Episode 1 Room 101 - Extra Storage

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete

to get their pet hates exiled for ever to the dark vault.

Joining me tonight are comedian Miranda Hart,

broadcaster John Craven and presenter Reggie Yates.

So, let's have our first category.

It's food and drink. OK.

So, what doesn't Miranda like about food and drink?

I don't like fruit or veg out of context.

So you might look at this and you think, "A banana in a hot dog?

"That's ridiculous." Well, that is no more ridiculous...

In fact, that's slightly less ridiculous to me

than a pineapple, an exotic fruit, on a pizza.

A pineapple has no place mucking about with ham...

APPLAUSE Thank you! ..tomato and dough. It's an exotic fruit.

So I'd like to focus on vegetables out of context, if I may, Sir Frank.

-OK.

-And I'll start you off... You've just been knighted.

A little bit premature.

This goes out after the New Year Honours list.

I will firstly give you the carrot cake.

Unacceptable. A carrot in a cake.

Either eat vegetables, or eat a cake.

I think vegetables are getting very cocky and they're infiltrating,

-they're infiltrating fun foods.

-Yes.

I think you should only eat vegetables

if they're in a scenario where you could pour gravy on them.

Would you pour gravy on a cake?

No, you'd look, at best, a loon. Stop it.

-And then now we're getting beetroot cake.

-Mmm.

Beetroot in a cake?

And then people say, "Oh, but it's a sugar replacement."

Well, don't have cake, then!

What about if they're tasty?

Like, a carrot cake is quite tasty.

It's a nice pudding.

But it's got carrot in it.

LAUGHTER

I admit it's the shock of seeing something where it ought not to be.

I mean, people talk about broken Britain.

I personally think the day Britain broke

was when someone put a piece of lime in the top of a beer bottle.

Yes. Well, there you go.

-That is a fruit out of context.

-Yeah. Why is it there?

No. I don't even like a raisin in a Garibaldi. There, I said it.

Wow. I'm sorry. I think you've gone too far.

No.

-I like a pineapple in a pizza.

-Ooh.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

I can't look at you, John.

LAUGHTER

I never thought I'd say that to John Craven.

I make myself, um, cheese and Brussels sprout sandwiches.

AUDIENCE: Ugh!

Have you tried them?

They're lovely because the heat of the sprout melts the cheese and er...

-Are you serious?

-I'm absolutely serious.

In bread, like in a roll?

Yeah, a sandwich. You've heard of the concept of the sandwich.

Not with Brussels sprouts in it, Frank.

I don't think I've gone exotic here.

OK. Well, you argue your case well.

I'm going to see what John Craven doesn't like about food and drink.

Nothing good can be said about a marrow.

-Well, we'll see.

-It is tasteless,

it's got an awful, soggy texture that makes me want to choke.

Marrow serves no useful purpose whatsoever,

apart from maybe being the biggest vegetable anybody can grow, often.

-You know, I think the biggest marrow ever was about eight stone.

-Yeah?

So that's fine. You know, grow it for a bit of fun,

and then throw it away. Don't eat it.

-I'm guessing, John, that you have judged a giant marrow contest in your time.

-I have.

I knew you had.

What I do like about a marrow is the fact that, as you say, it's so dull,

so that when it's stuffed, it really is just an edible bowl.

-That's right.

-It's like celery. Celery is an edible spoon.

You use it as a big spoon,

-don't you, to eat cottage cheese, say.

-Yeah.

If you eat it on its own, it's got that horrible string...

Marrow, you mean?

It's like eating a violin.

Nothing anybody can say will convince me

that marrow should not be in Room 101.

-OK. Well, blimey, you've argued that very strongly.

-Gosh.

You see, one thing I would say about it is

vegetables of a certain shape

are absolutely essential to British comedy.

You know, the marrow, the cucumber, for some of us, the courgette.

LAUGHTER

It features in some of the...

There's an artistic use of, er, a vegetable.

This, for example. This is the John Craven marrow.

That's amazing.

APPLAUSE

Well, how about that?

You can have that, John.

Well, thank you, Frank.

-We have, um... Do you know who Snoop Dogg is?

-No.

-OK.

I would have been more upset had he said yes.

-Yeah. Snoop Dogg is one of them rappers.

-Ah.

-Yeah.

No, I wouldn't know.

And, um, this is an amazing story.

A man grew the heaviest swede in the world,

and he got a message via YouTube from Snoop Dogg, asking for,

and I quote, "Advice on how to grow vegetation."

When he was over here, Snoop Dogg, he invited this guy to a gig

and this is what he had to say.

-So, Snoop heard about your talent, didn't he?

-Yes, yes.

And, um, he kind of got in touch over YouTube.

What did you think when you heard that message?

Bit strange, but, er, it's not my type of scene,

so I did turn the ticket down,

but in the end we went to the booking office

and managed to get them back.

I got my VIP pass with me to show my friends.

And you met him last night.

Met him last night, and I had a smoke with him.

I don't smoke, but he offered me one, so I took one.

-I'm hoping that's just tobacco.

-No, it wasn't!

LAUGHTER

I love that. OK, what's Reggie's food and drink pet hate?

-Yoghurt drinks. I can't stand 'em.

-Ah.

There's drinks, there's soft drinks, there's milkshake,

and then there's yoghurt drinks.

Why would you want a yoghurt drink?

-It just doesn't make sense.

-Mmm.

On a warm day, you wouldn't drink milk,

so why would you drink yoghurt? I don't understand.

Why is a milkshake acceptable and not a yoghurt shake?

Because it tastes good. It doesn't taste like yoghurt.

Yoghurt really annoys me because it's disgusting

and it's just gone-off stuff.

I don't want a cup of gone-off stuff.

I want a nice, fruity beverage that's refreshing.

This is ridiculous.

OK.

But a yoghurt has things called probiotics in it, which is, like,

-well good for you and stuff, isn't it?

-Very good for you.

So, in your face with that.

If I'm going to have a dairy-based drink, I like it to taste nice.

I also like it to go toe-to-toe with irritable bowel syndrome.

-Yeah.

-I tell you what I have a problem with.

-The Fruit Corner. Are you familiar with the Fruit Corner?

-Yeah, yeah.

Because that's not a yoghurt, that's a yoghurt kit.

I don't want to make my yoghurt, I want it to come...

The problem with that, is it can go wrong

because you have to do that weird thing where you flip the fruit into the yoghurt,

and if it goes wrong you've ruined the entire thing. Then you're just left with yoghurt,

which is just as bad as this nonsense.

-I don't flip the fruit in.

-Do you not?

-No.

-I have a bit of yoghurt, then a bit of fruit, a bit of yoghurt and a bit of fruit.

-You maverick.

LAUGHTER

You been hanging out with Snoop Dogg?

What would you say was the most masculine drink that exists?

See, I don't drink. I don't drink alcohol,

but I've always liked the idea of getting a short, stubby glass of brandy

and sitting at a piano and smoking a cigar.

That's a really nice, cool, man thing to do,

but I don't smoke and I don't drink so I'll never do that,

but I really like the idea of that.

-Can I ask, do you play the piano?

-No!

LAUGHTER

I ask about the macho thing because someone sent me this,

which is called... You see that? Oyster Stout.

I don't know if you can read the bottom of that.

"Stout made with bull testicles."

Oh. Shall I taste it?

-Do you want to taste it?

-Can I taste it?

-Yeah, certainly.

I just sort of feel like one of us should.

John, do you want to do it?

No, I'm really happy for you to try it.

Let's hope you don't develop a taste for it.

That's quite a thick froth that came out the can there.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Oh, Reggie!

Grow up!

It's a funny description.

It calls itself, "A luscious, uniquely ballsy stout..."

Oh, I see.

" ..with flavours of roasted barley, coffee and nuts."

Here we go.

It's like being on I'm A Celebrity.

-Oh, that is rank.

-Is it horrible?

Try some, John. Oh, that's really disgusting.

-It's an awful colour as well.

-Are you going to try it, John?

That's like drinking metal. Oh, no, that's not nice.

-Yuck.

-It tastes of...

-There's a really strong taste of liquorice.

It tastes of... Hmm, what is it? Testicles.

But John presents Countryfile,

so it won't be the first time he's gone home

smelling of bull's testicles.

OK, so we've come to the end of that round.

I think, the yoghurt drink thing,

I wouldn't want to get rid of probiotics

because I think they are sort of good for people,

so I think you're going to throw out the baby with the bath water.

The marrow, I can't let that go

because there's been so many fabulous visual jokes about it.

But Miranda, I think you make a good point

that things like carrot cake - they're cake.

Why don't they just 'fess up and be honest about it?

So I am going to put fruit and veg out of context into Room 101.

Yes!

Anyway, let's have our next category.

It's technology. All right.

So, what is John's technology hate?

It is electronic books. I hate electronic books.

CHEERING

With a real book, you know, you can actually feel it.

It's a very physical thing, a real book.

You turn the pages,

you can put it back on the shelf and feel good about it,

you can have your little bookmark to mark your spot in it.

Electronic books have none of that sort of thing.

Electronic books are just another gadget.

My real worry is that eventually

so many people will go for this easy, electronic read

that we'll start losing our bookshops,

and I don't want books to disappear.

So please...

CHEERING

The eBook is going to end up saving the, er, Amazon rainforest.

-Certainly end up saving Amazon.

-No, no.

LAUGHTER

I just think that...

I mean, I have a Kindle, and, er, I've also got, um,

an iPad and an iPod, and I'm just thinking, in the '80s,

I really got into inflatable furniture. I had a whole house...

If I'd kept that and those things, I'd be able to move house in a briefcase.

Do you have any ordinary books, then, Frank?

I still have the ordinary books.

I don't go around burning books. But that's a point.

If the Nazis had had Kindles,

they wouldn't have been so frightening if they were in the street, deleting books.

OK, well, it's a strong case.

What doesn't Reggie like about technology?

I can't bear Bluetooth headsets.

Wow.

They are incredibly annoying.

That's genius. I've only just seen it.

They're incredibly annoying and unfortunately

the majority of the people that actually use them are incredibly annoying people.

No offence. Thank you. Thank you.

They have been a source of great relief to me, though.

If you're walking down the street

and there's someone coming towards you

who you think might be talking to themselves,

and you get close, "Oh, thank God, they've got a..."

Any piece of technology that makes you look like you might be mad

surely should go in Room 101.

That's a very good way of classifying it, I must say.

They are quite expensive.

-Yeah, they're not cheap.

-I had a great...

Tell me, someone else might have come up with this idea.

I think this is brilliant. This is, er, my method of a cheap hands-free.

That's brilliant.

Yeah. Excellent. I've also found a way of saving money.

You know an iPod...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you seen these gloves? These are proper phones,

-and they have a speaker in the finger, the little finger.

-No way.

Honestly. A speaker - you can feel it there -

-and the earpiece is in there, so you actually do that.

-No way.

Is it wrong that I really want a pair of those gloves?

-Amazing.

-They are excellent.

See, that's actually kind of annoying.

Like, I can imagine my girlfriend or my little sister

getting really annoyed at me using that,

but I'd take so much pleasure in using that and annoying people,

as opposed to this. The people that use these think they look cool.

-Yeah.

-They think they're space age,

and they have their phone clipped on their belt,

just in case you didn't know this was connected to that.

Whereas with that, you know you look like a plonker.

-You're enjoying it.

-My problem is -

and you won't know this because you're a young man, Reggie -

but the ears get very hairy, and I'm worried that it might get overgrown.

It'll be like a blinking blue light showing through the undergrowth,

like a police car parked on a forest clearing.

LAUGHTER

OK. What's Miranda's technology hate?

-I hate the smartphone.

-"Smart phone". See?

I see what they've done there. That's clever.

Got a degree, you see.

Well, I should admit I have a smartphone.

I have one of the kind that's named by a fruit,

which is another fruit out of context.

And I have a mild addiction to it,

and that is my worry, that we are all addicted to our phones.

So I have a two-pronged attack.

One is the more serious, er, campaign,

which is that I genuinely worry where the younger generation,

where our artists, screenwriters, authors, er, are going to come from,

because the "yoot" of today are just constantly on screens.

There's no... A journey now is, "Let's check my emails."

There's no dreaming, looking out the window.

We're not going for walks any more.

We're not going on journeys any more. We're not communicating.

We're in this sort of world of just looking at a screen,

so I worry what's happening to people's imaginations.

That's the serious point about it.

My other point is that it's created text speak, which I...

if I hear someone say "OMG", I will kill them in the face.

LOL, it's created, which is a disaster for the 40s and over.

People still think that means "lots of love",

so therefore you get hilarious but awful incidences

where you might have someone text someone and go,

"I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. LOL. Mary."

That sort of thing.

Just everything about it is irritating and wrong,

and we need to go back to a simpler life. Thank you. Applause.

I like the way it's become people's conscience, though, the mobile phone.

So you sit with someone and they've got their phone there,

and they'll say, "Oh, I saw Susan last night.

"God, she's got fat. She looked absolutely... Hold on."

"She looked absolutely..." I love that.

Yeah.

What about photo bombing? Are you aware of that?

-No.

-Everyone now carries a camera with them at all times,

which never used to be the case.

No-one asks for autographs any more, they always want a photo.

What you do is, when you see someone having their photo took,

-you sneak in and...

-Oh, yes. Brilliant.

..and become a presence. We have some examples of this.

LAUGHTER

Nice.

And then, um, you'll like this one, John.

Oh! That's amazing!

And a slightly terrifying one.

-That is a stingray.

-No!

But just look behind the ray. Can you see somebody's head?

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, so that man has grabbed the ray and put it on those ladies.

Well spotted. So someone has actually photo bombed the ray.

LAUGHTER

Well, I don't agree with the creativity thing.

See, if I have an idea, I make a note of it on my smartphone,

and I read books on my smartphone.

I've got the complete works of Shakespeare

and the King James Bible on my smartphone.

Absolutely, but what about the youth of the day?

I don't care about them.

Also, I love books as well, John,

but because I love books,

I love the idea of being able

to carry a hundred books with me all the time. It's the words that count.

It's receiving wisdom from these great writers.

That's what I think it's all about.

But I do think people that wear Bluetooth headsets

do look like they need a smack in the face.

APPLAUSE

I'm going to put Bluetooth headsets into Room 101.

Anyway, let's have our next category.

OK, what doesn't Reggie like about modern life?

False nails.

Literally, 50 people just went...

-Me included.

-I can't bear acrylic nails. It's horrible.

They don't look real. You're not fooling anyone.

They're that long and they're shiny and luminous pink.

Got a feeling they're not yours.

And the worst thing about them is that when they grow out,

people don't want to get new ones,

so they paint the gap between their real nail and the acrylic nail.

And you've got this horrible flat bit, then this horrible lump where

the acrylic nail is attached to it by glue,

and it just looks horrendous. False nails, Room 101. I thank you.

Wow.

-You really won't like mine, Reggie, because...

-Oh, God.

Mine are based on those little drinking yoghurts.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think, isn't it part of nature's mating ritual that people

put stuff on their faces and dress up and make their nails look long?

You know what, I'm all for people painting their nails.

I think it's lovely when someone looks after... I love a manicure.

Never had one. But I love it when I see people get them. It looks great.

But so many young girls get the horrible clip-on business,

and when you get that done, it just looks really bad.

-It's so horrible.

-What do you think, John?

I remember Dolly Parton having very big nails, very long nails.

LAUGHTER

You're the only person in the world who would have put "nails"

at the end of that sentence.

As he was doing it, I'm afraid you went like that.

He went like that.

-Massive nails.

-Massive nails.

-Huge nails.

-Yeah.

Did you say, "Phwoar, look at the nails on that?"

I wonder if they're real!

Well, we have a picture of the woman who supposedly has

the longest nails on the planet. This is Chris Walton.

GROANING

-Begs a lot of questions, that, doesn't it?

-It does.

I think a bidet is the answer.

We've actually got, this is a bit of a souvenir of this woman.

This is her oven glove.

OK. So what doesn't John like about modern life?

I don't like the way that common normal names are

spelt differently these days just to make it sound unique and different.

I'm not talking about the fancy names that pop stars

-and people like that give their children, wacky names.

-Good.

-What's your little boy called, Frank?

-He's called Buzz.

-That's all right, Buzz.

-Buzz. Yes, as in, you know...

-Lightyear.

Or, for you, John, Aldrin.

You know, what I don't like is when a child, when we're doing autographs

for little kids, as we all do, and you say, "What's your name?"

And she says, "Daisy. That's D-A-I-Z-Y."

They change a letter to make the name sound unique, like Michael.

M-I-K-Y-L.

And that means that that poor child, for the rest of its life,

will have to go around saying, "I spell my name this way, not the normal way."

Can I ask you, John, are you convinced that this is always deliberate?

Sometimes it might not be.

I just think, you know,

to have to almost every day of your life, to have to say,

"No, it's not spelt in the normal way, it's not like this,"

must be a bit of a drag.

But the one upside to it is that it makes it easy for everyone

to identify who was brought up by a moron.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm glad, though, that you're all right with unusual names,

because obviously, I've already had some stick about calling my son an unusual name.

I think it's important to keep inventing new names,

-because names disappear.

-Yes. That's fine.

I think we can say Adolf's gone.

I met an Annette Curtain, genuinely.

-No!

-I did! Annette Curtain.

-Wow.

I said to her, "But you're a joke!"

Are you telling me you didn't say to her, "Pull yourself together!"

I can't believe, I can't believe you missed that opportunity.

OK, what doesn't Miranda like about modern life?

Oh.

I don't know why I'm on there, but it's a weather report.

I don't like that.

-Oh, God.

-Shall we take that off and shall I just hold the cloud?

-Yeah.

I can't believe I've broken your prop. That's hilarious. Yes. Anyway...

-It's an iPhone thing.

-Bluetooth, dear!

Bluetooth!

Weather forecasts. Why would anyone not like weather forecasts?

They annoy me so much.

Because, well, I think the people who do them

are clearly hedging their bets.

They know that their job shouldn't really exist.

It's always reports like, you know,

"There will be sun today, but maybe some cloud."

There's always maybes, there's always possibles of rain,

-it's not an exact science.

-No.

But what annoys me more is the fact that we adhere to them

and love them so much.

My parents, for example, it will ruin their day.

Last year, they had their 40th wedding anniversary.

They planned outside, they watched the weather report -

"And in the south, there will be rain."

"There's going to be rain! And we planned it all outside!

"Darling, book the village hall, we'll do this, we'll cancel that," the whole thing.

I said, "Why don't we wake up and see what the weather's like tomorrow?"

"No, it says it's going to rain."

Next morning, not a cloud in the sky, and I go,

"Look, we can reschedule it now." "No, because it said it was going to rain."

-Microclimates, that's called.

-Is it?

A microclimate, when your little bit is not what

they say it's going to be everywhere else.

No, it's because weather reports are a nonsense.

I like the idea that newsreaders are quite friendly with the weather,

and they say, "Oh, it's over to Suzanne now."

And she says hi, and it's all lovely.

I like it when that goes a bit wrong. Watch this.

Now, we'll have the weather forecast in a minute and,

of course, it'll be 100% accurate

and provide all the detail you could want.

I've just seen Tomasz Schafernaker preparing for it. I'm not...

There you are, then. There's always one mistake. That was it.

-That's hilarious.

-That went out live on BBC.

I like the way he tried to mask it.

He did the finger, but then he went...

"I was just doing this."

Hold it, where's my harmonica?!

And I don't feel when it went back to the newsreader, they really helped.

They said, "There's always one mistake, and that was it."

I thought it was like, "There you go, you're fired."

They should have covered it up. Yeah.

OK, so that comes to the end of the modern life round,

and I think that, again, you've all argued very well.

I still believe in weather forecasts,

and I'm actually slightly fascinated by the old meteorological things,

so I don't feel I can let that go.

And I do feel that false nails, they make people happy,

and I know sometimes they can go a bit wrong,

but I think you see a woman out in false nails,

and they look on top of the world, and I like that.

But I do think, I'm glad you're not anti-weird names, John,

for obvious reasons, but I'm glad you're championing spelling,

and so I am going to put unusual spellings of names into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Next category, please.

Now, this is the wildcard round,

when you're not constrained by any particular theme.

You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

So, what is Reggie's wildcard?

-The hip-hop handshake.

-Oh, right.

-Stand up, Frank.

-Yeah. I'm going to need...

I'll show you what it is.

-Yeah.

-Right? So put your hands out,

and I'll show you the hip-hop handshake.

-I've seen this before.

-It sort of starts there.

Oh, it starts conventionally. Yeah.

And then it becomes all macho and masculine.

Pat me on the back.

OK. Right, right. Yeah, OK.

You've got to pop your waistline out because you see where... No, no, no.

The other way.

-You can do it that way if you want.

-No, no. OK.

-So you're doing it really, really, really gentle.

-Yeah.

-You've got to go for it.

-Real sort of overt macho guy with it.

-Yeah. I'm a white, middle-aged man.

-Do it anyway.

That's my problem.

This is where it gets really awkward.

-Shall we try it?

-Hey, Frank! Yo!

-Hey! Hey! Hey!

I spent a week at a meditation centre, right,

and hugging was a very big part of it,

and there was a very specific style of hugging.

-John, do you want a hug with me?

-Yeah, why not?

-Yeah, OK.

-A hug?

-So, you have to bend your knees slightly,

but we have to interlock our knees like this.

This way?

Yeah, that's it. No, no, you have to get...

I'm loving it so far. And then we hug each other. Hold tight.

And then as I breathe out, you breathe in.

This is three times. Out you breathe.

Keep going.

One more for luck.

We'd get locked up for this.

That was lovely, wasn't it?

The idea is that we sort of breathe as one.

We become one person.

Did you feel that? Did it work for you?

I've never done it with clothes on before but...

But that one, you see, at least there is something to learn.

I feel like if I don't know the hip-hop handshake,

-I'm being a bit disrespectful or something.

-Well, here's the thing.

It's becoming more and more popular

and more and more people are doing it.

The point when I realised it was becoming an epidemic

was when I saw it at the Olympics,

where you had gold medallists from different countries

doing this weird handshake with each other,

like they were saying hello to Jay-Z and P Diddy.

That shouldn't happen at the Olympics.

A normal handshake will do, and should do, I believe.

-Did it always flow?

-No.

That's the worst thing about it.

It's happened a couple of times to me, when I've met the JLS.

-Oh, yes.

-Ah.

And they went in for the handshake

and I went, "No, you're making me look like a fool because I don't know what to do."

Shall I be one of JLS and you be you,

and we show everyone what happened?

All right, because I won't be able to do it.

-All right. I'll be Marvin from JLS.

-Hi, Marvin. You all right?

-Hey, what's up?

-Hey.

-Hey, Miranda. Yo, what's up, baby? Uh, uh.

-It felt nice.

-Something awkward happens like that.

Do you know what? I had a dog that used to do that.

So, what is John's wildcard?

Spitting.

It is the most antisocial thing that people can do, I think,

in public, to, er, to spit.

I know in some parts of the world, it's accepted.

I mean, in China, everybody's spitting all the time.

That's a genuine Chinese sign.

-So it is.

-They're trying to actually discourage it.

It's such an unpleasant thing,

especially when it's a sportsman doing it, you know, footballers.

In the Olympic Games there was quite a bit of spitting

going on with the athletes in the marathon and things like that.

Did you see that one when Mo Farah won gold

and there was an American guy who I think got silver, and Mo Farah just...

You know they collapse on the track? The American guy spat on the track,

and Mo Farah was rolling, and he was getting closer and closer.

The whole nation was like this, "No, Mo, don't!"

Wayne Rooney has been caught spitting, hasn't he?

We've got a great... What about this? Look at this for a spit.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

That was where they got the idea for these from.

OK. What's Miranda's wildcard?

LAUGHTER

Why did I suggest this? Um...

My breasts.

-Your breasts.

-Yeah.

You want to put them into Room 101?

Yeah. Please, please put them into Room 101.

The difficult thing about this, I feel, straightaway,

is usually, I argue on behalf of the thing the person...

Have I got to sit here and say, "No, I think they're great"?

I'm going to feel like some kind of animal.

They're too big, basically, is the problem.

And quite often... I don't know if it's because I'm tall,

but I'm not joking, I regularly...

I just gently nudge people on their shoulder with my breast.

Yeah?

And it's always really awkward and I don't want to go, "Sorry,"

in case they hadn't noticed.

That suggests a certain amount of swinging from side to side.

Well, that's the other problem with a large breast,

is that you've got to have a very, very good bra.

So then you've got to have the bra-measuring thing, which is a nightmare.

Then out of the bra... I mean, we're talking, you know, two jellies sliding down a plate.

-I mean, it's not the best look.

-I'm so embarrassed.

-I know.

The other thing about them, and this...

There's not many real things in my sitcom, but this is real.

This happened to me,

that once when I was naked in bed and I rolled over, they clapped.

That's embarrassing.

I don't know if it's embarrassing. That's awesome.

This is unlikely, but what about if you hit on hard times?

You still have that lad mags photo shoot option.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I think it's nice to have something to fall forward on.

I've got, um, one last thing that I think will win you over,

and make you realise how beautiful your breasts are,

and that is a marrow carved in the shape of Miranda's breasts.

-There they are.

-That's hilarious.

Have I won you over to marrows now, John?

Just about.

You can stuff that one later. So...

OK, then, that is the wildcard round.

I don't think I can put your breasts in, Miranda,

because I just think that... How can I put this?

I think they seem to be quite nice.

LAUGHTER

And, um, I think the handshake, at least it is a friendly gesture.

I know it can be awkward,

but I like the fact that men are getting a bit more intimate.

-I enjoyed ours.

-Yeah, and it does express a bit of love.

It's hard to find a defence for spitting, though, I must say.

It does spread diseases and I don't think there is any need for it.

I am going to put spitting into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, John. You were the most persuasive guest tonight so you are this week's winner.

Thank you.

OK. Thanks very much, Reggie Yates, Miranda Hart and John Craven,

and thank you. Good night!

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