Episode 6 Ronny Chieng: International Student

This programme contains some strong language

THEY LAUGH

-Why would he say that?

-It's true, it's what he does!

My dad talks like he's in constant argument with himself.

He's like, "Oh, yeah.

"Nah. Yeah. Nah. Yeah, nah."

And then, when he gets really worked up,

he just communicates in neck spasms.

"Yeah, nah, yeah, nah,

"yeah, nah."

Sounds exhausting.

-What else can you do?

-I think I could do Professor Dale.

Yeah. Let's see it.

Good morning, everyone.

The law is about conflict, which is why, today,

I'm going to be teaching you how to dispose of a dead body.

Is that Cosby or Dale?

Why are we talking about impersonations?

I'm auditioning for the law faculty comedy show in, like, ten minutes.

-The what?

-The law faculty comedy show.

It's an annual comedy sketch show

written and performed by law students.

It's got real famous alumni, Hacky Normand, Bob Betters,

Feel Good Gangsters.

Hey, you should audition with me.

Ah, join a bunch of self-indulgent, self-centred, self-absorbed,

type-A personality law students who think they're God's gift to comedy?

-No, thank you.

-Come on.

It'll be fun. We'll get to hang out.

Ah, let me think about it.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Well, I'm going. If you change

your mind, auditions are on the third floor.

-OK. Thank you.

-Oh, my God!

-No. No, no, no...

-Oh, I'm sorry!

It's fine. No, it's fine. Go, go, go.

I don't like these pants, anyway. Yeah, just go. Don't be late.

See you later.

Will you guys just bang, already?

We're just friends, man.

Yeah? Friends can bang.

Listen, I know to your primitive, impulse-driven minds,

the concept of a platonic relationship

between a man and a woman is completely incomprehensible.

You might be friends now,

but you are one heartbeat away from looking at her differently.

And then everything changes.

SMOOTH SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

What? No! That's crazy talk.

-It's going to happen.

-Yeah.

It's a good thing you're not doing that comedy whatever show.

Spending weeks together performing?

All those raw emotions?

Sweat, tears,

physical contact.

HE SCOFFS

-Are you kidding me?

-Interesting.

-I got to go for class.

-There's no more classes today.

-It's an extra class!

-There are no more classes today!

-You are lying!

-You go, Ronny Chieng!

Go make a half-white, half-Asian baby!

You know, halfies are super cute.

SHOUTS AND GRUNTS

Woo! Auditions! Yeah!

-First time?

-Yeah. You?

I've been doing it every year for the past, oh, six years.

Wow. You've been at university for six years?

Oh, no, I graduated two years ago.

I just love it, you know? Performing is my addiction.

Woo!

SHOUTS

SMOOTH SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

-Hey, you came!

-Hey.

What made you change your mind?

You know, meet new people, get out of my comfort zone.

Woo!

Oh, no.

Please tell me he's not auditioning.

Good morning, everyone.

Ronny. Come gather round.

My name is Daniel Tremblay Birchall, and I'm honoured

to have been chosen as the youngest director

in the illustrious history of the law faculty comedy show.

Shit!

Thank you.

Ah, by means of background,

I was the lead in my school musical three times in a row.

Guys And Dolls, Barnum, and Pirates Of Penzance.

So I am the very model of a modern major theatre performer.

LAUGHTER

Now!

Let's warm up with a quick game of Zip, Zap, Zoom.

So, circle up!

Yes! Love Zip, Zap, Zoom.

-Zip!

-Zap!

-Zoom!

-Zip!

-Zap.

Zip! Shit!

Shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I...I know it was zoom, I know it was zoom.

-Of course it was zoom!

-It's just a warm up.

OK, er, moving on.

When I point to you, give me your name and your best impersonation.

-I'm sorry, I'm just going to need a moment.

-Oh, OK.

You take as long as you need.

-OK. Go.

-I'm Henry...

Got one! I've got one! I'm on. I'm on.

OK.

-SHOUTS:

-Do it!

Just do it!

Don't let your dreams be dreams.

Yesterday, you said tomorrow.

So just do it!

Make your dreams come true.

Do it. What are you waiting for?

Do it.

Just do it.

Yes, you can.

Just do it.

Just...

..do it!

HE GRUNTS

What was that?

Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, OK. Uh, next?

Hi, I'm Asher,

and this is Colin Firth.

-STILTED ENGLISH ACCENT:

-I love you. And I'm angry about it.

LAUGHTER

OK, very good. Very good.

Uh...

Ronny?

Um... Hi, I'm Ronny and I don't really do impersonations.

LAUGHTER

That character is hilarious.

Oh, right, I'm actually not doing a character, I'm just talking.

LAUGHTER

Ronny, I know you're not doing a character,

but that doesn't mean that it can't be one. Right?

Just do it!

OK, funny people, thank you so much for coming.

I'll be posting a list of everyone who made it tonight.

Ah! Asher?

I just wanted to say, that was one of the best auditions I've seen.

And I wanted to let you know in person that you're in.

Thank you so much!

-Chieng.

-Hey, man, listen, all right?

I get it. You don't want me to be a part of your thing.

Blah, blah, blah, whatever. I didn't want to be part of it anyway.

I'm offering you a part in the show.

Oh. OK.

If you think that I'm petty enough

to let our previous animosity get in the way of art,

you've seriously misjudged me.

So, you in?

Yeah. OK. I guess. Yeah.

I can't believe we both got in!

Did I get in?

No.

-SHIA LABEOUF VOICE:

-I didn't do it!

Why you guys still here?

How did your extra class go?

Oh. I actually, um...

..went to audition for the law comedy show.

No shit. So how did you go?

Well, we both got in.

What? Oh, my God! Well done!

Well, that's too bad. I mean,

now you're going to have to spend all that quality time together.

Ronny, if you like her, just tell her.

Oh! Oh, really? Oh, wow, I didn't know it was so simple,

thank you for telling me that!

You'd better be sure about this, man.

When a guy decides to fall in love with a friend

and the feeling isn't mutual, things can get ugly.

Trust me.

You don't decide to fall in love with someone. It's an emotion.

Sure. Real emotional.

-Are you done?

-Almost.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm done.

-DANIEL:

-So, you remember what your card was?

-Yeah.

Is that your card?

-No, it wasn't.

-OK.

That...that's a disappointment.

Maybe if you check inside your breast pocket.

Oh, my God.

This is my card! It has my signature, even.

How did you do that?

Ah, a magician never reveals his tricks!

Although the key is finding the right volunteer.

Ah, Chieng! Just the person I wanted to see.

I've got a character that I think you're going to be perfect for.

It's a classic outsider struggling to fit into a foreign situation.

Is it the angry, Asian laundry man?

Yeah, I wrote it specifically for you.

Ah, OK.

Hello, sir.

Is this the Laundromat?

Yes. This is the prawndromat.

Can I get this suit cleaned?

Then it just says, "Say something angry in Chinese."

Yeah. Can you do that?

SPEAKS CHINESE

No, no, no. Like, much angrier.

You know, he is the angry, Asian laundry man, after all.

James, can you come over here and show Ronny how it might be done?

Sure.

OK.

Hello, sir. Can I get this suit cleaned?

SPEAKS ANIMATEDLY IN CHINESE

And scene.

Great work today, funny people.

-See you tomorrow.

-See you.

OK, what have you got?

Hey. Do you want to, like, go for a coffee or something?

I'd love to,

but Daniel just asked me to go work on some improv with him.

-Is everything OK?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah.

-Ronny! Great work today.

-Thank you.

I think Angry Asian Laundryman is coming along,

he just needs some motivation.

Yeah. Maybe someone gave him a really shitty job?

-Yeah, yeah, maybe. Asher, are you ready to go?

-Yeah.

-Great.

-So I'll just see you tomorrow, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sure.

See you tomorrow.

Mm!

Hey! How was it?

Rehearsal? Yeah, it was fine. We had this weird...

No, did you ask her out or not?

I was going to, but then she had this one-on-one session

-with Daniel, the director, so...

-Uh-oh.

Uh-oh what?

-I don't want to talk about it!

-Relax. The way you're acting,

it's like you're never had a girlfriend before, or something.

-Have you never had a girlfriend before?

-No way!

THEY LAUGH

OK, buddy, look. I can help you out.

Come on. Have a seat.

Get your phone out.

Come on!

You've come to the right place.

OK. But if I do this, will you both leave me alone?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

OK. Send her a message and ask her out.

Mm-hm.

And tell her you like her.

OK, now put a smiley face at the end,

you want to let her know you're just being casual.

Don't put a smiley face. It reeks of desperation.

OK, just an X.

No X! Keep it cool.

At least put an LOL,

how else will she know you're not taking it seriously?

I'm actually more of a "ha-ha" person.

As a girl, I am telling you,

sending that will make me think you are crazy weirdo.

I've been studying seduction community techniques

since I was 16. I think I know what I'm talking about.

That is the most loser sentence I have ever heard.

Don't put any of that shit, and just press send.

OK! I'm just sending it!

So. Now the battle of wills begins.

Do not, I repeat, do not send her a message until she replies, OK?

Stay strong. Don't cave.

If she doesn't reply in 15 minutes,

fuck it. It's over.

Again, dumb! If she doesn't reply,

I'll just send her a message to see what she's doing tomorrow,

and then we will know if she's busy or stalling.

Don't do that. Then she's just going to know you're running reconnaissance for him.

Guys, this is crazy, all right? We're not planning an invasion.

PHONE CHIMES

-Oh!

-What'd it say?

She said,

"Sure."

Well, is there a smiley face after it?

No. You know what? I'm done! I'm going to bed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down, OK?

What's your plan for tomorrow?

Yeah. What are you going to do on this date?

I don't know. I'll take her for dinner

and I'll get her, like, a rose.

-A single red rose?

-Yeah.

Why don't you just show up with a hockey mask and a machete?

I agree, you cannot buy her flower on the first date.

You don't even know if she likes you yet.

Why? When you like someone, you get them a rose. It's romantic.

The only difference between being romantic or creepy

is if the girl likes you.

So before you go doing anything drastic,

confirm mutual attraction by looking for signals.

All right, like what?

For example, if she makes physical contact with you

at least three times during the date, it's not an accident.

Three strikes and you're in.

OK, this might sound crazy,

but maybe you just listen to what she is saying.

No, don't do that. That never works. Three strikes and you're in.

Doesn't three strikes mean you're out?

-No. Three strikes means you're in.

-Out!

-In!

-Out!

-In!

-Out!

-In!

-Out!

-After you.

-What's the special occasion?

I thought we'd just go to the burger joint next to the library.

Yeah, I just want to try something new. I found this place online.

Super high ratings.

Experimental but enjoyable fusion Asian-Australian restaurant.

Cool.

VOICEOVER: She just touched me. Was that an accident?

She had enough space to walk, so it must have been on purpose.

But why would she touch me, then? What does that mean?

Ni hao, mates. Welcome to Waste.

Today's specials are Peking duck parmesana,

a barbecue pork bun pizza,

and a beef brisket noodle sandwich.

Sounds great, thanks.

I don't know about mixing these two cultures.

They both work so well individually, but when you put them together,

-it kind of feels like it ruins them both.

-No, I don't think so.

At least give it a try, right? Won't not knowing be even worse?

Is that a fork and chopstick?

VOICEOVER: Oh! We have contact!

That's two in 30 seconds.

But maybe she was genuinely curious about the... Wait, what is this?

A fork stick?

You know, I still can't believe you're doing this comedy law show.

Well... You know, sometimes you've just got to follow your passions.

-I know right?

-That's it! That's it! That's strike three!

That's no accident. Just say it. Just say it, man.

Just do it!

-I have feelings for...

-Daniel said the same thing.

-BOTH:

-What?

No, you first.

Last night, he said, "Great comedy comes from the heart."

Oh, yeah? What else did he say at this comedy masterclass?

I was showing him some of my characters,

like my dad, but he said I should be doing

broader, more accessible characters, instead.

I actually think good comedy comes from the unique stories

that only you can tell.

-Like your dad.

-That's not what Daniel said.

I got to be honest, I don't really give a fuck what Daniel says

about comedy or about anything.

Whoa.

I know you have a history with him, but he's let it go.

Why can't you?

I did! But he's given me this stereotypically bad Asian character.

I can't tell whether it's on purpose or if he's just stupid.

-IMITATING RONNY:

-Daniel is so stupid.

This show is terrible, everything is terrible.

I'm right and everyone else is wrong!

OK. Just so you know,

I don't actually think everything is always terrible.

It's just a coincidence that in this particular instance,

everything about that show is terrible.

If you don't like it, why don't you just leave?

Never heard an Australian say that before.

I didn't mean it like that.

-I was just joking.

-Well, I didn't find it funny.

Well, for somebody in a comedy show, you really can't take a joke.

I can take a joke, but it wasn't funny.

You're being kind of annoying, right now.

Well, now you know how I feel when you bring up Daniel.

Well, you don't have to listen to me talk any more.

Wait! Asher! I'm sorry!

Wait!

OK, was that a signal or was that anger?

There's no strike four, so...

Definitely anger.

You're so caught up in your own head.

This isn't just some TV show about you.

Get over yourself.

But I had like four strikes!

You really blew that one.

Yeah? Well, wontons don't belong in pies.

Fucking right, mate.

WHISPERING

Hey, hey, hey! So?

So, I should have bought her a rose.

-Did you get three strikes?

-No.

Well, yes.

You didn't tell her how you felt?

No! Goodnight.

Oh, poor little guy.

-He's heartbroken.

-I told you.

The three strike thing was stupid.

It works! He just fucked it up.

You think just because somebody touches you like this,

-it means that they like you?

-Yes.

Three times. I do.

-Strike one.

-What?

And this?

Strike two.

And this?

Just so you know, I'm choosing to feel this.

You're not choosing shit!

PEOPLE SPEAK, HUM AND MAKE ODD NOISES

Hello, funny people.

I just wanted to say...

I can feel a real, tangible sense of excitement in the room today

for our first full dress rehearsal.

Now, I didn't want to alarm anyone beforehand,

but today, we're also going to be joined by a focus panel

representing a cross section of the university.

As we are an official law school production,

they're here to provide feedback, as well as make sure

that the show appropriately represents the university,

which, of course, I'm sure that it does.

Now, no pressure.

Just be your usual, hilarious selves.

And action.

-ALL:

-Woo!

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm turning on the TV.

Ohh,

I'm the President. I want to be the President! Ahh!

Hello, sir. Is this the Laundromat?

Yes. This is the raundromat.

Great. Can you wash this suit, please?

SPEAKS CHINESE

Whoa! Ah!

Whoa! You've just taken a terrible tumble!

Who are you?

I'm the Greek economy.

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Oh, ya! I will help you!

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-I don't want nothing to do with this.

I'm leaving this shop.

But where's the, uh...

..Brexit?

Oh, satire.

# I'm The Rapping Judge

# Oh, that's my name

# And I'm here to make my statement

# Of claim

# I'm dropping directions

# So stop your objections

# My judgments don't need no correction

# Check it out, what

# Oh, I want to see you Hey, hey, ho

-# Hey ho

-Go judge

# Go judge

# Go judge, go judge

# Woo! #

Yeah!

This court is adjourned.

Bravo!

Encore!

OK, I have a question.

Can I ask why there aren't more gay people in this show?

James is gay.

How is the audience supposed to know that?

Do you want to see a penis go into an arsehole?

Yeah, that might work.

I'm very disappointed with the lack of Asian representation.

The only Asian guy there is doing the stereotypical accent.

Oh, so the accent's what you have a problem with?

OK, so you want more Asians, but you want them to be less Asian.

-Is that right?

-Well, Ronny came up with that whole thing himself,

but I'm happy to cut it.

What?! No, no. Wait, I didn't even write that!

I actually agree with you. This is a shitty character.

But you went along with it.

Yeah, but...

-..only because...

-You know, Ronny, sometimes we have to pick our battles.

I mean, we could find something else for you to do.

You could hold the giant gavel in the finale.

Actually, you know what?

I'm...I'm out.

OK, now I'm really concerned about the lack of Asians.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Law Faculty Comedy Show.

You have the right to remain funny!

NO-ONE LAUGHS

After taking on a great deal of feedback,

I've decided to make a last-minute change.

The show will now begin with

a tribute to the art of improvisational comedy.

Asher.

I didn't know we were doing this.

That's improv.

And action!

OK.

I need a celebrity and a location.

Just go. Do anything.

Anyone?

Please?

Name of someone famous.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-Great!

And a location?

At a funeral.

OK. Arnold Schwarzenegger at a funeral.

I'll be back.

Unlike you, who are dead.

You will not be back.

Get in the coffin.

Hasta la vista, body.

NO-ONE LAUGHS

OK. Next?

Someone say anything.

Your dad at his farm?

-Oh, yeah. Nah. Yeah, nah.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, nah.

Professor Dale at his lecture.

Good morning, everyone.

LAUGHTER

Today, I'm going to be teaching you

how to dispose of a dead body,

so it can't be found.

LAUGHTER

The angry Asian man who was a piece of shit to his friend.

You're so stupid, this is terrible!

Everything is terrible, everyone is stupid.

LAUGHTER

I guess Daniel was right, that character is pretty funny.

Yeah, Mum, I get it!

I get it, Mum, roll it all the way down the shaft!

What is this? Fucking amateur hour?

LAUGHTER

Keep going!

Shia LaBeouf.

Just do it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just do it. Don't let your dreams be dreams.

Just do it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

GRUNTS

Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Chieng!

I just wanted you to know, there's no hard feelings from me.

Creative differences are just part of theatre...

Shut the fuck up, Daniel.

-Ronny!

-Asher.

Thanks for saving my arse on stage.

What? No, I didn't do anything. That was all you.

That was awesome, it was incredible. The stuff you were doing.

Hey, listen, I'm really sorry for being such a dick...

Hang on, me first.

I'm sorry I got so caught up doing this show,

I forgot what a good friend you are.

And I never want our friendship to change.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. I... You know,

that's exactly what I came here to tell you. It's like,

it's amazing, we're always on the same page.

I don't want our friendship to change, either.

CHEERING

Asher! Come on!

Oh! Oh, that's messy! Oh!

WISTFUL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS