Episode 3 Ronny Chieng: International Student


Episode 3

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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You got it. You got it. Come on!

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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Oi! Two days till we play the medical students,

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and I am not going to lose to those arrogant, self-righteous,

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stethoscope-wearing soft cocks for a third year running.

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So this is Australian rules football, huh?

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-I guess.

-Good God!

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If I see one more sloppy mark,

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missed kick or poor handball, I'll throw up.

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Why is Dale coaching?

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Cos it makes him happy.

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-Hey!

-Hi, guys.

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-Is Dale OK?

-Yeah, he's great.

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He normally pukes way more than this.

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It still leaves a b...better taste in my mouth

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than this rubbish play.

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-Oh!

-Oh, my God, that guy just jumped off that other guy's face.

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Is that legal?

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Yeah, that's a specky. It's one of the best parts of the game.

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So you can just knee somebody in the face?

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You can do anything if you mark the ball.

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-What's a mark?

-Honestly, what is anything that's going on?

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It's simple.

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There's the ball up.

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The ruckman taps it to the rover, who drills it forward.

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And when it spills from the pack, the pockets gather the prompts

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and snap it through the goals.

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OK, so kick the ball through the goalpost. Got it.

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Between the big sticks is six points,

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between the small ones is one.

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So you get rewarded for missing?

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THEY SHOUT

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Oh!

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Free kick! He wasn't even holding the ball.

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I'm the man. Free kick, Jacko.

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What, that's a foul? How is that different

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to any of the other felony assaults we've been witnessing?

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You can't tackle someone if they're not holding the ball.

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But if they're holding the ball with their hands...?

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You can kill them.

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WHISTLE BLOWS Right, bring it in.

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Oops, got to go.

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Doing great.

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You lot have got to pick your socks up.

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Apart from Asher, that was absolutely pathetic work today,

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now give me five laps. THEY GROAN

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When Jacko wakes up, he can give me ten.

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I'm being soft!

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OK, so this has been fun.

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But I got to go do my stupid group assignment group.

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-Oh, man, I hate group work so much.

-I know.

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Like, if I did this individually, I'd be done by now.

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It's taken us days just to figure out a time to meet up.

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And there's always some asshole that tries to lead the group.

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-Tells everybody what to do.

-I know, right? I hate that guy!

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OK. Hey. Hey.

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Everybody, listen up.

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This thing is due in a week,

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so can we please decide on a time to meet up tomorrow?

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I'm completely fine with any time.

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OK. 4.00pm tomorrow.

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-I can't do that.

-Well, why don't you suggest a time, then, Tom?

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Any other time is perfectly fine, I promise.

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OK. 5pm.

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-No, sorry.

-Tom, I swear to God...

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As a single parent,

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I can only do 4.00am to 6.00am after the first feed,

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or 11.00pm to 1.00am after the last feed.

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How the fuck are we supposed to get anything done if it takes us

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three hours just trying to decide a time to meet up?!

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Can we avoid that sort of language in front of Bubs?

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I don't want him picking that stuff up.

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It's a baby. It doesn't know anything.

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Babies are more aware than most people think.

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In fact, Bubs is very advanced.

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Oh, yeah? Then why doesn't your baby pick a time to meet up, then?

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OK, while you guys have been chit-chatting,

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I e-mailed round a basic structure and introduction.

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PHONES BEEP

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Is it the file called, "Fuck this group assignment"?

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Yeah, that's the one.

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-It's actually pretty good.

-Yeah, I know.

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And I'm not going to let you fucking people pull my grades down,

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even if I have to drag your dumb ass across the finishing line.

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Hey, watch the language in front of Bubs!

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BUBS GURGLES

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Oh, good boy!

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Yo, fuck your baby, man.

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Man, this group assignment is killing me.

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Let's just divide it between us and get it done.

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Are you guys complaining about the group assignment?

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-My group sucks, too.

-Yeah, tell me about it.

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What, you play chatek?

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What? This? This is a jianzi.

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Oh, no, that's da cau. It's, like, the national sport in Vietnam.

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Oh, I didn't know people outside Malaysia played that.

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People outside Malaysia?

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Who do you think invented it?

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China! Do you guys play?

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I don't know, you tell me.

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Check out the Asian feathery bullshit.

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How many chickens did you roger to get this, Chieng?

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You want to play a real sport?

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Keep it. I'm rich.

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Jesus, I feel like Archimedes!

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It's like I'm looking at the future.

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Why are none of you people on my footie team?

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Maybe because we don't know anything about footie?

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Speaking as the coach, I can tell you,

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no-one in the team knows how to play footie.

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With all due respect, sir, even if we wanted to play the game,

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we're too busy right now with your group assignment.

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The group assignment is just meant to teach you how to work in a team

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and you can do that playing football for me.

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So, what you saying?

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I'm saying, if you help me beat the medical students at football,

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I'll give you an A for that group assignment.

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What, you can do that?

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As a licensed professor, I can do whatever the hell I want,

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except, apparently, beat the medical faculty at football.

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So, what do you say? You in?

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Well, I mean. I don't know...

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Hey, guys,

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we've sent you three e-mails about possible meeting times.

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Can you hurry up and get back to me?

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And again, watch the language in front of Bubba-dub-dub.

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RONNY AND ELVIN: OK. We're in.

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-I prefer that.

-Me too.

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You fucking beauty!

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HE BLOWS WHISTLE

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All right! Jacko's out with a severe case of softness.

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His ribs were sticking out of his stomach.

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Yeah, soft. So we've got to rebuild the whole forward line.

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So, we're rebuilding it out of tissue paper.

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Shut up, Daniel. We're only here because you suck at this.

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Do you even know anything about football?

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Yeah, that you suck at it.

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OK. So how exactly are these blow-ins supposed to help us win?

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Like this.

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You can't tackle a player who's not holding the ball.

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This is going to revolutionise the game.

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Yeah, whatever. Can we go now?

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Yeah, I'm starting to perspire.

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Oh, hey, did you tell the group that we're out?

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Yeah, I just sent an e-mail saying, "Fuck you. We quit."

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Yeah, but do you think you were clear enough?

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I'm just glad I don't have to work with any of those idiots again.

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-Oh, fuck.

-Guys, I got your e-mail. You're quitting the group?

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Yeah, so Dale gave us a special assignment to do,

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so we're out. Sorry.

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I know we haven't been the easiest group to work with and, yes,

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you guys have done most of the heavy lifting.

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All the heavy lifting.

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The truth is, you're much better at this than us.

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And even if you're not in the group, we could still really use your help.

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-Oof. I don't know, man.

-I do. No.

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Please? Just come for 20 minutes and point us in the right direction.

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And if you're not going to do it for us,

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at least do it for this little guy?

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Damn it. Do you use your baby as leverage for everything?

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Just please don't let him see his dad as a failure.

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All right, fine. We'll help. But just 20 minutes.

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-What? I'm not going.

-Man, for once in your life can you just pretend

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to care about something other than yourself?

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And what do I get out of that?

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Look this baby in the eye and tell me you don't feel anything.

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I feel nothing.

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Please? Please? Please, Elvin? Please? Pwetty please?

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OK, man, just stop talking like that.

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Your whole baby situation make me want to chop my dick off.

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Please don't chop your dick off, Mr Angry Asian Man.

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What I just say?

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Yeah, OK. 20 minutes and then we're out.

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DOOR CLOSES LOCK BEEPS

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Why are you locking the door?

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We're just making sure we all stay team players

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until our group assignment's finished.

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Are you...

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..kidnapping us right now?

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Well, actually, it's more like false imprisonment,

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since there's a willful detention...

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You don't just turn your back on a group assignment group

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that's been put together at random. This is a sacred bond.

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No. No. You don't understand.

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We have a very important football game to get to tomorrow morning.

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Yeah, Professor Dale let us out of this goddamn group assignment so we

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-could play the game.

-Oh, I see, so if I keep you here

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then you miss the game and you have to join our group again.

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OK, look, at least let me tell the team that I might be

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a bit late for the game. What are you doing with my phone? Yo!

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That was a new generic brand phone!

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Mobile phone radiation can be very harmful to an infant.

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Hey, you don't have to smash mine. Just give it back to me at the...

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OK, let's just go.

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I can't. This fucking dick is using his baby as a human shield.

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What did I say about language?

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-As a single parent...

-You are a terrible person.

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I hope you die and your baby gets a new stepfather.

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-Yeah, your baby smells like shit.

-Smells like shit.

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If I die, I die teaching my kid an important life lesson.

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-What?

-Don't be afraid of getting your hands dirty.

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And thanks for reminding me.

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What have you got for me now, little fella? Huh?

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-Oh!

-All right! All right! We'll do it! We'll do it!

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Can you please change your baby outside?

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There's very poor ventilation in here.

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-Where's Ronny and Elvin?

-I haven't seen them all morning.

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Jesus.

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Declan. Declan.

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Excuse me. Declan.

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-Oh...

-I was just wondering,

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do you deliberately choose the lamest law students every year,

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or is it just that they're always pathetic?

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It's good to see you too, Joanie.

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-It's Joanne.

-Oh.

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I really hope you've got some good doctors for your nerds...

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..after we destroy them.

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Oh, right, that's us.

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Always wondered, Jolene,

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do you eat the hearts that you get out of them cadavers,

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or do you only harvest meat from the living?

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I'm going to take this game,

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like I took your pathetic indifference...

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..and the house and the car and the dog.

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I'd give you the house and that car's a piece of shit anyway.

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And the dog?

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Then I'm going to go for full custody of your balls.

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With no visitation rights.

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Ooh!

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Their team coach is your ex-wife?

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Some free advice - never marry your idol.

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OK.

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Promise me, girl!

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-OK, I promise.

-You were always a loser, Declan.

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Suck it!

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You're a loser.

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SNORING

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I don't think that's the correct use of the word vexed.

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Well, Stephanie, if you had all the answers, we wouldn't be here.

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Excuse me for trying to help!

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If you really want to help, get us some food.

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-There's a vending machine on the second level.

-Go!

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I don't know if I can leave.

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Go now or I milk the laptop.

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-OK. OK. OK.

-It has the only copy of the assignment.

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OK. But I'm taking the swipe card,

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so don't even think about trying to escape.

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OK. She's gone. Let's kill the baby.

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-There's got to be another way out of here?

-There is.

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Have you been here this whole time?

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I was here long before you got here.

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-Why didn't you help us sooner?

-I didn't know you needed help.

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Group work always feels like a hostage situation.

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I remember my first assignment.

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It was 1998. OK Computer had only come out six months before...

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I'm sorry to interrupt you but we have a very important footie game,

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so if you can just help us get out of the room, that'd be great.

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You think it's tough now?

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You try organising a meeting before mobile phones and the internet.

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If we wanted to contact each other,

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we had to write a paper note

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and leave it in our personal pigeon holes.

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What's a pigeon hole?

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OK, that's cool but do you know how to get out of this room?

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Great.

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Where did you get so many swipe cards?

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I'm a post-grad student and a bit of a klepto.

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Yes! Thank you.

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Hey, do you want to come and watch our football game?

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There's lots of fresh air and sunlight.

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It's OK. I'll just stay here and sink into the shadows.

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Um...you know we can still see you.

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-Elvin, let's go.

-I'm not letting these idiots take my work.

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Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

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-After them!

-Shit!

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Where the hell are Ronny and Elvin?

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I've been trying to call them all morning and I can't even get a ring.

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All right.

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Daniel, you go up forward and help Wei-Jun.

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When Ronny and Elvin get here, I'll send them up to take over,

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-after I kill them.

-Sir, thank you so much. I've really wanted to...

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Shut up, Daniel! All right. Everybody, listen up.

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We have lost this game every year for the past three years

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and I think we'd all agree, if we were honest,

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our form in training leading up to today has been poor at best.

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We've lost two of our starting forwards.

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Ex-wife has taken everything.

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Our academic legal textbook magnum opus that we published

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wasn't received very well.

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Now we're stuck teaching ungrateful know-it-all undergraduates.

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Essentially just...

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..waiting around to die.

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Go out there and give me everything you've got.

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Yes, good afternoon, sports fans, and welcome to the uni oval.

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I'm Mick Rosenberg

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and this is the annual undergrad game

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between the law faculty and the medical faculty.

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Joining me in the commentary box is my American friend Craig Cooper.

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-Welcome, Craig.

-Thanks for having me, Mick.

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Are you ready for some Australian rules football?

0:15:510:15:53

Oh, yes. Yes, we are.

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Now, what do you think of the big news coming out of the law faculty

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that Ronny and Elvin will not be in the team?

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Well, I think it's going to come down to who wants it more.

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If they can score more than they let in, they have a chance to win.

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Yep, that'll do.

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KLAXON BLARES

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And they're off!

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-Good work.

-Move it down, move it down!

-Follow it up!

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Whoa!

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I have never seen that before!

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Is this not normal play?

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By keeping the ball in the air with their feet,

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they can't legally be tackled.

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Wei-Jun kicks to Daniel now.

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Daniel fumbles!

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The medical team recover and run away with it.

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What in God's name was that?

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And it's a goal.

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Oh, oh, yes!

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I don't know what the law team are doing but, whatever it is,

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it is not working.

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You useless bastard!

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Ball up.

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To Asher now.

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Law try the same play again

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but Wei-Jun seems to have no-one to kick to.

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Are you unemployed?

0:17:040:17:05

Do some bloody work!

0:17:050:17:07

Come on. Oh! Oh, yes!

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Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

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And it's another goal from the medical faculty, and they are

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really starting to run away with this game, Craig Cooper.

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Yeah, it's a goddamn shit storm out there, Mick.

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I don't know what they're doing.

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If anyone knows where Ronny and Elvin are, get them!

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Fuck.

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BABY: Fuck.

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No.

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Come on. Go, go, go. Let's go.

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At half-time here at the uni oval,

0:18:410:18:45

it is the law faculty ten goals down

0:18:450:18:48

and, oh, they are getting absolutely slaughtered out there.

0:18:480:18:51

You said it, Mick. There's one, two, three, four goalposts

0:18:510:18:54

to kick the ball through and the law team still can't get it done.

0:18:540:18:57

That's right, Craig Cooper, and if they don't make some major changes,

0:18:570:19:01

I really don't see them turning things around here.

0:19:010:19:04

HE RETCHES AND COUGHS

0:19:040:19:06

Jesus!

0:19:060:19:08

The hell is the matter with you people?

0:19:090:19:12

Your execution's even worse than in training.

0:19:120:19:14

We can't execute the game plan if we're missing two key players.

0:19:140:19:18

OK. Fair enough.

0:19:180:19:19

Right, listen up.

0:19:210:19:22

Winning is about self-belief.

0:19:220:19:25

Each of you has got a little champion inside you.

0:19:250:19:28

Each of you is a winner.

0:19:280:19:30

But you've got to look inside yourselves

0:19:300:19:32

and find that little champion and you've got to believe in it.

0:19:320:19:36

If you believe in yourselves,

0:19:360:19:39

you'll know that we don't need Ronny and Elvin to win this game.

0:19:390:19:43

Look inside yourselves,

0:19:430:19:45

believe in yourselves

0:19:450:19:47

and you can do anything...

0:19:470:19:48

Hey!

0:19:480:19:50

Sorry we're late!

0:19:500:19:51

Thank Christ you're here!

0:19:510:19:53

These losers are getting us killed.

0:19:530:19:55

The law team is first out here and what's this?

0:20:010:20:03

It looks like Ronny and Elvin are taking the field.

0:20:030:20:06

I think if Gary Ablett showed up with his son,

0:20:060:20:08

it still wouldn't be enough to turn this score around.

0:20:080:20:11

Why, were those guys no good?

0:20:110:20:13

-No, they were the best to ever play, man.

-Oh, like Jordan and Pippen.

0:20:130:20:17

Was Pippen Jordan's son?

0:20:170:20:18

No.

0:20:180:20:19

Then, no.

0:20:190:20:21

KLAXON BLARES WHISTLE BLOWS

0:20:210:20:22

Asher wins the ball now.

0:20:250:20:27

She goes forward.

0:20:270:20:29

She passes to Ronny

0:20:290:20:32

who kicks it in mid-air.

0:20:320:20:34

-What?!

-What was that?!

0:20:340:20:36

Wait a minute - Wei-Jun's doing the same thing!

0:20:360:20:39

Now Elvin!

0:20:390:20:41

No, no, no, no, no.

0:20:410:20:43

-You bloody...

-Goal!

-..beauty!

0:20:430:20:46

Go, you beautiful Asian children!

0:20:470:20:50

Not legal. That's cheating.

0:20:500:20:53

Goal!

0:21:010:21:03

Here we go, baby.

0:21:030:21:05

-Woo!

-You beauty.

0:21:050:21:06

Poetry in motion!

0:21:060:21:08

Music to my soul.

0:21:080:21:10

They try that again, give them a compound fracture

0:21:100:21:13

of the vastus intermedius of the right anterior femur!

0:21:130:21:15

The law team is catching up.

0:21:250:21:27

That was special.

0:21:270:21:29

I swear to God if we don't win this game, there is going to be

0:21:390:21:41

student-on-student catheter practice for the next week.

0:21:410:21:44

And with just seconds remaining,

0:21:440:21:47

the law faculty are down by just a solitary point.

0:21:470:21:50

If they score beyond the arc, is that worth three points?

0:21:500:21:52

No, because this is Australian rules football.

0:21:520:21:56

Elvin goes down.

0:22:020:22:04

The ball spills to Ronny now,

0:22:040:22:06

who picks it up with his hands for the first time in the game.

0:22:060:22:09

Can he kick it on the run, like a normal player?

0:22:090:22:11

Kick it, Ronny. Kick it!

0:22:110:22:13

Kick it through the big sticks!

0:22:130:22:16

Kick it. Kick the ball.

0:22:160:22:18

SHE GASPS

0:22:220:22:23

-Oh...

-Oh, no! He cracked under pressure and missed the kick.

0:22:230:22:27

But from out of nowhere, Daniel controls the ball Asian style...

0:22:300:22:34

KLAXON

0:22:470:22:48

..and scores a goal!

0:22:480:22:49

Oh, six points! Law win at the buzzer! Law win at the buzzer!

0:22:490:22:52

Is that right?

0:22:520:22:53

-Yes.

-Yes!

-Finally!

-Yes! Go, law!

0:22:530:22:57

And as the sun sets on this historic ground,

0:23:240:23:27

we witness not a game but a moment in history,

0:23:270:23:30

not just for football but for humanity.

0:23:300:23:33

A big thanks to the great man, my colleague Craig Cooper.

0:23:330:23:36

Thank you for having me, Mick.

0:23:360:23:37

The pleasure is all mine.

0:23:370:23:38

I'm Mick Rosenberg and this is Australian rules football.

0:23:380:23:43

So, what station were we broadcasting on?

0:23:430:23:46

Oh, no, we're not broadcasting, mate.

0:23:460:23:48

The mics aren't even plugged in.

0:23:480:23:49

No, it's just to boost morale.

0:23:490:23:52

Oh.

0:23:520:23:53

Where the hell were you?

0:23:560:23:58

Our group assignment group locked us in the study room cos they

0:23:580:24:00

thought we were abandoning them. Man, I hate group assignments.

0:24:000:24:03

Ronny, did you not realise,

0:24:030:24:04

group assignment's not about the assignment?

0:24:040:24:07

It's about learning to work with people you hate

0:24:070:24:10

in a difficult situation and bonding through mutual adversity.

0:24:100:24:15

You've done your group assignment and you got an A...

0:24:150:24:19

Yay!

0:24:190:24:20

..minus, because you missed the first half.

0:24:200:24:23

-What?!

-It wasn't even our fault.

0:24:230:24:25

Ahem...

0:24:250:24:26

I guess I owe you an apology.

0:24:280:24:30

Your Asian feathery bullshit wasn't so bad after all.

0:24:300:24:35

What are you doing? Get the fuck off me.

0:24:370:24:40

Here's the thing.

0:24:400:24:41

After what I saw today, though, I reckon you could play AFL.

0:24:410:24:45

AF what?

0:24:450:24:46

The pros, the big league.

0:24:460:24:48

Uh, thanks but no thanks.

0:24:480:24:50

Ronny, it could be your ticket to a better life.

0:24:500:24:53

You've got nothing to lose?

0:24:530:24:54

Nothing to lose? Our parents paid for us to be here, so we can get

0:24:540:24:57

a better education, so we can go back and get

0:24:570:24:59

reputable professions and/or take over cushy family businesses.

0:24:590:25:02

We literally have everything to lose.

0:25:020:25:05

Yeah. Let's go.

0:25:050:25:07

Thanks for the A minus.

0:25:070:25:09

I want you to remember this, lass.

0:25:150:25:18

What?

0:25:180:25:19

The day the greatest forward line ever...

0:25:210:25:25

..walked away from the game.

0:25:250:25:26

When Professor Dale sees the awesome skills of Ronny, Wei-Jun and Elvin with a shuttlecock, he reasons they could do exactly the same with a ball and makes them the new front line of the college Aussie rules football team. With a serious grudge match on the horizon, the pressure is on for them to help the college avoid yet another humiliating defeat.


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