Christmas Special Rev.

# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-On the mountain

-# I couldn't hear nobody pray

-In the valley

# I couldn't hear nobody pray. #

ALARM PLAYS TUNE

# Last Christmas I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave it... #

Happy Christmas Eve-Eve.

Be quiet.

All right.

I didn't get too drunk, did I?

Why do you insist on dancing like that?

I like the music. I like Rihanna.

Oh!

Must go and help the needy.

# In the valley. #

HE WHISTLES JINGLE BELLS

SNORING

Colin? Colin?

It's time to get everyone up. Morning.

Any problems during the night?

I kept the riff raff in order.

I'd better get the poor sods up.

Oi, Goran! Shake a leg.

Come on, scum bags! Doss time's over!

Colin!

I hate this time of year.

Sorry to hear that.

It's miserable if you haven't got a family.

The only thing to do is spend the whole of Christmas pissed.

Right up to New Year.

Christmas technically ends on the 6th of January.

Perfect. I'll stay pissed till then, then.

Alex and I are doing Christmas lunch at the vicarage this year

for people who'd be on their own, otherwise.

-Please come if you'd like.

-Magic.

Thanks, Adam. I'd love to. Who's cooking? Not you, is it?

-We both are.

-Oh.

-Alex, mostly.

Thanks.

Oh, great. Tell her I like pigs in blankets, with lots of blankets.

Less sprouts. Sprouts make me fart like Satan's dog.

-Oh! Beans?

-Beans?

I could see my sister but, to be honest, the thought of staying in

with a ready meal and watching all of Downton Abbey is much more appealing.

Sounds lovely. I wish I had that option.

Shall I bring in the first victims?

Thanks for doing this. Your predecessor used to hate it. OK.

Well, well, well. Who do we have here? Ho-ho-ho.

That's a shit voice. You're not Father Christmas.

-Chloe!

-Yeah, you're Father Adam.

No, I'm not, I'm Father Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.

-Can we just have our presents now?

-Have you both been good?

-Give it.

-Chloe!

-Here you are.

-Happy Birthday, Santa.

Have a Happy Christmas.

Oh. Two down, 53 to go.

I am knackered.

Any chance of a...festive blow job?

Yes, please.

-Oh, hi, Martin.

-Adam, Dad's here.

-Yes. Hello.

-Adam.

-Dad's going to be staying with us over Christmas.

Oh, are you? That's wonderful news. Wonderful. Ch... Change of plans.

Gemma's kids have got measles. She can't have me this year.

Oh, no.

Shall I make some tea and then maybe we could play a Christmas game?

That sounds nice. Can we play Risk?

-You always win that.

-That's why I want to play it.

HE LAUGHS

Remember last time we played? Adam should have won, but he failed to secure his hold on Africa.

Ended up losing, then threw a tantrum.

-Oh, yes.

-No, I didn't.

You went to do that Sydney Harbour Bridge jigsaw in your bedroom.

-No, I didn't.

-You stamped upstairs like a seven-year-old.

-Oh, you ought to be more ruthless, darling.

-Yes.

Be a ruthless vicar.

Talking of losing battles, have you had the roof fixed yet?

Er, no, not yet, no.

We have to deal with a hopeless man called the Diocesan Property Manager.

Can't you just get on with it yourself?

Oh, I'm sure the Lord will provide.

Eventually.

I'll just go and help Alex with the tea.

Did Gemma give them measles on purpose?

Oh, don't say that. He's my dad,

and he's still recovering from his op.

A normal Christmas might be fun, for a change.

We don't do a normal Christmas. I don't want to have to cancel

the waifs and strays lunch. It's important.

-You don't have to.

-How will your dad fit in? He's a social hand grenade.

He's not. That's not fair. He's charming when he's had a few drinks.

Lunch will be fine. I'm sure when we tell him how important it is to us,

he'll be the life and soul...

Get out, before I call the police!

No, I'm calling the police. Quick!

Call the pigs! He's stealing your shit!

-Let go of him, Colin!

-That's my dad!

I popped in for a quick dump and

found him half-inching your Glenfiddich.

Colin, for goodness sake, let go of him.

Do you know this man?

What? Er, yes, this is Colin.

Are you friends with this psychotic tramp?

Well, er, yes.

-That's my dad, Colin.

-Yeah, right!

Like your own dad's going to break into your home and start stealing your booze!

ALARM PLAYS TUNE

# We're walking in the air

# We're floating in the moonlit sky. #

Happy Christmas Eve.

Good party, I thought, by Stepney Diocese standards.

I even got a few laughs out of your dad.

It's only cos you did the conga.

It's always good to do the conga.

Not on your own.

HE GROANS

# In the valley. #

-Have you put out the service sheets yet?

-'Service sheets for what, Adam?'

For the Carols at the crib, the Christmas Tree and the Bring a Toy service.

-'I'm a bit busy.'

-You need to get on with that.

-'Is that you coming up...?'

-You've hardly started.

If you'd stopped phoning me, I could have started.

I can do six things at once, Adam, I can't do seven.

Come on, let's get this stick-a-candle-up-an-orange

production line moving.

Not content with Easter becoming a chocolate and bunnies festival,

we now try and seduce children in during Advent with yet more sweets.

-Put a ribbon round that.

-We indulge all these people who come to church once a year.

I love the fact the church is full at Christmas.

I hope your sermon will redress the balance and remind people of the true meaning of Christ's birth.

No, I'm not attacking commercialisation of Christmas.

Christmas is a time of joy. Let nothing you dismay.

If I have to remind one more person that it's not technically Christmas

until Christmas Day itself,

it is Advent, I think I will go sweet bananas.

The checkout girl at M&S couldn't have been less interested when I explained it.

Given your bah-humbug mind-set, you'll be delighted to know that

Alex and I have decided not to buy each other presents this year.

-Save the time. Save the money.

-Mm. Good for you.

I bet she buys you something. I've heard of couples trying

-this sort of thing before. Someone always gives in.

-No, we mean it.

We've initiated a no-buy zone.

Don't forget that you need to see Joan today.

I know. I'll do it later. I've got three funerals to fix first.

Come on! Pick it up, ribbon section.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

There's been a crime, Adam.

Someone has stolen the camels from the Nativity.

Really? OK, never mind. Er, can you rearrange it, so it looks all right?

Never mind? This is theft, Adam.

This is robbery.

How are the Wise Men meant to have arrived without camels?

By taxi?

On cows. Have you got any cows?

A Wise Man on a cow?

Crossing the desert by cow?

# In the valley. #

Joan, I'm so sorry I didn't get to you yesterday.

MUSIC: "Mistletoe And Wine"

I do hope you get this message. I'll definitely see you tonight. Bye.

-That's all our mince pies.

-Yes.

-You can't do that.

-What?

-You're depriving other customers.

-What? No, I'm not.

-Eating all those. You fat pig.

-No, they're not all for me.

It's for a service. If I ate all those, I'd be dead.

You can't have 'em. You can have four boxes.

That's 24 pies. I need ten times that.

I ain't selling them to ya.

Right, I see.

Happy Christmas.

-His name's Mustard. Colonely Mustard.

-I call him Custard.

Hi, hi. Oh, that looks fun.

-Just need to take our mince pies, if that's OK?

-Yes.

Remember to leave some for us. Do you want a glass?

I think it was Custard in the Drawing Room with a knife.

I say knife, more like a machete, it was.

-He cut the victim's head clean off.

-Oh!

It was a horrendous crime and Custard must be brought to justice.

So, if I don't see you later, I'll see you at Midnight Mass.

-What's that?

-Midnight Mass is the beginning of Christmas on Christmas Eve.

Yes, I know what it is. Are you expecting us to go?

-Er, well...

-I always go, Dad.

Well, I'm sure you do when I'm not here.

I'm looking forward to a night in with my daughter.

It's only an hour or so. I probably ought to go.

Why? To be Debbie McGee to his Paul Daniels?

SHE LAUGHS

Well, you stay here this year, darling, really.

-It's important to be with your dad.

-Are you sure?

Mm-hmm. Yes, yes, of course. Really. I must fly.

C'mon, Custard, drawing room, knife.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that. Merry Christmas.

Yeah.

Trick or Treat!

-Colin, Trick or Treat's Hallowe'en.

-Oh, yeah.

# Ding dong, merrily on high In heaven, bells are ringing. #

Colin, stop. I see the drinking plan's going well.

Yeah, Christmas is one long office party, isn't it?

Except they threw me out of The Three Greyhounds, so I thought

-I'd have a drink at your office.

-Ah! This isn't my office.

Eh, you know about your Christmas lunch?

Is it all right if I come round a bit early, like the day before?

Colin, I'm afraid the plan's changed.

We're not able to do the Christmas lunch here this year.

I'm very sorry.

Are you turning me away as well?

No, no, no. It's not personal.

It's just that we've got Alex's dad staying with us, who you've met.

The Winter Shelter Charity do a Christmas lunch at the church,

if you'd like to go to that instead?

-I'll be popping along...

-You want me to have lunch with the homeless scum?

You think I'm homeless?

-Well, fuck you, Santa!

-Hey, don't be like that.

I'm sorry you can't come to lunch this year. Take this back.

-No, you take it back.

-Don't push me. Argh!

You said you were me friend.

You said you were me friend.

Arrrgh!

-My God, what happened? Are you OK?

-Oh, I'm fine. Don't worry.

-What happened?

-Colin, drunk.

But he hit you? That arsehole! Do you want to call the police?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's fine. It's Christmas.

It doesn't actually hurt that much.

Bound to happen sooner or later, round here.

Maybe you should get a guard dog.

I was thinking it would be good for you two to get a dog.

-If you're not going to have kids...

-Yeah. Bye.

'Ow! This eye hurts. Poor crazy Colin.

'To be driven to something like that. It's terrible.

'Gosh, Christmas is such a difficult time for everyone, isn't it? Ow!

'It can make people behave in extraordinary, desperate ways,

'can't it, Lord?

'It's important to remember, even more so at this time of year

'when there's so many distractions,

'to think of those less fortunate that ourselves.

'Well, I'm glad I finally made it to see Joan

'but, bloody hell, I'm knackered.

'Only one day to go. Nearly there.

'Oh!'

You'll be delighted to know that the Perpetuity Christmas Carol Service

was a huge success in terms of church takings.

Has someone hit you?

Er, no, it's fine. Never walk round the back of a reindeer.

Do you think you're an elf, Adam?

Yes, I do. We took £2,500 just from that service.

Your predecessor used to make five.

No, he didn't, did he?

I'm all for priests being icons of Christ in the community,

but this is taking it a bit too far. Who hit you?

So, £2,500 plus we made 600 quid by

singing carols at the cash point in the tube station.

Yes, I got a letter of complaint from Transport for London.

You probably didn't get much vicar bashing in Shropshire.

It's very common here. You ought to report it to the police.

Plus 900 quid from Carols At The Crib, Carols at the Christmas Tree

and the Bring a Toy service gets me to £4,000.

Adam, I set you a target of six. Do you think you'll make that?

Yes, of course. I've still got Midnight Mass.

Oh, you're reinstating that. Aren't you brave?

-Yes. It's going to be great.

-Who hit you?

Where are you going for Christmas?

I'm going to the Reeti Rah in the Maldives.

We're only staying in one of the standard villas,

but we both like it, because it's got its own time zone. Was it Colin?

-Oh! Well, have a nice trip.

-It was Colin.

No, it wasn't.

Er, could you pull over here, please, driver? Thank you.

Well, if you do decide to report Colin, er, sorry, it,

then give me a call. I'll let you take the taxi back to the church.

-Merry Christmas.

-Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, Joan. I'm sorry I'm late...

She passed away a few hours ago.

VACUUM CLEANER STARTS

HE SIGHS

SONG: "Stop The Cavalry"

Merry Christmas, Father Adam.

Oh. Happy Christmas to you, Vince.

Everyone's looking forward to your big service tonight.

HE LAUGHS

Have a good one.

Colin, I don't have time.

Your eye looks terrible.

Yeah, well...

Jesus said turn the other cheek, so you've got to do that, haven't you?

Or you're a bad priest. You'll get Court Martialled.

You want me to turn the other cheek so you can hit that one as well?

Well, go on, then. Hit me.

Do it. Do it!

MUSIC: "Jubilate Deo"

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

If I find the person who did it, they will have a piece of me.

Picking on a helpless, vulnerable vicar who can't defend himself.

Here, have some of this.

No, you naughty woman. That's for afterwards.

Was it Alex?

No, it was not. There were three of them on camels.

You should put arnica on it.

D'you see, Nigel? Amazing turnout.

Yeah, from the pub.

In for a laugh, before they lurch home to open their stockings.

We're the religious equivalent of a kebab.

Oh, come on, Nigel. That's a bit cynical, even for you.

Better make sure we bless enough communion wafers.

Yeah, cos these people have been confirmed.

CROWD CHATTER

Want DVDs? Want D...

CROWD CHATTER LOUDLY

Hello, everyone. Good evening and welcome.

Want DVDs?

What a wonderful sight this is.

Welcome to St Saviour's on this holy night.

Let's all stand to sing our opening carol, which is

one of my personal favourites. Nigel...

MUSIC: "While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night"

# Oh, glory be to God on high

# And on the earth be peace

# Goodwill henceforth from heaven to men

# Begin and never cease...

# While shepherds washed their socks by night

# Whilst watching ITV

# The angel of the Lord came down... #

Thank you.

# ..And switched to BBC. #

The Lord be with you.

You too, mate.

Thank you. Hear the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ...

..wine may be to us the body and the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ...

LAUGHTER

..who, in the same night that he was betrayed, took bread and gave you thanks...

CROWD SING DRUNKENLY

..who broke it and give it to his disciples saying, take, eat...

SINGING CONTINUES

..this is my body, which is given for you.

Do this in remembrance of me.

# ..Holy Lamb of God

# On England's... #

Oi, cut it out!

UNCLEAR YELLING

LAUGHTER

# ..I shall not... #

Oh, gracious mystery of faith.

Why, why are you even singing that?

It's not even a carol.

Do you want a carol? I know a carol that you'll all know.

-Boring.

-Here it is.

# On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me...

# Five gold rings... #

No, no, he didn't.

# Ten office parties 5,000 mince pies

# 45 hospital visits

# One multi-faith ecumenical event

# Too much to do

# Every day, I get up at 5:30

# And then my friend died and I missed it

# But I said I'd be there but I missed it

# And then a man who I thought was my mate came round and

# Hit me in the face

# One black eye!

# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies

# More mince pies!

# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies

# And they cost 2.90 for six

# Can you believe that?

# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies

# Can you believe it?

# Five gold rings! #

DOOR CLOSES

Mini cab for Bob! Anyone called Bob here?

HE SIGHS

ALARM PLAYS TUNE

# I'm dreaming of a white Christmas... #

-Come on. Get up.

-No.

Yes, come on. It's Christmas. It's proper Christmas now.

No, I don't want Christmas.

Yes, you do. You love it.

No. I hate it.

Oh, my God! Look at your eye. Oh, it looks horrible. Poor thing.

Ouch! Oh, it's all right.

Stop trying to be brave. It's not convincing.

I think I did a bad thing last night.

I had a bit of a Christmas Episode during the service.

Did you? How bad was it?

Er, quite bad.

Oh, dear. Sorry I wasn't there.

-I'm going to get something for your eye.

-Mmm.

Oh! It's snowing!

THEY LAUGH

-There you go. Frozen peas.

-Mmm.

Why anyone would choose to move from

Suffolk to Heroin Alley is quite beyond me.

After the service today, the Winter Shelter Charity do

a Christmas lunch for all the homeless at the church.

I'm sorry to change the plan, but I'm going to go to that,

cos I think it's important.

Who'd like to come?

That sounds lovely. Dad?

You must be joking. I don't want an Amnesty International,

Guardian reading, low-carbon, politically correct Christmas.

I want a family Christmas with my daughter and the Queen,

and spuds and turkey and cranberry thing and sauce and gravy.

I'll be there, darling.

-What?

-You can come with us if you like, or you can stay here, but

I'll be at the church.

Well, what am I meant to do? Hmm?

# On the mountain. #

People will think I've gone mad.

See? The word's out. The church is empty.

I think that's just what happens in London at Christmas.

There's a mass exodus. People go and see their families. Don't worry.

More wine, Vicar?

Never going to get through all this.

Well, we have to.

I consecrated enough bread and wine for 150 people last night.

It has to be reverently consumed.

-Thank you.

-What for?

Helping me survive Christmas.

Now, I know we said we weren't going to, but...

-Oh, you didn't!

-I know you secretly wanted me to.

No, I didn't. That's so naughty of you.

-Er, I bet you've got me something.

-I haven't. I really haven't.

No, I know you. I bet you have.

No, I really haven't.

Oh, Adam! It's beautiful. Thank you.

SHE LAUGHS

Actually, I do sort of have a present for you.

Ah-ha! See, I know you.

Hope you like it.

I'm sure I will.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my word.

Are you sure?

Well, it was only a home test, so it's not official-official,

but I did do five of them, so it sort of is.

SHE LAUGHS

CHILDREN LAUGH

Adoha is using mistletoe like a weapon.

-Oh.

-SHE LAUGHS

Hello, one and all.

Nigel.

Merry , I'm happy to say accurately, Christmas.

-Hi, Nigel.

-You're not off to see Uncle Greg?

Fortunately, the snow has relieved me of the opportunity

of travelling to Dunstable to play scrabble with an aggressive drunk.

Oh, well, welcome.

-Colin? Are you coming in?

-Have you forgiven me?

Er, no, I haven't, but it's lunch time, it's Christmas, so are you coming in?

But I'm not worthy to set foot in the church.

I'm worse than a prossie and a tax inspector.

Oh, shut up. Come on in.

But you've got to forgive me.

Oh, all right, you're forgiven.

Come on in.

Nice one, Vicarage.

I'm forgiven. We're all forgiven.

-Well, that's good to hear.

-Dad, you've come.

Well, for some reason, the appeal of watching Wallace and Gromit

with six fish fingers wore off after the first hour.

Martin, I'm so glad you came. Come and have a drink over here.

-Gin and tonic?

-Oh, what a good idea. Lovely. Thank you.

Adoha, I want you to know that I stole your camels

and sold them for cash, then I spent it on lager.

Please forgive me.

You are a bastard. I will not forgive you.

-Ellie! Happy Christmas.

-Happy Christmas.

Are you bored with Downton Abbey?

I finished it all in one sitting.

I didn't like the look of my Christmas ready meal.

-Do you mind if I join you?

-Well, of course. Come on. Over here.

We're having G&Ts.

Thank you.

Archdeacon.

I owe you for that taxi, don't I? How much was it?

£46.30.

Keep the change.

-Happy Christmas from me.

-Thank you.

I thought you were going away?

Because of a tiny bit of snow, all flights are cancelled.

Eighteen hours, I've been stuck in that departure lounge on a

bench in front of Bagel Planet.

Lunch is served.

Stay with us, please.

Come on. We'd be honoured.

Thank you, Adam.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

-Martin...

-Sit there?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Come, come.

And, Martin, would you do the honours?

Yes, go on, Dad.

I think you mean Granddad.

HE LAUGHS

Well, I don't see why not.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

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