Episode 4 Ronny Chieng: International Student


Episode 4

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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-GROUP CHANTING:

-Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Karaoke's got to go!

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Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Karaoke's got to go!

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Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Karaoke's got to go! Hey...

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Man, white people love protesting.

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There's, like, shit going down here every other day.

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Stop cultural appropriation!

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Stop karaoke night!

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You've never felt injustice you had to stand up for?

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Even if I did, I can't do anything about it.

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My student visa conditions prevent me from participating

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-in political protests.

-No, that can't be true.

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-Yeah, it is.

-Wow.

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I had no idea you were living under this oppression.

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You're living under this oppression too.

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-What do you mean?

-You're here on a student visa, right?

-Yeah, so?

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-That means you're an international student.

-Yeah, but I'm American, OK?

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Our rights travel with us.

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No, that's not how it works.

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Hey, guys. Guys, can I get you to keep walking, cos we're just

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going to shut down this protest?

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Yeah. It's fine, we're not protesting.

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That doesn't matter. I just need you to move on so we can clear the area.

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Or else, what, you're going to beat the shit out of us?

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No, I'm just asking you to move on, mate.

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It's OK. I'm sorry, he just doesn't like people telling him what to do.

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Yo, I will move when I'm goddamn ready to move and not one second earlier.

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-No, I reckon you'll start moving right now, champ.

-Oh, yeah?

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-You just going to stand here all day now?

-Yeah,

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you can't let people with no authority

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push you around, that's how dictatorships happen.

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OK, Malcolm X. Come on. Let's go before your visa gets cancelled.

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OK, but I'm only moving right now because I choose to,

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not because I'm following your instructions.

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Yeah, whatever, arsehole!

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Oh, hey, look, they opened a bubble tea place

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right next to where Asher works.

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Bubble tea? What the hell is bubble tea?

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-Bubble tea, you've never had bubble tea before?

-No.

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What's that floating black shit?

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It's pearls.

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What the fuck, man? Pearls aren't for eating.

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They're made of tapioca, you idiot.

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Still. God, it looks like something from Fear Factor.

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Do you get that reference?

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Yeah, no-one's asking you to try it, all right?

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No offence, man, it does not look good.

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You left America to not experience any other cultures?

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-Yeah, that makes sense.

-You saying I'm not game to try anything new?

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Yeah. I'm saying that drink has more balls than you do.

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-Hello?

-Hi.

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-Hey.

-Thanks for stopping by.

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-Yeah, no problem.

-Ooh, do you want some raw almonds?

-No, I'm OK.

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Is this a shop, or where people dump their used food?

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Oh, not fancy enough for you?

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Fancy? It's a hygiene issue.

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People are going to eat this, right?

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As long as I've been here, we've never had any complaints.

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Maybe because everyone died immediately after eating it.

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Why's it so grubby?

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Oh, my God, look, the fruit, someone took a bite out of this.

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-And why does everything look like it's been dragged through the mud?

-Because it's farm to table.

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More like shit to mouth.

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This is where socially conscious people on a budget shop.

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Well, why are there no price tags?

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How do you know how much anything costs?

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It's pay what you feel.

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Pay what you feel?

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Yeah, we have a donation bowl.

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OK, so your business model is begging.

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Got it. So then why do you even need to be here?

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It's just a job, Ronny. Calm down.

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PHONE CHIMES

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-Oh, shit.

-What?

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I totally forgot I have a meeting with Professor Dale right now to

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-discuss my last essay.

-So, go.

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I have to tell him I can't make it.

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What, because of this?

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No, no, no. Your first job is being a student.

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You can't wreck a 100,000 degree to make, like...

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..what, 20 bucks an hour?

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15?

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Coin and half a muffin?

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-Well, then, what are you even doing here?

-I need this job.

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You don't work and your parents pay for everything.

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I can't do uni work if I'm homeless and starving.

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Wait, hang on, how about I just cover your shift for the day?

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It's harder than you think.

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What if you fuck something up?

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There is an open vat of self-serve yoghurt with animal hair in it.

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-I don't think I can fuck it up any more.

-All right. All right.

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I got this. Trust me, I got it.

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-Go, go, go, go, go.

-I'll tell Todd you're covering my shift for me.

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Just...please don't get me fired.

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-Trust me, I got this.

-I'll be back in an hour, tops.

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-Take the whole day if you want.

-We'll see about that.

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-Just stand behind the counter and help customers.

-What, I can't help customers from the front?

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I'm joking. I'm just joking.

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See, behind the counter.

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Go, go, go, I got it.

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What IS this?!

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What is grass jelly?

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Red bean...and tea?

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What the fuck?!

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Oh, hey, Wei Jun.

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So, what's good here?

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Uh...bubble tea.

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Yeah, right? I'm really up for something exotic today.

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Really want to experience some international culture.

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What are you having?

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Uh, taro milk tea with taro pudding.

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Yeah, I'll get one too.

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First time for everything, right?

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Hey, can I get two taro milks?

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You want pearls?

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Yeah, sure. You know what? Extra pearls.

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Go hard or go home, right? Put that shit in.

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Keep the change.

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Thank you.

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Cheers, everyone. To international experiences.

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-VOICEOVER:

-Wait, what is this taste?

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It's so creamy, but sweet.

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And the pearls,

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chewy and refreshing.

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I've never had anything like this before.

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It's... It's... It's...

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..amaaaziiing!

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What are you doing?

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Get down.

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These animals.

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Paying for stuff with string. What the fuck is this?

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Ah!

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Oh, sorry, I don't have any spare change, but feel free to take

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whatever rotting fruit you want.

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I'm Todd. Asher told me you were taking over her shift.

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Oh, Todd. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Thanks for letting me take over on such short notice.

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No problem. So, what kind of retail experience do you have?

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Uh, well, I've been in lots of shops and I'm a really quick learner,

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and I'm great at following instructions.

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OK. Well, how about you start with the produce over here?

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-Oh, like, stacking it?

-No, rubbing dirt on it.

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People love that organic fresh-from-the-ground feel

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with their produce.

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OK, here's a crazy suggestion.

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I think more people would buy the produce

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if it looked clean and edible.

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-Just putting it out there.

-Are we going to have a problem here? Because Asher vouched for you.

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No, yeah, yeah, of course. I'm sorry, you're right. Whatever you want.

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I'll rub whatever you want onto anything... You're in charge.

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But when you're done with the produce, if you really want to clean something, you can deal with

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the self-serve grain station over here.

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Oh, you want me to throw that shit out?

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-Yeah, no problem.

-No, I want you to sort through it.

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You want me to...

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You want me to organise the grain?

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There's like a family of mice living in this.

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This is a hygiene situation. You've got to throw this out.

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I don't want you to throw anything out, OK?

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So, you want me to sort through this grain by grain?

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-That's going to take some time.

-Yeah. No pain, no grain.

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Yo, can I get a passion fruit popping boba with pearls?

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Coconut grape jelly with pearls!

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Jasmine green milk with pearls.

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Mmm!

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Signature frozen hot chocolate with pearls.

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Grape coconut jelly popping boba.

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Huh, huh, huh!

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You want pearls?

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You're reading my mind, man.

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Can you please put your shirt back on?!

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How's it looking, Ronny Chieng?

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Well, the foxtail millet and the finger millet was a nightmare to separate.

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But I think I got the rest done.

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Nice work. I've got to split for a bit, but while I'm gone, I've got another job for you.

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-OK.

-It would really help the store

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if you could hand-wash these bandanas.

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Is this personal or work-related?

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Oh, totally work-related.

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If I have to do it, I spend less time working in the store.

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OK, well, I don't know if your laundry

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is in my official job description.

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Hey, man, this is what working at a co-op is all about.

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Everyone has to play their part.

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So, can you play your part, or do I need to call Asher

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and get her back here?

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-No, I can do it.

-Thanks, man, it really means a lot.

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Ronny! Um, have you got any jerky?

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I've got a couple of rough units coming round. We need to stock up.

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-Uh, if it's not on the shelf, we're out.

-Oh, damn.

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Oh! I'll get some yoghurt.

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Um...

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SPLASH!

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-Is that chewing gum?

-Yeah, spearmint.

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Enjoy.

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What are you doing?

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Gah...

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Oh, oh...

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Um, do you have a cloth?

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Or maybe a hessian sack?

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I have spilled a significant amount of yoggie on the floor.

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Yeah, you think?

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Do you know what? I've got this.

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A bit of DIY cleaning

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and it should be...

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You're just rubbing it into the carpet.

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-Just stop.

-Do you have a plastic bag?

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This one's got a hole in it.

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Stop, man, dude, just go. Just go, man, don't worry about it.

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Oh, God, um...

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Sorry. Let me...

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Just get the fuck out!

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You're a goddamn animal, Mick!

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Who the fuck eats that much dairy?

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-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Intruder spotted!

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What show is this?

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Initiate fight sequence!

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Yaaaa!

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Hey, does anyone know what show this is?

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Ya!

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-Argh!

-Argh!

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Hey!

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HEY!

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Hey, dumbass!

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-You talking to me?

-Yeah, you.

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Super Dumbass. What the hell do you think you're doing?

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-Just chillin'.

-Why are you chilling here?

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Because. I'm trying to experience international cultures.

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What the hell does that mean?

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I'm getting to know how international people live.

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OK. OK, OK, OK.

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Firstly, why do you keep calling them international?

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Because they are from other countries.

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And where are you from?

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-My country.

-Yes, don't you see, you dumb fuck?

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You're not in your country now, therefore...

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What are you trying to say?

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I'm saying the real monster is cultural ignorance.

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You self-centred, jingoistic, egotistic, narcissistic idiot.

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-Idiot.

-Idiot.

-Idiot.

-Idiot.

-Idiot.

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"IDIOT" ECHOES

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-THROUGH MEGAPHONE:

-Hey, Ronnie Chieng!

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Sorry, man, just testing this out.

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Got a real big protest this afternoon.

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What are you protesting - hearing?

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Social justice activism is a very important part

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of this co-op community. I'm not just here to make money.

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Well, that's good because you're not making any.

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Where's the...self-serve yoghurt?

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It got compromised, I had to throw it out.

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But I specifically told you not to throw stuff out.

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Yeah, but we had an incident when this guy...

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Look, man, Asher said I could trust you.

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Yes, you can.

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That's good. Because I've got a real important job for you.

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It's lunch hour now

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and I need you to put this on and do some marketing.

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-What is it?

-It's our shop logo, it's a pile of almonds.

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Why didn't you just make it one big almond?

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When you make it a bag of almonds,

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it looks like someone took a shit in a bag.

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Either way, it definitely draws a crowd,

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so just put it on and hand out some free almonds.

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Yeah, you know what, Todd, I'm going to pass on this one.

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Mate... This is not really me asking, this is kind of an order.

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OK!

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Which way... How do you...

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That's the front.

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-And then, what, go under the...

-Straight in.

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Free sample.

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You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.

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That's a giant turd in a bag!

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I am actually a pile of almonds in a bag!

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Free sample.

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You'd be nuts not to visit the co-op.

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Oi! Fuck off, you nut fuck!

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You know, I understand that.

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I've been ignorant about being ignorant.

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I came here trying to experience international culture, but really,

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all that was happening was international people

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were just experiencing MY culture.

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I mean, I'm the foreigner here, you know what I mean?

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Also, why am I trying to cram the entire Asian experience

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into one day? I should be enjoying the journey.

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Breathing it in, taking my time.

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I mean, look at all this authentic Asian stuff.

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Actually, bubble tea is from Taiwan, that show is Japanese and

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I'm from the Philippines.

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Asian culture is not a monolith,

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so this place really isn't authentic anything.

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I am learning so much from you.

0:15:310:15:33

Ronny Chieng. You look like nobody wants free almonds.

0:15:430:15:47

Yeah, because nobody wants free almonds.

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But the thing is, almonds are a superfood,

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and right now you're really not giving off a super vibe.

0:15:530:15:56

Well, maybe it's because I look like a big bag of shit

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and people think I'm trying to give them smaller pieces of shit.

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I'm sensing you're not really enjoying working here.

0:16:020:16:06

-Oh, really?

-Maybe you're just not good at following instructions.

0:16:060:16:09

I have done everything you asked of me, including your personal errands.

0:16:100:16:15

And also, are you a front for the Mafia?

0:16:150:16:17

Because this place is run so badly,

0:16:170:16:19

that's the only explanation I can think of of why it is still open.

0:16:190:16:22

Have you been vaccinated?

0:16:220:16:24

Cos I think you might be autistic.

0:16:240:16:25

If you don't like it, you don't have to be here.

0:16:270:16:30

Oh, OK, great, I'll just go, then.

0:16:300:16:32

OK, but seeing as you're filling in for Asher, if you go,

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I guess that means she goes too.

0:16:360:16:38

You know what, Todd, that's fine.

0:16:410:16:43

I'm sure she can get a better job at a better place that knows how to

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respect its employees.

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Good day to you.

0:16:480:16:49

MOBILE RINGS

0:16:510:16:53

-Hello?

-Hey, Ronny, I was just telling Professor Dale

0:16:580:17:00

how lucky I was for you to cover my shift,

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cos we had a very productive meeting.

0:17:030:17:05

Yeah, glad I could help.

0:17:050:17:07

So, how was your first day of work?

0:17:070:17:09

You haven't been fired yet, right(?)

0:17:090:17:11

Yeah, I technically have not been fired...yet.

0:17:110:17:15

But... Oh, great. I'm glad it's working out.

0:17:150:17:18

To be honest, I was genuinely a little worried about you covering for me,

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just because it's really hard to find a job on campus.

0:17:210:17:24

Yeah, but is it really, though? I feel like the economy is booming,

0:17:240:17:27

plenty of shops opening up, you know, like the bubble tea place?

0:17:270:17:30

Like, lots of other jobs are available, if you actually went to look, I'm sure you'd find...

0:17:300:17:33

Maybe, but definitely not on campus.

0:17:330:17:35

Everyone wants to work on campus.

0:17:350:17:37

I'd hate to work off-campus.

0:17:370:17:39

Can you just imagine how tough it would be to do that

0:17:390:17:42

and make it to class?

0:17:420:17:43

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that would be tough.

0:17:430:17:45

Yeah, I'm very lucky to get some shifts there.

0:17:450:17:48

OK, I'm coming back right now.

0:17:480:17:50

Just hold out a few more minutes.

0:17:500:17:51

-Bye.

-Bye!

0:17:510:17:53

Shit!

0:17:570:17:58

Hey, Todd,

0:18:070:18:09

listen, I'm sorry about before.

0:18:090:18:11

I shouldn't have quit. Please don't fire Asher because of me.

0:18:110:18:14

I don't know, man, we are a very socially conscious group here,

0:18:140:18:19

and we don't want...fuck heads in our group.

0:18:190:18:22

I'm not a fuck head.

0:18:220:18:23

I'm sorry. Please, give Asher back this job, I'll do whatever you want.

0:18:230:18:28

That's great to hear.

0:18:280:18:29

You know why? That protest I've been talking about all day is going down right now.

0:18:290:18:34

We need as many people as we can get.

0:18:340:18:35

Oh, OK, well, protesting is actually the one thing I can't do,

0:18:370:18:41

it's against my student visa condition.

0:18:410:18:43

What are you worried about? You've got the perfect disguise!

0:18:430:18:46

No, it's way too risky. I could get kicked out the country.

0:18:460:18:49

You know what else is risky?

0:18:490:18:51

Working illegally on a student visa, like you've been doing all day.

0:18:510:18:55

Wow, you're a bigger piece of shit than this costume.

0:18:550:18:59

I'm not the one committing visa fraud.

0:18:590:19:01

What are we protesting?

0:19:010:19:02

The bubble tea shop.

0:19:020:19:04

We are tired of multinational corporations coming onto this campus and

0:19:040:19:08

turning it into a soulless strip mall.

0:19:080:19:10

But the bubble tea place is like the only Asian dessert place on campus.

0:19:100:19:13

Don't you think a bunch of white people protesting it could look bad?

0:19:130:19:16

Ronny Chieng. Of course we appreciate how sensitive issues of race can be.

0:19:160:19:21

We'll be very respectful.

0:19:210:19:23

OK, I've got the eggs, let's bomb these bastards back to where they came from!

0:19:230:19:27

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:19:270:19:29

Let's go!

0:19:290:19:30

-PROTESTORS:

-Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

0:19:300:19:34

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

0:19:340:19:39

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

0:19:390:19:44

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

0:19:440:19:47

What the hell is going on out there?

0:19:470:19:49

Multinational corporations are a stain on the fabric of this campus!

0:19:490:19:54

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:19:540:19:55

Do you know how many food miles is chalked up by a single bubble tea?

0:19:550:20:00

It's a lot. OK?

0:20:020:20:04

-ALL:

-Yeah!

-And everyone who drinks bubble tea

0:20:040:20:07

is complicit in environmental pollution

0:20:070:20:11

in the name of corporate greed.

0:20:110:20:13

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:20:130:20:15

Everyone, start posting now.

0:20:150:20:16

Hashtag BurstYourBubbleTea.

0:20:160:20:18

The first letter of each word's capitalised.

0:20:180:20:21

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

0:20:220:20:26

Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Multinational corporations have got to go!

0:20:260:20:30

Hey, you're being incredibly intolerant of international -

0:20:300:20:34

I mean, Asian culture.

0:20:340:20:35

Stop disrespecting one of the only piazzas of the Asian community!

0:20:350:20:39

-ALL:

-Booo! Booo!

0:20:390:20:43

SLOWED DOWN BOOING

0:20:490:20:52

Yah!

0:21:040:21:05

Hey, hippies!

0:21:110:21:13

Is that the best you can do?

0:21:200:21:21

Raaaargh!

0:21:260:21:29

Did you know almonds contain healthy fats?

0:21:290:21:32

Fibre, protein, magnesium and vitamin E!

0:21:320:21:34

No, cos they're too dry and they taste like shit!

0:21:340:21:36

I reduce blood sugar and cholesterol levels

0:21:360:21:38

and help reduce blood pressure!

0:21:380:21:40

Ah-ha-a-ha-ha!

0:21:400:21:42

Ah-ha-a-ha-ha!

0:21:420:21:44

Yaaaaah!

0:21:440:21:46

Not so fast.

0:21:470:21:49

How about a free taste... of my nuts?!

0:21:490:21:52

Self-serve yoghurt blaster, engage!

0:22:040:22:07

Noooooo!

0:22:080:22:12

Aaaargh!

0:22:130:22:17

Argh!

0:22:170:22:18

What's going on here?

0:22:180:22:20

Ronny Chieng from International House?

0:22:220:22:24

Are you participating in a protest?

0:22:240:22:27

Because that is a direct violation

0:22:270:22:28

of your international student visa conditions.

0:22:280:22:30

Uh, no, I'm just having a fight.

0:22:310:22:33

Oh, OK, then.

0:22:330:22:35

Ooh, yeah!

0:22:400:22:42

Looks like our work here is done.

0:22:440:22:46

What are you talking about? You all got your asses kicked by one guy.

0:22:480:22:50

Yeah. I just got ten likes in four minutes.

0:22:500:22:53

It's official, this protest has gone viral!

0:22:530:22:56

-ALL:

-Yeah! Yeah!

0:22:560:22:58

But your protest doesn't change a thing.

0:22:590:23:01

Come on, I just found out that international students aren't allowed to protest.

0:23:010:23:04

-Booo!

-It's racist and a direct violation of human rights.

0:23:040:23:08

Let's go to the Vice Chancellor's office and tell her this is not OK.

0:23:080:23:11

-ALL:

-Yeah! Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho!

0:23:110:23:14

International student visa limitations on freedom of speech have got to go!

0:23:140:23:18

Give international students a voice! Let their voice be heard.

0:23:180:23:23

Ronny, what the hell's going on here?

0:23:230:23:25

Hey, your job sucks.

0:23:250:23:27

Let their voice be heard!

0:23:270:23:29

-What?

-I said, man, your job sucks!

0:23:290:23:32

I told you it would be harder than you thought.

0:23:320:23:35

But, hey, thank you so much for covering for me,

0:23:350:23:37

it was really productive.

0:23:370:23:39

Yeah, no problems, easy, any time.

0:23:400:23:42

Oh, my head.

0:23:420:23:44

I blacked out.

0:23:450:23:47

-What happened?

-What happened?

0:23:470:23:49

You went ballistic and fought everyone.

0:23:490:23:51

With yoghurt.

0:23:510:23:52

I'm sorry, man, I was just trying to have an international experience,

0:23:520:23:56

but I drank way too much bubble tea

0:23:560:23:58

and I think I attacked a bunch of people.

0:23:580:24:00

So I don't know what I experienced.

0:24:000:24:02

Well, you drank too much and got into a fight.

0:24:020:24:05

Mate, it sounds like you just experienced Australian culture.

0:24:060:24:09

Oh, yeah.

0:24:090:24:10

-IN BAD AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-Cheers, mate!

0:24:100:24:13

-BOTH:

-Cheers.

0:24:140:24:15

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