Episode 5 Ronny Chieng: International Student

This programme contains some strong language

And almost finished the last question here.

And I'm pretty much done too.

I just have to compile the bibliography.

For the first time ever, it looks like we're going to finish early!

A whole day, in fact!

Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!

Even more amazing, the fact that you got it done on that!

What? It's retro vintage.

You can't say it like it's cool.

Just because it's old doesn't mean it's cool.

Like, I don't know, apartheid is old.

Doesn't make that cool.

Well, not all of us can afford the latest gadgets.

I paid for this with my own money.

I'm just saying, I have an abacus

that has more computing power than that.

Anyway, I'm done.

Let me just save...

And make a backup.

What...the hell is that?!

Free software. It came with the computer.

There's a bunch of old games here too.

Squirt Bird. Turtle Stomp.

Crab Friends. Mr Bread.

Wait, hang on. Is that...? Is that Lizard Quest?

First-edition labelling as well.

See? Told you it was cool.

This is a classic.

-Whoopee?

-You've never played this before?

-No.

-All right, let me show you.

-You got to see this.

-Well, hang on. Should I back up my work first?

You've already saved, right? Yeah, backing up's for amateurs.

INTRO MUSIC PLAYS So, what's this about?

OK, it's this really cool old-school adventure game, right?

Where you complete quests.

So, for example, right now, you want the magic key,

so you've got to go get the gemstone from the wizard

and then put the gemstone into the statue,

and then it turns around, reveals the secret dagger. Then we...

All you're doing is collecting stuff and bringing it back to someone.

No, it's fun. Look.

See? I just got the magic worm.

Can I please back up my stuff now?

COMPUTER WHIRS

Wait, what's happened?

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh"? "Uh-oh" what?

What? Is that part of the game?

You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

-Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

-Oh, shit. It's some kind of weird old virus.

-Ha, ha, ha...

-Are you kidding me?!

-Wait, hang on. I can fix this.

Please don't wreck anything. This take-home exam is due tomorrow.

-I'm not going to wreck it!

-Well, you already did.

This isn't my fault. This is, like, an old computer.

The virus was probably dormant inside it,

like bacteria in the Arctic.

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Actually, believe it or not, I'm actually pretty good at computers.

OK, then.

Trust me, I'll have this fixed in no time.

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Sperm, sperm!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Sperm, sperm.

-Yep, yep!

-Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm...

-Yep!

Yes! Yes! Fuck!

-Huh? What? Is it fixed?

-No.

-Not yet, I'm working on it.

-Ronny!

The take-home exam is due at 5pm today!

I know. I can fix this. I promise. I just need a little bit more time.

Look, I might try and get an extension,

just in case I have to start again from scratch.

OK, but you're wasting your time!

I'll have this fixed within the hour!

You have been impregnated by the sperm virus...

Shut up!

What department do you want to speak to?

Oh. Uh, my computer broke, so my assignment got deleted.

What department do you want to speak to?

I'm having trouble with my computer.

Late payment of fees, termination of enrolment,

special consideration?

I just need an extension for my take-home exam.

So, you want to apply for special consideration?

Yes, I think.

My computer got this virus.

-Student name?

-Asher Angus.

Reason for special consideration?

My computer got a virus, so I can't access my assignment.

Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.

It's your responsibility to back up your own data.

Oh, no, you don't understand. It wasn't my fault. The computer...

Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.

It's your responsibility to back up your own data.

But I was backing it up when it broke.

-Computer problems are not a valid excuse for...

-OK!

So, what would be a valid excuse?

Medical issue. Death in the family.

Military service. Jury duty. Relationship breakdown.

Yep. That. I just got out of a bad break-up and,

uh, it really distracted me from doing my work.

I'm sorry to hear that. What was the reason for the break-up?

He, uh. Well, we um...

Sexually. Yeah, there were sexual problems.

Just unable to connect in a sexual way.

Also, he cheated on me.

Many couples experience sexual incompatibility and infidelity.

-It's not your fault.

-Thank you.

So, is that it?

You'll now need to provide proof of the relationship and break-up.

So, like, photos of my boyfriend... Sorry, ex-boyfriend?

-Photos, letters, e-mails. All accepted.

-OK!

I'll be right back.

Sorry, what time were you open till?

What department did you want to speak to?

Are you serious?

You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Hey, guy. What's going on?

Not now, Joderick! I'm trying to fix a computer!

Oh. Have you tried, uh, rebooting it in safe mode?

Yeah, of course! I think it's a virus.

Or tried the AVG AntiVirus?

No. I can't even get to a command line to run it.

Have you tried removing the hard drive and then accessing it from...?

Yes! It doesn't show up!

-Well, if you're stuck...

-I'm not stuck. I'm still fixing it.

Look, I know you don't want to hear this,

but maybe you should go down to the basement.

-No!

-To the never-ending LAN party.

-No!

-Trojan Wang or one of the computer guys can fix this.

Those guys aren't computer experts.

They're just a bunch of gaming trolls.

And that place always smells like

someone's shitting and vomiting at the same time.

Well, if you want it fixed quick, it's worth a shot.

Otherwise, go get some professional help from the,

uh, campus computer shop.

No! I can fix this!

-OK.

-You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

Ha, ha, ha...

Take it! Yeah! You are going!

-Take it hard!

-Whoo!

-Yeah! Suck my dick! Yes!

-Whoo!

Hey, guys? Uh, I need some help here.

Oh, Ronny. You back for another spanking, huh?

Would you like to be spanked, huh?

Bad boy need to get a spanking?

-Whoo!

-Misbehaving, huh?

No, I need...some help with a computer problem.

That's cos you're a fuckin' noob and need help getting good!

-Get good!

-Get good! Get good! Get good!

Get good! Get good!

Yeah, OK! I'm a noob! I need help getting good!

I suck! You guys rock!

I'm at the mercy of your incredible microtwit skills.

I will straight up pay cash money

-to anyone who can help me fix this computer.

-What is that, man?!

I've got a 386 at home.

It can't even run Alley Cat and it's smaller than that piece of crap.

I see your problem, Ronny. That's a shitty rig!

Yeah, OK. The computer sucks.

Whatever. It's not mine. It's my friend's, OK?

-She's got a really important take-home exam on it.

-Ooh!

-And we're just trying to get it out.

-Ooh!

-A girl, eh? Huh?

You want to get that ass, Ronny, huh?

-That pussy?

-You want to be on that ass?

-Dirty boy, Ronny!

-Smack that ass?

-She's just a friend.

-I'm just trying to help her out.

-Man, you need to get red-pilled.

Stop being a cuck, man.

You ain't never getting out of the friend zone.

OK, I'm in the friend zone! Whatever!

Can you fix this computer or not?

You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

-Ha, ha, ha, ha...

-This is the sperm virus, man!

-Yeah?

-It's a classic! Sperm!

Why would you want to get rid of that?

Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

-Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

-Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

-OK, thanks for your help.

-Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

THEY SCREAM

Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

So, did they help?

No! And they're terrible people.

-You need a data recovery guy.

-Those guys are even worse.

They're just rude, condescending idiots

who treat people who ask for help like shit.

Plus, half the time, they don't even do anything.

They just charge people to find out they can't solve anything.

Bunch of goddamn mouth-breathing snake oil salesman.

Hey, Ronny. Did you get my computer fixed?

Not yet, but I'm working on it.

Well, seeing as you broke it, I need a small favour.

Well, I didn't break it, but I will fix it.

But if you don't, I need an extension by 5pm,

so you have to pretend to be my boyfriend in a couple of photos.

What? Why?

Apparently the student admin doesn't give extensions

for actual problems, so you have to make one up.

-OK. That doesn't make any sense.

-I know.

Now, smile in this photo while I kiss you on the cheek.

OK. And one more.

We're a couple and we're in love.

And this will get you an extension?

Hopefully, but if not, you'll have my computer fixed, right?

Yeah, yeah. Totally. I got your back!

You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Hey, Joderick, what was the name of that campus computer shop?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Don't give me that sass!

I can't accept these.

What do you mean you can't accept these?

They prove I was in a relationship.

They don't prove anything. It's just photos of you and a man.

Anyone could stand next to a man and take his photo.

-But I'm kissing him!

-On the cheek.

What difference does it make?

Section 12A of the code regarding extension

on the grounds of relationship breakdown

requires photographic evidence, eg open-lipped kiss on the mouth.

-That's actually written down in the official rules?

-Yes.

You must bring me an image of you and your ex-partner

kissing with open mouths.

OK, so, if I bring you a photo of us kissing with open mouths,

would that work?

-Yes.

-That's all I need?

-Yes.

-Great.

Do you need to see tongue?

Can't hurt.

This side here, with all the colours, all the lights,

pictures, all that, that's the side you've got to worry about, OK?

This side here, the side with nothing, that's just the back.

You just forget about that side.

-Hi.

-What do you want?

Uh, I got a problem with this computer.

Obviously. Why else would you be here? What's the actual problem?

-Um, I need to recover a very important file from it.

-Ugh!

That's a pretty old machine, man.

-Yeah, it is.

-You really should have backed up your data.

Yeah, well, I didn't, so let's just move on to the next step, yeah?

Why didn't it happen?

OK, uh, not that it's relevant to the job, but, uh,

I was in the middle of backing it up when we got hit by a virus

that took out the whole operating system.

So, if you could just recover this really important file,

-that'd be great, thank you.

-Hmm...

How do you know it was a virus?

How do you know it wasn't just a hardware failure?

Because I'm pretty good with computers.

Well, if you were, you wouldn't really be here, you know?

Well, I don't really need a lecture right now.

I just kind of need you to do your job.

So, can you get this file out or not?

Ehhhhhh... Have you even tried restarting?

Restart? That's what you're going to go with?

Yeah, obv. Yes, I've tried restarting it, of course.

I'm not like someone's grandparent, OK?

Well, your computer's as old as someone's grandparent.

It's not my computer. It's my friend's.

I'm just helping her recover a very important file

that we need really urgently by today.

OK, I see what's going on.

You've got a friend who's a girl.

You're trying to help her fix her computer.

You're hoping you're going to you're going to cop a root? Eh?

What, do you think you're going to get some ass?

-Ah.

-Listen, man. How about this?

How about I pay you money and you shut the fuck up

and do your job? How about that?

-Is that crazy or...?

-Yeah, OK. How about this, actually?

If you're going to be really rude, if you're going to be a dick,

-I've just got you on film, so...

-Film me, then.

I'm being a dick? You're the dick!

You're the one charging people to fix their computers

when all they need is, like, malware removal or defragmentation.

Meanwhile, I come in with an actual computer problem, and guess what?

-You can't do shit! You can't do shit.

-I can do shit!

You can't do shit!

If you were any good at computers, you'd be working at Google.

But you're here because you can't do shit!

Yeah, well, keep yammering on.

Oh, this is going straight on YouTube.

Fine. Put it on YouTube, man.

-If you're going to film it, I'm going to film you.

-Well, cool!

-You're filming me, I'm filming you! I'll film you filming me!

-Right.

Well, I'm going to film you, then.

Everyone can see what shitty customer service looks like.

Cool, I'm filming you and everyone can see what shitty customer...

-..looks like.

-Great. You know what?

-I'm just going to film you for eternity, then.

-That's fine.

We'll keep filming each other for eternity. Fine by me.

Fine by me, man. I just uploaded all my photos,

so I've got 64 gigs in this bitch!

That's 10,000 hours of theoretical filming time!

Ohh, as if, mate!

Your battery's going to run out way before then!

I've got a charger. I can charge my phone, I'm good to go!

-Yeah, well, lend me one of your chargers.

-No!

-Damn it!

Ronny?

Ronny?

Joderick, do you know where he is?

-No idea.

-Shit!

-What time is it?

-Oh. It's, like, uh, 4pm.

God. I need this extension processed by 5pm or I'm screwed.

Hey, mate.

I've got a huge favour to ask.

OK, so I'm just trying to get a photo of me kissing Ronny

so it looks like we used to go out, but he's not here,

so can you please pretend to be Ronny in this photo?

-Yeah, sure. If I have to.

-Great. Thanks.

Mmm!

Oh, OK. Great. Perfect. Thanks, mate.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?

-Oh, hey!

-Hey.

Is he...?

-Are you dressed like me?

-Yes.

I needed to get some more proof that you and me used to date,

so I was looking for you to get some photos of us open-mouth kissing

or whatever, but you weren't around, so I just got Joderick to do it.

Oh, yeah, cool.

Well, I'm available now if you need more photos

or something for accuracy or science.

No, I need to get that extension by 5pm.

-How's the computer going?

-Yeah, um, about that. Actually...

Great! See you when I get that extension!

Huh!

Yes, I can accept this as proof of relationship.

Thank you! Finally!

So, now, can you please, please process my extension?

Sure. All I need is proof of the break-up.

-What?

-All I need is proof of the break-up.

What? You said this was all I need.

I said that was all you need to prove the relationship.

Now you need to prove the break-up.

OK, can you please, please, please tell me exactly, 100%,

everything you need from me to get this done?

-A divorce certificate.

-What? But I wasn't married.

Or your ex-partner can come in to corroborate.

-That's insane.

-It's not insane.

It's the procedure listed under Section 13B.

So, you want me to bring the person I had such a bad break-up with

that I'm now claiming psychological distress over

in here to talk about how bad our break-up was?

It's what the procedure requires.

I actually hate you.

You'd be surprised how often people say that.

Would I? I bet it's a lot.

Yeah. It's a lot.

-MOBILE RINGS Hello? Asher?

-Ronny.

Asher, I've got something to tell you.

-Me first, me first.

-No, listen. I couldn't fix the computer.

-I've tried everything.

-It's OK.

-No. It's not OK.

The whole time, I ask you to trust me I could do it,

and I couldn't do it, and now it's almost 5pm

-and you're going to be late.

-Ronny, shut up for a second.

I can write the whole thing from memory again,

but I need an extension, and I only have five minutes to get it.

Just start running towards the admin office and I'll explain.

-What?

-Ronny, just start running.

-OK, great.

-I'm coming to get you.

-No, turn around. I'll meet you there.

-OK, OK.

When you get to the admin building,

I need you to say that you're my ex-boyfriend

and that you had sexual problems and you cheated on me

and we had a very bad break-up.

-What?!

-That's what you need to say for me to get the extension.

OK, but what kind of sexual problems?

-It doesn't even matter.

-No, what are we talking about here?

I wouldn't even know how to lie about that

because I've never had sexual problems.

-In fact, I've only had the opposite.

-I don't know!

Just say your dick bleeds when you get hard.

-What the fuck?

-It's a rare genetic disorder.

Oh, OK, then what about the cheating?

-What about it?

-I don't know. What are the deets? What was her name?

How long was I cheating for? How did you find out?

This isn't The Wire. Just make something up!

All right, fine, but I broke up with you and you like the dick bleeding.

-OK, I'm here.

-Thank you so much!

I mean...you bastard!

I never want to see you again!

Agh!

-Ah!

-Here he is! My ex.

Yeah. I'm Ronny. I'm her ex-boyfriend.

I know you from somewhere.

Yeah, International House. We've met several times.

-No, somewhere else.

-OK, whatever. I'm her ex-boyfriend.

We broke up. We're both very upset about it.

Oh, shit! It affected her ability to do the assignment.

Can you please give her an extension?

There. You have confirmation.

-Is it done?

-OK, if you are her ex-boyfriend,

you should be able to answer the questions on this form.

-OK, sure, whatever.

-How long were you together?

Uh... Uh, two years.

-And when did you break up?

-Last week.

Why?

Oh, yeah, uh, bleeding dick, and I cheated on her a lot with it.

And last question, why did you fall in love with her?

-Why did I fall in love with her?

-Yes.

If you were in a relationship,

you should be able to answer that question.

Just tell her.

-What?

-Yes, tell me.

OK. I fell in love with her because she's a wonderful person.

And I, I love how she's always helping everyone around her.

Not because she wants something out of it, but just because she cares.

And I love how positive she is.

Like, even when I'm freaking out and everything is terrible,

she just makes everything OK.

And I even love how bad she is with technology.

Your computer's so shitty.

And that's cute. That's super cute.

And I love how when I first met you, it was like meeting an old friend.

And I love how she never made me feel like I didn't belong

or that I was different.

And I, I just fell in love with everything about her.

OK?

Wow.

It seems like you really care for each other.

In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if you even broke up.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but, yeah, but, you know, players got to play.

This bleeding dick isn't going to fuck itself.

You know, lots of girls want this,

and I want to have sex with lots of women too, and also,

her arms are too long and her face is weird and she can't cook.

See? He is a real dick.

-I'm a huge dick.

-And we are through.

-Yeah, over!

-That's right. That's where I know you from.

You're that guy on this video that everyone's been sharing.

What video?

You're the dick! Get this on camera! You're the dick!

You're the one charging people to fix their computers

and all you're doing is just removing malware or, like,

defragmenting their computer, when really,

when someone comes in with an actual problem, you can't do shit!

You can't do shit!

Yeah, it's true. They can't do shit.

When you go to these tech guys, all they do is just charge you.

Yeah, OK. Yeah, that's me. Yeah, that's how I roll.

You know, that's how I treat other humans. Know what I'm saying?

Come at the king, I strike back. That's how I treat everyone.

That's how I treated her.

If you don't know, now you know.

Extension granted.

Thank you!

Also, Asher, this may be none of my business,

but you're right to get rid of this guy.

He is a real piece of shit.

Whoa. Thanks, mate. You saved me in there.

Yeah, no problem. Always happy to help.

All that stuff about you being in love with me.

Oh! Great acting. It really sold the authenticity.

Yeah, yeah, acting. Yeah, I'm a really good actor.

-It's one of my skills.

-Anyway,

I'd better get to work on the take-home exam.

Yeah, hey, you know, if you need help with that,

I'm happy to come over and help you piece it back together.

Thanks, Ronny. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, like I said, no problem.

Always happy to help a friend.

Friendship. Whoo!