Episode 3 Revolting

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

HE SHOUTS

He's not going to stop Trident, he says.

I hope you feel you really have had the full experience now.

Welcome to Inside The Story!

I'm Dale Maily,

fearless hetero journalist who's not afraid to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,

telling you the right way to think.

The BBC, a once-fantastic British institution,

has been rocked by a barrage of scandals, including paedophile

cover-ups, biased news coverage and extortionate executive payoffs.

I'm here at their lavish headquarters to find out why

this Trotskyite Marxist corporation has been taking the Michael

out of the taxpayer for so long.

Why would you say it is value for taxpayers' money?

Cos it costs the equivalent of about a pint of lager a week.

-When did you start just making Marxist propaganda?

-Oh, erm...

Do you work inside the BBC?

As you can see again, silence, just silence, a wall of silence.

Where do they keep the paedophiles?

It's clear I'm not getting any answers from these yoghurt weavers,

so I've decided to penetrate Auntie.

Oh, my God, how much did that cost? Look at that! How much did that...

I mean, that's not from Ikea, is it?

-I mean, what is that? Is this taxpayer subsidised?

-I don't know.

Those clothes - how much did they cost?

-Did the British taxpayer pay for that?

-This is my shirt.

You've got to ask, you've got to ask the...

As a real journalist, I'm getting inside the story.

Ah, come on, go away.

There's a token white person just standing there in the sunlight.

I think you must be ashamed.

Reaching out as a Marxist, lunatic, Trotskyite organisation.

Is that what you want?

Look, they're even saying all the places they're broadcasting to.

Dakkar, Islamabad, Kabul - guilty. Guilty as charged.

Are you interviewing anyone in a foreign language or...?

-Yeah, it's in a foreign language.

-Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And what country is that from?

That's for...from Pakistan.

Really, from Pakistan?

Yeah, this is part of the BBC World Service, so of course...

-Oh, of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you talk to Pakistan every day?

-Yes.

Jesus CHRIST!

Sorry, do you work here?

-Yes, I do.

-And how much do you get paid?

-I'm not sure if I can tell you.

-You've been censored.

Hello, my name's Paapa Essiedu and I was the first black actor to

play Hamlet at the Royal Shakespeare Company up in

Stratford-upon-Avon, but when I'm not doing that,

I play one of the country's most loved characters.

As a young actor,

you're always on the lookout for that breakthrough role

so I play Boris in the classical clown tradition - this affable,

bumbling kind of cuddly bear-type figure

who will just say and do the stupidest things.

Kind of like a five-year-old in a grown man's body.

Oh, yeah, I do all my own stunts.

-Oh, Christ!

-I'm so lucky I've got a great team around me.

There's so much planning that goes into these things,

right down to the tightness of my harness round my bottom to

give me the perfect wedgie.

It took a while to find a voice for Boris, if I'm honest.

And it was called whiff-whaff!

You've got to kind of combine this strange rumble.

Behold this brick.

With saying the stupidest sentences imaginable.

Being blinded by a champagne cork or being reincarnated as an

olive or locked in a disused fridge.

The jeopardy of a stunt is sometimes

as, if not more important, than the humour of it.

There were some particularly troubling unemployment statistics

in the press and we needed something that was funny,

but at the same time shocking to distract away from it and it

was an ad lib, actually.

I remember I was stumbling and trying to run in this suit,

it was quite difficult, and I saw this kid in front of me,

and I thought, "Just go with it."

WHISTLE BLOWS

I mean, sometimes, as an actor,

it's really important to just follow your instincts.

We've got a lot of stuff planned for my stint as Foreign Secretary

so we're deep in rehearsals for that.

Those are our pledges

and those are our peas and... Our pledges!

It's going to be absolutely hilarious! So, stay tuned.

-Hello, I am Anders and this is Ole.

-Hello!

-And we are Chicken Squared.

All I ever wanted to do was design things and maximise space.

When these other children are outside playing,

we are inside increasing efficiency of Mother's spice cupboard.

When we are 15 years old, we have designed the Billy bookcase.

-Billy bookcase.

-For Ikea.

-Ik... Ikea.

This is something that is taking the world by storm.

But, eventually, furniture has become too easy for us, too boring.

We are looking for something different to test ourselves.

We were watching a programme about the horrific state

of mass animal farming in Europe and were deeply shocked

by these poultry farms.

This was something that has made me very upsetting.

We just could not believe the horrific waste of space.

-So, Ole, a bit of space there.

-Oh. It is a space.

Look at all that space there. Look, I'm dancing!

What if, instead of changing the building, you change the animal?

-That is when it hit us.

-Square chickens.

-It just made total ergonomic sense.

-What shape is an oven?

-Square.

-A sandwich?

-Square.

-A refrigerated lorry?

-Square.

-Square.

Ole realised that in much the same way you can bend and

manipulate the human baby, you can do the same with the chickens

so we put the chicks into a square container and whoosh!

The chicken becomes a squicken.

The square chicken has its own identity, its own apartment.

It's a very tight-knit community.

That is Godmorgan, that is Serge, Ivar, Knutson and that is Keith.

That was a cheeky little joke that we have made. Haha!

Hey!

I'm Duckface and I'm an Insta-celebrity and I'm all

about raising awareness about totes important issues using social media.

Let's change the planet one hashtag at a time, babes. Love you!

So, guys, I've just heard that they're being so mean to,

like, whales, which are, like, my favourite creature under the sea.

But what if we just wailed, babes, for whales? Get it?

Wailing for Whales!

HE WAILS

Shut up!

Wailing for Whales on Snapchat!

Wailing For Whales, here with my little bitches?

The Japanese keep whaling.

-Do you know, like, whales?

-Yeah.

-Like the fish?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Have you seen this trending yet?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Did you know that?

-Yeah, I did.

-Wailing For Whales.

I will do it on my Facebook.

-So sexy!

-Thank you.

-She's a bitch, I hate her.

-Oh, my God, it's all about you.

-We have to look after the whales.

THEY SCREAM

Can someone fucking hold this?

THEY WAIL

-I wail for whales, bitches!

-Yeah, that's right, bitches.

She's wailing for whales! What have you done? Nothing!

You've done it, babes, well done. We've totally saved the whales.

Yaay!

Tweet me.

-We knew the rebrand had to be revolution, not evolution.

-Nyaah!

You could say that we are really thinking inside the box.

And so we are launching the Squicken at one of Britain's largest

agricultural events to show them the future of the farming.

Good afternoon, ladies. Have you heard of the Square Chicken Company?

It looks awful. What is it?

-Vot shape is an oven?

-Square.

Vot shape is a lorry?

Square.

-Square.

-Square.

What?!

And you stack the chicken up and to the side, and then you have

lots of chickens in the barn.

-Isn't that animal cruelty?

-No. What is it that you farm?

Turkeys, cows.

-You have the square turkeys?

-No, we don't have none at the moment.

That is an awful waste of space.

A vaste of space!

I think that English people like the idea

that the animals are free-range.

Cos you are just breaking an animal's legs and then just

-leaving it there to grow.

-Yeah.

Its feet have become extended into its arm, like small dinosaur,

with its toes into its bottom.

-My grandchildren's children would probably agree with all that.

-Yeah.

We have asked the chickens and 70% of chickens are happier

when they are square.

The other 30% did not respond to the survey.

-How did they answer it?

-Like that.

Maybe soon, you will catch up vith the technology in Sweden.

OK.

The cost of the arena has soared to more than £750 million.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan has ordered an investigation into

the stadium's finances and the deal by which West Ham pay

just £2.5 million a year in rent.

The taxpayer built the stadium,

the taxpayer put most of the money into redeveloping the stadium.

Well, we're finally here in the Olympic Stadium.

People literally going crazy,

questions swirling in the fans' mind all summer about how Boris

managed to put pen to paper without the European Commission seeing it.

Absolutely extraordinary scenes!

How does it feel to be here?

Well, it's great to the taxpayer for paying for it.

I don't think that we have borrowed the taxpayers' money here.

You've literally taken it.

And you've got the taxpayers' money.

-Are you going to give it back?

-Are we fuck!

# Boris Johnson's having a party

# Boris Johnson's having a party... #

Is an iron being held to the British taxpayers' feet

-at the moment over the 138 million?

-Yes.

It's still going to be an athletics track,

we're still going to support the athletics, the British Council.

For nothing, innit? We're laughing all the way.

You're laughing all the way to the bank while the taxpayers

literally have the piss ripped out of them.

-Isn't that right?

-Sod the taxman!

# They paid for our ground

# Except for Scousers, they've paid for our ground. #

Thank you.

Extraordinary scenes!

Extraordinary scenes!

APPLAUSE

When we came to Birmingham this week,

some big questions were hanging in the air.

Do we have a plan for Brexit? We do.

Are we ready for the effort it will take to see it through?

We are.

The referendum was not just a vote to withdraw from the EU.

It was about something broader,

something that the European Union had come to represent.

Now is the time to forge a bold new confident role for ourselves

on the world stage.

I understand the frustration people feel when they see the rich

and powerful getting away with things that they themselves

wouldn't dream of doing

and they wouldn't get away with if they tried.

Conservatives have always understood that if you want to preserve

something important, you need to be prepared to reform it.

This is our generation's moment.

I'm Eugene X, a totally non-racist white South African,

and I've come to the UK for a multicultural holiday,

and who better to get tips from than Paul Golding?

-Terrorist scum!

-Off our streets!

-Taliban scum!

-Off our streets!

Leader of Britain First, an organisation that is also

totally not racist that organise marches to protect British values.

It's going to be an absolute gas.

Paul, I want to see the UK and all the finest spots

without getting radicalised.

Where should I go and where should I not go?

Well, if you don't want to get radicalised,

-then stay away from places like Bradford...

-Right.

..Blackburn, Luton, east London...

How will I know if I'm being radicalised?

If you're in Bradford and you feel like growing a beard...

-Then maybe...

-..and you feel like wearing bedsheets...

-Right.

-And you feel like running around shouting, "Allahu Akbar..."

-Right.

..then I would start to get worried.

What aspects of our culture are you most worried about losing?

-Our national identity.

-What is that?

We've got our history,

stretching back all the way to the beginning of the dawn of history.

-Yes.

-God Save... The monarchy.

-Monarchy.

Excuse me, sir. Is the Queen safe?

MUSIC: Instrumental of Rule Britannia

Our flags.

Good gosh, the UK really is a country of flags.

-Probably some historical anthems.

-Right.

-Jerusalem.

MUSIC: Jerusalem plays through headphones

Oh, ja, brah, Jerusalem.

What an absolute banger.

-Castles.

-Castles.

Look at this handsome British Castle,

built by the famous King William the Conqueror, who was from France.

Yeah, stuff like that.

And what you don't want is these people, sort of,

trashing the great British culture. Is that right?

-And changing it so it's completely irrecognisable?

-Absolutely.

Our country is changing for the worse.

It's changing out of something...

From what has existed for centuries, millenniums. It's changing.

Where... The town I grew up in, Erith, in south-east London,

when I was growing up it was completely English.

It was a lovely place to grow up.

-When I go back there now, it looks like Nigeria.

-Right.

I'm here in Paul's Golding's town of Erith.

In order to fit in, I've worn this traditional Nigerian dress.

Let's have a look about.

Oruko mi ni Eugene.

Nibo ni ka tsaya.

Haven't a bloody clue, mate.

Oruko mi ni Eugene.

Oruko mi ni Eugene.

-You speak English?

-Yeah, of course I do.

-Oh, right.

-That's not English though.

-No, that was Nigerian.

Well, how can I understand it then?

Great top tip there from Paul Golding. Thank you, Paul Golding.

-Lovely to meet you.

-You too.

'The Conservative Party has begun a new era,

'and the Prime Minister Theresa May has created a new cabinet,

'bringing lesser-known faces to the fore.

'In this film we follow James Tottington-Burbidge,

'Conservative MP,

'who after falling out of favour with the former Prime Minister...'

I just wanted to give you this Bullingdon album.

-Oh, well, thank you very much.

-Would you give me a sign of it?

'..now finds himself one of the key players in shaping

'Theresa May's Britain.'

Yeah, I've just come down to Scotland to speak to the Scotch,

cos they're bloody playing up after the Brexit thing,

don't know their place,

so I've got to tell them what for

and make sure they're with us in the negotiation.

'After a majority Remain vote in Scotland,

'the Scottish National Party have made it clear they'll

'do anything in their power to stay in the EU.

'This has led to calls for a second independence referendum,

'calls that cannot be ignored by Westminster.'

'Scotland's First Minister has delighted this conference with

'a challenge to Theresa May - "If you can't find

' "a way to keep Scotland in the single market, I will." '

I have never doubted that Scotland will one day become

an independent country, and I believe it today.

'James has been sent north of the border to gauge whether

'the Scottish people really do want to trade in being British for

'being in the European Union.'

BAGPIPES PLAY

I'm on the phone! Jesus Christ.

My name's James. I've just come up from London.

Apparently there's been a huge upsurge

in the desire for independence since the Brexit vote?

Yeah, there's probably a really strong thing for independence.

I think they need to make a big decision.

But surely Scotland was just a country full of barbarians

in dresses before the Englishmen came.

Your attitude towards us,

it's like we're just one of your peasants.

Well, yes, you are the peasants,

but that's not a problem. I mean, we love the peasants.

Shall I come back in three days' time when you're sober or...?

Me, personally, I wanted independence before the referendum.

-But, why, though? Do you not want to preserve the United Kingdom?

-No.

-We were promised that we would remain within the EU...

-Yeah.

And then now, obviously, we're not going to be in the EU.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Can I just ask you...?

-No, I'm going to the pub shortly.

-Two seconds.

You're... You're always in the pub, you Scottish people.

In England, we know that the Scottish knowing their place

-is a vital...

-Excuse me?

Well, I mean, you said it.

-The independence referendum was fair and democratic.

-Yeah.

-The EU referendum was not democratic.

-Why not?

Because it played on fears and people's emotions and wasn't

based on fact in the slightest.

Some Scottish people want to have another independence referendum.

Would you be able to report on your neighbours

if they started talking that talk?

No, what do you think, that we're from bloody China or somewhere?

No, I think you're Scottish, and we're English,

-and you need to help us out.

-Why?

Well, before we came up here,

you were all barbarians running around in skirts.

You shouldn't take a photo with that flag, with that flag any more.

It's illegal.

Her family, who come from a strict Pakistani background,

wanted the marriage to repay a debt.

She was repeatedly beaten.

Successful action against forced marriages

so often depends on the potential victims speaking out.

I was born here, so I knew what my rights were.

I was worth more than just a repayment.

Every bride likes to take control of her wedding,

so what happens when she has no say on her big day?

Welcome to...

Seriously Don't Tell The Bride.

This is Mehat.

He's come to this bridal-wear shop to look at some wedding

dresses for the big day.

Hello, there!

Come on in!

I assume this is the groom?

No, this is the bride's brother.

-Oh, OK. And you are...

-I'm her father.

Right.

-And the groom is...

-Pakistan. Waiting for delivery.

OK. Well, let's look at some dresses.

Mehat is a British Pakistani,

and his sister's wedding is a big deal for the family.

Yeah, on one hand I'm really excited about my sister getting married.

But, at the same time,

I do wish my dad had threatened to have her hanged if she said no.

But that's just Dad.

The bride and groom's parents are meeting at Mehat's house,

where he and his dad are about to discover who his sister is marrying.

What? Sorry, you're breaking up. Is your Wi-Fi playing up?

Joining them via Skype from Pakistan

for a stag do is the groom, Mohammad.

All I'm saying is, I just don't...

Dad wants a more traditional wedding, whereas Mehat,

like many other people, wants his dad to step out of the Dark Ages.

-Hello?

-Dad, have we got any dips or anything?

-No, we've got to save the pennies for the honeymoon.

-Right.

When you say honeymoon, you mean dowry?

After a fun afternoon at the stag do,

Mehat's father has had a call from the bridal-wear shop to say

that his daughter's dress is ready for a fitting.

OK, so maybe you'd like to come out and take a look in the long mirror.

Of course, I don't want you to feel forced or anything.

ANTHEMIC MUSIC

Now, Mehat, you're actually about a foot taller than your sister,

but we can always take it in if needs be.

Yeah, I think she'd like that.

Great. Do you want to, er, walk up and down a bit,

just to get a feel for it?

Yeah.

I actually think you look fab.

-Thank you!

-Enough. Enough, thank you, that's enough.

Thank you, stop filming. Cut! Switch it off now.

So, it seems as if Mehat's dad has pulled it out of the bag

and the wedding will go ahead.

Join us next week, when mischievous dad Sylvan tries to marry off

daughter Aaliyah as part of a property deal,

on Seriously Don't Tell The Bride - Iran Special.

SLOW CLAP

Today Jim McCormick was sentenced to ten years in prison for

selling fake bomb detectors around the world.

In truth, the elaborate hoax was just a rebranding of

a novelty machine for finding golf balls.

At the height of the Iraq war, police used thousands

at checkpoints, believing they'd help prevent explosions.

British businesses have form when it comes to exploiting

war-torn countries, and conmen like me want in on the gravy train,

so I've come to the government-run International Business Festival

in Liverpool to sell virtually useless

untested military supplies to Johnny Foreigner.

-Well...

-Portable military supplies?

-That's right.

We're trying to find a niche.

One of our first products, the bulletproof burka,

-you might have heard of that.

-No.

-No?

This is used in a lot of countries

which have serious security issues right now.

So, you look it under the burka like that.

-I've worked for the military for a long time.

-Oh, really? Great.

-We got the P46125, you know those?

-Oh, yeah?

-Islamatectors.

-Oh, right.

-So, basically, they detect extremism.

-Right.

-Mostly Muslim extremism.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Potential security threats.

-That's relevant at the moment, so...

-Yeah.

-The P4561, so it picks up on certain key indicators.

-Like what?

-You know, skin colour, beard length, things like that.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

Spotting it earlier as well.

Spotting it earlier, yeah, and provides you with useful,

like, cross-examination questions for potential suspects, like,

-"Do you want a pork chop?"

-Right.

-Obviously!

-Yeah!

-Bomb detecting...

-Yeah.

-..animals.

Obviously you've got dogs and dolphins which are used by the

military right now, but there's a move now, I'm not sure

-if you're aware, otters, very intelligent animals.

-Oh, right.

-Real otters?

-Real otters, yeah. Families of otters. Yeah.

Yeah, but how do they report to you?

They come back and they go... HE SMACKS HIS LIPS

Like that.

And then you know that there's something wrong.

-Well, I hope to make a killing.

-Yeah. Well, I hope you do.

-THEY LAUGH

The Labour Party is in the midst of a civil war.

With Jeremy Corbyn having won his second leadership election

by a landslide, many believe that Labour is too left-wing

to be elected into government.

In this series, we follow two Labour Party members

on opposing sides of the argument.

Robin, a dyed-in-the-wool socialist and canvasser, and Penny,

a Labour Party adviser and self-confessed Blairite.

Both are convinced that their version of Labour is the future.

It's morally unacceptable for Britain...

It's July, and anti-Trident protesters have gathered

outside Westminster to await the result of a parliamentary vote

about the renewal of Britain's nuclear deterrent.

Overhearing the commotion from his office,

Penny has come down to see what the demonstrators would do

if ever faced with a nuclear stand-off.

Oh, well, I just popped out from Parliament, a quick break,

and I saw all these people on Parliament Square exercising

their democratic right to protest

against nuclear weapons, which is lovely...

if it were the '60s.

Most Labour MPs are said to be for the £205 billion renewal

of Trident, but with the Labour leader being a lifelong campaigner

against nuclear arms,

the party looks more at odds with itself than ever.

TIN RATTLES

Sorry.

Excuse me. Sorry... Would you mind?

-What?

-It's just quite... It's quite noisy.

-Where?

-This.

Quite NOISY?!

Yes. It was just quite annoying.

-ANNOYING?!

-Yes.

This is annoying!

-I mean, it's not...

-What?

-DOG BARKS

Well, that's not going to stop Trident, is it? Doing that all the time?

-This is not going to stop Trident, he says!

-HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

Jesus Christ.

Hey, I love your sign, man. Where'd you get that one from?

-I did it myself.

-Did you do it yourself?

-Yeah!

Amazing, I like it, high five.

Corbynista Robin has come along to the demonstration to talk

to like-minded people about the consequences of nuclear war.

But you know what they say, now, if you're going to play with nukes,

you're going to end up burning in a smelting apocalypse

the like of which we haven't

-even seen since Independence Day.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's not a great turnout, is it?

I mean on a sunny day, you'd have thought people would want to be in the sun.

Well, perhaps they've got more important things to do.

-What's more important than...

-What?

..saving people from nuclear disasters?

Well, you know, perhaps they've got things to do

that are, sort of, remotely achievable.

Do you think we're going to lose or win?

Almost certainly lose.

Shit.

Are they?

Why are we here then if they're going to win?

-Shit.

-Yeah.

I don't know, I see no reason why the UK needs nuclear weapons today.

Considering we won't even use them.

Well, it's so other countries don't bully us, you know?

-Take our lunch money.

-Who's going to bully us?

-Well, the bigger boys.

So, I suppose we should just let it happen to us, should we,

if Putin decides to push the button?

We'll just let him blow us all up, would you?

-Yeah.

-Yes. Lovely... Lovely to chat.

Yeah.

We're losing one in five of them at the moment, and everything

that is impacting on them will have an affect on other species.

More than half of our native animals and plants are in decline.

Children like these will always love discovering nature, but what

will still be there for the next generation to enjoy, nobody knows.

Hello.

I'm Tim Fogey-Brown,

and welcome to a special twilight edition of Countryphilia.

Now, it's a sad fact that we're all too unaware of that due to

the expansion of city centres, certain beautiful British species,

such as the common hedgehog and the humble ant, are sadly in decline.

But, here on the margins of London, certain species are still thriving.

I'm talking of course about the dogger.

And I'm here to find out more.

Dogging is the quintessentially British pastime

of observing public coitus.

And I'm here to meet somewhat of an expert in the field.

Tell me, where did this passion first come from?

-How did you get into this?

-Oh, that's an interesting question.

It was a long while ago now, and I was sitting at home and Janet,

my wife, she just popped out for a couple of years.

-So, I went over to the woods...

-Yeah.

-And I heard some noises...

-Right.

-..I'd never heard before.

-Sort of like, er...

-What sort of noise?

GUTTURAL MOAN

I see, and what sort of spe...? HE MOANS AGAIN

Well, what were you listening to, then? What was that species?

-That particular species was called a Newcastle Rustler.

-Right.

'It was getting late, so in order to increase our chances of

'a sighting, we headed to a local car park.'

Now, listen, just to be on the cautious side, is there any danger?

-These are wild, feral creatures.

-Right.

You've been to Windsor Safari Park?

-Yes.

-This is very, very similar.

-Mmm.

-OK?

But the difference is the creatures themselves

are quite often in the cars. We'll be the ones outside.

What is it we're doing here in this bush?

We're seeing if we can actually catch

a couple of Labradors in the act.

There we go. Door's opening.

Oh, goodness. Stay close to me,

Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. Timmy toes, Timmy toes...

'It was easy to see why Mark was hooked on these elusive creatures.

'And, like a moth to a flame, I too was being lured in.'

-Give them a signal. So, flash your torch...

-Flash my torch.

And watch. Let's see if we can attract their attention. That's...

CAR DOOR CLOSES

That's the sign. That's the sign.

-OK.

-So let's move in. Follow me.

-Come on. Come on.

-I should come now, should I? What, in there?

-Oh, my God.

-Yes, in you come.

'I couldn't believe that I was about to see a Croydon Blue up close.'

That's it, Timmy. That's it.

Shh, shh, shh...

That's a good boy.

OK.

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC

Timmy, I really was surprised at you there.

That really was absolutely marvellous, and I hope you feel

you really have had the full experience now.

It was wonderful.

Come on.

Look, Ole, a bit of space there.

MUSIC: Maggie's Farm by Bob Dylan

-And there, look, space. Oh!

-It is a whole area of space.

Space there.

Look at that, space there.

Space, look.

-Open up space here.

-Like that.

CHICKENS CLUCK

# And I wake up in the morning... #

Look at all this space here.

Look at the space!

-Look!

-Using the space!

I can't breathe.

He can't breathe.

-I can't breathe.

-He can't breathe?