Episode 4 Room 101 - Extra Storage

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. I'm Frank Skinner. Welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled forever

to the dark vault that is Room 101.

Joining me tonight are TV Dragon Deborah Meaden,

pop star Paloma Faith and comedian Jason Manford.

OK, let's kick off. Shall we have our first category, please?

Shopping. OK.

So what doesn't Deborah like about shopping?

Cue.

This is people who don't get their money out or ready until the...

AUDIENCE APPROVAL

..until the cashier actually says, "That's £50, please",

and they look really surprised. "Oh? I've got to pay?"

Having watched all of their goods come through.

It's all right for you, Deborah. You keep all your money in a big pile on the table!

What if they have to rush through to pack

so then they don't have time to get their wallet. That always happens to me.

Ah, well, I'm usually ahead of the cashier.

-I'm like that.

-And I'm that person...

-Of course you are!

I am that person who...

I imagine you're a person who's an impatient person who has things to do.

-Is that fair to say?

-I don't know if I'm impatient, but I'm...

-No, you don't sound at all impatient(!)

-Not at all, no.

I'm very relaxed about things.

No, but I am prepared

and it's not a surprise that if you've bought a lot of goods that they're going to ask for your money.

But their money's in their bag. It's easy for you, cos you've got more of it!

It's easy for you to find.

Some people are trying to... "Oh, I can't find my money cos I'm on minimum wage."

-Oh!

-So...

-Don't go for the sympathy vote. He's really competitive.

-I'm just saying...

-Do not go for the sympathy vote!

No, I think it's a good point...

Jason is not on minimum wage, you do know that?

Too right!

Don't let that shirt fool you, Deborah!

I'm like you. I'm ahead of the game.

I get to a point where I'm annoyed, when I put my card in the chip and pin machine,

if they tell me, "Just put your number in there."

"I know how it works! I've had this for..." "Put your number in."

"I know! I know what to do!"

"You can take it out now." "I know! It says, 'Take it out'!

"I wasn't gonna leave it here, was I?"

I think they're both a bit up-tight.

I wonder if they're thinking, "That's Deborah Meaden in the queue behind us.

"If we take ages to get the money, she might say, 'Oh, I'll pay'."

The cashier helps, doesn't he, sometimes.

He's like, "Want any help with your packing?"

And you always say no. You go, "I'm all right, really."

Even though there's loads of it. You go, "I'm all right."

And they look at you like you've insulted their skills.

They look at you like, "OK. Let's see how we manage it triple speed."

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

OK. What is Paloma's shopping hate?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

"Ooh", go the crowd!

Ugg boots.

This is an actual item of shopping.

Ugg stands for ugly!

Everyone seems to like them

and their justification for it is, "But they're comfortable."

Well, look at me.

That does not factor in my system.

That is not good enough in my book.

I actually have a rule that if anybody turns up to work for me in these,

they immediately will get fired.

Wow!

And how many industrial tribunals have you been taken to?

They make people walk in a lazy way.

Like, if you lazily wear Ugg boots,

you might become lazy in every other area of your life.

I get your point!

-I daren't say it!

-She's got some, I know!

I wear them all the time. When I'm not wearing these,

I wear those. And you're gonna hate... You're gonna hate this,

Crocs.

Oh, they were the other ones!

Hold on. You said that these make people walk lazy

and then they become lazy in everyday life.

-That's what you're saying.

-Yeah... Well, she's the proof.

-Deborah.

-I get it.

How many businesses do you run?

-19 at the moment.

-19 businesses.

-Aside from that...

-Apart from...

They're just ugly.

Aside from actual proof!

OK, maybe that's wrong. Maybe that's a sweeping statement.

But, yeah, I'm happy to admit that that might be wrong.

-Let's see what's in my one, then!

-My main point...

I just think that they're really unattractive and ugly and horrible.

Have you actually worn a pair?

-I would never.

-I feel, like you say, you can't judge a man till you've walked in his shoes.

-True.

-Shall I try them on?

-It's only fair.

-Yeah, try 'em on!

Please, whoever's at home, do not freeze-frame this

and put it in some silly gossip column!

I hate it already.

I hate it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLE

You look great!

Can you take them off? I don't like them.

I think they look quite sexy.

I find them horrible and repulsive and they're too hot.

We've got a picture of Raquel Welch looking great in Uggs.

That's what I look like at home!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's talk about comfort. I think this could change your mind.

The new invention is this, right?

It's called a pillow hat.

There you go.

Can you still hear me?

Now this is... When I was a drinking man,

this would have been really handy.

Cos when I used to go to the urinal in the 1980s,

I used to stand like this!

LAUGHTER

-I love it.

-I get the same feeling about that as I do about Ugg boots.

Yeah. You look like a dead Teletubby!

It's fine!

OK. What doesn't Jason like about shopping?

It's this shop

on the high street, called Lush.

Ah, yes.

CHEERING

Even if you don't want handmade soap,

and you don't want any involvement in the shop,

the smell from the shop spills out onto the street.

And not in a good way, like Greggs.

LAUGHTER

It's like you've been punched in the nose

by a mango or something. I don't know what...

All the soaps are like "Fun Green",

"Fun Pink" and "Mango and Lime".

I just want to wash my balls, I don't need one of my five a day!

I mean, not in the shop, don't get me wrong.

I just find it odd. I suppose as a bloke,

I just grab some soap or some shower gel or whatever, and wash in it.

I don't really focus on the types

and I don't need it to smell a certain way.

I don't even... I made the mistake - have you used that mint and tea tree shower gel?

Have you used that?

No. I usually... I'm a soap man.

-That's the one that makes you go all...

-It's the coldest thing you've ever put on your body in your life.

Up here, it's all right. Down there, it's like a polar bear's having a lick.

Freezing. Freezing.

Well, I'm a big soap fan, I must say.

I had apple and laburnum, I was using recently.

-What?!

-Yeah.

-I only know what half of that is!

I actually got a scratch on my back

from a bit of branch that was in the soap.

-You liked that? That was...

-That's what I told my girlfriend, anyway.

I don't think I've ever gone out to go, "I want that certain soap or shower gel".

-Really?

-I just grab whatever's in there.

I went about three weeks washing in Frizz-Ease.

It's just for easing frizzy hair.

It's not for washing in. I didn't realise.

All your armpit hair was straight.

All my pubic hair was straight!

My willy looked like Cher.

I had to roll them all back with a pencil.

LAUGHTER

They do cut it to size, though... Not your pubic hair.

The soap.

APPLAUSE

I think that's it for shopping, isn't it?

Well, I like fancy soaps, so I'm drawn to this place.

And I think women certainly look great in Uggs.

I thought you looked great in Uggs when you put them on.

So I'm afraid I do get annoyed by people that don't have their change ready

so I am going to put people who don't have their change ready at the till into Room 101.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Anyway, let's have our next category.

What kind of people wind up Paloma?

This is quite clever, this prop.

Jobsworths.

It's a mathematical sign for "more than".

It's more than my job's worth.

AUDIENCE: Ooh-hoo!

The thing that irritates me really

is people who are doing their job

and they take their power too seriously.

And there's no like consideration for the fact that you're a human being.

The kind of jobsworths I'm talking about are like,

Immigration, when you aren't part of that country.

And they're really enjoying saying, "Stand behind the yellow line."

And your foot's an inch over it

and they're like, "Please stand behind the line, ma'am."

And I'm just like...

And, um, traffic wardens.

They love to do that.

"You have to move on." It's all like, "Sorry, but it's my job."

And that's what they say.

But why are you parked there? Do you know what I mean?

I had a jobsworth. A barman, or landlord, where I went into the pub

just to use the toilet.

I just needed a loo, I didn't need a drink.

I just thought I'd just use the loo.

And he said, "The toilets are for customers only."

And I said, "Well, I have been a customer here, once.

"And I didn't use the loo.

"So..."

I've had experiences with traffic wardens in particular,

where you've realised that they're being really unhelpful

and then suddenly you just go to him,

"Mate, if I give you 20 quid",

and they go, "All right."

Wow, where's this?

-So you know they were just being belligerent on purpose.

-I'm so glad you said that on TV, Paloma(!)

Yes, and of course there is bribery.

That is one way around it.

I think it's a Ying and Yang thing.

These people, if there weren't people like that

who are following rules and are very stiff and unbending,

then people like you with your wacky, colourful, anarchic sense

wouldn't exist. You need Ying and Yang. You need the balance.

But do you think it's harmful for somebody's foot to be an inch over the yellow line?

-Rules is rules.

-It can be an inch one day...

Oh, God, I bet you're a Tory voter!

Guess who's not gonna win this round?

OK. What sort of people wind up Jason?

People in lifts.

They just wind me up. I don't know what it is.

I spend a lot of time in hotels and find myself in lifts quite a lot.

It's the only time you say good night to a stranger, for some reason.

You get out of a lift. "Good night." "Why have I done that? It's weird."

Then you get the bloke on the ground floor who goes,

he gets nearest the buttons and he goes, "What floor?"

And you go, "You're not in charge of the lift. Why have you...

-"You've got no more... You've got no more..."

-He's trying to be helpful.

"You've got no more right to those buttons than I have."

You'd be a miserable contestant on Countdown!

"I'll move my own numbers, thank you very much!"

I just don't like the presumption. I don't like it.

The ones that get me, when you're waiting to cross the road and you're at a pelican crossing.

And you've been there for ages and someone comes and presses the button,

even though it's got "Wait" lit up

and you've clicked, like you're too stupid and you would have stood there

and not pressed the button! How insulting! And worst of all,

is when you haven't pressed the button!

I didn't realise how dangerous lifts could be.

This is a safety instructions diagram

warning people about - and it's a genuine thing -

for taking a wheelie bin into a lift.

Could that really happen?

That's brilliant.

That is brilliant.

Anyway, what is Deborah's "People" choice?

It's people who say, "With all due respect".

Because what that actually means is, "Brace yourself,

"cos I've got your 'get out of jail free' card

"and whatever I say next, you're not going to like it

"and I have no respect for you whatsoever."

-That is true.

-Hmm.

They never quantify how much respect you are actually due.

No, but you know it's none!

You know underneath that, it's none.

The other phrase that gets me is people who say, again, a phrase that means nothing,

"I just live each day as it comes."

We all do! That's the only...

That's the only option, isn't it?

"Oh, no, not me. I like to save seven or eight days up and then use them all at once!"

I'm amazed, Deborah, that anyone would dare say this to you.

Cos aren't you usually the boss in these situations?

Actually, I've had someone say it in the Den, just the once, very early on.

And actually somebody said - it was a really smooth pitch -

and it was this really confident guy,

and I remember just asking him a question,

proffering it in a way that I kind of, "Doesn't that happen?"

and it was, "With all due respect..."

-and you could just feel the tension.

-Oh!

-Exactly.

That's what happened! Five Dragons all went... Like that.

So he didn't get an investment. And nobody's done it again.

I used to do that thing where... Well, I say a thing.

I might be the only person who ever did it!

Where I'd be ringing up, you know, one of the power companies or something,

complaining about money or whatever.

And at the end of the conversation, I'd be really angry and say,

"I want the money back in my account now! Right. OK. Love you. Bye."

"Oh, no!"

I'd just told Norweb I love them!

OK. That brings us to the end of that round.

I am not going to put in "people in lifts",

because I think they're trying to be nice to you,

they're trying to press the buttons to help you out.

I think you're the bad guy in this story!

-And Deborah, with all due respect...

-Oh, no!

I think you're being a bit touchy

about people who feel they need to tell you something but are a bit frightened.

-Really?

-However, I do agree there are some people who have no flexibility

and they can really make life miserable.

So I am going to put "Jobsworths" into Room 101.

OK, next category, please!

What doesn't Jason like about entertainment?

LAUGHTER

It's not musicals. I love musicals.

But it's those musicals that sing all the way through.

Like there's no respite, there's no talking.

It doesn't even rhyme after a bit, they don't even care.

# Would you like a cup of tea?

# I will have a cup of tea

# Would you like sugar in your tea?

# I will have sugar in my tea. #

You can talk that. You don't need to sing that.

They're sitting in a pub and somebody will say it's dark

and they'll go, # Oh darkness... # And off they go.

I hate musicals in general.

-You can't hate musicals.

-I hate all of them.

In life, I just don't relate to that.

When something goes wrong, you don't suddenly go,

# Aah! # It's all geared towards you enjoying yourself.

-I thought that's what you did for a living.

-That's your job, though.

I'll tell you what does annoy me, they make musicals of anything now.

You get something blah, blah. So it could be Horse Riding: The Musical.

Any word with colon, the musical.

Not Colon: The Musical.

LAUGHTER

Songs about the digestive system!

Then, of course, there's Colon The Barbarian.

It shows the colon in a very bad light.

I've got a clip here and this is when

you think there should be singing, but instead there's talking. Get a load of this.

If a picture paints a thousand words

Then why can't I paint you?

The words will never show

The you I've come to know.

That was Telly Savalas, obviously.

In 1975, that was Number One.

You keep thinking, "In a minute, he'll start singing", but he never does.

It's the easiest job anyone's ever had.

He just talks the whole thing.

And I'm not condemning Telly Savalas because me

and him see eye to eye on a lot of things.

I can't sing it like he can, but I can assure you

this is my kind of town.

I was told to get there before it all blew away.

It was spectacular cherry blossom time

in Birmingham's Bournville.

LAUGHTER

That's amazing.

I love that guy.

Anyway, let's see what winds Deborah up about entertainment.

It's concert etiquette.

Ah.

It's that time when you walk into an opera or into the Albert Hall

and you feel like everybody else knows when they should clap,

what they should wear,

are they allowed to cough?

Can I open my sweets?

You know, whatever it is you do... You're about to applaud

and you just see everybody turn round.

They can feel you about to applaud.

"Oh, no, I just chose the wrong moment again." So, concert etiquette.

You're not talking about going to see a band,

-you're talking about going to see something a bit more refined.

-A posh thing.

Yeah. I can remember being in the Albert Hall and you get to the end of a movement

and you think, "That's brilliant, I'm going to applaud".

I often applaud at the end of a movement.

Oh, no, I can't believe... I delivered that!

-That was fantastic.

-Is this Colon: The Musical again?

It is, yeah.

Would you go to see a rock band?

-Would I go? Absolutely.

-Would you crowd surf?

Would I crowd surf?!

This is how I imagine Deborah would crowd surf if she crowd surfed.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-In fairness, it would be a speedboat.

-Of course.

Anyway, what is Paloma's entertainment hate?

Oh.

-These are overnight successes.

-Oh, OK.

And I'm not really putting the overnight successes in Room 101,

I'm putting the people who think it's a good idea to have those people,

-to make them stars, because I don't think they're really equipped for it.

-Yeah.

Like when we have people who've just been on reality TV shows

and then suddenly they, like, become stars,

and then everybody's surprised that they have these mental breakdowns.

And it's like, of course you're going to have a mental breakdown

because last week you were eating beans

and this week everyone's saying that you're going to be the next big thing.

If you graft from the beginning to get somewhere,

then you've had enough hard knocks on the way up

that when you actually get there and you open the paper and everyone's slagging you off,

you just go, "Oh well, I've heard that before."

You're all right.

I know.

APPLAUSE

-What about this bloke then?

-Who's he?

-Who's he?

-Who is he?

That's showbiz, isn't it?

This bloke won Britain's Got Talent in 2011.

So recently!

-So recently. That is Jai McDowall.

-Oh, yeah.

I loved that gasp of non-recognition from the audience.

It's sad.

-So recently.

-They put him on a pedestal and now what's he doing?

-Was he the guy...?

-He's probably on a pedestal, painting ceilings.

-Was he the guy inside the dancing dog?

-No.

Have we found some people we would never have found?

-Yeah.

-We must have done.

-Susan Boyle.

-Susan Boyle is one.

-She's one. There are others.

-Paul Potts.

-Pol Pot?!

Not Pol Pot.

He's bad.

He was an overnight success. He started at Year Zero.

What I'm saying is if you say get rid of these people who make people overnight successes,

then we get rid of all the artists who do make it.

How about we put in a little bit more protection for the people who enter?

And they're a bit kinder to them?

Lovely sentiment, but that's not what you're trying to put in Room 101 and that's the game.

I find the X Factor,

I only find it good at the beginning,

-you know when you get the proper nutters.

-You like the medieval bit.

-I do.

It's not fair.

When it gets to the part where they're all talented, I'm not bothered.

I agree with that.

If it was me, I'd have that show in reverse.

I'd try and find the nutter. That's what I'd do.

OK, we come to the end of that round and you've all argued your case very well.

It is difficult when you go to a concert

and you make a fool of yourself

and I love musicals, but I'm not so partial to ones when you sing all the way through

and the overnight successes, I do feel a bit

sorry for them.

But at least they've had a taste of it.

But maybe they're not emotionally equipped to make those decisions for themselves.

Then they'll find pain wherever they work.

I am going to put concert etiquette into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Let's have our next category.

It's the Wildcard category, which means there are no restraints, no categories.

You can just choose anything at all that you don't like.

So, what is Jason's wildcard?

It is little cars that hide behind big cars.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Oh, look!

"We've got a space! We've got a space!

-"Oh, you little..."

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

It winds me up.

There's no reason not to park here, and then we'd know.

I've had to make a decision now. Get here. Oh, great(!)

It's even worse when you're the passenger and you go, "I've seen one. I've seen one."

Then you just like an idiot to the rest of the car.

Like you can't see a car.

I think most of those little cars are better for the environment.

-Right.

-So actually I think it's the big cars that are the problem.

-Really?

-If more people had little cars,

everyone would see each other and the environment would be a better place.

APPLAUSE

I find parking difficult at the best of times.

-Hmm.

-I failed my driving test six times. So...

Oh, yeah, laugh. I cried myself to sleep!

I remember one of them was parallel parking.

He said, "Can you put your car between that red car and that blue car?"

And I said no.

I don't live there. I mean, why do they do that? "Park it there."

"I'll tell you what. Let's find a proper space and we'll walk back, if you're bothered."

That's what I do in real life!

Yeah. Though I do that thing, if I park, and then walk to the place I'm going,

-and I see another space, I always say, "I could have parked there."

-That is annoying.

In a car park, why don't they have a system

where, when you go into the car park, you're given a number

like at a deli counter

and that is the number of your parking bay

and you just drive straight there and park.

That's genius. Hang on.

Deborah, you should get on this.

Actually, I was sitting there thinking, "That seems like a very good idea."

-It's a brilliant idea.

-You just said it on national TV now.

Then as you leave, you'd clock out so they'd know that bay was now empty.

That is a very good idea. Mind, you'd have to know where the bay is.

You'd have to kind of know your car park.

It would be in numerical order.

That's a good idea. That is brilliant.

-Gosh, he's good!

-I didn't tell you about that particular detail!

Now this is the best piece of parking I think I've ever seen.

MAN: Nice parking!

Brilliant.

Anyway, what is Deborah's wildcard?

It is smart casual.

Smart...casual.

How does that work? What does that mean on invitations?

Is it smart...

or is it casual?

Smart-casual.

But it's easier for men than for women.

Cos it changes according to the group of friends.

Some groups of friends, if you say smart casual, I turn up in jeans with something sparkly on top.

And she's wearing top-to-toe sequins.

-So it changes all the time.

-If you're friends with Shirley Bassey, that's going to happen.

I got invited to a wedding a little while ago.

It said, "Dress code - fabulous."

-I mean, what's that?

-What did you wear? Please, tell me what you wore.

I just didn't go. That was that.

Cos I don't know what that is.

Tonight, I am wearing what I think is probably the ultimate smart casual.

They're called cord-arounds.

I'm going to show you these.

These are corduroy trousers

but the cord, instead of going straight down...

-Goes around!

-..is horizontal.

-Ooh, look at that!

-Can you see that?

This is the genuine blurb from the company.

"Don't you hate it when vertical cord friction heats your crotch

"to uncomfortable, even dangerous levels?"

Wait for it!

"Cord-arounds mesh evenly,

"lowering the crotch heat index by 22 per cent."

"Crotch heat index"! That's amazing!

Crotch heat index!

OK, then. What is Paloma's wildcard?

This is the book Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey, written by EL James.

My beef with it is, there are a few levels to it,

then I'm going to read out quotes to back up my argument.

I hope you've selected these carefully!

Basically, first of all, it's written with the worst English imaginable.

The second thing is it's as if feminism never existed.

And then the third thing is I think it gives a bad message to men and women

about women's sexuality.

Just to point out, I won't read the quote because I've been told it's a bit too sordid,

but there is this girl in it

who's never been intimate with a man before

and therefore has never climaxed before.

But he just touches her nipples a bit and she does climax.

Now, I just want to point out to most men

and some young women,

that that's not possible.

I just think it's giving out the wrong message.

Can I just point out that I think it's possible

to climax just from a slight touch of horizontal corduroy.

-There are...

-I think my crotch heat index just went up!

-Woo!

-There are some bits where she says,

these are the non-feminist bits where he says,

"Miss Steele, you're not just a pretty face.

"You've had six..." I'll doctor it for the sake of the fact this is 8.30.

"Six climaxes so far,

"and all of them belonged to me."

Like, what a BEEP-hole!

"Because actually, no, they were mine, thanks."

I've underlined so many bits. I could teach a course on how rubbish this is.

I think you should do the audio book!

God, what if you'd blinded Deborah then?

People are reading this!

I've just had an image of Deborah Meaden in hospital, saying,

"I'm blind!" And they say, "What was it?" And you say, "It was Fifty Shades Of Grey."

There is this argument now that it's wakened things in some people that...

I think there are loads of other books that could have done that

without making people feel like they have to get back to 1940s values.

But also, at the same time, what if, just in this instance...

Read some of it. Go on, read some.

I mean, that's impossible, that.

This book, I should point out,

has, in the last year, out-sold the Highway Code.

It's true. It means there's going to be a lot more people being rear-ended.

From a feminist point of view, it's on thin ice.

Because this woman, Anastasia Steele,

she meets this bloke Christian Grey and she basically signs a contract

in which she gives him control of her life.

Let me read this. This is the first paragraph of the contract.

"The submissive" - that's her - "The submissive will obey any instructions

"given by the dominant" - that's him -

"immediately, without any hesitation or reservation

"and in an expeditious manner."

Which is exactly the same clause that Nick Clegg had

in his contract with David Cameron.

If some woman turned up going, "I want to be submissive to you and you be in charge",

you'd be going, "Well, can I watch the football first?"

-It's not...

-Yeah, but she has to do it in this book.

Yeah, she'd have to say yes.

Well, I think that sounds all right.

OK. So we come to the end of that round.

And, um...

Jason argues very well for the annoying car parking.

But I also think that the point that little cars are saving our lives

-does slightly blow that out the water.

-What?!

Smart casual, I like the excitement of some people getting it right and some people getting it wrong.

But I do think that the whole concept of Fifty Shades Of Grey,

the idea that it's awoken all these little people in their suburbs

is just wrong.

Because there's all sorts of lovely books, videos and a whole internet

that can do that.

So I am going to put Fifty Shades Of Grey into Room 101.

And that brings us to the end of the show.

And well done, Paloma. You were the most persuasive guest,

so you are tonight's winner!

So thanks very much, Jason Manford, Deborah Meaden and Paloma Faith.

And thank you! Good night!

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