Teacher Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience

I'm Rhod Gilbert, stand-up comedian.

People tell me I've got the toughest job in town,

but I'm sure I'll find other things far more difficult.

So I'm ditching my regular job and trying something completely different.

This is my Work Experience, and this week, I'm a primary school teacher.

In a few days, I'd have to do a whole miserable day's teaching on my own.

My grandad was a teacher and he used to say, "Give a kid a crayon,

"and he'll keep out of your way for a day.

"Teach a kid to shoplift crayons, you can retire."

So I turned up at Monnow Primary in Newport, South Wales with a simple game plan.

'I met my new boss, head teacher Meryl Echeverry.'

Where are all the kids?

They're all in class, all 330 of them. Oh, my God.

I'd overslept and missed three years of training, but in my induction, assistant Alison Rogers

'told me there was only one thing to remember.'

It is requested that staff wear appropriate clothing.

Ta-da! Trousers are an accepted dress option. I should hope so!

If I can't wear any trousers... I can't come in in my pants.

No jeans, jean-style trousers, leggings or combats.

These are jeans but they're my smartest jeans. Yeah, well, it's not appropriate for school.

I haven't got any trousers. You'll have to go out and buy some.

'With a fake teacher's ID badge, it was a time for a look round.

'Hopefully they wouldn't notice I was in underpants.'

Would you like to come for a tour of our key stage 2, our junior department?

Are you sure I'm OK to come in jeans? No, not really.

Will I upset the children? Well, they will comment.

'In my school, teachers took classes in rooms, classrooms, I think they were.

'Here, it looked like everyone just hung round, skiving in the corridors.'

This is the writing zone. This is the multimedia zone,

and this is where the children come to do research.

This is our independent zone for our lower key stage 2,

they're getting on with their work, no teacher in sight. Is that allowed? Yes, that's allowed.

'I was as confused as a nun on a Geordie hen night.

'Maybe the kids could help.'

You've got the thunk tank over there.

What's the thunk tank? You think things out.

So you go over there and think?

'I don't know why, but everyone was banging on about an imaginary world of characters called Planet Thunk.'

Teamworker always works as a team.

Accuracy is quite accurate.

All the animals are like horse, dog and cat all put together.

What would that look like? What does an animal look like?

Horse tail, a cat's face, chicken's legs. Chicken's legs.

And where do they all live, guys? Planet Thunk. Planet Thunk.

They all live on Planet Thunk.

Literally bonkers.

'Like Peter Andre looking at a mug tree, my brain was in overload.

'The more I saw, the less I understood.'

That's our oracy zone. What does oracy mean?

It means learning how to speak, and how to speak in Welsh. Is that a word, oracy? Yes.

Mrs Price, come and show Rhod the Welsh zone. Oracy's not a word.

You're just making shit up!

It's like some kind of educational Milton Keynes.

No, it's very rigorously planned for them to work independently.

Think ahead for these children - when they're your age,

we've given them good grounding to move on into the future.

I've got no idea what anyone's talking about.

'How was I going to teach here? Everyone was whacked up on Planet Thunk juice.

'I felt like saddling up my horse-dog-cat and going home.'

Mr Roberts is now going to tell you about Perseverance from our Planet Thunk.

This is the time when you didn't want to persevere

and you wanted to leave it. "I can't do it."

(I don't want to do this.) What you think he did?

ALL: Persevered. He persevered!

He made it, he pushed himself. He was brilliant.

I can't help feeling this whole perseverance lecture is aimed at me.

Thank you, Mr Roberts. Well, what are we all going to do this week?

We're going to...

ALL: Persevere.

MUSIC STARTS

# We are the children of Monnow School... #

'My primary didn't have a school rap. It was the '70s.

'We did have one kid who wore his baseball cap to the side,

'but only cos his hair was so greasy it kept slipping round.

'I was like a fish-dog-pig out of water.'

# Everyone! #

'After assembly, we necked some Planet Thunk juice

'and visited all the classes I'd be taking.'

High-five. High-five.

High-five. Oh, I say!

'First stop, Miss Robson's literary class.'

Right, bore da.

ALL: Bore da, Mrs Echeverry.

Bore da, Mr... ALL TRAIL OFF UNCERTAINLY

"Bore da, Mr Gilbert." Will we try again?

ALL: Bore da, Mr Gilbert.

Bore da.

Mr Gilbert will be watching all the tricks that you do to learn all your letters.

S-puh-ought. Show me four fingers.

ALL: S-puh-ought.

Sport. What cheer shall we have this time?

ALL: The disco cheer! Oh, go on, then. Ready?

Un, dau, tri.

ALL: # That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh. #

Can I just ask, what was that?

ALL: Disco cheer.

Disco cheer. When would you use a disco cheer?

When we've been excellent. When you've been excellent?

And what other cheers have you got? We have silent cheers.

What's a silent cheer?

RHOD LAUGHS

ALL: Or.

Two letters, one sound.

Let's tell the windows. Or.

Two letters, one sound.

Shall we tell Mr Gilbert? Or.

Two letters, one sound.

Can you tell the table that or not?

Two letters, one sound.

RHOD LAUGHS

I bet you couldn't tell that door.

Or. Two letters, one sound.

Better tell that door.

Or. Two letters, one sound.

You better tell the seagulls.

Two letters, one sound.

There's more than one seagull. Or. Two letters, one sound.

There's more than that. Two letters, one sound.

And the next one. Two letters, one sound.

And the next one. Or. Two letters, one sound.

'We left Miss Robson, the window whisperer, teaching a chair how to spell bonkers.

'I was anxious about all the pointless techniques I had to learn.

'But at least the kids had faith in me.'

What are you laughing at? I'm going to be a proper teacher.

SHE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER I am! You ain't!

I am, I'm going to be a proper, serious teacher. No, you ain't!

I am. You're going to forget. I'm not going to forget!

It doesn't inspire you with confidence when you say to one of the kids,

"I'm going to be a serious teacher on Friday,"

and they just throw their head back and laugh in your face.

'Like Tom Cruise in a foot spa, I was totally out of my depth.

'I was starting to think if I had walked around in my pants, nobody would have batted an eyelid.'

It's just so different to when I was a kid.

It's a very different form of learning.

That's very accurate from my first impressions,

kids floating through space, cos that's what this place is like.

Still, I'm sure after a couple of days in Planet Thunk, I'll be fine.

'Lunchtime. I begged Meryl for a quiet kid-free corner of Planet Thunk to relax,

'but she stitched me up with playground duty.'

Are you taking me on the train? Yes!

It's a very busy train.

Absolutely knackering. Knackering.

'After all that fuss about me wearing jeans,

'if it was upsetting the kids, they clearly had enough respect for me not to mention it.'

I am not naughty! ALL: Yes, you are!

No, I'm not. Yes, you are! No, I'm not. Yes, you are!

Why are you wearing jeans? Am I not supposed to be wearing jeans?

I'm sorry.

You're not supposed to wear jeans.

I know I'm not supposed to wear jeans! You have to wear a tie. I know.

'After lunch was maths, and Miss Robson, the window whisperer, invited me outside.

'I thought maybe this was so the kids could shout at trees for a change,

'but there was a far more logical explanation.

'Forest School.'

An infant class last year, we said a giant had got into the fairy kingdom,

laminated fairies and strung them along.

They had to get clues to help save the fairies, banish the giant,

and give the fairies their kingdom back.

So that was a literacy lesson. Was it? Sounds totally normal(!)

I'm putting my wellies on for maths. In Forest School.

I'll be putting on a full spacesuit for a history lesson, I imagine.

Right, that's the mud mound, where they can have a little play

as a treat after they've done their task.

What's going on over here? We're measuring the age of a tree.

First of all, you have to get a tape measure

and measure the circumference of the tree. Right.

Then you cut off a piece of string the same length

and put it on the floor and then you measure the diameter.

And then what do you times the diameter by? You times it by 1.20.

1.2. And that's the age of the tree. Is it? Yes.

Get some string, yeah, and then you measure the diameter.

So then you multiply it by 1.2? I've done it in my head. Aren't I clever?

What did you get? 10.8.

We got 37.2. I was close.

Do you think that would work if we measure your head

and put a bit of string on the floor and try and work out how old you are? It might.

Check the circumference of Katie's head. 52 centimetres.

OK, let's cut a string. 16? 16 centimetres.

It says I would be 19.

19 years old? That's not right. Why doesn't it work for Katie if it works for that tree?

Because she's a human. Because she's a human, that's right.

Katie is not a...? Tree. Tree. That's what the difference is.

We've all learned Katie isn't a...? Tree.

We've all learned something there.

Do you know how to tell the age of a human?

Erm.... No.

You go like this.

Hello, Katie, how old are you? 10 and a half. There we go. Simple.

'Onto reception class, 'and, embarrassingly until he formally introduced himself,

'I mistook Mr Williams, the teacher, for one of the kids.'

My name's Scott Williams. Your name's Scott Williams?

I'm very pleased to meet you, Scott Williams. My name is Rhod Gilbert.

And my name is Ella Mae. Ella Mae. Ella Mae what? Hoskins.

Ella Mae Hoskins. Pleased to meet you. I'm Rhod Gilbert. Hello.

That's an amazing castle. Do you want to tell me about it?

It's a fairytale castle. It's a fairytale castle.

Yes, and we cover it with newspaper and it dries out at night

and it goes very hard, rock hard.

Who lives in this castle?

Kings and queens. Sounds reasonable.

Did you make it? Yeah, with my friend. Scott Williams.

Scott Williams, you helped, did you, Scott? Mmm-hmm.

Which bit did you make?

I made this side,

I did that side

and then I did this side. Did you?

Mmm-hmm. So you were working over this area mainly? Mmm-hmm. Hmm.

You've done a very good job, hasn't he, Ella Mae?

Yeah. How long did it take you to make? A bit long. A bit long.

'Ella Mae's description of her castle fitted my first day.

'A bit long, rock hard,

'like a fairytale, with no connection to reality whatsoever.

'Finally, story time with the window whisperer.

'I wasn't sure if she was reading the kids a story or talking to the book.

'Either way, the kids and the book were loving it.'

..heard the sharp intake of breath.

We're going to have to leave it there at the really exciting part. ALL: Aw!

It's time to go now. 'Home time.

'Unfortunately, I was about to get the worst news I've ever received in my life.

'And I once got a letter from my GP telling me I was pregnant.'

You're off now to your after-school club. Oh, no. Yeah.

Can't I go home, miss? No.

After-school art club? Yeah.

Do you like it? ALL: Yeah.

Are you just saying that? No. Oh.

Oh, heck. Close your eyes.

You have five seconds to think of what mini beast you are going to make.

I need you to visualise it in your head.

Oh, it's gone in my nail!

I think I've done a sort of Boris Johnson. Yeah, you have.

It looks like Boris Johnson. It does remind me... Of Boris Johnson? Yeah.

Does it? Yeah, it does.

That is amazing.

'And then after after-school art club, I was after after after-school teacher training.'

The kids have gone home ages ago.

If we had any sense, we'd have gone home

and switched the lights out the moment the last one of them left.

Seems to me that teachers desperately try to spin out the working day

as long as they can by doing utterly pointless things.

Newspaper needs to be rolled extremely tightly to make a solid rod...

A solid rod. SHE LAUGHS

RHOD PRETENDS TO LAUGHS

You all need to go home and have a holiday. Honestly.

We're making a homing pigeon.

Is that what a pigeon's beak looks like? Almost identical.

BALLOON POPS

'This was the biggest waste of newspaper since the News Of The World.'

It started off as a butterfly.

This is my favourite. Thank you very much.

I've made a turtle. Turtle.

He's a homing turtle.

Was that really worth staying behind for an hour to do that?

Are you telling me papier-mache is going to be any better for us having practised like this and done this?

The headmistress did that.

The headmistress.

Thank you for today. I think you've had a good day.

There's a bit of bedtime reading to check on the skills you'll be going through tomorrow.

Just make sure that you're in the correct attire tomorrow.

Yes, yes, miss. Bye, miss. Night.

After one day of what I've seen of teaching,

it's absolutely exhausting.

What I've observed - teaching methods are quite weird, or they've changed a lot since I was in school.

"This is Mr Perseverance and he lives in Planet Thunk

"and in the independent zone.

"Oh, maths is in the forest. Go straight past the fairies and the mammoth

"and maths is down there on your right. Rush along."

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

'I'd stayed up all night making some papier-mache trousers

'and next day turned up looking like a contestant on

I'm A Jehovah's Witness, Get Me Out Of Here, and at least one kid noticed.'

CHILD LAUGHS

ALL: Ooh!

What do you think, guys? Does he look much better than he did yesterday?

ALL: Yes.

'The fun-sized fashion fascists thought I looked the part

'and Meryl's enthusiasm was starting to win me round

'but I still wasn't quite ready to teach.' CHILDREN SING

This must be a moment of pride for you. Aw. Is it? Yeah.

Look at them, they're fab, aren't they?

Just a total absence of cynicism.

Just pure innocence.

Total absence of self-consciousness or cynicism. Yeah.

And it's all going to go wrong.

You know what I mean.

We've got a real problem with this positive attitude, haven't we?

They'll all be sullied by life.

'I was trying to be positive but then Meryl gave me the worst news I've ever had in my life. Again.

'Today was a school trip and before I could do any proper teaching,

'I had to go along.'

Kelsey? Here!

Mika? Here.

Lexie? Joshua?

Thomas V? TV? Hello! JB? Jake B? Hello.

Megan R? Emily P? Joe?

Am I here? I can't remember where everyone is.

'Rhondda Heritage Park coal mine museum, and I have 12 kids to look after.

'The only time I've been left in charge of 12 anything

'was when my mate left his golf clubs in my garage. Miss Robson was on hand.'

Our Planet Thunk characters,

today they're going to be like Creative Thinker.

Creative Thinker uses her senses to explore everything around her.

Clipboard. You all got pens? ALL: No.

Some of you are going to be making videos, aren't you?

You all know how to use them? ALL: Yes. Good, cos I don't.

You know how to work it, Daniel? Come on, Scorsese.

'I was anxious. The closest I've come to taking screaming ten-year-olds down a mine shaft

'is sharing a lift with One Direction.'

Hey, you lot. Come back here. Have you got any facts so far?

Can I do it for you?

That's not really how teaching works, I don't think.

Do you think I'm thick, or what? Don't answer that.

It's a rhetorical question. Do you know what a rhetorical question is?

Yes. A question that is not answered.

A question that is asked but not answered.

'I was doing all right. I had arrived with 12 kids and I had seven left,

'even if they had no respect for me whatsoever.'

I keep getting you two mixed up. Which one is which? I'm Jake, he's Tom.

You're Jake, he's Tom.

You're lying! You're lying! Come back here.

Right, which one is which? I'm Jake, he's Tom.

We were just kidding you earlier. We need to go to the museum.

I don't think I'm commanding a hell of a lot of respect.

They're winding me up, them two.

I think they've detected I'm not a real teacher.

'As the day wore on, someone must have spiked my Ribena

'because I started enjoying myself.'

Look at them. There's my 12.

Proud as punch of them, I am, every one of them.

This is better than being at school, isn't it?

Yesterday, I got told to wear really smart stuff -

white shirt, tie, suit trousers.

And where are we? Down a mine. Brilliant(!)

You all enjoy yourself down there? ALL: Yes.

Is that real? That's real. That's the real stuff.

If they get coal this new white shirt, there's going to be trouble.

You know it's going to get very dirty.

You're going to have black all over your clothes.

Why don't you just let miss...? Put it in miss' bag, look, and ask her to take it back for you.

I think I'm becoming a teacher. You are. Am I? You're a nice teacher.

I'm a nice teacher? Yeah, you are. Well, careful, cos I could turn.

'For the kids, the day was done. Just as I was warming to teaching,

'swotty Miss Robson dragged me back to school to prep for my big teaching day.

'My plan had been to get the kids colouring in and shouting at furniture till half term.

'Her plan was to prepare my lessons down to the last nanosecond.

'And she went on about it long after after after school.'

As they're forming their poem, you'll be doing it line by line,

just constant praise.

Can I please go home? Please? It's half past five. Listen!

I'm serious now, sometimes the caretaker has to chase us out at half past six.

We just love educating these children. We can't get enough of it.

'In truth, the window whisperer was as passionate about teaching as I was about going home

'and her enthusiasm almost killed us both.' Metaphors, onomatopoeia, similes.

Whoosh! Crash!

Whizz!

Just give them a few minutes to decide... Come here. Oh, God.

It's all right.

SHE LAUGHS

Just cut there.

Full-on nervous breakdown. Full breakdown.

'It was clear that behind what had initially seemed like madness

'was rigour, meticulous preparation and great professionalism,

'but I'd had enough.'

Look at that. The kids left just three hours ago.

ALL LAUGH

'My big teaching day arrived.

'I was as nervous as a dog who's just mistaken Steven Seagal's leg for a tree

'and I was feeling a whole load of pressure.'

These kids, they're supposed to be learning

as much as they would normally learn and yet they've got me in control.

I had a full timetable - head-measuring in maths, seagull-shouting in literacy

and other stuff in corridors, sorry, zones.

Good morning, you're going to be my class today. ALL: Yay!

That was genuine enthusiasm. That wasn't even put on, was it? No.

'First up, maths in the fairytale forest.'

Got the compasses? Got the scales? Right.

'Mr Williams took the infants and I took the rest.'

You take that, Daniel, get on with it. Group three - Jake, Thomas and Lexie.

Thomas and Jake, Jake and Thomas, don't care which one of you is which.

Lexie, you sort them out, will you?

To orientate the compass correctly, answer each maths question.

So I just get amongst them now, do I? Do they know how to orientate it?

I've got no idea. I'll go and find out.

Hey, listen to teacher.

The thing with the compass is you've got to be accurate.

That's one of your thingies, isn't it, on Planet Thunk? ALL: Yes.

How do you know Planet Thunk, sir? Cos I'm a teacher.

Amy, you point in the direction of west, exactly where west is on there.

It's all right, this, I think I'm doing all right.

Three to five paces. 'Across the forest, Mr Williams had abandoned his maths class

'and was sorting out marshmallows for his fellow teachers.'

OK, so find a stone that weighs approximately 250 grams.

So you need the scales, don't you?

250, isn't it?

Yours is 200? Here you go. Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you very much, Scott Williams. That's very kind of you. No problem.

'Next it was off to Mr Williams' art class.

'It was good to see he mucked in with the kids.'

What colour have you gone for? Orange. Orange.

I've got lots of favourite colours.

You've got lots of favourite colours? 100,000.

You've got 100,000 favourite colours?

You're like a human Dulux colour chart, aren't you? I like 100.

You've only got 100 favourite colours?

You've narrowed it down, have you?

Hey, what's going on here? What's that? It's a toilet roll holder.

No, it ain't. What is it, then? A lighthouse! A lighthouse.

Well, it's a very good lighthouse. I knew straight away. No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

Look behind you.

Ah, made you look.

How are you, Ella Mae? How are you getting on?

My boat was lost when it was still in the water.

Your boat's gone in the water? Yeah, come and see. OK.

What's happening?

It's sinking. Your boat? Where is it? Under here.

OK, get your boat out, then. Let's have a look at it.

Hold it out. That's your boat, is it? Yeah.

Can you think of any reason why that wouldn't float as well as a boat?

Because it's made out of Play-Doh. Because it's made out of Play-Doh. Yeah.

Have you sealed all the holes?

Are they absolutely 100% water-resistant? Are they?

OK. Now, then, let's see if this floats in the pond.

ALL: Oh! High-five.

You made it float in the pond, didn't you? Yeah.

Now, then, from experience of using the boats we made,

can we see any reason why this one might not float?

Because it's made out of Play-Doh.

Cos it's got a massive lump of Play-Doh at the bottom of it, hasn't it?

Oh!

Almost. Can you think of how you'd make that float? Look, sir.

Look, sir! Made you look! Oh, you did make me look.

I'm really enjoying my day so far.

It's relentless but I think I've got some of the skills you need to be a teacher.

Say you needed 14,

I think I've got, say, three or four of them.

How long do you do it for? Stop!

'Next was literacy.

'In a school where one of the teachers was a four-year-old,

'it was no surprise there was confusion over who was teaching whom.'

S-puh-ooh...

No, that's not buh, that's puh. Yeah, puh, that's what I said.

You said buh. I said puh! ALL: You said buh!

I said puh! I'm not saying buh.

Yes, you are! That's buh. Buh.

S-puh...

ALL GIGGLE

..oooh-nn. Is it nn?

Obviously I've got some kind of speech impediment that I've only just realised after 43 years.

That's what it looks like. Ooh.

Let's tell the carpet. ALL: Two letters, one sound!

Let's tell the seagulls.

ALL: Two letters, one sound!

Tell the cupboard. Two letters...

This is easy. This bit's so easy. Let's tell the tree.

ALL: Two letters, one sound!

Let's tell Rihanna.

ALL: Two letters, one sound!

Vladimir Putin.

ALL: Two letters, one sound!

1980s funnyman Russ Abbot.

ALL: Two letters, one sound!

That's right. Disco cheer.

ALL: # That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh. #

RHOD LAUGHS

'With every class, I was feeling more and more at home on Planet Thunk.'

We'll create a piece of music using onomatopoeia.

'I could see how the teaching methods I'd rubbished really worked.'

Just keep going like a drum kit.

Crash!

Crash! Crash!

We're going to write a poem that personifies a coal mine.

What is a verb for pickaxes? Chipping. Chipping?

What word are we looking for with the simile? Amy's eyes are like golf balls.

That's a simile. Amy's eyes... It's not the most flattering simile.

Alliteration. Mrs Echeverry eats elephants.

Fair enough.

It's a bit chaotic, but I'm getting there. I'm getting there. I'm learning. I'm learning.

I think you've got the hang of this. We've run a bit behind cos I'm a little bit rubbish.

'I was absolutely loving seeing these kids learn in such a fun and dynamic way.'

And press-ups. Press-ups!

And marching!

'I felt like part of the furniture, and the kids shouted at me accordingly.'

Sir! Mr Gilbert!

Good work. And again. Keep challenging. Go on, Zach.

ALL CHEER

Oooft!

Oh, no, sir's hurt himself really badly and he's going to have to go early, I'm afraid.

Aw. I know.

What about 23 Things They Don't Tell You About Capitalism?

ALL: No.

Change Your Live In Seven Days by Paul McKenna? ALL: No.

Everyone quiet, facing the front. Is it time for the school song? Yes.

MUSIC PLAYS

ALL: # We are the children of Monnow School

# We take a pride in the things we do... # Learning together.

# Learning together and having fun... #

Having fun. Yeah, I know the school song!

# For a good day, everyone! #

OK, you've come to the end now of your time at Monnow Primary School. Cool. See you.

ALL LAUGH

Not yet. Yeah, come back. Your lessons were...um...interesting.

It was chaos a lot of the time. But it was good chaos.

Chaos is not always bad.

And the children responded to you

when you tried draw the chaos into some sort of order.

I can't think of anything I've enjoyed more.

I'm going to go out there and tell everyone, "Go and be a teacher."

It's just an incredible role. It's not a job. It's not a job, is it?

No. It's a privilege.

What do you think about your dress code?

Can you see how important that is? I can... I can... No.

ALL LAUGH

Casual clothes mean... ALL: Casual attitude.

Well, good luck with your future endeavours and thank you for...

Come on!

Thank you so much. It's been absolutely beyond lovely.

It's been moving, inspirational, beautiful.

I feel like I'm being torn away from somewhere that I don't want to leave.

I'm ready to go right now but I really want to come back on Monday.

It freaked me out completely when I first arrived. Bit spacey.

Planet Thunk.

But once you see the kids engaging with it and adopting that

and you see how they're learning, it all makes sense.

This school is one hell of a place.

Amazing teachers, amazing kids, and the rapport between them

is the thing that's most mind blowing.

I don't think I'll ever really make a teacher.

I don't think I'll ever have the discipline to do it.

But that's a shame cos I would really, really love to do it.

It's an incredible job.

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