Episode 1 Ronny Chieng: International Student

This programme contains some strong language

I'm OK. Thanks, thanks.

No, I'm OK. Thank you.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Ronnie? Can you hear me?

-Yeah, I can hear you.

-Can you hear me now?

Yeah, I can hear you know. I can hear you then.

-Why aren't you in class?

-I'm walking to class right now.

I just shared a list of study tips on your Facebook page.

Why didn't you like it?

Mum, you've got to stop posting clickbait on my page.

What is clickbait?

-Mum, isn't it like 6.00am in Malaysia right now?

-Yalla.

I'm having a late start today. Have you been studying hard?

Mum, it's the first day of school,

there's literally nothing to study hard.

Well, make sure you study hard.

-Because your father and I spent a lot of money to send you there.

-OK.

-And don't do drugs.

-OK.

-Do you do drugs?

Yeah, heroin and crystal meth every day.

Where did you learn about those drugs?

-Mum, look, I've got to go. I'm going to be late, OK?

-OK.

-Just pick up when I call.

-OK.

-And answer my e-mail.

-Don't talk to girls.

-OK.

-Don't get drunk. Don't tip -

-they don't need it.

-OK. I got it.

-Only use Chinese hairdresser's.

-OK, bye.

-Boil your water before you drink it.

-OK.

And if you have a cold, don't eat chicken.

Mum, coughing has nothing to do with chicken.

-And don't get anyone pregnant!

-And no-one's getting pregnant!

Yes, I know condoms are not 100% effective.

Yes, I know you're supposed to roll it all the way down the shaft.

I've got to go!

No, I was...talking to my mum.

Must be the only one here without a laptop.

What about that guy?

Do those glasses even have lenses in them?

-Is he drinking from a jar?

-Is anything about this guy real?

Maybe his hair.

Oh, wait... No.

-I'm Ronnie.

-I'm Asher.

-Nice to meet you.

Um, excuse me guys. Let's start.

My name's Mick, I'm the activities officer.

Basically I just coordinate all the activities.

So, yeah, welcome to your first day. Are you pumped?

Tonight's the first year pub night

and it's a great opportunity to meet each other

and give it some of these ones.

HE LAUGHS

So anyway, so we've got the boat race, which is

the drinking game that we do every year.

So let me know if you want to sign up and get pumped!

This guy's pumped!

Morning, everyone...

COMPUTER KEYBOARDS CLACK

SILENCE

..and welcome to your first day of law school.

I want you to look to the left.

Now look to the right.

I want you to remember those faces that you see,

because THAT is your competition.

Now the numbers say that 3 in 20 of you will become lawyers.

1 in 10 will fail.

And 1 in 200 will die.

Bloated corpse encased in cocaine resin.

So, why are we here?

I'm here because this is the most prestigious law school and I

believe if you want to be the best, you have to learn from the best.

Does anybody else want to answer my rhetorical question?

Let's all have a go. You - why are you here?

Is this rhetorical?

You tell me.

Er, I don't know.

Good answer!

Because the truth is, nobody really knows anything.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree.

Good, I like disagreement. Go on, tell me.

Um, I just think that turning up to your first day of law school

not knowing why you're here, that's pretty stupid.

How do you feel about that? He thinks you're an idiot.

Well, I think it's pretty stupid to come to your first day of

law school and dress like your captaining a yacht.

-LAUGHTER

-This is excellent!

Conflict is very good.

Which brings us to our first assignment.

I want you to write 1,000 words on conflict resolution...

..based on my book, Shut Up And Come Get Some,

which is not available in book stores.

But the library does have a copy.

Whoo, yeah! Whoo, yeah!

GROANING

Oh!

Ah! The traditional first lecture streaker.

Have a look at him.

HE CONTINUES GROANING

Now what does the law say about a man being found naked,

and weeping, outside of his own house?

Can someone help, please?

Hey. We should get that book.

-You want to team up?

-Sure.

I say, Ronny!

I met this guy last night, he's such a hater.

Hey! Um, Elvin, right?

Yeah, that's me.

Someone's moving pretty fast.

-Pleased to meet you, too. I'm Asher.

-Hello.

Yeah, I'm Elvin. This is, um...

Wei Jun.

-And this is Denedict.

-Denedict?!

Denedict.

-Like Dennis mixed with Benedict?

-Denedict.

G'day, cobbers. You gonna sign up for the boat race?

-I'm not here to get drunk in a bar, thank you.

-Oh, man.

I thought you'd give a real international flavour, you know?

Bunch of different cultures getting together,

to give it some of these ones!

I won't be giving it some of those ones.

I want to get that book. Are you coming?

Ah, hey, I'll join you guys later.

Yeah, OK. We'll leave you and Cate Blanchett to give them

some of these ones, huh?

OK, let's go.

What about you, cobber?

You like to wrap the old laughing gear around a couple of frothies?

What?!

-He means, do you drink beer?

-Oh! No.

I don't have the liver enzyme to process alcohol.

I become like a red, sweaty mess. It's a problem.

Look who it is, Mr I Don't Know.

Signing up for the boat race?

No, wait, let me guess - you don't know.

Actually, I do know.

-I will NOT be signing up for the boat race.

-Good.

Because we would wipe the floor with you.

His family have won the drinking contest for three generations.

-So you come from a family of alcoholics?

-What's your team name?

Above The Legal Limit.

Was Captain Nemo And The HMS Douche Bags already taken?

Well, HMS refers to a Navy ship,

while my family's yacht is a private vessel, so the joke's on you.

Wait, man. Even if you don't want to have a crack, just come down

and have a stickybeak while we sink beers. It'll be sick fun, bro.

What?!

-He means you're welcome to come watch the boat race.

-Oh, OK.

-Thanks.

-No wukkas, bro.

-Appreciate it. What?!

-Means you're welcome.

-OK. Cool.

-This place is amazing.

-What, you've never been to a library before?

My town had a library.

Well, it was more of a shelf of books at the back of the pub.

And if the book was overdue you had to do a shot.

-That sounds like fun...?

-Yeah, I was a big reader.

So, where is the law section?

Ah, let's see, law, that's 340.

-So we have to go to 300s.

-How do you know that?

When I was a kid, my mum made me

-memorise the entire Dewey Decimal system.

-Whoa, nerd alert. OK.

What's the number for Russian history?

Russian history, that's general history of Asia, Siberia,

so that's 957.

We had very different childhoods.

-Childhoods. 372.

-All right.

What? Hmm.

What was that?

Are you sure this is the law section?

Yeah, the sign said 300 was in the basement. This is B-1.

-This is B-2.

-HE GASPS

You've come too far.

-Who are you?

-I'm a postgrad student.

How long have you been here?

Can't remember.

Just been down here, writing my thesis.

What's your thesis on?

SHE SCOFFS

Started out as the rule of law in pre-Federation Australian colonies.

And then, turned into the morality of natural law versus positive

law in post-modern society.

And then somewhere along the line, it changed into Japanese falconry,

and now, I'm not sure what it is.

-OK, thanks. We've got to...

-I used to be an undergrad!

I remember having ambition, social events, sunlight.

OK. I'm really sorry,

-we have to go do an assignment.

-Let me guess.

You're stressing about 1,000 words?

Well, you try being 90,000 words into a 200,000 word thesis

and you can't even remember what your contention is.

-Ow! All right, I'm sorry, we've got to go.

-Thank you for all your help.

Maybe we'll see you down here again.

-We're never coming back here.

-Oh.

Should be just here.

300...

Uh-huh-ho!

Ronny and his girlfriend

Nicole Kidman are going for a romantic stroll in the law section.

What? No. We're just here to get the book.

Good luck. Because we're here to get the book, too.

Why don't we just get it, photocopy it

-and then we'll all have the book?

-Yeah.

Should be right...

..here.

I've got an idea.

How about none of you get the book and all of you fail?

What are you talking about?

This is the only copy of that book

and I'm keeping it until after the assignment is due.

Why would you do that?

Because I don't like you coming in here and making me look like shit.

Then why are you dressed like you're in a barbershop quartet?

It's called dressing for success. You should try it.

You look like Ben Sherman fucked The Wiggles.

No, see, it's you who's fucked

because if you don't have the book, you can't finish the assignment.

SHE SCREAMS

Just give us the damn book!

OK, guess we won't be using the photocopier any more.

What's going on here? This is the library.

If you want to shank each other, take it outside.

I was just trying to borrow a book

and these people started harassing me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look...

We all need this book to do an assignment.

And this guy is holding it like an asshole,

so none of us can do any work.

So, clearly the system is broken.

How dare you question the system!

What do you know about the library system?

Well, I know Melville Dewey invented the Dewey Decimal system in 1876.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Fuck Melville Dewey!

Fuck him right in his face. You know why?

Cos I'm the system. Now get out!

Nice work, Ronny. You've dragged us into your your weak fight

and got us kicked out of the library.

What are you talking about?

She's the one who went Kung Fu Hustle on the photocopier.

So what are we going to do now? You're not taking us down with you.

Look, Professor Dale wrote the book. I'll just ask him for a copy.

I don't care what you and Toni Collette have to do,

-just get that book.

-Why do you keep calling me

the names of Australian actresses?

I'll call you whatever I want, Rebel Wilson.

Wait, aren't you from Vietnam?

How do you know so many Australian actresses, anyway?

I've been a huge fan since I saw Muriel's Wedding.

-That is such each a great film!

-Yeah, I know.

I still think it's Rachel Griffith's best role.

"Oh, you're so terrible, Muriel!"

-Is that the one where she's in a wheelchair?

-OK, hey, hey.

-I'm going to find Professor Dale.

-She's so young.

Oh, that wedding scene is so beautiful.

KNOCK ON DOOR.

-Come in.

-Hi, sir.

I'm Ronny, from your first year class.

Mm-hm. Sit down.

Er, I was wondering if you had a copy of the textbook?

I have, Ronny.

I've got loads of copies of my textbook

-because the academic board refused to put it on the syllabus.

-OK.

Do you mind if I just borrow a copy for the assignment?

Absolutely not.

-Why not?

-Because I want you, Ronny, to find a copy for yourself.

OK, I've found a copy. I've found like 20 copies right here.

And you think I should just give you a copy because you've asked nicely?

-Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable.

-Give me your hand.

The law...

..is about conflict.

Is that a tattoo?

Have a look at this fellow here.

This fellow's got the best left kick in all of the MMA.

-So what does his opponent do?

-I don't know.

Avoid his left kick?

-No. He breaks his left leg with his own left kick.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh!

-He takes his opponent's greatest weapon

and he shoves it up his ass!

Do you understand?

-No!

-I want you to find your opponent's greatest weapon

and turn it against him to defeat him.

BELL RINGS ON TV

-Oh, hey.

-Did you get the book?

-No.

-What happened?

-I don't know.

G'day, cobber.

Are you guys still interested in joining the boat race?

Why you so obsessed with signing people up to this drinking game?

To be honest, we've only signed up one team.

If we don't get another, we're going to have to pull up stumps.

-He means...

-Yeah, I got it.

I thought you could help make it a real multicultural event.

Show people that smashing beers is something everyone can enjoy.

Look, I'd love to help you meet your diversity quota,

but a drinking game is the last thing we need right now.

-The other team's going to be so cut.

-What, the other team?

Yeah, Above The Legal Limit. Really nice boys.

-With the family history...

-Actually, you know what?

-We will sign up for the drinking game.

-Really?

I've got to tell the other team.

No. Let me tell them, please.

I'm pumped, cobber! You fully pumped?

I'm moderately pumped.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

What is this place?

I think it's the central hive for stuck-up larva

before they mature into full-blown assholes.

What a bunch of wankers.

Is this free?

You call that a parry and riposte?

I thought your one-two was going to end in the cha-cha-cha.

I think you're lost. The Canning Club is down the hall.

No, I'm pretty sure I'm in the right place.

-This is the Piece Of Shit Club, right?

-What do you want, Chieng?

Look, I've come to offer you a deal.

OK, you know that drinking game you keep talking on and on about?

-Yeah, the one we're going to win.

-Yeah, here's the thing.

You can't win if there's no-one to play against

cos they're going to cancel the game, OK? So here's what I propose.

I'll enter a team to play against you,

and if we win, you give us the textbook.

You have a drinking team?

-Yes.

-You are aware we're not drinking green tea, right?

EXAGERRATED LAUGHS

Hey, how do you look like

Prince Harry and Prince William at the same time?

Very amusing, Chieng. So, if we win, what do I get?

I don't know, what do you want? Some mouth surgery. Your mouth is huge.

Make him run naked.

That's a grand idea.

OK, you and your...internationals enter the drinking game and when you

lose, you have to run naked through Professor Dale's next lecture.

Or don't you have the balls?

OK. Deal.

I'll see you later tonight.

OK, listen up. This is called a boat race.

You drink a beer, put the empty glass on your head

and then the next person does the same.

-The first team to finish all four pints, wins. Got it?

-Got it.

What if you start drinking before the other person?

-You'd be disqualified.

-What if you don't finish

the beer before you put it on your head?

-Disqualified.

-What if...?

-Holy shit.

You finish your beer and then the next person finishes their beer.

-All right, it's really not that complicated.

-Wei Jun.

On your marks, get set, drink!

-Yeah.

-Good, good.

Sorry. My fault.

I should have said,

take a deep breath before you drink and then once you start,

whatever you do, don't take a second breath.

This is bullshit!

Holly Valance doesn't know what she's talking about.

Tell me why again we do this?

Believe it or not, this is actually the easiest way to get the textbook.

And also, if we don't win the drinking competition,

we're going to have run naked in the next lecture.

-So you turned us into strippers?

-No.

We're not going to strip, because we're going to win.

-Wei Jun, you OK?

-Oh! Oh, it's fine.

-It's what happen when we're drinking beer.

-Like I said,

we don't have the liver enzyme.

Guys! The key to excessive drinking is simple.

You just need to focus on something you fear

and then drink to make it disappear.

Right, let's try it. Denedict?

Close your eyes and find your fear.

You're wearing shoes!

Inside!

-Is that supposed to happen?

-Yes.

Yes, Denedict. Very nice.

Right, Elvin, your go.

Congratulations, Elvin.

Nice work. All right, Wei Jun, you're up.

We ran out of rice. So I got you some couscous.

SHE SCREAMS

I DON'T WANT COUSCOUS!

No-one is going to give you couscous.

-OK. OK.

-You're going to be OK.

You guys are all going to be OK.

Let's try again. Ready...set...drink!

Right on!

Let's do this one more time.

Enough! The drinking competition's like one hour away

and these guys are getting shit-faced.

OK. Maybe let's leave it there.

You guys have one hour to sober up.

Personally, I recommend a kebab, followed by a long vomit.

G'day, cobber. You still up for giving it a few of these ones?

Up for it? We're here to win it.

Ha-ha-ha! What's your team name?

I don't know, guys. What's our team name?

I don't give a fuck.

I'll put that down for now. But you might want to workshop it.

How are you feeling?

-Not very pumped.

-What's wrong?

-What's wrong?

Yesterday I got off a plane really looking forward to

studying in a new country.

Now today to do an assignment I have to drink beer faster than

a bunch of idiots. If I don't, I'm going to end up failing,

I'm going to end up running naked in public

and I'm going to have to study Japanese falconry.

That is a rough first day. Sounds like you need a beer.

No! I don't even like the taste of beer.

I remember when my dad gave me my first beer.

I hated the taste so I just drank it really quick.

My dad said he'd never seen

a ten-year-old skull a long neck that fast.

Yeah, we had very different childhoods.

You'll be fine. You just need to focus on your fear.

Yeah, I tried. I just... I can't think of anything scary enough.

-SPEAKER FEEDBACK

-All right, guys, it's time to get

fully pumped for the boat race!

CHEERING

Now, let's give a huge welcome to Above The Legal Limit...

CHEERING

THUMPING BASS MUSIC

..and their opponents, our very first international team,

I Don't Give A Fuck!

CHEERING

We should have workshopped that name.

INTENSE ROCK MUSIC

I can't wait to see the shape of your balls.

-You have got some issues, man.

-OK.

-On your marks...

-DRUM ROLL

..get set...

..D-RIIIINK!

CHEERING

SHE SCREAMS

HE YELLS

HE YELLS

CROWD GROANS

Don't take a second breath!

-IN SLOW MOTION:

-Cheers, Chieng.

-ASHER:

-Focus on your fear.

-MRS CHIENG:

-Ronny, don't forget to run all it the way down the shaft...

..shaft...shaft...shaft.

Arrrrgh!

Oh, my God!

CHEERING

ALL: Asians! Asians! Asians! Asians!

Hang on, hang on...

OK, as the winners, your team captain has earned the right

to attempt the Legionnaire!

-Wait, what?

-Thank you, Aaron.

The Legionnaire has been attempted by some of the greatest drinkers

in the history of this university...

..with only one fatality.

-CROWD:

-Ooh...

-What is this?

Team captain, please approach.

-ALL:

-Asians! Asians! Asians! Asians! Asians!

Asians! Asians! Asians! Asians!

Asians! Asians! Asians! Asians! Asians!

No, I don't want to drink it.

-CHANTING SUBSIDES

-He hates beer!

BOOING

No. I don't hate beer.

Well, OK...actually I do hate beer.

Come on, it tastes terrible.

It tastes like someone drank piss and vomited it out

and someone else ate that vomit and pissed it out again.

Like, seriously, does anyone here actually like the taste of beer?

That was a rhetorical question.

We won the boat race - what more do you people want?

But are you going to drink it?!

Yeah!

-ALL:

-Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Noooo!

DRUM ROLL

CHEERING

CROWD GROANS

-Oh, go, you good thing!

-Thank you.

-Hey, are you OK? You didn't have to drink that.

-Yeah, I did.

If you drank that beer, the only thing pumped right now

would be your stomach.

Hey, when you were screaming, what fear were you thinking about?

I imagined failing and having to

go back to my home town.

I actually know what you mean.

I'm a man of my word.

-Is that work "dick"?

-Don't get ahead of yourself, Chieng.

I've been looking forward to university for a long time,

-and I'm not going to let you ruin this...

-Just give me the book!

Oh! Eurgh! What's that smell?

I rubbed it on my arse.

-That's fucking disgusting, man.

-You were awesome.

-That's so good.

I can't believe that worked. Hey, Ronny.

There is a video of us winning the boat race all over Facebook.

-Oh, great.

-There's also a video of you, Asher.

It's called "Hot chick drinks giant beer -

"you won't believe what happens next".

-CHEERING ON VIDEO

-Oh, that's so embarrassing.

I'm so sorry a video of you drinking got put online.

Oh, no, I don't care about the drinking.

If my family finds out I spewed, I'll be disowned.

Mick's taking us on a pub crawl. You want to come?

-No, I think I've drunk enough for today.

-Yeah, me too.

-Later, bros.

-Easy, guys.

SHE CHUCKLES

INDISTINCT CHATTER

-Hey, Ronny, you got the book?

-Yeah, I did, but it's a little gross.

Oh, this make everything worthwhile.

HE KISSES

HE SNIFFS

-What that smell?

-Uh...the smell of success?

HE SNIFFS

Yeah, that's it. OK! I'll give it back to you in the morning.

-Yeah, maybe just photocopy it.

-Yeah, OK.

You sure you don't want to go hang out with your friends?

I think I am hanging out with my friend.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, boy.

-MRS CHIENG:

-Ronny? Ronny? Why haven't you called?

Oh, sorry, I've been busy.

-Yalla, busy doing what?

-Uh...studying hard.

-Have you been drinking?

-No.

Don't lie to me, huh? I saw you drinking on your Facebook page.

No, I was actually drinking to do an assignment.

-So now you're an alcoholic?

-No.

-Who's this girl?

-She's a friend.

-Is she pregnant?

-No, she's not.

-Why is she throwing up everywhere?

You lie some more, I'll send you back home, I tell you.

-Why are you always yelling?

-I am not yelling.

Yeah, this is exactly why Dad left, all right?

Your mother talking to you...