Episode 6 Room 101 - Extra Storage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show in which three guests battle to get the things they hate into the dreaded room.

Joining me are The One Show's Alex Jones, broadcaster Clive Anderson and comedian Jack Whitehall!

CHEERING

OK, so let's see our first category.

Ah, the great outdoors. So what does Alex hate about the great outdoors?

-Oh, hold on!

-That's me.

No, I have to help this a little.

SHE LAUGHS Here we go.

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Yeah. It is.

It is seagulls and, to be honest, that has happened way too many times.

When has it happened to you?

The most recent time, I was in the House of Lords.

-Yes.

-I was out on the balcony.

And it was a dinner.

It was the first time that Christine Bleakley and I would be sitting next to each other.

-Oh, tense!

-So I thought, "Make an impression."

-Yes.

-So I go out, have a little orange juice on the balcony, calm myself.

Next thing, one of these... MIMICS AIRCRAFT ENGINE

It deposited this lumpy stuff right down my arm, down a cream coat.

-Did you see the bird?

-I did see the bird. It was a massive one.

I think it might have been Adrian Chiles.

LAUGHTER

Well, we've got a special guest.

-No, we haven't.

-They're scavengers.

They're a menace on society,

they will eat your food and then poo on you!

They are on the edges of society, I'll give you that. They're outlaws.

We have video evidence of this, of criminal activity.

Look at this character, right?

Outside a mini-market...

In he goes, straight, straight to the orange Doritos!

APPLAUSE

Oh, look, and there's his mate going in for dips!

The thing is, we've all stolen snacks from a mini-market, but you don't eat it right outside the shop!

LAUGHTER

-They get really big as well, you know.

-Huge.

-Enormous.

-In 2002, a seagull did actually manage to kill somebody.

LAUGHTER

Are you not thinking of Steven Seagal?

-No!

-They do grow. They grow enormous. Look at this.

'Tom Steinfort, 9 News.'

Police say they hope someone burdened with information will help solve a 27-year-old gangland murder...

-You see, they're endless fun.

-Well, no.

I'd like to stick up for seagulls.

These animals that nick our food, they're finding stuff that's there.

Foxes do it, pigeons do it, seagulls do it.

But they're brilliant at it. I sat on the beach at Brighton eating fish and chips.

I just chucked chips into the air

and they just plucked it out of the air like that.

That is... Could you do that?

-No.

-Let's try.

-OK.

-Could you catch this in your mouth?

I think she'll do it. She's got the teeth for it.

LAUGHTER

Get ready, Alex. Don't laugh.

-Oh!

-It hit me right there.

Come on, I've seen Fern Britton do this with a Black Forest gateau.

Last one.

Oh!

Let's see what Jack Whitehall doesn't like about the great outdoors.

Glamping.

-Glamorous camping.

-Yes.

Because it's not a real camping experience.

You go and stay in some luxury yurt

and you have a lovely time and there's a bed and a stove.

That's not how I remember camping.

Camping should be a real experience -

five members of the family in a horrible little tent,

fighting over the last wet wipe.

You shouldn't wake up after a camping experience in a bed.

You should wake up with grass stains on your knees

and a sense that you can never look your best friend in the eye again.

-Yes.

-That's camping.

-It's a life experience.

-I agree with you.

There's nothing more exciting than the sound of a zip going up and down in a dark field.

LAUGHTER

I can show you some examples.

Would you like to see the bubble tent, for example?

-Look at that.

-Ooh!

It's sort of a dogging palace.

And if you shake it, does a snowstorm happen?

-Don't you think that's beautiful?

-I think it would get really warm.

It's a bit like sleeping in a conservatory though, isn't it?

-Yes, but it's so difficult to travel with a conservatory.

-True, true.

I would say, though, Jack...

Would it not be fair to say that this trend is represented

by your good self to some extent?

You're a young, successful, well-educated man,

but you're here tonight in your T-shirt, your hair a bit raggedy.

You're a sort of... You're a glamp.

LAUGHTER

-Whoa!

-That's why I need camping

because otherwise, when else am I going to poo in a hole in the ground?

So what doesn't Clive like about the great outdoors?

What is that?!

Well... Well, my...

My selection was deer.

But I was expecting you to produce a little model Bambi and everyone would turn against me,

but you've combined a deer with... It might even be me,

but I suppose it's the devil.

I love the countryside, I love all the animals and creatures in it, but there are just too many deer.

There's more deer now than there have ever been in this country. Maybe three million of them.

-Three million?

-I haven't counted them. Don't hold me to the last...

-Three million?

-Roughly.

-All they need is a charismatic leader.

LAUGHTER

Maybe the Dalai "Llama".

-Near enough.

-APPLAUSE

I don't know how you'll do it if you put the deer into Room 101,

but one way to do it would be to reintroduce things like wolves.

It's a good idea. We should have wolves in this country.

They would keep the deer population down to manageable proportions.

Wouldn't they keep the human population down as well?

-They've reintroduced beavers into Scotland recently.

-That's right.

Let me guess. They did a film about it on The One Show!

I tried to stop myself, but it just came out.

They're lovely creatures. I was photographing beavers in Scotland this year.

LAUGHTER Oh, yeah?

I've got some brilliant... I've got some brilliant beaver shots I could show you.

Anyway, I'm getting off the subject.

There are too many deer. I don't want to get rid of all of them.

If you could put a good proportion of them in Room 101, that would be a great idea.

One thing I found very odd was this idea that deer kidnap people.

-You know there was this series of kidnappings done by deer?

-What?

-No, I didn't.

-Look at this. I have evidence.

SCREAMS

Was that kidnapping or was it some sort of mating ritual?

If you see the rest of it, she's bundled into the back of a sleigh and they're off!

-Do you think you could actually kill a deer?

-I just saw this programme as a mechanism

where we can adjust the population

without having to get too messy ourselves.

I think I can change your mind. I have one last Exhibit A.

I have a special guest.

Usually, we have big applause for a special guest.

But if you applaud this time, somebody might get killed,

so can we have a very silent welcome indeed for Arthur, the deer?

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Can someone get Clive a hammer?

LAUGHTER

-Come on, Clive.

-Can I come and say "hello"?

-You can say "hello".

-You know what we're all hoping for.

-I'm sorry, Arthur.

I didn't mean you. I didn't mean you, honestly. No, not you.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

So, sorry. I'll, um...

I withdraw my... I withdraw my offer.

Clive was just saying how much he likes eating venison.

-Is he a red deer?

-Yes.

And he hasn't got his horns at the moment. Is he too young for that?

No, he doesn't have any horns. He's castrated.

I was about to say, he looks more of a Martha than an Arthur!

OK, I think we can say goodbye to Arthur, but don't applaud.

Just a wave for Arthur.

I don't think that's a good idea either.

-There he goes.

-Aw!

-To the BBC canteen!

-Yes.

Anyway, we've come to the end of the Great Outdoors round.

I don't feel I can put deer in, having seen one in the flesh.

-I withdraw my suggestion.

-They're such beautiful things.

I get your point about seagulls and their general messiness,

-but they are mystical creatures that I find beautiful.

-Mystical?!

I'm a fan of camping, but I do think glamping is the wrong approach

to the whole thing. I agree with Jack.

So I am going to put glamping into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, let's have our next category.

It's going out, so what doesn't Jack like about going out?

The Last Supper?

-Jesus! No...

-LAUGHTER

It's shared tables.

If you look closely, Jack, you'll see why this picture is featured.

-Oh, I'm in it!

-LAUGHTER

-That's you sharing a table.

-Good.

-You fit in rather well.

-I fit in rather well, don't I?

So, shared tables. When you go out to a restaurant for a night out

and then they put you on a shared table and you have to sit next to strangers.

It's ludicrous. Where does that end?

We're going to share seats, we're going to share the table, there'll be two people next to me.

Next, let's share food or the bill.

Before you know it, it's car keys in a bowl time. It shouldn't happen.

It's dangerous. This as well. This is the Last Supper. This is Jesus.

If I was next to Jesus of Nazareth at dinner, that would be quite cool.

I imagine his conversation would be interesting.

When you go to these restaurants, you're not sat next to Jesus of Nazareth.

You're sat next to Gareth of the Wandsworth Borough Council.

He's not as fun. He can turn water into wine.

All Gareth can do is turn rather bland noodles into unfeasibly smelly wind.

It's difficult because a particular well-known restaurant that I frequent

is one of those with the long benches,

so I sit on one side and my girlfriend sits on the other.

There's people sitting next to us.

And people eavesdrop.

-Yeah.

-Don't you find that?

I'll be talking to her and she'll start going...

That means there's someone listening.

She texts me about the people we're sitting next to.

Honestly, I was with her. I got a text that said, "Fattest neck in the world?"

And then I had to start looking around for the fattest neck and there he was.

It's not just the table, it's the bench thing going on where you're sat opposite your date,

then there's a man next to you there and a man next to you there and you're being squashed down.

You're having more intimacy with him

than you'll end up having with your girlfriend that night.

You're trying to get a bit of your neighbour's area. I know a man that did that. His name was Hitler.

Every time you go to one of these restaurants, you're supporting the Nazis!

-That's the way I see it.

-Well, you argue your case very well.

I'll tell you what I do like, I like looking at other people's food as a way of choosing what to have.

It's handy, in that respect.

But people don't like it. It's like they think you're copying.

They start sitting like that.

Maybe you, Frank, and you, Jack, have a particular problem because you're well-known people.

You're saying you're sitting down and people are getting close to you.

They might be saying, "That's Jack Whitehall. I like him in..." whatever you've been in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're not really objecting about sharing a table.

You're objecting about sharing a planet with these people. That's the truth of it.

Anyway, let's find out what Clive doesn't like about going out.

There's a sort of procedure or ceremony that a lot of restaurants still insist upon doing.

If you order some wine, they'll give you a taste of it beforehand.

It's almost like a religious ceremony.

You're supposed to check to see if the wine has been corked or is off.

But they do that nowadays when quite good wine is in a screw-top bottle, which is not going to be corked.

It can be screwed, but not corked. And it's a strange thing.

-They don't bring you little bits of food to try first.

-That's true.

It's based on the idea that in every group of people, one person is the host, so he - it could be she -

has to make sure it's all right before his guests get to taste it.

So corked, the idea is the cork reacts chemically with the wine?

It can sometimes go off a bit. That's what you're detecting,

not deciding, "Mm, yes, that is the wine that the label says it is.

"You haven't rebottled it."

Though it would be worth mentioning it if you thought that was the case!

I've had it with a microwave. If someone microwaves fish and you do porridge immediately after,

"This has been fished!"

Where it could work is in a pub when you normally do buy a round.

There's one person buying the round.

That person should be given each of the beers, the Diet Cokes,

the wine to taste.

But we don't do that. Why do we put up with this in restaurants? Why do they still do it?

Well, there is a lot of massive snobbiness about wine.

I guess it is tied in with that.

I used to drink the cheaper types of wine and sherry,

basically on waste ground.

And I... No-one ever asked me if it was corked!

But we have a clip of Jilly Goolden,

-who is something of a wine expert.

-Ah, yes.

This doesn't bear any resemblance to any wine drinking I ever did.

It's Tarrawingee Riesling Gewurtztraminer. Let's have a smell.

Very seductive. It's like melon balls,

when they're all scrunched up. That gorgeous aroma.

It's a bit like rosewater and witch hazel. Those lovely scents.

There's a bit of patchouli. It's very heady stuff indeed.

It really does whoosh up your nose. Very come on-ish.

For me, it used to be more...

Oh, I'm scenting an argument about immigration on the night bus.

LAUGHTER

A brick through my ex-girlfriend's window

and I get home later with two domestic pets I've never seen before. It's a different world.

-Yeah.

-The whole thing of wine is to make you look stupid.

I went to a restaurant with my girlfriend

and the sommelier brought up the wine list on an iPad.

He was going through it like that, showing off. And then he said, "Does Sir have any questions?"

I was like, "Um, has this got Angry Birds on it?"

-I don't know anything.

-OK, let's look at Alex's choice.

Yep. This is British-themed bars abroad.

GROANS

-Oh, the crowd!

-Divided you straight away!

You've booked your holiday, you pick your destination,

you turn up, it's lovely, sun's out. Nice. And you're walking down the road and the first thing you see

is like this. The Chav and Devil Dog.

Or Lineker's.

Or The Rose and Crown.

And basically it's like, "We will show every sport event going,

"we will only serve Guinness and Carlsberg,

"but also we do Sunday roasts every Sunday."

-In 85-degree heat, not sure we'll be wanting that.

-Yes.

But I tried learning a foreign language. It's impossible.

So it is nice to have that little home from home.

It is quite comforting, but if you wanted to spend your week or two weeks with a family from Newcastle

or Liverpool or from Wales, you'd stay at home, wouldn't you?

We have some pictures of pubs, so people get a sense of what these are.

The first one is in Benidorm.

Ye Olde Pub. Lovely, lovely furniture.

And this one from Majorca.

This is called Trotters On The Beach.

It's a lovely looking place!

This is the oddest themed pub I've ever heard of.

Hitlers' Cross.

Nothing very new about that, of course! He often was.

Look, that's so disgusting.

-The apostrophe is after the S.

-Exactly!

-It should be before!

APPLAUSE

OK, well, I'm worried that the shared tables thing

suggests a hatred of other people

more than actual furniture arrangements. I like the idea

that people who are homesick

can go and be amongst their fellow countrymen and brothers.

And I'm not sure about the whole wine ritual. I think it's outdated,

-so I'm going to put waiters who put a little bit of wine in your glass into Room 101.

-Thank you very much.

OK, next category, please.

People.

What kind of people wind up Clive?

Yes. Now, it's not that they're football fans,

it's this one, really.

He is leaving, and in this scene he's leaving before the end of the match.

And so many football fans do this now.

In the olden days, football was quite a cheap activity, now it's fantastically expensive.

You only get 90 minutes, maybe a little extra time if you're lucky,

an extra six minutes of Alex Ferguson's managing.

But if you went to see a film, like a whodunnit,

and they hadn't quite established who had done the murder yet,

and you think, "Oh, hang on, we've seen the best part of two hours.

"If we leave now, we'll beat the rush and we will find out

"in the paper tomorrow who actually did..."

No-one would do that. Football fans regularly do it,

-in all sorts of circumstances.

-It is very strange.

The idea is that they're trying to miss the traffic, that's what they always say.

I go to football, I go to Arsenal. I must...

I'm in a privileged position in that I live very nearby,

so I can walk home, so I'm not held up by the traffic, there's not normally so many people...

You don't want to leave early at the Arsenal or you'll miss the dessert wine.

Giving an Arsenal example, not necessarily in Arsenal's favour,

a couple of seasons ago they were 4-0 up by the end of the first half at Newcastle.

So obviously a fair proportion of the Newcastle fans thought,

"We're not waiting around to see this humiliation." And they went home.

But Newcastle scored four goals in the second half,

so they missed seeing what, for them, was about the most exciting game...

I love to think that the Newcastle fans used your exact wording there.

I've seen the Toon Army, like, men with no shirts on, massive tits,

"Newcastle" tattooed across their chest.

"Well, we're not waiting around to see this humiliation!"

I was paraphrasing.

Yeah.

That's the problem with Arsenal. I'm an Arsenal fan too and Arsenal fans,

I think, are some of the worst for that.

I've seen stuff at an Arsenal game that you would never see anywhere else.

I watched a game once and there was a guy behind me getting very irate

and he stood up and shouted out the most middle-class thing I've ever heard at a football match.

He got really angry and then went, "Oh, for Christ's sake!

"You are so lackadaisical!"

-Doesn't work.

-I was leaving West Brom once.

We'd lost 2-0 and they announced,

"Mr So and So, your wife has given birth to a baby boy

"in Sandwell District Hospital."

And this old guy sat next to me said, "Oh, the poor devil, he sat through this lot,

"now he's got to go home and make his own tea."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How terrible!

OK, let's have a look at Alex's choice.

Yes. Taxi drivers...

-Oh, no!

-..who don't know the way.

-Ah!

-You're walking home tonight.

Exactly. Never be rude about taxi drivers!

To be honest, it might be quicker - they can never find my house.

-I'll give you a lift.

-Will you?

My mother's coming to pick me up in the Volvo.

Awkward.

So, you know, if you're in a taxi, you know, use the time to,

I don't know, make a phone call or put some make-up on

or whatever you do.

And then, this bloke will open the flap of glass and say...

"Er, where's that, then?

"Whereabouts is that?" And you're thinking, "Seriously now?"

So you have to end your phone call

and direct this man the rest of the way, so you're like, "Right, left...

"No, no, the next left."

And basically, if you're bad at left and right, like I am,

this causes all sorts of problems and you end up having a massive bill

-by the time you actually get there.

-I think you've got a point.

Even if you're a minicab driver, you should basically know the way around.

And I like a nice, silent journey.

Well, exactly. You don't want... And you know the button?

The button that's got a little picture of somebody with a speech bubble coming out of its mouth.

You never know whether it's off or on, you never know,

so you're knocking on the glass because the man's gone...

It's stressful!

Why don't you just chat to the drivers, you miserable people?

Make it a pleasant journey. "Hello, how you doing? What's the traffic like?"

-Do you think Clive wants a free taxi ride?

-I think he does.

I get scared in cabs because I always go in and try and hide

this voice, when I'm around London.

I'll go in and be like, "You all right, me guv'nor? Take me home," and try and...

-hide the fact that I'm very posh.

-That's well hidden(!)

And sometimes it goes...

I had one the other day where it was going really well and I was really...

He had no idea that I was posh.

But I was talking so much that in the end he dropped me off at the staff entrance to my house

and I felt like such a ninny.

OK, then, what kind of people wind up Jack?

-PARTY FLUTE SOUNDS

-That's good. That is good.

-It is representative of women on hen nights.

-Yes.

ALEX GASPS

-Oh...

-I...

OK, have fun on your hen night,

but I've realised, as a young, vulnerable man,

I am the natural prey of the hen and they terrify me.

Like, I was on a train recently from Manchester to London

and they all came on, it was a big group

and they were very bawdy and they were drinking and shouting

and it was the only time I've ever felt sorry for the ticket man.

He was coming down and a woman cocked her leg on the table

and attempted to use her noony as fare.

She was like, "Oi! Will this get me to London?"

I was like, "I doubt that would get you to Stockport."

And there's so many contradictions as well with hen nights.

Like, I've seen an L-plate on a pregnancy bump.

How does that work? And angel wings.

There's always one person in the group with angel wings

and every time you see someone with angel wings,

it's always the person that looks the least likely ever to become airborne.

Do you feel, Jack,

that people are enjoying themselves on a hen? It always looks to me

like they're having a terrible time

but trying to pretend that they're having a great time.

Yeah, there's a lot of aggression as well, isn't there?

I was walking down the street with my dad once

and there was a hen party and they shouted over at us,

"Get your willy out!"

And I was like, "What? I'm with my dad.

"You're perpetuating a bad stereotype,

"behaving appallingly in public, everyone's looking.

"You shouldn't..." I said all of this.

Admittedly, my argument was somewhat nullified by the fact

that my dad had got his willy out by that point.

OK, well, look...

I know what you mean about hen nights.

They are terrifying people, but it is, I suppose, a bit of a tradition

and I like particularly about them

that there's a mixing of the generations,

Mum goes along, Auntie and you see Granny there and stuff

and I like that, that's quite a rare thing.

-And Alex...

-Yeah.

I quite like the adventure of being in a cab with someone

-who doesn't know their way.

-Expensive adventure.

But they're both...

On any other round, I think both of those could've possibly have got

into Room 101, but I am so, so very anti

people leaving football matches early that I have to say that,

without any doubt...

Oh, they've left early!

OK, next category, please.

Yes, it's the Wildcard round, which means you have no restraints.

OK, so what's Alex's Wildcard?

Yeah, it's people who watch the same film over and over again.

It's a waste of your life.

OK. Is there no film you've seen three or four times?

There are exceptions to the rule...

-Ah!

-Ah!

..in the form of Titanic.

-Hang on!

-The longest film ever!

That's a big commitment.

I know. Good effort, eh? It was when it came out in the cinema and I did like Leonardo DiCaprio.

-But I've learned from my mistake since then.

-Yes.

But this is, more or less...

It's basically saying... This is what I hate about my boyfriend.

His favourite film is Shawshank Redemption.

-Mm, another long film.

-Good film.

-Stupid film.

If I was your boyfriend, we could watch Marley and Me every night.

LAUGHTER

-Mamma Mia. Love it.

-Yes.

-Dirty Dancing.

-All the greats.

-Beaches.

-Aww!

-It makes me cry every time.

-Every time!

Oh...

-A bar of chocolate.

-Lovely.

-Get into our onesies.

-Yeah.

Popcorn in a bowl. Oh, dream.

See?

I don't want to be sexist, Frank, but I do think this is a trait

-that comes out more in men.

-They like seeing things again and again.

-And they can quote from films.

-Like Star Wars.

-Yeah!

I met a bloke in Wolverhampton who'd seen Star Wars 112 times.

-For God's sake!

-And he still hadn't got through all the reading at the beginning.

There are films I've seen like 30 or 40 times, but they're not films we could show clips from.

LAUGHTER

Eventually you memorize them and then you leave them in a hedge.

That did used to be where you found things, in hedges, wasn't it?

-It did. What happened to that?

-It was a proud tradition.

Yeah, what happened to the whole tradition of privet pornography?

They don't know now, young people, it's all on the internet.

There's probably loads of it in there, left uncollected.

What are you doing after?

Starting a hedge fund!

I think in an age where one in three marriages end in divorce,

there's something very loyal about someone who watches the same film.

-I love that.

-Is it not more special to watch something new together?

You can watch new films as well,

but there's something very comforting about the same old movie.

No! You know you're in a rut when that happens.

That's what I was saying to Arthur earlier.

Let's have a look at Clive Anderson's Wildcard.

This is not One Direction. The concept here is

that you can never go and see anything spontaneously any more. Everybody's booked up in advance.

Just going to see a play or concert or even getting a railway ticket.

I think we must all band together because this is all done by people saying, "I'll fit in with this."

If we all say, "No, we're going to buy on the day. We're all going to turn up on the day to see the film,

"to get on the train," the prices would have to be adjusted down for OUR convenience,

not for the convenience of vast mega-corporations

who have got us by the throat. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

I kind of respect the enthusiasm of people who keep an eye out

when their favourites are on tour

and they know when the next Batman movie's opening. I've done that,

-keep an eye out for the next Batman movie.

-What about aeroplanes?

If you want a cheap airline ticket, you book well in advance.

That depends on you knowing when you want to go and having a regular lifestyle. Mine isn't.

I feel penalised...

What are you? Some kind of reckless rock'n'roll animal?!

-"I'm off to Florida today! Let's do it!"

-Disorganised.

OK, what is Jack's Wildcard?

-It is metrosexuals. Overly-preened men...

-OK.

..who take massive amounts of time over their personal appearance.

Oh, is that what a metrosexual is? I thought it was somebody who got up to dodgy things on the Underground!

I just don't think... We're tricked into it as well.

They're trying to make it manly.

You buy moisturiser for men and it's called Face Fuel

so that we buy it and use it, but I don't want that.

I want to get to...old age, like yourselves...

No, I mean and have a face that looks like it's been lived in.

Like I've done some stuff.

I don't want to have a baby face when I'm in my 40s.

I want it to look like Alan Sugar's scrotum.

That's most unfair on Alan Sugar.

If you'd seen it before he put the moisturiser on it...

..it was much, much worse!

I should imagine.

But you're almost the definition of a metrosexual.

-You are a metrosexual!

-I don't want to be a metrosexual!

-You are one!

-I know!

You sound like my dad now! I don't want that. I want to be a man!

I look at my idols, like men...that I look up to.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, but I don't want, like, you know,

I don't want Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham.

I want...Ben Fogle. Someone like that. A proper man.

I think what you need is parenthood. That tends to sort it out.

Since becoming a parent, my idea of looking smart is only having sick on one shoulder.

Would you ever wear a mankini?

-Oh, no!

-I don't think he's asking you!

LAUGHTER

-There we are.

-There you go.

-Yeah. See?

There's an element of soap on a rope about that, isn't there?

What I do, I don't want to buy a mankini

so I just put my arms through the legs in my Y-fronts.

And it ends up like that.

Your beard, by the way, I would say, with all due respect,

is a metrosexual beard, isn't it?

That could be more shaped. I keep it quite bushy.

I used to have a beard. I grew a beard because I was too drunk to shave. This was mine.

LAUGHTER

If you had a programme called Beard Swap,

we could find out how I'd look with a lovely, neat beard

and how you'd look with mine.

# Beard Swap, Beard Swap

# Look at them changing beards. #

You're fired!

# I dreamed a dream of time gone by... #

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

It looks great!

Can I keep it and go home in it?

Aaargh! It took the last-remaining real hair with it.

I think, Jack, it's nice that men like Clive

-are looking after themselves a bit more these days.

-I'm not!

Better, better!

You all right, honey?

But you must use something. What's your morning routine?

-Don't ask him that!

-LAUGHTER

You know I do a show with Freddie Flintoff, the cricketer,

who is training to become a boxer.

And we were filming this show over a course of weeks

and he kept saying, "Jack, you've got to come down for a spar

"at some point," and I kept saying, "Yeah, I would love that."

I subsequently found out he's training to be a boxer, sparring is when you punch someone in the ring.

I genuinely thought he wanted me

and him to go off to a nice hotel somewhere and get face masks.

Yeah!

You've really entered into this. God bless you.

I don't know what I put on my face. It's hair gel and something else.

It's really beginning to sting.

We need to move on. You could well be blind soon.

-LAUGHTER

-So, look...

I think metrosexuality isn't such a bad thing

if it stops men from smelling

-and being horrible.

-Yep!

-And...

-Yeah, Frank, in your own time(!)

-Like, honestly...

-LAUGHTER

I think that booking things in advance is quite an enthusiastic and keen thing

and although I do watch films over and over, I am going to put

Alex's people who watch films over and over again into Room 101.

Thank you!

OK, that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Clive. You were the most persuasive guest tonight

-so you are this week's winner.

-Oh, thank you very much.

I didn't know there was a winner, but I'll be it.

Thanks very much, Jack Whitehall, Clive Anderson and Alex Jones.

And thank you. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd