Episode 4 Ronny Chieng: International Student

This programme contains strong language

-GROUP CHANTING:

-Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Karaoke's got to go!

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Karaoke's got to go!

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Karaoke's got to go! Hey...

Man, white people love protesting.

There's, like, shit going down here every other day.

Stop cultural appropriation!

Stop karaoke night!

You've never felt injustice you had to stand up for?

Even if I did, I can't do anything about it.

My student visa conditions prevent me from participating

-in political protests.

-No, that can't be true.

-Yeah, it is.

-Wow.

I had no idea you were living under this oppression.

You're living under this oppression too.

-What do you mean?

-You're here on a student visa, right?

-Yeah, so?

-That means you're an international student.

-Yeah, but I'm American, OK?

Our rights travel with us.

No, that's not how it works.

Hey, guys. Guys, can I get you to keep walking, cos we're just

going to shut down this protest?

Yeah. It's fine, we're not protesting.

That doesn't matter. I just need you to move on so we can clear the area.

Or else, what, you're going to beat the shit out of us?

No, I'm just asking you to move on, mate.

It's OK. I'm sorry, he just doesn't like people telling him what to do.

Yo, I will move when I'm goddamn ready to move and not one second earlier.

-No, I reckon you'll start moving right now, champ.

-Oh, yeah?

-You just going to stand here all day now?

-Yeah,

you can't let people with no authority

push you around, that's how dictatorships happen.

OK, Malcolm X. Come on. Let's go before your visa gets cancelled.

OK, but I'm only moving right now because I choose to,

not because I'm following your instructions.

Yeah, whatever, arsehole!

Oh, hey, look, they opened a bubble tea place

right next to where Asher works.

Bubble tea? What the hell is bubble tea?

-Bubble tea, you've never had bubble tea before?

-No.

What's that floating black shit?

It's pearls.

What the fuck, man? Pearls aren't for eating.

They're made of tapioca, you idiot.

Still. God, it looks like something from Fear Factor.

Do you get that reference?

Yeah, no-one's asking you to try it, all right?

No offence, man, it does not look good.

You left America to not experience any other cultures?

-Yeah, that makes sense.

-You saying I'm not game to try anything new?

Yeah. I'm saying that drink has more balls than you do.

-Hello?

-Hi.

-Hey.

-Thanks for stopping by.

-Yeah, no problem.

-Ooh, do you want some raw almonds?

-No, I'm OK.

Is this a shop, or where people dump their used food?

Oh, not fancy enough for you?

Fancy? It's a hygiene issue.

People are going to eat this, right?

As long as I've been here, we've never had any complaints.

Maybe because everyone died immediately after eating it.

Why's it so grubby?

Oh, my God, look, the fruit, someone took a bite out of this.

-And why does everything look like it's been dragged through the mud?

-Because it's farm to table.

More like shit to mouth.

This is where socially conscious people on a budget shop.

Well, why are there no price tags?

How do you know how much anything costs?

It's pay what you feel.

Pay what you feel?

Yeah, we have a donation bowl.

OK, so your business model is begging.

Got it. So then why do you even need to be here?

It's just a job, Ronny. Calm down.

PHONE CHIMES

-Oh, shit.

-What?

I totally forgot I have a meeting with Professor Dale right now to

-discuss my last essay.

-So, go.

I have to tell him I can't make it.

What, because of this?

No, no, no. Your first job is being a student.

You can't wreck a 100,000 degree to make, like...

..what, 20 bucks an hour?

15?

Coin and half a muffin?

-Well, then, what are you even doing here?

-I need this job.

You don't work and your parents pay for everything.

I can't do uni work if I'm homeless and starving.

Wait, hang on, how about I just cover your shift for the day?

It's harder than you think.

What if you fuck something up?

There is an open vat of self-serve yoghurt with animal hair in it.

-I don't think I can fuck it up any more.

-All right. All right.

I got this. Trust me, I got it.

-Go, go, go, go, go.

-I'll tell Todd you're covering my shift for me.

Just...please don't get me fired.

-Trust me, I got this.

-I'll be back in an hour, tops.

-Take the whole day if you want.

-We'll see about that.

-Just stand behind the counter and help customers.

-What, I can't help customers from the front?

I'm joking. I'm just joking.

See, behind the counter.

Go, go, go, I got it.

What IS this?!

What is grass jelly?

Red bean...and tea?

What the fuck?!

Oh, hey, Wei Jun.

So, what's good here?

Uh...bubble tea.

Yeah, right? I'm really up for something exotic today.

Really want to experience some international culture.

What are you having?

Uh, taro milk tea with taro pudding.

Yeah, I'll get one too.

First time for everything, right?

Hey, can I get two taro milks?

You want pearls?

Yeah, sure. You know what? Extra pearls.

Go hard or go home, right? Put that shit in.

Keep the change.

Thank you.

Cheers, everyone. To international experiences.

-VOICEOVER:

-Wait, what is this taste?

It's so creamy, but sweet.

And the pearls,

chewy and refreshing.

I've never had anything like this before.

It's... It's... It's...

..amaaaziiing!

What are you doing?

Get down.

These animals.

Paying for stuff with string. What the fuck is this?

Ah!

Oh, sorry, I don't have any spare change, but feel free to take

whatever rotting fruit you want.

I'm Todd. Asher told me you were taking over her shift.

Oh, Todd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks for letting me take over on such short notice.

No problem. So, what kind of retail experience do you have?

Uh, well, I've been in lots of shops and I'm a really quick learner,

and I'm great at following instructions.

OK. Well, how about you start with the produce over here?

-Oh, like, stacking it?

-No, rubbing dirt on it.

People love that organic fresh-from-the-ground feel

with their produce.

OK, here's a crazy suggestion.

I think more people would buy the produce

if it looked clean and edible.

-Just putting it out there.

-Are we going to have a problem here? Because Asher vouched for you.

No, yeah, yeah, of course. I'm sorry, you're right. Whatever you want.

I'll rub whatever you want onto anything... You're in charge.

But when you're done with the produce, if you really want to clean something, you can deal with

the self-serve grain station over here.

Oh, you want me to throw that shit out?

-Yeah, no problem.

-No, I want you to sort through it.

You want me to...

You want me to organise the grain?

There's like a family of mice living in this.

This is a hygiene situation. You've got to throw this out.

I don't want you to throw anything out, OK?

So, you want me to sort through this grain by grain?

-That's going to take some time.

-Yeah. No pain, no grain.

Yo, can I get a passion fruit popping boba with pearls?

Coconut grape jelly with pearls!

Jasmine green milk with pearls.

Mmm!

Signature frozen hot chocolate with pearls.

Grape coconut jelly popping boba.

Huh, huh, huh!

You want pearls?

You're reading my mind, man.

Can you please put your shirt back on?!

How's it looking, Ronny Chieng?

Well, the foxtail millet and the finger millet was a nightmare to separate.

But I think I got the rest done.

Nice work. I've got to split for a bit, but while I'm gone, I've got another job for you.

-OK.

-It would really help the store

if you could hand-wash these bandanas.

Is this personal or work-related?

Oh, totally work-related.

If I have to do it, I spend less time working in the store.

OK, well, I don't know if your laundry

is in my official job description.

Hey, man, this is what working at a co-op is all about.

Everyone has to play their part.

So, can you play your part, or do I need to call Asher

and get her back here?

-No, I can do it.

-Thanks, man, it really means a lot.

Ronny! Um, have you got any jerky?

I've got a couple of rough units coming round. We need to stock up.

-Uh, if it's not on the shelf, we're out.

-Oh, damn.

Oh! I'll get some yoghurt.

Um...

SPLASH!

-Is that chewing gum?

-Yeah, spearmint.

Enjoy.

What are you doing?

Gah...

Oh, oh...

Um, do you have a cloth?

Or maybe a hessian sack?

I have spilled a significant amount of yoggie on the floor.

Yeah, you think?

Do you know what? I've got this.

A bit of DIY cleaning

and it should be...

You're just rubbing it into the carpet.

-Just stop.

-Do you have a plastic bag?

This one's got a hole in it.

Stop, man, dude, just go. Just go, man, don't worry about it.

Oh, God, um...

Sorry. Let me...

Just get the fuck out!

You're a goddamn animal, Mick!

Who the fuck eats that much dairy?

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Intruder spotted!

What show is this?

Initiate fight sequence!

Yaaaa!

Hey, does anyone know what show this is?

Ya!

-Argh!

-Argh!

Hey!

HEY!

Hey, dumbass!

-You talking to me?

-Yeah, you.

Super Dumbass. What the hell do you think you're doing?

-Just chillin'.

-Why are you chilling here?

Because. I'm trying to experience international cultures.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm getting to know how international people live.

OK. OK, OK, OK.

Firstly, why do you keep calling them international?

Because they are from other countries.

And where are you from?

-My country.

-Yes, don't you see, you dumb fuck?

You're not in your country now, therefore...

What are you trying to say?

I'm saying the real monster is cultural ignorance.

You self-centred, jingoistic, egotistic, narcissistic idiot.

-Idiot.

-Idiot.

-Idiot.

-Idiot.

-Idiot.

"IDIOT" ECHOES

-THROUGH MEGAPHONE:

-Hey, Ronnie Chieng!

Sorry, man, just testing this out.

Got a real big protest this afternoon.

What are you protesting - hearing?

Social justice activism is a very important part

of this co-op community. I'm not just here to make money.

Well, that's good because you're not making any.

Where's the...self-serve yoghurt?

It got compromised, I had to throw it out.

But I specifically told you not to throw stuff out.

Yeah, but we had an incident when this guy...

Look, man, Asher said I could trust you.

Yes, you can.

That's good. Because I've got a real important job for you.

It's lunch hour now

and I need you to put this on and do some marketing.

-What is it?

-It's our shop logo, it's a pile of almonds.

Why didn't you just make it one big almond?

When you make it a bag of almonds,

it looks like someone took a shit in a bag.

Either way, it definitely draws a crowd,

so just put it on and hand out some free almonds.

Yeah, you know what, Todd, I'm going to pass on this one.

Mate... This is not really me asking, this is kind of an order.

OK!

Which way... How do you...

That's the front.

-And then, what, go under the...

-Straight in.

Free sample.

You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.

That's a giant turd in a bag!

I am actually a pile of almonds in a bag!

Free sample.

You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.

Oi! Fuck off, you nut fuck!

You know, I understand that.

I've been ignorant about being ignorant.

I came here trying to experience international culture, but really,

all that was happening was international people

were just experiencing MY culture.

I mean, I'm the foreigner here, you know what I mean?

Also, why am I trying to cram the entire Asian experience

into one day? I should be enjoying the journey.

Breathing it in, taking my time.

I mean, look at all this authentic Asian stuff.

Actually, bubble tea is from Taiwan, that show is Japanese and

I'm from the Philippines.

Asian culture is not a monolith,

so this place really isn't authentic anything.

I am learning so much from you.

Ronny Chieng. You look like nobody wants free almonds.

Yeah, because nobody wants free almonds.

But the thing is, almonds are a superfood,

and right now you're really not giving off a super vibe.

Well, maybe it's because I look like a big bag of shit

and people think I'm trying to give them smaller pieces of shit.

I'm sensing you're not really enjoying working here.

-Oh, really?

-Maybe you're just not good at following instructions.

I have done everything you asked of me, including your personal errands.

And also, are you a front for the Mafia?

Because this place is run so badly,

that's the only explanation I can think of of why it is still open.

Have you been vaccinated?

Cos I think you might be autistic.

If you don't like it, you don't have to be here.

Oh, OK, great, I'll just go, then.

OK, but seeing as you're filling in for Asher, if you go,

I guess that means she goes too.

You know what, Todd, that's fine.

I'm sure she can get a better job at a better place that knows how to

respect its employees.

Good day to you.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hey, Ronny, I was just telling Professor Dale

how lucky I was for you to cover my shift,

cos we had a very productive meeting.

Yeah, glad I could help.

So, how was your first day of work?

You haven't been fired yet, right(?)

Yeah, I technically have not been fired...yet.

But... Oh, great. I'm glad it's working out.

To be honest, I was genuinely a little worried about you covering for me,

just because it's really hard to find a job on campus.

Yeah, but is it really, though? I feel like the economy is booming,

plenty of shops opening up, you know, like the bubble tea place?

Like, lots of other jobs are available, if you actually went to look, I'm sure you'd find...

Maybe, but definitely not on campus.

Everyone wants to work on campus.

I'd hate to work off-campus.

Can you just imagine how tough it would be to do that

and make it to class?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that would be tough.

Yeah, I'm very lucky to get some shifts there.

OK, I'm coming back right now.

Just hold out a few more minutes.

-Bye.

-Bye!

Shit!

Hey, Todd,

listen, I'm sorry about before.

I shouldn't have quit. Please don't fire Asher because of me.

I don't know, man, we are a very socially conscious group here,

and we don't want...fuck heads in our group.

I'm not a fuck head.

I'm sorry. Please, give Asher back this job, I'll do whatever you want.

That's great to hear.

You know why? That protest I've been talking about all day is going down right now.

We need as many people as we can get.

Oh, OK, well, protesting is actually the one thing I can't do,

it's against my student visa condition.

What are you worried about? You've got the perfect disguise!

No, it's way too risky. I could get kicked out the country.

You know what else is risky?

Working illegally on a student visa, like you've been doing all day.

Wow, you're a bigger piece of shit than this costume.

I'm not the one committing visa fraud.

What are we protesting?

The bubble tea shop.

We are tired of multinational corporations coming onto this campus and

turning it into a soulless strip mall.

But the bubble tea place is like the only Asian dessert place on campus.

Don't you think a bunch of white people protesting it could look bad?

Ronny Chieng. Of course we appreciate how sensitive issues of race can be.

We'll be very respectful.

OK, I've got the eggs, let's bomb these bastards back to where they came from!

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Let's go!

-PROTESTORS:

-Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

What the hell is going on out there?

Multinational corporations are a stain on the fabric of this campus!

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Do you know how many food miles is chalked up by a single bubble tea?

It's a lot. OK?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

-And everyone who drinks bubble tea

is complicit in environmental pollution

in the name of corporate greed.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Everyone, start posting now.

Hashtag BurstYourBubbleTea.

The first letter of each word's capitalised.

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

Hey, you're being incredibly intolerant of international -

I mean, Asian culture.

Stop disrespecting one of the only piazzas of the Asian community!

-ALL:

-Booo! Booo!

SLOWED DOWN BOOING

Yah!

Hey, hippies!

Is that the best you can do?

Raaaargh!

Did you know almonds contain healthy fats?

Fibre, protein, magnesium and vitamin E!

No, cos they're too dry and they taste like shit!

I reduce blood sugar and cholesterol levels

and help reduce blood pressure!

Ah-ha-a-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-a-ha-ha!

Yaaaaah!

Not so fast.

How about a free taste... of my nuts?!

Self-serve yoghurt blaster, engage!

Noooooo!

Aaaargh!

Argh!

What's going on here?

Ronny Chieng from International House?

Are you participating in a protest?

Because that is a direct violation

of your international student visa conditions.

Uh, no, I'm just having a fight.

Oh, OK, then.

Ooh, yeah!

Looks like our work here is done.

What are you talking about? You all got your asses kicked by one guy.

Yeah. I just got ten likes in four minutes.

It's official, this protest has gone viral!

-ALL:

-Yeah! Yeah!

But your protest doesn't change a thing.

Come on, I just found out that international students aren't allowed to protest.

-Booo!

-It's racist and a direct violation of human rights.

Let's go to the Vice Chancellor's office and tell her this is not OK.

-ALL:

-Yeah! Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho!

International student visa limitations on freedom of speech have got to go!

Give international students a voice! Let their voice be heard.

Ronny, what the hell's going on here?

Hey, your job sucks.

Let their voice be heard!

-What?

-I said, man, your job sucks!

I told you it would be harder than you thought.

But, hey, thank you so much for covering for me,

it was really productive.

Yeah, no problems, easy, any time.

Oh, my head.

I blacked out.

-What happened?

-What happened?

You went ballistic and fought everyone.

With yoghurt.

I'm sorry, man, I was just trying to have an international experience,

but I drank way too much bubble tea

and I think I attacked a bunch of people.

So I don't know what I experienced.

Well, you drank too much and got into a fight.

Mate, it sounds like you just experienced Australian culture.

Oh, yeah.

-IN BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Cheers, mate!

-BOTH:

-Cheers.