Episode 5 Ronny Chieng: International Student


Episode 5

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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And almost finished the last question here.

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And I'm pretty much done too.

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I just have to compile the bibliography.

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For the first time ever, it looks like we're going to finish early!

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A whole day, in fact!

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Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!

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Even more amazing, the fact that you got it done on that!

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What? It's retro vintage.

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You can't say it like it's cool.

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Just because it's old doesn't mean it's cool.

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Like, I don't know, apartheid is old.

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Doesn't make that cool.

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Well, not all of us can afford the latest gadgets.

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I paid for this with my own money.

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I'm just saying, I have an abacus

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that has more computing power than that.

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Anyway, I'm done.

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Let me just save...

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And make a backup.

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What...the hell is that?!

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Free software. It came with the computer.

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There's a bunch of old games here too.

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Squirt Bird. Turtle Stomp.

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Crab Friends. Mr Bread.

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Wait, hang on. Is that...? Is that Lizard Quest?

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First-edition labelling as well.

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See? Told you it was cool.

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This is a classic.

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-Whoopee?

-You've never played this before?

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-No.

-All right, let me show you.

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-You got to see this.

-Well, hang on. Should I back up my work first?

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You've already saved, right? Yeah, backing up's for amateurs.

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INTRO MUSIC PLAYS So, what's this about?

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OK, it's this really cool old-school adventure game, right?

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Where you complete quests.

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So, for example, right now, you want the magic key,

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so you've got to go get the gemstone from the wizard

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and then put the gemstone into the statue,

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and then it turns around, reveals the secret dagger. Then we...

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All you're doing is collecting stuff and bringing it back to someone.

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No, it's fun. Look.

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See? I just got the magic worm.

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Can I please back up my stuff now?

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COMPUTER WHIRS

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Wait, what's happened?

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Uh-oh.

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"Uh-oh"? "Uh-oh" what?

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What? Is that part of the game?

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You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

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-Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

-Oh, shit. It's some kind of weird old virus.

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-Ha, ha, ha...

-Are you kidding me?!

-Wait, hang on. I can fix this.

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Please don't wreck anything. This take-home exam is due tomorrow.

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-I'm not going to wreck it!

-Well, you already did.

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This isn't my fault. This is, like, an old computer.

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The virus was probably dormant inside it,

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like bacteria in the Arctic.

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Are you sure you know what you're doing?

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Actually, believe it or not, I'm actually pretty good at computers.

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OK, then.

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Trust me, I'll have this fixed in no time.

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Ha, ha, ha, ha...

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Sperm, sperm!

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Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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Sperm, sperm.

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-Yep, yep!

-Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm...

-Yep!

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Yes! Yes! Fuck!

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-Huh? What? Is it fixed?

-No.

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-Not yet, I'm working on it.

-Ronny!

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The take-home exam is due at 5pm today!

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I know. I can fix this. I promise. I just need a little bit more time.

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Look, I might try and get an extension,

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just in case I have to start again from scratch.

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OK, but you're wasting your time!

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I'll have this fixed within the hour!

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You have been impregnated by the sperm virus...

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Shut up!

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What department do you want to speak to?

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Oh. Uh, my computer broke, so my assignment got deleted.

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What department do you want to speak to?

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I'm having trouble with my computer.

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Late payment of fees, termination of enrolment,

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special consideration?

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I just need an extension for my take-home exam.

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So, you want to apply for special consideration?

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Yes, I think.

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My computer got this virus.

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-Student name?

-Asher Angus.

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Reason for special consideration?

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My computer got a virus, so I can't access my assignment.

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Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.

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It's your responsibility to back up your own data.

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Oh, no, you don't understand. It wasn't my fault. The computer...

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Computer problems are not a valid excuse for extension.

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It's your responsibility to back up your own data.

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But I was backing it up when it broke.

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-Computer problems are not a valid excuse for...

-OK!

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So, what would be a valid excuse?

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Medical issue. Death in the family.

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Military service. Jury duty. Relationship breakdown.

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Yep. That. I just got out of a bad break-up and,

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uh, it really distracted me from doing my work.

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I'm sorry to hear that. What was the reason for the break-up?

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He, uh. Well, we um...

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Sexually. Yeah, there were sexual problems.

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Just unable to connect in a sexual way.

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Also, he cheated on me.

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Many couples experience sexual incompatibility and infidelity.

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-It's not your fault.

-Thank you.

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So, is that it?

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You'll now need to provide proof of the relationship and break-up.

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So, like, photos of my boyfriend... Sorry, ex-boyfriend?

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-Photos, letters, e-mails. All accepted.

-OK!

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I'll be right back.

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Sorry, what time were you open till?

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What department did you want to speak to?

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Are you serious?

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You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

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Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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Hey, guy. What's going on?

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Not now, Joderick! I'm trying to fix a computer!

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Oh. Have you tried, uh, rebooting it in safe mode?

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Yeah, of course! I think it's a virus.

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Or tried the AVG AntiVirus?

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No. I can't even get to a command line to run it.

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Have you tried removing the hard drive and then accessing it from...?

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Yes! It doesn't show up!

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-Well, if you're stuck...

-I'm not stuck. I'm still fixing it.

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Look, I know you don't want to hear this,

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but maybe you should go down to the basement.

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-No!

-To the never-ending LAN party.

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-No!

-Trojan Wang or one of the computer guys can fix this.

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Those guys aren't computer experts.

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They're just a bunch of gaming trolls.

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And that place always smells like

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someone's shitting and vomiting at the same time.

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Well, if you want it fixed quick, it's worth a shot.

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Otherwise, go get some professional help from the,

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uh, campus computer shop.

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No! I can fix this!

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-OK.

-You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

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Ha, ha, ha...

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Take it! Yeah! You are going!

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-Take it hard!

-Whoo!

-Yeah! Suck my dick! Yes!

-Whoo!

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Hey, guys? Uh, I need some help here.

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Oh, Ronny. You back for another spanking, huh?

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Would you like to be spanked, huh?

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Bad boy need to get a spanking?

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-Whoo!

-Misbehaving, huh?

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No, I need...some help with a computer problem.

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That's cos you're a fuckin' noob and need help getting good!

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-Get good!

-Get good! Get good! Get good!

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Get good! Get good!

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Yeah, OK! I'm a noob! I need help getting good!

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I suck! You guys rock!

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I'm at the mercy of your incredible microtwit skills.

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I will straight up pay cash money

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-to anyone who can help me fix this computer.

-What is that, man?!

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I've got a 386 at home.

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It can't even run Alley Cat and it's smaller than that piece of crap.

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I see your problem, Ronny. That's a shitty rig!

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Yeah, OK. The computer sucks.

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Whatever. It's not mine. It's my friend's, OK?

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-She's got a really important take-home exam on it.

-Ooh!

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-And we're just trying to get it out.

-Ooh!

-A girl, eh? Huh?

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You want to get that ass, Ronny, huh?

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-That pussy?

-You want to be on that ass?

-Dirty boy, Ronny!

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-Smack that ass?

-She's just a friend.

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-I'm just trying to help her out.

-Man, you need to get red-pilled.

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Stop being a cuck, man.

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You ain't never getting out of the friend zone.

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OK, I'm in the friend zone! Whatever!

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Can you fix this computer or not?

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You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

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-Ha, ha, ha, ha...

-This is the sperm virus, man!

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-Yeah?

-It's a classic! Sperm!

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Why would you want to get rid of that?

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Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

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-Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

-Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

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-OK, thanks for your help.

-Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

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THEY SCREAM

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Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm! Sperm!

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So, did they help?

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No! And they're terrible people.

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-You need a data recovery guy.

-Those guys are even worse.

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They're just rude, condescending idiots

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who treat people who ask for help like shit.

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Plus, half the time, they don't even do anything.

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They just charge people to find out they can't solve anything.

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Bunch of goddamn mouth-breathing snake oil salesman.

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Hey, Ronny. Did you get my computer fixed?

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Not yet, but I'm working on it.

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Well, seeing as you broke it, I need a small favour.

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Well, I didn't break it, but I will fix it.

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But if you don't, I need an extension by 5pm,

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so you have to pretend to be my boyfriend in a couple of photos.

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What? Why?

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Apparently the student admin doesn't give extensions

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for actual problems, so you have to make one up.

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-OK. That doesn't make any sense.

-I know.

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Now, smile in this photo while I kiss you on the cheek.

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OK. And one more.

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We're a couple and we're in love.

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And this will get you an extension?

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Hopefully, but if not, you'll have my computer fixed, right?

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Yeah, yeah. Totally. I got your back!

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You have been impregnated by the sperm virus.

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Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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Hey, Joderick, what was the name of that campus computer shop?

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Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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Don't give me that sass!

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I can't accept these.

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What do you mean you can't accept these?

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They prove I was in a relationship.

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They don't prove anything. It's just photos of you and a man.

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Anyone could stand next to a man and take his photo.

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-But I'm kissing him!

-On the cheek.

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What difference does it make?

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Section 12A of the code regarding extension

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on the grounds of relationship breakdown

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requires photographic evidence, eg open-lipped kiss on the mouth.

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-That's actually written down in the official rules?

-Yes.

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You must bring me an image of you and your ex-partner

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kissing with open mouths.

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OK, so, if I bring you a photo of us kissing with open mouths,

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would that work?

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-Yes.

-That's all I need?

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-Yes.

-Great.

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Do you need to see tongue?

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Can't hurt.

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This side here, with all the colours, all the lights,

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pictures, all that, that's the side you've got to worry about, OK?

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This side here, the side with nothing, that's just the back.

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You just forget about that side.

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-Hi.

-What do you want?

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Uh, I got a problem with this computer.

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Obviously. Why else would you be here? What's the actual problem?

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-Um, I need to recover a very important file from it.

-Ugh!

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That's a pretty old machine, man.

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-Yeah, it is.

-You really should have backed up your data.

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Yeah, well, I didn't, so let's just move on to the next step, yeah?

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Why didn't it happen?

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OK, uh, not that it's relevant to the job, but, uh,

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I was in the middle of backing it up when we got hit by a virus

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that took out the whole operating system.

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So, if you could just recover this really important file,

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-that'd be great, thank you.

-Hmm...

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How do you know it was a virus?

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How do you know it wasn't just a hardware failure?

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Because I'm pretty good with computers.

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Well, if you were, you wouldn't really be here, you know?

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Well, I don't really need a lecture right now.

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I just kind of need you to do your job.

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So, can you get this file out or not?

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Ehhhhhh... Have you even tried restarting?

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Restart? That's what you're going to go with?

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Yeah, obv. Yes, I've tried restarting it, of course.

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I'm not like someone's grandparent, OK?

0:13:210:13:23

Well, your computer's as old as someone's grandparent.

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It's not my computer. It's my friend's.

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I'm just helping her recover a very important file

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that we need really urgently by today.

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OK, I see what's going on.

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You've got a friend who's a girl.

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You're trying to help her fix her computer.

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You're hoping you're going to you're going to cop a root? Eh?

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What, do you think you're going to get some ass?

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-Ah.

-Listen, man. How about this?

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How about I pay you money and you shut the fuck up

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and do your job? How about that?

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-Is that crazy or...?

-Yeah, OK. How about this, actually?

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If you're going to be really rude, if you're going to be a dick,

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-I've just got you on film, so...

-Film me, then.

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I'm being a dick? You're the dick!

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You're the one charging people to fix their computers

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when all they need is, like, malware removal or defragmentation.

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Meanwhile, I come in with an actual computer problem, and guess what?

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-You can't do shit! You can't do shit.

-I can do shit!

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You can't do shit!

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If you were any good at computers, you'd be working at Google.

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But you're here because you can't do shit!

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Yeah, well, keep yammering on.

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Oh, this is going straight on YouTube.

0:14:200:14:22

Fine. Put it on YouTube, man.

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-If you're going to film it, I'm going to film you.

-Well, cool!

0:14:230:14:26

-You're filming me, I'm filming you! I'll film you filming me!

-Right.

0:14:260:14:28

Well, I'm going to film you, then.

0:14:280:14:30

Everyone can see what shitty customer service looks like.

0:14:300:14:32

Cool, I'm filming you and everyone can see what shitty customer...

0:14:320:14:35

-..looks like.

-Great. You know what?

0:14:350:14:37

-I'm just going to film you for eternity, then.

-That's fine.

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We'll keep filming each other for eternity. Fine by me.

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Fine by me, man. I just uploaded all my photos,

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so I've got 64 gigs in this bitch!

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That's 10,000 hours of theoretical filming time!

0:14:440:14:47

Ohh, as if, mate!

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Your battery's going to run out way before then!

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I've got a charger. I can charge my phone, I'm good to go!

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-Yeah, well, lend me one of your chargers.

-No!

-Damn it!

0:14:530:14:55

Ronny?

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Ronny?

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Joderick, do you know where he is?

0:15:150:15:17

-No idea.

-Shit!

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-What time is it?

-Oh. It's, like, uh, 4pm.

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God. I need this extension processed by 5pm or I'm screwed.

0:15:230:15:26

Hey, mate.

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I've got a huge favour to ask.

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OK, so I'm just trying to get a photo of me kissing Ronny

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so it looks like we used to go out, but he's not here,

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so can you please pretend to be Ronny in this photo?

0:15:560:15:58

-Yeah, sure. If I have to.

-Great. Thanks.

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Mmm!

0:16:060:16:07

Oh, OK. Great. Perfect. Thanks, mate.

0:16:110:16:14

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?

0:16:140:16:16

-Oh, hey!

-Hey.

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Is he...?

0:16:180:16:19

-Are you dressed like me?

-Yes.

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I needed to get some more proof that you and me used to date,

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so I was looking for you to get some photos of us open-mouth kissing

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or whatever, but you weren't around, so I just got Joderick to do it.

0:16:280:16:31

Oh, yeah, cool.

0:16:320:16:34

Well, I'm available now if you need more photos

0:16:340:16:36

or something for accuracy or science.

0:16:360:16:38

No, I need to get that extension by 5pm.

0:16:380:16:40

-How's the computer going?

-Yeah, um, about that. Actually...

0:16:400:16:44

Great! See you when I get that extension!

0:16:440:16:46

Huh!

0:16:500:16:51

Yes, I can accept this as proof of relationship.

0:17:090:17:12

Thank you! Finally!

0:17:120:17:14

So, now, can you please, please process my extension?

0:17:140:17:17

Sure. All I need is proof of the break-up.

0:17:170:17:20

-What?

-All I need is proof of the break-up.

0:17:200:17:22

What? You said this was all I need.

0:17:220:17:24

I said that was all you need to prove the relationship.

0:17:240:17:26

Now you need to prove the break-up.

0:17:260:17:28

OK, can you please, please, please tell me exactly, 100%,

0:17:280:17:34

everything you need from me to get this done?

0:17:340:17:36

-A divorce certificate.

-What? But I wasn't married.

0:17:360:17:39

Or your ex-partner can come in to corroborate.

0:17:390:17:42

-That's insane.

-It's not insane.

0:17:420:17:43

It's the procedure listed under Section 13B.

0:17:430:17:46

So, you want me to bring the person I had such a bad break-up with

0:17:460:17:50

that I'm now claiming psychological distress over

0:17:500:17:53

in here to talk about how bad our break-up was?

0:17:530:17:55

It's what the procedure requires.

0:17:550:17:57

I actually hate you.

0:17:580:18:00

You'd be surprised how often people say that.

0:18:000:18:02

Would I? I bet it's a lot.

0:18:020:18:04

Yeah. It's a lot.

0:18:040:18:06

-MOBILE RINGS Hello? Asher?

-Ronny.

0:18:170:18:19

Asher, I've got something to tell you.

0:18:190:18:21

-Me first, me first.

-No, listen. I couldn't fix the computer.

0:18:210:18:24

-I've tried everything.

-It's OK.

-No. It's not OK.

0:18:240:18:27

The whole time, I ask you to trust me I could do it,

0:18:270:18:29

and I couldn't do it, and now it's almost 5pm

0:18:290:18:31

-and you're going to be late.

-Ronny, shut up for a second.

0:18:310:18:33

I can write the whole thing from memory again,

0:18:330:18:35

but I need an extension, and I only have five minutes to get it.

0:18:350:18:37

Just start running towards the admin office and I'll explain.

0:18:370:18:40

-What?

-Ronny, just start running.

-OK, great.

-I'm coming to get you.

0:18:400:18:43

-No, turn around. I'll meet you there.

-OK, OK.

0:18:430:18:45

When you get to the admin building,

0:18:450:18:46

I need you to say that you're my ex-boyfriend

0:18:460:18:49

and that you had sexual problems and you cheated on me

0:18:490:18:51

and we had a very bad break-up.

0:18:510:18:53

-What?!

-That's what you need to say for me to get the extension.

0:18:530:18:56

OK, but what kind of sexual problems?

0:18:560:18:57

-It doesn't even matter.

-No, what are we talking about here?

0:18:570:19:00

I wouldn't even know how to lie about that

0:19:000:19:02

because I've never had sexual problems.

0:19:020:19:04

-In fact, I've only had the opposite.

-I don't know!

0:19:040:19:06

Just say your dick bleeds when you get hard.

0:19:060:19:07

-What the fuck?

-It's a rare genetic disorder.

0:19:070:19:10

Oh, OK, then what about the cheating?

0:19:100:19:12

-What about it?

-I don't know. What are the deets? What was her name?

0:19:120:19:14

How long was I cheating for? How did you find out?

0:19:140:19:17

This isn't The Wire. Just make something up!

0:19:170:19:19

All right, fine, but I broke up with you and you like the dick bleeding.

0:19:190:19:22

-OK, I'm here.

-Thank you so much!

0:19:230:19:26

I mean...you bastard!

0:19:280:19:31

I never want to see you again!

0:19:310:19:33

Agh!

0:19:330:19:35

-Ah!

-Here he is! My ex.

0:19:350:19:37

Yeah. I'm Ronny. I'm her ex-boyfriend.

0:19:400:19:42

I know you from somewhere.

0:19:420:19:44

Yeah, International House. We've met several times.

0:19:440:19:46

-No, somewhere else.

-OK, whatever. I'm her ex-boyfriend.

0:19:460:19:49

We broke up. We're both very upset about it.

0:19:490:19:51

Oh, shit! It affected her ability to do the assignment.

0:19:510:19:55

Can you please give her an extension?

0:19:550:19:57

There. You have confirmation.

0:19:570:20:00

-Is it done?

-OK, if you are her ex-boyfriend,

0:20:000:20:04

you should be able to answer the questions on this form.

0:20:040:20:06

-OK, sure, whatever.

-How long were you together?

0:20:060:20:09

Uh... Uh, two years.

0:20:090:20:12

-And when did you break up?

-Last week.

0:20:120:20:14

Why?

0:20:150:20:16

Oh, yeah, uh, bleeding dick, and I cheated on her a lot with it.

0:20:160:20:22

And last question, why did you fall in love with her?

0:20:240:20:27

-Why did I fall in love with her?

-Yes.

0:20:270:20:29

If you were in a relationship,

0:20:290:20:30

you should be able to answer that question.

0:20:300:20:32

Just tell her.

0:20:340:20:36

-What?

-Yes, tell me.

0:20:360:20:37

OK. I fell in love with her because she's a wonderful person.

0:20:410:20:45

And I, I love how she's always helping everyone around her.

0:20:450:20:49

Not because she wants something out of it, but just because she cares.

0:20:490:20:52

And I love how positive she is.

0:20:520:20:54

Like, even when I'm freaking out and everything is terrible,

0:20:540:20:56

she just makes everything OK.

0:20:560:20:59

And I even love how bad she is with technology.

0:20:590:21:02

Your computer's so shitty.

0:21:020:21:04

And that's cute. That's super cute.

0:21:040:21:07

And I love how when I first met you, it was like meeting an old friend.

0:21:080:21:11

And I love how she never made me feel like I didn't belong

0:21:120:21:15

or that I was different.

0:21:150:21:16

And I, I just fell in love with everything about her.

0:21:160:21:19

OK?

0:21:200:21:22

Wow.

0:21:250:21:27

It seems like you really care for each other.

0:21:270:21:29

In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if you even broke up.

0:21:290:21:31

Oh, yeah, yeah, but, yeah, but, you know, players got to play.

0:21:330:21:38

This bleeding dick isn't going to fuck itself.

0:21:380:21:40

You know, lots of girls want this,

0:21:400:21:42

and I want to have sex with lots of women too, and also,

0:21:420:21:44

her arms are too long and her face is weird and she can't cook.

0:21:440:21:48

See? He is a real dick.

0:21:480:21:51

-I'm a huge dick.

-And we are through.

0:21:510:21:54

-Yeah, over!

-That's right. That's where I know you from.

0:21:540:21:57

You're that guy on this video that everyone's been sharing.

0:21:570:22:00

What video?

0:22:010:22:02

You're the dick! Get this on camera! You're the dick!

0:22:040:22:07

You're the one charging people to fix their computers

0:22:070:22:09

and all you're doing is just removing malware or, like,

0:22:090:22:11

defragmenting their computer, when really,

0:22:110:22:13

when someone comes in with an actual problem, you can't do shit!

0:22:130:22:17

You can't do shit!

0:22:170:22:18

Yeah, it's true. They can't do shit.

0:22:200:22:22

When you go to these tech guys, all they do is just charge you.

0:22:220:22:25

Yeah, OK. Yeah, that's me. Yeah, that's how I roll.

0:22:250:22:27

You know, that's how I treat other humans. Know what I'm saying?

0:22:270:22:30

Come at the king, I strike back. That's how I treat everyone.

0:22:300:22:32

That's how I treated her.

0:22:320:22:34

If you don't know, now you know.

0:22:340:22:36

Extension granted.

0:22:370:22:39

Thank you!

0:22:410:22:42

Also, Asher, this may be none of my business,

0:22:420:22:45

but you're right to get rid of this guy.

0:22:450:22:47

He is a real piece of shit.

0:22:470:22:48

Whoa. Thanks, mate. You saved me in there.

0:22:530:22:57

Yeah, no problem. Always happy to help.

0:22:570:22:59

All that stuff about you being in love with me.

0:22:590:23:02

Oh! Great acting. It really sold the authenticity.

0:23:020:23:06

Yeah, yeah, acting. Yeah, I'm a really good actor.

0:23:060:23:08

-It's one of my skills.

-Anyway,

0:23:080:23:11

I'd better get to work on the take-home exam.

0:23:110:23:13

Yeah, hey, you know, if you need help with that,

0:23:130:23:15

I'm happy to come over and help you piece it back together.

0:23:150:23:18

Thanks, Ronny. I really appreciate it.

0:23:180:23:20

Yeah, like I said, no problem.

0:23:200:23:22

Always happy to help a friend.

0:23:220:23:25

Friendship. Whoo!

0:23:270:23:29

With an assignment due, Asher gets a virus on her ancient computer and it's Ronny's fault. He is sure he can fix, it but to do that he might have to actually ask someone else for help.


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