Episode 2 Ronny Chieng: International Student

This programme contains very strong language.

Morning, everyone. Welcome to your first day of law school.

-I'm Ronny.

-I'm Asher.

law...is about conflict.

SHE SCREAMS

I want you to write 1,000 words on conflict resolution,

based on my book, which is not available in book stores.

I've got an idea.

How about none of you get the book, and all of you fail?

You like to wrap the old laughing gear around a couple of frothies?

What?

His family have won the drinking contest for three generations.

I'll enter a team to play against you,

and if we win, you give us the textbook.

-You have a drinking team?

-Yes.

You guys have one hour to sober up.

Personally, I would recommend a kebab...

..followed by a long vomit.

-What's your team name?

-I don't know.

-Guys?

-I don't give a fuck.

I'll put that down for now, but you might want to workshop it.

Yesterday, I got off the plane

really looking forward to studying in your country.

Now, today, to do an assignment

I have to drink beer faster than a bunch of idiots.

Oh, go, you good thing!

Are you sure you don't want to go hang out with your friends?

I think I AM hanging out with my friend.

So this is the front door...

..and this is the rec room.

Hey, guys.

This is the mahjong table...

Pong!

Ho!

ALL GROAN

..and this is the bathroom...

Oh, shit. Sorry, Joderick.

Ugh...

Joderick? Like...John plus Derek?

..and this is the kitchen - and that's International House.

Thanks for the tour. Is it OK that I'm here?

-Yeah, of course.

-I just don't want to intrude.

You're not intruding. You're my guest.

-DOOR BANGS

-What the fuck is she doing here?

Hey, Elvin! Good to see you again.

Who give you permission to bring the guest?

You think this is a hotel, huh?

I live here. I can bring whoever guests I want.

Why are you so scared of expanding our social circle?

That's how it starts.

You let one tourist in, then they all start coming.

Next thing you know, you'll be colonised.

What are you talking about?

That's what happened in Vietnam, Malaysia, Singapore.

You should know that.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hello?

Is that another one of your guests?!

I don't know.

-Can I help you?

-Ah - Karen Ford. Student administrator.

-Oh, hi, Karen.

-This is Craig, the American International student

who was supposed to be here last week.

He won't be late again, will he?

No, ma'am. Hey, guys.

Psyched to be down here in Australia.

-It's going to be awesome.

-Hey.

Can somebody show him around?

Do we get extra credit for it?

-No.

-Then why I do?

I'll show him around. It's always nice to meet new people.

-Hey, I'm Ronny.

-Craig Cooper.

-And I'm Asher.

-Hey, how are you?

OK. Craig's in room 310 -

and, remember, keep it considerate in here, OK?

OK. Will do. So, how are you one week late?

I know, right?!

Yeah. You should.

Man, I'm telling you,

that flight was crazy long.

-Take off your shoes!

-Take off your shoes!

You are practically shitting in the house right now.

So, this is how you do things in the international frat, huh?

Yeah, it's not a frat. It's more like student accommodation.

Let me show you around. This is the front door.

This is the rec room.

-This is the mahjong table...

-Going for shi-san-yao!

Nice!

-PLAYERS:

-Ooh!

..and this is the bathroom...

Oh, God dammit, Joderick, learn to close a door.

-Hey!

-Hello.

-..and this is the kitchen.

-Wow.

Sweet digs. Hey!

-ATTEMPTS AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-This is not a knife, this is a knife!

-Am I right?

-What the fuck are you talking about?

Oh, what's this? Food?

-Is this communal?

-That's not for sharing.

-I make that!

-Oh, my God!

You made this? Delicious.

So light and flaky and...

If I have a birthday, you're making the cake.

-Stop touching my tarts!

-Oh, jeez, I'm sorry, man.

Don't worry, Craig.

Some people are just unwelcoming.

-Let me show you to your room.

-Sure thing.

Fucking colonists.

So, what's the mix here at International House?

Any Brazilians? Russians?

-Colombians, right?

-Not exactly.

What was that dessert I had?

It was awesome.

-Oh, that was an egg tart.

-Yeah, yeah - but what was it made of?

Er...

-Egg.

-Yeah?

I did not know egg could taste like that.

Hope I wasn't pissing that guy off.

Oh, you probably were, but I wouldn't worry about it.

-Everyone does eventually.

-Well, I mean, is there anything I can do?

I don't want to rock the boat here.

You could just try talking a little softer.

Oh, got it. Drop the decibels.

-Don't want to upset the frat.

-Also, it's not a frat.

310, right?

Right, this is you, man.

-Nice!

-Ow!

Whew! So, this is where the magic happens - am I right?

Are you...talking about sex?

You're damn right I am. So...

How many people do you think are going to come tonight?

-What? To your dick?

-No!

Here. To the party.

I didn't fly 8,000 miles just to study.

OK, first of all, I don't know how far a mile is,

and second of all, you cannot have a party here.

It's against college rules.

Yeah, can you imagine? Elvin would lose it.

OK, what if I have just a few guests?

Well, yeah. You can have a few guests.

Anyone who lives here can have guests.

Right, OK. I'll ask "a few guests".

-Yeah, what does that mean?

-You know...

"Just a few guests". Definitely "not having a party".

Yeah, you don't have to air quote that.

You can have a few guests - but you cannot have a party.

I don't know how to make this any clearer.

I got you. No party.

I don't know why you're touching your nose, but I don't like it.

Man, just having a few friends.

Not having a party in this place that's definitely not a frat.

Yes. There is no double meaning here.

You cannot have a party -

and no more than two guests.

-I got it.

-You say that, but I feel like you don't.

Man, totally hear you.

MUSIC BLARES

-Fuck!

-Oh, my God! These egg tarts are awesome.

You know, we should sell these for money!

Yeah, if there's a kitchen left to make them in.

I specifically told Craig not to have a party.

It's not that bad.

At least everyone's obeying the no shoes rule.

Yeah, sure. No shoes - but feel free to vomit in the rice cooker.

-Come on! You always complain...

-No, it's too loud.

-Turn it down, man.

-..about how insular international students are.

Now, you've got a bunch of outside guests here

to experience your culture.

-CRAIG CHANTS:

-USA! USA!

-ALL: USA! USA! USA! USA!

-Craig...

-Great party, bro!

-How good's this Shwang...ching lau? Shwang...?

-Shaoxing cooking wine.

You shouldn't drink it, it's very high alcohol content.

Oh, is it? Hey, what...what do you call these?

-They are delicious.

-Those are Elvin's egg tarts.

-Alvin wag yah? Wag...?

-Sure. Close enough.

I hope you asked him for permission before you ate them.

-ALL:

-Chug! Chug! Chug!

-Yo, Craig!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

See? I told you this would happen!

You bring in one guest, next thing you know...

Yeah, yeah. I know. Colonisation.

They spoil our resource and corrupt our tradition -

and someone steal all my egg tarts.

Who allowed Craig to bring all the guests, huh?

OK, I'll go talk to him, all right?

Yo, Craig. I very clearly said no more than two guests.

-Do you not speak English, or something?

-Ronny! No, no.

I can read between the lines, man. Back in my old frat...

This isn't a frat!

You've got to ask everyone to leave now.

OK. I think I got a solution.

Everyone, hey! Hey!

-Check, one, two.

-Everybody, listen up.

-Uno momento.

-Craig's got something important to say.

Shh!

OK.

Now, it's coming to my attention that some people here

-don't like the party...

-CROWD BOOS

-..but some people do.

-CROWD CHEERS

I didn't fly 8,000 miles to not have good time.

Thanks, Joderick.

OK. So, how about everyone who doesn't want to party

go to the north side of the house, OK?

And those who want to have a good time, come over here to the south.

CROWD CHEERS

See?! This is exactly what happened back home.

They turned the South against North.

Craig, yo!

Craig! You've got to stop this party, man.

Look, nobody wants to stop the party, OK?

If we do it too soon, it's going to cause instability in the house.

-What?!

-So, I propose a gradual exit strategy.

I promise. There will be a full withdrawal by the morning.

That sounds perfectly reasonable!

Turn down for what?!

MUSIC BLARES

CROWD CHEERS

Get off the raft!

Go back to where you come from!

No! You're not...

Stay... Stay in the South!

Ngh!

Good job on showing Craig around.

What do you say, huh?

"Welcome to International House.

-"Feel free to fucking destroy it."

-How is this my fault?

Whoo! Awesome night.

Ronny! Thanks for letting me ask a few guests over, man.

It was more than a few guests.

Yeah. You think?

Oh, and don't worry about these guys on the floor here.

I just thought it would be easier for them to stay

-than go home before the party.

-You mean after the party?

No, before the actual party.

That thing last night? It was just a pre-party.

The real party's tonight.

You colonise us - and you let this happen.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not colonisation.

It's globalisation.

Cross-cultural exchange at its best, man.

No, no, this American cultural imperialism -

and we taking our independence back.

-Wait, are you guys kicking me out?

-Yes.

-Whoa. I'm sorry.

Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot, OK?

-Was it that egg tart thing?

-It's the whole thing.

Come on. Just look me in the eye

and tell me you didn't have a good time last night.

-We had a terrible time last night.

-We didn't have a good time.

-It was awful.

-It was OK.

Listen, man, after flying 8,000 miles,

wouldn't you rather go to a place that not only accepts your partying

but, like, celebrates it?

Some place you can be as loud and as disgusting as you want.

Where would I go?

-COUGHS:

-Morning. Sick parties, brah! Whoo!

I don't know. Maybe stay with Mick.

Wha...?

Oh, yeah. There's heaps of room at Bradman House.

It's rad fun. Party never stops.

There's a party tonight...

..but be warned - this is Australia, mate.

We go hard.

Dude, I go super-hard.

We go rock-hard, mate.

Like a diamond on Viagra hard.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-I go so hard,

if I was in a car crash my dick would survive intact, still hard.

Then you could use my dick to cut the other survivors

-out of the wreckage.

-OK. That's pretty hard.

OK, you're both really hard.

Just grab yourselves by the dicks and get out.

MAN GROANS

Get out.

Goddamn, they everywhere.

-DOOR BANGS

-Hello?

-No more guests!

Yeah, the party's o...

Shit.

Mrs...Fern?

Ford.

Karen Ford.

Do you have any idea how many university conduct guidelines

your little party violated last night?

-Yeah, about that. So, that international...

-Ten.

Ten violations.

Unauthorised, sick bitchin', totally lit parties

are a violation of your college occupancy agreements -

and they're extremely inconsiderate to other students.

I couldn't agree more.

It was incredibly inconsiderate

for that American student you brought here yesterday

to organise this party without our permission.

You mean Craig?

Yeah. He's the one who's 100% responsible for this.

Actually, Ronny let him have the party.

I said he could have two guests!

Two guests? That's how parties start!

That's what I say. That's what I say.

So where is Craig?

Oh, yeah. He went with this guy, Mick - he's got, like, no sleeves...

Oh, I see.

Easy to blame the person who's not here to defend themselves.

Actually, it's easy to blame the person

-who's totally responsible for something, yes.

-Whatever it is,

you can explain the whole thing

to the student conduct board.

Oh! But we the victim of colonisation.

Anyone who is in my line of vision right now,

I want to see you at the conduct board tomorrow, 1pm.

Too late, I saw you.

Yeah, but what about Craig?

Well, bring Craig along to the hearing

and then we will get to the bottom of this.

OK. We'll bring Craig and you can talk to him yourself.

We've got nothing to hide.

-Argh!

-Aah!

See? Nothing to hide.

I think I've broken my clavicle.

Good!

-Oh, hey.

-Hey.

That party was crazy.

-How's the clean-up?

-We keep finding people in cracks.

Yo, Craig got us in a lot of trouble with that party last night.

-Have you seen him?

-No.

PHONE VIBRATES

I don't think he's here.

Oh, boy.

-Hey, Mom.

-Hi, Ronny!

-Where are you?

-I'm in class right now, actually.

Are you spending all your time playing video games and partying?

-No.

-Some people just don't know how to behave themselves, lah,

when they move away from home for the first time.

Yeah, I think I'm old enough to have self discipline, OK, Mom?

Remember when you were little and we went to Disneyland?

You liked it so much you refused to leave.

Yeah - you slapped the shit out of me in front of everyone.

It hurt me more than it hurt you - but it worked.

You can't solve every problem with a child by beating the shit out of it.

You say that now, lah - wait till you have kids of your own.

-I'm never going to do that to my kids.

-You have kids?

When? What did I tell you about pregnancy?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can't get pregnant through the ass, right?

-So don't worry about it.

-What?

-I gotta go, OK? Love you, bye.

-What are you talking about?

-Right, bye, love, bye...

-Ronny!

-Don't you dare.

-Where...?

-Is that true?

Oh, yeah, I saw a movie about it once.

There's no ovaries in the anus.

No, about your mum slapping you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

With Chinese people you get in trouble for NOT beating your kids.

Morning, everybody.

Property law. More specifically, forced eviction.

Now, they say a man's home is his castle -

but what happens if a man comes home

and finds all of the locks on his castle

have been changed in his absence,

all of his possessions are strewn across the front lawn

in some sort of statement of finality by his soon-to-be ex-wife?

Am I then legally entitled...

..to scale the perimeter of my castle?

Well, am I?

Um...

Er...

No?

And that was the opinion of the police.

Last night.

So, where's Craig, huh? The hearing's at one o'clock.

He must be at Bradman house.

-So where's Bradman house?

-Must be on campus.

-We'll just go to colleges and figure it out.

-It's not on campus.

-What?

-It's a share house on Drummond Street,

filled with degenerate students who have been kicked out of colleges

for waging a constant war against hygiene and sobriety.

Why are you looking for that place?

Oh, we had an American international student

who turned our college into a frat party, so we sent him there.

You ever set fire to a giant pile of tyres?

Er, no. Not lately.

The rubber...

..fuels the fire,

it sucks in all the pure oxygen from around

and belches out poisonous smoke that kills everything that comes near it.

That's Bradman house.

OK, that's cool, but I actually really need those notes.

Sending a bloody American frat boy

to live with a lot of hard drinking Australians -

that's like pouring kerosene onto a tyre fire.

WHOOMPH!

-Should someone be putting that out?

-No.

-Let it burn.

-BELL RINGS

ALL COUGH

All right, I'm going to go get Craig.

-Who's with?

-I'll come. I can handle hard-drinking Australians.

I'll come too. I think you need the backup.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going anywhere near there -

but tell him I want my egg tarts back.

Yo, just make some new ones, man.

Do I look like a fucking bakery?

PARTYING INSIDE

OK. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that's Bradman house.

Are you eating egg tarts?

I'm sorry, I didn't have lunch.

-Do you have any more?

-Yeah.

-They are amazing.

-I know!

What does he put in them?

Eggs, it's just eggs.

-Try some.

-No, let's go.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think my mom was right.

This is what happens when you live without self-discipline

and no-one tells you when to stop.

Well, hey, man, come on in. Welcome to the party!

-Welcome, welcome.

-Hey, Mick.

-Is everyone OK here?

-OK?!

Everyone's great, man.

This is the sickest party ever.

OK, whatever. Please don't tag me on Facebook.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not Facebook. It's Snapchat.

It's in the now.

Snapchat's the now.

It's here one minute and then it's gone, you know?

It's living in the present.

No future. No past.

Only the now. Know what I'm saying?

Sure. We're all here for Craig.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's our guest, man.

-Don't you understand?

-Yeah, I know what guests are.

They're great - but guests eventually leave.

No, no, no. Craig's different, man.

He's a genius.

He combined beer pong, keg stands and boat races, man.

He figured out USA and AUS use the same letters, man!

We're the same, man!

We're the same.

OK, where is he?

-I don't know.

-Is he in here?

He's not going anywhere, man.

-Look, I just need to speak to him.

-I said...

..he's not going anywhere.

Hang on a minute.

Is that an...

..euuug duart?

Can I have a bite? They're delicious.

I'm so hungry...

Wait, Wei Jun, how many egg tarts do you have?

I don't know. Just a couple.

Whoa!

You're the one who took all of Elvin's egg tarts?

I'm sorry! I only meant to take one, but they're so light and fluffy.

I couldn't stop myself.

All right, everybody listen up.

Hey, everybody, yo.

Listen up, everyone.

Hey! I have a bag of egg tarts.

-ALL MURMUR

-What?

All right, fine.

Euuug duarts.

THEY GASP

I don't want any of you, I just want the American.

He's inside. Last room on the left.

All right, let's go, this ain't going to last long. Come on.

-Guys, come on.

-Oh...

We'll hang here and hand them out. Mm!

Craig?

Hey, Craig.

You in here?

Craig?

Craig?

Craig?!

Craig, is that you?

-Where are you from?

-It's Ronny from International House.

I lived there once.

Yeah, yesterday.

Remember, you had a party there that almost destroyed the place

after you specifically told me you would not do that!

-What do you want?

-Listen, we all got into a lot of trouble

because of that party,

so we need you to come with us now to clear our names.

Why would I leave this place?

Everyone's having such a good time.

That's all I want. For people to always have a good time.

Yeah, but are you... still having a good time, Craig?

I always have a good time.

All right. Listen, you can't only have good times, OK?

You also need bad times.

If you just have good times,

how will you even know you're having a good time?

It'll just become the same time.

-Right? Let's go.

-I don't want to leave.

The party isn't over.

Craig, let's go, right now.

No.

What are you going to do about it?

Something my mom would have done a long time ago.

Oh, no!

Agh!

Oh, the horror! The horror!

-Oh!

-Ronny, stop!

Violence is never the answer.

OK, look, I know this looks bad,

but sometimes controlled violence with good intentions is the answer.

Wait, wait!

-I know that smell.

-Yeah!

Remember? Egg tarts.

Do you want some?

So exotically delicious!

Do you have any more?

Yeah. There's a lot more where that came from.

Just come with us.

What are these egg tarts made from again?

Egg, egg, egg!

It's...egg...you... mother...fucker...

Craig Cooper, did you hold a party at International House

that violated rules regarding public indecency, vandalism,

environmental pollution,

noise pollution and ethical treatment of animals?

-That sounds about right.

-OK.

These are very serious offences.

As punishment...

..I give you one official warning.

Three warnings and you could face

the student disciplinary action board.

So what you're saying is I could have one more party

before I get three strikes?

Yes.

-Awesome!

-OK, the rest of you, you're in the clear.

-Oh!

-Thank you.

-OK, very good.

-Thank you very much.

-Craig, you may return to International House.

-Don't cause any more trouble there.

-Oh, don't worry, he won't,

because we kick him out.

-What do you mean?

-We all agree he have to go because he too American.

You do realise you have absolutely no authority to do that?

In fact...

..that constitutes a level three ethnic discrimination violation.

The penalty of which...

..is one official warning to all of you.

-WEI JUN:

-What? No!

-But my record was spotless!

Oh, that's it?

That actually sounded like a pretty serious charge.

-Phew!

-Well... Looks like I'm back.

Totally my bad for culturally colonising you guys.

You're right. I didn't fly 8,000 miles just to do American things.

You mean you didn't fly 12,000 kilometres

just to do American things.

Yeah. Stop being so American!

Hang on. Didn't you guys come all the way to Australia from Asia

and just live exactly like you do back home?

-No.

-What? No! We experience Australian culture!

I am spending so much more time in the sun now.

Look at my tan!

-Yeah, OK.

-Just on that,

what is the maximum number of guests I can invite to International House?

Zero! This whole thing proved

we can't just open up International House

for whatever guests come in,

because they start flooding in and destroy our way of life.

From now on, we need extreme vetting for every guest that comes in.

OK, OK. So what I'm hearing is two guests each.

No, man. No more guests.

All right, I got you.

No, there's no nonverbal communication here.

No guests. No parties.

-Nothing.

-Ronny, Ronny, I totally hear you, man.

Don't touch your nose! No! Zero! Are you kidding me?

We just went through a fucking thing cos you wouldn't listen.

-What about a small gathering?

-No!

A quiet soiree?

Craig, I swear to God...