Rab in Hoodie Rab C Nesbitt

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

HUBBUB

SIREN

# A minstrel sang but yesterday of Thatcher and of Tebbit

# I sing today of zero hours

# And universal credit. #

Oh, it's yourself, Ella! Ach, it's yourself, Mary! How's it going?

Any luckies? Nah. A packet of soup, a stale yum yum

and a bashed-in tin without a label.

Could be kidney beans, could be custard - either way it'll go with chips.

Any sign of a wee job yet? No.

But even now I am heading up the Jobcentre Plus

where I have the utmost faith in my future.

You off your head?

Oh, I see. Oh...me also.

I suffer from shagger's hip,

but I too am determined not to let it get in the way

of a wonderful new career for me.

Perhaps...as a leading IT consultant

or as a cleaner of pub lavvies.

Oh, aye. I've got my name down to train as an astronaut with NASA,

for I hear that Poundland are opening a new branch on Pluto

and maybe taking on time travellers for Workfare. Super!

Corned beef and prunes, Nana?

Food bank roulette, hen, them's the breaks.

So. Have you thought any more about you-know-what?

Look, hen, I'm skint.

I cannae afford it. Have you seen the state the world's in today?

But that's my point, I cannae see the state the world's in.

But I could if I had enough money to go on the school cruise.

Go on, Nana, it's only a grand.

What?! A grand?! Och, why did you no say?

Away and take it out my purse, will you?

And see while you're at it, open the window, cos your grandad will be landing soon on our helipad.

But, Nana, it's going to Sweden... and you promised!

I know, hen. We just cannae afford it.

Look, you're only 16, there'll be plenty of other chances. Mary doll!

That's me back. Get your drawers off, I'm depressed.

HE LAUGHS It's yourself.

Where's...where's Granda's kiss?

Only a mother's love is given freely, all else is conditional.

You been reading that online wisdom again? Eh?

Listen, every time somebody posts a wise saying on Facebook,

an angel chokes on his own vomit.

Mrs Nesbitt, I'm finished.

Who's this wallapur? He's from the council, Rab.

Would you both come with me...please?

So...what we doing in the spare room?

The study!

Oh, aye. Aye...the study.

And what exactly do you...study?

Er...dogs, horses, lottery numbers.

My work is never done.

So it's not a...spare bedroom, then?

Spare bedroom? Spare bedroom? Let's see. Have you got a dictionary, Mary? Oh.

It's an extra room that rich folk have, Rab, for kipping in.

Oh, my goodness me...the way the other half live.

No, no, no, this room is vital for my studies.

You still don't qualify for... And garage!

He parks his disability motor here.

I tell you, it's murder getting it up them stairs.

Look, don't embarrass yourselves by treating me like a fool.

The use of this room is clear.

See, two here...two there.

Which makes me wonder what I'd find...if I opened this door.

I wondered where I'd put that.

That's a pity, I was going to ask him for a lift.

A lift? Why, where are you going?

HE GROANS

I despair of our society.

I sat up in Cadogan Street, right, and they called me, ME, a malingerer!

Well, you are a malingerer. I refute that!

I told them a first-class, hand-picked pack of lies.

And I also had signed testimonials from three jailed councillors

and a highly respected dodgy lawyer, right, and still they turned me down.

Well, that's it... roll on independence!

They may take our lives, but they'll never take our Disability Living Allowance.

Do I detect a hint of satire?

Half the folk in our street have been assessed.

Most of them are genuine, unlike the boy in the bubble there.

Oh, that's right, aye, blame the victim.

Lying is an illness. I struggle with it daily.

Fair enough. Fair enough. He is despicable, I'll give you that,

but, I mean, he's got a point, hasn't he?

Even useless bastards like us, well, we've got to eat.

Respect!

No, no, I'm not touching that, that's your chugging hand.

Time was when shite like me was treated with dignity.

Yeah. What year were you born, by the way?

1980. That's the very year people in this country

went on a Right to Work march.

I mean, fair enough, fair enough

they were misguided delusional pumps, but I tell you,

it is time we get some of that fighting spirit back, boy. Yeah!

I mean we might be wasters, right, but we're also human beings

and it's...it's up to us to get out there and prove it!

How? How?!

HE MUTTERS I'll bloody well show you how!

CHEERING We demand the right NOT to work!

We all know there is not enough jobs to go round.

So if you want to stop us scum flooding the jobs market

and driving down your wages, pay us liveable benefits!

CHEERING

We vow to spend the money on highly taxed items,

like fags and booze, thereby keeping the money in circulation!

And as an added wee bonus,

we promise to die before the pension age!

Has he got permission to demonstrate here?

Just a random nutter, sir.

Flash mob!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Right then, boys, flash!

Wicked bastards!

Heenan...zero tolerance!

Arrest those...keech! Yes, sir!

Ach! Bizzy alert! Every scumball for yourself!

Run!

SUCKING

I tell you this, Jamesie, I'm bloody sick of it! I'm sick of it!

Tell me about it.

Do you know all we got out of that food bank?

A tin of alphabetti spaghetti.

Bastard thing should have been in a museum.

I took it straight back up there and I spelt out "Eff Off" in spaghetti on their counter.

It was "Eff On" actually, cos I'd ran out of F's.

Did I tell you Peaches is looking for money for the school cruise?

Tell her to go out and work for it!

I don't know, kids these days.

We never got to go on a school cruise.

No, and it was a blessing. Travel broadens the mind.

That's the last thing Glasgow needs,

thousands of jakies stoating about the place with expanded minds.

You never let me finish.

We never got going... but she's going, boy.

How do you mean?

HE GASPS Christ! Where did you get that?!

Off the notice board at ASDA, it was an unwanted gift.

Where the hell do you think I got it?

The Punctured Arms pub? Shh! Keep your voice down!

It's a wee bit Jack-the-Hat McVitie, is it no?

That thing should be up in a museum along with the spaghetti hoops.

It might be old, but it'll still do the job.

I suppose. What job?

Are you in or are you out?

In.

BUZZER

Can I help you? Yes. My colleague and I

are actually on our way to the carnival in Venice.

We are pals of the Doge.

Him and his wife...Mrs Doge.

And we would actually like to make a withdrawal,

so that we can go and see St...Mark's Basilica

and gaze on its scenic splendour,

while sitting on our arses with a case of lager between our feet.

Do you have a card and some ID?

Oh, a card? ID?

Oh, difficult. Sadly not, no, but we do...have this.

Oh, my God! He's got a gun.

Fill that bag...Siobhan. Mr Farley, what'll I do?

Don't do any such thing, Siobhan.

Colleague...let him have it!

I did not want to have to do this!

RAB GROANS

I can see why not! You two are pathetic!

Colleague, have you still got that hammer in your back pocket? Aye, Rab. I mean, colleague.

Spit on its shaft, bend him over the desk

and ram it right up his hedge fund.

We will upload it onto the net.

HE CHUCKLES Maybe it'll go viral.

You might even get on to... Rude Tube.

Siobhan! Fill the bag? Yes, please. No problem.

Very smart decision...I might say.

Here's a wee sweetie for you.

Well, sadly we must be going,

the Medicis have actually asked us up the palace

for Tizer, crisps and a wee minuet.

So...ciao the now. Ci-ao!

BUZZER

The building society was robbed around 3pm today.

Police Scotland are looking for two men,

Rab Nesbitt and James Aaron Cotter,

whom they believe can help with their investigations.

I...I just don't understand how the bizzies got on to us so fast.

What did you give that lassie behind the counter?

Nothing. Just a sweetie.

Was it one of your grooming sweeties?

Eh? The ones with your phone number wrote on the wrapper?

Aye. Ya dozy bastard!

Who do you think you are?! Right, get your butts out the cowp now, mon.

What for? Just for swearing? No, for being a pair of cheap blagging wallapurs.

Get out my pub, the pair of you, you're giving this place a bad name.

Oh, catch a grip of yourself, it was a victimless crime.

Your arse! You've stood at that bar for years, ranting on about the bankers.

But give you half a chance and you're greasing up your podgy digits

and rolling around in the trough like the rest of them.

You should be ashamed of yourselves. Any lower and you'd get a knighthood.

Hey, steady the bus. I've got my pride.

It's the way we roll, sweetheart, you know, deal with it.

You don't roll, you slither.

I'm surprised at you, Rab.

So you're skint...big wow! So's the whole of Govan!

But try helping other folk rather than lining your own pockets.

Right, out!

Give me 20 minutes and I'll come back with a witty ad lib, you know.

BIRDSONG

See to a scumball...ethics is a queer thing, you know.

I mean, if somebody calls me shite, I'm happy,

because, well, I've fulfilled my contractual obligation, sort of.

But when somebody says they expected better of me,

well, that...that is when the flaming spear of human decency

lodges in my sphincter, you know.

HE SIGHS I mean, see that Jeanette,

she's actually just a moaning-faced bitch

but, well, she got me thinking.

And having thunk... This is what I've came up with.

MUSIC

BOW TWANGS ARROW THUNKS

FANFARE

You see that? You see that there?

To this day, I still get a spiritual hard-on

when I hear the thunk of that arrow into that tree.

It is never too late to un-Friar Tuck yourself,

you know what I'm saying?

Mary, it's me.

Er...there's been a wee bit of an incident, you know.

Did you see that bit on the telly? What the hell are you playing at?!

I send you up the food bank for a loaf and the next thing

you're on the news for blagging a building society!

'What the hell's going on?' I'm up the woods in the park.

What, Cotter's no started up that coven again, has he?

No! I cannae come home, can I? The bizzies know where I live.

Oh, tell me about it. They've been round here twice already. What the hell's going on?

Well, I thought I'd turn over a new leaf, and the woods seemed the right place to do it.

I'm actually going to become the Robin Hood of Govan.

Sorry, this must be a bad line, I thought you said you were going to be...

Aye, the Robin Hood of Govan, you heard right.

I'm going to fight social injustice

and overturn the capitalist hegemony.

Well, see when you've done that, go on and bring us back that loaf.

Listen, hen, I've got to go, I've got to...

I'm interviewing staff here!

PHONE BEEPS

RAB SIGHS

So, you have applied for the position of Merry Man? Correct.

There's only one wee fly in that particular ointment.

To wit, you're no very merry.

In fact, you're a miserable wee bastard.

That was when Jamesie podgered my wife.

I've cheered up a lot since then.

Objection. I merely flicked his wife's bean.

If you cannae celebrate when Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, when can you?!

Hear, hear! I cannae have dissent in the ranks.

Could you live with being a cuckold?

Oh, aye. I was a Rangers supporter during the Craig Whyte era,

I'm used to being gang-banged.

So, er...what kind of salary are you expecting?

Oh, I'm in demand. I've already been offered Workfare

at a salary of absolutely nothing.

Ah, well, there's...there's no way we could match a figure like that.

You better get yourself to fuck.

You don't understand, this isnae about the money.

I'm sick of sitting in my onesie

staring out the window at the drizzle.

Being a Merry Man isn't a job, it's a social duty!

Andra of Burleigh Street is with you!

Well, in that case, what are we waiting for, eh?

There you go, boy.

RAB CHUCKLES

Let's get tore right into the hated capitalist system!

Merry Men, to your weapons!

Er...Rab, can I just point something out here?

The capitalist system has got Trident missiles and unmanned drone AERIEs,

while we have got leafy sticks.

Are you questioning my leadership? Depends.

Do you think I might get my Nat King out of this? Very possibly.

In that case, I am not questioning your leadership! To the barricades!

ALL CHEER

I'm still shaking. They pure came out of nowhere,

said they were establishing a new world order and asked me

where I kept the Vimto and sherbet lemons.

They were quite old.

When they made me empty the till, I was like that.

Then I was like that.

Then I went back to being like that again.

It all happened so... MAN: Quickly?

No...slowly. Like I said, they were old.

One of them tried to give me their number on a sweetie wrapper,

but the leader stopped him.

Do you have any clues to their identity?

They were all wearing hoodies.

The big mental one was the gaffer.

He called hisself... Rab In Hoodie.

It's believed this is the same violent gang

that recently held up a building society.

Police say these men are dangerous

and if spotted should not be approached.

ALL GASP

Fear not, fear not. I am Rab In Hoodie

and this is my Merry Man, Little Jamesie.

Let it be known that the "little" is ironic,

I am hung like a Derby winner.

We have vowed to eradicate social injustice and to take arms...

You'll have to speak up, son, some of us have an aural shortfall.

Listen...here's the deal, right.

HE LAUGHS This country is going down the lavvy pan, right,

and see us scum, we are getting blamed

for knocking off the toilet rolls!

It's not your fault, son. We've all worked hard all our lives,

and for what? To end up in this dump!

Exactly, brother! Exactly!

And our message to the government is this.

You can keep your benefits! You can stuff them.

If they're begrudged, we don't want them!

We the people will not be controlled by mere spondulicks.

We disdain money!

Aye, you might, but we dinnae!

ALL CHEER

Get your paws off the crinklies, you rickedy-legged midden, ya!

This latest attack is said to be politically motivated

and the work of the self-styled Rab In Hoodie.

Outside Govan police station we have Chief Superintendent Murdo Cromer.

Chief Inspector, what can you tell us?

This is the sort of urban terrorism

against which the public need to be protected.

And I give Glasgow this assurance -

I will attack the public

with maximum force in order to protect it.

You say you're protecting the public, but Rab In Hoodie's

gathering a lot of popular support, is he not?

Nonsense!

Wherever I go, ordinary decent people support the police

and our ongoing efforts to rid the city of these...

animals!

BIRDSONG

So er... What's your star sign?

No, no, don't tell me, don't tell me, let me guess.

Taurus.

HE LAUGHS No, nae offence, nae offence,

it's just that the wife's a right cow as well, you know.

Oh, God! Oh, let me gaze into your eyes.

Ya dirty bastard!

I turn my back for five minutes, five minutes,

and the next thing you're fondling the bloody wildlife!

I was just talking to it! It's pet therapy!

And, anyway, we cannae stay in these woods for ever, you know.

This is Scotland, it'll be July soon, we could freeze to death!

You think I don't know that? You think I don't know that?!

That's why I have plans for the future.

What plans?

Civil disobedience, rioting, that kind of thing.

We play wur cards right, Govan could get a theme park out of this.

Yeah. You...you could be on a reality TV show.

Yeah. I mean, do you no want to be

the object of ridicule in a low-budget documentary?

I dream of being the object of ridicule in a low-budget documentary.

Well, remember, we are a team!

That means keeping our shape, keeping our discipline,

and that also means keeping your mitts off of anything that moos.

This is our once in a lifetime chance

to haul ourselves out the gutter.

Do you really want to mess that up for the sake of a pair of udders?

COW MOOS

You're right, Rab.

It's now or never!

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood With his band of men... # ALARM

Thinking of changing your debts into one single easy repayment?

Well, try Rab Loans. Simply ram a gun up a shop assistant's arse

and get 10K instantly. HE LAUGHS

Oh! Hey, here. HE CHUCKLES

Never mind the food bank, get your arse up to Waitrose.

Take it. Take it. Go.

Come on, Rab!

HE LAUGHS Take a taxi.

# Robin Hood, Robin Hood Riding through the glen...#

Calling all students, workies and unemployed comfort eaters!

The Paris buns are on Rab In Hoodie!

ALL CHEER

Jamesie. Jamesie, get the driver, get the driver!

Andra, Andra, the door! DOOR HISSES

People of the bus...be not afraid.

We...we come not to harm you or to mischief make. HE LAUGHS

Wait a minute, I know you.

You're that guy off the TV news. You're Rab In Hoodie!

Well, I er...I may be Robin Hood,

but sadly I'm also a robbing bastard!

But you don't have to take our money,

we'll give it to you, willingly!

We were all just talking about you.

We so appreciate what you're doing.

Don't we, everyone? ALL: Yes!

Oh, well, in that case,

let our dear Queen's head hit our traditional Scottish Lidl bags!

ALL CHEER

Oh, thank you very much, sir, that's lovely.

Oh, most generous.

# ..Robin Hood With his band of men

# Feared by the bad

# Loved by the good

# Robin Hood... #

Well, thanks for meeting me, Mary. Oh...nae bother, Louise.

I know the readers of my column will be fascinated to learn

about the woman behind Rab In Hoodie.

Well, sometimes I'm behind him,

other times I'm in front of him dragging him home by his ankles!

I am that proud of him, though.

You should be proud of yourself too. How do you mean?

Well, if he's Rab In Hoodie, you know what that makes you? What?

Maid Mary-ion. Maid Mary-ion? Hmm.

Oh, that's went straight to my nips!

Give me the skinny, what's Prick Turpin been up to now?

Local telly, radio features... stories in the papers.

Ah, Christ! He's giving out ?50 notes with food parcels.

Being good to people. That old trick.

He'll stop at nothing, the slimy bastard.

But that's not the bad part.

Christ! There's two of them!

But not for long, sir.

We're onto them.

I know...I miss you too.

But see when I come back, I am going to unleash my wand of passion

and make hot steaming... Are you talking to your wife?

Don't be repulsive! I'm talking to his wife.

Ask her what's for dinner. We're starving here!

Babette, listen the bizzies are everywhere and we cannae show face,

so could you smuggle us over some...

Aye, all right.

She cannae come over, she's watching the box set of Downton Abbey.

I bought her that.

Maybe we could kill a cow?

Yous arenae touching Rihanna!

Rihanna?!

Good God, it's an animal! Don't get sentimental!

She might be an animal to you,

but she's the only thing that's kept me sane in this wilderness!

She, Jamesie?!

Listen, would...would it make a difference to you

if I was to point out

that Rihanna does not have udders...she has bollocks!

That doesnae alter anything.

I believe in gay marriage.

And if a couple love each other... I believe in gay marriage too,

but...but society has yet to take that first breakthrough step

that will allow us to...to stoat about the countryside willy-nilly,

podgering the wildlife, let alone sticking a ring on its hoof

and taking a mortgage out on a cow shed in joint names!

Are you with me? Aye.

You're saying...I'm ahead of my time.

That's what I'm saying Jamesie, that's what I'm saying, aye.

One day... Shh!

WHIRRING

What is it? Shh! ROTORS WHIR

Tights. A bird's just crossed her legs in Cessnock!

You're imagining it! No, he's right, I heard something too!

It's the police! How did they find us?!

DOGS BARK The bloody mobile phones!

They traced the mobile signal! What'll we do, Rab? Should we give ourselves up?

DOGS BARK Never! Never!

We will stand here and we will hold our ground!

SIREN But first, get yourselves to fuck.

DOGS BARK

SIREN

OWL HOOTS

# How bright we shine

# How fast we run at the dawning of the day

# But as the night descends on us

# Our fears come out to play. #

We cannae go on like this!

Listen it's...it's important here to keep our spirits up.

Here's another one.

Who said, "If you think you're too small to make a difference,

"try sleeping with a mosquito"?

Who would want to sleep with a mosquito?!

You after three pints.

It was the Dalai Lama, all right?

The Dalai... All right, fair enough, it wasnae one of his best ones.

In fact... See, come to think of it, I hate the speccy wee bastard.

Cutting about in a pair of living-room curtains,

dispensing wisdom all over the shop.

Can't you shut up about the Dalai Lama?!

SIREN It's them again!

ROTORS WHIR How did they find us?!

SIREN Did you phone home?!

No...it was an accident!

My...my phone was in my back pocket,

it was an arse redial!

All right, it wasn't an accident.

SIREN NEARS I miss my wife.

Aye, I know what you mean.

I miss his wife too.

I'm fed up being a Merry Man!

And I'm fed up being Rab In bloody Hoodie.

Let's face it, boys...the bizzies is closing in on us.

We have one last chance...one last chance at a dirty big blag,

then we get the hell out of Dodge with the proceeds.

Hey, what do you think, Mary? It's green, does that make it healthy?

Some things are born green, Ella,

others have greenness thrust upon them.

Have you heard any more from Rab? Oh, he was on the phone last night.

He's still promising to get Peaches

the money for that school cruise of hers.

Oh, I'm just worried sick about how he's going to get it.

My mother used to talk about wartime rationing.

Nowadays it's much worse. I know.

Who'd have thought that giant bins like this

would end up being Kinder Eggs for scum, eh?

Ray Mears should do a show about Govan folk surviving in the wild.

ELLA CHUCKLES Any takers?

ELLA LAUGHS Give 'em six months, eh, Mary?

What is it, Mary? Are you all right?

God forgive me, Ella, I think I've come up with an idea.

What is it?

Rationing. Waste not want not, eh?

BIRDSONG

You sure this'll work?

Do yous want to a third act to your lives or do yous not?

Not if it's anything like the first two.

How do we know which one to take?

Shh! Keep your voice down, for God's sake!

Andra, to your post. All right, Rab.

Listen, I don't know a Canaletto from a can of spaghetti,

we are going to have to narrow things down a bit here.

We will use our stealth and our cunning.

Watch this. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Er...excuse me, pal.

Er...my colleague and I are a couple of art connoisseurs

through from Chookerhill, you know?

And we were just wondering which one of these exhibits

is actually priceless and which ones are just a pile of old keech

that you'd fling out your granny's house

after she'd been found dead behind the door kinda style?

Well, in terms of value, I suppose the Rembrandt is the most...

Sorry...do I know you?

Eh? Er... Oh, very possibly, yes.

I'm...I'm actually the host of that popular afternoon television show,

Wife In The Attic. Cash In The Attic! Cash...Cash In The Attic.

And my colleague here has actually had his penis exhibited on the Antiques Roadshow.

Of course...I'd never sell it,

it's been in our family too long.

So...playful incest jokes aside,

where exactly...? Which one is the Rebrand?

Rembrandt. Oh, yes! It's just there.

Oh...look at that!

Ah, yes. Ah, I love these tables.

I love them. But see his three-piece suites, they bring tears to my eyes!

Rembrandt was actually a painter.

It's just up there. Oh, yes, of course!

RAB CHUCKLES

Oh, yes, yes.

His, er... His rotten period. My favourite.

GLASS SHATTERS ALARM

Excuse me, gentleman.

Quick, Jamesie, the fiendish...switcheroo!

Charles Saatchi did it. He...he throttled me and ran away!

HORN BLARES

Great news! Go on. My producer loves your idea.

You're kidding?! A return to wartime economics.

Hard-pressed women making use of everything around them.

She thinks it'll make a great feature for the magazine show.

Yes! Get it right round ya!

Oh, I mean...what a delightful surprise.

Just one question. We know how interesting your recipes are

in theory, but do they work in practice?

I thought you might ask me that.

Da-da!

On you go.

Do you like crispy duck? Oh, yes, very much.

Well, you'll love this...

it's crispy rat.

Question. Did the fact that this Rembrandt painting

looks nothing like a Rembrandt,

and does not even consist of paint, not alert your suspicion?

I know how this looks.

The further clue is it's signed by the great artist...B

That's ...what drew my attention.

That and the Blu-Tack... at the corners.

At least he gave us a full description, sir.

We know exactly who we're looking for.

All we need to know now is where to find them.

That's simple enough.

If you were a Govan scumball with a Rembrandt stuck up your funnel,

where would you go to offload it?

There's only one place. Correctamundo!

PHONE RINGS

Grandad? Listen, hen, years ago I wanted to go on a school cruise.

The name of the boat was...Nevasa.

That name is still engraved in the pickled walnut

that passes for my heart.

I never made it...but you will.

What?! Listen, I'm meeting a wee man down the docks tomorrow morning.

You be there. You mean it? Grandad, please don't be a fanny merchant.

Don't make me troll you on Twitter. Grandad?

Tomorrow, hen. Tomorrow. Cheerio.

He took the bait, sir. We're closing in.

RADIO CRACKLES

SHIP'S HORN

GULLS SCREECH

Fair takes me back to my schooldays.

Standing in an alleyway with an old master between my legs.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello.

Aye, aye, aye, it's me.

Of course I've got the painting! Have you got the money?

What? Step...step forward and reveal myself?

OK, OK. Wilco. Yeah, Wilco.

Stepping forward...now.

HE SIGHS

Christ! There's never a dull moment being scum, is it, eh?

One minute you're queuing up for an Atos test, for Christ's sake,

and the next minute you're an art thief...

and the Errol Flynn of Pollokshaws.

HE LAUGHS

The things we do for love.

Grandad!

Peaches!

Grandad! Peaches! SIREN

Oh, for fuck's sake!

SIREN

RAB GROANS

Hello, Robin.

I'm the big bad sheriff.

You think you're going to stop me, don't you?

Well, I'll tell you this, boy, see my Merry Men?

My Merry Men are out there!

All right, Rab?

Nae luck, eh, Rab?

HE SIGHS

On occasions like these, I normally make a big showboating speech,

you know something along the lines of

'Tis a far, far better thing I do now than I've ever done before"

sort of style. But, well, sometimes words just don't say enough.

RAB GROANS

PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS

Hello. Nana...where are you?

Where I'll always be, hen.

Oh...Nana!

MARY LAUGHS

I suppose you just cannae always get what you want, eh?

Ah, never you mind, hen.

I'll tell you what, you want to see me

make an arse of myself on the telly this morning? Might cheer you up.

Aye, why no?

Today on the Wan Show we'll have fun, sun, song and testicular cancer.

But first, I'm with social rebel Mary "Hoodie" Nesbitt.

In these harsh times, Mary has some urban recipes

that absolutely anyone can afford. Am I right?

Oh, yes, that is correct, Louise.

Take the urban fox... and I do mean take it.

Just grab one by the throat, then batter it over the head

with an empty ginger bottle

till it staggers then falls.

Then drag it home, bung it in the blender and...voila!

There we have it. Fox in the Box!

Another quick idea is bin-lid tempura.

Very popular in Germany after the war.

Just take one bin lid from a top-quality restaurant

and your man's old chib.

Then scrape the glabber off into delightful slivers.

Any other...tips, Mary? Oh, yes, indeed, Louise.

Shoplifting! Now, those dirty great deep big pockets of...

I think that's all we've got time for.

Moving on...

I get it. I should just learn my place, right?

Accept that we're both just a couple of losers.

Speak for yourself, hen.

See, after that went out, I got a phone call from a publisher.

And he wants to put a photo of Mary Hoodie

on the front cover of a new cookbook for the unwaged.

So I said, "All right, pal, a grand in the hand, and it's yours."

And what did he say? Look at that!

You see that, that is a boarding pass

for that dirty great big cruise ship over there

that's leaving in ten minutes.

Well, have you got nothing to say?

Aye, but you better cover your ears.

Ya fucking dancer!

Go on. On you go, quick! Quick!

They'll wait for you. Peaches, bye!

Bye!

HORN

# The game was played

# The race was run

# The sheriff won the hunt

# No sympathy for Rab and C

# For the judge he was a.... #

Are you sure this is going to work?

Of course it's going to work.

It worked for the Count of Monte Cristo, didn't it?

Aye, aye, but he made an arse of it.

He ended up burrowing into the cell next door. Ah, well, that's...

That's where we're smarter.

Our cell is right on the end.

You've thought this through, Rab.

And one floor up. And one floor up?

Above the sewage tank!

BOTH SCREAM

RAB SPLUTTERS

Jamesie! Jamesie!

Ohh!

Christ knows I'm not ambitious,

but I'd always hoped to die IN the gutter, not fucking underneath it!

You know our mistake in life, Jamesie?

We've always... We've always burrowed down,

we should have been...burrowing up.

Up? Up?!

How can you burrow up?! Up?!

Forget tunnels. Forget tunnels!

We will...we will join the prison woodworking class

and we will build...a glider!

Oh, hell, yeah!

BOTH: # Robin Hood, Robin Hood

# Riding through the glen

ALL: # Robin Hood, Robin Hood With his band of men... #

What are you looking at anyway? Eh?

What are you looking at? Away and find your own song to sing.

Go on, away you go! Beat it!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Beat it!