way to the carnival in Venice.

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We are pals of the Doge.

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Him and his wife...Mrs Doge.

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And we would actually like to make a withdrawal,

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so that we can go and see St...Mark's Basilica

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and gaze on its scenic splendour,

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while sitting on our arses with a case of lager between our feet.

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Do you have a card and some ID?

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Oh, a card? ID?

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Oh, difficult. Sadly not, no, but we do...have this.

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Oh, my God! He's got a gun.

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Fill that bag...Siobhan. Mr Farley, what'll I do?

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Don't do any such thing, Siobhan.

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Colleague...let him have it!

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I did not want to have to do this!

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RAB GROANS

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I can see why not! You two are pathetic!

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Colleague, have you still got that hammer in your back pocket? Aye, Rab. I mean, colleague.

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Spit on its shaft, bend him over the desk

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and ram it right up his hedge fund.

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We will upload it onto the net.

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HE CHUCKLES Maybe it'll go viral.

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You might even get on to... Rude Tube.

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Siobhan! Fill the bag? Yes, please. No problem.

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Very smart decision...I might say.

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Here's a wee sweetie for you.

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Well, sadly we must be going,

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the Medicis have actually asked us up the palace

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for Tizer, crisps and a wee minuet.

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So...ciao the now. Ci-ao!

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BUZZER

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The building society was robbed around 3pm today.

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Police Scotland are looking for two men,

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Rab Nesbitt and James Aaron Cotter,

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whom they believe can help with their investigations.

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I...I just don't understand how the bizzies got on to us so fast.

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What did you give that lassie behind the counter?

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Nothing. Just a sweetie.

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Was it one of your grooming sweeties?

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Eh? The ones with your phone number wrote on the wrapper?

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Aye. Ya dozy bastard!

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Who do you think you are?! Right, get your butts out the cowp now, mon.

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What for? Just for swearing? No, for being a pair of cheap blagging wallapurs.

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Get out my pub, the pair of you, you're giving this place a bad name.

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Oh, catch a grip of yourself, it was a victimless crime.

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Your arse! You've stood at that bar for years, ranting on about the bankers.

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But give you half a chance and you're greasing up your podgy digits

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and rolling around in the trough like the rest of them.

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You should be ashamed of yourselves. Any lower and you'd get a knighthood.

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Hey, steady the bus. I've got my pride.

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It's the way we roll, sweetheart, you know, deal with it.

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You don't roll, you slither.

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I'm surprised at you, Rab.

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So you're skint...big wow! So's the whole of Govan!

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But try helping other folk rather than lining your own pockets.

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Right, out!

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Give me 20 minutes and I'll come back with a witty ad lib, you know.

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BIRDSONG

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See to a scumball...ethics is a queer thing, you know.

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I mean, if somebody calls me shite, I'm happy,

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because, well, I've fulfilled my contractual obligation, sort of.

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But when somebody says they expected better of me,

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well, that...that is when the flaming spear of human decency

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lodges in my sphincter, you know.

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HE SIGHS I mean, see that Jeanette,

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she's actually just a moaning-faced bitch

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but, well, she got me thinking.

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And having thunk... This is what I've came up with.

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MUSIC

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BOW TWANGS ARROW THUNKS

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FANFARE

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You see that? You see that there?

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To this day, I still get a spiritual hard-on

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when I hear the thunk of that arrow into that tree.

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It is never too late to un-Friar Tuck yourself,

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you know what I'm saying?

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Mary, it's me.

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Er...there's been a wee bit of an incident, you know.

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Did you see that bit on the telly? What the hell are you playing at?!

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I send you up the food bank for a loaf and the next thing

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you're on the news for blagging a building society!

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'What the hell's going on?' I'm up the woods in the park.

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What, Cotter's no started up that coven again, has he?

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No! I cannae come home, can I? The bizzies know where I live.

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Oh, tell me about it. They've been round here twice already. What the hell's going on?

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Well, I thought I'd turn over a new leaf, and the woods seemed the right place to do it.

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I'm actually going to become the Robin Hood of Govan.

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Sorry, this must be a bad line, I thought you said you were going to be...

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Aye, the Robin Hood of Govan, you heard right.

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I'm going to fight social injustice

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and overturn the capitalist hegemony.

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Well, see when you've done that, go on and bring us back that loaf.

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Listen, hen, I've got to go, I've got to...

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I'm interviewing staff here!

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PHONE BEEPS

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RAB SIGHS

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So, you have applied for the position of Merry Man? Correct.

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There's only one wee fly in that particular ointment.

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To wit, you're no very merry.

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In fact, you're a miserable wee bastard.

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That was when Jamesie podgered my wife.

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I've cheered up a lot since then.

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Objection. I merely flicked his wife's bean.

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If you cannae celebrate when Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, when can you?!

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Hear, hear! I cannae have dissent in the ranks.

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Could you live with being a cuckold?

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Oh, aye. I was a Rangers supporter during the Craig Whyte era,

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I'm used to being gang-banged.

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So, er...what kind of salary are you expecting?

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Oh, I'm in demand. I've already been offered Workfare

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at a salary of absolutely nothing.

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Ah, well, there's...there's no way we could match a figure like that.

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You better get yourself to fuck.

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You don't understand, this isnae about the money.

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I'm sick of sitting in my onesie

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staring out the window at the drizzle.

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Being a Merry Man isn't a job, it's a social duty!

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Andra of Burleigh Street is with you!

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Well, in that case, what are we waiting for, eh?

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There you go, boy.

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RAB CHUCKLES

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Let's get tore right into the hated capitalist system!

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Merry Men, to your weapons!

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Er...Rab, can I just point something out here?

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The capitalist system has got Trident missiles and unmanned drone AERIEs,

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while we have got leafy sticks.

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Are you questioning my leadership? Depends.

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Do you think I might get my Nat King out of this? Very possibly.

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In that case, I am not questioning your leadership! To the barricades!

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ALL CHEER

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I'm still shaking. They pure came out of nowhere,

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said they were establishing a new world order and asked me

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where I kept the Vimto and sherbet lemons.

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They were quite old.

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When they made me empty the till, I was like that.

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Then I was like that.

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Then I went back to being like that again.

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It all happened so... MAN: Quickly?

0:17:590:18:02

No...slowly. Like I said, they were old.

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One of them tried to give me their number on a sweetie wrapper,

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but the leader stopped him.

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Do you have any clues to their identity?

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They were all wearing hoodies.

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The big mental one was the gaffer.

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He called hisself... Rab In Hoodie.

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It's believed this is the same violent gang

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that recently held up a building society.

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Police say these men are dangerous

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and if spotted should not be approached.

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ALL GASP

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Fear not, fear not. I am Rab In Hoodie

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and this is my Merry Man, Little Jamesie.

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Let it be known that the "little" is ironic,

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I am hung like a Derby winner.

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We have vowed to eradicate social injustice and to take arms...

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You'll have to speak up, son, some of us have an aural shortfall.

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Listen...here's the deal, right.

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HE LAUGHS This country is going down the lavvy pan, right,

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and see us scum, we are getting blamed

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for knocking off the toilet rolls!

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It's not your fault, son. We've all worked hard all our lives,

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and for what? To end up in this dump!

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Exactly, brother! Exactly!

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And our message to the government is this.

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You can keep your benefits! You can stuff them.

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If they're begrudged, we don't want them!

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We the people will not be controlled by mere spondulicks.

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We disdain money!

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Aye, you might, but we dinnae!

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ALL CHEER

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Get your paws off the crinklies, you rickedy-legged midden, ya!

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This latest attack is said to be politically motivated

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and the work of the self-styled Rab In Hoodie.

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Outside Govan police station we have Chief Superintendent Murdo Cromer.

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Chief Inspector, what can you tell us?

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This is the sort of urban terrorism

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against which the public need to be protected.

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And I give Glasgow this assurance -

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I will attack the public

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with maximum force in order to protect it.

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You say you're protecting the public, but Rab In Hoodie's

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gathering a lot of popular support, is he not?

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Nonsense!

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Wherever I go, ordinary decent people support the police

0:20:350:20:39

and our ongoing efforts to rid the city of these...

0:20:390:20:43

animals!

0:20:430:20:45

BIRDSONG

0:20:470:20:49

So er... What's your star sign?

0:20:510:20:54

No, no, don't tell me, don't tell me, let me guess.

0:20:540:20:57

Taurus.

0:20:570:20:59

HE LAUGHS No, nae offence, nae offence,

0:20:590:21:01

it's just that the wife's a right cow as well, you know.

0:21:010:21:05

Oh, God! Oh, let me gaze into your eyes.

0:21:050:21:09

Ya dirty bastard!

0:21:160:21:19

I turn my back for five minutes, five minutes,

0:21:190:21:21

and the next thing you're fondling the bloody wildlife!

0:21:210:21:24

I was just talking to it! It's pet therapy!

0:21:240:21:27

And, anyway, we cannae stay in these woods for ever, you know.

0:21:270:21:31

This is Scotland, it'll be July soon, we could freeze to death!

0:21:310:21:35

You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that?!

0:21:350:21:38

That's why I have plans for the future.

0:21:380:21:41

What plans?

0:21:410:21:43

Civil disobedience, rioting, that kind of thing.

0:21:430:21:47

We play wur cards right, Govan could get a theme park out of this.

0:21:470:21:50

Yeah. You...you could be on a reality TV show.

0:21:500:21:56

Yeah. I mean, do you no want to be

0:21:560:21:58

the object of ridicule in a low-budget documentary?

0:21:580:22:02

I dream of being the object of ridicule in a low-budget documentary.

0:22:020:22:08

Well, remember, we are a team!

0:22:080:22:12

That means keeping our shape, keeping our discipline,

0:22:120:22:15

and that also means keeping your mitts off of anything that moos.

0:22:150:22:20

This is our once in a lifetime chance

0:22:200:22:22

to haul ourselves out the gutter.

0:22:220:22:25

Do you really want to mess that up for the sake of a pair of udders?

0:22:250:22:29

COW MOOS

0:22:290:22:31

You're right, Rab.

0:22:310:22:34

It's now or never!

0:22:340:22:36

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen

0:22:360:22:40

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood With his band of men... # ALARM

0:22:400:22:43

Thinking of changing your debts into one single easy repayment?

0:22:430:22:48

Well, try Rab Loans. Simply ram a gun up a shop assistant's arse

0:22:480:22:52

and get 10K instantly. HE LAUGHS

0:22:520:22:55

Oh! Hey, here. HE CHUCKLES

0:22:550:22:59

Never mind the food bank, get your arse up to Waitrose.

0:22:590:23:02

Take it. Take it. Go.

0:23:020:23:04

Come on, Rab!

0:23:040:23:07

HE LAUGHS Take a taxi.

0:23:070:23:10

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen...#

0:23:140:23:17

Calling all students, workies and unemployed comfort eaters!

0:23:170:23:22

The Paris buns are on Rab In Hoodie!

0:23:220:23:24

ALL CHEER

0:23:240:23:26

Jamesie. Jamesie, get the driver, get the driver!

0:23:310:23:35

Andra, Andra, the door! DOOR HISSES

0:23:350:23:38

People of the bus...be not afraid.

0:23:380:23:42

We...we come not to harm you or to mischief make. HE LAUGHS

0:23:420:23:46

Wait a minute, I know you.

0:23:460:23:49

You're that guy off the TV news. You're Rab In Hoodie!

0:23:490:23:53

Well, I er...I may be Robin Hood,

0:23:530:23:57

but sadly I'm also a robbing bastard!

0:23:570:24:01

But you don't have to take our money,

0:24:010:24:03

we'll give it to you, willingly!

0:24:030:24:06

We were all just talking about you.

0:24:060:24:08

We so appreciate what you're doing.

0:24:080:24:10

Don't we, everyone? ALL: Yes!

0:24:100:24:12

Oh, well, in that case,

0:24:120:24:15

let our dear Queen's head hit our traditional Scottish Lidl bags!

0:24:150:24:20

ALL CHEER

0:24:200:24:22

Oh, thank you very much, sir, that's lovely.

0:24:220:24:24

Oh, most generous.

0:24:240:24:26

# ..Robin Hood With his band of men

0:24:260:24:30

# Feared by the bad

0:24:300:24:32

# Loved by the good

0:24:320:24:34

# Robin Hood... #

0:24:340:24:36

Well, thanks for meeting me, Mary. Oh...nae bother, Louise.

0:24:360:24:41

I know the readers of my column will be fascinated to learn

0:24:410:24:45

about the woman behind Rab In Hoodie.

0:24:450:24:47

Well, sometimes I'm behind him,

0:24:470:24:49

other times I'm in front of him dragging him home by his ankles!

0:24:490:24:53

I am that proud of him, though.

0:24:530:24:55

You should be proud of yourself too. How do you mean?

0:24:550:24:58

Well, if he's Rab In Hoodie, you know what that makes you? What?

0:24:580:25:02

Maid Mary-ion. Maid Mary-ion? Hmm.

0:25:020:25:06

Oh, that's went straight to my nips!

0:25:060:25:08

Give me the skinny, what's Prick Turpin been up to now?

0:25:160:25:20

Local telly, radio features... stories in the papers.

0:25:200:25:25

Ah, Christ! He's giving out ?50 notes with food parcels.

0:25:250:25:29

Being good to people. That old trick.

0:25:290:25:32

He'll stop at nothing, the slimy bastard.

0:25:320:25:35

But that's not the bad part.

0:25:350:25:37

Christ! There's two of them!

0:25:420:25:45

But not for long, sir.

0:25:450:25:47

We're onto them.

0:25:470:25:49

I know...I miss you too.

0:25:490:25:53

But see when I come back, I am going to unleash my wand of passion

0:25:530:25:59

and make hot steaming... Are you talking to your wife?

0:25:590:26:02

Don't be repulsive! I'm talking to his wife.

0:26:020:26:04

Ask her what's for dinner. We're starving here!

0:26:040:26:07

Babette, listen the bizzies are everywhere and we cannae show face,

0:26:070:26:11

so could you smuggle us over some...

0:26:110:26:13

Aye, all right.

0:26:140:26:16

She cannae come over, she's watching the box set of Downton Abbey.

0:26:180:26:22

I bought her that.

0:26:220:26:24

Maybe we could kill a cow?

0:26:240:26:26

Yous arenae touching Rihanna!

0:26:260:26:28

Rihanna?!

0:26:280:26:30

Good God, it's an animal! Don't get sentimental!

0:26:300:26:34

She might be an animal to you,

0:26:340:26:36

but she's the only thing that's kept me sane in this wilderness!

0:26:360:26:40

She, Jamesie?!

0:26:400:26:42

Listen, would...would it make a difference to you

0:26:420:26:45

if I was to point out

0:26:450:26:47

that Rihanna does not have udders...she has bollocks!

0:26:470:26:52

That doesnae alter anything.

0:26:520:26:54

I believe in gay marriage.

0:26:540:26:57

And if a couple love each other... I believe in gay marriage too,

0:26:570:27:02

but...but society has yet to take that first breakthrough step

0:27:020:27:07

that will allow us to...to stoat about the countryside willy-nilly,

0:27:070:27:11

podgering the wildlife, let alone sticking a ring on its hoof

0:27:110:27:15

and taking a mortgage out on a cow shed in joint names!

0:27:150:27:18

Are you with me? Aye.

0:27:180:27:21

You're saying...I'm ahead of my time.

0:27:210:27:25

That's what I'm saying Jamesie, that's what I'm saying, aye.

0:27:250:27:28

One day... Shh!

0:27:280:27:30

WHIRRING

0:27:300:27:32

What is it? Shh! ROTORS WHIR

0:27:320:27:35

Tights. A bird's just crossed her legs in Cessnock!

0:27:350:27:40

You're imagining it! No, he's right, I heard something too!

0:27:400:27:46

It's the police! How did they find us?!

0:27:460:27:48

DOGS BARK The bloody mobile phones!

0:27:480:27:51

They traced the mobile signal! What'll we do, Rab? Should we give ourselves up?

0:27:510:27:56

DOGS BARK Never! Never!

0:27:560:27:58

We will stand here and we will hold our ground!

0:27:580:28:01

SIREN But first, get yourselves to fuck.

0:28:020:28:06

DOGS BARK

0:28:060:28:09

SIREN

0:28:090:28:11

OWL HOOTS

0:28:110:28:14

# How bright we shine

0:28:140:28:16

# How fast we run at the dawning of the day

0:28:160:28:21

# But as the night descends on us

0:28:210:28:25

# Our fears come out to play. #

0:28:250:28:29

We cannae go on like this!

0:28:290:28:32

Listen it's...it's important here to keep our spirits up.

0:28:320:28:37

Here's another one.

0:28:370:28:39

Who said, "If you think you're too small to make a difference,

0:28:390:28:43

"try sleeping with a mosquito"?

0:28:430:28:46

Who would want to sleep with a mosquito?!

0:28:460:28:49

You after three pints.

0:28:490:28:51

It was the Dalai Lama, all right?

0:28:510:28:53

The Dalai... All right, fair enough, it wasnae one of his best ones.

0:28:530:28:59

In fact... See, come to think of it, I hate the speccy wee bastard.

0:28:590:29:04

Cutting about in a pair of living-room curtains,

0:29:040:29:07

dispensing wisdom all over the shop.

0:29:070:29:10

Can't you shut up about the Dalai Lama?!

0:29:100:29:14

SIREN It's them again!

0:29:140:29:17

ROTORS WHIR How did they find us?!

0:29:170:29:19

SIREN Did you phone home?!

0:29:190:29:21

No...it was an accident!

0:29:210:29:24

My...my phone was in my back pocket,

0:29:240:29:26

it was an arse redial!

0:29:260:29:28

All right, it wasn't an accident.

0:29:290:29:32

SIREN NEARS I miss my wife.

0:29:320:29:34

Aye, I know what you mean.

0:29:340:29:36

I miss his wife too.

0:29:360:29:38

I'm fed up being a Merry Man!

0:29:380:29:41

And I'm fed up being Rab In bloody Hoodie.

0:29:410:29:44

Let's face it, boys...the bizzies is closing in on us.

0:29:460:29:51

We have one last chance...one last chance at a dirty big blag,

0:29:510:29:56

then we get the hell out of Dodge with the proceeds.

0:29:560:29:59

Hey, what do you think, Mary? It's green, does that make it healthy?

0:30:040:30:10

Some things are born green, Ella,

0:30:100:30:13

others have greenness thrust upon them.

0:30:130:30:16

Have you heard any more from Rab? Oh, he was on the phone last night.

0:30:180:30:22

He's still promising to get Peaches

0:30:220:30:24

the money for that school cruise of hers.

0:30:240:30:27

Oh, I'm just worried sick about how he's going to get it.

0:30:270:30:30

My mother used to talk about wartime rationing.

0:30:300:30:33

Nowadays it's much worse. I know.

0:30:330:30:36

Who'd have thought that giant bins like this

0:30:360:30:39

would end up being Kinder Eggs for scum, eh?

0:30:390:30:42

Ray Mears should do a show about Govan folk surviving in the wild.

0:30:420:30:46

ELLA CHUCKLES Any takers?

0:30:460:30:48

ELLA LAUGHS Give 'em six months, eh, Mary?

0:30:480:30:53

What is it, Mary? Are you all right?

0:30:530:30:55

God forgive me, Ella, I think I've come up with an idea.

0:30:550:30:59

What is it?

0:30:590:31:01

Rationing. Waste not want not, eh?

0:31:010:31:06

BIRDSONG

0:31:060:31:07

You sure this'll work?

0:31:210:31:23

Do yous want to a third act to your lives or do yous not?

0:31:230:31:26

Not if it's anything like the first two.

0:31:260:31:29

How do we know which one to take?

0:31:330:31:36

Shh! Keep your voice down, for God's sake!

0:31:360:31:39

Andra, to your post. All right, Rab.

0:31:390:31:42

Listen, I don't know a Canaletto from a can of spaghetti,

0:31:420:31:46

we are going to have to narrow things down a bit here.

0:31:460:31:48

We will use our stealth and our cunning.

0:31:480:31:51

Watch this. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:31:530:31:56

Er...excuse me, pal.

0:31:570:31:59

Er...my colleague and I are a couple of art connoisseurs

0:31:590:32:03

through from Chookerhill, you know?

0:32:030:32:05

And we were just wondering which one of these exhibits

0:32:050:32:09

is actually priceless and which ones are just a pile of old keech

0:32:090:32:13

that you'd fling out your granny's house

0:32:130:32:16

after she'd been found dead behind the door kinda style?

0:32:160:32:20

Well, in terms of value, I suppose the Rembrandt is the most...

0:32:200:32:24

Sorry...do I know you?

0:32:240:32:28

Eh? Er... Oh, very possibly, yes.

0:32:280:32:32

I'm...I'm actually the host of that popular afternoon television show,

0:32:320:32:37

Wife In The Attic. Cash In The Attic! Cash...Cash In The Attic.

0:32:370:32:42

And my colleague here has actually had his penis exhibited on the Antiques Roadshow.

0:32:420:32:50

Of course...I'd never sell it,

0:32:500:32:52

it's been in our family too long.

0:32:520:32:55

So...playful incest jokes aside,

0:32:550:33:00

where exactly...? Which one is the Rebrand?

0:33:000:33:05

Rembrandt. Oh, yes! It's just there.

0:33:050:33:08

Oh...look at that!

0:33:080:33:10

Ah, yes. Ah, I love these tables.

0:33:100:33:14

I love them. But see his three-piece suites, they bring tears to my eyes!

0:33:140:33:20

Rembrandt was actually a painter.

0:33:200:33:24

It's just up there. Oh, yes, of course!

0:33:240:33:28

RAB CHUCKLES

0:33:280:33:29

Oh, yes, yes.

0:33:290:33:31

His, er... His rotten period. My favourite.

0:33:310:33:35

GLASS SHATTERS ALARM

0:33:350:33:37

Excuse me, gentleman.

0:33:370:33:38

Quick, Jamesie, the fiendish...switcheroo!

0:33:380:33:43

Charles Saatchi did it. He...he throttled me and ran away!

0:33:510:33:54

HORN BLARES

0:33:570:33:58

Great news! Go on. My producer loves your idea.

0:34:120:34:15

You're kidding?! A return to wartime economics.

0:34:150:34:18

Hard-pressed women making use of everything around them.

0:34:180:34:21

She thinks it'll make a great feature for the magazine show.

0:34:210:34:25

Yes! Get it right round ya!

0:34:250:34:26

Oh, I mean...what a delightful surprise.

0:34:280:34:32

Just one question. We know how interesting your recipes are

0:34:320:34:35

in theory, but do they work in practice?

0:34:350:34:38

I thought you might ask me that.

0:34:380:34:41

Da-da!

0:34:410:34:43

On you go.

0:34:430:34:44

Do you like crispy duck? Oh, yes, very much.

0:34:440:34:48

Well, you'll love this...

0:34:480:34:49

it's crispy rat.

0:34:490:34:51

Question. Did the fact that this Rembrandt painting

0:34:540:34:57

looks nothing like a Rembrandt,

0:34:570:34:59

and does not even consist of paint, not alert your suspicion?

0:34:590:35:03

I know how this looks.

0:35:030:35:04

The further clue is it's signed by the great artist...B

0:35:040:35:09

That's ...what drew my attention.

0:35:090:35:12

That and the Blu-Tack... at the corners.

0:35:120:35:15

At least he gave us a full description, sir.

0:35:190:35:21

We know exactly who we're looking for.

0:35:210:35:23

All we need to know now is where to find them.

0:35:230:35:25

That's simple enough.

0:35:250:35:26

If you were a Govan scumball with a Rembrandt stuck up your funnel,

0:35:260:35:30

where would you go to offload it?

0:35:300:35:32

There's only one place. Correctamundo!

0:35:320:35:34

PHONE RINGS

0:35:430:35:46

Grandad? Listen, hen, years ago I wanted to go on a school cruise.

0:35:460:35:53

The name of the boat was...Nevasa.

0:35:530:35:56

That name is still engraved in the pickled walnut

0:35:560:36:00

that passes for my heart.

0:36:000:36:01

I never made it...but you will.

0:36:020:36:05

What?! Listen, I'm meeting a wee man down the docks tomorrow morning.

0:36:050:36:11

You be there. You mean it? Grandad, please don't be a fanny merchant.

0:36:110:36:16

Don't make me troll you on Twitter. Grandad?

0:36:160:36:19

Tomorrow, hen. Tomorrow. Cheerio.

0:36:190:36:23

He took the bait, sir. We're closing in.

0:36:300:36:32

RADIO CRACKLES

0:36:320:36:34

SHIP'S HORN

0:36:400:36:41

GULLS SCREECH

0:36:430:36:45

Fair takes me back to my schooldays.

0:36:450:36:48

Standing in an alleyway with an old master between my legs.

0:36:480:36:52

PHONE RINGS

0:36:520:36:54

Excuse me.

0:36:540:36:55

Hello.

0:36:580:36:59

Aye, aye, aye, it's me.

0:36:590:37:01

Of course I've got the painting! Have you got the money?

0:37:020:37:07

What? Step...step forward and reveal myself?

0:37:070:37:11

OK, OK. Wilco. Yeah, Wilco.

0:37:120:37:15

Stepping forward...now.

0:37:150:37:17

HE SIGHS

0:37:190:37:20

Christ! There's never a dull moment being scum, is it, eh?

0:37:200:37:23

One minute you're queuing up for an Atos test, for Christ's sake,

0:37:230:37:28

and the next minute you're an art thief...

0:37:280:37:31

and the Errol Flynn of Pollokshaws.

0:37:310:37:34

HE LAUGHS

0:37:340:37:36

The things we do for love.

0:37:360:37:38

Grandad!

0:37:400:37:42

Peaches!

0:37:420:37:44

Grandad! Peaches! SIREN

0:37:450:37:49

Oh, for fuck's sake!

0:37:490:37:51

SIREN

0:37:510:37:52

RAB GROANS

0:38:010:38:03

Hello, Robin.

0:38:030:38:05

I'm the big bad sheriff.

0:38:050:38:07

You think you're going to stop me, don't you?

0:38:070:38:10

Well, I'll tell you this, boy, see my Merry Men?

0:38:100:38:13

My Merry Men are out there!

0:38:130:38:15

All right, Rab?

0:38:150:38:16

Nae luck, eh, Rab?

0:38:160:38:19

HE SIGHS

0:38:190:38:21

On occasions like these, I normally make a big showboating speech,

0:38:210:38:26

you know something along the lines of

0:38:260:38:29

'Tis a far, far better thing I do now than I've ever done before"

0:38:290:38:33

sort of style. But, well, sometimes words just don't say enough.

0:38:330:38:39

RAB GROANS

0:38:390:38:41

PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS

0:38:430:38:45

Hello. Nana...where are you?

0:38:450:38:49

Where I'll always be, hen.

0:38:490:38:51

Oh...Nana!

0:38:510:38:53

MARY LAUGHS

0:38:530:38:55

I suppose you just cannae always get what you want, eh?

0:38:550:38:59

Ah, never you mind, hen.

0:38:590:39:01

I'll tell you what, you want to see me

0:39:010:39:03

make an arse of myself on the telly this morning? Might cheer you up.

0:39:030:39:06

Aye, why no?

0:39:060:39:08

Today on the Wan Show we'll have fun, sun, song and testicular cancer.

0:39:080:39:14

But first, I'm with social rebel Mary "Hoodie" Nesbitt.

0:39:140:39:18

In these harsh times, Mary has some urban recipes

0:39:180:39:21

that absolutely anyone can afford. Am I right?

0:39:210:39:25

Oh, yes, that is correct, Louise.

0:39:250:39:28

Take the urban fox... and I do mean take it.

0:39:280:39:31

Just grab one by the throat, then batter it over the head

0:39:310:39:35

with an empty ginger bottle

0:39:350:39:37

till it staggers then falls.

0:39:370:39:39

Then drag it home, bung it in the blender and...voila!

0:39:390:39:43

There we have it. Fox in the Box!

0:39:430:39:47

Another quick idea is bin-lid tempura.

0:39:490:39:52

Very popular in Germany after the war.

0:39:520:39:55

Just take one bin lid from a top-quality restaurant

0:39:550:40:00

and your man's old chib.

0:40:000:40:02

Then scrape the glabber off into delightful slivers.

0:40:020:40:07

Any other...tips, Mary? Oh, yes, indeed, Louise.

0:40:070:40:12

Shoplifting! Now, those dirty great deep big pockets of...

0:40:120:40:16

I think that's all we've got time for.

0:40:160:40:19

Moving on...

0:40:190:40:21

I get it. I should just learn my place, right?

0:40:210:40:24

Accept that we're both just a couple of losers.

0:40:240:40:27

Speak for yourself, hen.

0:40:270:40:29

See, after that went out, I got a phone call from a publisher.

0:40:290:40:32

And he wants to put a photo of Mary Hoodie

0:40:320:40:36

on the front cover of a new cookbook for the unwaged.

0:40:360:40:39

So I said, "All right, pal, a grand in the hand, and it's yours."

0:40:390:40:43

And what did he say? Look at that!

0:40:430:40:45

You see that, that is a boarding pass

0:40:450:40:49

for that dirty great big cruise ship over there

0:40:490:40:52

that's leaving in ten minutes.

0:40:520:40:54

Well, have you got nothing to say?

0:40:540:40:56

Aye, but you better cover your ears.

0:40:560:40:58

Ya fucking dancer!

0:40:580:41:00

Go on. On you go, quick! Quick!

0:41:020:41:04

They'll wait for you. Peaches, bye!

0:41:040:41:07

Bye!

0:41:070:41:09

HORN

0:41:100:41:11

# The game was played

0:41:110:41:13

# The race was run

0:41:130:41:15

# The sheriff won the hunt

0:41:150:41:18

# No sympathy for Rab and C

0:41:180:41:22

# For the judge he was a.... #

0:41:220:41:24

Are you sure this is going to work?

0:41:380:41:41

Of course it's going to work.

0:41:410:41:43

It worked for the Count of Monte Cristo, didn't it?

0:41:430:41:46

Aye, aye, but he made an arse of it.

0:41:460:41:48

He ended up burrowing into the cell next door. Ah, well, that's...

0:41:480:41:52

That's where we're smarter.

0:41:520:41:53

Our cell is right on the end.

0:41:530:41:56

You've thought this through, Rab.

0:41:560:41:59

And one floor up. And one floor up?

0:41:590:42:02

Above the sewage tank!

0:42:050:42:07

BOTH SCREAM

0:42:070:42:09

RAB SPLUTTERS

0:42:120:42:14

Jamesie! Jamesie!

0:42:160:42:18

Ohh!

0:42:180:42:20

Christ knows I'm not ambitious,

0:42:230:42:26

but I'd always hoped to die IN the gutter, not fucking underneath it!

0:42:260:42:31

You know our mistake in life, Jamesie?

0:42:330:42:36

We've always... We've always burrowed down,

0:42:360:42:40

we should have been...burrowing up.

0:42:400:42:44

Up? Up?!

0:42:440:42:46

How can you burrow up?! Up?!

0:42:460:42:52

Forget tunnels. Forget tunnels!

0:42:520:42:56

We will...we will join the prison woodworking class

0:42:560:43:01

and we will build...a glider!

0:43:010:43:04

Oh, hell, yeah!

0:43:040:43:08

BOTH: # Robin Hood, Robin Hood

0:43:080:43:10

# Riding through the glen

0:43:100:43:14

ALL: # Robin Hood, Robin Hood With his band of men... #

0:43:140:43:19

What are you looking at anyway? Eh?

0:43:190:43:22

What are you looking at? Away and find your own song to sing.

0:43:220:43:26

Go on, away you go! Beat it!

0:43:260:43:29

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:43:290:43:31

Beat it!

0:43:570:43:58

Facing hard times that are harder than ever, Rab turns to a life of crime to help make ends meet. He soon restyles himself as a new breed of heroic outlaw - not so much Robin Hood as Rab in Hoodie, as he rages against the state with his band of Merry Men and his long-suffering wife Mary-Doll, who becomes 'Maid Mary-on'.

Rab not only has a system to overthrow, he also has a grand-daughter, Peaches, who desperately needs the price of a ticket for the school cruise. Meanwhile, Jamesie strikes up an affinity with the local wildlife.


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