Episode 3 Ronny Chieng: International Student

This programme contains strong language

You got it. You got it. Come on!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oi! Two days till we play the medical students,

and I am not going to lose to those arrogant, self-righteous,

stethoscope-wearing soft cocks for a third year running.

So this is Australian rules football, huh?

-I guess.

-Good God!

If I see one more sloppy mark,

missed kick or poor handball, I'll throw up.

Why is Dale coaching?

Cos it makes him happy.

-Hey!

-Hi, guys.

-Is Dale OK?

-Yeah, he's great.

He normally pukes way more than this.

It still leaves a b...better taste in my mouth

than this rubbish play.

-Oh!

-Oh, my God, that guy just jumped off that other guy's face.

Is that legal?

Yeah, that's a specky. It's one of the best parts of the game.

So you can just knee somebody in the face?

You can do anything if you mark the ball.

-What's a mark?

-Honestly, what is anything that's going on?

It's simple.

There's the ball up.

The ruckman taps it to the rover, who drills it forward.

And when it spills from the pack, the pockets gather the prompts

and snap it through the goals.

OK, so kick the ball through the goalpost. Got it.

Between the big sticks is six points,

between the small ones is one.

So you get rewarded for missing?

THEY SHOUT

Oh!

Free kick! He wasn't even holding the ball.

I'm the man. Free kick, Jacko.

What, that's a foul? How is that different

to any of the other felony assaults we've been witnessing?

You can't tackle someone if they're not holding the ball.

But if they're holding the ball with their hands...?

You can kill them.

WHISTLE BLOWS Right, bring it in.

Oops, got to go.

Doing great.

You lot have got to pick your socks up.

Apart from Asher, that was absolutely pathetic work today,

now give me five laps. THEY GROAN

When Jacko wakes up, he can give me ten.

I'm being soft!

OK, so this has been fun.

But I got to go do my stupid group assignment group.

-Oh, man, I hate group work so much.

-I know.

Like, if I did this individually, I'd be done by now.

It's taken us days just to figure out a time to meet up.

And there's always some asshole that tries to lead the group.

-Tells everybody what to do.

-I know, right? I hate that guy!

OK. Hey. Hey.

Everybody, listen up.

This thing is due in a week,

so can we please decide on a time to meet up tomorrow?

I'm completely fine with any time.

OK. 4.00pm tomorrow.

-I can't do that.

-Well, why don't you suggest a time, then, Tom?

Any other time is perfectly fine, I promise.

OK. 5pm.

-No, sorry.

-Tom, I swear to God...

As a single parent,

I can only do 4.00am to 6.00am after the first feed,

or 11.00pm to 1.00am after the last feed.

How the fuck are we supposed to get anything done if it takes us

three hours just trying to decide a time to meet up?!

Can we avoid that sort of language in front of Bubs?

I don't want him picking that stuff up.

It's a baby. It doesn't know anything.

Babies are more aware than most people think.

In fact, Bubs is very advanced.

Oh, yeah? Then why doesn't your baby pick a time to meet up, then?

OK, while you guys have been chit-chatting,

I e-mailed round a basic structure and introduction.

PHONES BEEP

Is it the file called, "Fuck this group assignment"?

Yeah, that's the one.

-It's actually pretty good.

-Yeah, I know.

And I'm not going to let you fucking people pull my grades down,

even if I have to drag your dumb ass across the finishing line.

Hey, watch the language in front of Bubs!

BUBS GURGLES

Oh, good boy!

Yo, fuck your baby, man.

Man, this group assignment is killing me.

Let's just divide it between us and get it done.

Are you guys complaining about the group assignment?

-My group sucks, too.

-Yeah, tell me about it.

What, you play chatek?

What? This? This is a jianzi.

Oh, no, that's da cau. It's, like, the national sport in Vietnam.

Oh, I didn't know people outside Malaysia played that.

People outside Malaysia?

Who do you think invented it?

China! Do you guys play?

I don't know, you tell me.

Check out the Asian feathery bullshit.

How many chickens did you roger to get this, Chieng?

You want to play a real sport?

Keep it. I'm rich.

Jesus, I feel like Archimedes!

It's like I'm looking at the future.

Why are none of you people on my footie team?

Maybe because we don't know anything about footie?

Speaking as the coach, I can tell you,

no-one in the team knows how to play footie.

With all due respect, sir, even if we wanted to play the game,

we're too busy right now with your group assignment.

The group assignment is just meant to teach you how to work in a team

and you can do that playing football for me.

So, what you saying?

I'm saying, if you help me beat the medical students at football,

I'll give you an A for that group assignment.

What, you can do that?

As a licensed professor, I can do whatever the hell I want,

except, apparently, beat the medical faculty at football.

So, what do you say? You in?

Well, I mean. I don't know...

Hey, guys,

we've sent you three e-mails about possible meeting times.

Can you hurry up and get back to me?

And again, watch the language in front of Bubba-dub-dub.

RONNY AND ELVIN: OK. We're in.

-I prefer that.

-Me too.

You fucking beauty!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

All right! Jacko's out with a severe case of softness.

His ribs were sticking out of his stomach.

Yeah, soft. So we've got to rebuild the whole forward line.

So, we're rebuilding it out of tissue paper.

Shut up, Daniel. We're only here because you suck at this.

Do you even know anything about football?

Yeah, that you suck at it.

OK. So how exactly are these blow-ins supposed to help us win?

Like this.

You can't tackle a player who's not holding the ball.

This is going to revolutionise the game.

Yeah, whatever. Can we go now?

Yeah, I'm starting to perspire.

Oh, hey, did you tell the group that we're out?

Yeah, I just sent an e-mail saying, "Fuck you. We quit."

Yeah, but do you think you were clear enough?

I'm just glad I don't have to work with any of those idiots again.

-Oh, fuck.

-Guys, I got your e-mail. You're quitting the group?

Yeah, so Dale gave us a special assignment to do,

so we're out. Sorry.

I know we haven't been the easiest group to work with and, yes,

you guys have done most of the heavy lifting.

All the heavy lifting.

The truth is, you're much better at this than us.

And even if you're not in the group, we could still really use your help.

-Oof. I don't know, man.

-I do. No.

Please? Just come for 20 minutes and point us in the right direction.

And if you're not going to do it for us,

at least do it for this little guy?

Damn it. Do you use your baby as leverage for everything?

Just please don't let him see his dad as a failure.

All right, fine. We'll help. But just 20 minutes.

-What? I'm not going.

-Man, for once in your life can you just pretend

to care about something other than yourself?

And what do I get out of that?

Look this baby in the eye and tell me you don't feel anything.

I feel nothing.

Please? Please? Please, Elvin? Please? Pwetty please?

OK, man, just stop talking like that.

Your whole baby situation make me want to chop my dick off.

Please don't chop your dick off, Mr Angry Asian Man.

What I just say?

Yeah, OK. 20 minutes and then we're out.

DOOR CLOSES LOCK BEEPS

Why are you locking the door?

We're just making sure we all stay team players

until our group assignment's finished.

Are you...

..kidnapping us right now?

Well, actually, it's more like false imprisonment,

since there's a willful detention...

You don't just turn your back on a group assignment group

that's been put together at random. This is a sacred bond.

No. No. You don't understand.

We have a very important football game to get to tomorrow morning.

Yeah, Professor Dale let us out of this goddamn group assignment so we

-could play the game.

-Oh, I see, so if I keep you here

then you miss the game and you have to join our group again.

OK, look, at least let me tell the team that I might be

a bit late for the game. What are you doing with my phone? Yo!

That was a new generic brand phone!

Mobile phone radiation can be very harmful to an infant.

Hey, you don't have to smash mine. Just give it back to me at the...

OK, let's just go.

I can't. This fucking dick is using his baby as a human shield.

What did I say about language?

-As a single parent...

-You are a terrible person.

I hope you die and your baby gets a new stepfather.

-Yeah, your baby smells like shit.

-Smells like shit.

If I die, I die teaching my kid an important life lesson.

-What?

-Don't be afraid of getting your hands dirty.

And thanks for reminding me.

What have you got for me now, little fella? Huh?

-Oh!

-All right! All right! We'll do it! We'll do it!

Can you please change your baby outside?

There's very poor ventilation in here.

-Where's Ronny and Elvin?

-I haven't seen them all morning.

Jesus.

Declan. Declan.

Excuse me. Declan.

-Oh...

-I was just wondering,

do you deliberately choose the lamest law students every year,

or is it just that they're always pathetic?

It's good to see you too, Joanie.

-It's Joanne.

-Oh.

I really hope you've got some good doctors for your nerds...

..after we destroy them.

Oh, right, that's us.

Always wondered, Jolene,

do you eat the hearts that you get out of them cadavers,

or do you only harvest meat from the living?

I'm going to take this game,

like I took your pathetic indifference...

..and the house and the car and the dog.

I'd give you the house and that car's a piece of shit anyway.

And the dog?

Then I'm going to go for full custody of your balls.

With no visitation rights.

Ooh!

Their team coach is your ex-wife?

Some free advice - never marry your idol.

OK.

Promise me, girl!

-OK, I promise.

-You were always a loser, Declan.

Suck it!

You're a loser.

SNORING

I don't think that's the correct use of the word vexed.

Well, Stephanie, if you had all the answers, we wouldn't be here.

Excuse me for trying to help!

If you really want to help, get us some food.

-There's a vending machine on the second level.

-Go!

I don't know if I can leave.

Go now or I milk the laptop.

-OK. OK. OK.

-It has the only copy of the assignment.

OK. But I'm taking the swipe card,

so don't even think about trying to escape.

OK. She's gone. Let's kill the baby.

-There's got to be another way out of here?

-There is.

Have you been here this whole time?

I was here long before you got here.

-Why didn't you help us sooner?

-I didn't know you needed help.

Group work always feels like a hostage situation.

I remember my first assignment.

It was 1998. OK Computer had only come out six months before...

I'm sorry to interrupt you but we have a very important footie game,

so if you can just help us get out of the room, that'd be great.

You think it's tough now?

You try organising a meeting before mobile phones and the internet.

If we wanted to contact each other,

we had to write a paper note

and leave it in our personal pigeon holes.

What's a pigeon hole?

OK, that's cool but do you know how to get out of this room?

Great.

Where did you get so many swipe cards?

I'm a post-grad student and a bit of a klepto.

Yes! Thank you.

Hey, do you want to come and watch our football game?

There's lots of fresh air and sunlight.

It's OK. I'll just stay here and sink into the shadows.

Um...you know we can still see you.

-Elvin, let's go.

-I'm not letting these idiots take my work.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

-After them!

-Shit!

Where the hell are Ronny and Elvin?

I've been trying to call them all morning and I can't even get a ring.

All right.

Daniel, you go up forward and help Wei-Jun.

When Ronny and Elvin get here, I'll send them up to take over,

-after I kill them.

-Sir, thank you so much. I've really wanted to...

Shut up, Daniel! All right. Everybody, listen up.

We have lost this game every year for the past three years

and I think we'd all agree, if we were honest,

our form in training leading up to today has been poor at best.

We've lost two of our starting forwards.

Ex-wife has taken everything.

Our academic legal textbook magnum opus that we published

wasn't received very well.

Now we're stuck teaching ungrateful know-it-all undergraduates.

Essentially just...

..waiting around to die.

Go out there and give me everything you've got.

Yes, good afternoon, sports fans, and welcome to the uni oval.

I'm Mick Rosenberg

and this is the annual undergrad game

between the law faculty and the medical faculty.

Joining me in the commentary box is my American friend Craig Cooper.

-Welcome, Craig.

-Thanks for having me, Mick.

Are you ready for some Australian rules football?

Oh, yes. Yes, we are.

Now, what do you think of the big news coming out of the law faculty

that Ronny and Elvin will not be in the team?

Well, I think it's going to come down to who wants it more.

If they can score more than they let in, they have a chance to win.

Yep, that'll do.

KLAXON BLARES

And they're off!

-Good work.

-Move it down, move it down!

-Follow it up!

Whoa!

I have never seen that before!

Is this not normal play?

By keeping the ball in the air with their feet,

they can't legally be tackled.

Wei-Jun kicks to Daniel now.

Daniel fumbles!

The medical team recover and run away with it.

What in God's name was that?

And it's a goal.

Oh, oh, yes!

I don't know what the law team are doing but, whatever it is,

it is not working.

You useless bastard!

Ball up.

To Asher now.

Law try the same play again

but Wei-Jun seems to have no-one to kick to.

Are you unemployed?

Do some bloody work!

Come on. Oh! Oh, yes!

Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

And it's another goal from the medical faculty, and they are

really starting to run away with this game, Craig Cooper.

Yeah, it's a goddamn shit storm out there, Mick.

I don't know what they're doing.

If anyone knows where Ronny and Elvin are, get them!

Fuck.

BABY: Fuck.

No.

Come on. Go, go, go. Let's go.

At half-time here at the uni oval,

it is the law faculty ten goals down

and, oh, they are getting absolutely slaughtered out there.

You said it, Mick. There's one, two, three, four goalposts

to kick the ball through and the law team still can't get it done.

That's right, Craig Cooper, and if they don't make some major changes,

I really don't see them turning things around here.

HE RETCHES AND COUGHS

Jesus!

The hell is the matter with you people?

Your execution's even worse than in training.

We can't execute the game plan if we're missing two key players.

OK. Fair enough.

Right, listen up.

Winning is about self-belief.

Each of you has got a little champion inside you.

Each of you is a winner.

But you've got to look inside yourselves

and find that little champion and you've got to believe in it.

If you believe in yourselves,

you'll know that we don't need Ronny and Elvin to win this game.

Look inside yourselves,

believe in yourselves

and you can do anything...

Hey!

Sorry we're late!

Thank Christ you're here!

These losers are getting us killed.

The law team is first out here and what's this?

It looks like Ronny and Elvin are taking the field.

I think if Gary Ablett showed up with his son,

it still wouldn't be enough to turn this score around.

Why, were those guys no good?

-No, they were the best to ever play, man.

-Oh, like Jordan and Pippen.

Was Pippen Jordan's son?

No.

Then, no.

KLAXON BLARES WHISTLE BLOWS

Asher wins the ball now.

She goes forward.

She passes to Ronny

who kicks it in mid-air.

-What?!

-What was that?!

Wait a minute - Wei-Jun's doing the same thing!

Now Elvin!

No, no, no, no, no.

-You bloody...

-Goal!

-..beauty!

Go, you beautiful Asian children!

Not legal. That's cheating.

Goal!

Here we go, baby.

-Woo!

-You beauty.

Poetry in motion!

Music to my soul.

They try that again, give them a compound fracture

of the vastus intermedius of the right anterior femur!

The law team is catching up.

That was special.

I swear to God if we don't win this game, there is going to be

student-on-student catheter practice for the next week.

And with just seconds remaining,

the law faculty are down by just a solitary point.

If they score beyond the arc, is that worth three points?

No, because this is Australian rules football.

Elvin goes down.

The ball spills to Ronny now,

who picks it up with his hands for the first time in the game.

Can he kick it on the run, like a normal player?

Kick it, Ronny. Kick it!

Kick it through the big sticks!

Kick it. Kick the ball.

SHE GASPS

-Oh...

-Oh, no! He cracked under pressure and missed the kick.

But from out of nowhere, Daniel controls the ball Asian style...

KLAXON

..and scores a goal!

Oh, six points! Law win at the buzzer! Law win at the buzzer!

Is that right?

-Yes.

-Yes!

-Finally!

-Yes! Go, law!

And as the sun sets on this historic ground,

we witness not a game but a moment in history,

not just for football but for humanity.

A big thanks to the great man, my colleague Craig Cooper.

Thank you for having me, Mick.

The pleasure is all mine.

I'm Mick Rosenberg and this is Australian rules football.

So, what station were we broadcasting on?

Oh, no, we're not broadcasting, mate.

The mics aren't even plugged in.

No, it's just to boost morale.

Oh.

Where the hell were you?

Our group assignment group locked us in the study room cos they

thought we were abandoning them. Man, I hate group assignments.

Ronny, did you not realise,

group assignment's not about the assignment?

It's about learning to work with people you hate

in a difficult situation and bonding through mutual adversity.

You've done your group assignment and you got an A...

Yay!

..minus, because you missed the first half.

-What?!

-It wasn't even our fault.

Ahem...

I guess I owe you an apology.

Your Asian feathery bullshit wasn't so bad after all.

What are you doing? Get the fuck off me.

Here's the thing.

After what I saw today, though, I reckon you could play AFL.

AF what?

The pros, the big league.

Uh, thanks but no thanks.

Ronny, it could be your ticket to a better life.

You've got nothing to lose?

Nothing to lose? Our parents paid for us to be here, so we can get

a better education, so we can go back and get

reputable professions and/or take over cushy family businesses.

We literally have everything to lose.

Yeah. Let's go.

Thanks for the A minus.

I want you to remember this, lass.

What?

The day the greatest forward line ever...

..walked away from the game.