Holiday Rab C Nesbitt

Nesbitt, we know you're in there!

Hey, Rab, gie them the two fingers!

While we're on the subject what are your names, by the way?

We're not on your books. You've got no hooks in the Cotters!

Everything is bought and paid for, including our continental holiday.

We're going to the Costa del Sol!

But no' the touristy part of the Costa del Sol.

We're going to the old quaint fishing village part. You stumer!

Look, boys, there she is!

They've spotted us. You better do something quick

Is it time, Da? Is it time?

Aye, son.

Bring out Big Betsy.

He-l-lo!

Burney, son...

-break out the ammo.

-Right, Da.

This is Comfydown Furnishings. Give us our sleep centre!

I'll give you sleep centre, all right!

It'll be the BIG sleep for you.

Beat it. It's worse than the Alamo!

Aye, run, you... Go on!

Burn, duvet, burn!

You stupid wee messing. That duvet's bought and paid for.

Sorry, Ma, I thought it was just the valance we owned.

D'you think they'll be back, Da?

They'll probably wait till dark then rush us with a court order.

-But we'll be ready for them, eh?

-Bloody right!

-Mary, hen, what's the matter?

-Don't you talk to me, Rab Nesbitt.

I'm sick of living like this! Look at my good duvet.

I smoked like a beagle in a laboratory to get enough coupons to buy this!

It's always the same. All our lives we've had nothing.

Everything turns to ashes.

Look, Da, I found another one sneaking behind the burst settee on the back green.

No, honestly! You've got it wrong. I don't want anything FROM you. I want to give you something.

I tell you this, I'll give YOU something. Gash, get my tomahawk.

No, honestly it's true. Look!

Give me the bloody thing!

"Holiday to Ken." Who the hell's Ken?

No, it says "Holiday TOKEN." Token! Look.

"Congratulations on winning a holiday for 4 in the Costa del Sol." Thank you for buying our oven chips.

I only bought them to flirt with the age of technoculture.

Mrs Nesbitt, you're a winner!

Me!?

A winner!

Watch!

What's the matter wi' you?

It's just this is the first time I've got out a motor without a blanket over my head.

We don't want to be late. MUTTERS

TANNOY: 'We regret to announce the Malaga flight

'will be delayed by three hours.'

Great! Brilliant, eh?

Three hour delay, eh?

Hey, that'll gie us all more time to watch the airies coming in and that.

Will you chuck it? Act miserable.

We don't want people to think we've never been abroad before. ..Delays.

I don't care. I'm lapping it up.

If Rab was here my life would be complete.

Jamesie! Jamesie, look! We've won a holiday.

Thanks, God. If you could just do something about the damp in our scullery?

NOISES FROM SPACE INVADER

Morning, dolls. Allow us for to introduce ourselves.

-My name's Burney. This is my brother Gash.

-Hi, there.

There's only one thing you need to know about us.

-I like my bacon crispy in the mornings and he likes his rare. See you in Spain.

-Buenas sera.

No! Don't bomb them out yet.

The waiters might be pigs.

DRUNKEN SINGING

Would passengers please refrain from stamping their feet and goosing the stewardesses.

Get your hands off the goods, pal!

And you are? Nesbitt, Mrs Nesbitt.

He's with you? Hi, welcome.

Have a nice holiday.

Hi, son. How are you?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Spain. My name's Andy.

You must be tired so I'll let you get off to bed.

First, I'll answer the two questions I know are on everyone's lips.

The exchange rate is 170 pesetas to the pound. And yes, you CAN drink the water.

-We'll sleep tonight knowing that.

-Don't you understand the money?

I know about the money. I was just wondering what water was?

Just a wee bit of role play there. Let everyone know who the character is.

Manolo will take you to your rooms. So, goodnight, everyone.

Goodnight! Goodnight, ANDY!

Goodnight, Andy!

Sod off, Andy.

While you're here you're an ambassador for Govan. Move it!

This is your room.

-Ohhh!

-He-l-l-o!

Gracias.

Oh, Rab! Is this no' the last word in class and sophistication, by the way?

-You're no' kidding.

-Let me look at the mattress.

Never heed the mattress! We're in Spain for God's sake. Spain!

Who'd have thought we'd see the day

when trash like us was buying stuff like flip flops and insect repellant?

Aye, you're right, Rab!

Two weeks all to ourselves.

A once in a lifetime chance to deepen our relationship.

To discover the hidden Rab and Mary Nesbitt.

That's me ready. Want to try some of that Continental swally?

Oh. Wait a wee minute. Better get cleaned up.

Right. That's me.

Mary, you can start looking for the hidden you.

The hidden me's easier to find. This'll give you a head start.

-Right, Jamesie.

-See you, Mary, hen.

Now listen, Rab, I think we should just have a couple.

-We don't want to get too blootered the first night.

-Aye.

We'll just have one or two by way of a nightcap.

Well, good morning, everybody! Are we all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

Yes, Andy!

Oh well, perhaps not all of us.

This morning we'll discover the Old Town. Over to your left

is the quaint old fisherman's wine bar.

LOUD SNORING Ayee!

I LOVE doing that, so I do.

I can't honestly say that I like men. Do you?

-I've never thought about it.

-You should.

See me. I think about nothing else.

-See that. That's been a millstone round my neck all my life.

-Ella?

Curl up and die!

You know the only men I've ever admired apart from Red Adair?

-No, who?

-Butchers.

Often I hang around the cutting blocks in their shops

-hoping to hear them keen their blades in the grinders.

-What do you dae that for?

Wishful thinking, I suppose.

-What about you? What is it you want from Rab?

-Well...

Consciousness would be a start.

That's the great thing about being on holiday

you get the chance to do things you wouldn't normally do at home.

Oh, aye? And what have you done?

Apart from walk across the room without chips sticking to your feet.

That's great. You've got spirit. >

(Sarky cow.)

Well, everyone, that concludes our journey for this morning.

It's still a nice day. You'll all be wanting to discover the beach.

Yes. Yes, ANDY!

ALL: Yes, Andy!

Hi, Sexy!

Shut it, Shorty.

Melones!

Melones.

Who are you calling a melon?

Go on get away! You get...

-Look at that.

-Cor... Ya beauty!

You'd think you'd never seen a lassie before. The human body is perfectly natural.

Are you going topless then, Ma?

Certainly not! It's disgusting.

Thank Christ.

Shut it! Don't be so sexist.

Your mother has marvellous tits.

Louder, Rab, someone in Kirkcaldy might have missed that (!)

I'm away for a wee donner. See if I can find a Daily Record.

Hey, Ma... Can you get snow blindness in the Costa del Sol?

No. How? I was just wondering.

-This the game. This is what I call living.

-You watch yourself.

Don't overdo it on the first day.

Rubbish. I have worked on building sites in the white hot heat of Paisley.

I have toiled naked, under my boiler suit, at the Parkhead Forge.

Hell has no surprises for Jamesie Cotter.

So, come on you dirty, great yellow beauty, and DO your worst!

I'll tell you, see for a bloke like me, this takes some getting used to.

Scum in the sun! I've never seen this much daylight.

In fact, the nearest thing I have got to a suntan

is when the polis shine a torch in my face when I'm lying drunk on a Saturday.

I'll need to get into the holiday mood.

Excuse me, Jim, where did you get the gear an' that, eh?

Eh...the gear?

I lap that up. It's pure gallus.

Lap it up? Gallus?

Aye. The troosers. Troosers?

-The pantalones.

-Ah! Pantalones.

-There.

-In there?

Cheers. All the very best to you, chief. Good man.

I'm for a wee dod of this.

Look at this, boy.

This is the REAL me coming out now.

See underneath all that chip fat and soot I'm just like Glasgow

I have been sartorially sandblasted. That's me, boy.

That's the trouble with the British abroad. They're too shy, too timid.

Excuse me, Jim, where will I get a Daily Record?

-Eh?

-You know, Daily Recordo.

Eh, moaning face Scottish rag.

Ah, moaning face Scottish rag!

-There.

-Up there?

Good.

Em... Gibraltar... Viva Franco and that!

They're chuffed if you try and learn the lingo.

Of course I haven't quite mastered the accent.

WHIMPERING

My back...

Oh, my back! El backo, senor.

No! No! Finito!

Ella, Ella! Ella, I'm in agony.

Could you keep your screaming down? I don't want the whole beach to know I married a stumer.

You're a hard woman, Ella Cotter.

This is the nearest I've come to a hot flush since we married.

SOBS HYSTERICALLY

My back! El backo!

My front! Oh God!

HYSTERICAL WEEPING

That was a wee bit much, Ella.

So what? It's only a man, in't it.

-That'll give him a glimmer of how a Caesarian feels.

-Aye.

You're looking a wee bit rough.

You'll need to stay on the beer this afternoon.

WHIMPERING

Melones. Oh, bugger off!

Look at the state of your patio!

What are you titivating for?

-Are you meeting that lassie?

-She's for 6 months quarantine when we get back.

At least he's got some romance in his disposition.

You're right. For once in my life there's magic in the air.

Hey, it's no' just magic.

Look at that. Who says miracles don't happen?

It's snowing in the Costa del Sol.

In the name of God!

It's a wonderful world and no mistake! Eh?

I mean, have you seen it?

Come on, take a wee look. There it is.

There it is in all its glory.

It's got the sky there...

It's got the sea and it's got the ground.

It's got the whole works.

See, if you take a real close look it's the most marvellous colour scheme.

D'you see that? See the way the sky just blends with the sea?

You cannae buy that, you know. You cannae buy it.

You're a marvellous interior decorator, God.

I tell you, I am glad I have bought a new pair of shoes.

Because sometimes, sometimes it's a privilege to walk in this world.

# Here we go, here we go Here we go

# Here we go, here we go... #

You know the only thing that spoils it?

Shite like me.

And them.

Look at them sitting there

with their big ba' faces and their arteries full of Cookeen. Kidding on they're playboys.

Well, they're no' playboys.

You're no' playboys!

You are NOT playboys.

You're just trash in new kaks, same as me!

-Piss off, you Scotch git.

-Don't you give me piss off, boy!

I'll come over there and give you a severe doing, you swine!

Go on! Bugger off!

I tell you something. I'm glad I'm miserable.

Life's no' going to buy off Rab C Nesbitt with the Birdy song and a dose of the skitters.

-I will walk alone, boy.

-I

-will walk alone.

Universe is it? Universe?

Harmony!

Why am I telling you this? You don't know what I mean.

Nobody knows what I mean!

EXCITED RANTING IN SPANISH

Bandage! Bandage!

Oui, bandage. Bandage, ja. Bandage.

TORRENT OF SPANISH

You tell the bastards! Tell 'em!

SPANISH

Hands across the sea, brother.

-Adios!

-Adios!

Did you see that?

My God...

there's nothing that restores your faith more in human nature

than meeting some poor bastard as mad as yourself.

Hello, doll. All right?

Aye, fine, Mr Nesbitt. Me and Gash are having a wee walk. I won't be late back.

That's all right, son. You take all the time in the world.

Away you go.

See that? He doesn't realise it's all downhill from there.

GOOD morning, everyone!

ALL: Morning, Andy.

Are we bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

See if he says that one more time I'll punch his lights out!

What's wrong with your lovely ladies? Too much sangria?

They got blootered on Carlie special to dodge listening to your patter.

Jamesie, come on now. Come on.

Nae offence intended there, pal. He's just a wee bit upset.

-Your patter IS humming, though. I mean that constructively.

-So bugger off, please.

Go on!

Don't you worry about it, Jamesie.

Seeing as how this is our last night, we'll go pure mental.

-Do something we've never done before.

-What's that?

Stay sober.

Sobriety!?

I've heard about that, pal, but never had the nerve to try it.

Ach, what am I holding back for! Count me in. You're on.

-That's the game, Jamesie!

-Shhh...

Just keep stumm for now.

We don't want the lassies to think we're turning degenerate.

(Shh. Say nothing.)

LAUGHTER

This is the drunkest I've felt in years and I haven't had a dram.

Me neither. See if I could buy this high at Vickie Wines

I'd have a half bottle in my bag every day.

You know something, Mary...

I've never told you this before...

See you, Mary, you're a fine-looking woman.

And you're...

a fine-looking man, Jamesie.

In the name of God!

I've never felt this jaked in years and I haven't had a swallow yet.

Aye, it's really quite pleasant.

I've never telt you this...

but you're a helluva good-looking woman.

And I've never telt you this, Rab Nesbitt...

See you...

you're an ugly-looking bastard!

And if you don't take your mitts off of me I'll skewer your tackle with my manicure set.

Oh, I see!

It's like that, is it? It's like that?

Hey! Burt Lancaster!

-What?

-If I'm no' getting yours, you're no' getting mine!

FIGHTING CONTINUES

What's that noise, Burney?

-Is that somebody coming?

-No.

Someone coming doesn't sound like that. Someone coming sounds like this...

PANTING AND GRUNTING

I'll really miss you. I'll write every day.

In fact, I'll get "True Love" tattooed on my knuckles.

I'll never forget you, either.

Cheers, doll. All the best. I might give you a phone sometime. Take care of yourself.

Where's Nesbitt? Have you seen him?

I couldn't see the heid on the top of a pint just now.

This way, Jamesie.

That's the thing about going on holiday. It's nice to get away

but it's nice to get back to normal again.

< Get him!

Hasta la vista, you bas...

Subtitles by Irene Noble BBC Scotland 1991.